OL’ TIMES THERE SHOULD BE FORGOTTEN… Florida legislator Donald Brown has sponsored a bill allowing Confederate-themed license plates “to show pride in our heritage.” Biggest obstacle now is how to fit an entire lynch mob on a license plate.
CLOTHES CONSCIOUS… Panicking over the speed at which her campaign is imploding, aides of Hillary Clinton released a photo of Barack Obama dressed in traditional tribal garb during a 2006 visit to Kenya. Choosing the high road, Obama’s aides decided not to release their photo of Bill wearing Monica Lewinsky’s stained dress at a White House Christmas party.
FLAWED BUT INTERESTING… William F. Buckley, father of modern conservatism, has died at age 82. He also founded the National Review and hosted “Firing Line” on PBS. As a college student he opposed the US entry into WWII and defended the communist witch hunt instituted by Sen. Joseph McCarthy. Later, he suggested that AIDS victims be tattooed and believed that only educated people should be allowed to vote. In his memory, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Rielly, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingram honored him with one minute of just this kind nonsensical conservative blather.
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“I mean, I read the newspaper. I mean, I can tell you what the headlines are. I must confess, if I think the story is, like, not a fair appraisal, I’ll move on. But I know what the story’s about.”
George W. Bush 12/12/2005 Philadelphia, PA
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OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE… The Associated Press suggested the absence of an American flag pin on Barack Obama’s jacket may indicate he’s unpatriotic. Nothing that complex. How else can he avoid being mistaken for a family values, flag-wrapped Republican hypocrite?
SHANNON, MY COCKTAIL, PLEASE… Playboy will dive into the energy drink business with a concoction made from ginseng root, guarana, and damiana leaf. All of which Hef ingests in large amounts before sex and swears by.
JUNO IS BUSTING OUT ALL OVER… The Nielson ratings for the Academy Awards telecast were the lowest in the history of the event. Turned out to be No Country for Viewers -- Old or Young.
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OFF WE GO INTO THE WILD GREEN YONDER… Virgin Atlantic Airways has successfully completed the first bio fuel-powered jumbo jet flight from London to Amsterdam. And they were able to refuel in flight using fumes from the rancid Chicken Kiev served in Tourist.
MALLOX & BAGELS… Burger King will soon unveil their Angry Bacon and Cheese Whopper made with jalapeno flavored fried onions, pepper jack cheese and hot sauce. Sounds like bio fuel. (See previous item)
EXACT CHANGE REQUIRED… Relatives of a 44-year old passenger who died on an American Airlines flight to New York from Haiti claim she was denied oxygen and then given two empty tanks. Not quite what happened according to witnesses. In Tourist oxygen is available only from coin operated vending machines and the lady was fresh out of quarters.
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CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?… Scientists at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation reported in the Journal Fertility and Sterility that men who use cell phones four or more hours daily have reduced sperm counts. Nokia immediately came out with their new “One Night Stand” model which they’re advertising as a male birth control device.
MOVIN ON OUT!… Reprising the 2004 Broadway hit based on Lorraine Hansberry’s 1959 play which was later brought to the big screen, ABC will air a TV version of “A Raisin in the Sun.” Not to be confused with the McCain campaign documentary called “Prunes on the Straight Talk Express.”
COLOR PURPLE RAGE… According to US News & World Report’s “Airport Misery Index,” Chicago’s O’Hare provides the country’s most ghastly travel experience. Must be awful. Even Oprah Winfrey refuses to use it.
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FURRIER… A company called FortiFido has developed designer spring water bottled especially for dogs that comes in three flavors -- Old Shoe, Kitty Doo-Doo and Toilet.
TAIL GUNNER JOE… An American Enterprise Institute survey recently found that only 51% of 17-year olds can identify Sen. Joseph McCarthy. Even more alarming, 38% of those identified the author of “Give me liberty or give me death!” as Patrick Henry Winkler.
JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR… Tickets for any of the three masses that Pope Benedict XVI will host in New York and Washington during his visit to the US in April are extremely scarce if not completely unavailable. But if you’re really set on attending, you might try Ticketmaster -- er, sorry, I mean -- TicketLordandMaster.
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ROLL ’EM!… Vatican Secretary of State Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone flew to Havana and met with Raul Castro to mark the 10th anniversary of the pope’s last visit to Cuba. Topics discussed included leases on Church property, Fidel’s path to sainthood and renegotiation of the price Pope Ben pays for Cuban cigars.
NOT MARCHING IN… American are switching religions or leaving organized religion at an alarming rate says the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life. It’s really getting pretty scary for the God business. For the first time in history, the New Orleans Saints have more fans than the original ones.
THERE’S AN AWFUL LOT IN BRAZIL… Faced with declining sales an an economy that continues its downward spiral, Starbuck’s will soon offer a regular cup of java for $1. Great if you don’t mind using a cup with “Unhip Loser” printed on it.
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SHOP ‘TIL YOU AT LEAST GET DIZZY… A University of Texas study of evolutionary psychology found that women cope with romantic rejection by shopping. Usually for a new outfit to attract the same class of loser that just dropped her.
MOONWALKING MY BABY BACK HOME… Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch in Los Olivos, CA will be auctioned off to satisfy the $245 million he still owes on it. The successful bidder will receive the ranch house, the outbuildings, the carrousel and three slightly used, one-size-fits-all noses.
IS THAT A SCALPEL OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?… Pet owners in Los Angeles will be required to spay and neuter their animals within four months of birth or face a fine of $500 and 40 hours of community service. An addendum to the new law calls for the neutering of all Hollywood luminaries who spend more time in rehab than at PTA meetings.
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BOARDWALK DELI… Responding to complaints from the Palestinians, Hasbro apologized and withdrew “Jerusalem, Israel” from its list of cities to be used in their new World Edition Monopoly Game. Remaining, however, is a new penalty card that says “PAY $200 -- DO NOT PASS THE GOLAN HEIGHTS.”
OL’ TURKEY BUZZARD… A real estate agency in Englewood, FL is offering champagne limousine tours of homes with foreclosed mortgages along with instructions on snapping up someone else’s misfortune at bargain basement prices. “We’re just responding to public demand. It’s nothing personal,” said Phil Carrion, V.P. in charge of Century 21’s new subsidiary “Vultures-R-Us.”
ELDER ABUSE… McCain told his supporters, “I hope Castro dies soon.” Aides say he’s mad because Warner Bros. wants to team him up with Fidel for a sequel to “The Bucket List.”
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
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B.O. POISON… Since the 2003 box office success of Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ,” there have been no profitable films based on religious themes. Says religious author and broadcaster Dick Staub “Hollywood producers have no clue how conservative religious people think.” Maybe they should ease up on the prayer in classrooms and concentrate on theaters.
DESIGNATED TENANT… A property owner near the campus of Minnesota’s St. Cloud State University will not rent to students until they complete an alcohol awareness course on the dangers of binge drinking. Seems he learned his lesson the hard way after renting a frat house to Delta Kappa Smirnoff.
NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY… On the final stop of his five-country tour of Africa, Bush told the victims of war-torn Liberia “It’s easier to tear a country down than it is to rebuild a country.” Really easy when you get on-the-job training.
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“We need to apply 21st century information technology to the health care field. We need to have our medical records put on the I.T.”
George W. Bush 1/5/2005 Collinsville, Ill.
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NO COMMENTO, POR FAVOR… L.A. mayor Villaraigosa’s former mistress, Mirthala Salinas, sacked as a field reporter for Telemundo when their relationship came to light, has landed a job at a Spanish language radio station. Though refusing to comment on her affair with the married politico, the name of her new show seems telling: “Good Morning, Antonio!”
DECAFFEINATED… Starbucks plans to eliminate 600 jobs from its 170,000 workforce. Mostly non-essential staff such as cardboard heat sleeve inspectors… espresso foam controllers… undercover aroma evaluators…
LOVE BOAT LAWMAN… The California Legislature is considering a bill that would require cruise ships departing from west coast ports to have a police officer aboard to investigate crimes committed at sea. An addendum to the measure would require armed guards from Jenny Craig to monitor the Midnight Buffet.
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SEALY POSTURPEDICS… McCain is vehemently denying allegations contained in a New York Times article that claims he was engaging in sexual hanky panky with a lobbyist while supporting legislation in the Senate that she was championing. Ridiculous! Not to mention physically impossible. Everyone in Washington knows Jack was in bed with so many lobbyists at the time, his hanky would have no doubt become tangled up in someone else’s panky.
YOU WIN THE CUPIE DOLL!… In a rare display of military precision, a sea-to-air missile fired from the cruiser USS Lake Erie successfully shot down a 500 pound, bus sized spy satellite that had threatened to plunge to earth uncontrolled. A Navy spokesman, attempting to explain in laymen’s terms the technical difficulties inherent in such a launch, compared it to Dick Cheney trying to get a bead on a hunting buddy after a couple of beers while relying on a pacemaker with low batteries.
ROYAL FLUSH… Mohamed Fayed, father of Princess Di’s fiance, Doti, testified at an inquest into their deaths that the British royal family conspired to have them killed, accusing Prince Philip of being a “racist” and a “Nazi” and that Prince Charles “participated in the conspiracy in order to be free to marry his crocodile wife, Camilla Parker Bowles.” Well, Harrod’s or no Harrod’s, he can kiss that knighthood goodbye.
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ATSA SPICY MEAT BALL!… Capping an intensive investigation and months of clandestine surveillance, Italian police in Reggio Calabria arrested organized crime syndicate boss Pasquale Condello, who had been eluding capture since 1988. For decades, he was considered to be Italy’s most notorious fugitive -- unless you count pedophile priest juggler Cardinal Bernie Law who sought sanctuary in the Vatican and got it.
CAMELOTTO… The Dallas, TX District Attorney has released the contents of a safe sealed in 1963 and containing items collected after the Kennedy assassination. Nothing much here unless -- no, I’m sure it’s nothing -- unless that check for $500,000 made out to Lee Harvey Oswald and signed by LBJ turns out to be something.
CODE BLUE!… On February 26, Starbuck’s will close all 7100 stores between 5:30 and 8:30 pm to retrain its 135,000 employees in company procedures, executing which, some had become sloppy. The US Surgeon General has ordered all ER’s at major hospitals and clinics to provide free espresso IV’s and cappuccino suppositories to qualified Medicare recipients.
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ARE WE THERE YET?… During his current tour of Africa, Bush was entertained by Masai warriors in Tanzania as he promoted a $425 million US-sponsored program to eradicate malaria. But aides said later he was crestfallen when the Secret Service denied his request to visit the birthplace of Little Richard and tour the set of “Mogambo.”
CLOSE CALL… One hundred and one years ago this week, President Teddy Roosevelt signed the Immigration Bill which excluded “idiots, imbeciles, and the feeble minded.” Think Bush realizes how lucky he was being born here?
AL QAEDASCOPE… Carl Rove told an interviewer that “Years from now, people will thank God that Bush invaded Iraq.” Unfortunately, they’ll be kneeling on prayer rugs, adjusting their dynamite vests, and facing Mecca… but…
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“Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.”
George W. Bush 12/20/2000 Washington, DC
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BABALOO… Within an hour after Fidel Castro announced his retirement, John McCain declared the Bay of Pigs a success. Hey, as you recall, he had predicted it would take at least 100 years.
BRAIN GAMES… A new study shows that women focus on weather, health and safety while men prefer to think about sports, politics and international affairs. And that’s just during sex.
OH, THANK HEAVEN… According to the Immigration and Naturalization Service, 270,000 immigrants from India have remained in the US illegally by failing to comply with the terms of their visas -- a 125% rise since 2000. May be a coincidence, but the number of new 7-Elevens has gone up by the same percentage.
CARUMBA… In the wake of Castro’s retirement, cruise lines are poised to pressure the Democratic congress to open Cuba to American tourists. Royal-Caribbean has already launched their new 2500-passenger “SS Lucy and Desi.”
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GILDING THE CAGE… Martha Stewart Omnimedia has purchased Emeril Lagasse cookbooks, TV shows and line of kitchen products for $50 million. Martha has high hopes for a cookbook she’s currently co-writing with Emeril aimed at prison inmates entitled “Stirring the Pot While in Stir.”
STOGIES 1-A… A new CDC study shows that 14% of high school students in the US smoke cigars. Most popular is the “Clinton-Lewinsky Panatela” from Tiperillo.
PUT ‘ER THERE, PAL!… A female lawyer in Florida has been charged with assaulting her husband’s courtroom prosecutor by shaking his hand so hard, she dislocated his shoulder. I know what you’re thinking -- snakes have shoulders? They can shake hands?
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's
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SPLIT SCREEN… New “Dancing With the Stars” contestants include radio host Adam Corolla, comedian Steve Guttenberg, tennis star Monica Seles, ice skater Kristie Yamaguchi and magician Penn Jillette. But producers are having trouble finding a partner for Penn. He keeps sawing them in half.
GOOD VIBES… The 105th annual International Toy Fair capped a successful week in New York City. Most positive buzz came from Mattel’s new line of “Boudoir Barbie” sex toys.
HOLY PICES!… The Florida Board of Education will soon decide whether evolution should be taught as mere theory or as imperial fact. You know, based on verifiable scientific evidence -- like, say, astrology.
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
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(866) 732-3585
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DIVE! DIVE! -- Swiss auto designer Rinspeed, Inc. has unveiled the “SQUBA,” a land-water car able to reach 71 mph on land and 1.3 mph submerged. It’s currently available in only two models, the Jacques Cousteau and the Jules Verne in three colors, lobster red, seaweed black and opaque jellyfish. Optional underwater accessories include a front bumper octopus guard, front and rear periscopes and special, heavy-duty off coral tires.
EMBALMED… FEMA has recalled 35,000 travel trailers after they were found to contain unhealthy formaldehyde levels five times that which is considered normal. They have issued these warning signs that your home may be in danger:
1] Neighbors have taken to calling you “The Coroner.”
2] Your microwave has three settings: “regular,” “defrost” and “decompose.”
3] Your stereo will only play “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.”
4] The local high school rents space in your garage to store dead frogs.
5] Your home is tented annually for maggots.
PHONETIC… Bush’s tour of Africa will include stops at Benin, Tanzania, Rwanda, Ghana and Liberia. The nitwit has no particular reason to visit these cities, but they were the only ones he could pronounce.
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“I’m looking for a good night’s sleep on the soil of a friend.”
George W. Bush 6/28/2005 On a visit to Denmark
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VROOOOM… Wilson’s Leather will cut 1000 jobs and close 162 stores nationwide. May not mean much to you, but Hell Angels members have been placed on a precautionary round-the-clock suicide watch.
SEX & THE CITY… Curators at Zoo Atlanta have announced that they will again attempt to mate their pair of Giant Pandas on loan from China as soon as the cub born last year is weaned. To aid in the process, they plan to show the pair outdoor x-rated panda films like “Deep Trout,” introduce them to bamboo vibrators and centerfolds from “Play Panda Magazine” and offer them counseling from sex advice guru Dr. Ruth Pandaheimer.
DUCK! -- McCain told Larry King that he’d be proud to have Bush join him on the campaign trail. Of course, Skippy would be required to wear a flack jacket, a ski mask and travel under an assumed name, but, hey…
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“You work three jobs? That’s uniquely American, isn’t it? I mean, that is fantastic that you’re doing that.”
George W. Bush 2/4/2005 Omaha, NEB
[] For hundreds of authentic, moronic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
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MAMMY… A group of conservative rabbis have appealed to Pope Benedict XVI to clarify the Good Friday prayer he recently approved that asks God to “help the Jews acknowledge Jesus Christ as the Savior.” Or Al Jolson as the greatest entertainer of all time.
HEY, HEY, HEY… Henry Winkler testified in the wrongful death civil suit brought against the doctors who failed to recognize the aortic rupture that killed John Ritter. Actually, not much spoken testimony -- mostly finger snapping.
JARHEAD COUNT… The city council in Berkeley, CA approved a resolution declaring the Marine Corps, seeking to establish a recruiting office near the campus of the University of California, “unwelcome intruders.” The Corps immediately responded by amending their hymn which now goes “From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Berkeley… “
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“In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn’t serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences.”
George W. Bush 2/8/2004 “Meet the Press”
[] For hundreds of authentic, idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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SQUEEZED… The Senate Ethics Committee has issued a formal censure of Larry Craig, accusing him of “improper conduct that reflects discreditably upon the chamber.” To underscore their displeasure with their “I am not gay” colleague, they had the censure printed on a long strip of Charmin.
BONZAI!… Antonin Scalia dropped a bombshell during an interview with a BBC reporter in London when he declared that “sticking something under the fingernails or a smack in the face” would not violate constitutional prohibitions of cruel or unusual punishment. He then demonstrated his position by jamming a sharpened bamboo shoot left over from his chicken teriyaki lunch under the thumbnail of his clerk, Guido “Stumpy Digits” Frappitini.
WILL YOU STILL LOVE ME?… In news from across the pond, the five-day Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce trial got underway in London to divide up the couple’s assets, estimated to be $1.6 billion. At the Old Baileys’ Magistrate Court of Obscenely Excessive Rock ’N’ Roll Fortunes.
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G’DAY, MATE!… Australia has formally apologized to its indigenous Aborigines “for inflicting profound grief” upon them. But so far, no “I’m sorry” for inflicting Mel Gibson upon us.
FRAMED… Robbers broke into a Zurich art museum and made off with “Poppy Field at Vetheuil” by Monet, “Blooming Chestnut Branches” by van Gogh, “Boy in the Red Waist Coat” by Cezanne, and “Ludovic Lepic and His Daughters” by Degas. Police are now examining “Art Heist Caught on Surveillance Camera” by Hitachi.
DUCK!… Two Russian Tupolev 95 bombers from Ukrainka flew threateningly close to a US aircraft carrier in the western Pacific. So close, one of them almost clipped the “Mission Accomplished” sign still draped across the flight deck.
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SECRETARY OF THREADS… In an attempt to steady a campaign that’s suddenly floundering, Hillary Clinton sacked her campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle and replaced her with Maggie Williams. But Hill insists that Patti will remain an important member of her staff -- as her new Pant Suit Color Coordinator.
HAIL TO THE CHIEF… Huckabee claims he’s more qualified than McCain to become commander-in-chief because he commanded the Arkansas National Guard as governor. True. He led the elite 118th Little Rock Fusiliers when they invaded Memphis, surrounded Graceland, and forced Col. Parker to surrender Elvis.
WHEELS OF MISFORTUNE… Drivers of non-fuel efficient vehicles like Rolls Royces and Bentleys will be charged $50 a day to enter central London. More if Amy Winehouse is behind the wheel.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am PT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour news radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org
password: independence
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SIBLING REVELRY… Police in Malibu, CA booked Barron Nicholas Hilton, brother of Paris, on a DUI charge after spotting his Mercedes weaving erratically. The Barron explained to the arresting officers that he resorted to mind-numbing substances after watching Sissy’s new movie.
CHINESE CHECKER… Steven Spielberg has resigned as “artistic advisor” to the 2008 Summer Games in Beijing, citing the Chinese government’s policies in Sudan and Darfur. Steve was already mad at them for allowing scenes from “Jaws” to be used without permission to promote shark fin soup in Shanghai’s Five Star restaurant district.
HEIMLICH TIME… In his quest to miss the cut at last weekend‘s AT&T National Pro-Am in Pebble Beach, Phil Mickelson posted an 11 on the par five 14th . At the same time, Greg Norman was also choking, but he was choking on Crissy Evert.
ROLLIN,’ ROLLIN,’ ROLLIN’… Some of the 75,000 travel trailers purchased for the victims of Katrina will be used to provide housing for tornado survivors in Arkansas and Tennessee. All are 32-foot “Great Job, Brownie” models from Winnebago Industries.
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
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(866) 732-3585
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SUB ZERO… Testifying before a congressional committee investigating use of performance enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball, trainer Brian McNamee produced syringes, gauze and vials of steroids he claims he injected into Roger Clemens and has had stored in his freezer since 2001. Next to his stack of “Swanson Over-Medicated Man” TV Dinners.
BALLOON TIME… A carriage believed to have transported Abraham Lincoln to Ford’s Theater the night he was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth has been restored and placed on display at the Studebaker National Museum in South Bend, Indiana -- next to a buckboard believed to have been driven by Gen. Ulysses S. Grant the night he was pulled over by a DC unicycle officer and charged with DUI.
D.O.A. -- The budget that Bush sent to Congress last week includes $12 million for a parachute repair shop in Aviano, Italy, $330 million to eradicate the brown apple moth, the emerald ash borer and the sirex wood wasp and $6.5 million to study the fundamental properties of asphalt. And he also included some wasteful, frivolous items.
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“We’re spending money on clean coal technology. Do you realize we’ve got 250 million years of coal?”
George W. Bush 6.8/2005 Washington, DC
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MISADVENTURE… After eight years of disappointing ticket sales at its built-on-the-cheap “California Adventure” theme park, Disney will spend $1.1 billion on a five-year renovation plan to transform the attraction into a “Toy Story” inspired wonderland featuring kid-friendly sites like “Woody’s Rootin’ Tootin’ Shootin’ Gallery” and “Buzz Light Year’s Space Ship.” On the new “Mr. Potato Head” ride, children as young as two will be strapped into bumper cars and allowed to drive into a giant replica of Don Rickles’ mouth.
DUCAT JUNCTION… Jet Set Sports, the official US ticket agent for the upcoming Beijing Olympic Games is offering hotel and event admission packages that range from $3,000 to $30,000. Tickets to the Opening Ceremony are priced at $773. But according to most travel agents familiar with China, a visitor should be able to score some pretty convincing knockoffs.
GOT YOU, BABE… Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas has signed Bette Midler and Cher to replace the departing Celine Dion. Bette will perform her regular act but Cher plans to mount a full bangles & feathers review featuring a revolving stage, an elevator for her entrance and nude male and female dancer/backup singers. The two hour show will be called “Hallelujah Cosmetic Surgery!”
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FINITO… Despite spending $50 million on a well-organized campaign, Romney discovers that money won’t buy votes from people who perceive you as being made of plastic. According to campaign insiders, Mitt’s decision to flick it in was sealed when he failed to come to terms with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to perform at his inauguration.
O.A.C… Unable to remain competitive with Obama’s fund-raising, Hillary has dipped into her own funds, loaning $5 million to the campaign. No word on what her bank required as security, but yesterday Bill was spotted wearing an ankle bracelet.
ANCHOR BOY… McCain told “Meet the Press” that he doesn’t understand economics. He also predicted that US forces would still be in Iraq 100 years from now. Hey, Jack is the first to admit that he’s not the sharpest pin on the bulletin board, having graduated near the bottom of his class at Annapolis. In fact, his grades were so bad, when the graduates tossed their hats in the air, his didn’t come back.
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“And the other lesson is that there are people who can’t stand what America stands for, and desire to conflict great harm on the American people.”
George W. Bush 8/1/2003 Pittsburgh, PA
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LIARS ANONYMOUS… The director of the CIA admitted to a congressional committee that waterboarding was used to interrogate al-Qaeda suspects at Guantanamo, “reinterpreting” his previous testimony. He explained that when he was first questioned, he thought they said “surfboarding.”
THOSE WHO CAN’T, TEACH… In an attempt to improve on failed US efforts to rebuild the war torn country, the Bush administration is funding a training program for the Iraqi government that will provide instruction on budget management, purchasing goods and services through competitive bidding and recruiting and maintaining a workforce. The Pentagon has named the program “Operation Blind Leading the Blind.”
BRADY’S BUNCH… Following their upset defeat by the New York Giants in the Super Bowl, New England Patriot’s fans are blaming quarterback Tom Brady’s poor performance on his girlfriend, supermodel Giselle Bundchen. It was obvious. Too much pre-game bundchening.
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RODENT ROSTER… On the eve of China’s “Year of the Rat,” The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals petitioned the Peoples Republic of China to improve conditions at scientific research facilities and to require more humane use of laboratory rats. You can contribute too. Take a lawyer to lunch.
LATTE WITH SPRINKLES… To counter increasing competition from McDonald’s, Starbuck’s will introduce a new line of “designer donuts” including chocolate, vanilla, caramel and apple fritter. To preserve their exclusive image, they’ll be sold only to cops from elite agencies like the FBI, Scotland Yard, the Surete, Interpol…
FRIENDLY SKIES… New York’s JFK Airport is the first major US hub to provide vending machines offering kosher items like potato knish, mozzarella sticks, onion rings, and pizza rolls. If the machines are profitable, next they’ll offer brisses performed by Hari Krishnas.
GREAT TO BEAT YOUR FEET… The Mississippi legislature is considering a bill that would penalize restaurants that serve the obese who make up 30% of the state’s population. Where will it end? Overweight customers without shoes are already required to use the drive-thru.
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STAIR STEP… An Australian woman won New York’s annual Empire State Building Run Up, covering the building’s 86 stories and 1576 steps in 12 minutes, 44 seconds -- shaving six seconds from the previous record set by Larry Craig while trying to find an unlocked men’s room.
PROBLEMS, HOUSTON… Recognizing a need to burnish an image tarnished by aberrant behavior of rogue astronauts, NASA now requires job applicants to demonstrate, along with their piloting skills, good judgment, a sense of humor and empathy toward others. They must be serious. They’ve hired Dr. Phil to conduct the interviews.
RIGHT AWAY, SAHIB… Working entirely by phone from offices in Bangalore and Hyderabad, India, “TTK Get Friday” provides personal assistants for clients in the US. Great if you do most of your business in a 7-Eleven.
DITTOHEAD… The death of actor Heath Ledger has been officially attributed to a deadly mix of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, diazepam, alprazolam and doxylamine. Heath’s friends were shocked to say the least. They had no idea that he even KNEW Rush Limbaugh.
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[] Did you know you have free access to our on-line dictionary/thesaurus/encyclopedia?
It’s located just below “Word of the Day.”
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STAGETTES… Bush daughter Jenna, scheduled to tie the knot with b.f. Henry Hager in the spring, was honored last week with a wedding shower hosted by old school chums in the family quarters of the White House that featured gifts and entertainment. The girls would have preferred Chippendale dancers but, thanks to Secret Service restrictions, they had to make do with Dick Cheney jumping out of a cake clad only in his duck hunting waders and a dickie.
CHIMES… Amid tightened security that limited guests to immediate family, twice-divorced French President Nicolas Sarkozy wed supermodel Carla Bruni at the historic Elysee Palace in Paris less that four months after shedding his former first lady, Cecilia. No surprise here. Sarkozy is a French word that in Italian is pronounced “Giuliani.”
PLAY FAIR… Major General Jeffrey Hammond, top Army honcho in Baghdad, said of Friday’s market bombing that killed 99, “It appears the suicide bombers were not willing martyrs.” Not legitimately enlisted as the rules of combat dictate -- like, for instance, high school dropouts lured by signing bonuses to a recruiting office in a Nashville shopping mall.
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“It’s in our country’s interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm’s way.”
George W. Bush 4/28/2005 Washington, DC
For hundreds of authentic, idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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MATCHLESS… For the first time since military operations began, and in a long awaited response to the severe burns often suffered by troops caught in IED attacks, the Army will issue flame-retardant combat uniforms to all ground forces heading to Iraq. They’ll be made of the same fireproof material the State Department had to develop for their embassy flags.
DUBLIN OVER… The “Raindance,” a ferry carrying 23 people, was grounded by 30-foot waves, while 70-mph winds in the Irish Sea caused it to list 45 degrees. On the plus side, none of the Irishmen aboard noticed.
DOO BEE DOO BEE DOO… Marking the tenth anniversary of his death, New Jersey has declared May “Frank Sinatra Month.” Internationally, officials in Palermo have instructed all consigliore to postpone any hits scheduled between April 30 and June 1.
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BORDERS.COM… Beginning this week, Americans crossing the border into Canada will be required to produce proof of citizenship. Acceptable documents include a birth certificate, a passport, a drivers license or a note from Alex Trebek.
HOLD MY HAND… The new Four-Star “Hard Day’s Night Hotel” in Liverpool celebrates the home of the Beatles and offers Fab Four-themed rooms ranging from $340-a-night singles to the ultra swank $1300 penthouse suite. Which includes a Yellow Submarine jukebox, a white grand piano, a fully-stocked bar, and Yoko Ono.
PILLOW TALK… Bowing to complaints from parents, Woolworth’s in England recalled their “Lolita Beds” that were being marketed for 6-year olds. Reminiscent of Eddie Bauer’s 1984 recall of their Roman Polanski “Slumber Party” sleeping bags aimed at Girl Scouts.
SHIPPING & HANDLING… New York is the first American city to adopt “congestion pricing,” introduced in Europe to discourage gridlock in traffic-choked sections of downtown areas. While there will now be a charge to drive into parts of Manhattan, the hookers have agreed to deduct the $8 from their fee.
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"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
