All Well With Falwell

[] McCain speaks at Liberty University and embraces Jerry Falwell whom he once described as "an agent of intolerance." (New York Times 5/14)

John denied that he was courting the bible thumper vote and offered to return his speaking fee, 30 pieces of silver, to prove it.

[] A hundred and fifty members of the Boston College faculty signed a letter recommending that Condoleezza Rice be disinvited to speak at this year's commencement. (Los Angeles Daily News 5/14)

Or, short of that, at least send a Kennedy to pick her up at the airport.

[] Pope Benedict proclaims that Catholics must reject same sex marriages "to safeguard the rights of the family." (Cable News Network 5/13)

In other words, if you're gay, you should join the priesthood where you belong.

[] Zacarias Moussaoui has begun serving his life sentence at the nation's most secure prison, Supermax in Colorado. (Associated Press 5/14)

Abu Gharib-trained Army personnel will be flown in periodically to torture him.

[] Ecclesiastical scholars are debating the fact or fiction elements in the Da Vinci Code. (USA Today 5/15)

Their findings so far:

Fiction: The Priory of Sion was an ancient group charged with protecting the secret of the Holy Grail.

Fact: True up to the Holy Grail part. Actually, they were charged with protecting the ingredients in McDonald's secret sauce.

Fiction: Constantine invented the divinity of Christ in 325.

Fact: Some truth here. An inveterate tinkerer, he did invent something in August of 325 but it was the self-cleaning oven.

Fiction: Politics largely determined what gospels were included in the bible.

Fact: Close but no cigar. Luke gets that honor since he was the only disciple with a laptop.

Fiction: Jesus and Mary Magdalene were man and wife.

Fact: Not likely under the circumstances. They were dating regularly but marriage was out of the question since Jesus was in the midst of a messy divorce from John the Baptist's cousin, Sally-Jo Baptist.

Fiction: Christianity demonized Mary Magdalene to depress her influence.

Fact: Quite the contrary. Records show that they fully supported her appointment as the first editor of Ms. Magazine.

[] Bush will unveil his plan to secure the U.S. borders. (Cable News Network 5/15)

Not against illegal immigrants----alligators.

[] Sen. Ted Kennedy's plane was forced to land in New Haven after being struck by lightening. (USA Today 5/15)

Which could have been disasterous considering the jet fuel and vast array of flammable liquids reported to have been aboard.

[] The U.S. Trademark Office has granted trademark rights to "Surf City, U.S.A." to the city of Huntington Beach, California. (USA Today 5/15)

The rights to "Medical Waste City, U.S.A." was awarded to Santa Monica Beach.

[] The general tapped to head the C.I.A. directed telephone surveillance for the N.S.A. for six years. (USA Today 5/15)

General Himmler----uh----make that Hayden, had no comment.

[] More than $6 million in fake currency was passed in 2005, despite the Treasury Department's attempts to thwart counterfeiters with watermarks, security threads and shifting ink. (USA Today 5/15)

Some common flaws to be on the lookout for:

1] Secretary of the Treasury's signature says "Billy Joel"
2] Portrait of Alexander Hamilton is actually George Hamilton.
3] Inscription on capital dome says "War Is Not the Answer"
4] Bill is printed on Zig-Zag paper
5] Motto says "In Izod we trust"