Evidence has emerged that Al Gore requested more inappropriate massages than previously reported. In fact, one massage parlor in Lower Manhattan advertises the “Global Warming Special -- guaranteed to melt your polar icecap.”
The Justice Department believes that several hundred FBI agents may have cheated on a recent exam. Supervisors got suspicious when they noticed almost all of them knew the number of founder J. Edgar Hoover’s account at Victoria’s Secret.
Oakland, California will become the first U.S. city to license large scale marijuana farms to grow medicinal pot. The announcement was made in Sacramento by the state’s newly-appointed Secretary of Agriculture, Willie Nelson.
The EPA wants legislation to outlaw designer shower-heads that are more powerful than allowed by government safety standards. According to current regulations, the spray must be less than that required to cause a supermodel to disappear down the drain.
The City of new York earmarked a half million dollars to eradicate the bed bug after a study revealed that the average New Yorker sleeps with more strange creatures than a hooker working a Star Trek convention.
FREE AUDIO BOOK:
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
;
THURSDAY, July 29, 2010
In St. Louis, rockers the Kings of Leon were forced off stage after being pelted with pigeon droppings. An ornithologist from the University of Missouri explained that since they don’t have webbed feet to applaud and can emit only a faint coo, it’s a pigeon’s only means of expressing approval.
Exposing America’s failing strategy in Afghanistan, Wikileaks released classified documents reminiscent of the Daniel Ellsberg papers that exposed the U.S. role in Vietnam. Several high ranking generals immediately condemned Wikileaks while bivouacking in Waikiki.
A man who held up a Swissvale, Pennsylvania bank wearing a woman’s blonde wig, fake breasts, a tight sweater and clown pants was arrested before he could drive away. On a brighter note, he’s been signed by Universal as the wardrobe designer on their upcoming bio-film “Lady Gaga Sings the Blues.”
A judge ruled that the once-popular Bratz Dolls, long enmeshed in a copyright suit, may return to the toy shelves. Mattel immediately hosted a gala Hollywood welcome home party attended by Barbie, Ken, and G.I. Joe as well as movie luminaries Buzz Lightyear, Slinky and Mr. Potato Head.
After decades of steady economic growth, Ireland’s international credit rating was recently downgraded by Moodys. Recovery efforts already underway include increasing exports, reducing taxes on businesses and shredding Snead O’Conner’s credit card at Harrods.
(FREE AUDIO BOOK: http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
Exposing America’s failing strategy in Afghanistan, Wikileaks released classified documents reminiscent of the Daniel Ellsberg papers that exposed the U.S. role in Vietnam. Several high ranking generals immediately condemned Wikileaks while bivouacking in Waikiki.
A man who held up a Swissvale, Pennsylvania bank wearing a woman’s blonde wig, fake breasts, a tight sweater and clown pants was arrested before he could drive away. On a brighter note, he’s been signed by Universal as the wardrobe designer on their upcoming bio-film “Lady Gaga Sings the Blues.”
A judge ruled that the once-popular Bratz Dolls, long enmeshed in a copyright suit, may return to the toy shelves. Mattel immediately hosted a gala Hollywood welcome home party attended by Barbie, Ken, and G.I. Joe as well as movie luminaries Buzz Lightyear, Slinky and Mr. Potato Head.
After decades of steady economic growth, Ireland’s international credit rating was recently downgraded by Moodys. Recovery efforts already underway include increasing exports, reducing taxes on businesses and shredding Snead O’Conner’s credit card at Harrods.
(FREE AUDIO BOOK: http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
WEDNESDAY, June 28, 2010
To increase awareness of ocean contamination, a 60-foot catamaran made of 12,500 plastic bottles sailed from San Francisco to Sydney, Australia. It was immediately purchased by BP, rechristened the “Gulf Polluter,” and given to Tony Hayward as a retirement gift.
Oceanographers and seismologists using cutting-edge laser cameras will attempt to photograph the entire coast of California. Rumors are that they were hired by several pharmaceutical companies hoping to recycle the medical waste they’ve dumped there over the years.
A convent of Benedictine nuns has been signed by Lady Gaga’s label, Decca Records, to produce an album of Gregorian Chants. The company is denying rumors that they plan to promote the singing nuns using their Mother Superior’s new stage name, Lady God God.
A chariot once used by Egypt’s King Tutankhamen was flown from Cairo to New York where it will be put on display with 130 objects from his tomb. The chariot was scheduled to arrive in New York last spring but was caught in Toyota‘s faulty brake recall.
Responding to a 27% obesity rate, a British department store chain has launched “plus sizes” for students returning to school, offering pre-school waistlines up to 23 inches. The full figure uniforms come in three models -- the “Winona,” the “Oprah” and the “Kirstie.”
Oceanographers and seismologists using cutting-edge laser cameras will attempt to photograph the entire coast of California. Rumors are that they were hired by several pharmaceutical companies hoping to recycle the medical waste they’ve dumped there over the years.
A convent of Benedictine nuns has been signed by Lady Gaga’s label, Decca Records, to produce an album of Gregorian Chants. The company is denying rumors that they plan to promote the singing nuns using their Mother Superior’s new stage name, Lady God God.
A chariot once used by Egypt’s King Tutankhamen was flown from Cairo to New York where it will be put on display with 130 objects from his tomb. The chariot was scheduled to arrive in New York last spring but was caught in Toyota‘s faulty brake recall.
Responding to a 27% obesity rate, a British department store chain has launched “plus sizes” for students returning to school, offering pre-school waistlines up to 23 inches. The full figure uniforms come in three models -- the “Winona,” the “Oprah” and the “Kirstie.”
TUESDAY, July 27, 2010
The Connecticut Supreme Court ruled that cheer leading does not qualify as a “sport,” reasoning that if it were a true sport like track and field, relay racers wouldn’t just pass the baton but would have to stop and twirl it.
A judge has ordered a suspect accused of stalking 90’s sitcom star Jennifer Aniston to stay away from her. Worse, the man who claims they’re engaged is in law enforcement -- as a school crossing guard, but still…
The state of Pennsylvania has become the first to legalize vending machines to be used exclusively for wine. The machines are gender-specific -- the handles that dispense the whites have been made easier for ladies to pull.
A quick-thinking Domino's pizza delivery man in Colorado saved the life of a customer who collapsed in his doorway with a heart attack. Actually, he defibrillated him using two thin crust medium pepperonis as paddles.
A mailman in California delivered a letter that had been mailed in 1937. That’s the good news. The bad news is the letter was written by Amelia Earhart and included her return address.
A judge has ordered a suspect accused of stalking 90’s sitcom star Jennifer Aniston to stay away from her. Worse, the man who claims they’re engaged is in law enforcement -- as a school crossing guard, but still…
The state of Pennsylvania has become the first to legalize vending machines to be used exclusively for wine. The machines are gender-specific -- the handles that dispense the whites have been made easier for ladies to pull.
A quick-thinking Domino's pizza delivery man in Colorado saved the life of a customer who collapsed in his doorway with a heart attack. Actually, he defibrillated him using two thin crust medium pepperonis as paddles.
A mailman in California delivered a letter that had been mailed in 1937. That’s the good news. The bad news is the letter was written by Amelia Earhart and included her return address.
MONDAY, July 26, 2010
In San Diego, thousands of comic book fans cheered as Will Farrell opened the annual four-day Comic-Con Convention dressed as the villain from “Megamind.“ City police, fire and medical personnel were on 24-hour Geek Alert, including members of the elite Nerd Squad.
Top weekend box-office went to “Inception,” in which Leonardo DiCaprio plays a white collar thief who can enter corporate executives’ dreams while they sleep. Bloomingdales is now selling mens’ silk pajamas with a built-in burglar alarm.
Harper-Collins will publish a special youth edition of Sarah Palin’s “Going Rogue” aimed at the eight-to-twelve year old market. It will be identical to the adult version but understandably, some of her words will have to be… well, you know… replaced by longer ones.
Police in Paris have charged an Air France flight attendant with grand theft for stealing from passengers while they slept. One man whose pant’s pocket she picked said he thought it was just a free service that came with the pillow and blanket.
Playboy On Line has launched a special edition intended for surreptitious viewing by employees during working hours. The monthly centerfold is shown lying across her desk in a cubicle and the Playboy Advisor features excerpts from The Wall Street Journal.
Top weekend box-office went to “Inception,” in which Leonardo DiCaprio plays a white collar thief who can enter corporate executives’ dreams while they sleep. Bloomingdales is now selling mens’ silk pajamas with a built-in burglar alarm.
Harper-Collins will publish a special youth edition of Sarah Palin’s “Going Rogue” aimed at the eight-to-twelve year old market. It will be identical to the adult version but understandably, some of her words will have to be… well, you know… replaced by longer ones.
Police in Paris have charged an Air France flight attendant with grand theft for stealing from passengers while they slept. One man whose pant’s pocket she picked said he thought it was just a free service that came with the pillow and blanket.
Playboy On Line has launched a special edition intended for surreptitious viewing by employees during working hours. The monthly centerfold is shown lying across her desk in a cubicle and the Playboy Advisor features excerpts from The Wall Street Journal.
FRI, SAT, SUN, July 23, 24, 25
Lindsay Lohan apparently entered the Los Angeles County Jail totally unprepared for the rudimentary living conditions that are common behind bars. Yesterday, a corrections officer caught her trying to carve a bar of soap out of a gun.
Attempting to avoid a total recall of its defective i-Phone, Apple has offered users a rubber sheath to prevent interruption of its signal due to a faulty antenna. The Vatican immediately issued a formal condemnation of the device, claiming that its use violates God’s calling plan.
KFC has become so popular in China, a new franchise opens every day. Of course it’s a little different over there -- the Colonel is known as “the Chairman” and the hottest-selling menu item is “The Gang of Four” -- wings, thighs, legs and beaks.
Despite his week of dominating the tabloids, Mel Gibson has begun principle photography on his latest film now on location in New York City. Some doubts have arisen, though, as to whether film goers will accept him as the lead in “The Bobby Kennedy Story.”
Hoping to repair its tattered image, Toyota has hired over a thousand automotive engineers to improve its manufacturing methods. Which came as great news to the engineers. After they were laid off by BP, there weren’t a lot of jobs around.
A school in Massachusetts has begun awarding an “obesity rating” along with student grades. It’s become so popular, many other schools across the state say they plan to follow the lead of Jenny Craig Elementary.
Marines assigned to train the Iraqi police have been riding along with LAPD officers to gain experience on the street. To add a touch of realism, Hells Angels are being paid to exchange their Harleys for a camel.
Northern California’s Pacific Gas & Electric Company now tracks customer use by radio waves. They were shocked to discover that two hours of Rush Limbaugh can heat a four bedroom, three bath home for a week.
Attempting to avoid a total recall of its defective i-Phone, Apple has offered users a rubber sheath to prevent interruption of its signal due to a faulty antenna. The Vatican immediately issued a formal condemnation of the device, claiming that its use violates God’s calling plan.
KFC has become so popular in China, a new franchise opens every day. Of course it’s a little different over there -- the Colonel is known as “the Chairman” and the hottest-selling menu item is “The Gang of Four” -- wings, thighs, legs and beaks.
Despite his week of dominating the tabloids, Mel Gibson has begun principle photography on his latest film now on location in New York City. Some doubts have arisen, though, as to whether film goers will accept him as the lead in “The Bobby Kennedy Story.”
Hoping to repair its tattered image, Toyota has hired over a thousand automotive engineers to improve its manufacturing methods. Which came as great news to the engineers. After they were laid off by BP, there weren’t a lot of jobs around.
A school in Massachusetts has begun awarding an “obesity rating” along with student grades. It’s become so popular, many other schools across the state say they plan to follow the lead of Jenny Craig Elementary.
Marines assigned to train the Iraqi police have been riding along with LAPD officers to gain experience on the street. To add a touch of realism, Hells Angels are being paid to exchange their Harleys for a camel.
Northern California’s Pacific Gas & Electric Company now tracks customer use by radio waves. They were shocked to discover that two hours of Rush Limbaugh can heat a four bedroom, three bath home for a week.
THURSDAY, July 22, 2010
Ninety-three year old 1970s Hungarian TV hottie Zsa Zsa Gabor was treated in a Los Angeles hospital for a broken hip. Fifteen paparazzi stationed on the front lawn when she checked out had misread her admission form and were expecting Lady Gaga.
Leslie Margolin, president of California Blue Cross, roundly criticized for attempting to double the cost of its health insurance, has resigned. She’s not worried however, telling reporters, “ I have a pre-existing other job.”
Media giants including Warner Bros. and Microsoft have introduced “UltraViolet,” a new technology that allows users to carry all of their movies, TV shows, and music on any device anywhere. In a related story, the producers of “Dancing With the Stars” will soon offer a chip which can be embedded in a fan’s neck.
Customs inspectors at Mexico City’s International Airport arrested a man who had just arrived from Lima, Peru with 18 monkeys hidden in his pants. He’d have slipped by if he’d had a better explanation for his half-eaten crate of bananas.
Tiger Woods finished tied for a disappointing tenth in the British Open but told a reporter green-side that his putting improved when he finally discovered the sweet spot -- that wasn’t in the back seat of his Escalade.
_____________________________________
Leslie Margolin, president of California Blue Cross, roundly criticized for attempting to double the cost of its health insurance, has resigned. She’s not worried however, telling reporters, “ I have a pre-existing other job.”
Media giants including Warner Bros. and Microsoft have introduced “UltraViolet,” a new technology that allows users to carry all of their movies, TV shows, and music on any device anywhere. In a related story, the producers of “Dancing With the Stars” will soon offer a chip which can be embedded in a fan’s neck.
Customs inspectors at Mexico City’s International Airport arrested a man who had just arrived from Lima, Peru with 18 monkeys hidden in his pants. He’d have slipped by if he’d had a better explanation for his half-eaten crate of bananas.
Tiger Woods finished tied for a disappointing tenth in the British Open but told a reporter green-side that his putting improved when he finally discovered the sweet spot -- that wasn’t in the back seat of his Escalade.
_____________________________________
WEDNESDAY, July 21, 2010
In an attempt to win back young soda drinkers who have switched to healthier juices and tea drinks, no-calorie Coke Zero and Pepsi Max squared off in a taste shoot-out. The 30 eighth-graders in the taste test will vote as soon as the researchers can scrape them off the ceiling.
The United Arab Emirates has placed a $9.1 billion order with Boeing for 30 of their new 787 Dreamliners, the slightly larger successor to the 747 -- the size and weight difference being about the same as that between Queen Latifah and Kirstie Alley.
Founded at the turn-of-the-century, the Young Mens’ Christian Association is changing it’s name to the more hip “The Y.” In a related story, the Village People changed their name to the more truthful “Lip-Syncing Gays In Costumes.”
Their profits plummeting, Blockbuster hired an experienced restructuring expert to attempt to revive the company. So far, his most promising suggestion is to switch from video rental to demolishing condemned buildings so they wouldn't have to pay for a new name.
Fidel Castro recently made a rare speech on Cuban television during which he condemned Cuban-Americans who support the U.S.-sponsored blockade… the imperialist leaders who invaded Afghanistan… and the gays who named their San Francisco district after him.
Serialized excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope’s Incredible Gag Writers © copyright 2009 by Robert L. Mills
Chapter 1 "When You See an Opening, Jump In!"
When I won my commission in August 1977, I joined a skeleton crew (for Hope) that included Charlie Lee, a relocated Brit who had been toiling in the Hope vineyards for twenty-five years, and Gig Henry, a Brooklyn Polytechnic grad who had worked for U.S. Intelligence during World War II and had been with Hope for two decades — save for a brief period in the seventies after Texaco prevailed on Hope to let his longtime producer and writing staff go. (Charlie and Gig were quietly rehired several months later.)
Billed as a “consultant,” Norman Sullivan, a seventyish, red-cheeked
Irishman who had been with Hope all of his adult life beginning in radio, lived on a sailboat docked at Malibu and several times a week delivered monologue jokes sealed in Manila envelopes.
Gig, Charlie and I worked under a forty-week contract to provide
material for the television specials as well as Hope’s personal appearances which at the time averaged three a week. In the summer we were given the option to continue working under a separate contract covering only personal appearances.
When Charlie retired in 1979, Hope hired a pair of variety show and sitcom veterans, Seaman Jacobs and Fred Fox (I Love Lucy, The Red Skelton Show, F-Troop, The Addams Family) to assist Gig and me on the TV side. When Gig retired four years later, he was replaced by Gene Perret who had been freelancing monologue material for Hope while working on Laugh-In, The Carol Burnett Show; The Bill Cosby Hour; Welcome Back, Kotter and Three’s Company. (The latter three he co-produced with his partner, Bill Richmond.)
In 1986, Martha Bolton came aboard. She had been a cartoon caption writer for Bill Hoest, creator of the nationally syndicated Howard Huge and The Lockhorns. She also wrote religious-themed books ("A Funny Thing Happened on My Way through the Bible") and would be the only full-time female writer Hope would ever hire. Jeffrey Barron, a University of Chicago graduate and former staff writer on SCTV in Montreal who had worked on various Hope specials in the seventies, joined us a year after Martha.
Writers brought in by the various producers included Harvey Berger, Howard Albrecht, Sol Weinstein, Bob Arnott, Bryan Blackburn, Marty Farrell, Chris Hart, Stan Hart, Casey Keller, Richard Albrecht, Gail Lawrence, Peter Rich, Pacy Markman, Steve Perani, Paul Pumpian, Charles Isaacs, Dick Vosburgh and Gary Chambers.
Freelance contributors to the television monologues included over the years Joe Madieros, Ron Burla, Cathy Green, Doug Gamble, Tom Shadyac, John Markus, Dennis Snee, Phil Lasker, Pat Proft and Bob Keane. These were the Laugh Makers.
Little Ol’ Line Makers
Working individually, we prepared eight-to-ten pages of topical jokes for each of Hope’s live performances — his standard fee for Bob Hope in Concert had climbed, by the mid-eighties to $85,000 — laced with local references prepared with the aid of questionnaires provided by local contacts.
It was a process that had served Hope well for years — allowing him to “personalize” each appearance with opening lines tailored to current happenings in that town or city. (“Nice to be here in Pitiful Falls — the gateway to Nowheresville. I thought I’d visit your former mayor. What time are the jail visiting hours?”) After a half-dozen or so local references, he’d segue into his regular material and the entire two-hour routine would seem “fresh.”
A call from Hope could come from anywhere in the country — or the world, for that matter — and we’d spring into action like so many comedy firemen responding to an alarm. He’d have spotted some news items for us to “jump on.” (His longtime producer, Mort Lachman, had dubbed the calls N.A.F.T.s — “Need A Few Things.”)
We’d usually have several hours to come up with the jokes, and then
one of us would call him back and recite them one-by-one, as he’d scribble his picks on the backs of envelopes or hotel stationery. Returning home, his secretaries would retype the lines for inclusion in his joke file. The process was tedious, and we rejoiced at the arrival of the fax machine that did away with the lengthy calls.
Once on Hope’s payroll, you were tethered to him with an invisible
telephone cord. If he knew you were accessible by phone, he relaxed. But if he thought you were out of Ma Bell’s reach — even if you were on vacation — he’d quietly panic. Each summer, Gig would spend several weeks in Europe, but no matter where he’d go and despite his attempts to keep his itinerary secret, Hope would somehow track Gig down. So one year, he decided to book his tour under his given name, Henry Rosenfeld. Checking into a hotel in Paris, he ran into actor Gig Young, whom he knew slightly. “Gig, would you mind telling Hope where you are?” said Young. “He keeps calling me!”
In vaudeville, catching trains on-the-run to get from one booking to the next, napping in railway depots or hotel lobbies when short of cash, Hope had become accustomed to operating with little or no sleep — or rather, the amount of sleep most people require. Actually, he got enough sleep but in small increments, just as Thomas Edison reportedly did. He could nap at will, nodding off almost instantly. It was a rare ability I would witness time and again.
Because of his unorthodox lifestyle, he got used to working when other mere mortals were exploring Lullaby City. The primary victims of his odd hours were his writers. A story had been kicking around for years — about a writer named Cy Rose whose marriage was threatened by Hope’s late-night calls.
Cy’s exasperated wife finally says to him, “This has to stop. The next time he wakes us up, I’ll answer the phone.” Thinking she intended to deliver an ultimatum, he agrees. Several nights later, the phone rings around two in the morning, and she answers. “Sorry to bother you at this hour,” says Hope, “but I’ve got to speak to Cy right away.” “He’s not here,” says the wife. “He told me he’d be with you tonight.” Without missing a beat, Hope replies, “Oh, yeah, here he comes now!” And hangs up.
So on the day Hope asked me to join the staff, I decided to level with
him right up front and explained that I’m a morning person. He said,
“What time do you turn in?” I said, “About ten o’clock — almost every
night.” He seemed unfazed. “I can live with that,” he said. “I’ll make sure I call you before ten.” Over the next seventeen years, he missed the deadline only once. I answered the phone one night around ten past ten and, without saying hello, he says “Am I too late?” I said, “Well, you’re lucky we’re watching the news, so I’ll let it slide.” Then I paused and said, “But don’t take advantage.” He let out one of the biggest laughs I ever got from him.
To be continued…
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line at Amazon.com and download a FREE AUDIO VERSION, unabridged and read by the author:
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
The United Arab Emirates has placed a $9.1 billion order with Boeing for 30 of their new 787 Dreamliners, the slightly larger successor to the 747 -- the size and weight difference being about the same as that between Queen Latifah and Kirstie Alley.
Founded at the turn-of-the-century, the Young Mens’ Christian Association is changing it’s name to the more hip “The Y.” In a related story, the Village People changed their name to the more truthful “Lip-Syncing Gays In Costumes.”
Their profits plummeting, Blockbuster hired an experienced restructuring expert to attempt to revive the company. So far, his most promising suggestion is to switch from video rental to demolishing condemned buildings so they wouldn't have to pay for a new name.
Fidel Castro recently made a rare speech on Cuban television during which he condemned Cuban-Americans who support the U.S.-sponsored blockade… the imperialist leaders who invaded Afghanistan… and the gays who named their San Francisco district after him.
Serialized excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope’s Incredible Gag Writers © copyright 2009 by Robert L. Mills
Chapter 1 "When You See an Opening, Jump In!"
When I won my commission in August 1977, I joined a skeleton crew (for Hope) that included Charlie Lee, a relocated Brit who had been toiling in the Hope vineyards for twenty-five years, and Gig Henry, a Brooklyn Polytechnic grad who had worked for U.S. Intelligence during World War II and had been with Hope for two decades — save for a brief period in the seventies after Texaco prevailed on Hope to let his longtime producer and writing staff go. (Charlie and Gig were quietly rehired several months later.)
Billed as a “consultant,” Norman Sullivan, a seventyish, red-cheeked
Irishman who had been with Hope all of his adult life beginning in radio, lived on a sailboat docked at Malibu and several times a week delivered monologue jokes sealed in Manila envelopes.
Gig, Charlie and I worked under a forty-week contract to provide
material for the television specials as well as Hope’s personal appearances which at the time averaged three a week. In the summer we were given the option to continue working under a separate contract covering only personal appearances.
When Charlie retired in 1979, Hope hired a pair of variety show and sitcom veterans, Seaman Jacobs and Fred Fox (I Love Lucy, The Red Skelton Show, F-Troop, The Addams Family) to assist Gig and me on the TV side. When Gig retired four years later, he was replaced by Gene Perret who had been freelancing monologue material for Hope while working on Laugh-In, The Carol Burnett Show; The Bill Cosby Hour; Welcome Back, Kotter and Three’s Company. (The latter three he co-produced with his partner, Bill Richmond.)
In 1986, Martha Bolton came aboard. She had been a cartoon caption writer for Bill Hoest, creator of the nationally syndicated Howard Huge and The Lockhorns. She also wrote religious-themed books ("A Funny Thing Happened on My Way through the Bible") and would be the only full-time female writer Hope would ever hire. Jeffrey Barron, a University of Chicago graduate and former staff writer on SCTV in Montreal who had worked on various Hope specials in the seventies, joined us a year after Martha.
Writers brought in by the various producers included Harvey Berger, Howard Albrecht, Sol Weinstein, Bob Arnott, Bryan Blackburn, Marty Farrell, Chris Hart, Stan Hart, Casey Keller, Richard Albrecht, Gail Lawrence, Peter Rich, Pacy Markman, Steve Perani, Paul Pumpian, Charles Isaacs, Dick Vosburgh and Gary Chambers.
Freelance contributors to the television monologues included over the years Joe Madieros, Ron Burla, Cathy Green, Doug Gamble, Tom Shadyac, John Markus, Dennis Snee, Phil Lasker, Pat Proft and Bob Keane. These were the Laugh Makers.
Little Ol’ Line Makers
Working individually, we prepared eight-to-ten pages of topical jokes for each of Hope’s live performances — his standard fee for Bob Hope in Concert had climbed, by the mid-eighties to $85,000 — laced with local references prepared with the aid of questionnaires provided by local contacts.
It was a process that had served Hope well for years — allowing him to “personalize” each appearance with opening lines tailored to current happenings in that town or city. (“Nice to be here in Pitiful Falls — the gateway to Nowheresville. I thought I’d visit your former mayor. What time are the jail visiting hours?”) After a half-dozen or so local references, he’d segue into his regular material and the entire two-hour routine would seem “fresh.”
A call from Hope could come from anywhere in the country — or the world, for that matter — and we’d spring into action like so many comedy firemen responding to an alarm. He’d have spotted some news items for us to “jump on.” (His longtime producer, Mort Lachman, had dubbed the calls N.A.F.T.s — “Need A Few Things.”)
We’d usually have several hours to come up with the jokes, and then
one of us would call him back and recite them one-by-one, as he’d scribble his picks on the backs of envelopes or hotel stationery. Returning home, his secretaries would retype the lines for inclusion in his joke file. The process was tedious, and we rejoiced at the arrival of the fax machine that did away with the lengthy calls.
Once on Hope’s payroll, you were tethered to him with an invisible
telephone cord. If he knew you were accessible by phone, he relaxed. But if he thought you were out of Ma Bell’s reach — even if you were on vacation — he’d quietly panic. Each summer, Gig would spend several weeks in Europe, but no matter where he’d go and despite his attempts to keep his itinerary secret, Hope would somehow track Gig down. So one year, he decided to book his tour under his given name, Henry Rosenfeld. Checking into a hotel in Paris, he ran into actor Gig Young, whom he knew slightly. “Gig, would you mind telling Hope where you are?” said Young. “He keeps calling me!”
In vaudeville, catching trains on-the-run to get from one booking to the next, napping in railway depots or hotel lobbies when short of cash, Hope had become accustomed to operating with little or no sleep — or rather, the amount of sleep most people require. Actually, he got enough sleep but in small increments, just as Thomas Edison reportedly did. He could nap at will, nodding off almost instantly. It was a rare ability I would witness time and again.
Because of his unorthodox lifestyle, he got used to working when other mere mortals were exploring Lullaby City. The primary victims of his odd hours were his writers. A story had been kicking around for years — about a writer named Cy Rose whose marriage was threatened by Hope’s late-night calls.
Cy’s exasperated wife finally says to him, “This has to stop. The next time he wakes us up, I’ll answer the phone.” Thinking she intended to deliver an ultimatum, he agrees. Several nights later, the phone rings around two in the morning, and she answers. “Sorry to bother you at this hour,” says Hope, “but I’ve got to speak to Cy right away.” “He’s not here,” says the wife. “He told me he’d be with you tonight.” Without missing a beat, Hope replies, “Oh, yeah, here he comes now!” And hangs up.
So on the day Hope asked me to join the staff, I decided to level with
him right up front and explained that I’m a morning person. He said,
“What time do you turn in?” I said, “About ten o’clock — almost every
night.” He seemed unfazed. “I can live with that,” he said. “I’ll make sure I call you before ten.” Over the next seventeen years, he missed the deadline only once. I answered the phone one night around ten past ten and, without saying hello, he says “Am I too late?” I said, “Well, you’re lucky we’re watching the news, so I’ll let it slide.” Then I paused and said, “But don’t take advantage.” He let out one of the biggest laughs I ever got from him.
To be continued…
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line at Amazon.com and download a FREE AUDIO VERSION, unabridged and read by the author:
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
TUESDAY, July 20, 2010
In Switzerland, a solar-powered airplane set a world record by flying at 30,000 feet for 24 consecutive hours without landing. The only other known instance of a European remaining that high that long was Amy Winehouse in 2007, but she was disqualified for "tattoos unflattering to the judges."
Testing popular food sources for contamination, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that guacamole often contains illness-causing bacteria. Inspectors became suspicious when they noticed the "Flaming Cactus" avocado dip at El Torito was eating more tortilla chips than the customers.
The Los Angeles Sheriff's Department recently confiscated 100,000 marijuana plants growing on one farm in a remote section of the Santa Suzanna Mountains. Which answers a question we've all been asking for years -- what was it that made that annoying Giant so green and jolly.
A supermodel from Romania has announced plans to establish a political party that would restrict its membership to good looking people only. On hearing this for the first time, most Americans express shock and disbelief -- they thought Nadia Cominiche would be middle-aged and dumpy by now.
To foster gender equality, the International Olympic Committee is encouraging leaders in Saudi Arabia to enter female athletes in the 2012 Olympics in London. Insiders close to Saudi athletics predict they would be going-away favorites in the 'Hop, Skip, and Pebble Dodge."
Serialized excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope’s Incredible Gag Writers © copyright 2009 by Robert L. Mills
PREFACE
When I was born, Bob Hope was thirty-five and already a star who could boast a vaudeville career that dated back to 1924, a stint on Broadway in Roberta, seven short films beginning with Going Spanish in 1934 and a starring role with Jimmy Durante and Ethel Merman in Red, Hot and Blue!, which had been a highlight of the Great White Way’s 1937 season. When, forty years later almost to the day, Hope hired me to write for him, he had dominated the airwaves in radio and had starred in fifty-two movies. (The sudden death of Bing Crosby just two months later would scuttle plans for yet another, The Road to the Fountain of Youth.)
Hope had been visiting America’s living rooms, first on kinescope and later on tape, for almost three decades. Yet, at the age of seventy-five, he was in many ways just hitting his stride and would, over the next fifteen years, produce and star in over eighty-five television specials, many of which would rank among his best.
When you signed on with Bob Hope, it was akin to entering an ancient, tradition-laden religious order where you agreed to forgo the temptations of the secular world in exchange for a life of unwavering loyalty, absolute obedience and, I have to admit, more thrills and excitement than anyone could possibly imagine. First, there was great professional satisfaction in being a “Hope writer.” In those days, a contract to write for him was considered gilt edged— the comedic equivalent of a degree from Harvard.
As for the work itself, he might have been the pope and you a cardinal commissioned by the Almighty to provide a never-ending supply of wit and drollery for delivery to the masses assembled in Vatican Square. Hope-staff-alumnus Larry Gelbart (M*A*S*H, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum), quoted in
the Museum of Broadcasting’s "Bob Hope: A Half Century on Radio and Television," summed it up perfectly:
“Hope would never fire anybody. If he bought you, you were there. He knew pretty much you were going to stay. He got his help down to a science — people preparing him, massaging him, laying out his clothes. It was a little like preparing a bullfighter.”
The only difference being, the work was steadier. When a bullfighter dies, you’re out of a job. When Hope died, he kept coming back for more. When you were invited to take a seat at his comedy Round Table (to switch to a less religious metaphor), you were keenly aware that your name was being added to a venerable honor roll of humorists.
Hope had employed more writers over a longer period than any performer in history and among the veterans of “Hope’s Army” (so labeled by the press) were Mort Lachman, Mel Shavelson, Larry Rhine, Sherwood Schwartz, Norman Panama, Jay Burton, Jack Douglas, Larry Marks, Si Rose, Mel Tolkin, Al Schwartz, Jack Rose, Les White, Johnny Rapp, Mel Frank, Bill Larkin, Hal Goodman, Marty Ragaway, Ray Siller, Hal Kanter and Milt Josefsberg. To a man, these veteran jokesmiths shared a common talent: the ability to put words into Hope’s mouth that appeared to have originated there.
Hope himself was the first to point out that having maintained a staff of the most able writers he could find contributed as much to his sustained popularity and prodigious body of work as the uncommon physical stamina with which he had been genetically gifted. The unique performer-writer symbiosis that developed between Hope and his comedic entourage was the first — and most likely will be the last — of its kind. What follows is an inside look at how Hope’s system operated — one that I hope will provide clues as to why it did for seventy years.
Next: Chapter 1 "When You See an Opening, Jump In!"
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line at Amazon.com and download a FREE AUDIO VERSION, unabridged and read by the author:
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
______________________________________
Testing popular food sources for contamination, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that guacamole often contains illness-causing bacteria. Inspectors became suspicious when they noticed the "Flaming Cactus" avocado dip at El Torito was eating more tortilla chips than the customers.
The Los Angeles Sheriff's Department recently confiscated 100,000 marijuana plants growing on one farm in a remote section of the Santa Suzanna Mountains. Which answers a question we've all been asking for years -- what was it that made that annoying Giant so green and jolly.
A supermodel from Romania has announced plans to establish a political party that would restrict its membership to good looking people only. On hearing this for the first time, most Americans express shock and disbelief -- they thought Nadia Cominiche would be middle-aged and dumpy by now.
To foster gender equality, the International Olympic Committee is encouraging leaders in Saudi Arabia to enter female athletes in the 2012 Olympics in London. Insiders close to Saudi athletics predict they would be going-away favorites in the 'Hop, Skip, and Pebble Dodge."
Serialized excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope’s Incredible Gag Writers © copyright 2009 by Robert L. Mills
PREFACE
When I was born, Bob Hope was thirty-five and already a star who could boast a vaudeville career that dated back to 1924, a stint on Broadway in Roberta, seven short films beginning with Going Spanish in 1934 and a starring role with Jimmy Durante and Ethel Merman in Red, Hot and Blue!, which had been a highlight of the Great White Way’s 1937 season. When, forty years later almost to the day, Hope hired me to write for him, he had dominated the airwaves in radio and had starred in fifty-two movies. (The sudden death of Bing Crosby just two months later would scuttle plans for yet another, The Road to the Fountain of Youth.)
Hope had been visiting America’s living rooms, first on kinescope and later on tape, for almost three decades. Yet, at the age of seventy-five, he was in many ways just hitting his stride and would, over the next fifteen years, produce and star in over eighty-five television specials, many of which would rank among his best.
When you signed on with Bob Hope, it was akin to entering an ancient, tradition-laden religious order where you agreed to forgo the temptations of the secular world in exchange for a life of unwavering loyalty, absolute obedience and, I have to admit, more thrills and excitement than anyone could possibly imagine. First, there was great professional satisfaction in being a “Hope writer.” In those days, a contract to write for him was considered gilt edged— the comedic equivalent of a degree from Harvard.
As for the work itself, he might have been the pope and you a cardinal commissioned by the Almighty to provide a never-ending supply of wit and drollery for delivery to the masses assembled in Vatican Square. Hope-staff-alumnus Larry Gelbart (M*A*S*H, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum), quoted in
the Museum of Broadcasting’s "Bob Hope: A Half Century on Radio and Television," summed it up perfectly:
“Hope would never fire anybody. If he bought you, you were there. He knew pretty much you were going to stay. He got his help down to a science — people preparing him, massaging him, laying out his clothes. It was a little like preparing a bullfighter.”
The only difference being, the work was steadier. When a bullfighter dies, you’re out of a job. When Hope died, he kept coming back for more. When you were invited to take a seat at his comedy Round Table (to switch to a less religious metaphor), you were keenly aware that your name was being added to a venerable honor roll of humorists.
Hope had employed more writers over a longer period than any performer in history and among the veterans of “Hope’s Army” (so labeled by the press) were Mort Lachman, Mel Shavelson, Larry Rhine, Sherwood Schwartz, Norman Panama, Jay Burton, Jack Douglas, Larry Marks, Si Rose, Mel Tolkin, Al Schwartz, Jack Rose, Les White, Johnny Rapp, Mel Frank, Bill Larkin, Hal Goodman, Marty Ragaway, Ray Siller, Hal Kanter and Milt Josefsberg. To a man, these veteran jokesmiths shared a common talent: the ability to put words into Hope’s mouth that appeared to have originated there.
Hope himself was the first to point out that having maintained a staff of the most able writers he could find contributed as much to his sustained popularity and prodigious body of work as the uncommon physical stamina with which he had been genetically gifted. The unique performer-writer symbiosis that developed between Hope and his comedic entourage was the first — and most likely will be the last — of its kind. What follows is an inside look at how Hope’s system operated — one that I hope will provide clues as to why it did for seventy years.
Next: Chapter 1 "When You See an Opening, Jump In!"
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line at Amazon.com and download a FREE AUDIO VERSION, unabridged and read by the author:
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
______________________________________
MONDAY, July 19, 2010
Wonder Woman has been given a fashion makeover to more accurately reflect today’s liberated female. From now on she’ll wear a red and gold blouse, black pants, a midnight blue jacket, bullet-deflecting Bracelets of Victory, a Lasso of Truth… oops, sorry -- those are the flight attendants on Delta.
Scientists have successfully formulated a synthetic form of marijuana that can be sold legally in forty-two states. K-2 delivers a genuine high but appears to have one unfortunate side-effect -- it seems to work only if you’re wearing a polyester suit.
Porsche is selling a hybrid sports car that gets 78 miles per gallon and can accelerate from zero to sixty in three seconds. It has a price tag of $630,000, but so far, buyers who financed made one payment and Porsche hasn’t been able to catch them to collect any more.
U.S. Marines are being given “ride-a-longs” by the LAPD so they’ll be able to train Afghan recruits as cops. During their three week, comprehensive course on police tactics, they learn how to interrogate drunk drivers, identify parking lot drug buys and spot unmarked do-nut shops.
Workers excavating at Ground Zero came upon a wooden ship from the 17th century that had been buried in Manhattan’s land fill. Graphologists were able to determine its age by tracing the Latin graffiti scrawled on the vessel’s sides.
___________________________
Serialized excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope’s Incredible Gag Writers © copyright 2009 by Robert L. Mills
PREFACE
When I was born, Bob Hope was thirty-five and already a star who could boast a vaudeville career that dated back to 1924, a stint on Broadway in Roberta, seven short films beginning with Going Spanish in 1934 and a starring role with Jimmy Durante and Ethel Merman in Red, Hot and Blue!, which had been a highlight of the Great White Way’s 1937 season.
When, forty years later almost to the day, Hope hired me to write for him, he had dominated the airwaves in radio and had starred in fifty-two movies. (The sudden death of Bing Crosby just two months later would scuttle plans for yet another, The Road to the Fountain of Youth.) Hope had been visiting America’s living rooms, first on kinescope and later on tape, for almost three decades. Yet, at the age of seventy-five, he was in many ways just hitting his stride and would, over the next fifteen years, produce and star in over eighty-five television specials, many of which would rank among his best.
When you signed on with Bob Hope, it was akin to entering an ancient, tradition-laden religious order where you agreed to forgo the temptations of the secular world in exchange for a life of unwavering loyalty, absolute obedience and, I have to admit, more thrills and excitement than anyone could possibly imagine. First, there was great professional satisfaction in being a “Hope writer.” In those days, a contract to write for him was considered gilt edged— the comedic equivalent of a degree from Harvard.
As for the work itself, he might have been the pope and you a cardinal commissioned by the Almighty to provide a never-ending supply of wit and drollery for delivery to the masses assembled in Vatican Square.
Hope-staff-alumnus Larry Gelbart (M*A*S*H, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum), quoted in the Museum of Broadcasting’s "Bob Hope: A Half Century on Radio and Television," summed it up perfectly:
“Hope would never fire anybody. If he bought you,
you were there. He knew pretty much you were
going to stay. He got his help down to a science —
people preparing him, massaging him, laying out
his clothes. It was a little like preparing a bullfighter.”
The only difference being, the work was steadier. When a bullfighter dies, you’re out of a job. When Hope died, he kept coming back for more. When you were invited to take a seat at his comedy Round Table (to switch to a less religious metaphor), you were keenly aware that your name was being added to a venerable honor roll of humorists.
Hope had employed more writers over a longer period than any performer in history and among the veterans of “Hope’s Army” (so labeled by the press) were Mort Lachman, Mel Shavelson, Larry Rhine, Sherwood Schwartz, Norman Panama, Jay Burton, Jack Douglas, Larry Marks, Si Rose, Mel Tolkin, Al Schwartz, Jack Rose, Les White, Johnny Rapp, Mel Frank, Bill Larkin, Hal Goodman, Marty Ragaway, Ray Siller, Hal Kanter and Milt Josefsberg. To a man, these veteran joke smiths shared a common talent: the ability to put words into Hope’s mouth that appeared to have originated there.
Hope himself was the first to point out that having maintained a staff of the most able writers he could find contributed as much to his sustained popularity and prodigious body of work as the uncommon physical stamina with which he had been genetically gifted. The unique performer-writer symbiosis that developed between Hope and his comedic entourage was the first — and most likely will be the last — of its kind. What follows is an inside look at how Hope’s system operated — one that I hope will provide clues as to why it did for seventy years
Next: Chapter 1 “If You See an Opening, Jump In!”
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line at Amazon.com and download a FREE MP3 audio version, unabridged and read by the author, by clicking on this link:
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
Scientists have successfully formulated a synthetic form of marijuana that can be sold legally in forty-two states. K-2 delivers a genuine high but appears to have one unfortunate side-effect -- it seems to work only if you’re wearing a polyester suit.
Porsche is selling a hybrid sports car that gets 78 miles per gallon and can accelerate from zero to sixty in three seconds. It has a price tag of $630,000, but so far, buyers who financed made one payment and Porsche hasn’t been able to catch them to collect any more.
U.S. Marines are being given “ride-a-longs” by the LAPD so they’ll be able to train Afghan recruits as cops. During their three week, comprehensive course on police tactics, they learn how to interrogate drunk drivers, identify parking lot drug buys and spot unmarked do-nut shops.
Workers excavating at Ground Zero came upon a wooden ship from the 17th century that had been buried in Manhattan’s land fill. Graphologists were able to determine its age by tracing the Latin graffiti scrawled on the vessel’s sides.
___________________________
Serialized excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope’s Incredible Gag Writers © copyright 2009 by Robert L. Mills
PREFACE
When I was born, Bob Hope was thirty-five and already a star who could boast a vaudeville career that dated back to 1924, a stint on Broadway in Roberta, seven short films beginning with Going Spanish in 1934 and a starring role with Jimmy Durante and Ethel Merman in Red, Hot and Blue!, which had been a highlight of the Great White Way’s 1937 season.
When, forty years later almost to the day, Hope hired me to write for him, he had dominated the airwaves in radio and had starred in fifty-two movies. (The sudden death of Bing Crosby just two months later would scuttle plans for yet another, The Road to the Fountain of Youth.) Hope had been visiting America’s living rooms, first on kinescope and later on tape, for almost three decades. Yet, at the age of seventy-five, he was in many ways just hitting his stride and would, over the next fifteen years, produce and star in over eighty-five television specials, many of which would rank among his best.
When you signed on with Bob Hope, it was akin to entering an ancient, tradition-laden religious order where you agreed to forgo the temptations of the secular world in exchange for a life of unwavering loyalty, absolute obedience and, I have to admit, more thrills and excitement than anyone could possibly imagine. First, there was great professional satisfaction in being a “Hope writer.” In those days, a contract to write for him was considered gilt edged— the comedic equivalent of a degree from Harvard.
As for the work itself, he might have been the pope and you a cardinal commissioned by the Almighty to provide a never-ending supply of wit and drollery for delivery to the masses assembled in Vatican Square.
Hope-staff-alumnus Larry Gelbart (M*A*S*H, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum), quoted in the Museum of Broadcasting’s "Bob Hope: A Half Century on Radio and Television," summed it up perfectly:
“Hope would never fire anybody. If he bought you,
you were there. He knew pretty much you were
going to stay. He got his help down to a science —
people preparing him, massaging him, laying out
his clothes. It was a little like preparing a bullfighter.”
The only difference being, the work was steadier. When a bullfighter dies, you’re out of a job. When Hope died, he kept coming back for more. When you were invited to take a seat at his comedy Round Table (to switch to a less religious metaphor), you were keenly aware that your name was being added to a venerable honor roll of humorists.
Hope had employed more writers over a longer period than any performer in history and among the veterans of “Hope’s Army” (so labeled by the press) were Mort Lachman, Mel Shavelson, Larry Rhine, Sherwood Schwartz, Norman Panama, Jay Burton, Jack Douglas, Larry Marks, Si Rose, Mel Tolkin, Al Schwartz, Jack Rose, Les White, Johnny Rapp, Mel Frank, Bill Larkin, Hal Goodman, Marty Ragaway, Ray Siller, Hal Kanter and Milt Josefsberg. To a man, these veteran joke smiths shared a common talent: the ability to put words into Hope’s mouth that appeared to have originated there.
Hope himself was the first to point out that having maintained a staff of the most able writers he could find contributed as much to his sustained popularity and prodigious body of work as the uncommon physical stamina with which he had been genetically gifted. The unique performer-writer symbiosis that developed between Hope and his comedic entourage was the first — and most likely will be the last — of its kind. What follows is an inside look at how Hope’s system operated — one that I hope will provide clues as to why it did for seventy years
Next: Chapter 1 “If You See an Opening, Jump In!”
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line at Amazon.com and download a FREE MP3 audio version, unabridged and read by the author, by clicking on this link:
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
FRI, SAT, SUN, July 16, 17, 18
LAFFS From the PAST (from our issue dated July 12, 2000)
Barbra Streisand will perform at a fundraising concert for Al Gore where Dem Bigwigs will shell out $25,000 per couple. Any legitimate movie or TV producer who offers James Brolin a job will be admitted, along with a guest, free.
GOP vice presidential hopeful Christine Todd Whitman's chances to get the nod from Bush disappeared when a photo of her laughing while frisking an innocent black man came to light. Unfortunate. Would have made a great bumper sticker -- "Vote For Frisk 'Em & Fry 'Em."
Brigitte Bardot has made a formal appeal to the pope to speak out against bullfighting in Spain as "an atrocious custom... this terrible way of treating animals. "Not likely," said the pontiff's official spokesman, Cardinal Manolete.
Six people were gored, trampled or kicked and several other suffered cuts and bruises at the San Fermin Fiesta in Pamplona, Spain -- or, as it's known in Los Angeles, the “Presidents' Day Bra Sale” at Bloomingdale's.
Scores of SAG members protested outside a McDonald's in Studio City, CA because of the company's refusal to pay residuals to actors appearing in their TV commercials. The union is demanding $150 and one free McDonald's Meal Deal per rerun.
Naples, NY, near Rochester, is being plagued by swarms of house flies apparently attracted by 200 tons of manure spread on a farmer's field. Either that or too many people tuned in Howard Stern at the same time.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Emperor Nero who once ran an ad in the personals that said "Love long walks on the beach followed by fiddling before an open fire."
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
PREFACE
I first laid eyes on Bob Hope in person when I was seventeen. He came to my hometown, San Francisco, in 1954 to promote his recently published book, “Have Tux, Will Travel.” A friend and I rode the streetcar from the fog-enshrouded Parkside District where we lived, through the Twin Peaks Tunnel, past the soon-to-be-infamous Castro District to Market Street.
Within sight of the Bay and just a few blocks from the Ferry Building, one of the city’s largest department stores, The Emporium, stood grandly in the heart of downtown. As we waited in the midst of the small crowd of expectant celebrity watchers that had gathered along the curb, our hearts beat like trip hammers — we were about to meet our first movie star!
Since I had held the undisputed title of class clown at St. Gabriel Grammar School, it was no surprise that, just before I left the house, I grabbed a paperback copy of Bing Crosby’s autobiography, “Call Me Lucky.” I couldn’t wait to see Hope’s reaction when I asked him to autograph it instead of his own book.
Soon, a black stretch limo glided up to the store’s ornate entrance and out stepped the instantly-recognizable, matinee-idol-handsome, 52-year-old Hope. As everyone in the crowd applauded, whistled or cheered, he quickly combed back a still-generous shock of brown hair that had been suddenly rearranged by a gust from the Bay. “Where am I? Chicago?” Laughter joined the sound of passing traffic. He was funny in real life, too!
As the star made his way through a path across the sidewalk that had parted for him like the Red Sea, we dutifully followed him to the book department. A special author’s table had been set up on a riser with stacks of “Have Tux” strategically stacked nearby. A queue quickly formed and I got into it, my copy of Bing’s book clutched securely for action.
Hope began signing, and, as he asked each person’s name, would add a little joke or comment — “O’Callahan. Jewish, huh?” — an accommodation that slowed the process, but one that presaged something in his nature that, years later, I would observe time and again: whenever he had the chance, he made fans and supporters feel that they were somehow special. It was the mark of a consummate salesman which, I would someday learn, he was.
I reached the head of the line and said, “Hi, Bob.” He nodded. Then, in that smart-alecky way only teens can handle just right, I said, “I can’t afford your book, but will this do?” He looked at the dog-eared paperback, held it up for the others in line to see — it had a picture of Bing with his pipe on the front — and tossed it straight up, where it hovered momentarily at mezzanine level and then fluttered to the floor like a wounded pheasant, landing beside a Hoover upright on sale in the adjoining housewares department.
The crowd reacted just as I thought they would. My visual gag produced a spontaneous, genuine laugh. I had created my first comic routine for Bob Hope! I had no way of knowing then, of course, that some two decades later, he’d hire me to write thousands of them. There would be a few detours during my journey, but for a brief, fleeting moment I was in show business — and I liked it.
Next week: I'm Commissioned a Lieutenant in "Hope's Army"
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
Barbra Streisand will perform at a fundraising concert for Al Gore where Dem Bigwigs will shell out $25,000 per couple. Any legitimate movie or TV producer who offers James Brolin a job will be admitted, along with a guest, free.
GOP vice presidential hopeful Christine Todd Whitman's chances to get the nod from Bush disappeared when a photo of her laughing while frisking an innocent black man came to light. Unfortunate. Would have made a great bumper sticker -- "Vote For Frisk 'Em & Fry 'Em."
Brigitte Bardot has made a formal appeal to the pope to speak out against bullfighting in Spain as "an atrocious custom... this terrible way of treating animals. "Not likely," said the pontiff's official spokesman, Cardinal Manolete.
Six people were gored, trampled or kicked and several other suffered cuts and bruises at the San Fermin Fiesta in Pamplona, Spain -- or, as it's known in Los Angeles, the “Presidents' Day Bra Sale” at Bloomingdale's.
Scores of SAG members protested outside a McDonald's in Studio City, CA because of the company's refusal to pay residuals to actors appearing in their TV commercials. The union is demanding $150 and one free McDonald's Meal Deal per rerun.
Naples, NY, near Rochester, is being plagued by swarms of house flies apparently attracted by 200 tons of manure spread on a farmer's field. Either that or too many people tuned in Howard Stern at the same time.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Emperor Nero who once ran an ad in the personals that said "Love long walks on the beach followed by fiddling before an open fire."
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
PREFACE
I first laid eyes on Bob Hope in person when I was seventeen. He came to my hometown, San Francisco, in 1954 to promote his recently published book, “Have Tux, Will Travel.” A friend and I rode the streetcar from the fog-enshrouded Parkside District where we lived, through the Twin Peaks Tunnel, past the soon-to-be-infamous Castro District to Market Street.
Within sight of the Bay and just a few blocks from the Ferry Building, one of the city’s largest department stores, The Emporium, stood grandly in the heart of downtown. As we waited in the midst of the small crowd of expectant celebrity watchers that had gathered along the curb, our hearts beat like trip hammers — we were about to meet our first movie star!
Since I had held the undisputed title of class clown at St. Gabriel Grammar School, it was no surprise that, just before I left the house, I grabbed a paperback copy of Bing Crosby’s autobiography, “Call Me Lucky.” I couldn’t wait to see Hope’s reaction when I asked him to autograph it instead of his own book.
Soon, a black stretch limo glided up to the store’s ornate entrance and out stepped the instantly-recognizable, matinee-idol-handsome, 52-year-old Hope. As everyone in the crowd applauded, whistled or cheered, he quickly combed back a still-generous shock of brown hair that had been suddenly rearranged by a gust from the Bay. “Where am I? Chicago?” Laughter joined the sound of passing traffic. He was funny in real life, too!
As the star made his way through a path across the sidewalk that had parted for him like the Red Sea, we dutifully followed him to the book department. A special author’s table had been set up on a riser with stacks of “Have Tux” strategically stacked nearby. A queue quickly formed and I got into it, my copy of Bing’s book clutched securely for action.
Hope began signing, and, as he asked each person’s name, would add a little joke or comment — “O’Callahan. Jewish, huh?” — an accommodation that slowed the process, but one that presaged something in his nature that, years later, I would observe time and again: whenever he had the chance, he made fans and supporters feel that they were somehow special. It was the mark of a consummate salesman which, I would someday learn, he was.
I reached the head of the line and said, “Hi, Bob.” He nodded. Then, in that smart-alecky way only teens can handle just right, I said, “I can’t afford your book, but will this do?” He looked at the dog-eared paperback, held it up for the others in line to see — it had a picture of Bing with his pipe on the front — and tossed it straight up, where it hovered momentarily at mezzanine level and then fluttered to the floor like a wounded pheasant, landing beside a Hoover upright on sale in the adjoining housewares department.
The crowd reacted just as I thought they would. My visual gag produced a spontaneous, genuine laugh. I had created my first comic routine for Bob Hope! I had no way of knowing then, of course, that some two decades later, he’d hire me to write thousands of them. There would be a few detours during my journey, but for a brief, fleeting moment I was in show business — and I liked it.
Next week: I'm Commissioned a Lieutenant in "Hope's Army"
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
THURSDAY, July 15, 2010
A group of Christian demonstrators protested the proposed building of a Muslim mosque near New York’s Ground Zero -- the same group that turned out last spring when an Iranian cleric applied for permission to stone an adulteress at Rockaway Beach.
A woman in Bishop, Texas won four separate lottery drawings for a grand total of $21 million, defying odds estimated to be one in 18,000,000,000,000,000,000 -- in layman’s terms about the same odds of Mel Gibson being named “Humanitarian of the Year” by the N.A.A.C.P.
A recent survey of worldwide communication systems concluded that there are now over 5 billion cell phones in use -- 14.6% of which have been used by Naomi Campbell as a missile to discipline a domestic.
Census Department data shows that obesity is most common in the state of Mississippi and rare in Colorado. No surprise here. The only Colonel Sanders in the Rocky Mountain state is a former Green Beret working as a ski instructor in Aspen.
As the City of Los Angeles proclaimed “Pat Boone Day” to celebrate the career of the 1960s teen icon, his signature white buck shoes were put on permanent display at the Dr. Scholl Footwear Museum in Cleveland.
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
At his home in Toluca Lake, Hope had a display-room in the gate house where we sometimes met with him. In the display-room were glass cases chock full of memorabilia — dancing shoes that had belonged to vaudevillian Eddie Foy whom Hope had played in “The Seven Little Foys“; the NBC microphone he had used on radio covered by a sheepskin sheath;the oversized cowboy hat he’d worn in The Paleface; a vial of crude oil from the well in which he and Bing had invested; a silver money clip autographed by Richard Nixon; golf scorecards signed by opponents such as Dwight Eisenhower, Sam Snead and Ben Hogan; ID cards he’d been issued by the Defense Department to tour the war zones; honorary Academy Award statuettes; Peoples Choice Awards; and myriad plaques, engraved cups and commemorative plates.
But the most interesting items were souvenirs that he’d been given by Allied forces at the end of World War II — personal property confiscated from captured Nazis that included an S.S. officer’s ring with a skull-and-crossbones; a Nazi general’s dress uniform hat; ID cards, insignia and medals taken from members of the Gestapo; daggers with markings of the Third Reich and assorted machine guns, rifles and Lugers. He even had stationery used by Hitler and his staff with a swastika embossed at the top. (which he’d sometimes hand out to guests as souvenirs).
But Hope kept the most valuable Nazi artifact in a walk-in vault off the secretaries’ room where filing-cabinets filled with jokes and scripts dating back to radio were stored. It was a solid-gold liquor decanter caddy about the size of a small mailbox — with remnants of brandy, vodka and scotch still in the bottles — an ornate jeweled handle and hooks on which hung small glasses embossed in gold leaf. The story was that the caddy had been discovered in Hitler’s bunker seconds after Allied troops overran it. Two glasses were beside the decanter, partially filled as though they had been used just before the Nazi officers escaped.
As impressive as the decanter was, it wasn’t Hope’s favorite wartime gift from the military. That honor went to a faded, black-and-white photograph that he kept under lock- and-key and brought out proudly for any guest getting a personal tour of the display room. It was a picture of General George Patton using the Rhine as a urinal.
Tomorrow: The first time I met Bob Hope
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
A woman in Bishop, Texas won four separate lottery drawings for a grand total of $21 million, defying odds estimated to be one in 18,000,000,000,000,000,000 -- in layman’s terms about the same odds of Mel Gibson being named “Humanitarian of the Year” by the N.A.A.C.P.
A recent survey of worldwide communication systems concluded that there are now over 5 billion cell phones in use -- 14.6% of which have been used by Naomi Campbell as a missile to discipline a domestic.
Census Department data shows that obesity is most common in the state of Mississippi and rare in Colorado. No surprise here. The only Colonel Sanders in the Rocky Mountain state is a former Green Beret working as a ski instructor in Aspen.
As the City of Los Angeles proclaimed “Pat Boone Day” to celebrate the career of the 1960s teen icon, his signature white buck shoes were put on permanent display at the Dr. Scholl Footwear Museum in Cleveland.
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
At his home in Toluca Lake, Hope had a display-room in the gate house where we sometimes met with him. In the display-room were glass cases chock full of memorabilia — dancing shoes that had belonged to vaudevillian Eddie Foy whom Hope had played in “The Seven Little Foys“; the NBC microphone he had used on radio covered by a sheepskin sheath;the oversized cowboy hat he’d worn in The Paleface; a vial of crude oil from the well in which he and Bing had invested; a silver money clip autographed by Richard Nixon; golf scorecards signed by opponents such as Dwight Eisenhower, Sam Snead and Ben Hogan; ID cards he’d been issued by the Defense Department to tour the war zones; honorary Academy Award statuettes; Peoples Choice Awards; and myriad plaques, engraved cups and commemorative plates.
But the most interesting items were souvenirs that he’d been given by Allied forces at the end of World War II — personal property confiscated from captured Nazis that included an S.S. officer’s ring with a skull-and-crossbones; a Nazi general’s dress uniform hat; ID cards, insignia and medals taken from members of the Gestapo; daggers with markings of the Third Reich and assorted machine guns, rifles and Lugers. He even had stationery used by Hitler and his staff with a swastika embossed at the top. (which he’d sometimes hand out to guests as souvenirs).
But Hope kept the most valuable Nazi artifact in a walk-in vault off the secretaries’ room where filing-cabinets filled with jokes and scripts dating back to radio were stored. It was a solid-gold liquor decanter caddy about the size of a small mailbox — with remnants of brandy, vodka and scotch still in the bottles — an ornate jeweled handle and hooks on which hung small glasses embossed in gold leaf. The story was that the caddy had been discovered in Hitler’s bunker seconds after Allied troops overran it. Two glasses were beside the decanter, partially filled as though they had been used just before the Nazi officers escaped.
As impressive as the decanter was, it wasn’t Hope’s favorite wartime gift from the military. That honor went to a faded, black-and-white photograph that he kept under lock- and-key and brought out proudly for any guest getting a personal tour of the display room. It was a picture of General George Patton using the Rhine as a urinal.
Tomorrow: The first time I met Bob Hope
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
WEDNESDAY, July 14, 2010
Swiss authorities rejected a request from L.A.’s District Attorney to extradite Roman Polanski to face child sex abuse charges in California. The Swiss provide body guards for the pope who reportedly told them “Hey, it’s not like he committed a crime or anything…”
A World Court judge ordered supermodel Naomi Campbell to testify in the war crimes trial of former Liberian President Charles Taylor. Her attorney informed the court that his client had no objection to appearing as long as she could be sworn in on a copy of Women’s Wear Daily.
“Despicable Me” opened strongly over the weekend, outperforming “Toy Story 3” and “Knight and Day.” It had an advantage, though -- most ticket-buyers thought it was the life story of PB’s CEO, Tony Hayward.
Health authorities in Scotland report that 97% of the population are guilty of either chain-smoking, and/or habitual drunkenness, and/or lack of exercise -- and, if you count Mel Gibson, “rampant racism.”
Doctors at George Washington University Hospital are experimenting with a text messaging system designed to communicate health care directives to their younger patients. So far, the most effective advice seems to be “tke 2 asprnz n cl me n th mrn.”
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
Like the comedy relief pitchers we were trained to be, Gene and I sprung into action. While Air Force One winged toward Pope, we’d bang out a page of dialogue for the two old veterans of the silver screen. After Hope okayed it, we’d call Reagan back so his secretary could type it up for him to memorize.
While Gene and I tapped away, the Secret Service was conferring with Lipton and co-producer Elliott Kozak. Reagan’s Boeing 707 would land and taxi directly to the stage. Within an hour, scores of agents descended on the area like a swarm of armed locusts in dark suits. Some of the same German shepherds that had “sanitized” Grand Rapids six years earlier sniffed their way through our production equipment.
Metal detectors suddenly sprouted up everywhere to ensure that there would be no gate crashers. We were all instructed that once the president’s plane touched down, we weren’t to wander from our assigned areas under threat of sudden death by Uzi.
Here’s how it all works. On any major flight, Air Force One is accompanied by an identical “decoy” plane carrying several hundred uniformed and plainclothes agents. Additionally, an unmarked C-130 troop carrier containing the bullet-proof presidential limo and specially armed escort vehicles complete the flotilla.
As soon as the decision to detour to Pope had been made, these escort planes flew ahead to complete the last minute security arrangements which (in this case) must have been nerve wracking. Reagan had already been the target of a would-be assassin, and they weren’t looking for a sequel.
As expected, the audience, having no inkling of the unscheduled stopover, literally erupted when the Gipper strode down that boarding ramp. He greeted Hope warmly, and the two old troupers did their one minute exchange. Total elapsed time from touchdown to departure was exactly thirty minutes as promised. Exciting stuff, to be sure, all made possible because Hope could dial a president’s number and know there would be one at the other end.
Tomorrow: Hope the Pack Rat
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
A World Court judge ordered supermodel Naomi Campbell to testify in the war crimes trial of former Liberian President Charles Taylor. Her attorney informed the court that his client had no objection to appearing as long as she could be sworn in on a copy of Women’s Wear Daily.
“Despicable Me” opened strongly over the weekend, outperforming “Toy Story 3” and “Knight and Day.” It had an advantage, though -- most ticket-buyers thought it was the life story of PB’s CEO, Tony Hayward.
Health authorities in Scotland report that 97% of the population are guilty of either chain-smoking, and/or habitual drunkenness, and/or lack of exercise -- and, if you count Mel Gibson, “rampant racism.”
Doctors at George Washington University Hospital are experimenting with a text messaging system designed to communicate health care directives to their younger patients. So far, the most effective advice seems to be “tke 2 asprnz n cl me n th mrn.”
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
Like the comedy relief pitchers we were trained to be, Gene and I sprung into action. While Air Force One winged toward Pope, we’d bang out a page of dialogue for the two old veterans of the silver screen. After Hope okayed it, we’d call Reagan back so his secretary could type it up for him to memorize.
While Gene and I tapped away, the Secret Service was conferring with Lipton and co-producer Elliott Kozak. Reagan’s Boeing 707 would land and taxi directly to the stage. Within an hour, scores of agents descended on the area like a swarm of armed locusts in dark suits. Some of the same German shepherds that had “sanitized” Grand Rapids six years earlier sniffed their way through our production equipment.
Metal detectors suddenly sprouted up everywhere to ensure that there would be no gate crashers. We were all instructed that once the president’s plane touched down, we weren’t to wander from our assigned areas under threat of sudden death by Uzi.
Here’s how it all works. On any major flight, Air Force One is accompanied by an identical “decoy” plane carrying several hundred uniformed and plainclothes agents. Additionally, an unmarked C-130 troop carrier containing the bullet-proof presidential limo and specially armed escort vehicles complete the flotilla.
As soon as the decision to detour to Pope had been made, these escort planes flew ahead to complete the last minute security arrangements which (in this case) must have been nerve wracking. Reagan had already been the target of a would-be assassin, and they weren’t looking for a sequel.
As expected, the audience, having no inkling of the unscheduled stopover, literally erupted when the Gipper strode down that boarding ramp. He greeted Hope warmly, and the two old troupers did their one minute exchange. Total elapsed time from touchdown to departure was exactly thirty minutes as promised. Exciting stuff, to be sure, all made possible because Hope could dial a president’s number and know there would be one at the other end.
Tomorrow: Hope the Pack Rat
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
TUESDAY, July 13, 2010
To honor Ringo Starr’s 70th birthday, Arista Records will soon release a new album of lesser-known Beatles songs including “Lucy in the Sky With Diverticulitis,” “All You Need is Levitra,” “Here Comes the Sun City Tour Bus,” “Prune Fields Forever,” “Eleanor Roosevelt” and “Hello, Goodbye, Rest in Peace.”
Attempting to repair their tattered safety record, Toyota has launched a new campaign promising that all new models will offer features that “reflect a greater emphasis on internal design engineering” as well as a parachute folded under the trunk that will deploy when the brakes fail.
Lindsay Lohan hasn’t even reported to the L.A. County Jail to serve her 90-day sentence and already, detractors are claiming she’s being given special treatment -- just because word leaked out that she’ll be assigned to the Charlie Sheen Cell Block in the Robert Downey, Jr. Wing.
Right-to-Life organizations worldwide were shocked by a recent study showing the majority of euthanasia cases in Belgium last year were carried out by nurses -- and that in several instances, patients checking in wrote “drip” just to indicate how they preferred their coffee brewed.
For the third consecutive year, the Vatican’s books show $5.2 million in financial losses. On the plus side, the pope was able to avoid paying income taxes thanks to a bible inspired accounting system papal accountants refer to as “double-entry Good Book keeping.”
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
PARTY FAVOR
Hope would meet us at Pope after flying in from a personal-appearance tour on the eastern-seaboard. Our guest stars, Glen Campbell, Barbara Mandrell, Don Johnson, Emanuel Lewis, Brooke Shields and Phylicia Rashad, were waiting to go to work. Over the next several days, we rehearsed the show that would be taped before a crowd of four thousand servicemen and their families — as well as soldiers from nearby Ft. Bragg.
The monologue would be taped with the latest military hardware in the background to remind the viewers at home just how the Defense Department was spending their taxes — payback for their picking-up a good portion of the production costs. The logistics of staging a show like this one were complicated, but things had progressed smoothly and tape was ready to roll. Hope had read in the local paper that morning that Reagan was flying back to Washington after delivering the commencement address at the University of Georgia.
He said to producer Jim Lipton, “Call the White House. Maybe we can get Ronnie to pop over and appear on our show.” Jim gulped hard. “Nice idea, but, gee, Bob, every segment is locked in and we start seating the audience in two hours.” Hope was not deterred. “We can always find an extra five minutes somewhere. Call.”
Hope was well aware of the impact a presidential visit would have on Pope and the infantry outfits. Lipton called the personal number that Hope gave him and was soon patched through to Air Force One, already airborne. The call was switched to the Winnebago in the main hanger that had been provided for Hope as a dressing room. As Gene Perret and I sat on the fold-down couch across from him, the following conversation took place:
“Ron? Bob. Hey, we’re doing a little birthday thing here at Pope Air Force Base and — Pope — it’s in North Carolina. We thought you might take a quick left turn and drop in. Be great, you know. I’ll have the boys bang out something we can do together. The whole thing shouldn’t take more than a half hour, tops.” There was a long pause as Hope listened to the most powerful leader in the free-world confer with his aides. Then he covered the receiver with his hand and mouthed the words: “He’ll do it.”
Tomorrow: If We Knew He Was Comin‘…
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
_______________________
Attempting to repair their tattered safety record, Toyota has launched a new campaign promising that all new models will offer features that “reflect a greater emphasis on internal design engineering” as well as a parachute folded under the trunk that will deploy when the brakes fail.
Lindsay Lohan hasn’t even reported to the L.A. County Jail to serve her 90-day sentence and already, detractors are claiming she’s being given special treatment -- just because word leaked out that she’ll be assigned to the Charlie Sheen Cell Block in the Robert Downey, Jr. Wing.
Right-to-Life organizations worldwide were shocked by a recent study showing the majority of euthanasia cases in Belgium last year were carried out by nurses -- and that in several instances, patients checking in wrote “drip” just to indicate how they preferred their coffee brewed.
For the third consecutive year, the Vatican’s books show $5.2 million in financial losses. On the plus side, the pope was able to avoid paying income taxes thanks to a bible inspired accounting system papal accountants refer to as “double-entry Good Book keeping.”
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
PARTY FAVOR
Hope would meet us at Pope after flying in from a personal-appearance tour on the eastern-seaboard. Our guest stars, Glen Campbell, Barbara Mandrell, Don Johnson, Emanuel Lewis, Brooke Shields and Phylicia Rashad, were waiting to go to work. Over the next several days, we rehearsed the show that would be taped before a crowd of four thousand servicemen and their families — as well as soldiers from nearby Ft. Bragg.
The monologue would be taped with the latest military hardware in the background to remind the viewers at home just how the Defense Department was spending their taxes — payback for their picking-up a good portion of the production costs. The logistics of staging a show like this one were complicated, but things had progressed smoothly and tape was ready to roll. Hope had read in the local paper that morning that Reagan was flying back to Washington after delivering the commencement address at the University of Georgia.
He said to producer Jim Lipton, “Call the White House. Maybe we can get Ronnie to pop over and appear on our show.” Jim gulped hard. “Nice idea, but, gee, Bob, every segment is locked in and we start seating the audience in two hours.” Hope was not deterred. “We can always find an extra five minutes somewhere. Call.”
Hope was well aware of the impact a presidential visit would have on Pope and the infantry outfits. Lipton called the personal number that Hope gave him and was soon patched through to Air Force One, already airborne. The call was switched to the Winnebago in the main hanger that had been provided for Hope as a dressing room. As Gene Perret and I sat on the fold-down couch across from him, the following conversation took place:
“Ron? Bob. Hey, we’re doing a little birthday thing here at Pope Air Force Base and — Pope — it’s in North Carolina. We thought you might take a quick left turn and drop in. Be great, you know. I’ll have the boys bang out something we can do together. The whole thing shouldn’t take more than a half hour, tops.” There was a long pause as Hope listened to the most powerful leader in the free-world confer with his aides. Then he covered the receiver with his hand and mouthed the words: “He’ll do it.”
Tomorrow: If We Knew He Was Comin‘…
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
_______________________
MONDAY, July 12, 2010
In a taped telephone call, Mel Gibson unleashed a racist, hate-filled rant against his estranged girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. A YouTube version has surfaced in which he’s seen mooning her dressed in a kilt.
It turns out that the Russian-American spy swap in Vienna almost didn’t come off as planned. At the last minute, the Russians threatened to walk away unless the U.S. threw in Yakov Smirnoff.
A treasure hunter using a metal detector on a English countryside unearthed thousands of Roman coins which archeologists are calling the most compelling evidence yet that the original Caesar’s Palace had slot machines.
Delhi, India’s new $3 billion international airport features 95 airline counters on sixty-three levels serving 400 departure-arrival gates. It’s so efficient, the air traffic controllers fill their time between flights providing tech support for Microsoft.
Sky Chefs, Inc., which prepares in-flight meals for the major airlines, faces stiff fines for maintaining facilities contaminated with bacteria. Investigators became suspicious when they noticed “Truffles and Smoked Norwegian Salmonella” offered in First Class on Delta.
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
AIR PENTAGON
Throughout his career, Hope’s friendships with high-ranking politicians paid tremendous dividends. Whenever he visited the capital, the red carpet was promptly unrolled. He was beeper-friendly with government officials from congressmen to press aides to Pentagon generals, and for Reagan’s two terms, he was only a phone call away from the Oval Office.
In May 1987, the Hope Squadron was airlifted to Pope Air Force base in Fayetteville, North Carolina aboard the personal plane of Gen. Dwayne Cassidy, the chief of the Air Force’s Military Airlift Command. We would tape a 90-minute special there celebrating both Hope’s eighty-fifth birthday and the seventy-fifth anniversary of the outfit that had transported him from base-to-base during his overseas Christmas tours.
Also on board sharing the general’s special VIP quarters that included a kitchen (complete with chef ) were Dolores Hope, Lucille Ball and her husband Gary Morton and the Hopes’ toy poodle, “Toby.” The pampered pooch was seldom left at home whenever the Hopes traveled. Since Hope believed that spaying constituted cruel-and-unusual punishment, the catered-to canine had left his distinctive scent on some of the most expensive hotel suite curtains in the world — including his favorites in New York’s posh Waldorf Towers.
The first inkling I had that there might be trouble on our flight to Pope came as I was returning from the galley after breakfast to catch a nap in the passenger seats they had set up for us in the rear of the plane, further from the engines and a little quieter. I passed a bird colonel standing at the bottom of a seven-foot ladder with a large maintenance manual open on the ladder’s shelf. He was studying it intently while handing tools to someone who, from about chest-high, was invisible. He reached for another tool and I could see stripes — he was a tech sergeant!
Colonels don’t ordinarily follow a sergeant’s orders. I went to find Jim Lipton, an experienced pilot himself, to see what I could find out. “Don’t tell anyone else,” he whispered, as much as one can whisper on a Starlifter in flight. “The pilot may not be able to lower the flaps all the way when we land. They think it’s a hydraulic problem, and they’re trying to find the leak.” I said, I thought rather calmly under the circumstances, “Can we land without the flaps?”
We could, but, since the flaps slow the plane, it would require a longer air field — about 250 more feet than Pope has. And foam — lots of foam. We were still about an hour-and-a-half from touchdown. Plenty of time to isolate that leak, right? No one else seemed to notice the little drama I had spotted immediately. Writers are just more observant, I guess. Sometimes, it’s a curse.
After a nail-biting fifteen minutes, the sergeant smiled, replaced the sound-baffling panel he had removed to access the hydraulic lines, and climbed down the ladder. I think I saw the colonel salute him. We would land with the flaps fully extended after all. And that, my friends, was the closest we came to real trouble — as far as I was ever aware — during the thousands of miles I flew with the Hope show. Pretty remarkable, no?
Tomorrow: Reagan drops in
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
_______________________
It turns out that the Russian-American spy swap in Vienna almost didn’t come off as planned. At the last minute, the Russians threatened to walk away unless the U.S. threw in Yakov Smirnoff.
A treasure hunter using a metal detector on a English countryside unearthed thousands of Roman coins which archeologists are calling the most compelling evidence yet that the original Caesar’s Palace had slot machines.
Delhi, India’s new $3 billion international airport features 95 airline counters on sixty-three levels serving 400 departure-arrival gates. It’s so efficient, the air traffic controllers fill their time between flights providing tech support for Microsoft.
Sky Chefs, Inc., which prepares in-flight meals for the major airlines, faces stiff fines for maintaining facilities contaminated with bacteria. Investigators became suspicious when they noticed “Truffles and Smoked Norwegian Salmonella” offered in First Class on Delta.
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS
AIR PENTAGON
Throughout his career, Hope’s friendships with high-ranking politicians paid tremendous dividends. Whenever he visited the capital, the red carpet was promptly unrolled. He was beeper-friendly with government officials from congressmen to press aides to Pentagon generals, and for Reagan’s two terms, he was only a phone call away from the Oval Office.
In May 1987, the Hope Squadron was airlifted to Pope Air Force base in Fayetteville, North Carolina aboard the personal plane of Gen. Dwayne Cassidy, the chief of the Air Force’s Military Airlift Command. We would tape a 90-minute special there celebrating both Hope’s eighty-fifth birthday and the seventy-fifth anniversary of the outfit that had transported him from base-to-base during his overseas Christmas tours.
Also on board sharing the general’s special VIP quarters that included a kitchen (complete with chef ) were Dolores Hope, Lucille Ball and her husband Gary Morton and the Hopes’ toy poodle, “Toby.” The pampered pooch was seldom left at home whenever the Hopes traveled. Since Hope believed that spaying constituted cruel-and-unusual punishment, the catered-to canine had left his distinctive scent on some of the most expensive hotel suite curtains in the world — including his favorites in New York’s posh Waldorf Towers.
The first inkling I had that there might be trouble on our flight to Pope came as I was returning from the galley after breakfast to catch a nap in the passenger seats they had set up for us in the rear of the plane, further from the engines and a little quieter. I passed a bird colonel standing at the bottom of a seven-foot ladder with a large maintenance manual open on the ladder’s shelf. He was studying it intently while handing tools to someone who, from about chest-high, was invisible. He reached for another tool and I could see stripes — he was a tech sergeant!
Colonels don’t ordinarily follow a sergeant’s orders. I went to find Jim Lipton, an experienced pilot himself, to see what I could find out. “Don’t tell anyone else,” he whispered, as much as one can whisper on a Starlifter in flight. “The pilot may not be able to lower the flaps all the way when we land. They think it’s a hydraulic problem, and they’re trying to find the leak.” I said, I thought rather calmly under the circumstances, “Can we land without the flaps?”
We could, but, since the flaps slow the plane, it would require a longer air field — about 250 more feet than Pope has. And foam — lots of foam. We were still about an hour-and-a-half from touchdown. Plenty of time to isolate that leak, right? No one else seemed to notice the little drama I had spotted immediately. Writers are just more observant, I guess. Sometimes, it’s a curse.
After a nail-biting fifteen minutes, the sergeant smiled, replaced the sound-baffling panel he had removed to access the hydraulic lines, and climbed down the ladder. I think I saw the colonel salute him. We would land with the flaps fully extended after all. And that, my friends, was the closest we came to real trouble — as far as I was ever aware — during the thousands of miles I flew with the Hope show. Pretty remarkable, no?
Tomorrow: Reagan drops in
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
_______________________
FRI, SAT, SUN, July 9, 10, 11
LAFFS From The PAST (From our issue dated July, 10, 2000)
Following a record voter turnout, former Coca-Cola executive Vicente Fox has been elected the new president of Mexico. When asked for his reaction, George Bush said he wishes him luck and loved him in “Back to the Future."
A thermal invasion from the Sahara Desert is breaking centuries-old heat records in Europe, scorching Turkey, Bulgaria, Greece, Romania and Italy. Vatican priests are baptizing kids by dipping them in crushed ice.
Michelle Wei, 10, who could drive a golf ball 100 yards at age 5, is the youngest player ever to compete in the USGA's Amateur Public Links Championship. At that age, the 19th hole is a medium pepperoni and small soda at Chucky Cheese.
Doctors at the Harvard Medical School have successfully regenerated dead or nonexistent brain cells in lab mice and believe they could do the same for humans. The next step in the research could be touchy -- trying to convince
Dan Quayle to be tested.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Marie Antoinette who really said of the peasants threatening to revolt, "Let 'em carbo load."
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
We were allowed to shop during our visit but — officially — only at government-sponsored retail outlets for tourists called “Freedom Stores.” Here the prices were set and clearly marked. No dickering. Even so, they were reasonable, and I brought home three good-quality wool rugs which still serve admirably.
Longing for a little more adventure, one afternoon Don, Gig and I slipped away from our guide for a couple of hours. In a narrow alley about a mile from the hotel, we discovered a small antique shop, obviously not intended for tourists. The musty interior was piled high with artifacts from estate-sales — rugs, furniture, household utensils, silverware, paintings, photos, lamps, vases, family stamps called chops made of marble or ivory and decorated with dragons, lions, monkeys and other characters from China’s ancient mythology.
More items made of ivory — chopsticks, statuary, and finely-carved jewelry. Up a narrow flight of stairs was the clothing — kimonos, men’s suits, jackets, caps, sandals, shoes — all in a pile that said it hadn’t been disturbed in years. Hanging on one wall of the dimly lit mezzanine, almost unnoticed, were old costumes retired from the Peking Opera — multicolored capes, pantaloons, garments weighted down with gold embroidery. Here was a treasure trove that foreigners weren’t supposed to find! We felt like Sydney Greenstreet stumbling upon the Maltese Falcon. We made a few purchases and headed back to the hotel.
That night over dinner, we mentioned our find to Mikhail Baryshnikov — Mischa to his friends, thank you — and he went giddy with excitement. Peking Opera costumes? Authentic ones? Immediately. We had to draw him a detailed map so he could check them out next day. A few days later, Mischa’s manager asked me if I’d be willing to lend his client some money. He had run out of cash and he had arranged to buy five of the costumes for around $300 apiece. I said, “Like I’m gonna lend money to a Russian defector who’s in show business? This is a joke, right?” Actually, I had about tapped out too, but suggested he ask our production cashier, Wil Oborn — we were issued a daily per diem in yuan — for an advance. I’m told the five priceless costumes are now on display in his Manhattan brownstone.
Next week: Trouble at 30,000 feet?
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
Following a record voter turnout, former Coca-Cola executive Vicente Fox has been elected the new president of Mexico. When asked for his reaction, George Bush said he wishes him luck and loved him in “Back to the Future."
A thermal invasion from the Sahara Desert is breaking centuries-old heat records in Europe, scorching Turkey, Bulgaria, Greece, Romania and Italy. Vatican priests are baptizing kids by dipping them in crushed ice.
Michelle Wei, 10, who could drive a golf ball 100 yards at age 5, is the youngest player ever to compete in the USGA's Amateur Public Links Championship. At that age, the 19th hole is a medium pepperoni and small soda at Chucky Cheese.
Doctors at the Harvard Medical School have successfully regenerated dead or nonexistent brain cells in lab mice and believe they could do the same for humans. The next step in the research could be touchy -- trying to convince
Dan Quayle to be tested.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Marie Antoinette who really said of the peasants threatening to revolt, "Let 'em carbo load."
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
We were allowed to shop during our visit but — officially — only at government-sponsored retail outlets for tourists called “Freedom Stores.” Here the prices were set and clearly marked. No dickering. Even so, they were reasonable, and I brought home three good-quality wool rugs which still serve admirably.
Longing for a little more adventure, one afternoon Don, Gig and I slipped away from our guide for a couple of hours. In a narrow alley about a mile from the hotel, we discovered a small antique shop, obviously not intended for tourists. The musty interior was piled high with artifacts from estate-sales — rugs, furniture, household utensils, silverware, paintings, photos, lamps, vases, family stamps called chops made of marble or ivory and decorated with dragons, lions, monkeys and other characters from China’s ancient mythology.
More items made of ivory — chopsticks, statuary, and finely-carved jewelry. Up a narrow flight of stairs was the clothing — kimonos, men’s suits, jackets, caps, sandals, shoes — all in a pile that said it hadn’t been disturbed in years. Hanging on one wall of the dimly lit mezzanine, almost unnoticed, were old costumes retired from the Peking Opera — multicolored capes, pantaloons, garments weighted down with gold embroidery. Here was a treasure trove that foreigners weren’t supposed to find! We felt like Sydney Greenstreet stumbling upon the Maltese Falcon. We made a few purchases and headed back to the hotel.
That night over dinner, we mentioned our find to Mikhail Baryshnikov — Mischa to his friends, thank you — and he went giddy with excitement. Peking Opera costumes? Authentic ones? Immediately. We had to draw him a detailed map so he could check them out next day. A few days later, Mischa’s manager asked me if I’d be willing to lend his client some money. He had run out of cash and he had arranged to buy five of the costumes for around $300 apiece. I said, “Like I’m gonna lend money to a Russian defector who’s in show business? This is a joke, right?” Actually, I had about tapped out too, but suggested he ask our production cashier, Wil Oborn — we were issued a daily per diem in yuan — for an advance. I’m told the five priceless costumes are now on display in his Manhattan brownstone.
Next week: Trouble at 30,000 feet?
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
THURSDAY, July 8, 2010
There was some confusion during Queen Elizabeth’s historic visit to the UN as to whether curtsying would be required. But all was well after Hillary Clinton notified the British embassy that she didn’t care whether the queen curtsied or not.
The Kremlin has signaled the F.B.I. that they would be willing to swap American spies serving sentences in Russian prisons for the ten Russian spy suspects arrested in Virginia and New York. Not to be outdone, Sweden has offered to toss in Roman Polanski for Ann-Margret.
According to a study conducted by Morgan Chase, the nations with the friendliest banks are China, Russia and India. Small problem with Chinese banks, though -- you can’t withdraw your money until you promise not to spent it in Taiwan.
A 15-year-old girl in St. Paul, Minnesota was charged with shoplifting forty-four pairs of panties from a local K-Mart. She was sentenced to one year’s probation and ordered to take remedial math after she told the judge she wanted a different pair for each day of the month.
According to a study commissioned by the Department of Agriculture, it now costs parents in the U.S. $475,000 to raise one child. And that’s just the bill for college -- housing, clothing and food are extra.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
CARD TRICKS
On every overseas trip, Barney McNulty, a naval history buff, would check out the local maritime museums. During our week’s stay in Shanghai, he struck a mother-lode and was spending much of his free time exploring the museum he found in that ancient seaport upon which the British had so thoroughly stamped their influence. As would happen occasionally, on one foray, he lost the concept of time’s unceasing march and was nowhere to be found when Hope and Mikhail Baryshnikov arrived for a scheduled run-through.
Without the cue cards, they were helpless and, as the minutes ticked on, Hope became more and more annoyed. He was slow to anger, but cross the line and he could make the offending party wish he or she had stayed in bed or
even out of show business — witness his dressing down Tony Randall in Chapter 2. Since Barney’s tardiness was not that unusual, when it did happen, we’d all pitch in to protect him, making sure we’d catch him before Hope did to warn him.
Finally, Barney strolled into the hotel — forty-five minutes late — and we were able to alert him that he’d better have a solid story ready. He did and immediately began pleading his case — he’d never seen so many books on the British Navy, he was so fascinated by the ship models that lined the museum’s walls, he was transported to another place, another time — a place where cue cards weren’t on the top of one’s list. It was a gallant effort, but Hope was all over him like Simon Cowell on a tone-deaf American Idol contestant.
“This is it, Barney — the last straw! You’ve gone too far this time. I’ve let it slide in the past, but now it’s too late. You’re through. Done. I can’t rely on you, and you’re no longer of any use to me.” Barney looked genuinely crestfallen. “Sorry, boss...” It was an apology that was all too familiar. We’d heard it before. As Barney slowly turned to leave. Hope said, “Where are you going now?” “To find a Chinese guy who can print in English.” “Okay, as soon as we land in Burbank...”
Barney had a unique relationship with Hope because he was, while holding the cards, always up front and visible, vulnerable — the ideal flack-catching position if anything went wrong. Worse, he was almost in the audience. He was like an all-too-convenient whipping boy. But there was a special bond between the two men that you could feel just watching them together. Maybe part of it was due to an incident that happened in Vietnam toward the end of the war.
A secret itinerary for a USO Christmas special had fallen into the hands of the Viet Cong who scored a direct hit on the suite Hope was supposed to be occupying at the Brinks Hotel in Saigon. The room, and several to either side of it, was completely destroyed, and the only reason Hope wasn’t in it was because Barn had failed to show up for a rehearsal.
Barney had saved Hope’s life and the memory of that close call was never far from their minds.
Tomorrow: Shopping in 1979 China
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
The Kremlin has signaled the F.B.I. that they would be willing to swap American spies serving sentences in Russian prisons for the ten Russian spy suspects arrested in Virginia and New York. Not to be outdone, Sweden has offered to toss in Roman Polanski for Ann-Margret.
According to a study conducted by Morgan Chase, the nations with the friendliest banks are China, Russia and India. Small problem with Chinese banks, though -- you can’t withdraw your money until you promise not to spent it in Taiwan.
A 15-year-old girl in St. Paul, Minnesota was charged with shoplifting forty-four pairs of panties from a local K-Mart. She was sentenced to one year’s probation and ordered to take remedial math after she told the judge she wanted a different pair for each day of the month.
According to a study commissioned by the Department of Agriculture, it now costs parents in the U.S. $475,000 to raise one child. And that’s just the bill for college -- housing, clothing and food are extra.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
CARD TRICKS
On every overseas trip, Barney McNulty, a naval history buff, would check out the local maritime museums. During our week’s stay in Shanghai, he struck a mother-lode and was spending much of his free time exploring the museum he found in that ancient seaport upon which the British had so thoroughly stamped their influence. As would happen occasionally, on one foray, he lost the concept of time’s unceasing march and was nowhere to be found when Hope and Mikhail Baryshnikov arrived for a scheduled run-through.
Without the cue cards, they were helpless and, as the minutes ticked on, Hope became more and more annoyed. He was slow to anger, but cross the line and he could make the offending party wish he or she had stayed in bed or
even out of show business — witness his dressing down Tony Randall in Chapter 2. Since Barney’s tardiness was not that unusual, when it did happen, we’d all pitch in to protect him, making sure we’d catch him before Hope did to warn him.
Finally, Barney strolled into the hotel — forty-five minutes late — and we were able to alert him that he’d better have a solid story ready. He did and immediately began pleading his case — he’d never seen so many books on the British Navy, he was so fascinated by the ship models that lined the museum’s walls, he was transported to another place, another time — a place where cue cards weren’t on the top of one’s list. It was a gallant effort, but Hope was all over him like Simon Cowell on a tone-deaf American Idol contestant.
“This is it, Barney — the last straw! You’ve gone too far this time. I’ve let it slide in the past, but now it’s too late. You’re through. Done. I can’t rely on you, and you’re no longer of any use to me.” Barney looked genuinely crestfallen. “Sorry, boss...” It was an apology that was all too familiar. We’d heard it before. As Barney slowly turned to leave. Hope said, “Where are you going now?” “To find a Chinese guy who can print in English.” “Okay, as soon as we land in Burbank...”
Barney had a unique relationship with Hope because he was, while holding the cards, always up front and visible, vulnerable — the ideal flack-catching position if anything went wrong. Worse, he was almost in the audience. He was like an all-too-convenient whipping boy. But there was a special bond between the two men that you could feel just watching them together. Maybe part of it was due to an incident that happened in Vietnam toward the end of the war.
A secret itinerary for a USO Christmas special had fallen into the hands of the Viet Cong who scored a direct hit on the suite Hope was supposed to be occupying at the Brinks Hotel in Saigon. The room, and several to either side of it, was completely destroyed, and the only reason Hope wasn’t in it was because Barn had failed to show up for a rehearsal.
Barney had saved Hope’s life and the memory of that close call was never far from their minds.
Tomorrow: Shopping in 1979 China
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ