Vatican Chatter

[] The Vatican is urging Catholics worldwide to boycott the film version of "The Da Vinci Code." (Time Magazine 5/8)

Even going so far as to cover their eyes while watching "The Andy Griffith Show" reruns whenever Ron Howard appears on the screen.

[] Vatican officials denied rumors that Pope Benedict XVI may be about to relax the Catholic ban on condom use. (Time Magazine 5/8)

While admitting, however, that he may approve a "century after" pill.

[] Pope expresses "profound displeasure" over China's state-sanctioned church annointing two bishops without his permission. (Los Angeles Times 5/5)

The Pontiff is so angry with Beijing, he may deny Michelle Wei an age dispensation to join the L.P.G.A.

[] Pope's elite security force, known as the Swiss Guards, celebrate their 500th anniversary this year. (USA Today 5/5)

They were first commissioned in 1506 by Pope Fuggetaboutit XXIII.

[] Head of the C.I.A. Porter Goss announced his resignation. (Cable News Network 5/5)

Deciding to leave before he was outed by Scooter Libby.

How you know your spook days are over:

1] During Cabinet meetings, Cheney sends you out for beer and ammo.
2] Your parking space is up for auction on e-Bay.
3] You keep hearing the sound of a zither.
4] Michael Caine plays you in a movie.
5] Not even Bob Novak will out you.

[] Rhode Island congressman Patrick Kennedy crashed his car into a Capital Hill concrete security barrier at 3 a.m. (Cable News Network 5/5)

He immediately called his dad who said "Did you remember to roll down a window so she could get out?"

[] In Manhattan, the Soprano's James Gandolfini tumbled off of his motor scooter after colliding with a cab. (USA Today 5/5)

He ordered his Vespa, damaged beyond repair, wiped out.

[] The Chicago City Council has ruled that force-feeding geese is inhumane and places a ban on foi gras. (Time Magazine 5/8)

Known by most people in the Chicago area as "McPate."

[] The Tao Restaurant at the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas offers a 12-ounce Kobe rib eye steak for $88. (Associated Press 5/6)

A tad pricy, but you get to keep the samurai sword that comes with it.

[] The Concord California Jazz Festival will honor native son Dave Brubeck by naming a local park after him. Brubeck is 85. (Los Angeles Times 5/6)

Give or take five.

[] Five states are considering legislation that would ban sex toys. (HBO 5/5)

The other forty-five may ban batteries.

[] A 1200 pound man, maybe the heaviest human in the world, hopes to travel to Europe for life-saving surgery. (Cable News Network 5/3)

If a visit to Lourdes can be considered surgery.

Ways to tell he may be on your flight:

1] Plane begins takeoff in Mexico City, becomes airborne in Guadalajara.
2] No-baggage is allowed as the luggage compartment is filled with passenger.
3] Pilot points out only one landmark----and he's aboard.
4] Plane never gets above 400 feet.
5] You're flying on Kerstie Alley Air.

[] 20TH Century Fox has recalled promotional bracelets sold with CD's of Shirley Temple's early movies after discovering they contain a high concentration of lead. (Los Angeles Times 5/5)

They're almost as leaden as Shirley's political career.

[] Cheney accuses Putin of using oil and gas reserves as "tools of intimidation and blackmail." (Los Angeles Times 5/5)

When everyone knows God created them as "tools of aggression and occupation."

[] Norelco has introduced a new mens' razor specially designed to shave underarms and pubic hair. (HBO 5/5)

Watch for the TV commercials that will feature Jerry Lee Lewis singing his signature song.

[] In the fine-ridden N.B.A. playoffs, Dallas Maverick's Dirk Nowitzki drew a $75,000 tab for a flagrant foul and Shaquille and Jermaine O'Neal were tagged $15,000 each for criticizing referees. (USA Today 5/4)

So far, Kobe Bryant has had to buy two rings for his wife.

[] Victoria's Secret has unveiled their new "Sexy Sport" line of bras for female athletes. (USA Today 5/5)

In special "unisex" sizes.

[] CBS Television launched "Innertube," the first online channel offered by a major network. (Los Angeles Times 5/5)

In deference to the majority of the net's viewers, use of an orthopedic mouse is recommended.