Dr. Digit's Daily News & Old Hollywood Memory Blog: No Stinking Badges!

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[] Bush will address the nation on Monday, may send National Guard and reserve forces to US-Mexican border. (Los Angeles Times 5/12)

Breathe easy, Osama Bin Laden. Run for your life Osama Bin Gomez!

Fine print in Bush's Border Plan that probably won't be mentioned in his speech:

1] Taco Bell chihuahua placed in quarantine
2] N.H.L. rules to govern all bullfights
3] Paul Rodriguez placed under 24 hour surveillance
4] Chickens at El Pollo Loco must be okayed by KFC
5] Cheech and Chong expelled from S.A.G.

[] Cheney is given Congress's Distinguished Service Medal for "extraordinary distinction and selfless dedication." (USA Today 5/11)

And for going a whole month without shooting anybody.

[] Mary Cheney told Larry King "I fully support the Bush administration's position on gay rights." (Cable News Network 5/10)

To which Larry replied "I know Chastity Bono and you're no Chastity Bono."

[] Santa Fe's $9.50 per hour is the nation's highest state-mandated minimum wage. (USA Today 5/10)

Of course, $3.50 of it is in the form of hand-made turquoise jewelry.

[] With a national debt of $8 trillion, the U.S. owes the most to Japan and China in that order. (CBS News 5/10)

Hey, let's celebrate with dinner at Benihana of Beijing.

[] Identity theft is being called "the most threatening new crime of the decade." (CBS News 5/10)

On the other side of the coin, Connie Chung has Maury Povich's identity up for auction on e-Bay.

[] British Columbia police have charged three 13-year old boys with robbing seven banks. (USA Today 5/11)

The lads were handcuffed and led from their 7th grade home room at Vancouver's Butch and Sundance Junior High.

[] Budgets strained to the breaking point, the National Park Service has raised fees for admission to their facilities. (USA Today 5/13)

Even more disappointing to out-of-doors enthusiasts, A.T.V.ers are allowed to wipe out only two endangered species per season.

[] Cryptologists at the NSA shred 40,000 pounds of documents per day. (USA Today 5/12)

Mostly from unsuccessful attempts to figure out what's happening on "Lost."

[] "No Salvaging this Cliche-ridden Remake----Poseidon Will Have You Rooting for the Big Wave," headlines USA Today. (USA Today 5/12)

Plans for Warner Bros. highly-touted sequel "Midnight Buffet" have been scrapped.

[] Bush warns that armed militias that terriorize local citizens and take the law into their own hands pose a grave threat to America. (Los Angeles Times 5/12)

And the ones in Iraq aren't much better.

[] General Motors will discontinue production of the $130,000 H1 Hummer. (Associated Press 5/13)

They may produce a limited edition model called "The Schwarzenegger."

[] LifeGem will create three diamonds from strands of Beethoven's hair. (Associated Press 5/13)

The company is mum on future projects but has insurred Don King's head for $10 million.

[] Rap group D-12 will complete work on their current album despite the murder of band member Proof as soon as fellow band member Swift is released from jail on parole violations, according to the band's leader, Kon Artis. (Associated Press 5/13)

The much-anticipated album includes "Zippidy Do Dah," "When You Wish Upon a Star" and "It's a Wonderful World."

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THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)

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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99

Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ

HEAD BLOGMEISTER

Welcome to our humble blog. I'm your genial host and obedient servant, Bob Mills, Googling here since 2004 when this site was called "Bereft-on-the-Left" which succeeded "Funny Side Up," launched in 1994. Lots of features have been added over the years, so if you're a newcomer, be sure to check out the satirical essays and sketches as well as our unique Hollywood photo galleries. Take your time, visit often and if you enjoy the site, please tell your friends. Any questions or comments can be directed to TheLaughMakers@gmail.com. Enjoy!

SAME TIME, SAME STATION

THE "NEW" BOB HOPE SPECIALS

In 1974, Hope signed a new contract with his sponsor Texaco that required him to produce his specials differently than they had been done for decades. Hope was asked to engage a separate, independent producer for each special -- producers who would be uniquely qualified to deliver programs which would be just that -- "special." In addition, Texaco encouraged Hope to begin taking his show on the road -- to tape them in foreign countries. These changes would improve the quality of the Bob Hope Show for the remainder of his career on television and insure that from then on, his reviews would be better and his Neilsen ratings uniformly higher than ever before.

In 1979, Superman (the movie) had been leaping tall buildings in a single bound -- so faster than a speeding bullet, we decided it would be a perfect parody sketch for Hope & Company as part of a one-hour special entitled Hope, Woman & Song taped at the Ambassador Auditorium in Pasadena, California and featuring guest stars Pat Boone, Debby Boone, Sammy Davis, Jr. and Debbie Reynolds. The show was produced by Buz Kohan. I took these photos at dress rehearsal.

Pat Boone is Doctor Mad Mad, a less-than-honorable scientist who has hatched a plan to clone the world's most famous crime fighter, Superiorman. Here he tells his nurse (Debbie Boone) that he's invited Superiorman's girlfriend, Lois Inane, ace reporter for the Daily Meteor, to his laboratory for a rarely-granted interview. He will take the comely reporter hostage and use her as bait to lure Superiorman into his carefully-crafted web. Soon, Lois arrives to conduct her interview and is escorted into Dr. Mad's laboratory.

After exchanging the usual pleasantries, Dr. Mad asks, "Join me in a drink, Miss Inane?" "I'd love to, but do you think we'll both fit in there?" The doctor spots her lapel pin that says, "PRESS." Pointing, he says, "Dare I?" Lois sips her drink and immediately realizes it contains something not usually found in a cocktail. "What have you given me?" she demands. "Nitroglycerine, Miss Inane. Any sudden moves and it's Fourth of July early!" "Wait until Superiorman hears of this," she warns. "He'll save me!" She thinks for a moment. "I guess in the meantime, dancing is definitely out?"

CHAPTER 1: "If You See an Opening, Jump In!" The author introduces his fellow scribes and describes the day-to-day life providing material for Hope's television specials and his personal appearances which at the time averaged 3-4 per week. The three staff writers for the television specials were also given the opportunity to write for Hope's personal appearances during the off-season summer months. The author's first special would be "On the Road With Bing," a memorial to Bing Crosby who had died in August while playing golf in Spain. It would be the first of 85 specials on which he would receive writing credit. Order button below.

Lee is posing for a publicity shot that will be used in promotional ads for the special. Our guests were frequently asked to remain in costume for a few extra minutes to perform these duties for the NBC photographer. Lee Marvin was a marvelous comic actor who could convey so much humor with body language alone. Note also that the set has been built on a platform. When multiple sketches were scheduled to be taped on the same day before the same audience, the set was on wheels so it could be quickly rolled out to make room for the new one.

Here's Lee as he appeared in our second parody sketch, a takeoff on the first Best Picture Academy Award winner, "Wings." Our version, entitled "Thighs," starred Lee as an overbearing World War I Air Corps captain stationed outside Paris and viing with a young lieutenant (Hope) for the attention of the company's attractive flight nurse, Polly (Ann Jillian). Bent on removing his competition permanently, he orders Hope on a suicide mission to shoot down the elusive German fighter-ace, Baron von Schitckhoven, or die trying. Preferably the latter.

"Put Another Shrimp on the Barbie, Mate!"

By the late 1970s, Bob Hope specials had been airing regularly, averaging eight-to twelve hours per year, for close to a quarter-century, and they had become, not surprisingly, not very special anymore. So at the behest of Texaco, with whom he had signed a new three-year contract, he agreed to take the show on the road, warming up with a journey to London for 1977’s America Salutes the Queen.

Returning home with symptoms of travel bug-itis, he immediately laid plans to take the show to the land Down Under — Australia. He put the two-hour special in the hands of an experienced, Australian-born producer named Chris Bearde — again, bowing to his sponsor, Texaco, who preferred he hire separate producers for each special.

The critically acclaimed tour which included stops in Auckland, New Zealand; Sydney; Adelaide; Brisbane; Melbourne and Perth would prove to be a major turning point for the Bob Hope Show, which suddenly acquired wings and could turn up at just about any spot on the globe.

Over the next fifteen years, Hope would take the show to Peking and Shanghai, China; Stockholm, Sweden; Papeete, Tahiti; Bermuda, Mexico, the Middle East, Moscow, London and Paris.

In 1978, both Barbara's show "I Dream of Jeannie" and Florence's "The Brady Bunch" were still in their first runs on Australian television so the girls were mobbed whenever they were spotted taping segments around Perth. While popular American TV series arrived Down Under well after they had run in the states, technically, Aussie TV was superior to that in the US; they had adopted a signal transmission system that utilized more horizontal lines which produced clearer, crisper images on the screen.

TIE ME KANGAROO DOWN, SPORT!

One day during a break, we ventured into the Outback a few miles to visit a national wild animal preserve. Here, Florence Henderson makes friends with a baby 'roo called "joeys." She immediately nicknamed the little guy "Joey Brady," Mother knagaroos are able to nurse as many as three joeys simultaneously at different stages of development -- which probably explains Florence's affinity for them. Mom can also choose her delivery date, postponing it in cases of drought or famine until conditions for newborns to survive improve. No surprise that kangaroos thrive and no one drives in the Outback at night without a heavy steel 'roo guard welded to the front bumper.

Barney McNulty, Hope's cue card engineer for over 35 years at the time, draws a bead on one of the park's prize emus. An incurable photographer, Barney was never without a camera and snapped endlessly during every film or TV show he ever worked on. His photos today are priceless; he captured candid shots of stars from Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau to Sammy Davis, Jr., Elizabeth Taylor, Jack Nicholson, Frank Sinatra and Sophia Loren. He worked on so many movies and TV series over the years, he was welcomed through the front gate of every major TV network or film studio in Hollywood. Barney was the brother of Penny Singleton who played Blondie in the movies.

HOW NOW, CHAIRMAN MAO?

In 1974, soon after Richard Nixon opened relations with the People’s Republic of China, Hope began a behind-the-scenes campaign to become the first American entertainer to tape a television special there. He spent the next five years cajoling the State Department and the Department of Defense — at the start of every new season, I’d say, “We doing China this year?” and he’d say, “Any day now. Stay packed.”

Leaning on a raft of influential government pals including Henry Kissinger and calling in markers he’d been collecting from the government since World War II, he finally received permission to take our show there as part of a cultural exchange program dubbed “Ping-Pong Diplomacy” by the press. On June 16, 1979, after a four-hour flight from Narita, Japan, a Chinese Airlines 707 filled with our merry band of mirth makers eager to get their first look at this hotbed of Communism, touched down at the Peking Airport.

Our guest stars would arrive over the next several days — Mikhail Baryshnikov, Crystal Gayle, Big Bird from Sesame Street, mimes Shields and Yarnell and a popular disco-duo, Peaches and Herb. Booking the show had not been easy since we’d be spending a full month on location — three weeks in Peking and a week in Shanghai. We were soon convoyed to the twenty-five story Peking Hotel in small vans that carried about six people. (They would be available to us throughout our visit like free taxis.) During the half-hour drive, we got
our first look at the hustle and bustle of life in the PRC and noticed few vehicles among the seemingly endless lines of bicycles. Bicycles were the norm — millions of them.

The hotel was about six blocks from Tiananmen Square and on the main thoroughfare that leads to the Forbidden City. There, a few years later, a student protester would gain the admiration of the world by making a Chinese Army tank blink first. We were welcomed by the starched hotel staff standing in formation on the front steps. Each smiled and bowed as we passed. This custom would be repeated when we checked out, and again in Shanghai when we checked into the hotel there three weeks later.

Most of the company — staff, crew and talent, forty-five of us in all — were lodged in the Peking (whose marble-heavy architecture resembled a Hilton shipped in from Moscow). The Russians had supervised its design and construction, and it showed. Our rooms were basic, comfortable — a color TV was included, but for some strange reason, received only programs in Chinese — and they were never locked. The sliding doors to the balconies were double-pane glass to keep guests insulated from the street noise below.

Each day, we received as a per diem in Chinese yuan, but there was nowhere to spend it — no bars, clubs, pool halls, bowling alleys, or fitness centers. Not even a Starbucks, a McDonald’s or a KFC. Not so today, however. When I returned to China in 2007, I found a country as Americanized as Cleveland. (See photos of that visit at: www.laughmakers.blogspot.com)

The Hole in the Great Wall Gang

Here, the entire cast (including producer James Lipton, director Bob Wynn, associate producer Linda Hope and Mrs. Dolores Hope) gather for a rare photo atop the Great Wall. Bob Hope had just taped his opening musical number "I'm Off on the Road to China" (ala Road to Morocco) on a section of the Wall that had been cleared of tourists. The show, at a cost of $1.7 million, was the most expensive special Hope ever hosted during his 40 year career with NBC. (To view hundreds of photos -- including this one screen-size -- both from this visit and the author's return to China in 2007, click on the photo above.)

Sesame Street: Shanghai Version

Guests on our 1979 China special included Mickhail Baryshnikov, Crystal Gayle, mimes Robert Shields and Lorene Yarnell and Big Bird from Sesame Street. Operated from inside the bird's costume by Carroll Spinney, the popular childrens' character was the only member of Jim Henson's Muppet Troupe allowed to perform independently of the group. The Big Bird costume was maintained by a long-time puppeteer named Kermit (no relation to the frog) Love who replaced an average of 300 dyed turkey feathers following each performance. Spinney operates the character with the help of a small TV monitor and a fan for air circulation. Big Bird was such a hit with the kids, there's now a whole generation of Chinese children who have sworn off Peking Duck. (To view more photos like this plus shots of the modern China taken in 2007 during the author's return visit, click on Big Bird's beak.)

The Road to China

Click on this photo to read a chapter from Bob's new book, "THE LAUGH MAKERS," recalling Bob Hope's 1979 month-long invasion of the Peoples Republic of China. "How Now Chairman Mao?" is filled with fascinating stories of suspicion, mistrust, international intrigue and near-expulsion as agents of the Red Guard meet their match against members of the elite NBC Peacock Unit. Gunboat Diplomacy is replaced by Punchline Appeasement as Hope and his merry band of mirthmakers survive a bumpy ride on the Orient Express. All aboard for an unforgettable ride! www.laughmakers.blogspot.com

VISIT the CHINA of 1979

Test drive Bob's book by clicking on Hope's Fu-Manchu mustache for the FREE SAMPLE CHAPTER entitled "How Now, Chairman Mao?" the story of Hope's historic special from the People's Republic in 1979. Hop aboard as Hope visits the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, Tienanmen Square and the Marble Boat (shown above) at Beijing's Summer Palace built by the Empress Dowager in 1400. The photo-rich site also covers Bob's return to Beijing and Shanghai in 2007. It's a rare opportunity to observe China as you've never seen it before. Bon voyage!

THE MILITARY ACADEMY SPECIALS

In 1980, we taped the first of three specials produced by James Lipton (who now hosts Inside the Actors Studio on Bravo). The first in the series which would celebrate Hope's birthday each May, was taped at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs. All three shows -- at West Point in 1981 and Annapolis in 1982 -- would feature prominent military or government luminaries who would deliver a tribute to Hope at the conclusion of the specials. At the Air Force Academy, former astronaut Alan Shepard performed the honors.

In his monologue, Hope delivered these lines:

Thank you, cadets. I'm so happy to be here at the Air Force Academy... or, as it's referred to by the other service academies, "Rocky Mountain Disneyland."

We had a great flight in and I want to thank the Air Force for providing the transportation. It's the first time I've ever flown in a cruise missile.

When we arrived, the pilot landed on the football field. We made it, but next time I wish he'd try it lengthwise.

Guests on the special included Loni Anderson, Andy Gibb, Diana Ross, Kenneth Mars, Olympic ice skaters Randy Gardner and Tai Bablonia and Hope's wife, Dolores.

_______________________________________

The following year, we were off to West Point where fellow writer Gig Henry and I were billeted in the academy's Hotel Thayer, where the Iranian hostages had recently stayed -- their first stop on U.S. soil after over a year in captivity. I bought this poster of a ceremonial drum major's helmet and, during the course of our week's stay, had it autographed by each of our guests: George C. Scott, Glen Campbell, Robert Urich, Mickey Rooney, Brooke Shields, Marie Osmond, Mary Martin, Sugar Ray Leonard, Leroy Reems, Wanda Richards and George Bush the Elder.

Hope's West Point monologue included these lines:

Thank you, cadets. You can relax. I have a directive from the superintendent authorizing you to laugh until further notice.

No, I can't believe the discipline here. Yesterday, I saw a porcupine chewing out a racoon for haviung his hands in his pouch.

And these military regulations are strictly enforced. As soon as taps sounded last night, all the lights went out and the Hudson River stopped flowing.

With so many high-ranking politicians in attendance, Secret Service agents were everywhere. Here is the pass I was issued that allowed me full access to anywhere on the Academy grounds.

For our final academy special in 1982, we set our sextant on our next port-of-call, Annapolis, Maryland and the U.S. Naval Academy. Guest stars would include Bernadette Peters, James Coburn, Brooke Shields, Jerry Cooney, Larry Holmes, Charlton Heston, Leslie Neilsen, Sammy Davis, Jr., Robert Goulet, the cast of Broadway's Sophisticated Ladies and the Academy's most famous pigskin grad, Roger Staubach. The now traditional tribute to Hope would be delivered by former Secretary of State, Al Haig.

Here's a sampling from the monologue Hope delivered that day:

Here we are at the Naval Academy, the nation's only federally-funded yacht club.

This morning, I had breakfast at King Hall and I've never had to eat so fast. They give you three minutes to chew, but yoiu swallow on your own time.

This place is so military. The midshipmen are required to salute anyone in uniform. And I mean anyone. Annapolis has the proudest mailman in the postal service.

In our sketch, we cast Roger Staubach as a sought-after high school senior (which indeed he had been) being recruited by Navy's ace-recruiter, Admiral John Paul Smith (Hope) who's brought along an added bonus, his attractive niece, Felice (Bernadette).

BERNADETTE:
You'll love military life. Women go crazy over men in uniform.

ROGER:
I know. That's why mom married dad.

BERNADETTE:
Your father was in the Navy?

ROGER:
No, he was a bus driver.

This line got the expected laugh, but the next one, delivered by Bernadette brough down the house.

BERNADETTE:
Oh, a graduate of the Air Force Academy.

In the mass of background information we had received on the Academy, we noted that middies refer to Air Force graduates as "bus drivers." We knew we had a sure-fire, built-in laugh.

The academy specials proved to be among the highest-rated Hope specials of the 1980s.

Posted on Amazon.com...

The Laugh Makers - A Good Time Between The Covers!, May 27, 2009

By	Casey Keller "Casey Keller" (Valencia, CA USA) - See all my reviews

Wow! If you're looking for a fun read, you've come to the right place. Bob Mills, one of Bob Hope's final generation of writers, gives you an inside look at what it was like to work with this giant among 20th century entertainers in The Laugh Makers.

I love books about the world of entertainment, and this is a goodie. Instead of some dry, academic look at an artists work, or a tawdry peek through the keyhole at some entertainer's life, Mills takes you inside a brilliant and extremely specialized niche of show business lore.

Younger people may look on Hope as some corny old guy who used to be on TV - when they look back on him at all - but there was a time when he was the very hippest comic/comedian around. My generation turned on Hope when he became a symbol of the Vietnam War - but we were unfairly failing to distinguish between supporting the troops and supporting the war. The truth is, Hope made it big in every show business endeavor. He was a star in vaudeville, on Broadway, on radio, in movies and, of course, television. If you made a list of the ten most important, successful and loved American entertainers of the last century, Hope would be right there at the top.

Mills picks up the story in the late 70's, when he left a successful law career to follow his dream and write comedy. He follows Hope through the years of NBC TV specials, the travels around the world, especially to China and the late night phone calls asking for jokes and rewrites. Mills takes us past Hope the institution and gives us a glimpse at Hope, the man. Flawed? Of course, but according to the author, a decent guy and a wonderful colleague.

Happily, Mills doesn't drop the wit and taste for a well-turned phrase that kept him on Hope's payroll all those years. That's part of what makes the book such a fun read.

If you enjoy The Laugh Makers, you'll also like "See You In Nairobi: How Work Became Fun-The Second Time Around" by Howard Albrecht... another wonderful reminiscence of a life spent toiling in the TV comedy vineyards.

WHAT THEY'RE SAYING ACROSS THE POND...

Looking for a book to take on holiday with you? Why not check out The Laugh Makers: A Behind-The-Scenes Tribute To Bob Hope's Incredible Gag Writers. Whether you're lounging poolside in Croatia or sitting on a beach in Cornwall, writer Bob Mills has the power to instantly transport you to a bygone era of "variety, song-and-dance, brilliant patter and a seemingly endless parade of laughs."

Through 82 photos and countless anecdotes, Bob Mills tells of the goings-on behind the scenes on The Bob Hope Show, focusing on the show's talented gag writers. Celebrity gossip-mongers will be well satisfied, just as those after nothing more than a return to slapstick will be.

Let us know what you think!

Kirsty Eaglesham
DoYouRemember.co.uk/

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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!

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THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)

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