THANKS, BUT... Bush offers to share American intelligence with Turkey to help them track the PKK rebels “using modern technology.” Pardon me, but isn't that a little like Giuliani offering to share his marriage tips?
FAMILY TIES... For the first time in the history of the Gallup Poll, 50% of Americans say they “strongly disapprove” of their president, displacing the 48% Nixon got during his impeachment hearings. But on a brighter note for George and Laura, 72% said they think the twins are less obnoxious than the Nixon girls, Trish and Julie.
HANDS DOWN... Seems nobody likes Bush. Even his urologist is outsourcing his digital prostate exams.
“And so, in my State of the---my State of the Union---or State---my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation---I asked Americans to give 4,000 years---4,000 hours over the next---the rest of your life---of service to America. That's what I asked---4,000 hours.”
George W. Bush 4/3/01 Bridgeport, CT
ALOHA OI VEY... Despite vigorous opposition from animal rights groups, a court in Hawaii lifted an injunction against the 349 foot “Super Ferry” that will sail between Oahu, Maui and Konai, crossing through the Humpback Whale Natural Marine Sanctuary. Ferry owners were willing to compromise, though. They replaced the engines with 250 Samoans with oars.
AND THEY'RE OFF!... A federal judge in Lexington, KY struck down an exemption from a smoking ban granted to owners of Churchill Downs Raceway. Bad news for health care groups who were planning to burn several tobacco company executives in effigy during the Kentucky Derby.
SIDE BY SIDE... Thomas Dawes, the jingle writer who came up with Alka-Seltzer's “Plop-Plop, Fizz, Fizz” commercial, has passed away in New York. Following a brief memorial service in the lobby of Bristol-Meyers' corporate headquarters in Indianapolis, he was laid to rest in a grave next to that guy who couldn't believe he ate the whole thing.
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PLAY BALL!... Four star players from Beijing's China League have been signed by major league ball clubs. And they're hard workers. A half hour after a game, they want to play another one.
GOING, GOING... GONE?... Major League team owners have voted to explore the possibility of using instant replay to aid umpires after close calls. A proposal to place Barry Bonds under 24-7 surveillance was rejected.
HOG HEAVEN... Rosie O'Donnell is in negotiations to host an afternoon talk show on MSNBC. Actually, more of a game show format. It'll be called “Are You Smarter Than Elizabeth Hasselhoff?”
“If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all.”
George W. Bush 5/22/01 Washington, DC
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PAPAL NUNZIOS... Longtime fugitive, Mafia “boss-of-bosses” Salvatore Lo Piccolo was arrested in Sicily during a police raid on a summit meeting of local dons. Their cover almost worked. They dressed up as cardinals and told the cops they were in town to canonize Mother Teresa.
HOG HEAVEN... National Safety Council figures show that 81% of all motorcycle collisions result in death or injury of the cyclist. Instructors at the Harley Institute of Safe Biking in Duluth routinely instruct neophytes that the only air bag they can rely on is a fat girlfriend.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH... Rocker Meatloaf was recalled from his European tour after traces of e. Coli were found in his dressing room.
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