TUESDAY, March 1, 2011

Sarah Palin recently told fans at a political rally that she’ll be going to India in mid-April and will visit the Taj Mahal.  She says she can’t wait to see if the Indians were able to construct as accurate a copy of the original one in Vegas as the Romans did with Caesar‘s Palace.

It was Forty years ago this month that Nancy Reagan launched the War on Drugs with the motto  “Just Say No.”  Ten years later it was changed to “Just Say Maybe.” Today it’s become,  “If Watching Charlie Sheen Doesn’t Do It For You, Nothing Will.”

In view of his success in “Toy Story 3,” Hasbro has given Mr. Potato Head a complete makeover, shedding pounds and giving him pants.  And in keeping with his new more svelte image, he’ll be voiced by a thinner, equally smart-mouthed version of Don Rickles --  Howard Stern.                    

To stem the rash of concussions, the NFL will require that players be examined each time their head collides with another player.  Simple test really.  They’ll be asked if they remember their name, the college they skipped classes at, and the starlet they’re currently living with.

For the first time since 1383, a case of the Plague has been confirmed in Illinois.  What are the symptoms of the Plague you‘re no doubt wondering.  Well, according to the CDC, you can be pretty certain you’ve got it if three Carpathian monks dump your body onto an ox cart.

______________________


(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available for $2.99 from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O  These lines first appeared in this blog in March, 2001)

Tiger Woods stepped on a fan at the Pebble Beach golf tournament and wrenched his knee.   (AP)    On the plus side, it landed him an endorsement deal with Ace Bandages worth $10 million a year.

"Good Morning America" will televise a live birth next Tuesday.    (AP)    CBS will answer with a live death as soon as they can talk Andy Rooney into it.

French president Jacques Chirac announced that a high speed train will be in service between France and Italy by 2015.   (USA Today)    It will take them at least that long to decide who'll be in charge of the dining car menu.
       
General Motors will use biodegradable pork and turkey byproducts to make castings for auto parts.   (AP)    They've already hired an assembly line rabbi.
       
"All My Children" regular Kelly Ripa has been tapped to replace Kathie Lee Gifford as Regis' sidekick.  (LA Daily News)    Big plus going in   --   she doesn't sing.

Two Japan Airlines jets came within 200 feet of each other between Tokyo and Okinawa.   (USA Today)     The distance was calculated from 167 snapshots taken out the windows.
       
The FDA has ruled that prunes can be labeled "Dried Plums." (USA Today)    As long as it's in large lettering as requested by AARP.


A study by the British Antarctic Survey has debunked reports by pilots that penguins watching the planes overhead topple over like dominos.   (AP)     What the pilots actually saw were nuns doing calisthenics in the courtyard of a convent.

Pop diva Celine bought a $4250 stroller for her new son Rene-Charles   (USA Today)    It has a Bose sound system, a 5-inch color TV and a fully stocked strained vegetable bar.

             
(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in February, 2001.  Download on Kindle for $2.99 at:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O )

MONDAY, February 28, 2011

Overheard during the post-Oscar parties:

1)   “We stayed dry on the Red Carpet.  We rented space under Kirstie Alley.“
2)   “What I thought was an hors d'oeuvre was part of Lady Gaga’s outfit.”
3)   “Is that my ex-husband?  I thought it was his weekend for the kids.”   
4)   “I was just sitting next to Lindsay Lohan. Has anyone seen my Rolex?”
5)   “She thanked her agent, her ballet teacher and the Audubon Society.”
6)   “I hated ’The King’s Speech.’  Not the movie -- Larry’s goodbyes on CNN.”
7)   “I was hoping for another streaker, but Charlie Sheen couldn’t make it.”
8)   “Is that an ice sculpture or Joan Rivers?”
9)   “I didn’t have an acceptance speech… but my writers were texting me.”
10) “This is Ted.  We met, got married and were divorced in rehab.”   
 
Being described by Charlie Sheen as “a worm,” Charlie’s boss at CBS has canceled the remaining episodes of “Two and a Half Men.”  Don’t grieve for Charlie, however.  He was immediately signed to star in Animal Planet’s new sitcom “Two and a Half Hookers,  One Line of Cocaine.”

Confessing that she was “hooked on pigs’ feet and chit’lins,” Aretha Franklin is
undergoing a complete body makeover.  And she’s doing it sensibly.  She figured out how to bring back the original Aretha Franklin without spending too many Ben Franklins.

Women’s designer fashions, always priced beyond reason and good sense, will be 10% more expensive by May.  You gals may find, though, that you’re getting more bang for your buck.  For instance, stiletto heels will now be made out of real stilettos.

Ornithologists have discovered that male birds whose nests are near street lights are less monogamous than their counterparts.  Apparently, females who are asked “Your nest or mine?” just before lights out, have an increased sense of urgency. 

______________________


(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available for $2.99 from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O  These lines first appeared in this blog in March, 2001)

Academy officials have asked this year's winner to limit their acceptance speeches to 45 seconds.   (LA Times)     Which means, in essence, the pool boy and the cleaning lady will go un-thanked.

USA will launch the first ever 24 hour crime channel in the fall.   (AP)    Okay, technically speaking, network programming is criminal, but that's not intentional.   

Two Irvington, NJ second graders were charged with making terrorist threats by playing cops 'n robbers with a paper gun.    (AP)    Luckily, police intervened before they could Xerox an entire arsenal.
       
London's Sunday Telegraph reports that Tom Cruise is leaving the Church of Scientology.    (USA Today)    Friends say he had a nightmare in which his career was heading for the same dumpster occupied by fellow 'tologist John Travolta.
       
A 3.5 million year old skull found in Africa suggests that there may have been more than one branch of human development from primitive man. (NY Times)       How else do you explain Jerry Springer's contestants?
       
A theme park ride in Doswell, VA uses a blast of air to propel riders from zero to 80 miles per hour in two seconds.   (LA Times)    We've had that in LA for years. It's called "On ramp to the 405."  
       
The State Department gave fifty Russian spies the heave-ho in the wake of the Robert Hanssen revelations.   (USA Today)    Most went peacefully although Yakov Smirnoff put up something of a tussle.

Barbra Streisand recorded "Some Day My Prince Will Come" for Disney's DVD version of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."   (USA Today)    Crew members report that she got along with all the dwarfs except Grumpy who made some wisecrack about James Brolin.
       
M.G.M. has confirmed that they've approached Whitney Houston to costar in the next James Bond film.   (USA Today)    "Airport Metal Detectors Are Forever"?

Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of the Marquis De Sade who was overheard asking a girl in a singles bar "Like to come up to my place for a root canal?"
             
(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in March, 2001.  Download on Kindle for $2.99 at:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O )

FRI, SAT, SUN, February 25, 26, 27, 2011

Actor-turned-politician Arnold Schwarzenegger is back and he’s back big, working on ways to jump-start his film career.   Already, he's lost 10 pounds, rehired his diction coach, and has begun rehearsals on a new movie called “The Rejuvenitor.”

Starting on May 1, citizens of Shanghai, China will be limited by law to one household pet and the excess will be declared persona non grata.  May explain those new entries on the Panda Express menu -- Kung Pau Poodle and Mu Shu Gai Schnauzer. 

A mother in Cairo, Egypt named her newborn “Facebook” in honor of the overthrow of dictator Hosni Mubarak.  It’s become kind of a family cyber-tradition.  The tyke joins siblings “Yahoo,” “Google” and “Twitter.”

International Olympic Ice Skating officials are examining Chinese participants who appear to be less than the required minimum age.  The judges became suspicious when one of them was observed spinning his partner on a teething ring.

An 84-year old man whose car broke down in the dessert outside Phoenix, AZ, survived for three days drinking the only liquid available -- windshield wiper fluid.  When paramedics asked him how he felt, he just stared ahead and said “Fine… fine… fine… fine… “

______________________


(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O
These lines first appeared in this blog in March, 2001)

A ruptured sewer pipe spewed raw waste into Biscayne Bay, closing beaches popular with tourists.    (LA Daily News)    Fox immediately rushed in a film crew to collect background shots for their upcoming reality series "Sanitation Island."
     
Howard Stern's longtime head writer has quit in a dispute over salary.   (LA Daily News)    More intriguing than how much money he was making, what on earth was he writing?

H.J. Heinz has announced the elimination of 1900 jobs.   (USA Today)    Next to go: 36 of their 57 varieties.
       
PBS is laying off 9% of its programming staff.   (LA Times)    Departing employees have a choice of a logo cup, a t-shirt or the CD sound track of "Benny Hill."

Women contestants on a new Fox reality show will compete for a "dream date" with a handsome European prince.   (AP)    The runner-up will win a viscount formerly known as a prince.

Six hundred girls aged 6 to 8 showed up to enroll in LA's day-long Barbie University.   (LA Times)    The incoming frosh were welcomed by the dean of the Department of Linguistics, Vanna White.

A Northwest Airlines jet carrying 154 passengers skidded off a runway at Detroit's Metropolitan Airport after the pilot aborted his takeoff.    (AP)    Anti takeoff abortion protesters quickly gathered but were dispersed by airport police.
       
Experts believe California will suffer massive blackouts this summer.   (LA Times)    Which is also Robert Downey, Jr's medical prognosis.
   
MTV has deemed Madonna's new video "inappropriate for multiple viewings" due to excessive violence.   (LA Daily News)    Looks like she'll have to cut the chain saw number.
       
Russia's Mir space station is being ditched in the Pacific this week.   (AP)     The Russians have called in a team of engineers from Amtrak to supervise the impact.       

Paul McCartney has a book of poetry out called "Bluebird Singing."   (LA Daily News)    Among his favorites: "Yoko Ono, Yoko Ono, Why Didn't You Marry Sonny Bono?"

Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Hannibal Lecter who once asked Jack the Ripper "Do you deliver?"
             
(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in March, 2001.  Download on Kindle at:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O)

THURSDAY, February 24, 2011

After years of being sold separately, Ken and Barbie are back together on toy store shelves.  Barbie finally forgave Ken for affairs with with several Bratz girls only after Mattel executives brought up her own flings with G.I. Joe, Buzz Lightyear and the Tiger Woods action figure.  

Overcoming initial skepticism, theater critics in London are warming up to “Anna Nichol Smith:  The Opera.”  Actually, it accurately portrays Anna’s tragic life and it has some big names, too.  In the storyline, Lady Gaga marries Placido Domingo for his money. 

A 30-year-old man died in a Beijing cyber café after playing video games for 72 hours straight without sleeping orf eating.  However, since he had several “virtual” meals and 8-hours of “virtual” sleep, the coroner has ruled it a “virtual” death.

Facebook has made an offer to purchase Twitter for $10 billion.  The company itself isn’t worth that much, but the price includes the rights to the word “tweet” which the founders of Twitter had to buy from Warner Brothers, who own Tweetie Pie.

That neighbor who called 911 during Charlie Sheen’s latest brush with death is a prominent Beverly Hills plastic surgeon.  They have a lot in common.  He rejuvenates aging actors by snipping off bits of them piece-by-piece and Charlie is doing the same thing to his career.

_____________________________


(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O
These lines first appeared in this blog in March, 2001)
 
Japanese PM Yoshiri Mori has agreed to resign after dragging Japan's economy to an all-time low with pie-in-the-sky programs that ignored basic economic principles.   (AP)    Remind you of anyone?
       
For the first time since 1840, Britain will issue postage stamps without a prominent portrait of the queen.   (LA Daily News)    In light of rising postal fees, Jack the Ripper was deemed more appropriate. 

A marble hand was stolen from a 2400 year old Greek panel at London's British Museum.    (LA Times)    Art restorers say that, unless it turns up soon, the panel will have to be digitally enhanced.
       
Mike Tyson tells the April issue of Sister 2 Sister that "I'm real with women and elicit everything they hide from the world."   (LA Daily News)    Yeah, like sprains, fractures, cuts, bruises. . .
     
According to the Beverly Hills Institute of Aesthetic and Reconstructive Surgery, most women want Nicole Kidman's nose, Winona Ryder's eyes, Kim Bassinger's lips, Sandra Bullock's chin, Jennifer Lopez's cheeks and Selma Hyack's body.   (LA Daily News)    And Julia Roberts' American Express card to pay for them with.
       
After decades of watching its population decline, Chicago is growing again with a 4% increase since 1990.   (NY Times)    The downward spiral began in the 1930's when mob wipeouts began to outnumber live births.
      
A Third grade class in Kenosha, WS caught about 15 seconds of an X-rated video left in the classroom VCR by a careless janitor.   (LA Daily News)    The teacher had to wrestle with three kids to regain control of the remote.
       
Levi Strauss has recalled its Infant Snap Jeans, Koveralls and Shortalls.   (LA Times)    Seems that they gave the two-year olds wearing them an overwhelming urge to hop on a Harley.
       
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Mrs. Benjamin Franklin who reportedly told Ben "Forget about the inventions. Open a five and dime."
             
(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in March, 2001.  Download on Kindle at:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O)

TUESDAY, February 23, 2011

Astronomers have released what they believe is an accurate census of the entire solar system.  The count was begun in 1997, but the nerd NASA hired to do it got to 2,346,710,985, was distracted by the flame-out of starlet Winona Ryder’s career, and had to start over.

The state of Texas will soon allow college co-eds to legally pack firearms on campus.  Wow.  Now when cheerleaders yell “Siss… Boom… Baa… “ they’ll be able to graphically demonstrate the “boom.”

According to a study commissioned by the national Geriatric Association, elder abuse rose 22% last year.  It’s getting so bad, last week Barbara Walters was spotted pummeling Andy Griffith and Bob Barker with Wilfred Brimley. 

NASCAR signed a multi-million dollar sponsorship deal with Wal Mart who will offer a new line of clothing specially-designed for the weekend wheelie wonk -- including more fully-cut beer belly T-shirts, and coveralls in colors that don’t clash with a red neck.

The City of Los Angeles is teaching teens the proper use of Ecstasy at rave parties.  They’re passing out brochures and produced an instructional video sent to all high schools that’s hosted by Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.
 
____________________________

(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O
These lines first appeared in this blog in March, 2001)

After his lawyers bailed out, O.J. has decided to represent himself in his civil judgment appeal.    (LA Times)    He didn't make a very good amateur surgeon. Maybe he'll click as an amateur lawyer.
       
Julia Roberts will wear a diamond necklace worth $2 million to the Oscars.   (LA Times)    If she wins, she'll thank her producer, her director and Harry Winston.

Engineers at CA's Six Flags Magic Mountain are placing the finishing touches on X-The Fourth Dimension, expected to be "the ultimate roller coaster experience."   (AP)    If you don't count Nasdaq.
       
Disney's "Princess of Thieves," a TV movie about Robin Hood's daughter, aired on ABC.   (LA Times)    Chip off the old block. She shops from the rich and gives to American Express.
       
Actor Tony Dow who played Wally on "Leave It To Beaver" is suing TV Land for using photos of him with tattoos on his chest.   (LA Times)    And just when his acting career was slipping into high gear.

According to TV's Extra!, the average pay phone mouthpiece harbors over 100 viruses.   (LA Times)    About the same as Dennis Rodman's tooth brush.

A Romanian pig farmer was attacked by his porkers who removed an ear, a testicle and part of his scalp.   (LA Times)     On the plus side, it was all caught on tape for The Jerry Springer Show.

Massachusetts, at 30%, has the highest number of Americans of Irish ancestry.   (USA Today)    And 77% of them are Kennedys.

A study by the American Psychological Association found that members of college fraternities don't drink more than non-Greeks after they graduate.   (LA Times)    They suddenly realize that peeing out the window of a house you have a mortgage on just doesn't seem to be as much fun.
       
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Mrs. Groucho Marx who once said to Groucho "The secret word is not tonight."
             
(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in March, 2001.  Download on Kindle at:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O)

TUESDAY, February 22, 2011

The Austrian government has honored Arnold Schwarzenegger with a nine-foot-tall bronze statue in a Vienna park.  He’s shown standing beside three-foot-tall Danny DeVito in a scene from “Twins.”

A rare bottle of French wine estimated to be 237 years old recently sold at auction for $77,000.  Of course, it had to be authenticated by experts.  You know French wine is genuine when it has a dead escargot floating around in the bottom.

Pope Benedict XVI has had his name removed from Italy’s approved list of organ donors.  He recently discovered he can make all the organs he needs at mass when he’s changing bread into Jesus.

Two all-time “Jeopardy!” champions recently took on an IBM super-computer named Watson and lost.  Even more alarming, Watson was judged to have more personality than Ken Jeffries and Alec Trebek combined.

The Wisconsin Teachers Union are demonstrating in the state capital against proposed pension cuts.  Teachers always have a devil of a time staging a decent picket line.  They keep correcting one anothers’ signs for grammar and punctuation.


______________________


(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O
These lines first appeared in this blog in March, 2001)
      
McDonalds has recalled 234,000 "Scooter Bug" toys distributed with Happy Meals because they can pose a choking hazard for children.   (USA Today)    No mention of the "nutrition hazard" caused by the Happy Meals themselves.
       
Super illusionist David Copperfield has replaced former fiancé Claudia Schiffer with Belgian model Ambre Fisque.   (LA Daily News)    According to friends, Claudia took off after David sawed her in half and then refused to rejoin her.
       
An exotic dancer has sued Sylvester Stallone, claiming he sexually assaulted her in his gym.    (USA Today)    He seems to be denying it, but who can really be sure what he's saying about anything?

GM and OnStar are teaming up to deliver stock market quotes to motorists.   (LA Times)    Yugo owners had that option years ago, but could only receive reports on junk bonds.
       
A disposable cell phone made out of paper will be available by year's end for around $10.   (LA Times)   
1)    Great as menus. Now when you call the waiter, you can CALL the waiter.
2)    It will have an optional screen for conference calls -- called Paper View.
3)    Some conventional cell phone users claim the new phone isn't worth the paper its circuits are printed on.
A survey by Crowd Management Strategies shows that 6582 rap concert goers were injured last year.    (USA Today)    That's physically. The mental damage is considered incalculable.
       
Trouble prone rapper DMX was charged with felony assault after throwing a meal tray at a guard at New York's Erie County Correctional facility.   (USA Today)    In most jails, lima beans are considered deadly weapons.
       
Melanie Chisholm, generally considered the best singer in the Spice Girls, is leaving the group.    (LA Times)    She told reporters her style now leans more toward herbs.

The CDC says Americans are lazier than ever with 30% getting no exercise at all.    (AP)    If you don't count reaching for a Nacho that's fallen between the couch cushions exercise.

Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Saint Peter who reportedly said to the 911 operator "I tell you it's a BUSH. . . and it's on FIRE!"

(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in March, 2001.  Download on Kindle at:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O

MONDAY, February 21, 2011

Leaving the city that Mark Zuckerberg chose to headquarter Facebook, the multi-billion dollar company is relocating to nearby Menlo Park where they expect to save a bundle.  Instead of a building, they’ll just have one big wall.

Chevrolet now offers buyers an option that allows drivers to check their Facebook page while behind the wheel.  And as an added bonus, the mug shot from your reckless driving arrest is posted at the same time as your bail. 

Pollsters were shocked to discover that more that half of all registered Republicans believe that Barack Obama was not born in the United States.  That’s a little more understandable when you consider that 38% of them think Oklahoma is still a Territory.

Kids attending the NBA’s All-Star Weekend had a ball with cutting-edge simulators that mimic what real players feel.  One new model realistically simulates a slam dunk, a mid-court 3-pointer and an illegal firearm conviction.

The snow-collapsed roof of Minnesota’s Metrodome will be replaced by Teflon-coated fiberglass that will span ten square acres.  The process was originally developed by the manufacturer to construct a cover for Kirstie Alley’s hot tub.

 ____________________________________________

(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O
These lines first appeared in this blog in March, 2001)
      
Italy's crack "Art Theft Squad" successfully recovered a $5.7 million German masterpiece lifted from a Florence monastery in 1973.   (LA Times)    These guys are nothing if not fast.

Nancy Reagan splashed a magnum of champagne across the bow of the new nuclear aircraft carrier USS Ronald Reagan in Newport News, VA.   (LA Daily News)    Which astounded onlookers when it refused to trickle down as promised.

In light of the Robert Hanssen debacle, FBI agents will now undergo periodic polygraph examinations.   (USA Today)    With particular emphasis on questions concerning internal security, counter intelligence and, in honor of their founder, cross-dressing.
       
Prince William is in Africa for 3 1/2 months as part of his pre-college "gap year."  (LA Daily News)    He was recently spotted on safari in Kenya snapping photographs of commoners.
       
NBC aired "Jackie, Ethel, Joan: Women of Camelot" on Saturday night.   (LA Times)    It was an all Kennedy evening. Over on Court TV, they were analyzing the Martha Moxley murder trial.

The Navy has convened a court of inquiry in Honolulu to examine facts surrounding the civilian joy riding disaster aboard the USS Greeneville.   (USA Today)    The most damning evidence of gross misjudgment:   the sign beside the helm the read "You Must Be This Tall to Steer."

Washington state legislators were evicted from the capitol building in Olympia after extensive quake damage was discovered.   (USA Today)    Most set up temporary offices in nearby motels where they usually spend their lunch hours anyway.
       
FBI spy Robert Hanssen tipped the Soviets that the US was digging a tunnel under the Russian embassy to eavesdrop.   (LA Times)    FBI officials continue to insist that it was a single-file underground parking lot.
       
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Dale Evans who reportedly once told Roy Rogers "You can forget about being back in the saddle again until you clean out that garage."
       
(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in March, 2001.  Download on Kindle at:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O)

_________________________

FRI, SAT, SUN, February 18, 19, 20, 2011

Avid collector of all things automotive, late night talk guru Jay Leno now has his own auto-themed web site.  We knew he was a big star, but he’s now so special, they not only gave him his own domain, his address is “Jay_Leno.chin.”

Paleontologists in Somerset, England unearthed 15,000-year-old human skulls that had been used as drinking cups.  Which accounts for the popular British pub expression “Having a pint with a friend in a friend.”

Jets QB Mark Sanchez shocked teammates by dating a high school student.  Times have changed.  In the old days,  Joe Namath would spend his days in training camp and his nights counseling at a nearby Girl Scout camp. 

After 23 seasons at the helm of the Utah Jazz, coach Jerry Sloan has hung up the whistle.  He claims that time had taken its toll -- he no longer understands the trash talk, the text message symbols or the tattoos.

According to the National Kennel Club, 60% of American homes have a dog.  Which is good news for Rupert Murdoch.  If it weren’t for puppy training, there wouldn’t be any newspapers at all.

______________________

(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O
These lines first appeared in this blog in March, 2001)

Michael Jackson has launched the Michael Jackson International Book Club.   (USA Today)    First month's selection: "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and God Knows Where I'm From."  

A 6.8 temblor struck Washington state, 35 miles southwest of Seattle, their sharpest since 1949.   (NY Times)    Preliminary assessment of damage to Bill Gates' lakefront mansion:   Shattered roof tiles, 16, 427. . . Cracked bricks, 8711. . . Broken windows, 98.

CBS honcho Les Moonves has had it with Dave Letterman's snide comments on his recent junket to Cuba where he visited Fidel Castro.   (LA Times)    Moonves explained to reporters that he went to Havana to interview Fidel as a possible replacement for Andy Rooney.
       
The 3-carat wedding ring Darva Conger got on "Who Wants To Marry a Multimillionaire" sold for $20,000 at a charity auction.   (LA Daily News)    Just proves the old adage: Diamonds are forever and TV shows come and go.

Saudi princess Hiud Shams el-Din Al-Fasi was sentenced to three years for stealing $1.2 million in jewelry from a Cairo dealer.   (LA Daily News)    She'll serve her time at a a minimum security halfway palace near Mecca.

Francis Ford Coppola will release a new version of "Apocalypse Now," adding an extra hour to its running time.   (LA Times)    In the updated version, Jane Fonda marries Marlon Brando and they buy a Cambodian baseball team.

Siegfried and Roy have signed a "lifetime" contract with the Mirage that will keep them employed at least until 2003.   (USA Today)    Their tigers, however, still wary of Vegas'  mob ties, won't sign for more than a year.

Tom Cruise jumped from 20th to first place in Forbes Magazine's Celebrity 100 power list while Julia Roberts slipped from number one to 16th.   (LA Times)    Julia is the victim of an incredibly bad career move -- she failed to sue anybody for divorce.

Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Jellyroll Morton who was overheard telling a girl at a singles bar "I have two brothers. . . "Twinkie" and "Ding Dong."

(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in March, 2001.  Download on Kindle at:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O)

THURSDAY, February 17, 2011

The Thai Airlines Human Resources Department is seeking trans-gendered flight attendants.  They hope to generate extra income.  If you can guess what the server is, your meal is free -- if you miss, you pay double.

Evading extensive security, a wharf rat somehow managed to stow away on an Alaskan Airlines 727 en route to Nome, but all ended well.  Before it could be caught, it wandered into the First Class Galley and became the “Ragout ala Rodant With Shallots.”

A giant container of 700,000 condoms shipped to Kuala Lumpur was recently stolen.  By the time police could trace them, they had been melted down into pucks for the Malaysian Olympic ice hockey team.

Lindsay Lohan and her mom have partnered in a new retail jewelry venture.  Should be successful because they carry no extensive inventory.  You point out what you want at another store and Lindsay delivers it to you the next day.

At New York’s annual Westminster Dog Show, the judges were particularly good this year.  The blue ribbon winner in the “Working Dogs” class was a Springer Spaniel who drives a cab in lower Manhattan.

WEDNESDAY, February 16, 2011

LA health authorities are baffled by a strange virus that infected guests of Hugh Hefner who ate a meal at the Playboy mansion.  Doctors didn’t know there was such a thing as sexually transmitted salmonella.

Among the top sellers at the New York Toy Fair:  the “Lady Gaga Barbie” that comes with a choice of costumes or a 3- pound balogna… the “Spider Man Game” complete with splints and plaster-of-Paris, and the Lindsay Lohan “Let’s Rob a Jewelry Store Kit” (glass-cutter optional).     

Top box office grosser last weekend was “Just Go With It” starring Adam Sandler and Jennifer Anniston.  In one scene, they visit Jen’s old cast-mates on “Friends” who are lawn bowling at a senior retirement center.

This year’s Academy Awards will be hosted by James Franco and Anne Hathaway, the first non-comedians to do so since 1973.  In fact, the only comedians appearing anywhere during the ceremony are Price and Waterhouse.

Roman Catholics can now confess their sins to an I-Phone app that dispenses absolution and assesses a penance.   The downside is, when you call tech support, you get an Indian at the Vatican who speaks Latin.

TUESDAY, February 15, 2011

Boeing has unveiled their new giant -- the 467 passenger 747-8 intercontinental jumbo jetliner.  Drastic design changes include a completely redesigned cockpit which now includes bar stools, a cocktail blender and a stewardess holding area.

A 3.2 million-year-old foot bone recently found in Ethiopia has convinced paleontologists that the earliest species of Neanderthal  man walked upright consistently, unlike, say, Charlie Sheen or Amy Winehouse.

Tiger Woods faces a stiff fine for spitting in frustration after posting a final round 75 in the Dubai Classic, his worst finish ever on the European tour.   Woods is so disgusted, he’s thinking of switching to baseball.

Korea is experiencing the coldest winter in more than a century with record wind, sleet and snowfalls.  The snow was so deep over the weekend, Kim Jong Il was missing  for almost three hours.

A man attacked by a tiger in Gediu, Indonesia was saved when his wife hit the big cat with a soup spoon.  The woman told rescuers that she used the spoon after realizing that she didn’t have time to load her salad shooter.

MONDAY, February 14, 2011

Disneyland in Anaheim, CA is undergoing a complete makeover to, according to a spokesman, “make the park more in tune with today’s reality.”  The renamed attractions will include “The Chinese Teacup Ride,” “Forbidden Cityland” and “Main Street Beijing.”

Recently, a power-outage caused the Newark, New Jersey Airport to go black for an hour and a half.  When the lights came back on, the air traffic controllers discovered they’d been directing taxicabs around the streets of Jersey City. 

Major League Baseball began spring training.  This year the Yankees will stress the fundamentals like the double-play, the bunt, base stealing and how to please high-maintenance groupies like Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson and Halle Berry. 

Major league pitcher Gil Meche returned a year’s salary of $12 million to his former employer the Kansas City Royals because he felt he didn’t deserve that much money.   The team owners immediately donated it to the Society to Bar Pete Rose from the Hall of Fame.

Drug smugglers were caught using a 16th century catapult to hurl kilos of marijuana over the U.S.-Mexico wall in Yuma, AZ.  In keeping with the medieval theme, Customs agents arrested the smugglers after jousting with them on horseback.

FRI, SAT, SUN, February 11, 12, 13, 2011

[The following is excerpted from Bob Mills’ new book WakiLeaks: History Declassified (Volume Three) 2003   Political Commentary to the left of Bill Maher.  The material was originally published in September 2003 in the blog “Bereft-on-the-Left” and is now available in e-book form on Kindle.]     

"[Indian] officials have been charged with anti-graft violations over their plans to ... build shopping malls, amusement parks and restaurants next to the ... Taj Mahal."      (LAT/9/23)   Next thing you know, they'll want to slap some slot machines in there.

"Turkey is weighing a request from the US that it provide up to 10,000 troops to serve under American control in Iraq ... The US will provide Turkey with as much as $85 billion in loans ... "      (LAT/9/23)   In small unmarked bills delivered in leather satchels by two guys named Vinnie and Nunzio.

"Princess Stephanie of Monaco was married to her circus performer boyfriend ... "      (USA/9/19)   In a triple ring ceremony no doubt.

"Researchers in Venezuela have identified skeletal remains of a gigantic rodent the size of a buffalo that lived 8 million years ago."   (LAD/9/20)   After first unearthing three giant tails and a huge carving knife.

"Prosecutors in the Kobe Bryant rape case will play a video tape in court next month of the accuser describing the attack ... "   (USA/9/11)   The court refused a request by the defense to show a video of Kobe making 47 consecutive lay-ups in a pre-season practice.

"France said for the first time Thursday that it would be willing to provide practical help to the United States in Iraq."   (USA/9/20)   Pentagon officials are investigating how best to deploy emergency foie gras, caviar, and escargot field kitchens.

Until we meet again, I leave you with the immortal words of the Jolly Green Giant's publicist who said "Good news. You're replacing Captain Crunch on the food pyramid."

" ... Ernest Borgnine, June Lockhart and Jean Simmons are expected to be in Hawaii early next year to shoot an independent film about finding love late in life."     (LAD/9/17)   Working title:    "Hot Flashdance."

"... Bush faces the unenviable prospect of becoming the first president to see employment shrink on his watch since Herbert Hoover."   (LAD/9/16)   Ah, but prosperity is just around the same corner that Herb saw.

"The Danish Parliament is considering increasing its 422-troop deployment in Iraq by a few hundred."     (USA/9/15)   Mostly combat pastry chefs.

"Israel's prime minister said on Sunday that killing Yasser Arafat ...  was one of several options now under government consideration."   (LAT/9/14)   "A cement overshoes vacation in the Nile has not been ruled out," said the PM's spokesman, Moshe "The Enforcer" Epstein.

Until we meet again, I leave you with the immortal words of Emperor Nero who was overheard telling a girl in a singles bar "I play violin ...  mostly classical but some jazz."

"The global death toll from smoking is shifting, with about as many people dying from smoking in the developing world as in industrialized nations ... "    (LAT/9/12)   A Philip Morris spokesman cited increased advertising, more efficient product distribution and the introduction of American style "smoke breaks" in Third World sweat shops.

"A bust of [Dan] Quayle was unveiled in a Capitol Rotunda ceremony."   (LAT/9/11)   It captures Dan's distinctive "deer caught in the marble" look.

"The Bush administration's color-coded terrorism alert system -- harshly criticized by counter-terrorist specialists and by much of the public -- is being revamped to make it far more difficult for the government to justify raising the threat level."     (LAT/9/13)   For instance, from now on there must be actual weapons of mass destruction, not just make believe ones.

"Britney Spears appeared on CNN' 'Crossfire' [and said] ... 'Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens."      (USA/9/4)   Thereby wresting the coveted Dimwit Trophy from Matthew McGohnahey who once told Oprah Winfrey that he didn't know Germans [he was playing one in a movie] participated in World War II.

Until we meet again, I leave you with the immortal words of the sommelier at the Last Supper who said to Jesus, "May I suggest you turn the water into a 17 AD Cabernet?"

"... the Pentagon's Special Operations chiefs were reduced to screening a 1965 movie 'The Battle of Algiers'... to try to learn why the French suffered a colonial disaster in a guerilla war against Muslims in Algiers."    (LAD/9/4)   Now if we can just get Bush's Environmental Pollution Agency to view "Erin Brockovitch."

"Computer technology designed to spot potential terrorists by their facial characteristics at airports failed its first major test... "  (USA/9/2)   During trials, the machines identified Saddam Hussein as Tom Selleck.

"Harley-Davidson celebrated its 100th birthday on Saturday with a parade of some 10,000 motorcycles in downtown Milwaukee."    (LAD/8/31)   Surpassing the previous record for most tattoos and nose rings at one event.

"‘Revolve,’ the new bible for girls between the ages of 12 and 17, offers the complete New Testament in a fashion magazine format... "   (LAT/8/30)   Among its articles:   "The Loaves and Fishes Diet," "Sandals For Any Season," and "Dressing Like a Roman Courtesan on a Mary Magdalene Budget."
 
__________________________
HISTORY WITH A PUNCH LINE...only $2.99 from Kindle

"WakiLeaks:  History Declassified” by TV comedy writer and former LA Times humor columnist ("Laugh Lines") Bob Mills is a compilation of items from the headlines of a decade ago that were first published in his blog "Funny Side Up."  This is a yuck-and-chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane along with the blog’s regular features "Words to Live By" (The Jolly Green Giant‘s doctor who once told him:  “You have the Niblets of a 24-year old.”) and "Well Said" (By Groucho Marx:  "Wives are women who think they don't do enough dancing.")      Download a FREE sample chapter at:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O
__________________

THURSDAY, February 10, 2011

After years of careful research, scientists have successfully trained mice to detect bombs and drugs being smuggled through Customs -- but they expect it will take several years to teach them to sing “Here I Come to Save the Day!”

According to a study by the University of Florida, sharks attacked 79 humans in 2010, well up from previous years.  They attribute the rise to increased interest in water sports, climate change, and the record number of tobacco company executives retiring.   

The National Veterinary Association reports that pets are most often poisoned by prescription medications dropped on the floor by careless owners.   And they appear to be highly selective, preferring to eat brand-named items they’ve seen on TV rather than the cheaper generics.

Sarah Palin is telling supporters that her handling of the Egyptian crisis would have been much different from Barack Obama’s.   Of course, it’s easy when you can see downtown Cairo from your front porch.

Buckingham Palace has asked a London company to stop manufacturing condoms that commemorate Prince William’s upcoming wedding to Kate Middleton.  Wait until the Queen finds out it was Prince Harry’s idea.

WEDNESDAY, February 9, 2011

According to reliable sources, Dick Cheney and Hosni Mubarak are good friends.  Hard to believe.  After all, one’s a heartless dictator who raped his country’s treasury and became rich at the peoples’ expense -- and the other one is Hosni Mubarak.

Japanese scientists have discovered that Labrador retrievers possess a rare ability to detect cancers of the colon entirely by smell.  And you thought it was uncomfortable with a proctologist rooting around in there.

To raise funds for their cause, the Muslim Brotherhood is selling a specially-designed Barbie honoring Muslims.  Actually, they saved a ton of money by just ordering Mattel’s “Beekeeper Barbie.”

Sarah Palin claims that Barack Obama has fallen short in his response to the ongoing riots in Cairo -- and she’s been brushing up on her Egyptology.  Last weekend, she watched “Abbott & Costello Meet King Tut” three times.

Terry Bradshaw drew less than critical acclaim for his post-Super Bowl interview.  Later, he apologized and told reporters he was rehearsing for an upcoming movie with Morgan Freeman called “The Bradshaw Redemption.”

TUESDAY, February 8, 2011

Singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl, Christina Aguilera inserted her own version of "O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming.“  Could have been worse.  During rehearsal, she kept singing “On to K-Mart we marched, so valiantly shopping.”  

In honor of the Gipper’s 100th birthday, the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi, CA is offering a cookbook featuring his favorite recipes.  The instructions never include sprinkling, basting or drizzling -- in every recipe, you have to wait for the seasonings to “trickle down.”

Muslim worshipers at Jerusalem’s Rock on the Temple Mount recently thought they saw a UFO land and depart.  Evidence of extraterrestrials included satellite data, scorch marks in the grass and a line of Reese’s Pieces leading to the mother ship.
     
After an investigation in Belfast, 135 patients treated at the School of Dentistry at the Royal Victoria Hospital were misdiagnosed by an oral medicine professor.  People everywhere were shocked.  Who knew there was a school of dentistry anywhere in the UK?

Entomologists from Arizona State University used heavy metal rock to prevent bark beetles from mating and destroying trees.  They first tried the Beatles, but that made them not only mate but destroy the trees while singing “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.”

MONDAY, February 7, 2011

Carl’s Jr. has debuted their new Foot-long Cheeseburger that weighs in at 850 calories, 45 fat grams and a whopping 2490 milligrams of sodium.  These puppies are so salty, the City of Chicago drops them along the Loop to prevent freezing.

A recent study by the National Education Association found that 30% of America’s grammar school students have no knowledge of basic scientific principles.  Half of them identified E=Mc2 as the symbol for two Big Macs.

Owners of the debt-ridden New jersey Devils have placed the team on the auction block.   Blamed for the team’s pile of bills are high player salaries, a drop in attendance and the monthly royalties they have to pay Mel Gibson and Osama bin Laden for use of the name.

A gun-loving member of Utah’s legislature has proposed naming the Browning M1911 the state’s official firearm.  If passed, the assault rifle will join the state’s official singers, Donny and Marie and its official comedian, Roseanne Barr.

Japan’s centuries-old national sport, Sumo Wrestling, has been rocked by scandal.  The cheating was exposed when judges caught one of the portly practitioners wearing a corked diaper.

FRI, SAT, SUN, February 4, 5, 6, 2011

For the first time, Superman will be played on the screen by a British actor,
Henry Cavill who was born in London.  Henry has an advantage that prior Supermen lacked -- he can cut through steel with his stiff upper lip.

New York’s tourism-concious Mayor Bloomberg believes street vendors should be regulated by the Health Department like restaurants.  Along the same lines, he wants to teach streetwalkers CPR since they entertain so many out-of-shape conventioneers. 

Depression-induced budget cuts may be noticeable in the upcoming “Spiderman” film starring British-born Andrew Garfield.  The producers ran short on wardrobe and had to borrow half-a-mask from Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Archeologists recently discovered fossils they think are the bones of a domesticated dog that lived 10,000 years ago.  Canine habits must have developed early -- he was still lying on a 10,000-year-old couch.

The Hooters restaurant chain, famous for its snugly-clad, well-endowed counter personnel, is for sale.   Several buyers have expressed interest and Hooters’ lawyers are carefully detailing the company’s assets -- point-by-point.

THURSDAY, February 3, 2011

The state of Nevada now tops the nation in real estate foreclosures.  Last week we stayed at a Reno Bed & Breakfast that was reasonable, but we had to make our own bed, cook our own breakfast and help the sheriff lock the place up.

… the checkout time at the Wagon Wheel Hotel/Casino in Laughlin is 11 am or the sheriff’s eviction, whichever comes first.

Historians are opposing a plan by Wal Mart to locate close to a hallowed Civil War battlefield.  It may be a tad commercial.   A nearby mall already features Abraham Lincoln delivering his famous Gettysburg Address -- “Fourscore and 7-Eleven… “

North Korea has announced  plans for a Seoul-inspired version of Disneyland.   Not everyone is completely at ease with the project, though.  As soon as the news was released, Pluto and Goofy  applied for hazardous duty pay.

The new Bangalore Starbucks offers several unique features.  For instance, say you stop in to use the free wi-fi and your computer malfunctions -- you can speak to a tech rep sitting right there at the next table.

WEDNESDAY, February 2, 2011

Starbucks has opened their first coffee shop in India.  Among the new menu entries expected to capture hearts and minds:  the Mahatma Mumbai Mocha, the Calcutta Curry De-calf, and the Ganges Gandhi Grande.

Pope Benedict XVI told the Vatican newspaper L’Observatore Romano that China must cease their human rights violations.  The message was delivered by his Chinese houseboy. Monsignor Kato.

Oprah Winfrey recently revealed that she has a half-sister who has made no effort to capitalize on her relationship financially.  Which itself raises the question:  How could she possibly be related to Oprah?

Communications experts have discovered that a silence of only four seconds in a conversation is enough to cause discomfort.  A four-second silence on “The View” automatically trips a switch that airs a “best of” episode.

Rioters in India have delivered to the government a list of demands that Mubarak step down, that top government officials be prosecuted for corruption and that India start charging the US for use of the pyramid on their dollar bill.