Opus Pocus

[] Despite tepid reviews, the Da Vinci Code posted the second-highest grossing opening weekend of all time. (USA Today 5/22)

Who would have guessed the Holy Grail would finally be found in a box office?

[] Frankie Thomas, 50's TV hero "Tom Corbett Space Cadet," passed away in Los Angeles at age 85. (Time Magazine 5/29)

He was widely believed to have been the model for George W. Bush.

[] F.B.I. agents searched the home of New Orleans Congressman William Jefferson and found $90,000 stuffed into ice cream containers stored in his freezer. (USA Today 5/22)

Ben & Jerry's newest flavor: Kickback Almond Fudge.

[] Rice told Fox News "The U.S. has not ruled out attacking Iran to curtail its nuclear program." (USA Today 5/22)

Actually, what she said was "Let them eat yellow cake."

[] Janet Jackson has lost 60 pounds since November. (USA Today 5/24)

The ones that were constantly causing her wardrobe to malfunction.

[] A CBS News survey pegs Cheney's approval rating at 20%. (USA Today 5/24)

But looked at more positively, his beer can is 1/5 full.

[] Lew Anderson, "Claribelle" on The Howdy Doody Show, passed away in Hawthorne, NY at age 84. (USA Today 5/23)

During his memorial service, Princess Summerspringwinterfall played taps on Claribelle's bicycle horn.

[] Iraq's new Prime Minister has pledged to use "maximum force" against the insurgents. (USA Today 5/22)

Why not? That approach has worked well so far.

[] Pope finds founder of the prestigious Legion of Christ guilty of child sex abuse and sentences him to "a life of prayer and penitence." (Los Angeles Times 5/10)

And he must put a bumper sticker on his car that says: "My molestees are on the Honor Roll at St. Benedict's."

[] McCain booed at New York's New School commencement. (Associated Press 5/20)

Then on the way to his car, he was assaulted by the Dixie Chicks.

[] Bush tells students at Northern Kentucky University "I understand that there's some uncertainty and worries because of circumstances... " (Los Angeles Times 5/20)

Hard to believe, isn't it? Did you know that Kentucky had more than one university?

[] Iran may pass a law banning western attire. (Associated Press 5/20)

Which pretty much puts the kibosh on plans to move the "Grand Ol' Opry" to Tehran.

[] Coast Guard arrested the captain of the cruise ship Celebrity Mercury for D.U.I. after he failed a breathalyzer test. (Los Angeles Times 5/27)

Suspicions arose after the ship sailed all the way from Vancouver to Seattle with its left turn signal flashing.

[] Scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig report that apes possess the ability to plan ahead. (Associated Press 5/20)

Some of them even have 401-K's.

[] About 19% of American troops returning from Iraq suffer from mental health problems compared to 4% of British troops. (Associated Press 5/20)

Somewhat of a shocker, no? Does Tony Blair seem any less delusional than Bush to you?

[] Alleged drug cartel kingpin Pablo Rayo Montano was arrested in Sao Paulo, Brazil. (Los Angeles Times 5/20)

The culmination of a massive manhunt conducted by Brazilian police, Interpol and O.J. Simpson.