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Beverly Hills, CA -- Arch-conservative, former movie Moses Charlton Heston died this week at age 84. Actually, he died a week ago, but it's taken this long for doctors to pry the Winchester out of his cold, dead hands.
Huntington Beach, CA -- Surfers reported spotting several Great White sharks swimming nearby. No attacks on beach goers, but just as a precaution, police questioned Kirstie Alley and Rosie O'Donnell.
London, GB -- Supermodel Naomi Campbell, 37, was arrested at Heathrow Airport's Terminal 5 after scuffling with an airline employee over her lost luggage. Naomi bothers with luggage? Her entire wardrobe would fit in an attache case.
Palo Alto, CA -- Researchers at Stanford University have discovered that men who are sexually aroused are prone to take unnecessary financial risks, triggered by an area of the brain called the "nucleus accumbens." Renamed the "nucleus eliotspitzer."
Cincinnati, OH -- The Cincinnati Bengals fired wide receiver Chris Henry, 24, after he was charged with assaulting an 18 year old with a beer bottle. Past arrests include driving with a suspended license, possession of marijuana, carrying a concealed weapon, drunk driving and providing alcohol to minors. But to Chris's credit, he's clean when it comes to dog fighting.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...
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"Recession means that people's incomes, at the employer level, are going down, basically, relitive to costs, people are getting laid off."
George W. Bush 2/19/2004 Washington, DC
Portland, ORE -- The Mount Hood Ski Resort has received permission from the Pentagon to trigger dangerous avalanches with howitzers. Courtesy of the Army's elite 101st Bunny Hill Artillery Regiment.
Nashville, TENN -- The state attorney general has approved bible classes in public schools, providing the course doesn't favor any particular religion. References to God will be replaced by "all-powerful fairy tale character of your choice."
San Francisco, CA -- Bidding for Barry Bonds' 762nd home run ball, which has reached $177,000, will conclude on April 12. The winning bidder will also receive a set of autographed syringes and Barrys monogrammed rubber tournequet.
Boston, MASS -- Protecting an unhatched egg in her nest above the press box at Fenway Park, a hawk taloned Alexa Rodriguez, 13, who was treated at a local hospital for a gash in her forehead. The hawk owns a season nest that been in the family since 1949.
Nogales, AZ -- Customs officials have seized over 3000 pounds of marijuana hidden in railroad cars crossing the border from Mexico. They routinely flag down any train whose wheels aren't touching the tracks.
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[] FREE E-BOOK! Excerpts from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories of a Writer for Bob Hope" are now available FREE on line. This month's installment is entitled "The Bob Hope Show in China" and recounts the comedian's history-making visit to China in July 1979. In light of the Olympics and Tibet currently in the news, you'll marvel at the changes that have taken place in China over the past 30 years. Of course, there are plenty of laughs, too, so you won't want to miss these backstage stories and anecdotes. It's a great read!
www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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Fairview Heights, ILL -- A variety of poisonous reptiles were released when a motorist crashed into a snake breeder's basement. They were quickly rounded up with the help of police, the Department of Fish & Game, and the local Bar Association.
Bloomington, IND -- Will Shortz, editor of the famed New York Times crossword puzzle, addressed the graduating class of his alma mater, Indiana University. He'll address next week's entering freshman class with the correct answers.
Waycross, GA -- Nine third graders at a local elementary school hatched a plan to exact revenge on their teacher for wrongfully disciplining a classmate. Officials at the OJ Simpson School District Headquarters were at a loss to explain how such a thing could happen.
Beverly Hills, CA -- While coaching his 9-year old's Little League team, Larry King was ejected from a game for arguing with an umpire. It wasn't his words so much as it was the snapping of his suspenders.
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