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FRIDAY, April 18, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E
Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks
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New York, NY -- Harry Potter creator J. K. Rowling arrived in New York to testify in a copyright infringement lawsuit she brought against the author of a Harry Potter lexicon. Meanwhile, Pope Benedict XVI arrived in New York to begin his first visit to the US. Which raises the obvious question: what’s the difference between the pope and J.K. Rowling? Well, one has made a fortune peddling magic, fantasy and make-believe and the other is a talented children’s writer.

New York, NY -- On Sunday. the pope will emcee a mass before 50,000 of the faithful in Yankee Stadium. He’ll pray for and end to world hunger, peace in the Middle East and the Knicks.

Atlanta, GA -- Pending approval by the FDA, Delta and Northwest Airlines will merge to form the world’s largest carrier with 80,000 employees, 2700 flights a day and a net worth of $17.7 billion. Deciding what to name the new company wasn’t easy. After lengthy negotiations, lawyers for both parties agreed that the name should somehow incorporate the shape of their new Boeing 880’s. The new name… “Northwest Delta Burke.”

Detroit, MICH -- Nissan has announced that they will produce a small car designed by Chrysler and Chrysler will make a full size pickup designed by Nissan. If this doesn’t make you forget December 7th, nothing will.

Los Angeles, CA -- Lawyer Robert Shapiro is appearing in television commercials for a company called “Legal Zoom,” which offers cut rate wills, trusts, divorces at a fraction of what real lawyers charge. Don’t know about you, but I’m in. How can you not trust a guy who helped get OJ off?
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QUOTH THE
NITWIT…

“I’m the master of low expectations.”

George W. Bush 6/4/2003 Aboard Air Force
One

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Washington, DC -- Wal Mart will photograph any customer who buys a gun and turn the photo over to police if the weapon is used to commit a crime. Unless, of course, that crime is holding up a K-Mart or a Target.

Paris, FLA -- A 25 foot long skeleton of a three-horned Triceratops dinosaur 65 million years old will be sold at a Christie’s auction. The successful bidder will receive the bones, the scaffold on which they are mounted and the collar worn by the young dinosaur when it was presented to John McCain as a Christmas present from his folks.

New York, NY -- Former SecState Rumsfeld has been signed by Penguin Books to write his memoirs, though for no advance and expenses only. He told reporters “You go with the publisher you have, not the publisher you’d like to have.”

Ozark, ALA -- Seven Carroll High School students face expulsion for spray painting vulgar messages on school walls. District officials proudly pointed out that spelling, syntax, punctuation and grammar were much improved over last year’s vandalism.
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Philadelphia, PA -- A new law limits gun purchases to one weapon per person a month. Good idea. At that rate, it would take at least two years to equip a decent massacre.

Agawam, MASS -- Six Flags has canceled the planned construction of a $7 million roller coaster with a “Bat Man” theme. Probably for the best. Riders would have had to hang upside down.

Murfreesboro, TN -- Rutherford County commissioners have rejected a plan to build a 282 acre Bible-themed amusement park. To be called “12 Apostles Magic Mountain.”

Salt Lake City, UT -- City officials have established new rules requiring children under three to wear a diaper and waterproof swim pants in public pools. Female astronauts are barred completely.
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Phoenix, AZ -- McCain campaign aides lifted some recipes from the Rachael Ray Show on cable and released them as “Cindy McCain’s Family Recipes.” They should have known that Cindy’s recipes are all pureed on a Cuisinart so John can chew them.

Atlantic City, NJ -- During the International Coastal Cleanup last September, 378,000 volunteers scoured 33,000 miles of shoreline, picking up six million pounds of trash. On the plus side, they found enough medical waste to equip seven VA hospitals.

Charleston, SC -- A 200 year old law makes it illegal to play poker for money. Strip poker is allowed as long as the winner doesn’t sell the clothes.

Providence, RI -- Police officials are investigating reports that answers to a test being given to candidates for promotion to sergeant were somehow leaked to a few of them. Details are sketchy, but it appears that the answers may have been brought into the testing room concealed in a jelly donut.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org

password: independence

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Springfield, VT -- To improve the quality of reception, a cell phone provider will be allowed to install their transmitter in the steeple of the Holy Trinity Orthodox Church. Customers in the coverage area will be sent short text messages on subjects ranging from faith, hope and charity to abortion and same sex marriage.

Charleston, WV -- Rising gasoline prices may lead to a four-day work week for state employees. Which, when you factor in the reduced hours bureaucrats actually work, is about a day and a half.

Seattle, WA -- Starbucks has introduced the “Splash Stick,” a plastic device that is used to plug up the sip hole in the cup’s cap to prevent spillage. It’s free. Well, not exactly free, but it’s only $3.95 with proof of product purchase, which at Starbuck prices is free.

Detroit, MICH -- Strapped for cash to cover recent improvements, Detroit’s Metro Airport will sell the rights to rename its North Terminal. Leading bidders so far are Staples, Home Depot and a syndicate of disgruntled flyers who want to name it “Big Pile of Lost Luggage.”

Washington, DC -- Lt. Cmdr. Rebecca Dickinson, 38, testified in federal court that she moonlighted as a call girl while assigned to the Naval Academy as a supply officer. She says she turned down Eliot Spitzer because he wanted her to sing “Popeye the Sailor Man” while performing unnatural acts with spinach.

New York, NY -- In a ratings nosedive since she assumed the CBS News anchor chair in 2006, Katie Couric will bail out of her five year contract, probably before the presidential election. On a brighter note for Katie, she’s been offered a position that better suits her talents, replacing the retiring Vanna White.

Minneapolis, MINN -- After 23 people in 14 states were hospitalized with salmonella, Malt-O-Meal has recalled all its puffed rice and puff wheat cereals. It’s shot from guns. That should have been enough of a health warning right there.

Boao, PRC -- For the first time since the two countries split in 1949, the president of China met with the vice president of Taiwan. Over lunch. But not in a restaurant. Instead, they decided to stay at the hotel and send out for American.

Lake Buena Vista, FLA -- Disney World is offering the presidential candidates “fast passes” that will allow the VIP’s to cut in front of everyone else in line. Just McCain’s luck. He’s past the age limit for admittance to most of the rides.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT…

“If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come join this campaign.”

George W. Bush
2/16/2000 Hilton Head, SC

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San Pedro, CA -- Terri Kifer and Joyce Sexton won a settlement from Princess Cruises for conspiring with artist Martiros Manoukian to sell them an original painting for $71,600 during a cruise to the Baltic. The following year, they saw the same painting, an assembly line “original,” sell at auction on another Princess ship for $50,000, while neither painting was actually worth anything near the amounts paid. In their defense, Princess admitted that they often visit the same Caribbean island over and over, telling passengers it’s a different island each time.

Rome, ITALY -- Captain Massimo Rossi, chief of Italy’s Archeology Thievery Unit, announced the recovery of the head of Roman Emperor Lucias Verus, long missing from a vandalized museum statue. Good news for Ted Williams’ family, who still hope to find his missing cryogenically preserved head.

Long Beach, CA -- Jerome James was accused of smuggling a Fiji Island Iguana into the US concealed in his prosthetic leg. Almost made it, too. Then one of his toes bit another passenger.

Provo, UT -- Brigham Young University students are hosting the world’s biggest “Rock-Paper-Scissors” Tournament with a grand prize of $3000. It’s expected to draw an even larger crowd than last year’s “Hangman” Tournament.
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[] FREE E-BOOK! Excerpts from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories of a Writer for Bob Hope" are now available FREE on line. This month's installment is entitled "The Bob Hope Show in China" and recounts the comedian's history-making visit to China in July 1979, the first American entertainer allowed to tape a special in the Peoples Republic after Nixon restored diplomatic relations in 1974. In light of the Olympics and Tibet currently in the news, you'll marvel at the changes that have taken place in China over the past 30 years. Of course, there are plenty of laughs, too, so you won't want to miss these backstage stories and anecdotes. It's a great read!

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Columbia, SC -- State representative Todd Rutherford has introduced a bill to remove from state grounds the statue of 19th century governor “Pitchfork” Ben Tillman, who ordered the killing of any black who attempted to vote. In the Pitchfork’s defense -- he was a genuine fan of jazz.

Pittsburgh, PA -- The Carnegie Science Center will spend $3.4 million for an exhibition that will “pay homage to the portrayal of robots in popular culture.” Seems like there should be a less expensive way to honor Laura Bush.

Indianapolis, IND -- Lois Weber, 90, told police her new tennis shoes jammed the gas pedal of her Cadillac, causing it to crash through the wall of a McDonalds. All ended well, though. No one was injured and Lois made it to her Tai Kwon Do class.

New Haven, CONN -- A 14-year old student at Morgan School converted a disposable camera into a tazer gun which he then brought to school. He’s been suspended for ten days, but will spend the time sky diving with the parachute he made out of his back pack.
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Bay St. Louis, MISS -- Edna Mae Sanders was given life for killing her husband by dousing him with hot cooking oil while he slept.

Woburn, MASS -- James Keown has been charged with killing his wife, Julie, by spiking her Gatorade with antifreeze.

You have the feeling we should make sure these two never meet?
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