Friday 11/30/07

STONE CUTTERS… While visiting George Washington University Hospital for treatment of a persistent cough, Dick Cheney was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat which was stabilized with electric shock treatment. Actually, his doctors opted for a less invasive procedure to induce shock. They anesthetized him, woke him up, and told him he shot Sean Taylor while hunting.

INTENSIVE CARE… Men’s Health Magazine has ranked their “20 Worst Foods in America” with Aussie Cheese Fries from The Outback topping the artery-clogging list with 2900 calories and 182 fat grams. In hot pursuit and not far behind:

2] Denny’s Grand Mal Seizure Breakfast
3] Appleby’s Macadamia Nut & Caramelized Pork Rind Salad.
4] T. G. Friday’s Deep Fried Lard-On-A-Stick.

McBELCH… McDonald’s has rolled out their new “McSkillet Burrito” which comes with a foil-wrapped packet of “McTums” or, with the supersized version, “McMaalox.”

_______________________________________________

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KNARLY HARLEY… Archeologists in Valley of the Kings, Egypt have discovered eighteen broken bones in the body of King Tut. Which pretty much explains that tattered leather jacket they found under him with “Evel Tut” embroidered on the back.

SEAT WARMER… Lance Armstrong is rumored to be romantically involved with Olsen Twin, Mary Kate. According to a reliable source, they met when he mistook her for one of his bikes and tried to mount her on the back of his SUV.

BAPTISM… J. Robert Cade, the inventor of Gatorade, which has earned $150 million in royalties for the University of Florida where he was a researcher, has died at age 80. Bob will be cremated and, in accordance with his final wishes, his ashes will be dissolved in a tub of Gatorade and dumped on the winning coach at the Super Bowl.

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“I strongly believe we’re doing the right thing. If I didn’t believe it --- I’m going to repeat what I said before --- I’d pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out.”

George W. Bush 4/6/06 Charlotte, NC

[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com

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SAM’S CLUB… Time Magazine reports that 400,000 Americans live full time in a motor home, most of them buying luxury coaches in the $300,000 to $1,000,000 price range. Next time you’re behind one on the freeway, consider this: it’s probably being driven by a 77-year old retired dentist from Keokuk with a heart in about the same shape as Cheney’s whose only training was watching Robin Williams in “RV.” For God‘s sake, don‘t try to pass him!”

AQUATICS… The Catholic League, anti-bias watchdogs for the Vatican, has demanded that Newline Cinema delay the December release of “The Golden Compass,” the movie version of British author Philip Pullman’s book on the grounds that it depicts the pope and his bishops, called “the Magisterium,” as “an ominous controlling governmental authority seeking to eliminate free will.” New Line is holding fast to its scheduled release date, but has offered to cut the pope’s water boarding scene.

S.O.S….While on a 19-day Antarctic voyage tracing the route taken by explorer Ernest Henry Shackleton, the 38 year old cruise ship Explorer sank after hitting an iceberg near King George Island. The 154 passengers and crew boarded lifeboats and were adrift for six hours before being rescued by a Norwegian vessel. All survived. The disaster immediately recalled the sinking of the Titanic under almost identical conditions, but further examination revealed many dissimilarities:

1] The Explorer didn’t have an arrogant, fate-tempting name that rhymed with “Gigantic.”
2] The Explorer didn‘t describe herself as “Unsinkable” --- just “As safe as we could build her.”
3] Explorer’s owner was not on board, determined to win a race with a competing cruise line.
4] Explorer’s iceberg spotter had reliable binoculars.
5] Explorer’s radio operator recognized the Morse code for “Iceberg!”
6] Explorer’s captain wasn’t asleep in his bunk.
7] Explorer’s band was not ordered to play “Nearer My God To Thee” --- but rather “We Shall Overcome.”
8] Explorer’s crew members weren’t the first ones in the lifeboats.
9] None of Explorer’s crew dressed up as women.
10] Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet don’t want to co-star in a movie about Explorer.

Monday 11/26/07

SUCH SWEET SORROW… Banned from sale in the United States since 1912, absinthe has been approved by the FDA. The 100+ proof, distilled from worm wood aperitif, was once described by Oscar Wilde as “… producing the ability to see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.” Absinthe was the liquor of choice among 19th century French Bohemians and is widely believed to have been a major contributor to Vincent Van Gogh’s decision to lop off his ear. However, contrary to centuries-old belief, there appears to be no empirical evidence that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

WORD PLAY… Film stars Michael York, Stacey Keach, Louis Gossett, Jr., Terence Stamp and Oscar-winner Marisa Tomei voice the biblical characters in an audio CD of the King James version of the New Testament. Titled “Word of Promise,” the boxed set sells for $49.99. Major credit here goes to the William Morris Agency who, after decades of unsuccessful attempts, were finally able to sign Jesus as a client. After the Big Guy caved, the others quickly followed --- Peter, Paul, Mary Magdalaine --- who wanted to be billed on the promotional tour as “Peter, Paul and Mary,” but were dissuaded by Morris’s legal department which also was instrumental in convincing Moses that he couldn’t have his contract carved on stone tablets.

HOORAY NRA … A 24-year old firearms enthusiast accidentally deposited a fatal bullet in his head while preparing to get in some target practice at a Riverside, CA firing range. The unfortunate incident provides even further evidence, if such be necessary, that “Guns don’t kill people. People practicing to kill people with a gun kill people.”
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“It was a day in paradise.”

Fred Thompson 11/24/07 At a Ladson, SC gun show

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PRELUDE TO ‘08?... In a major repudiation of Bush and his policies, Australians overwhelmingly rejected Prime Minister John Howard at the polls and elected leftist Paul Rudd to replace him. Rudd immediately issued a statement that his first act as PM would be to withdraw all troops from Iraq and sign the Keyoto Protocol, leaving the US the lone holdout. Rudd means business. He’s even demanded that Bush return the Australian sheepskin seat cover on his bicycle.

ANATOMICALLY CORRECT… One2believe.com offers Moses and Mary dolls at $20 a copy. Press a button on her back and Mary announces “With God, all things are possible.” For $30, she’ll add two choruses of the Notre Dame fight song.

RESTED, ROBED & READY… The pope has consecrated 23 new cardinals. Reported AP: “To the applause of the crowd, each knelt down before Benedict, who from a gilded papal throne on the altar of St. Peter’s Basilica, placed a red hat on each man’s head. Tomorrow, he’ll give each new “prince” of the Church his cardinal’s ring.” Gone unreported are the numerous perks that accompany the elevation, including:

1] Upgrade to First Class on papal air carrier Blessed Virgin Atlantic
2] Two-For-One coupons at Papa John XXIII’s Pizza in Castle Gondolfo
3] Unlimited 900 calls and Latin text messaging
4] Penthouse suites at Vatican’s hotel chain, Day’s Room at the Inn
5] Cut rate ecclesiastical outfits at official Church clothier, Immaculate Hart, Shaftner & Marx

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“I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport.”

George W. Bush 10/3/01 Washington, DC
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Friday 11/23/07

CONDOMONIUM… Olympic officials have announced that free condoms will be supplied in all Beijing hotel rooms during the 2008 Games. Nice gesture, but since they’re endorsed by the Chinese government, they only prevent female births.

GREGORY PECKED… Pope Benedict XVI has issued an order banning “popular music” in all Vatican buildings -- including those decadent Gregorian chants ground out by that depraved order of monks between 675 and 750 AD.

HO, HO, HO… Bob Barker has been chosen as the Grand Marshal of this year’s revamped Hollywood Santa Parade. And Barker drove a hard bargain. Santa had to agree to get a vasectomy.

EMPTY PROMISE… There is new evidence that the Pentagon has underreported cases of brain injuries sustained by the military in Iraq and Afghanistan by 20,000 cases. Twenty thousand and one if you count their brain-dead commander-in-chief.
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“I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome.”

George W. Bush 12/12/05 Philadelphia, PA
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[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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LAY-DEE!… Former French president Jacques Chirac is under investigation for awarding phony jobs to cronies while serving as mayor of Paris for 18 years. Officials became suspicious when they noticed the manager of the Eiffel Tower is Jerry Lewis.

WE’RE OFF TO SEE… Midgets and dwarfs who played the Munchkins in 1939’s “Wizard of Oz” have been awarded a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. But there was an unfortunate accident during the installation ceremony in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. Three of them fell into one of the footprints.

DOOR JAMMERS… Democratic senators are standing “sentry duty” in their chambers during the Thanksgiving holiday to prevent Bush from sneaking back to make recess appointments of unqualified nominees for vacant positions. Cheney is easier to keep track of. They put a 24 hour GPS monitor on his pacemaker.
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“Unfairly but truthfully, our party has been tagged as being against things. Anti-immigrant, for example. And we’re not a party of anti-immigrants. Quite the opposite. We’re a party that welcomes people.”

George W. Bush 7/01/00 Cleveland, OH
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FAMILY TREE… An infestation of wild pigs is damaging farms, fields and woodlands throughout Texas. Zoologists have traced the destructive species to a single pair of hogs imported from Africa in 1784 that appear to be distant relatives of Tom DeLay.

BUZZ CUT… Hundreds of Christmas trees harvested from forests in the northwest and shipped to Honolulu arrived infested with wasps. Which were immediately rounded up and sold to tourists as “interactive ornaments.”

THRONE POEM… Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. It must be remembered, though, that 60 is only twelve in Camilla Parker Bowles years.
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________________________________________________

PIT STOP… Pennys gave post-Thanksgiving shoppers a head start by opening their doors at 4 am. Which is great for the gals, but if a guy is in the doorway of a Pennys at 4 am, he’s usually taking a leak.

TOT TOGS… Proudnewbabywear.com offers clothes for toddlers with inscriptions on them like “What happens at Grandma’s, stays at Grandma’s.” They even have one for newborns that says “Nine months all alone in there and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

FLORA & FAUNA… The roof of Bill Clinton’s presidential library in Little Rock is planted with energy-saving strawberries, ferns, switch grass and other greenery. Three times daily, Monica Lewinsky presents an excerpt from “Swan Lake” accompanied by the theme from “Fantasia.”

SLEIGH TRAILER… The US Postal Service now requires volunteers who answer letters to Santa to sign a liability release and provide a photo ID. They wanted Santa to wear an ankle bracelet but the ACLU complained.

Wednesday 11/21/07

PRAZE D’LAWD… Romney says “Jesus Christ is my personal lord and savior“… Obama promises that he’ll be “an instrument of God”… McCain says “Christianity is an important part of our qualifications to lead”… and Hillary claims she experiences “the presence of the Holy Spirit on many occasions.” If Jesus isn’t collecting hefty royalties from all this, he’s the least business savvy redeemer in history.

OLE, PEPE!… The 200-torreador strong “Original Bullfighting Dwarfs” are popular additions to fairs and festivals throughout Mexico. And in the winter, they sneak across the Rio Grande to take the dwarf bullfighting jobs American dwarfs are unwilling to do.

UPRIGHT POSITION… The St. Louis airport has installed rocking chairs for passengers awaiting flights. Those in the Jet Blue waiting area can be delayed up to eight hours before being allowed to rock.
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“We’ve tripled the amount of money --- I believe it’s from $50 million up to $195 million available.”

George W. Bush 3/23/02 Lima, Peru
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GUTTENBERG’S RETREAT… A recent study conducted by the National Endowment of the Arts shows that less than 38% of Americans read at least one book for pleasure last year. Zero percent of sitting presidents.

GROSSLY PANDEMIC… The holiday classic “Love in the Time of Cholera” opened nationwide to a paltry $1.9 million. Prompting the producers to rethink the planned sequel, “Four Weddings and the Black Plague.”

BIONIC COLONIC… Viewers who tuned in for the second week of NBC’s mega-hyped “Bionic Woman” dropped 50%. Her fate is even worse than cancellation. She’s going to be disassembled.
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RHYME MANGLERS… Voted best new rap hip hop band at this week’s “American Music Awards” was “Bone, Thugs-n-Harmony.” They barely edged out “Skin, Blood-n-Pointless Noise.”

YOU HAVE MAIL… A new book containing 289 letters exchanged between John Adams and his wife Abigail written during the founding of the republic was released this week. But the authenticity of “Dearest Friend: Letters of Abigail and John Adams” is facing a serious challenge. They were e-mails.

PAPER TIGER… Character actor Dick Wilson, who as Mr. Whipple pleaded with shoppers to “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin” from 1964 to 1985, has died at age 91. He lived out his life in relative obscurity after being fired by Kimberly-Clark for having an illicit affair with Madge the Manicurist.
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“It’s in our country’s interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm’s way.”

George W. Bush 4/28/05 Washington DC
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Monday 11/19/07

NO PRENUP… A wife in Miniola, NY is claiming that the church her husband founded should be considered community property in their divorce proceedings, citing as precedent the groundbreaking 1708 case in which the wife of Pope Valvoline XIV was ordered to convey to his estranged wife a half interest in his popular “Sodom & Gomorrah” chain of strip clubs as well as their Sea of Galilee beach house.

MOBY DORKS… In their first major Japanese whale hunt since the 1963 moratorium, the whaler Nissan Mara will kill 50 humpbacks, 935 Minkes and 50 Fin whales. All will be shipped fresh to Benihana of Tokyo for their popular “Once They’re Gone They’re Gone Threatened and Endangered Species Seafood Platter.”

RINGER DING DING… John Edwards paid a surprise visit to Burbank, CA and joined Writers Guild strikers on the picket line. Not to be outdone, Hillary sent a hand picked surrogate to pretend she was a Guild member.

CUTTING EDGE… OJ Simpson has been held over to stand trial on kidnapping and armed robbery charges. Evidence now shows that when the defendant asked an associate to “bring heat,” he didn’t mean a gun---he meant his weapon of choice: a warm Ginzu knife.
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“And so during these holiday seasons, we thank our blessings.”

George W. Bush 12/10/04 Ft. Belvoir, VA
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[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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JURASSIC HOOVER… Fossils from a 110 million year old dinosaur found in the Sahara Desert have been placed on display at the headquarters of the National Geographic Society. The specimen, which had a large shovel-like mouth is believed to have survived by sucking in food like a giant vacuum cleaner. Paleontologists have named the prehistoric creature “Rosie O’Donnell Rex.”

PUMP YOU UP… Former SF Giant Barry Bonds has been indicted on perjury and obstruction of justice charges for allegedly lying to federal prosecutors about his use of anabolic steroids. He probably would have gotten away with it if he hadn’t flaunted his increasing bulk by using his batting helmet as a Jacuzzi.

KODAK MOMENT… Photo experts at the Smithsonian Museum believe they have discovered the image of Abraham Lincoln among the huge crowd waiting to hear him deliver the Gettysburg Address. Under intense microscopic examination, he appears to be buying two tickets to the Ford Theater from a notorious scalper known in Virginia as “Balcony Bob.”

WE’RE DOIN’ FINE… Oklahomans are commemorating the 100th anniversary of statehood with year-long celebrations. They’re glad they belong to the land and the land they belong to is grand.

LETTER IMPERFECT… Six cheerleaders at a Ripon, CA high school mooned the fans in the stands by flashing their underpants to spell out “INDIANS #1.” Unfortunately, they somehow broke formation and spelled out “Britney Spears.”

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[] THIS JUST IN! To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
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Friday 11/16/07

SLY SILVER… Sylvester Stallone, 61, will return in his third Rambo sequel after 20 years. The Green Beret will journey to Myanmar to overturn its despotic regime. Watch for age-appropriate uniforms and equipment:

1] Combination dog tag/medic alert bracelet
2] Dr. Scholl combat boots
3] Bi-focal night vision goggles
4] Electric bayonet
5] Hand grenades with orthopedic grips
6] Clapper activated tent lantern
7] Sans-a-belt flack jacket
8] Low sodium, high fiber MRE’s
9] Tank with perpetual left turn signal
10] Congestive purple heart medal

M-I-C-K-E-Y…. Officials at Disneyland warned patrons that ashes of loved ones may not be spread in the park after a woman was spotted sprinkling a “white powder” into the water at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Let’s just hope they never dump the cryogenically frozen body of their founder in there.

ROCK SOLID… The largest white diamond ever offered at auction, an 84.37 caret stone, brought a winning bid of $16.2 million at Southeby’s. It was purchased by Kobe Bryan to buy, he hopes, at least five years of spousal forgiveness for road game indiscretions.

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“Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.”
George W. Bush 12/20/00 Washington DC

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[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
________________________________________________

DRILL… British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced more stringent anti-terrorist security precautions at restaurants, theaters, schools and other places people regularly gather. Needless to say, dentist offices are not on the list.

Pssssss… Starbucks now sells a high-end espresso machine called “The Magnifica” for $999 plus accessories. A tad pricy but Juan Valdez comes to your house and grinds the beans for you.

FALLING STAR… Starbucks shares have nosedived 40% over the past year, attributed to over-saturation of the marketplace. Ah---there’s nothing like the smell of freshly roasted franchisees.

________________________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington,
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MEIN UNIVERSHTIKOFF… A world globe found by the Allies in Hitler’s “Eagle’s Nest” in the Bavarian Alps fetched $100,000 at a San Francisco auction. Probably the real McCoy. You can see the holes where the fuehrer poked his pencil into Poland… France… Denmark… Norway… Belgium… Moscow…

ACTION!… The Los Angeles City Council has authorized funds to install dashboard video cameras in 300 LAPD patrol cars. Chief Bratton’s unmarked black Escalade will come equipped with an Emmy-winning director of “Columbo,“ an assistant cameraman from “Quincy” and the lighting director on “Diagnosis Murder.”

BOARDED UP… The National Association of Realtors reports that 38% of home mortgage holders owe more than their property is worth. Surprised? In a country that now owes more than IT’S worth?

Wednesday 11/14/07

NORMAN MAILER

1923 - 2007

QUO VADIS?… The Vatican has announced that Pope Benedict XVI will pay his first visit to the US in April. Cardinal Nunzio “Pauly Ink Stains” Perino has released the pontiff’s tentative itinerary:

1] Lunch at White House. Grant full dispensation to Bush, Cheney, Rice and Rumsfeld for Iraq.
2] Pose for stained glass window at the National Cathedral.
3] Appear as contestant on “American Idol” doing Rod Steiger impression.
4] Score some tickets to “Jersey Boys.”
5] Fly to Vegas, recover stolen papal memorabilia.
6] Hear Larry Craig’s confession.
7] Confer papal blessing on Madonna’s Malibu beach house.
8] Guest on “The View.”
9] Canonize Regis Philbin.
10] March in Writers Guild picket line.

GRAVE ROBBER… Cheney celebrated Veterans Day by paying a surprise visit to Arlington Cemetery’s Tomb of the Unknowns. Soldiers---not weapons of mass destruction.

WAGERMATES… Italian tennis pro Alessio Di Mauro has been suspended for betting on his own matches. No surprise here. “Alessio” is Italian for “Pete Rose.”

________________________________________________
[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" Thursday mornings from 8:20
to 9:00 am. Pacific. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: independence

________________________________________________

GIFT HORSE’S MOUTH… A poll conducted by Time Magazine shows that 30% of employees who receive gifts from fellow workers end up throwing them away. Except, of course, those that were swiped from the Supply Room---those they put back.

HYPENOTIZED… The going rate for a 30-second commercial during the Super Bowl is $2.7 million. Slightly more if any part of Janet Jackson’s anatomy shows.

STAGE FREIGHT… “Wicked,” “Mamma Mia,” and “Rent” are among the hit Broadway shows darkened by the Stagehands strike. Between the Stagehands Union and the Writers Guild, there hasn’t been this many picketers on the Great White Way since Giuliani threatened to impose a “hookers tax.“
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“Finally, the desk, where we’ll have our picture taken in front of is---nine other presidents used it. This was given to us by Queen Victoria in the 1870’s, I think it was. President Roosevelt put the door in so people would not know he was in a wheelchair. John Kennedy put his head out the door.”

George W. Bush 5/5/06 Oval Office Tour
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LATTER DAY POL… Mitt Romney is debating whether to give a speech explaining the intricacies of the Mormon faith or decline to make his religion an issue. He reportedly told an aide, “If I’m so into the bible, why am I ahead XXXIII% in Ohio?”

PLANT MANAGEMENT… Hillary Clinton is denying a charge that her campaign planted a ringer among supporters to ask her a softball, pre-prepared, bogus question. If she did come up with the scheme, she’ll have a lifetime job at FEMA.

SERIUSLY, FOLKS… Don Imus will return to the air in December on Serius Radio. He hopes to get his old CBS audience back---minus the “nappy-headed ho’s,” of course.
________________________________________________
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Monday 11/12/07

CODE OF CONDUCT... While searching the home of mob “boss-of-bosses” Salvatore Lo Piccolo, Italian police discovered a document containing the “Ten Commandments of the Mafia.” While it's being held for evidence, we've obtained an advance copy:

1] Thou shalt kill.

2] Thou shalt not worship false gods with the exception of Francis Ford Coppola.

3] Honor thy father and thy mother and thy father's mistress.

4] Takest the name either “Vinnie” or “Nunzio.”

5] Speakest thou like Marlon Brando in the Godfather.

6] Stuffeth not more than three bodies into the trunk of thy Cadillac.

7] Never whacketh anyone named “Bob.”

8] Sit with thy back to the wall while dining in public.

9] Never misseth a rerun of “The Sopranos.”

10] Forgetith not that the Pope calls the shots.

DINNER MUSIC... An Italian author and art buff claims he has discovered a musical staff on the surface Leonardo Da Vinci's “The Last Supper” with objects on the table representing the notes of a song. Sacred musicologists are at odds over whether the notes comprise “Hey Jude” or the theme from “Jesus Christ Superstar.”

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LOURDES II... Religious pilgrims are flocking to an Agua Dulce, CA sycamore tree, in the bark of which they claim to be able to see the Blessed Virgin Mary. Pending official licensing from the Vatican, cures are limited to non-chronic diseases.

“I cut the taxes on everybody. I didn't cut them. The Congress cut them. I asked them to cut them”

George W. Bush 8/05/04 Washington DC

[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:

www.sourcebooks.com

CHEER CHEER FOR... DNA tests conducted on the body of George “Gipper” Gipp prove that he didn't, as alleged, father a child shortly before he died. Which essentially means that college football handicappers will have to look elsewhere to determine why God has put a hex on Notre Dame.

I'M SORRY... The highest ticket price in the NBA is the Lakers $89.24. Which isn't too bad when you consider that $27.60 of it goes to the “Diamond Ring for Kobe's Wife” fund.

AM I BLUE?... Former Yankee skipper Joe Torre appears to have been welcomed with open arms by LA Dodger fans, management and players alike. He's even been granted an audience with Tommy Lasorda.

[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a

movie! Check it out now!

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CRIPS & BLOODS... A new street gang called “Squad Up!” has taken root in Las Vegas. They're currently engaged in a violent power struggle with the strip's established gangs, the “Elvis Impersonators” and the “Jerry Vales.”

HICKSBURG.... Toyota has apologized to the city of Fresno for a TV commercial that referred to it as “a low budget tourist stop.” They've instructed their ad agency to re-shoot the spot using Bakersfield.

RING-A-DING-DING... Dennis Kusinich's wife admitted to an interviewer that she has a tongue ring. Which was installed over the vehement objections of Dennis' urologist.

[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.

Friday 11/09/07

CLUB SANDBOX... The Product Safety Commission ordered the recall of 4.2 million Chinese-made toys containing beads that, when swallowed, turn into a date rape drug. Authorities discovered the problem after noticing a Minneapolis preschool had a mosh pit.

SMACK ATTACKS... In response to a rash of child abuse suits involving nannies, “nannywatch” sites are popping up all over the internet, including reportmynanny.com which collects abuse sightings from witnesses. Here are some red flags to watch for when hiring a child care professional:

1] Attributes her bruised knuckles to former job as plumber

2] Under “special skills” lists “exorcisms”

3] Lists Britney Spears as a reference

4] Is bonded by Witches of Omaha

5] Has advanced degree from Joan Crawford University

PULL UP! PULL UP!... The NTSB now admits that near miss runway collisions are under-reported and pilot fatigue is more rampant than ever. In a related story, United and Delta recently came close to merging---literally.

“Listen, I want to thank the leaders of the---in the faith---faith based and community based community for being here.”

George W. Bush 9/6/05 Washington DC

WILL YOU STILL LOVE ME?... Paul McCartney is reported to be seriously involved with Nancy Shevell, a board member at New York's MTA. But wedding bells won't chime at least until next March when Paul's lawyers estimate they'll complete his prenup.

CARDBOARD FOXHOLES... A new study released by the Census Bureau found that one in four victims of homelessness are military veterans. “The Few... The Proud... The Swept Under the Rug.”

IN JEEZUZ NAME... Fire & brimstoner Pat Robertson has officially endorsed Rudy Giuliani. And warns that God will “call him home” if Rudy doesn't win.

This is a SMOKE FREE blog. Thank you for not smoking while reading it.

LITTLE BIT COUNTRY... Over 100 Osmond-related family members appeared on Oprah to remember George Osmond, their musical patriarch, who passed away last weekend. Mitt Romney was one of them but didn't campaign.

BERNIE THE DIP... Bernard Kerik, New York Police Commissioner under Rudy Giuliani and disgraced nominee for Homeland Security chief, has been indicted on charges of corruption and tax evasion. Well, there goes Rudy's mob support.

SIN SUMMIT... A conference of Catholic bishops is meeting in Baltimore to decide whether to order the faithful to reject politicians whose views are at odds with the Vatican's on abortion, euthanasia and gay marriage. Apparently, the candidates get a freebie on pedophilia.

"I think war is a dangerous place.”

George W. Bush 5/7/03 Washington DC

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Wednesday 11/07/07

THANKS, BUT... Bush offers to share American intelligence with Turkey to help them track the PKK rebels “using modern technology.” Pardon me, but isn't that a little like Giuliani offering to share his marriage tips?

FAMILY TIES... For the first time in the history of the Gallup Poll, 50% of Americans say they “strongly disapprove” of their president, displacing the 48% Nixon got during his impeachment hearings. But on a brighter note for George and Laura, 72% said they think the twins are less obnoxious than the Nixon girls, Trish and Julie.

HANDS DOWN... Seems nobody likes Bush. Even his urologist is outsourcing his digital prostate exams.

“And so, in my State of the---my State of the Union---or State---my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation---I asked Americans to give 4,000 years---4,000 hours over the next---the rest of your life---of service to America. That's what I asked---4,000 hours.”

George W. Bush 4/3/01 Bridgeport, CT

ALOHA OI VEY... Despite vigorous opposition from animal rights groups, a court in Hawaii lifted an injunction against the 349 foot “Super Ferry” that will sail between Oahu, Maui and Konai, crossing through the Humpback Whale Natural Marine Sanctuary. Ferry owners were willing to compromise, though. They replaced the engines with 250 Samoans with oars.

AND THEY'RE OFF!... A federal judge in Lexington, KY struck down an exemption from a smoking ban granted to owners of Churchill Downs Raceway. Bad news for health care groups who were planning to burn several tobacco company executives in effigy during the Kentucky Derby.

SIDE BY SIDE... Thomas Dawes, the jingle writer who came up with Alka-Seltzer's “Plop-Plop, Fizz, Fizz” commercial, has passed away in New York. Following a brief memorial service in the lobby of Bristol-Meyers' corporate headquarters in Indianapolis, he was laid to rest in a grave next to that guy who couldn't believe he ate the whole thing.

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PLAY BALL!... Four star players from Beijing's China League have been signed by major league ball clubs. And they're hard workers. A half hour after a game, they want to play another one.

GOING, GOING... GONE?... Major League team owners have voted to explore the possibility of using instant replay to aid umpires after close calls. A proposal to place Barry Bonds under 24-7 surveillance was rejected.

HOG HEAVEN... Rosie O'Donnell is in negotiations to host an afternoon talk show on MSNBC. Actually, more of a game show format. It'll be called “Are You Smarter Than Elizabeth Hasselhoff?”

“If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all.”

George W. Bush 5/22/01 Washington, DC

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PAPAL NUNZIOS... Longtime fugitive, Mafia “boss-of-bosses” Salvatore Lo Piccolo was arrested in Sicily during a police raid on a summit meeting of local dons. Their cover almost worked. They dressed up as cardinals and told the cops they were in town to canonize Mother Teresa.

HOG HEAVEN... National Safety Council figures show that 81% of all motorcycle collisions result in death or injury of the cyclist. Instructors at the Harley Institute of Safe Biking in Duluth routinely instruct neophytes that the only air bag they can rely on is a fat girlfriend.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH... Rocker Meatloaf was recalled from his European tour after traces of e. Coli were found in his dressing room.

COMMENTS? SUGGESTIONS? KUDOS? RIGHT WING REBUTTALS? Send ‘em all to:

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Monday 11/05/07

SCRIBES SCRAMBLE... Expected to last for months, the Writers Guild of America has launched its first strike since 1988, shutting down TV and film production and forcing producers to rely on reruns. All is not repetition, though. Here are a few last-minute replacements:
1] Everybody Wonders Why Raymond Isn't Saying Anything Funny
2] Murder, She Didn't Write
3] Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grade Writer?
4] Dancing With the Scabs
5] Jordan Crossing the Picket Line

SWEEPS... Al-Qaeda leader Al-Zawahri has released a 28 minute video entitled “Unity of the Ranks” condemning Kaddafi and his “masters, the Western Crusaders.” Actually, it was rushed into release to avoid the writers' strike.

ROLE MODEL... Pakistan's president Musharraf has suspended the country's constitution, replaced Supreme Court justices and shut down TV and radio stations to stamp out dissent. For God’s sake, don’t let Bush hear about this.
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“Anyway, I’m so thankful and so gracious---I’m gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well.”

George W. Bush 6/4/01 Miami, FL
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[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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JUGGLER… Fred Thompson’s campaign co-chairman Phil Martin resigned after being exposed as a convicted marijuana and cocaine dealer as well as a bookmaker. Fred has always valued staffers who can multi-task.

NO CLARENCE THOMAS… Despite his continuing unhappiness with Mukasey’s refusal to define water boarding as torture, Arlen Specter will nonetheless vote yes on his nomination because “he’s really learned the law.” Well, that certainly evens things up.

MUMMIFIED… Archeologists in Luxor, Egypt have transferred King Tut into a glass showcase for public viewing. Said their Antiquities Chief: “The face of the Golden Boy is amazing. It has magic and it has mystery.” He was talking about Michael Jackson’s but thinks Tut’s is nice, too.
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PARAPHELEGICS FOR JESUS… Donald Wildman, head of the American Family Association, is appealing to the Pentagon to enforce the congressional ban on pornography sold on military bases which he claims should include Playboy, Nude and Penthouse magazines. As Don sees it, soldiers shouldn’t be allowed to look at bare skin unless it’s riddled with bullets or shrapnel.

DUTY CALLS… Rice’s memo ordering all US diplomats to volunteer for duty in Afghanistan and Iraq is causing many to resign from the Foreign Service. Despite her offer to cut deployments in half for anyone who agrees to sleep with her.

SNACKSIDE… As part of their “Go Green” energy conservation campaign, NBC cut the studio lights during halftime on Sunday Night Football. To show his support, John Madden even turned off the French fryer he keeps beside him in the booth.
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TABLOID CASUALTY… Telling an interviewer she was disgusted by press coverage of Anna Nicole’s death, Maria Shriver quit her occasional job as a reporter for NBC. Which leaves only one experienced, battle-tested network female news analyst---Katie Couric.

PUMP IT UP… In a related story, NBC has confirmed that Jay Leno will be replaced in 2009 by Conan O’Brien. Not to be confused with “Conan the Barbarian II” which begins filming in 2009 with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

JOLLY GREEN GIANT… A huge patch of garbage from sewer runoff and cruise ship dumping is floating in the Pacific 1000 miles north of Hawaii. Coast Guard spotters report that it’s shaped like Texas and smells like New Jersey.
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Friday 11/02/07

ECO-FRIENDLY… Karen Hughes, Bush’s longtime press hack and “public diplomat” charged with improving the US image abroad, quit leaving 26 of 33 countries surveyed with a less favorable view of America than when she began. In all fairness though, she was instrumental in helping Third World nations develop cleaner-burning Bush and Cheney effigies.

ROBED CRUSADER… The Supreme Court halted the execution of Mississippi condemned killer Wesley Berry while they determine if lethal injection is cruel and unusual punishment. Scalia rushed into the parking lot, grabbed a baseball bat from his trunk and offered to do the job himself.

WARM SEAT… The Monroe State Prison near Seattle has gone green with a $35.5 renovation project that will cut energy consumption by 30%. One small problem, though. The solar powered electric chair takes an hour to work even when guards douse the victim with water.
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“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”

George W. Bush 9/17/04 Washington DC
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RE-MAXED… The chancellor of the Catholic Diocese of Albany told the faithful who are selling their homes that burying a statue in the backyard speeds up the process. Even better is planting a sign on the front lawn with the silhouette of a pedophile priest inside a circle with a line running through it.

LDS HOLE… Mitt Romney has referred to Barack Obama as “Barack Osama.” Mitt’s Talent at pronouncing names stops pretty much at Joseph Smith.

SPEECHLESS… TV and screen writers have voted to strike---late night talk shows are predicted to suffer first. A new feature on Letterman is the Top Ten Ad Lib List.
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

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(866) 732-3585
______________________________________

FAULT!… Net diva Martina Hingis tearfully retires after denying that she used cocaine while competing at Wimbledon. The evidence, however, suggests otherwise. Why, Martina, were you able to deliver a letter-perfect impression of Whitney Houston at the post-tournament party?

UNDER GLASS… A high school football coach in Utah has been charged with animal cruelty for stomping on a pheasant that had been released on the field during halftime. He’ll be tried under the state’s new “Dick Cheney Law.”

SAFE AT HOME… At a ceremony on the White House lawn, Bush welcomed the Robbins, Georgia Little League World Series champs. Who thanked him for enforcing the embargo against Cuba.
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“The enemy understands a free Iraq will be a major defeat in their ideology of hatred. That’s why they’re fighting so vociferously.”

George W. Bush 9/30/04 Coral Gables, FL
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