Hooterville Follies

[] The Hooters-themed casino floor offers 670 slot and video poker machines, 32 game tables and 200 world-famous Hooters girls. (Los Angeles Daily News 6/4)

Or, 400 actual hooters.

[] A jury in Oakland, CA awarded $61 million to two Lebanese FedEx drivers who claimed they were harassed with racial slurs on the job. (Associated Press 6/4)

They didn't mention the brown shorts, but the jury threw in an extra five grand for those, too.

[] Since his recent eyelift, Kenny Rogers has a "permanently startled" look. (Parade Magazine 6/4)

Now, even though he knows when, he can't fold 'em.

[] In a recent survey, 25% of 18-24 year olds couldn't identify a photo of Dick Cheney. (Los Angeles Daily News 6/4)

But they did a little better when they put a shotgun in his hands.

[] An Oxford University geneticist has traced the DNA of Genghis Khan to a University of Miami accounting professor. (Knight-Ridder 6/4)

Who teaches "Raping and Pillaging on April 15" to students planning a career with the IRS.

[] Pakistan banned the "Da Vinci Code" in deference to the country's Christians. (Associated Press 6/4)

Bad month for Tom Hanks. Last week, they banned reruns of "Bosom Buddies."

[] The F.D.A. is urging restaurants to post nutritional information on menus, offer smaller portions to curb growing obesity. (ABC News 6/4)

In other words, a visit to the Outback shouldn't add inches to yours.

[] Public outrage followed a ruling by a judge in Dublin to release a man serving time for sex with a 12-year old. (Associated Press 6/3)

The Irish Supreme Court ordered the man rejailed and Judge Jerry Lee Lewis debenched.

[] Bush is attempting to regain support from his base by pushing for a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage. (USA Today 6/1)

Looks like the bible thumper vote is more important to him than Mary Chaney's.

[] Archeologists recently discovered that figs were the world's first domesticated crop. (Associated Press 6/3)

Actually, they were first harvested in the Garden of Eden but strictly for their leaves.

[] Preparing for a sales slump during the hurricane season, some cruise lines have reduced fares as much as 75%. (USA Today 6/2)

And promise to have your picture printed on a milk carton if you disappear.

[] According to a National Geographic study, only 25% of Americans between 18 and 24 are able to locate Israel on a map. (USA Today 6/2)

And 47% of them think the Gaza Strip is some kind of bandage.

[] The Massachusetts legislature may ban the production of foie gras, condemning as inhumane the methods used to artifically enlarge goose livers. (USA Today 6/2)

Now if they would just show the same interest in Teddy Kennedy's.

[] Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff insists that FEMA is "hurricane-ready." (USA Today 6/2)

For what it's worth, Mike is also certain the F.B.I. is about to find Jimmy Hoffa.

[] Carlos Sanchez, better known as the Colombian coffee ambassador Juan Valdez, is retiring. (USA Today 6/1)

To spend more time on the golf course with his wfe, Chiquita Banana.

[] Divers off the coast of Cape cod discovered the skeleton of 9-year old pirate John King who died aboard the Whydah which sank in 1716. (Los Angeles Times 6/1)

He had the skeleton of a budgie perched on his shoulder.

[] In a car displaying the distinctive red and white Marlboro colors, Sam Hornish, Jr. driving for Marlboro Team Penske, won the Indianapolis 500 by a razor-thin .0635 seconds. (Associated Press 5/29)

Only too fittingly, every .0635 seconds, someone in the world dies of a tobacco-related illness.

[] Angelina Jolie gave birth to Brad Pitt's baby, a girl they named Shiloah Nouvel. (Associated Press 5/28)

Angelina allowed Brad to pick a name saying "I'll go along with anything but 'Jennifer'."

[] "Lost" actress Michele Rodriguez, sentenced to 60 days in jail for a DUI parole violation, was released after four hours and twenty minutes. (USA Today 5/31)

For good behavior during delousing.

[] Disney will offer some if its movies for download at $10 to $20. (USA Today 5/31)

Snow White will be available per character at $4.99 a dwarf.

[] A new A.M.A. study found that Canada's more preventive national health insurance program makes Canadians 42% less likely to contract diabetes than Americans. (USA Today 5/31)

They think that no Katie Couric may be a factor, too.

[] Italian archeologists in Rome have unearthed a skeleton dating to the 10th century B.C. (USA Today 5/31)

They concluded it was a woman since she's clutching a stone tablet advertising a 3-day sandal sale in the acropolis.

[] A global "seed vault" to safeguard the world's feed crop seeds from cataclysms will be built in Norway. (USA Today 5/31)

It will preserve samples of pollen, cones, seeds and sperm donated by Tom Cruise.

[] Former Iraq government spokesman Tariq Aziz testified at Saddam's trial wearing cotton pajamas. (Time Magazine
6/5)

Intentionally, according to his counsel Hugh Hefner.

[] GM will pay for gas above $1.99 a gallon on selected models sold to customers in Florida and California. (Cable News Network 5/24)

Later, they'll be issued coupons by the bankruptcy court.

[] Norelco's new $39.99 Body Groom for men "safely trims and shaves all body zones."(USA Today 5/31)

Perfect for that unslightly underarm stubble.