Semper Die

[] Investigators are pursuing evidence that Marines with the 3rd Battalion, known as the "Thundering Third," slaughtered two dozen Iraqi civilians, including women and children, in retaliation for the death of one of their own. (Associated Press 5/27)

The Few, the Proud, the Indicted.

[] Capital Police lock down House of Representatives after reports of gunfire in the underground garage. (Los Angeles Times 5/27)

Standard procedure in such a situation is to locate Cheney and make sure he's unarmed.

[] Catholic pastor loots New York parish of $800,000 to finance exotic vacations, country clubs and an expensive wardrobe. (Associated Press 5/27)

Monsignor John Woolsey of the Church of St. John the Martyr has been transferred to the Church of St. Laurent the Designer.

[] Study shows that single women bought 21% of the homes sold last year. (Los Angeles Times 5/27)

Which explains the sudden popularity of the adjustable "allowed-to-change-your-mind" rate mortage.

[] Home Depot hosts "Do It Herself" workshops that have graduated 280,000 women in the last three years. (Los Angeles Times 5/27)

While Circuit City was teaching 376,000 guys how to operate the TV remote control while chugging a beer and munching Doritos.

[] Writes New Yorker Magazine's Anthony Lane of "The Da Vince Code": "The sole beneficiaries of the entire fiasco will be the members of Opus Dei... who practice mortification of the flesh. From now on, such penance will be simple----no lashings, no spiked cuff around the thigh. Just the price of a movie ticket and 2 1/2 hours of pain." (New Yorker 5/29)

Wait 'til you hear his review of the bible.

[] GOP heavy-hitters Kissinger, Lugar, Hagel and Scowcroft urge Bush to abandon current path of escalation and join European allies in diplomatic talks with Tehran. (Los Angeles Times 5/27)

Another plan would be to find a boyfriend for Condoleezza Rice.

[] Seized in 1948 by Romania's Communist regime, Dracula's Transylvania castle is returned to the royal Habsburgs. (Associated Press 5/27)

Eight bedrooms, four baths, library, music room and a plasma cellar.

[] Cheney defends Bush policies in Iraq, inspires Annapolis grads at commencement address. (Baltimore Sun 5/27)

Anything Dick does without a shotgun in his hands tends to inspire.

[] Lay and Skilling guilty of conspiracy and fraud----could face life in prison. (Los Angeles Times 5/26)

Ken is already reviewing resumes of federal inmates interested in an entry-level bitch position.

[] F.B.I. sparks bipartisan protest with surprise search of Capitol Hill congressman's office. (USA Today 5/26)

They're gonna find Jimmy Hoffa come hell or high water.

[] Bush orders Jefferson documents sealed after Hastert protests violation of separation of powers clause as a "threat to Congress." (Los Angeles Times 5/26)

Dennie's afraid they'll find his less-than-encouraging Weight Watchers progress reports.

[] During meeting with Blair, Bush acknowledges mistakes in Iraq, regrets tough talk like "Bring 'em on." (USA Today 5/26)

In the Skipper's defense, he believed at the time that Dirty Harry was a real person and John Wayne was a military veteran.

[] Pope tells Poles "We must guard against the arrogant claim of judging earlier generations, who lived in different times and different circumstances." (Los Angeles Times 5/26)

Like when pedophelia was considered a virtue.

[] Treasury Secretary John Snow signals White House that he's ready to resign. (Associated Press 5/26)

Bush has been dragging his feet because he dreads having to recall all those bills with his autograph on them.

[] House votes to drill 1.5 million acres of Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Preserve. (USA Today 5/26)

Part of the GOP's plan to reduce our dependence on indigenous animal species.

[] VA reveals theft of 26.5 million records in an employee's home burglary. (USA Today 5/26)

But on a brighter note, a bureaucrat actually took work home.

[] House bill calls for 700 miles of double-layered border fencing while Senate wants a 370 mile triple-layered
fence. (USA Today 5/26)

Hey, if the cattlemen and sheep farmers could reach a compromise...

[] Amid charges that Marines massacred Iraqi civilians, commandant flies to Baghdad, tells his men "We run the risk of becoming indifferent to the loss of human life... " (Los Angeles Times 5/26)

Noble idea, but isn't this a little like Philip Morris telling its customers not to smoke?

[] After finding recruiting infractions, N.C.A.A. prohibits Indiana coach from making any recruiting calls for a year. (USA Today 5/26)

And has asked the N.S.A. to let them know if he does.

[] A new study shows that 18% of British dog owners feed their pets better food than they eat. (Cable News Network 5/24)

And 74% give them better dental care.

[] Hasbro has canceled plans to produce "Pussycat Dolls," a troup known for sexy lyrics and dance moves that would have been aimed at 6-10 year-olds. (USA Today 5/24)

Probably prompted by the lukewarm reception of their "Spice Sluts."

[] Rapper Bernie Sigel was wounded during an attempt to rob a Philadelphia bank. (USA Today 5/25)

The teller balked at turning over the money after noticing that his demand note didn't rhyme.