FRIDAY, May 30, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E

Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks

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DICK MARTIN 1922 - 2008

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Colorado Springs, CO -- Bush delivered the commencement address at the Air Force Academy, congratulating the cadets for their proud achievement. Then he placed them on full alert to prepare to supply air support of a preemptory strike on Scott McClellan.

Camp Lejeune, NC -- The Marine Corps has issued a warning to boaters to stay clear of Brown Island, long used as a bombing range but sometimes used as a recreation site, despite the warning signs. God forbid they take civilian casualties before they get to Iraq.

New York, NY -- Thousands of visiting sailors are enjoying their shore leave along the Great White Way during the Big Apple's annual "Fleet Week." Or, as the hookers refer to it, "winning the lottery."

Baghdad, IRAQ -- US Ambassador Ryan Crocker told reporters that "Al-Qaida has never been closer to defeat than they are now." Bush is scrambling to find his "Mission Accomplished" sign that was somehow misplaced after FEMA borrowed it.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"I'm occasionally reading, I want you to know, in the second term."

George W. Bush 3/16/2005 Washington, DC
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London, ENGLAND -- In a letter written by Albert Einstein to philosopher Eric Gutkind 1n 1954, he concludes that "... the word God is for me nothing more than the expression of and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honorable but still primitive legends which are nonetheless pretty childish." E = MC 2? No way. E = EXCOMMUNICATED.

Palm Beach, FL -- Two etchings by Pablo Picasso, "The Frugal Meal" and "Jaqueline Lisout," estimated to be worth $450,000 were stolen from the Gallery Biba. The discriminating thieves passed up the less popular "Nude With Three Eyes Playing the Bagpipes."

St. Petersburg, RUSSIA -- Communist Party officials are calling for a worldwide boycott of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" because it "undermines the Communist ideology and distorts history."
They particularly disapprove of the scene where Indiana tries to defuse the Cuban Missile Crisis by seducing Mrs. Khrushev.

Vancouver, BC -- Four right feet severed above the ankle and wearing sock and an athletic shoe have washed ashore on Kirkland Island, Gabriola Island, Jedidiah Island and the Strait of Georgia. Boy, when Nike cancels an endorsement contract, Nike CANCELS an endorsement contract.

Grand Junction, CO -- An atheist group appealed to the City Council to stop opening their meetings with an invocation that mentions God. In a gesture of compromise, the City Attorney has substituted an invocation that mentions Regis Philbin.

Tucson, AZ -- Border Patrol agent Juan Louis Sanchez, 31, is charged with smuggling 3000 pounds of marijuana from Mexico while on duty. And he'd have gotten away with it if he hadn't hidden the pot in a pinata shaped like Whitney Houston.

Concord, NH -- A new law makes urinating in public punishable by a $1000 fine and/or six months in jail or both. Wow. From now on, if you decide to write your name in the snow, you'd better use a Super Soaker.

North Randall, OH -- Once touted as the nation's largest, Randall Park Mall, built in 1976, will soon close. But it won't be torn down. It's been sold to AARP who plan to convert it into a senior citizen exercise track.

Hollywood, CA -- More than 500 TV and movie writers have joined with AARP to embed subtle messages in their scripts that will promote good health practices in light of the ever-growing population of Americans who lack health insurance. They'll offer tips on topics like how to find a good substance abuse rehab center, avoiding street drugs whose origins and purity are unknown, secrets of hosting a successful Botox party and recommendations on the safest tattoo parlors.
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[] PUBLICATION NOTICE Bob's book, "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories of a Writer for Bob Hope," is scheduled for publication in the fall. If you would like to be notified by e-mail when the book becomes available, send an e-mail with your address to: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com
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New York, NY -- State Attorney General Andrew Cuomo has filed a court action charging Dell Computers with defrauding thousands of customers by using "bait and switch" sales tactics. "Hey, dude, you're getting a subpoena!"

Brattleboro, VT -- An environmental court judge ruled that water released from the Vermont Yankee Nuclear Plant into the Connecticut River may be harmful to migrating Atlantic salmon and American shad. Not to mention Americans.

Salt Lake City, UR -- An historian hired by the Mormon Church concluded that the is not evidence the Brigham Young ordered the Mountain Meadows Massacre that slaughtered 120 immigrants from Arkansas. Well, that pretty well puts that scurrilous accusation to bed.

Ebensburg, PA -- The Amish community is under investigation of their method of handling outhouse waste by collecting it in plastic buckets and spreading it over nearby cornfields. I know what you're thinking. Are they supposed to be using anything made of plastic?

Portland, OR -- The Portland Police Department recently relocated their evidence collection center to new quarters and in the process transferred 5000 handguns, 4560 knives and 150 cartons of miscellaneous items being held as evidence in criminal cases. You know, it might be more sensible to return the stuff to their rightful owners and just start over again.

New York, NY -- A Delta Airlines plane made an emergency landing at JFK International Airport after the pilot reported problems with the plane's hydauralic system. But it just turned out to be a new alarm that warns the pilot when a passenger is being forced to spend the flight in the lavatory.

Parchman, MISS -- Chris Epps, State Commissioner of Corrections says the recent resumption of executions "has provided closure for the victims' families and reduced the expense of housing condemned prisoners." And don't forget, Chris, it also helps reduce global warming by eliminating two carbon footprints.

Boston, Mass -- A pair of sisters from Nigeria have become the first siblings in state history to be chosen valedictorians at separate schools, Chioma Nwoaha at English High School and Faith Nwoaha at Jeremiah High. Even more remarkable, they finished first and second in the Boston Marathon.

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[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
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Wichita, KS -- An 81 year old woman told police she was attacked by a purse snatcher while she was visiting a friend at a local cemetery. Police believed her story until she described they guy as being dressed in a hooded robe and carrying a scythe.

Muscatine, IOWA -- Librarians at the Musser Library, Betty Collins and Tina Miksch, have challenged local teens to read more by promising to eat bugs if they can complete 15,000 books by summer's end. Every year they come up with a new incentive. Last year they vowed not to shave.

Millstadt, ILL -- Martin Roth, 48, has been convicted of driving while under the influence of alcohol ten times, four times in Missouri and six times in Illinois. A federal judge has ruled that it's not unconstitutional for state police to set up a road block in Marty's driveway.

Hilo, HI -- The city council rejected a plan to search for marijuana plants by using a low-flying helicopter, concluding that it would be too intrusive on homeowners. Also, it would be cheaper to just hire Cheech and Chong.

Columbus, OH -- A trailer containing a piano and 100 folding chairs was stolen from a church parking lot. Police are now on the lookout for an unemployed wedding singer who offers to provide his own seating.

Maimi, FL -- Royal Caribbean has announced it will launch the world's largest cruise ship, the 5400 passenger "Oasis of the Seas" in 2009. Passengers will be able to visit Alaska without going ashore. The ship's stern will be docked in Vancouver and the bow in Anchorage.

New Haven, CT -- The United Illuminating Company has been illegally trapping and killing parakeets who nest on their power lines and cause outages. The practice came to light only after one of the birds managed to escape and told his story to police.

Little Rock, ARK -- Governor Beebe has ordered all state colleges and universities to reject enrollment applications filed by illegal immigrants. The gov figures that if they get too smart, they'll turn down the dishwasher and busboy jobs at his country club, "Good Ol' Boys Golf, Tennis and 'Coon Hunting."

Sacramento, CA -- A bill that will impose stricter controls on plastic surgery is expected to sail through the legislature. After several high priced Beverly Hills dermatologists were caught extracting Botox from cattle previously rejected by McDonald's.

FRIDAY, May 23, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E

Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks

(Dedicated to the memory of Eileen Mills who would be 100 this week)

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[] PROGRAM ALERT! On Tuesday, May 27, Bob will be co-hosting KPFK's "Access Unlimited." The show, which addresses issues relating to the disabled community, will welcome guest Walden Hughes, longtime radio commentator on www.yesterdayusa.com with Frank Bresee and producer of the annual SPERDVAC Old Time Radio Convention. The show airs live on KPFK - 90.7fm Los Angeles and 93.7fm Santa Barbara at 3-4 pm PDT and also streams live worldwide at www.kpfk.org. It's archived and can be downloaded for 90 days from broadcast. KPFK, along with its sister station KPFA, Berkeley, CA, is commercial-free "Radio For The People," addressing political and social issues.
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Washington, DC -- The Veterans Administration Chief of Mental Health, Ira Katz, sent a confidential e-mail to members of his staff entitled "Shhh" warning them to downplay military suicides by admitting to only 800 per year instead of the real figure, 12,000. To illustrate their degree of concern, when you dial the VA suicide hot line, you get a recorded voice that says "We value your call. Please hold for the next unqualified Bush appointee. Your call may be monitored for war crimes trial defense purposes."

Green River, WY -- A group called the "Prairie Dog Posse" will host a scope rifle only "Prairie Dog Shoot" near Medicine Bow. This is the same bunch of beer, pickup and tattoo aficionados who organized last year's military themed squirrel hunt they called "Operation Rolling Thumper."

Beichuan, PRC -- The Chinese government has sent psychologists from nearby provinces into the areas hardest hit by the earthquake to counsel traumatized children, many of whom are now alone wandering the streets in a daze. They got the idea from FEMA's inspirational humanitarian efforts post-Katrina New Orleans. "Great job, Wong Ling!"

Hershey, PENN -- The new roller coaster at Hersheypark called "Fahrenheit" drops riders from a height of 127 feet downward at an unprecedented angle of 97 degrees. The monster ride was renamed after park officials decided that "Bush's Approval Ratings" wouldn't fit on the sign.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"My views are one that speaks to freedom."

George W. Bush 1/29/2004 Washington, DC

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Paducah, KY -- Lourdes, Marshall County, Murray-Calloway and Trigg County are among the hospitals who have bowed to public demands to ban tobacco use anywhere on their grounds. The city's sole holdout is Our Lady of Lucky Strike.

Colorado Springs, CO -- The conservative watchdog group Focus on the Family" has petitioned the Marriott Hotel Corporation to remove access to TV pornography from all of its rooms. Members unanimously agreed that porn should be limited to where it belongs -- on their computers at work.

Phoenix, AZ -- A bill which would have allowed students and faculty to carry concealed firearms on the University of Arizona campus was soundly defeated in the legislature. "We've only begun to fight," vowed a spokesman for the NRA-funded fraternity, Delta Gamma Uzi.

Myrtle Beach, FL -- The weekend shuttle that ferries Coastal Carolina University students into Myrtle Beach to party may be discontinued due to "rowdy, late-night rides back," according to officials. Of course, it's a toss up whether they want to go back to the old system of over-indulged co-eds slamming their high school graduation gift SUV's into palm trees.
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[] A NEW CHAPTER of Bob’s book “THE LAUGH MAKERS” has just been posted and it's one you won't want to miss! THE BEST LAID PLANS... recounts the sometimes wacky and always challenging problems that often threatened to blow our merry ship of comedy out of the water... Did Richard Burton really refuse to kiss Raquel Welch? Would our "Mutiny on the Bounty" sketch cause another mutiny? Were the NBC censors gunning for Bob Hope? Learn how these and other potential disasters were defused in the nick o' time. It's an interesting, exciting and hilarious read!

www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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Oklahoma City, OK -- A severe clergy shortage has forced the diocese to shutter three once thriving parishes -- St. Francis of Assisi, Our Lady of Perpetual Help and St. Cecilia. Barely holding on by the width of a collection plate is "Our Lady of Perpetual Bingo" and a wedding chapel built to honor the Chairman of the Board, St. Francis of Albert.

Spencer, N.C. -- Civil War preservationists are attempting to block the building of a race track on private property they claim was the site of the final Confederate defeat in 1865. To appease the crimson collared Confederistas, the owner has promised to set aside a special area of the clubhouse for the shoeless.

Witchita, KN -- For the first time in ten years, the Catholic diocese of Witchita has established a new parish to be called St. Catherine of Sienna. Members of the parish voted to name it St. Catherine of Zeta-Jones, but apparently the pope isn't a fan.

Postville, IOWA -- Federal Immigration and Naturalization agents swooped down on the Agriprocessors, Inc. plant and arrested nearly 400 green cardless employees. Earlier in the day, the dark suited, Ray-Banned lads had passed on a dozen or so dishwashers and busboys employed at a nearby Hooters. Hey, even the feds have to eat lunch.
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[] AHOY, LANDLUBBERS! After ten years crisscrossing the world's oceans, Bob Mills has jumped ship and is now available for corporate conventions, meetings and workshops. Bob's eight, hour-long shows come complete with original clips from Hope specials in the '70's and 80's including "Bob Hope in China: 1979," military salutes from West Point, Annapolis and the Air Force Academy, sports tributes to the NFL and the National League, "Bob Hope Down Under: 1978," and "Bloopers & Outtakes." There's sure to be a theme tailor made for your event. Says Walden Hughes, producer of SPERDVAC's Old Time Radio Convention, "Bob's show is sensational and left our members clamoring for more! His backstage stories are hilarious, he's worked with more old time stars than Larry King and his video clips are priceless." Don't take our word for it. Contact Walden at 714-454-3281. Better yet, to make your next event truly memorable, call 818-980-8445.
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Baghdad, IRAQ -- A US general apologized to the Muslims after one of his soldiers used a copy of the Koran for target practice. Then, as a show of good faith, he went even further and ripped St. Matthew's Letters to the Carthaginians out of his dog-eared New Testament and fed them to a passing camel.

Lincoln, NEB -- Faced with a budget shortfall of $500,000, the University of Nebraska's Alumni Association may have to disband the storied "Scarlet & Cream Choir." In the meantime, costs will be reduced by replacing the Cream with Coffee Mate.

Syracuse, NY -- Two upstate zoos are seeking permission from state officials to allow visitors to pet the elephants. But with certain restrictions. You have to show up wearing a loincloth and a turban and answer to the name of "Sabu."

Tucson, AZ -- Bishop Gerald Kicanas of the diocese of Tucson claims he's praying that the three boys molested by Father Gary Underwood find healing." How much healing pretty much depends on sales of the Vatican's new video "The Pope At Yankee Stadium."

St. Cloud, MINN -- After complaints from neighbors flooded their switchboard, police raided the Rox nightclub where they were shocked to find people dangling from meat hooks implanted in their backs. In the dim indirect lighting, the officers almost failed to recognize Amy Winehouse, Cher and Ozzie Osbourne.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. Featured on May 29 will be a profile of Barbara Walters from New Yorker Magazine. The Los Angeles Radio Reading Service (LARRS) is all-volunteer and commercial free. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: independence
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Naples, ITALY -- With landfills at full capacity, garbage is piling up on the streets of Naples at the rate of five tons a minute. One solution being considered is to fill gondolas borrowed from Venice with the garbage and convince gullible American tourists that even the smell of rotting world famous Italian cuisine is worth a trip to Italy.

Athens, GREECE -- Fourteen Greek weightlifters and their coach have been charged with using performance enhancing drugs which will disqualify them from the Beijing Olympics. Olympics officials first became suspicious when they noticed one of them bench pressing Barry Bonds.

New York, NY -- First quarter profits for Home Depot Stores plunged 66% due to the decrease in housing starts. Things are so bad over at the Depot, several employees were spotted asking the illegal immigrants in the parking lot for a job.

New York, NY -- Lon Pearlman, creator of the popular boy bands 'N Sync and the Backstreet Boys was sentenced to 25 years in prison for bilking investors out of $300 million. But old habits are hard to break. He's already forming some new groups... "N Solitary" and the "Back Exercise Yard Boys."

Atlanta, GA -- American Airlines stunned the traveling public when they announced that from now on a checked bag will cost $15... the second checked bag $25... the third $80... the fourth and fifth $100... and bags six through nine will cost $200. That's nothing. It will cost you $150 for every pound YOU'RE overweight.
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MONDAY, May 19, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E

Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks

Denver, CO -- Bob Schaffer, Republican candidate for the US Senate, withdrew a TV ad that mistakenly identified Alaska's Mt. McKinley as Colorado's Pike's Peak. And the family identified as "the Schaffers on vacation" turned out to be Ozzie, Harriet and the boys.

Washington, DC -- A new report from the Veterans Administration estimates that homelessness among veterans rose 600% over the past year. Irony of ironies, homelessness among Iraqi civilians has risen by about the same amount since the US invasion.

Washington, DC -- A study commissioned by the Rand Corporation found that more than 300,000 US troops who served in Iraq and Afghanistan suffer from traumatic brain injury. Not to be confused with similar symptoms produced by genetic brain damage as evidenced in, say, their commander-in-chief.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"Justice was being delivered to a man who defied that gift from the Almighty to the people of Iraq."

George W. Bush 12/15/2003 Washington, DC
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Wilmington, DEL -- Fr. James O'Neill, principal of the Salesianum School in the Catholic diocese of Wilmington, admitted that he and several other members of the faculty molested a single student on hundreds of occasions. As if the Vatican didn't have enough to answer for, now the pope has to apologize for "tag team" priest pedophilia.

St. Paul, MINN -- Vandals broke into the statehouse and defaced a portrait of former governor, Jesse Ventura. Leading suspects in the police investigation so far are Vince McMahon, the Masked Avenger and Garrison Keillor.

Grand Prairie, TX -- The Grand Prairie Airhogs baseball team will soon host "All Airhogs Go To Heaven Night" during which some lucky fan will win a $10,000 funeral including casket, headstone, service and plot. One small catch, though. The plot is under second base.

Concord, NH -- A study conducted by the Fish & Game Commission found that an average of 239 moose are killed on the state's highways every year. Which is almost three times the casualty rates of the Elks, the Lions and the Knights of Columbus combined.
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[] ATTENTION WORLD TRAVELERS! Do you often feel news-deprived when venturing outside the confines of the US? Well, now you can download a commercial-free, two-hour podcast of articles from the LA Times delivered live M-F at 9am to 11am PDT. This service is provided by volunteer readers at LA's Radio Reading Service for the Blind. To access the broadcasts, simply go online at www.larrs.org, select MP3 and enter the password: independence
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Columbia, SC -- In an effort to curb dog fighting, the state will establish a "Crime Stoppers Hot Line" for residents to report fights anonymously. Easy to remember, too: 1-800-MIKE-VICK.

Los Angeles, CA -- Gerald Curland, 63, former Commissioner of the Cahuenga District of the Boy Scouts of America, has been charged with possession and distribution of child pornography. Officials at national headquarters first became suspicious when they noticed he had approved a new "Fruit-of-the-Loom" merit badge.

Louisville, KY -- McCain received a standing ovation while addressing the members of the National Rifle Association gathered here for their annual convention. Jack regaled the weapon obsessed crowd with the story of his his meeting, as a youth, Chinese Emperor Ming, during whose reign gunpowder was invented.

New York, NY -- Christie Hefner, CEO of Playboy Enterprises, announced her company's $3.1 million loss during the first quarter of 2008. She added, however, that belt-tightening steps being taken to stem the hemorrhaging include replacement of the familiar Bunny with a less expensive non-union hamster... recycling the monthly centerfolds... and the demotion of Shannon Tweed to polyester.
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[] Do you like to read? Ever been told your voice could charm the birds out of the trees? Okay, how about into the trees? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585

FRIDAY, May 16, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E

Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks

Cape Canaveral, FL -- After years of intense experimentation and watching Kevin Costner in "The Postman" about a thousand times, NASA scientists have finally developed a workable process to convert astronaut urine into drinking water. Not all of it will be converted, however. They'll save a few quarts in case the capsule crash lands in an ocean and the occupants are stung by a jellyfish.

Rome, Italy -- For the first time in recorded history, the Roman Catholic Church has been toppled from its perch as the world's largest religion, bowing to the Muslims' 19% to the Mother Church's 17%. Within hours of the announcement, the Dalai Lama forclosed on the Vatican's defaulted mortgage.

New York, NY -- Isabella Rossellini will host a new program on Sundance called "Green Porno" that studies the sexual habits of insects. Films will include the classic, "The Nun and the Praying Mantis" the still popular 1957 "Under the Rug Behind the Green Door" and the Mitchell Brothers' award-winning mosquito skin flick "SUCK!"

Bloomer, WI -- The School Board has ruled that a high school senior who rushed out of the classroom to join the Marines, will not be allowed to wear his new uniform at Bloomer High's Commencement. Just like college athletes aren't allowed to wear their new NFL uniforms to graduation.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone."

George W. Bush 5/5/2006 Washington, DC
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Philadelphia, PA -- Kenneth Williams, 47,was apprehended after stealing $183 from a cabby and biting his ear off. Police credit the prompt arrest to the accurate description of the suspect given by the veteran cabby, Fayed Mohammed Van Gogh.

Seattle, WA -- Chief "Seattle" of the Duwmish Tribe is appealing a recent federal court decision that ruled the tribe is extinct. After reviewing evidence that they ran out of cities to name their chiefs after.

Lansing, MICH -- A bill has been proposed in the Legislature that would prohibit drivers from text messaging while behind the wheel. With one exception: if the phone is being used to teach the infant in your lap how to read.

Honolulu, HI -- The State Tourist Bureau has allocated $3 million for a program to lure tourists back to the Islands. Most of it will be spent for the rights to show reruns of "Hawaii Five-O" on airplanes.

Salt Lake City, UT -- Alcohol and Beverage Control agents have been conducting sting operations to catch bartenders serving more than one drink per customer. The law stems from a turn-of-the-century Mormon edict issued by Joseph Smith that prohibited more than one drink per wife.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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Columbus, SC -- The state Department of Corrections is facing a $4.3 million budget deficit due to increased medical costs to treat the growing population of elderly inmates. But on the plus side, escapes are way down. The old guys keep forgetting where they dug the tunnel.

Rome, ITALY -- The chief astronomer to Pope Benedict XVI has assurred the faithful that it's okay to believe in the existence of extraterrestials. As long as they also believe that ET's parents are named Mary and Joseph.

Barnstable, MA -- Clyde Bridges, 45, was arrested after a failed attempt to hold up members of the Foursquare Portuguese Church while they were passing the collection plate. In an almost flawless plan, he unfortunately cut the eyeholes in his mask too small, tripped, and fell into the baptismal font where police later fished him out.

Seattle, WA -- McCain touts his expertese on environmental issues and promises that "people will trust my stewardship on the issue of global warming." Jack has a point. He still relies on climate change information he learned after extensive discussions with Noah.

Waterville, MA -- The Director of the Madison School District has proposed that high school science classes teach evolution as "an unprovable theory." Unlike, say, the completely explainable sudden recovery of Jesus from sever case of "three day death" that was going around the Holy Land.
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Plainfield, IND -- Thirty men donned high heels and walked around a local mall in the "Walk a Mile in her Shoes" to help raise funds to build a domestic abuse center. But the event was marred somewhat when three of them also donned mini skirts and embroidered halter tops.

Ft. Dodge, IOWA -- The state is offering $40,000 bonuses to psychiatrists willing to serve rural residents. Iowa ranks 47th in per capita mental health care. Most Iowans are suspicious of lying on a couch alone in a room with someone not a relative or a spouse.
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[] AHOY, LANDLUBBERS! After ten years crisscrossing the world's oceans, Bob Mills has jumped ship and is now available for corporate conventions, seminars, meetings and workshops -- anywhere business people need some laughs with a touch of nostalgia. Bob's eight, hour-long shows come complete with original clips from the 70's and 80's and include "Bob Hope's 1979 Special from China," military salutes to West Point, Annapolis and the Air Force Academy, tributes to the National Football League and the National Baseball League's 75th anniversary, not to mention the ever-popular "Bloopers & Outtakes" show. With so many choices, there's bound to be a theme that's tailor-made for your event attendees. Says Walden Hughes, producer of the Old Time Radio Convention, "Bob's show is sensational and left our members clamoring for more! His backstage stories are hilarious, he's worked with more old time stars than Larry King and his video clips are priceless." Don't take our word for it. Contact Walden at 714-454-3281. Better yet, to make your next event truly unique and memorable, call 818-980-8445.

MONDAY, May 12, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E

Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks

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Kent County, DEL -- Gates has apologized for the Pentagon allowing two hundred dead soldiers killed in Iraq to be cremated at a pet cemetery, although he assured reporters that there's "no evidence so far" that they shared the same ovens with pets. The New York Times reporter who broke the case first became suspicious when he noticed a headstone at a VA cemetery inscribed "'Fluffy,' Sgt. US Marines."

New York, NY -- Emmy-award winning newsgal Barbara Walters appeared on The David Letterman Show to promote her new book of memoirs entitled "Audition." Dave got her to admit something she had only hinted at in the book: that she once was doing Walter Cronkite and Hugh Downs simulataneously. When asked to explain her problems with Rosie O'Donnell on The View, she said "Rosie wanted to drive the bus and we wanted her to be a passenger." That's much too kind. Actually, Rosie wanted to BE the bus.

Crawford, TX -- Before a small, selected group of family members and friends, Jenna Bush married Henry Hager, choosing the Texas ranch over the White House to avoid reminders of Bush's low approval ratings, the daily death toll in the Iraq war and the sputtering economy. Ushers had to seek advice from the Secret Service when everyone wanted to sit on the groom's side. For "something borrowed," Jenna wore a garter once worn by J. Edgar Hoover. The previous night, Cheney hosted a stag party for Henry at the local Hooters, a high point of which was when a nude Hooters girl jumped out of a cake and the guests waterboarded her.

Kearney, NE -- The Army will resume teaching ROTC on the campus of the University of Nebraska for the first time since that were voted off campus in 1996. Their return is due largely to efforts of the school's Young Republicans, fired up by McCain's inspiring presidential campaign and the reduction of American deaths in Iraq to one a day.

Anchorage, AK -- A bald eagle who lost a wing during the 1989 Exxon Vandez oil spill and wasn't expected to survive lived for twenty years at the Bird Treatment and Learning Center. Which makes "One Wing" the longest surviving handicapped historic symbol -- if you don't count Bush.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"I think war is a dangerous place."

George W. Bush 5/7/2003 Washington, DC
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Hollywood, CA -- TV's "King of Queens," Kevin James, stars in the big screen feature, "Paul Blart, Mall Cop," due to be released in the fall. In a scene filmed last week, he disarms a terrorist who's attempting to blow up the Food Court with an IEC... "improvised explosive Cinabun."

Dover, DE -- The legislature has voted to rename the state's largest prison after long time state senator James Vaughn. Local reporters were tired of having to refer to it as "The Joint," "The Big House" or "Stir."

St. Paul, MINN -- Among the four hundred and fifty three graduates of McCalaster College this year are Nokuthula Sikhethiwe Kitikiti... Udochuwu Chinyere Obodo... and Baitnairamdal Otgonshar. All were exchange students from Hasbrostan where ancient religious tradition dictates that newborns be named by random tosses of Scrabble tiles.

Phoenix, AZ -- McCain announced that if elected he'll do all he can to stamp out the growing threat of human trafficking in America. He's never forgotten how impressed he was as a young boy watching Lincoln use the slavery issue to such advantage.

Atlanta, GA -- According to a pharmacutical industry survey, most independently owned drug stores have ceased selling tobacco products while the large chains like Rite-Aid, Walgreens and CVS continue to dispense lingering death along with life saving drugs. But you have to give Walgreens credit for displaying them beside their medical oxygen cannisters.
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[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
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FRIDAY, May 9, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E

Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks

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[] A NEW chapter of Bob’s book “THE LAUGH MAKERS” has just been posted and it's one you won't want to miss! THE BEST LAID PLANS... recounts the sometimes wacky and always challenging problems that often threatened to blow our merry ship of comedy out of the water... Did Richard Burton really refuse to kiss Raquel Welch? Would our "Mutiny on the Bounty" sketch cause another mutiny? Were the NBC censors gunning for Bob Hope? Learn how these and other potential disasters were defused in the nick o' time. It's an interesting, exciting and hilarious read!

www.laughmakers.blogspot.com

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San Diego, CA -- Narcotics officers conducted a sting on the campus of San Diego State University and charged 75 students with selling cocaine, heroin, marijuana, psychedelic mushrooms, methamphetamines, and illicit prescription drugs. The cops first became suspicious when they noticed a fraternity on campus called Delta Pi Cheech & Chong.


Washington, DC -- The Postal Service has introduced a new Frank Sinatra stamp that will soon go on sale in Hoboken, NJ, New York and Las Vegas. It’s like any other stamp except you stick it on with scooby-dooby-glue.


Riverdale, UT -- Police Chief Dave Hanson, 54, shot himself in the foot while demonstrating for subordinates how to clear a jammed service revolver. He may now be subject to the “Barney Fife Rule,” which requires that an officer’s bullets be kept under lock and key until needed.


New York, NY -- In her new book of memoirs “Audition,” Barbara Walters recounts her clandestine affair with Sen. Edward Brooke. But it really gets good in Chapter Eight wherein she confesses that she’s the love child of Andy Rooney and Dorothy Kilgallen.


Nashville, TN -- Country thrush Gretchen Wilson, 34, successfully completed state requirements for her high school equivalency certificate. It’s scheduled to be awarded in conjunction with the release of her new single, “My GED is a Ph.D in Memphis.”


Atlanta, GA -- Taco Bell has debuted their new “Big Bell Box Meal” guaranteed to “satisfy the heartiest appetites” that includes a Bacon Club Chalupa, a Beef Crunchy Taco, a Bean Burrito and Cinnamon Twists. But to Taco Bell’s credit, the thing comes with a free colonoscopy at the gastrointestinal clinic of your choice.


Denver, CO -- Replanted Texan Jeff Hawn violated an 1800 state law requiring cattle ranchers to erect fences by shooting 32 bison that wandered onto his spread and, as he puts it, “turned it into a feed lot.” Or what Texans call, “George Bush’s ranch.”

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QUOTH THE NITWIT:


“Actually, I -- this may sound a little West Texas to you, but I like it. When I’m talking about -- when I’m talking about myself, and when he’s talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.”


George W. Bush 5/31/2000 On MSNBC


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New York, NY -- A new study shows that nearly half the state’s middle schools have no sports or fitness programs. Maybe no formal programs as such, but lots of teachers schedule field trips to Manhattan just so the kids can jump up and down in front of the window at the Today Show.


Columbus, OH -- Amish and Mennonite women living in rural southern Ohio have inordinately high rates of breast cancer due, researchers believe, to a lack of proper screening. The simple country gals must learn that just counting them isn’t enough.


Billings. MN -- Alicia Luke, 27 and Jenny Terrell, 31, inmates at Montana Women’s Prison, escaped while working in the prison bakery. Initial reports are sketchy, but it appears they disguised themselves as soufflés and rose themselves over the wall.


LaPlace, LA -- A Department of Labor arbitrator ruled that Sandra McCray and Herman Clayton don’t have to clock in for work at St. John the Baptist Parish because it would violate their “End Time” religious beliefs. They’ll be allowed to just show up and sing the Gregorian favorite “Jesus Trusts Me, So Should You” while sprinkling holy water on a homeless person.


Austin, TX -- The state has allocated $1 million to eradicate feral hogs that cause an estimated $50 million in crop damage yearly. That’s the most Texas has spent on pig removal since they got rid of Tom DeLay.


Salt Lake City, UT -- The Utah Legislature has approved a bill that will increase the liquor limit in mixed drinks from one to one and a half ounces. Subject to automatic recall if evidence surfaces that the increase results in adverse effects such as blindness, loss of motor control, dementia, or an uncontrollable desire to marry more than one woman.
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[] AHOY, LANDLUBBERS! After ten years crisscrossing the world's oceans, Bob Mills has jumped ship and is now available for corporate conventions, seminars, meetings and workshops -- anywhere business people need some laughs with a touch of nostalgia. Bob's eight, hour-long shows come complete with original clips from the 70's and 80's and include "Bob Hope's 1979 Special from China," military salutes to West Point, Annapolis and the Air Force Academy, tributes to the National Football League and the National Baseball League's 75th anniversary, not to mention the ever-popular "Bloopers & Outtakes" show. With so many choices, there's bound to be a theme that's tailor-made for your event attendees. Says Walden Hughes, producer of the Old Time Radio Convention, "Bob's show is sensational and left our members clamoring for more! His backstage stories are hilarious, he's worked with more old time stars than Larry King and his video clips are priceless." Don't take our word for it. Contact Walden at 714-454-3281. Better yet, to make your next event truly unique and memorable, call (818) 980-8445.

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Plains, GA -- The service station once owned by First Brother Billy Carter will be renovated and turned into a museum. Exhibits will include Billy’s “Can’t Bust ‘Em” coveralls, cans of “Billy Beer,” and a replica of the bushes he urinated in while conducting tours for foreign dignitaries.


Newark, NJ -- A $4 million Stradivarius violin left in a cab at Liberty International Airport by Grammy Award winner Philippe Quint was returned by the music-loving cabby. Just a week before, an accordion was left in his cab by a guy who refused to take
it back.


Cincinnati, OH -- Tavissa, Domanie, and Maewellyn Granger are the first set of sisters to join the Ohio National Guard at the same time. In their case, instead of taking the Oath of Allegiance, they were allowed to sing “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy From Company B.”


Greenwich, CN -- The Superintendent of Schools has barred the Boy Scouts of America from recruiting on school grounds while classes are in session. Seems it was too disruptive for the other students who had to watch while they tried to help elderly teachers cross the classroom.


Garden City, NJ -- Thomas Edison, Frank Sinatra, Yogi Berra and Vince Lombardi are among the first inductees into the new “New Jersey Hall of Fame.” Pete Rose is appealing the decision of the acceptance committee to reject him on the grounds that he’s never been to New Jersey.


Pittsburgh, PA -- Construction has begun on the Pittsburgh Penguins’ new ice hockey arena due to open for the 2010 season. It will feature an atrium with a statue of a penguin in marble as well as a rotating restaurant called “Goalie’s” that will shaped like a large tooth.


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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org (866) 732-3585
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North Lauderdale, FL -- The City Commission has proposed dividing the state into two new states. With appropriate names like “North Assisted Living” and “South Critical Care.”


Des Moines, IA -- Drake University has become the third college in the nation to offer a course in wind law, joining the University of Texas and the University of Oregon. It’s a prerequisite course. In order to study environmental law, you first have to pass wind.


Norfolk, VA -- Tim Montgomery, 33, former world record holder in the 100 meters, has been charged with selling heroin. A charge of resisting arrest was dropped since the gun he threatened the cops with was only a starter’s pistol.


Washington, DC -- Citing the rising cost of copper, zink and nickel, Congress will examine the practicality of using steel to make US coins. Makes sense on several levels. Troops in Iraq who lack adequate body armor could stuff their pockets with nickels.


South Bend, IN -- Poll worker Sister Julie McGuire had to turn away fellow nuns from Saint Mary’s Convent because they lacked photo ID‘s. Best the gals could come up with were expired VIP passes to “Club Vatican.”
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[] You can comment on anything you read in this blog. Just scroll down until you come to the "Post a comment" icon at the end of this post.

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Lake Travis, TX -- Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was charged with DUI boat and resisting arrest after cops had to resort to pepper spray to subdue him. Problem was, the boat was on a trailer being towed by Mrs. Benson at the time.


Phoenix, AZ -- McCain heard some boos while attending a Mets vs. Diamondbacks game. Afterwards he told reporters that it brought back fond memories of watching the lions and the Christians in the stands as a boy with his dad.


Las Vegas, NV -- The Venetian and the Palazzo are offering a 25% slot machine credit for hotel guests who cash their IRS economic stimulus checks at the desk. One armed bandits financed by a fellow one armed bandit.


Batavia, OH -- Charles Martin, 68, shot and killed Larry Mugrage, 15, when the boy failed to heed his “Keep Off the Grass” sign. The National Rifle Association immediately issued a statement pointing out that the right of a homeowner to protect his castle should reasonably apply to the surrounding landscaping.


New York, NY -- A one hundred and thirty million year old chunk of dinosaur dung recently sold at a Christie’s auction for $960. Which pound-for-pound is about what the television networks sell it for.


Park City, UT -- The makers of Lifestyles condoms have introduced the “Make Out Booth” which, placed in bars and nightclubs, will allow couples to videotape themselves copulating. Or, as Paris Hilton describes it, “spending a quiet evening at home.”
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FRIDAY, May 2, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E

Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks

_______________________________________

[] AHOY, LANDLUBBERS! After ten years crisscrossing the world's oceans, Bob Mills has jumped ship and is now available for corporate conventions, seminars, meetings and workshops -- anywhere business people need some laughs with a touch of nostalgia. Bob's eight, hour-long shows come complete with original clips from the 70's and 80's and include "Bob Hope's 1979 Special from China," military salutes to West Point, Annapolis and the Air Force Academy, tributes to the National Football League and the National Baseball League's 75th anniversary, not to mention the ever-popular "Bloopers & Outtakes" show. With so many choices, there's bound to be a theme that's tailor made for your event attendees. Says Walden Hughes, producer of the Old Time Radio Convention, "Bob's show is sensational and left our members clamoring for more! His backstage stories are hilarious, he's worked with more old time stars than Larry King and his video clips are priceless." Don't take our word for it. Contact Walden at 714-454-3281. Better yet, to make your next event truly unique and memorable, call (818) 980-8445.
___________________________________________________________________________

Palm Springs, CA -- CSI’s Gary Dourdan, 41, found by police sleeping in his car at 5:30 am, has been charged with possession of heroin, cocaine, Ecstasy and prescription hallucinogens. When he realized he was caught, out of habit he strung yellow tape around his car and outlined himself with chalk.

New York, NY -- Country thrush Mindy McCready told reporters that she “can’t refute” allegations that she began an affair with Roger Clemens when she was 15. In all fairness to Mindy though, 15 is 25 in Country & Western years.

Baghdad, IRAQ -- Coalition combat commanders report that US troops who needed a waiver for past criminal convictions to enlist are promoted faster than those without police records. Makes sense. When engaged in an illegal enterprise, it’s always best to go with experience.

Washington, DC -- Hordes of experienced agents have fled the FBI due to overwork, unreasonable promotion policies, poor management and lucrative private sector job offers, especially from gambling casinos. Even agents who decide to stick it out realize that no one will ever fill the lace panties of J. Edgar Hoover.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT:

“But Iraq has -- have got people there that are willing to kill, and they’re hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future.”

George W, Bush 4/28/2005 Washington, DC

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Lawton, OKLA -- Marine Sergeant William “Spanky” Gibson is the first above-the-knee amputee to return to combat duty in Iraq. He’ll join the newly formed 101st Heather Mills Artillery Brigade in Fallujah.

Washington, DC -- The Army ordered all barracks to be inspected after reports of mold, raw sewage, leaking pipes, exposed electrical wiring, cracked plaster, and vermin present in barracks at Ft. Bragg reached the Pentagon. US troops forced to live like Iraqis? Unacceptable!

Chicago, ILL -- Wal Mart has announced that they will cash IRS economic stimulus checks free for customers. So they can immediately apply the savings to more crap they don’t need made in China.

Manhattan, NY -- The 18 room mansion that was once the home of Alexander Hamilton will be completely renovated and opened to the public as a museum. In a related story, the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce is soliciting funds to renovate George Hamilton.
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[] FREE E-BOOK! Excerpts from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories
of a Writer for Bob Hope" are now available FREE on line. This month's
installment is entitled "The Bob Hope Show in China" and recounts the
comedian's history-making visit to China in July 1979, the first American entertainer allowed to tape a special in the Peoples Republic after Nixon restored diplomatic relations in 1974. In light of the Olympics and Tibet currently in the news, you'll marvel at the changes that have taken place in China over the past 30 years. Of course, there are plenty of laughs, too, so you won't want to miss these backstage stories and anecdotes. It's a great read!

www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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Washington, DC -- The Supreme Court ruled that states may constitutionally require voters to produce a photo ID. Under the same legal principal that allows them to demand a photo ID whenever Whitney Houston boards an airplane.

San Antonio, TX -- Of the 53 girls taken by authorities from that LDS compound, 31 have given birth or are pregnant. About the same as the cast of “The View.”

Keene, NH -- Keene State College students Cory Loonan, 18, and Alex Perry, 19, were arrested for reckless endangerment after attempting to go over the Ashuelot River Falls in a children’s wading pool. On a brighter note, the lads did manage to capture the school’s annual Evil Knieval Science Prize.

Bentonville, ARK -- Broderick Laswell claims in a federal lawsuit that as a county jail inmate, he dropped from 413 pounds to 308 pounds due to the inadequate diet he was given. He admits that he did okay on gruel, but decided to take legal action when he was downgraded to slop.

Las Vegas, NV -- So far, five construction workers have been killed on the site of the multi-billion dollar City Center Resort & Casino being built by MGM Grand, Inc. City officials are baffled since these were accidents, not mob hits.
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[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

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Dallas, TX -- The corpse of a 93-year old woman and her dog were left lying on a couch in her living room for over four months as boarders continued living in the house. They told police that long as she wasn’t asking for the rent, they weren’t about to rock the boat.

Pittsburgh, PA -- The city has approved a plan to place a hundred wine vending machines at strategic locations that will distribute up to 500 bottles. The machines will contain credit card instructions and an 800 number for free advice from a licensed sommelier.

Newark, NJ -- Customs agents seized $1 million od illegal drugs concealed in boxes of candy shipped from Peru. Only because an alert agent noticed the label on the bars: “Limbaugh’s Peanut Clusters.”

Seattle, WA -- Starbucks quarterly profit tumbled a whopping 28%. Industry analysts blame competition from McDonalds, rising shipping costs and customers who defected after discovering that the DoubleShot energy drink wouldn’t work in their gas tank.

Neosho, MO -- Randall Russell, 49, pastor of Act II Church, is facing trial for statutory rape, sodomy and child endangerment for having sex with a 16 year old girl in his flock. Oh, oh. Looks like it’s curtains for Act II.

WASHINGTON, DC -- Thursday marked the 57th annual National Day of Prayer whose theme this year is “Prayer! America’s Strength and Shield.” Or, as the Pentagon calls it, “Star Wars.”

Las Vegas, NV -- This gambling capital leads the nation in plummeting home prices, dipping a startling 28% in the past 12 months. Some developers are so desperate to unload new tract homes, they’re throwing in complimentary country club memberships, golf carts and a free hooker for a year.

Salem, OR -- Thanks to a typographical error in the voters pamphlet, callers seeking help get a message that says “Welcome to an exciting way to go one-on-one with hot girls!” A first for a voters pamphlet if you don’t count Eliot Spitzer’s during his run for New York governor.

London, GB -- Prince William landed his Royal Navy helicopter on the lawn of his girlfriend Kate Middleton’s parents, amidst cries of “Waste of taxpayers money!” Actually, Bill was on a valid military mission, training for an upcoming assault on Amy Winehouse.

New Orleans, LA -- McCain told voters here that he’ll be much quicker to respond to disasters than Bush and his henchmen were. He has an advantage. At his age, he knows all the medical first responders personally.

Ocala, FL -- A federal judge sentenced actor Wesley Snipes to three years in prison for income tax evasion, despite a letter from Woody Harrelson attesting to Wesley’s sterling character. Unfortunately, Woody wrote the letter on Zig Zag paper.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT:

“The United States and Russia are in the midst of transformationed relationship that will yield peace and progress.”

George W. Bush 11/13/2001 Washington, DC
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New York, NY -- Yankee manager Joe Girardi has forbidden his players from bringing candy into the locker room. And he’s threatening to come down hard on post-game dinner and dancing, too.

Bartlesville, OK -- Wheelchair bound Winnie Wiles, 95, fought off a burgler breaking into her house by stabbing him repeatedly with a screwdriver. It was the popular Phillips head “Intru-Do-Matic 600” from Black & Decker.

Millville, NJ -- Police set up a roadblock after a school bus driver alerted them that a first grader on board appeared to be carrying a gun. It turned out to be a toy and police released the boy after he produced a valid concealed weapons permit from Mattel.

New York -- Giants Super Bowl standout Eli Manning married his college sweetheart, Abby McGrew. Details weren’t formally announced, but she reportedly received a substantial signing bonus as well as several lucrative endorsement deals.

Beijing, PRC -- Over half of all male physicians in China admit to being smokers. By and large the same doctors who routinely prescribe Peking Duck to their high cholesterol patients instead of Lipator.

Hollywood, CA -- MTV has begun production of a reality program that will screen candidates who wish to become a Paris Hilton B.F.L.* Winners will receive cash, a contract with the William Morris Agency, and a crawl-on in Paris’s next porn video.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the
latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour news radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: independence
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Philadelphia, PA -- Chelsea Clinton visited a lesbian bar while campaigning for her mother. Secret Service agents had to rush her out when she got into a scuffling match with Dick Cheney’s daughter.

Seattle, WA -- A six mile trail around Lake Union will be named after a Duwamish Indian chief who guided settlers arriving from the East. It’s the first time city fathers have honored Chief Careful Not Step in Cow Pies.

Manhattan, NY -- Hedge fund billionaire John Angelo paid $801,000 for a small basement storage room in the Dakota. Not a bad deal actually. Yoko Ono comes in twice a week to dust.

Belle Plaine, MINN -- Thinking he was aiming at a turkey, Anthony Klaseus accidentally shot his eight year old son. The National Rifle Association immediately issued a statement pointing out that guns don’t kill people, fathers who can’t tell the difference between a small boy and a turkey kill people.
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* Best Friend For Life.
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