[] The Ku Klux Klan will hold a June 10 rally at Antietam National Battlefield in Maryland. (USA Today 4/28)
Authorities uncovered the plan when the Bed Bath & Beyond in Sharpsburg sold out their entire supply of king size white sheets.
[] A Harvard student's first novel "How Opal Metha Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life" was pulled from the shelves when "similarities" to two novels by Megan McCafferty were discovered. (USA Today 4/28)
Publisher Little Brown says the book will be retitled "How Opal Metha Got Kissed, Got Wild, Got a Life and Got Caught."
[] Organizers of the May 1 mass walkout call it "Gran Paro"----a day without immigrants. (USA Today 4/28)
It's estimated that the idle leaf-blowers in Southern California alone will save $1.3 million in gas.
[] The Iraq war has stalled the housing market which had flourished briefly after the downfall of Saddam. (USA Today 4/28)
To compound the sluggish sales, the insurgents keep shooting down the Re-Max hot air balloon.
[] Incoming Italian Prime Minister Romano Pradi vows that U.S.-Italy ties will remain strong. (USA Today 4/28)
Even though he disapproves of the war in Iraq, the U.S. presence in Afghanistan and the Sopranos.
[] Bush flew to New Orleans with his entourage to help Katrina victims rebuild. (USA Today 4/27)
The last time Republicans appeared with that many blacks, they were selling them.
[] Capping four months of speculation, Bret Favre announced that he will return to the Green Bay Packers for his fifteenth season. (USA Today 4/27)
The promised offer of a "Something About Mary" sequel just never came through.
[] European scientists have discovered that starlings have the ability to learn and use basic grammar. (USA Today 4/27)
As you've probably noticed when one of them drops a dangling participle on your windshield.
[] Justice Scalia suggested that if condemned inmates are allowed to object to the method used to kill them, they'll all appeal. (USA Today 4/27)
Which Tony refers to as "Mary Queen of Scots Bellyaching."
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
;
Ten Hut!
[] The Pentagon maintains a database of 12 million youths available for military service. (USA Today 4/24)
At www.cannon-fodder.com.
[] Seagate, the world's largest disc drive maker, is beefing up its drives to 750 gigabytes. (USA Today 4/26)
Or, enough memory to store all the rap sheets of crooked congressmen, convicted rappers, jailed athletes, defrocked priest pedophiles and disgraced CEO's with enough left over for all of the Bush administration's excuses for failing to capture Osama Bin Laden.
[] The Peoples Liberation Army of China has begun rejecting recruits with tattoos . (USA Today 4/25)
Except, of course, quotations of Chairman Mao.
[] Wartime presidents Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt never served in the military. (USA Today 4/25)
Unfortunately, that's their only legitimate comparison to Bush.
[] Prince Charles's private diaries have been published, revealing some surprises about Britain's heir to the throne. (Cable News Network 4/25)
1] Earns extra money at Eaton as an English accent tutor for Richard Burton.
2] In 1949, teams with Andrew Lloyd Webber to invent the portable barbecue.
3] In 1956, briefly sits in as a rehearsal drummer for the Beatles.
4] He once dated Dame Edna.
5] During times of stress, he sometimes wears an upper lip stiffener.
[] Leonardo DiCaprio was injured while filming "The Blood Diamond." (Cable News Network 4/24)
Looks like the blood on the diamond turned out to be Leo's.
[] Papa John's will offer 10-minute pizzas in a third of their 2500 stores. (USA Today 4/25)
Details are being kept under wraps but apparently the process involves yellow cake uranium.
[] In a campaign to promote the state's tourism, Dolly Parton and a morphed Elvis Presley appear in a TV commercial driving a convertable through Tennessee. (USA Today 4/25)
While listening to a Nat King Cole/ Natalie Cole duet on the radio.
[] (Photo Caption) Major League umpires picket in front of Municipal Stadium in Haggerstown, Maryland. (USA Today 4/26)
They have to walk while leading one another along, like elephants.
[] N.A.S.A. is discussing a joint mission to space with the Chinese. (USA Today 4/26)
For the first time, astronauts will eat meals catered by Madame Wu.
[] Ben & Jerry's held their annual worldwide "free cone" day for kids. (USA Today 4/26)
They're not completely altruistic, however. The event is subsidized by the National Association of Childrens Dentists.
[] According to the Obesity Society, 51% of women think they're overweight, compared to 32% of men. (USA Today 4/26)
No surprise here. Ever hear a man ask "Do I look fat in these Levis?"
[] A.T.A. Airlines charges $9.95 for a pillow and blanket, Singapore Airlines $27 for internet access, Alaska Airlines $10 for a CD player, Frontier $8 for a movie and American West $7 for meals. (USA Today 4/25)
Available soon:
1] Emergency oxygen = $1 a minute
2] Reinforced seat belt = $4 per inch
3] Flotation device = $19
4] Flight attendants who don't say "Ba-bye, ba-bye... " = $49.95
5] Pilot = $225,000 a year
[] The major airlines are examining the feasibility of offering "standing room" in economy class on flights that are overbooked. (Los Angeles Daily News 4/25)
"Please make sure that you are in a locked and upright position for landing."
[] Violet Palmer, the N.B.A.'s only female referee, will become the first woman to work a playoff game Tuesday night. (USA Today 4/26)
Tip-off will take place at 8 p.m., providing the temperature in the arena is within Violet's comfort zone.
[] The National Academy of Science reports that crickets in Nevada, Utah and Idaho survive draughts by eating one another. (USA Today 4/26)
Particularly two species: "Hannibalectorus Insectivora" and "Jeffreydahmerus Insectivora."
[] According to Catholic Digest, 73% of Catholics say the "Da Vinci Code" has no effect on their faith and 43% of them plan to see the movie. (USA Today 4/26)
Proving yet again that science fiction is science fiction, whether told by Matthew, Mark, Luke, John or Tom Hanks.
At www.cannon-fodder.com.
[] Seagate, the world's largest disc drive maker, is beefing up its drives to 750 gigabytes. (USA Today 4/26)
Or, enough memory to store all the rap sheets of crooked congressmen, convicted rappers, jailed athletes, defrocked priest pedophiles and disgraced CEO's with enough left over for all of the Bush administration's excuses for failing to capture Osama Bin Laden.
[] The Peoples Liberation Army of China has begun rejecting recruits with tattoos . (USA Today 4/25)
Except, of course, quotations of Chairman Mao.
[] Wartime presidents Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt never served in the military. (USA Today 4/25)
Unfortunately, that's their only legitimate comparison to Bush.
[] Prince Charles's private diaries have been published, revealing some surprises about Britain's heir to the throne. (Cable News Network 4/25)
1] Earns extra money at Eaton as an English accent tutor for Richard Burton.
2] In 1949, teams with Andrew Lloyd Webber to invent the portable barbecue.
3] In 1956, briefly sits in as a rehearsal drummer for the Beatles.
4] He once dated Dame Edna.
5] During times of stress, he sometimes wears an upper lip stiffener.
[] Leonardo DiCaprio was injured while filming "The Blood Diamond." (Cable News Network 4/24)
Looks like the blood on the diamond turned out to be Leo's.
[] Papa John's will offer 10-minute pizzas in a third of their 2500 stores. (USA Today 4/25)
Details are being kept under wraps but apparently the process involves yellow cake uranium.
[] In a campaign to promote the state's tourism, Dolly Parton and a morphed Elvis Presley appear in a TV commercial driving a convertable through Tennessee. (USA Today 4/25)
While listening to a Nat King Cole/ Natalie Cole duet on the radio.
[] (Photo Caption) Major League umpires picket in front of Municipal Stadium in Haggerstown, Maryland. (USA Today 4/26)
They have to walk while leading one another along, like elephants.
[] N.A.S.A. is discussing a joint mission to space with the Chinese. (USA Today 4/26)
For the first time, astronauts will eat meals catered by Madame Wu.
[] Ben & Jerry's held their annual worldwide "free cone" day for kids. (USA Today 4/26)
They're not completely altruistic, however. The event is subsidized by the National Association of Childrens Dentists.
[] According to the Obesity Society, 51% of women think they're overweight, compared to 32% of men. (USA Today 4/26)
No surprise here. Ever hear a man ask "Do I look fat in these Levis?"
[] A.T.A. Airlines charges $9.95 for a pillow and blanket, Singapore Airlines $27 for internet access, Alaska Airlines $10 for a CD player, Frontier $8 for a movie and American West $7 for meals. (USA Today 4/25)
Available soon:
1] Emergency oxygen = $1 a minute
2] Reinforced seat belt = $4 per inch
3] Flotation device = $19
4] Flight attendants who don't say "Ba-bye, ba-bye... " = $49.95
5] Pilot = $225,000 a year
[] The major airlines are examining the feasibility of offering "standing room" in economy class on flights that are overbooked. (Los Angeles Daily News 4/25)
"Please make sure that you are in a locked and upright position for landing."
[] Violet Palmer, the N.B.A.'s only female referee, will become the first woman to work a playoff game Tuesday night. (USA Today 4/26)
Tip-off will take place at 8 p.m., providing the temperature in the arena is within Violet's comfort zone.
[] The National Academy of Science reports that crickets in Nevada, Utah and Idaho survive draughts by eating one another. (USA Today 4/26)
Particularly two species: "Hannibalectorus Insectivora" and "Jeffreydahmerus Insectivora."
[] According to Catholic Digest, 73% of Catholics say the "Da Vinci Code" has no effect on their faith and 43% of them plan to see the movie. (USA Today 4/26)
Proving yet again that science fiction is science fiction, whether told by Matthew, Mark, Luke, John or Tom Hanks.
Drip Dried
[] A veteran C.I.A. analyst nearing retirement was fired for leaking sensitive information to the press. (Cable News Network 4/23)
Mary McCarthy's mistake wasn't releasing the info, but failing to give Bob Novak first dibs on it.
[] The marble head of Dionysus, dating from the first century AD and stolen from Mussolini's villa near Rome , was returned to Italian authorities by New York police. (New York Times 4/22)
In a goodwill gesture, Italy returned the head of Mario Lanza.
[] New N.B.A. rule will give teams two free throws and a turnover for a clear path foul. (USA Today 4/21)
And an extra free throw if the offending player's tattoos clash with the victim's.
[] The Latino music distributor Urban Box Office will release "Nuestra Himno," a Spanish version of the National Anthem. (Associated Press 4/23)
Which begins "Jose, can you see... "
[] Rumors surfacing on the internet that Tom Cruise planned to eat his new baby's placenta proved to be false. (Los Angeles Times 4/23)
But there is some truth to the rumor he plans to choke the bad guys in "Mission Impossible IV" with the umbilical cord.
[] Hasbro will market a modernized version of "Monopoly" with non-Atlantic City Streets, more currency and airports instead of railroads. (USA Today 4/23)
The familiar "Mr. Monopoly" will be replaced by Kenneth Lay.
[] Gurinder Chadra will direct John Travolta and Jennifer Lopez in a big-screen version of "Dallas." (Associated Press 4/22)
Jay Lo is not only in the film, they're modeling Southfork after her South Forty.
[] Former president Gerald Ford angrily accused the generals who are calling for Rumsfeld's ouster of "sending the wrong message." (Associated Press 4/22)
Then out of habit, he pardoned Bush for his war crimes.
[] After meetings with Bush, Chinese president Hu Jinto concluded his four-day visit to Washington. (Associated Press 4/20)
Bush reiterated the U.S. position on Iranian nukes, discussed the threat from North Korea, and then tried to explain why CBS chose Katie Couric over Connie Chung.
Mary McCarthy's mistake wasn't releasing the info, but failing to give Bob Novak first dibs on it.
[] The marble head of Dionysus, dating from the first century AD and stolen from Mussolini's villa near Rome , was returned to Italian authorities by New York police. (New York Times 4/22)
In a goodwill gesture, Italy returned the head of Mario Lanza.
[] New N.B.A. rule will give teams two free throws and a turnover for a clear path foul. (USA Today 4/21)
And an extra free throw if the offending player's tattoos clash with the victim's.
[] The Latino music distributor Urban Box Office will release "Nuestra Himno," a Spanish version of the National Anthem. (Associated Press 4/23)
Which begins "Jose, can you see... "
[] Rumors surfacing on the internet that Tom Cruise planned to eat his new baby's placenta proved to be false. (Los Angeles Times 4/23)
But there is some truth to the rumor he plans to choke the bad guys in "Mission Impossible IV" with the umbilical cord.
[] Hasbro will market a modernized version of "Monopoly" with non-Atlantic City Streets, more currency and airports instead of railroads. (USA Today 4/23)
The familiar "Mr. Monopoly" will be replaced by Kenneth Lay.
[] Gurinder Chadra will direct John Travolta and Jennifer Lopez in a big-screen version of "Dallas." (Associated Press 4/22)
Jay Lo is not only in the film, they're modeling Southfork after her South Forty.
[] Former president Gerald Ford angrily accused the generals who are calling for Rumsfeld's ouster of "sending the wrong message." (Associated Press 4/22)
Then out of habit, he pardoned Bush for his war crimes.
[] After meetings with Bush, Chinese president Hu Jinto concluded his four-day visit to Washington. (Associated Press 4/20)
Bush reiterated the U.S. position on Iranian nukes, discussed the threat from North Korea, and then tried to explain why CBS chose Katie Couric over Connie Chung.
Scott Tosses In Towel
[] Scott McClellan steps aside as White House Press Secretary. Bush cites his "class and integrity."(USA Today 4/20)
Then honored Scott by signing a presidential directive that he could claim that McClellan Air Force Base was named after him.
[] Fox talk show host Tony Snow is mentioned as a possible replacement. (USA Today 4/20)
Which would be the first time that a press secretary's name matched his job description.
[] The F.B.I. is seeking classified documents in the possession of Jack Anderson when he died. (USA Today 4/20)
Seems Jack somehow got hold of a complete inventory of the frillies from Frederick's of Hollywood found in J. Edgar Hoover's closet after he died.
[] A global study financed by Viagra-maker Pfizer shows that people in Austria are the most satisfied with sex and people in Japan the least satisfied. (USA Today 2/20)
Which makes sense. Who would you rather sleep with----Arnold Schwarzenegger or Godzilla?
[] Bush's Marine One helicopter was grounded by a problem with its radio. (USA Today 4/20)
Seems it was leaking the names of C.I.A. spies to the helicopter owned by Bob Novak.
[] The Journal Nature reports the discovery of fossils from a primitive snake with two legs in the Patagonia region of Argentina. (USA Today 2/20)
Scientists hope to find out exactly when the first one evolved into a lawyer.
[] "Momma Mia!" has grossed $1.6 billion worldwide. (USA Today 4/20)
Momma mia!
[] An 84-year old woman won $10 million at Harrah's Casino in Atlantic City. (USA Today 4/20)
It was the largest payoff ever on a slot machine with an orthopedic handle.
[] Deaths in the U.S. declined by 50,000 last year. (USA Today 4/20)
Actuaries credit better medical treatment, healthier lifestyles and the retirement of Siegfried and Roy.
[] Elvis's first house in Memphis is up for auction on eBay. (USA Today 4/20)
Actually, it's a lookalike house, but a very convincing one.
Then honored Scott by signing a presidential directive that he could claim that McClellan Air Force Base was named after him.
[] Fox talk show host Tony Snow is mentioned as a possible replacement. (USA Today 4/20)
Which would be the first time that a press secretary's name matched his job description.
[] The F.B.I. is seeking classified documents in the possession of Jack Anderson when he died. (USA Today 4/20)
Seems Jack somehow got hold of a complete inventory of the frillies from Frederick's of Hollywood found in J. Edgar Hoover's closet after he died.
[] A global study financed by Viagra-maker Pfizer shows that people in Austria are the most satisfied with sex and people in Japan the least satisfied. (USA Today 2/20)
Which makes sense. Who would you rather sleep with----Arnold Schwarzenegger or Godzilla?
[] Bush's Marine One helicopter was grounded by a problem with its radio. (USA Today 4/20)
Seems it was leaking the names of C.I.A. spies to the helicopter owned by Bob Novak.
[] The Journal Nature reports the discovery of fossils from a primitive snake with two legs in the Patagonia region of Argentina. (USA Today 2/20)
Scientists hope to find out exactly when the first one evolved into a lawyer.
[] "Momma Mia!" has grossed $1.6 billion worldwide. (USA Today 4/20)
Momma mia!
[] An 84-year old woman won $10 million at Harrah's Casino in Atlantic City. (USA Today 4/20)
It was the largest payoff ever on a slot machine with an orthopedic handle.
[] Deaths in the U.S. declined by 50,000 last year. (USA Today 4/20)
Actuaries credit better medical treatment, healthier lifestyles and the retirement of Siegfried and Roy.
[] Elvis's first house in Memphis is up for auction on eBay. (USA Today 4/20)
Actually, it's a lookalike house, but a very convincing one.
Ah So!
[] National Security Council spokesman Fred Jones said "Whenever Bush meets with a Chinese leader, he raises the issues of human rights, and the freedoms of press, expression and religion." (USA Today 4/18)
For advice on how to undermine them and get away with it.
[] Barry Bonds has not homered in his first 36 at bats. (Los Angeles Times 4/17)
On a brighter note, he's batting .287 hitting his buttocks with the syringe.
Tipoffs that your favorite ball player may be using:
1] While singing National Anthem, holds cap over his stash.
2] Is able to hit holding the bat at either end.
3] His stats include hits, runs, errors and track marks.
4] Occasionally trashes the batting cage.
5] When teammates go to locker room, he goes to Kate Moss's room.
[] McDonald's announces the national rollout of its premium Asian Salad with soybeans, snow peas, red bell peppers, toasted almonds, mandarin oranges and 16 types of fresh greens for $4.29. (USA Today 4/18)
Twenty-nine cents more gets you the special McCroutons they call "Tienanmen Squares."
[] The Supreme Court denied Cardinal Mahoney's appeal, ordering him to turn over records of two child molesting priests to the prosecutor. (Los Angeles Times 4/18)
The litigious prelate was relying on the Vatican-approved doctrine of Separation of Mahoney and Accountability.
[] Entertainers dressed as bunnies, bears, Barbar the Elephant and other characters darted among large painted flowers for 16,000 invitees to the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. (USA Today 4/18)
Following which Cheney gave the children a gun-safety demonstration.
Dick's Rules For Safe and Sane Hunting
1] Wear bright orange or yellow clothing made of colorfast, blood-resistant nylon.
2] Don't hunt anything with sharp teeth, claws or beaks... or are considerably larger than you.
3] Drink sensibly. Slip on that safety before popping open that can o' suds.
4] Limit hunting partners to rich guys over 70. If you kill them, they weren't going to live much longer anyway.
5] Always hunt in areas with ground soft enough to dig a shallow grave before the police arrive.
[] A survey by the Boston Phoenix found that Gilbert Gottfried tops the "100 Unsexiest Men in America" list. (USA Tobday 4/17)
Barely edging out Tom DeLay and Zacarias Moussaoui.
[] Hospitals are attempting to cut down noise by eliminating doctors' pages, adding carpeting and repairing squeaky gurney wheels. (USA Today 4/17)
Some have even installed "screaming rooms" for presentation of the bill.
[] New White house chief of staff Joshua Bolton told aides to expect some changes "that should refresh and reenergize the team." (USA Today 4/18)
May not mean anything, but he's been calling the Duke Athletic Department for advice.
[] A.T.&T. reports a 19% jump in yellow page ads for vocal coaches since "American Idol" debuted in 2002. (USA Today 4/18)
Why the contestants don't follow through and call them is a mystery.
For advice on how to undermine them and get away with it.
[] Barry Bonds has not homered in his first 36 at bats. (Los Angeles Times 4/17)
On a brighter note, he's batting .287 hitting his buttocks with the syringe.
Tipoffs that your favorite ball player may be using:
1] While singing National Anthem, holds cap over his stash.
2] Is able to hit holding the bat at either end.
3] His stats include hits, runs, errors and track marks.
4] Occasionally trashes the batting cage.
5] When teammates go to locker room, he goes to Kate Moss's room.
[] McDonald's announces the national rollout of its premium Asian Salad with soybeans, snow peas, red bell peppers, toasted almonds, mandarin oranges and 16 types of fresh greens for $4.29. (USA Today 4/18)
Twenty-nine cents more gets you the special McCroutons they call "Tienanmen Squares."
[] The Supreme Court denied Cardinal Mahoney's appeal, ordering him to turn over records of two child molesting priests to the prosecutor. (Los Angeles Times 4/18)
The litigious prelate was relying on the Vatican-approved doctrine of Separation of Mahoney and Accountability.
[] Entertainers dressed as bunnies, bears, Barbar the Elephant and other characters darted among large painted flowers for 16,000 invitees to the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. (USA Today 4/18)
Following which Cheney gave the children a gun-safety demonstration.
Dick's Rules For Safe and Sane Hunting
1] Wear bright orange or yellow clothing made of colorfast, blood-resistant nylon.
2] Don't hunt anything with sharp teeth, claws or beaks... or are considerably larger than you.
3] Drink sensibly. Slip on that safety before popping open that can o' suds.
4] Limit hunting partners to rich guys over 70. If you kill them, they weren't going to live much longer anyway.
5] Always hunt in areas with ground soft enough to dig a shallow grave before the police arrive.
[] A survey by the Boston Phoenix found that Gilbert Gottfried tops the "100 Unsexiest Men in America" list. (USA Tobday 4/17)
Barely edging out Tom DeLay and Zacarias Moussaoui.
[] Hospitals are attempting to cut down noise by eliminating doctors' pages, adding carpeting and repairing squeaky gurney wheels. (USA Today 4/17)
Some have even installed "screaming rooms" for presentation of the bill.
[] New White house chief of staff Joshua Bolton told aides to expect some changes "that should refresh and reenergize the team." (USA Today 4/18)
May not mean anything, but he's been calling the Duke Athletic Department for advice.
[] A.T.&T. reports a 19% jump in yellow page ads for vocal coaches since "American Idol" debuted in 2002. (USA Today 4/18)
Why the contestants don't follow through and call them is a mystery.
Code Blue! Code Blue!
[] The Catholic Church has demanded that Sony run a disclaimer stating that The Da Vinci Code is "entirely fictional." (Reuters 4/15)
Sony has agreed to comply, providing the Vatican does the same.
[] A federal court has affirmed the right of Harrah's Casino to fire a Reno bartender who refused to wear makeup. (Associated Press 4/15)
The bartender was relying on the "Rosey O'Donnell Rule" governing show room headliners.
[] Walter "Puggy" Pearson, World Series of Poker legend, died in Las Vegas at age 77. (Los Angeles Times 4/15)
An autopsy has confirmed that he's not bluffing.
[] A spokesman for the Church of Scientology says that, according to church doctrine, words may not be spoken while Katie Holmes gives birth. (Sacramento Bee 4/16)
Tom will, however, be allowed to jump up and down on her bed.
[] A campaign is underway to find a more "contemporary" image to replace the familiar N.B.A. logo. (Los Angeles Times 4/16)
Why not keep the old one and just add a few ugly tattoos?
[] Wal-Mart will stop selling firearms in 1000 of its stores nationwide. (Associated Press 4/15)
A company executive cited reduced demand, an effort to attract more upscale customers and Dick Cheney.
[] A federal court struck down a Los Angeles city ordinance allowing police to arrest homeless people sleeping in public. (Los Angeles Daily News 4/15)
They may continue, however, shipping them to Calcutta.
[] A tornado ripped into the campus of the University of Iowa, with 150 m.p.h. winds
tearing off the roof of the Alpha Chi Omega sorority. (New York Times 4/15)
Alpha Chi Omega is Greek for "Yikes! The tables down at Morrie's just landed on Morrie!"
[] The State Department is taking applications for $25 million in grants to help topple the government of Iran. Said a spokesman, "Iran is governed by an unelected clerical elite not accountable to the people." (New York Times 4/15)
In other words... like us.
[] The head of the Utah Boy Scouts warns that members are not allowed to participate in immigration ralleys. (Salt Lake City Tribune 4/16)
The problem came to light when an Eagle Scout candidate was caught trying to start a fire by rubbing two green cards together.
[] Cardinal Roger Mahoney has a "special blend" of incense he prefers to use during rituals. (Los Angeles Times 4/16)
It's the traditional Vatican blend with a pinch of ground up priest pedophile subpoenas.
Sony has agreed to comply, providing the Vatican does the same.
[] A federal court has affirmed the right of Harrah's Casino to fire a Reno bartender who refused to wear makeup. (Associated Press 4/15)
The bartender was relying on the "Rosey O'Donnell Rule" governing show room headliners.
[] Walter "Puggy" Pearson, World Series of Poker legend, died in Las Vegas at age 77. (Los Angeles Times 4/15)
An autopsy has confirmed that he's not bluffing.
[] A spokesman for the Church of Scientology says that, according to church doctrine, words may not be spoken while Katie Holmes gives birth. (Sacramento Bee 4/16)
Tom will, however, be allowed to jump up and down on her bed.
[] A campaign is underway to find a more "contemporary" image to replace the familiar N.B.A. logo. (Los Angeles Times 4/16)
Why not keep the old one and just add a few ugly tattoos?
[] Wal-Mart will stop selling firearms in 1000 of its stores nationwide. (Associated Press 4/15)
A company executive cited reduced demand, an effort to attract more upscale customers and Dick Cheney.
[] A federal court struck down a Los Angeles city ordinance allowing police to arrest homeless people sleeping in public. (Los Angeles Daily News 4/15)
They may continue, however, shipping them to Calcutta.
[] A tornado ripped into the campus of the University of Iowa, with 150 m.p.h. winds
tearing off the roof of the Alpha Chi Omega sorority. (New York Times 4/15)
Alpha Chi Omega is Greek for "Yikes! The tables down at Morrie's just landed on Morrie!"
[] The State Department is taking applications for $25 million in grants to help topple the government of Iran. Said a spokesman, "Iran is governed by an unelected clerical elite not accountable to the people." (New York Times 4/15)
In other words... like us.
[] The head of the Utah Boy Scouts warns that members are not allowed to participate in immigration ralleys. (Salt Lake City Tribune 4/16)
The problem came to light when an Eagle Scout candidate was caught trying to start a fire by rubbing two green cards together.
[] Cardinal Roger Mahoney has a "special blend" of incense he prefers to use during rituals. (Los Angeles Times 4/16)
It's the traditional Vatican blend with a pinch of ground up priest pedophile subpoenas.
General Chaos
[] Six retired generals, Zinni, Eaton, Newbold, Riggs, Swannuck and Batiste are calling for Rumsfeld to resign. (USA Today 4/13)
Even more foreboding to the Bush administration, they're backed by equally prominent military leaders General Mills, Admiral Dewey, Colonel Klink, Commander McHale, Captain Queeg, Major Pierce, Lieutenant Columbo, Ensign Pulver, Sergeant Bilko and Private Benjamin.
[] Pope Benedict XVI blesses the faithful, washes the feet of 12 laymen, symbolizing Jesus's pre-Last Supper washing of the apostles' feet. (USA Today 4/14)
Traditionalists could have done without the Odor-Eaters commercial.
[] A Missouri woman collected $4000 and baby supplies by faking the birth of sextuplets. (USA Today 4/14)
In the maternity ward of Kansas City's Our Lady of the Immaculate Deception Hospital.
[] The rule allowing Iraqi soldiers to desert at will has depleted some units up to 50%. They sign no contract so can go AWOL whenever they want. (USA Today 4/14)
Usually to return home for their bar mitzvah.
[] The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Control has canceled "Operation Last Call," which allowed agents to arrest drunks in bars. (USA Today 4/14)
Sober patrons objected to the restroom road blocks.
[] Among religious-themed movies scheduled to be released this year include "Peaceful Warrior" with Nick Nolte, "The Reaping" with Hillary Swank, "Apocalypto" with Mel Gibson, "The King" with William Hurt, "Evan Almighty" with Steve Corell and "The Da Vinci Code" with Tom Hanks. (USA Today 4/14)
Still in development are "The Song of Bernadette 2" with Paris Hilton, "Deuce Bigelow, Vatican Pool Boy" with Rob Schneider and "If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Lourdes" with Jennifer Lopez.
[] Duke players hire top gun criminal defense attorney Bob Bennett to refute exotic dancer's rape allegations. (CBS News 4/13)
To complicate the case even further, Wayne Gretzky's wife is facing an indictment for betting on lacrosse.
[] Geologists in Greece have discovered the fossilized feces of a worm that lived 50 million years ago. (Cable News Network 4/12)
The scientists were stunned when a DNA sample matched Tom DeLay's.
Even more foreboding to the Bush administration, they're backed by equally prominent military leaders General Mills, Admiral Dewey, Colonel Klink, Commander McHale, Captain Queeg, Major Pierce, Lieutenant Columbo, Ensign Pulver, Sergeant Bilko and Private Benjamin.
[] Pope Benedict XVI blesses the faithful, washes the feet of 12 laymen, symbolizing Jesus's pre-Last Supper washing of the apostles' feet. (USA Today 4/14)
Traditionalists could have done without the Odor-Eaters commercial.
[] A Missouri woman collected $4000 and baby supplies by faking the birth of sextuplets. (USA Today 4/14)
In the maternity ward of Kansas City's Our Lady of the Immaculate Deception Hospital.
[] The rule allowing Iraqi soldiers to desert at will has depleted some units up to 50%. They sign no contract so can go AWOL whenever they want. (USA Today 4/14)
Usually to return home for their bar mitzvah.
[] The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Control has canceled "Operation Last Call," which allowed agents to arrest drunks in bars. (USA Today 4/14)
Sober patrons objected to the restroom road blocks.
[] Among religious-themed movies scheduled to be released this year include "Peaceful Warrior" with Nick Nolte, "The Reaping" with Hillary Swank, "Apocalypto" with Mel Gibson, "The King" with William Hurt, "Evan Almighty" with Steve Corell and "The Da Vinci Code" with Tom Hanks. (USA Today 4/14)
Still in development are "The Song of Bernadette 2" with Paris Hilton, "Deuce Bigelow, Vatican Pool Boy" with Rob Schneider and "If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Lourdes" with Jennifer Lopez.
[] Duke players hire top gun criminal defense attorney Bob Bennett to refute exotic dancer's rape allegations. (CBS News 4/13)
To complicate the case even further, Wayne Gretzky's wife is facing an indictment for betting on lacrosse.
[] Geologists in Greece have discovered the fossilized feces of a worm that lived 50 million years ago. (Cable News Network 4/12)
The scientists were stunned when a DNA sample matched Tom DeLay's.
E.T.? Is That You?
[] A telescope at the Harvard Smithsonian Center in Massachusetts is designed to detect light pulses sent by extra-terrestrials. (USA Today 4/12)
So far, it's only been able to detect pulses from Art Bell.
[] In Italy's race for Prime Minister, Prodi declares victory and Berlusconi demands a recount, citing "voting irregularities." (USA Today 4/12)
Aides say he's on the verge of appealing to Katherine Harris.
[] Louisiana's St. Bernard Parish may hire Michael Brown to advise them during their reconstruction. (USA Today 4/12)
That's like hiring Britney Spears to design baby seats.
[] Nikon has hired Kate Moss to advertise their new "Coolpix S6." (USA Today 4/12)
Must be the first camera to be sold by the ounce.
[] The District Attorney in the Duke rape case vows to press on despite negative DNA test results. (USA Today 4/12)
If only to help increase public awareness of lacrosse.
[] A&E's new reality series tracing the spiritual struggles of young men deciding whether to enter the Catholic priesthood is called "God or the Girl." (Los Angeles Times 4/12)
Not to be confused with the new Court TV reality series "God or the Altar Boy."
[] Mob boss Bernardo Provenzano is apprehended by authorities in Corleone, Italy after 40 years in hiding. (USA Today 4/12)
They thought they caught him in 1983, but it turned out to be James Caan.
[] Universal and Mattel Toys will produce a series of DVD's starring Barbie. (USA Today 4/12)
In the first story, Barbie embraces Scientology during a torrid affair with the Top Gun action figure.
[] Muhammed Ali sells 80% of the rights to his name and image for $50 million cash. (Los Angeles Times 4/12)
While Mike Tyson's so-far-futile attempts to buy back his name and image continue.
[] Prince Harry graduates from the Royal Military Academy. (CBS News 4/12)
He was immediately given Grenada. Not to serve there... he was given Grenada.
[] Rapper Deshaun Holton, known as Proof, was shot to death at New York's C.C.C. after hours club. He was a member of the rap group D12. (USA Today 4/12)
Now known as "D11."
[] Jennifer Lopez filed suit against ex-husband Ojani Noa to stop publication of his book about their relationship. (USA Today 4/12)
Details are sketchy, but J-Lo is apparently miffed over several comparisons to Mary Magdalene in "The Da Vinci Code."
[] HBO's "All Aboard: Rosey's Family Cruise" hosted by Rosie O'Donnell drew an average of 572,000 viewers. (USA Today 4/12)
Which is 327 fewer people than were actually on the ship.
So far, it's only been able to detect pulses from Art Bell.
[] In Italy's race for Prime Minister, Prodi declares victory and Berlusconi demands a recount, citing "voting irregularities." (USA Today 4/12)
Aides say he's on the verge of appealing to Katherine Harris.
[] Louisiana's St. Bernard Parish may hire Michael Brown to advise them during their reconstruction. (USA Today 4/12)
That's like hiring Britney Spears to design baby seats.
[] Nikon has hired Kate Moss to advertise their new "Coolpix S6." (USA Today 4/12)
Must be the first camera to be sold by the ounce.
[] The District Attorney in the Duke rape case vows to press on despite negative DNA test results. (USA Today 4/12)
If only to help increase public awareness of lacrosse.
[] A&E's new reality series tracing the spiritual struggles of young men deciding whether to enter the Catholic priesthood is called "God or the Girl." (Los Angeles Times 4/12)
Not to be confused with the new Court TV reality series "God or the Altar Boy."
[] Mob boss Bernardo Provenzano is apprehended by authorities in Corleone, Italy after 40 years in hiding. (USA Today 4/12)
They thought they caught him in 1983, but it turned out to be James Caan.
[] Universal and Mattel Toys will produce a series of DVD's starring Barbie. (USA Today 4/12)
In the first story, Barbie embraces Scientology during a torrid affair with the Top Gun action figure.
[] Muhammed Ali sells 80% of the rights to his name and image for $50 million cash. (Los Angeles Times 4/12)
While Mike Tyson's so-far-futile attempts to buy back his name and image continue.
[] Prince Harry graduates from the Royal Military Academy. (CBS News 4/12)
He was immediately given Grenada. Not to serve there... he was given Grenada.
[] Rapper Deshaun Holton, known as Proof, was shot to death at New York's C.C.C. after hours club. He was a member of the rap group D12. (USA Today 4/12)
Now known as "D11."
[] Jennifer Lopez filed suit against ex-husband Ojani Noa to stop publication of his book about their relationship. (USA Today 4/12)
Details are sketchy, but J-Lo is apparently miffed over several comparisons to Mary Magdalene in "The Da Vinci Code."
[] HBO's "All Aboard: Rosey's Family Cruise" hosted by Rosie O'Donnell drew an average of 572,000 viewers. (USA Today 4/12)
Which is 327 fewer people than were actually on the ship.
Fracas In Caracas
[] Anti-American demonstrators in Venuzuela pelted U. S. Ambassador William Brownfield's limousine with eggs, tomatoes and other food. (USA Today 4/11)
A spokesman for the State Department denied the agency had any idea that Brownfield had been in Vaudeville.
[] The world's largest artificial lake is Lake Volta in Ghana. (USA Today 4/11)
Formerly known as Lake Aspertame.
[] Ontario, Canada police called the slaying of eight members of the "Bandidos" motorcycle gang "internal cleansing." (USA Today 4/11)
Sort of a Harley colonoscopy.
[] According to the Bureau of Transportation Statistics, the number of employees at the major air carriers has dropped 65,000 since 2002. (USA Today 4/11)
Telltale signs that your airline is cutting back:
1) You have to weigh your own luggage.
2) You're checked in by a Hari Krishna.
3) Plane is towed from boarding ramp by Triple A.
4) Captain sets auto-pilot and serves drinks.
5) Routine maintanence is performed by Jiffy-Lube.
[] The Kansas Board of Education is considering a proposal to limit sex education in schools to abstinence. (USA Today 4/10)
To fit in with their "flat earth" geography curriculum.
[] Seymour Hersh writes a New Yorker article claiming the Bush administration is gearing up to invade Iran. (CBS News 4/10)
When asked for his reaction to Hersh's article, Bush said "I didn't even like him in 'Taxi'."
[] Part I of ABC's "The "Ten Commandments" aired on Tuesday. (USA Today 4/10)
Keen-eyed viewers spotted several departures from the 1956 Charlton Heston version:
1) No more stone tablets. God delivers the Commandments on Moses's I-pod.
2) Chariot race is sponsored by Nascar.
3) Instead of the Red Sea, Moses parts Les Moonves and Howard Stern.
4) Bullrushes Moses is born in has become a Red Bull brewery.
5) At the end, Moses screams, "Let my people go to Starbucks!"
A spokesman for the State Department denied the agency had any idea that Brownfield had been in Vaudeville.
[] The world's largest artificial lake is Lake Volta in Ghana. (USA Today 4/11)
Formerly known as Lake Aspertame.
[] Ontario, Canada police called the slaying of eight members of the "Bandidos" motorcycle gang "internal cleansing." (USA Today 4/11)
Sort of a Harley colonoscopy.
[] According to the Bureau of Transportation Statistics, the number of employees at the major air carriers has dropped 65,000 since 2002. (USA Today 4/11)
Telltale signs that your airline is cutting back:
1) You have to weigh your own luggage.
2) You're checked in by a Hari Krishna.
3) Plane is towed from boarding ramp by Triple A.
4) Captain sets auto-pilot and serves drinks.
5) Routine maintanence is performed by Jiffy-Lube.
[] The Kansas Board of Education is considering a proposal to limit sex education in schools to abstinence. (USA Today 4/10)
To fit in with their "flat earth" geography curriculum.
[] Seymour Hersh writes a New Yorker article claiming the Bush administration is gearing up to invade Iran. (CBS News 4/10)
When asked for his reaction to Hersh's article, Bush said "I didn't even like him in 'Taxi'."
[] Part I of ABC's "The "Ten Commandments" aired on Tuesday. (USA Today 4/10)
Keen-eyed viewers spotted several departures from the 1956 Charlton Heston version:
1) No more stone tablets. God delivers the Commandments on Moses's I-pod.
2) Chariot race is sponsored by Nascar.
3) Instead of the Red Sea, Moses parts Les Moonves and Howard Stern.
4) Bullrushes Moses is born in has become a Red Bull brewery.
5) At the end, Moses screams, "Let my people go to Starbucks!"
Air Force Gets Down and Dirty
Facing stepped-up service on the ground in Iraq, the Air Force is adding hand-to-hand combat classes for recruits in basic training. (Los Angeles Times 4/10)
And amending their official fight song to "Off we go into the wild black-and-blue youder... "
"Passa Passa," a new, Jamaican-born, strobe-lit, sexually-explicit dance, features "gyrations by barely-clad girls in an uncontrolled frenzy of carnal excess." (Los Angeles Times 4/10)
The Funky Chicken meets Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction."
Discount carrier Jet Blue will try to recover from a first quarter loss of $33 million by flying shorter routes and increasing fares. (Associated Press 4/10)
Some common tipoffs that your airline is trying to cut costs:
1) Luggage weighed on a bathroom scale
2) Boarding pass is printed on a recycled Grateful Dead ticket
3) Flight attendants wearing uniforms from war surplus store
4) Pilot's description of landmarks interrupted by commercials
5) In-flight movie replaced by street mime working for tips
An 81-year old woman was cited in Studio City, Ca. for failure to reach the opposite curb before the light changed to "Don't Walk." (Los Angeles Daily News 4/10)
Mayvis Coyle claims the Boy Scout helping her cross slowed her down.
According to the Yoga Journal, 17 million Americans practice yoga, spending $3 million last year on classes and accessories. (USA Today 4/10)
Fans of the ancient Indian practice claim it brings them peace, beauty, a sense of wholeness and an uncontrollable desire to shop at 7-Eleven.
The Writers Guild of America has chosen Casablanca the best screenplay of all time. (USA Today 4/10)
"Basic Instinct 2" finished 3687th.
One third of West Point's graduating class in 2000 have left active duty. (USA Today 4/10)
For posts as Iraq War analysts on Fox News.
Hugh Hefner turned 80 this week. (CBS News 4/9)
Or, perhaps more appropriately, 960 centerfolds.
A new $40 million, 3-year deal to play agent Jack Bauer on "24" makes Keifer Southerland TV's highest paid actor in a drama. (Cable News Network 4/10)
In a drama, mind you----not a talk show. Oprah Winfrey spends more than that having her drapes cleaned.
Every time a California soldier dies in Iraq, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger lowers the flag over the statehouse. (Los Angeles Times 4/9)
On the national level, Bush's approval rating drops a point.
Goodyear has launched a national contest to name its latest blimp. (Cable News Network 4/17)
They thought they had a suitable name but then Kerstie Alley signed with that diet company.
And amending their official fight song to "Off we go into the wild black-and-blue youder... "
"Passa Passa," a new, Jamaican-born, strobe-lit, sexually-explicit dance, features "gyrations by barely-clad girls in an uncontrolled frenzy of carnal excess." (Los Angeles Times 4/10)
The Funky Chicken meets Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction."
Discount carrier Jet Blue will try to recover from a first quarter loss of $33 million by flying shorter routes and increasing fares. (Associated Press 4/10)
Some common tipoffs that your airline is trying to cut costs:
1) Luggage weighed on a bathroom scale
2) Boarding pass is printed on a recycled Grateful Dead ticket
3) Flight attendants wearing uniforms from war surplus store
4) Pilot's description of landmarks interrupted by commercials
5) In-flight movie replaced by street mime working for tips
An 81-year old woman was cited in Studio City, Ca. for failure to reach the opposite curb before the light changed to "Don't Walk." (Los Angeles Daily News 4/10)
Mayvis Coyle claims the Boy Scout helping her cross slowed her down.
According to the Yoga Journal, 17 million Americans practice yoga, spending $3 million last year on classes and accessories. (USA Today 4/10)
Fans of the ancient Indian practice claim it brings them peace, beauty, a sense of wholeness and an uncontrollable desire to shop at 7-Eleven.
The Writers Guild of America has chosen Casablanca the best screenplay of all time. (USA Today 4/10)
"Basic Instinct 2" finished 3687th.
One third of West Point's graduating class in 2000 have left active duty. (USA Today 4/10)
For posts as Iraq War analysts on Fox News.
Hugh Hefner turned 80 this week. (CBS News 4/9)
Or, perhaps more appropriately, 960 centerfolds.
A new $40 million, 3-year deal to play agent Jack Bauer on "24" makes Keifer Southerland TV's highest paid actor in a drama. (Cable News Network 4/10)
In a drama, mind you----not a talk show. Oprah Winfrey spends more than that having her drapes cleaned.
Every time a California soldier dies in Iraq, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger lowers the flag over the statehouse. (Los Angeles Times 4/9)
On the national level, Bush's approval rating drops a point.
Goodyear has launched a national contest to name its latest blimp. (Cable News Network 4/17)
They thought they had a suitable name but then Kerstie Alley signed with that diet company.
China Bans Stones Tunes
THE PEOPLES REPUBLIC CUT FOUR SONGS SCHEDULED TO BE PERFORMED BY THE ROLLING STONES IN SHANGHAI. (Associated Press 4/8)
"Brown Sugar"... "Let's Spend the Night Together"... "Rough Justice"... and "How Can I Say I Love You When You Keep Quoting Chairman Mao?"
--------------------
PARIS HILTON'S FIRST CD WILL DEBUT THIS SUMMER WITH LYRICS LIKE "EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND, BOYS ARE FIGHTIN' OVER ME ---- MAYBE 'CUZ I'M HOT TO DEATH AND SO, SO SEX-EE." (Los Angeles Times 4/9)
Look for it on the Pia Zadora label.
--------------------
EVIDENCE SHOWS THAT BIRDS LEARNED TO FLY FROM THE GROUND UP RATHER THAN FROM THE TREES DOWN. (Smithsonian Magazine 2/06)
Chickens tried it both ways and decided to stick to the egg business.
--------------------
POPE BENEDICT XVI HAS DROPPED "PATRIARCH OF THE WEST" FROM HIS OFFICIAL TITLE, BUT RETAINS "SUCCESSOR OF PETER," "PRINCE OF APOSTLES" AND "BISHOP OF ROME." (USA Today 4/9)
His most recent appellation "Protector of Pedophiles" wasn't mentioned.
--------------------
A U.S. AIRWAYS PILOT WAS DETAINED AT LAX ON SUSPICION OF D.U.I. BUT WAS RELEASED AFTER HE PASSED SOBRIETY TESTS. (Los Angeles Daily News 4/8)
Air controllers became suspicious when they noticed he was flying on a cold night with his window down.
--------------------
TWO NEW YORK CITY COPS HAVE BEEN CONVICTED OF MOONLIGHTING AS HIT MEN FOR THE LUCHESE CRIME FAMILY. (USA Today 4/7)
Their mistake was hiring John Gotti's tailor.
--------------------
MARTHA STEWART WILL OFFER HIGH-END HOME DECOR PRODUCTS FROM HER "MARTHA STEWART COLLECTION" IN SELECTED K-MART STORES. (USA Today 4/7)
She'll soon follow up with gourmet grocery products sold under her new label, "Inside Trader Joes."
--------------------
JUDAS GOSPEL FOUND IN EGYPT IN 1978 AND NOW ON DISPLAY AT THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MUSEUM CLAIMS THAT JUDAS RECEIVED "SECRET KNOWLEDGE" FROM JESUS TO TURN HIM IN. (USA Today 4/7)
Most convincing evidence in the manuscript? Indications that Jesus had started referring to Judas as "Scooter."
--------------------
SENATE FAILS TO REACH A DEAL ON A SWEEPING IMMIGRATION BILL. (USA Today 4/7)
Maybe a little too sweeping. It promised to give Paul Rodriguez a sitcom.
--------------------
FOUR NEW JERSEY STUDENTS STAND CHARGED UNDER A POST 9-11 STATE "TERRORISM" LAW WITH PLANNING TO MASSACRE 25 STUDENTS AND TEACHERS AT WINSLOW TOWNSHIP HIGH. (USA Today 4/7)
By crashing their skateboards into the campanile.
--------------------
THE F.D.A. HAS APPROVED A SKIN PATCH TO TREAT ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER IN CHILDREN. (USA Today 4/7)
Field tests lasted five years----three just to get the patches stuck on the kids.
--------------------
NASCAR IS MARKETING LOGOED PRODUCTS FOR WOMEN INCLUDING JACKETS, SHOES, HANDBAGS AND BIKINIS. (USA Today 4/7)
And soon a specially designed NASCAR fragrance: "Essence of Pits."
--------------------
STEVEN SPEILBERG AND MARK BURNETT WILL TEAM UP TO PRODUCE "ON THE LOT" IN WHICH 16 WOULD-BE FILMMAKERS VIE FOR A DEVELOPMENT DEAL AT DREAMWORKS. (USA Today 4/7)
Last place finisher will get a development deal at Disney.
--------------------
LOS ANGELES GANG MEMBER SHOOTS FELLOW-GANG MEMBER BY MISTAKE. (Los Angeles Times 4/7)
He'll be prosecuted under California's new "Cheney Law."
--------------------
MASSACHUSETTS BECOMES THE FIRST STATE TO ADOPT A UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE SYSTEM. (CBS News 4/5)
Well, almost universal. It covers everything but Teddy Kennedy's liver.
--------------------
DUKE'S LACROSSE COACH RESIGNS IN WAKE OF EXOTIC DANCERS' RAPE ALLEGATIONS WHILE UNIVERSITY'S PRESIDENT CANCELS REMAINDER OF THE SEASON. (Cable News Network 4/5)
May be a coincidence, but there are reports that Kobe Bryant has taken up lacrosse.
--------------------
KATIE COURIC FORMALLY ANNOUNCES THAT SHE'S LEAVING THE "TODAY SHOW" TO ANCHOR THE "CBS EVENING NEWS." (Cable News Network 4/5)
That rumble you hear is Edward R. Morrow shifting positions.
--------------------
A SIXTH CENTURY INDIAN PYRAMID HAS BEEN DISCOVERED IN MEXICO CITY BUT ONLY HALF WILL BE EXCAVATED SINCE THE OTHER HALF HAS MODERN BUILDINGS ON IT. (USA Today 4/6)
Dominated by the "Pueblo of the Vestal Virgins Hilton."
--------------------
CHENEY IS SCHEDULED TO THROW OUT THE FIRST BALL AT THE WASHINGTON NATIONAL'S OPENER AGAINST THE METS. (USA Today 4/6)
Fans in the first fifteen rows will be issued complementary team logo-imprinted flack jackets.
--------------------
A SCIENTIST AT SOUTH AFRICA'S WITWATERSTRAND UNIVERSITY HAS FOUND SOLID EVIDENCE THAT BIRDS HUNTED AND KILLED EARLY HUMANS. (Smithsonian Magazine 4/06)
The evidence includes beak-torn skull fragments, imbedded talons and several Alfred Hitchcock films.
--------------------
AN ARTICLE IN JOURNAL PALEOLIMNOLOGY CLAIMS THAT JESUS MAY HAVE WALKED ON WATER IN THE SEA OF GALILEE FROZEN BY A SUDDEN DROP IN TEMPERATURE. (Los Angeles Times 4/6)
Biblical scholars vehemently challenge the findings, pointing out that ice was not intelligently designed until much later.
--------------------
THE JOURNAL NATURE REPORTS THAT DENTAL DRILLING DATES BACK TO 5500 B.C. PERFORMED WITH FLINT DRILL HEADS AND A SMALL BOW. (USA Today 4/6)
Fossils found in a Pakistan graveyard include repaired molars, flint chips and a stone sign with a crudely-carved inscription: "Painless Og."
--------------------
PRISON OFFICIALS IN TENNESSEE BANNED PEANUT BUTTER AFTER DISCOVERING THE JARS WERE BEING USED TO STORE DRUGS. (Time Magazine 4/10)
Alert guards got wise when they noticed a line of cocaine stuck to the roof of an inmate's nose.
--------------------
"REAL HEROES" IS A LINE OF ARMY-AUTHORIZED 6-INCH TOY SOLDIERS MODELED AFTER FOUR REAL G.I.'S WHO HAVE WON BRONZE OR SILVER STARS IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN. (Time Magazine 4/10)
They come with optional prosthetic limbs in case the kids' war games get a little too realistic.
--------------------
RON KESSLER, AUTHOR OF "LAURA BUSH: AN INTIMATE PORTRAIT," CLAIMS THAT SHE WAS "APPALLED" AT HOW HILLARY CLINTON HAD DECORATED THE LIVING QUARTERS. (Fox News 4/4)
Luckily, quick-thinking aides didn't let her see what Monica had done to the Oval Office.
--------------------
BRIAN DOYLE, PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICER FOR THE HOMELAND SECURITY DEPARTMENT, WAS ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH USING A COMPUTER IN AN ATTEMPT TO SEDUCE A CHILD. (Cable News Network 4/4)
Bush called him up and said, "Good job, Doylie!"
--------------------
MISSISSIPPI, ALABAMA,TENNESSEE, GEORGIA AND SOUTH CAROLINA ARE CRACKING DOWN ON "HOG-DOG RODEOS," IN WHICH PIT BULLS ARE UNLEASHED ON WILD HOGS. (USA Today 4/5)
And just when polo was beginning to catch on in Sleepy Holler.
--------------------
WISCONSIN VOTERS WENT TO THE POLLS TO DECIDE WHETHER THE U.S. SHOULD KEEP TROOPS IN IRAQ. (USA Today 4/4)
The Pentagon is so furious, they're threatening a cheese boycott.
--------------------
A STOCKHOLM UNIVERSITY STUDY SHOWS THAT SWEDEN COOPERATED WITH THE NAZIS BY BANNING MARRIAGE BETWEEN "ARYAN GERMANS" AND SWEDISH JEWS. (USA Today 4/5)
And they weren't too pleased with Ingrid Bergman, either.
--------------------
NINETY-FIVE PERCENT OF DELTA PILOTS VOTED TO AUTHORIZE A STRIKE. (USA Today 4/5)
The other 5% favors one too, but they were stacked up over Chicago.
--------------------
BASEBALL PITCHER DWIGHT GOODEN FACES 5 YEARS IN PRISON FOR COCAINE USE WHILE ON PROBATION... AND WASHINGTON REDSKIN SEAN TAYLOR FACES UP TO 45 YEARS ON AGGRIVATED ASSAULT CHARGES. (USA Today 4/5)
They probably won't share the same cell, though. Prison officials have found that housing pro baseball and football players in the same unit promotes gang tension.
"Brown Sugar"... "Let's Spend the Night Together"... "Rough Justice"... and "How Can I Say I Love You When You Keep Quoting Chairman Mao?"
--------------------
PARIS HILTON'S FIRST CD WILL DEBUT THIS SUMMER WITH LYRICS LIKE "EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND, BOYS ARE FIGHTIN' OVER ME ---- MAYBE 'CUZ I'M HOT TO DEATH AND SO, SO SEX-EE." (Los Angeles Times 4/9)
Look for it on the Pia Zadora label.
--------------------
EVIDENCE SHOWS THAT BIRDS LEARNED TO FLY FROM THE GROUND UP RATHER THAN FROM THE TREES DOWN. (Smithsonian Magazine 2/06)
Chickens tried it both ways and decided to stick to the egg business.
--------------------
POPE BENEDICT XVI HAS DROPPED "PATRIARCH OF THE WEST" FROM HIS OFFICIAL TITLE, BUT RETAINS "SUCCESSOR OF PETER," "PRINCE OF APOSTLES" AND "BISHOP OF ROME." (USA Today 4/9)
His most recent appellation "Protector of Pedophiles" wasn't mentioned.
--------------------
A U.S. AIRWAYS PILOT WAS DETAINED AT LAX ON SUSPICION OF D.U.I. BUT WAS RELEASED AFTER HE PASSED SOBRIETY TESTS. (Los Angeles Daily News 4/8)
Air controllers became suspicious when they noticed he was flying on a cold night with his window down.
--------------------
TWO NEW YORK CITY COPS HAVE BEEN CONVICTED OF MOONLIGHTING AS HIT MEN FOR THE LUCHESE CRIME FAMILY. (USA Today 4/7)
Their mistake was hiring John Gotti's tailor.
--------------------
MARTHA STEWART WILL OFFER HIGH-END HOME DECOR PRODUCTS FROM HER "MARTHA STEWART COLLECTION" IN SELECTED K-MART STORES. (USA Today 4/7)
She'll soon follow up with gourmet grocery products sold under her new label, "Inside Trader Joes."
--------------------
JUDAS GOSPEL FOUND IN EGYPT IN 1978 AND NOW ON DISPLAY AT THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MUSEUM CLAIMS THAT JUDAS RECEIVED "SECRET KNOWLEDGE" FROM JESUS TO TURN HIM IN. (USA Today 4/7)
Most convincing evidence in the manuscript? Indications that Jesus had started referring to Judas as "Scooter."
--------------------
SENATE FAILS TO REACH A DEAL ON A SWEEPING IMMIGRATION BILL. (USA Today 4/7)
Maybe a little too sweeping. It promised to give Paul Rodriguez a sitcom.
--------------------
FOUR NEW JERSEY STUDENTS STAND CHARGED UNDER A POST 9-11 STATE "TERRORISM" LAW WITH PLANNING TO MASSACRE 25 STUDENTS AND TEACHERS AT WINSLOW TOWNSHIP HIGH. (USA Today 4/7)
By crashing their skateboards into the campanile.
--------------------
THE F.D.A. HAS APPROVED A SKIN PATCH TO TREAT ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER IN CHILDREN. (USA Today 4/7)
Field tests lasted five years----three just to get the patches stuck on the kids.
--------------------
NASCAR IS MARKETING LOGOED PRODUCTS FOR WOMEN INCLUDING JACKETS, SHOES, HANDBAGS AND BIKINIS. (USA Today 4/7)
And soon a specially designed NASCAR fragrance: "Essence of Pits."
--------------------
STEVEN SPEILBERG AND MARK BURNETT WILL TEAM UP TO PRODUCE "ON THE LOT" IN WHICH 16 WOULD-BE FILMMAKERS VIE FOR A DEVELOPMENT DEAL AT DREAMWORKS. (USA Today 4/7)
Last place finisher will get a development deal at Disney.
--------------------
LOS ANGELES GANG MEMBER SHOOTS FELLOW-GANG MEMBER BY MISTAKE. (Los Angeles Times 4/7)
He'll be prosecuted under California's new "Cheney Law."
--------------------
MASSACHUSETTS BECOMES THE FIRST STATE TO ADOPT A UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE SYSTEM. (CBS News 4/5)
Well, almost universal. It covers everything but Teddy Kennedy's liver.
--------------------
DUKE'S LACROSSE COACH RESIGNS IN WAKE OF EXOTIC DANCERS' RAPE ALLEGATIONS WHILE UNIVERSITY'S PRESIDENT CANCELS REMAINDER OF THE SEASON. (Cable News Network 4/5)
May be a coincidence, but there are reports that Kobe Bryant has taken up lacrosse.
--------------------
KATIE COURIC FORMALLY ANNOUNCES THAT SHE'S LEAVING THE "TODAY SHOW" TO ANCHOR THE "CBS EVENING NEWS." (Cable News Network 4/5)
That rumble you hear is Edward R. Morrow shifting positions.
--------------------
A SIXTH CENTURY INDIAN PYRAMID HAS BEEN DISCOVERED IN MEXICO CITY BUT ONLY HALF WILL BE EXCAVATED SINCE THE OTHER HALF HAS MODERN BUILDINGS ON IT. (USA Today 4/6)
Dominated by the "Pueblo of the Vestal Virgins Hilton."
--------------------
CHENEY IS SCHEDULED TO THROW OUT THE FIRST BALL AT THE WASHINGTON NATIONAL'S OPENER AGAINST THE METS. (USA Today 4/6)
Fans in the first fifteen rows will be issued complementary team logo-imprinted flack jackets.
--------------------
A SCIENTIST AT SOUTH AFRICA'S WITWATERSTRAND UNIVERSITY HAS FOUND SOLID EVIDENCE THAT BIRDS HUNTED AND KILLED EARLY HUMANS. (Smithsonian Magazine 4/06)
The evidence includes beak-torn skull fragments, imbedded talons and several Alfred Hitchcock films.
--------------------
AN ARTICLE IN JOURNAL PALEOLIMNOLOGY CLAIMS THAT JESUS MAY HAVE WALKED ON WATER IN THE SEA OF GALILEE FROZEN BY A SUDDEN DROP IN TEMPERATURE. (Los Angeles Times 4/6)
Biblical scholars vehemently challenge the findings, pointing out that ice was not intelligently designed until much later.
--------------------
THE JOURNAL NATURE REPORTS THAT DENTAL DRILLING DATES BACK TO 5500 B.C. PERFORMED WITH FLINT DRILL HEADS AND A SMALL BOW. (USA Today 4/6)
Fossils found in a Pakistan graveyard include repaired molars, flint chips and a stone sign with a crudely-carved inscription: "Painless Og."
--------------------
PRISON OFFICIALS IN TENNESSEE BANNED PEANUT BUTTER AFTER DISCOVERING THE JARS WERE BEING USED TO STORE DRUGS. (Time Magazine 4/10)
Alert guards got wise when they noticed a line of cocaine stuck to the roof of an inmate's nose.
--------------------
"REAL HEROES" IS A LINE OF ARMY-AUTHORIZED 6-INCH TOY SOLDIERS MODELED AFTER FOUR REAL G.I.'S WHO HAVE WON BRONZE OR SILVER STARS IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN. (Time Magazine 4/10)
They come with optional prosthetic limbs in case the kids' war games get a little too realistic.
--------------------
RON KESSLER, AUTHOR OF "LAURA BUSH: AN INTIMATE PORTRAIT," CLAIMS THAT SHE WAS "APPALLED" AT HOW HILLARY CLINTON HAD DECORATED THE LIVING QUARTERS. (Fox News 4/4)
Luckily, quick-thinking aides didn't let her see what Monica had done to the Oval Office.
--------------------
BRIAN DOYLE, PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICER FOR THE HOMELAND SECURITY DEPARTMENT, WAS ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH USING A COMPUTER IN AN ATTEMPT TO SEDUCE A CHILD. (Cable News Network 4/4)
Bush called him up and said, "Good job, Doylie!"
--------------------
MISSISSIPPI, ALABAMA,TENNESSEE, GEORGIA AND SOUTH CAROLINA ARE CRACKING DOWN ON "HOG-DOG RODEOS," IN WHICH PIT BULLS ARE UNLEASHED ON WILD HOGS. (USA Today 4/5)
And just when polo was beginning to catch on in Sleepy Holler.
--------------------
WISCONSIN VOTERS WENT TO THE POLLS TO DECIDE WHETHER THE U.S. SHOULD KEEP TROOPS IN IRAQ. (USA Today 4/4)
The Pentagon is so furious, they're threatening a cheese boycott.
--------------------
A STOCKHOLM UNIVERSITY STUDY SHOWS THAT SWEDEN COOPERATED WITH THE NAZIS BY BANNING MARRIAGE BETWEEN "ARYAN GERMANS" AND SWEDISH JEWS. (USA Today 4/5)
And they weren't too pleased with Ingrid Bergman, either.
--------------------
NINETY-FIVE PERCENT OF DELTA PILOTS VOTED TO AUTHORIZE A STRIKE. (USA Today 4/5)
The other 5% favors one too, but they were stacked up over Chicago.
--------------------
BASEBALL PITCHER DWIGHT GOODEN FACES 5 YEARS IN PRISON FOR COCAINE USE WHILE ON PROBATION... AND WASHINGTON REDSKIN SEAN TAYLOR FACES UP TO 45 YEARS ON AGGRIVATED ASSAULT CHARGES. (USA Today 4/5)
They probably won't share the same cell, though. Prison officials have found that housing pro baseball and football players in the same unit promotes gang tension.
LONG LOST GOSPEL CASTS JUDAS "TRAITOR" LABEL IN DOUBT
JUDAS GOSPEL FOUND IN EGYPT IN 1978 AND NOW ON DISPLAY AT THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MUSEUM CLAIMS THAT JUDAS RECEIVED "SECRET KNOWLEDGE" FROM JESUS TO TURN HIM IN. (USA Today 4/7)
Most convincing evidence in the manuscript? Indications that Jesus had started referring to Judas as "Scooter."
--------------------
SENATE FAILS TO REACH A DEAL ON A SWEEPING IMMIGRATION BILL. (USA Today 4/7)
Maybe a little too sweeping. It promised to give Paul Rodriguez a sitcom.
--------------------
FOUR NEW JERSEY STUDENTS STAND CHARGED UNDER A POST 9-11 STATE "TERRORISM" LAW WITH PLANNING TO MASSACRE 25 STUDENTS AND TEACHERS AT WINSLOW TOWNSHIP HIGH. (USA Today 4/7)
By crashing their skateboards into the campanile.
--------------------
THE F.D.A. HAS APPROVED A SKIN PATCH TO TREAT ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER IN CHILDREN. (USA Today 4/7)
Field tests lasted five years----three just to get the patches stuck on the kids.
--------------------
NASCAR IS MARKETING LOGOED PRODUCTS FOR WOMEN INCLUDING JACKETS, SHOES, HANDBAGS AND BIKINIS. (USA Today 4/7)
And soon a specially designed NASCAR fragrance: "Essence of Pits."
--------------------
STEVEN SPEILBERG AND MARK BURNETT WILL TEAM UP TO PRODUCE "ON THE LOT" IN WHICH 16 WOULD-BE FILMMAKERS VIE FOR A DEVELOPMENT DEAL AT DREAMWORKS. (USA Today 4/7)
Last place finisher will get a development deal at Disney.
--------------------
LOS ANGELES GANG MEMBER SHOOTS FELLOW-GANG MEMBER BY MISTAKE. (Los Angeles Times 4/7)
He'll be prosecuted under California's new "Cheney Law."
--------------------
MASSACHUSETTS BECOMES THE FIRST STATE TO ADOPT A UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE SYSTEM. (CBS News 4/5)
Well, universal. It covers everything but Teddy Kennedy's liver.
--------------------
DUKE'S LACROSSE COACH RESIGNS IN WAKE OF EXOTIC DANCERS' RAPE ALLEGATIONS WHILE UNIVERSITY'S PRESIDENT CANCELS REMAINDER OF THE SEASON. (Cable News Network 4/5)
May be a coincidence, but there are reports that Kobe Bryant has taken up lacrosse.
--------------------
KATIE COURIC FORMALLY ANNOUNCES THAT SHE'S LEAVING THE "TODAY SHOW" TO ANCHOR THE "CBS EVENING NEWS." (Cable News Network 4/5)
That rumble you hear is Edward R. Morrow shifting positions.
--------------------
A SIXTH CENTURY INDIAN PYRAMID HAS BEEN DISCOVERED IN MEXICO CITY BUT ONLY HALF WILL BE EXCAVATED SINCE THE OTHER HALF HAS MODERN BUILDINGS ON IT. (USA Today 4/6)
Dominated by the "Pueblo of the Vestal Virgins Hilton."
--------------------
CHENEY IS SCHEDULED TO THROW OUT THE FIRST BALL AT THE WASHINGTON NATIONAL'S OPENER AGAINST THE METS. (USA Today 4/6)
Fans in the first fifteen rows will be issued complementary team logo-imprinted flack jackets.
--------------------
A SCIENTIST AT SOUTH AFRICA'S WITWATERSTRAND UNIVERSITY HAS FOUND SOLID EVIDENCE THAT BIRDS HUNTED AND KILLED EARLY HUMANS. (Smithsonian Magazine 4/06)
The evidence includes beak-torn skull fragments, imbedded talons and several Alfred Hitchcock films.
--------------------
AN ARTICLE IN JOURNAL PALEOLIMNOLOGY CLAIMS THAT JESUS MAY HAVE WALKED ON WATER IN THE SEA OF GALILEE FROZEN BY A SUDDEN DROP IN TEMPERATURE. (Los Angeles Times 4/6)
Biblical scholars vehemently challenge the findings, pointing out that ice was not intelligently designed until much later.
--------------------
THE JOURNAL NATURE REPORTS THAT DENTAL DRILLING DATES BACK TO 5500 B.C. PERFORMED WITH FLINT DRILL HEADS AND A SMALL BOW. (USA Today 4/6)
Fossils found in a Pakistan graveyard include repaired molars, flint chips and a stone sign with a crudely-carved inscription: "Painless Og."
--------------------
PRISON OFFICIALS IN TENNESSEE BANNED PEANUT BUTTER AFTER DISCOVERING THE JARS WERE BEING USED TO STORE DRUGS. (Time Magazine 4/10)
Alert guards got wise when they noticed a line of cocaine stuck to the roof of an inmate's nose.
--------------------
"REAL HEROES" IS A LINE OF ARMY-AUTHORIZED 6-INCH TOY SOLDIERS MODELED AFTER FOUR REAL G.I.'S WHO HAVE WON BRONZE OR SILVER STARS IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN. (Time Magazine 4/10)
They come with optional prosthetic limbs in case the kids' war games get a little too realistic.
--------------------
RON KESSLER, AUTHOR OF "LAURA BUSH: AN INTIMATE PORTRAIT," CLAIMS THAT SHE WAS "APPALLED" AT HOW HILLARY CLINTON HAD DECORATED THE LIVING QUARTERS. (Fox News 4/4)
Luckily, quick-thinking aides didn't let her see what Monica had done to the Oval Office.
--------------------
BRIAN DOYLE, PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICER FOR THE HOMELAND SECURITY DEPARTMENT, WAS ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH USING A COMPUTER IN AN ATTEMPT TO SEDUCE A CHILD. (Cable News Network 4/4)
Bush called him up and said, "Good job, Doylie!"
--------------------
MISSISSIPPI, ALABAMA,TENNESSEE, GEORGIA AND SOUTH CAROLINA ARE CRACKING DOWN ON "HOG-DOG RODEOS," IN WHICH PIT BULLS ARE UNLEASHED ON WILD HOGS. (USA Today 4/5)
And just when polo was beginning to catch on in Sleepy Holler.
--------------------
WISCONSIN VOTERS WENT TO THE POLLS TO DECIDE WHETHER THE U.S. SHOULD KEEP TROOPS IN IRAQ. (USA Today 4/4)
The Pentagon is so furious, they're threatening a cheese boycott.
--------------------
A STOCKHOLM UNIVERSITY STUDY SHOWS THAT SWEDEN COOPERATED WITH THE NAZIS BY BANNING MARRIAGE BETWEEN "ARYAN GERMANS" AND SWEDISH JEWS. (USA Today 4/5)
And they weren't too pleased with Ingrid Bergman, either.
--------------------
NINETY-FIVE PERCENT OF DELTA PILOTS VOTED TO AUTHORIZE A STRIKE. (USA Today 4/5)
The other 5% favors one too, but they were stacked up over Chicago.
--------------------
BASEBALL PITCHER DWIGHT GOODEN FACES 5 YEARS IN PRISON FOR COCAINE USE WHILE ON PROBATION... AND WASHINGTON REDSKIN SEAN TAYLOR FACES UP TO 45 YEARS ON AGGRIVATED ASSAULT CHARGES. (USA Today 4/5)
They probably won't share the same cell, though. Prison officials have found that housing pro baseball and football players in the same unit promotes gang tension.
--------------------
HANK WILLIAMS,JR., WHO SANG THE "MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL" THEME SONG, WAS CHARGED WITH ASSAULTING A WAITRESS IN MEMPHIS. (USA Today 4/5)
"Ready to pose for some MUG SHOTS???"
--------------------
DISNEY WILL LAUNCH A CELL PHONE SERVICE DUBBED "DISNEY MOBILE" AIMED AT 10-15 YEAR OLDS. (USA Today 4/5)
Activation is free if their parents agree to watch Michael Eisner's talk show for a year.
--------------------
AT THE PREMIERE OF "BASIC INSTINCT 2," SHARON STONE TOLD REPORTERS, "IF GUYS WILL KEEP THINKING I'M HOT, I MAY TURN IT INTO A TV SERIES." (Time Magazine 4/10)
Honey, opening weekend, you weren't hot enough to melt "Ice Age."
--------------------
TOM DELAY ANNOUNCED THAT HE'LL STEP DOWN IN MAY, WON'T SEEK REELECTION. (USA Today 4/4)
Aside from his legal troubles, friends say other factors contributed to his decision:
1] Katherine Harris was threatening to endorce him.
2] Slammer-bound aides are forming a new Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
3] The election is too close to the skin-shedding season.
4] Persistant rumors that he was about to be expelled from his golf club, Houston's tony "Douche Bag Hills."
5] Reports that Cheney has been skeet shooting using clay replicas of his head.
--------------------
MAYOR BLOOMBERG ASSURES NEW YORK'S JEWISH LEADERS THAT SECURITY WILL BE TIGHTENED FOR PASSOVER. (USA Today 4/4)
Using their new, state-of-the-art matzo ball x-ray machine.
--------------------
TRENT LOTT SAYS "BILL FRIST WON'T GO DOWN AS ONE OF THE GREATS AND DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE AT THE PRESIDENCY." (USA Today 4/4)
Frist told reporters he won't comment until he can make a proper diagnosis from the video.
--------------------
JULIA ROBERTS' BROADWAY DEBUT IN "THREE DAYS OF RAIN" GROSSED AN IMPRESSIVE $988,298 ITS FIRST WEEK. (USA Today 4/4)
Impressive until one remembers that's about one tenth of what she got for five minutes in "Oceans Twelve."
Most convincing evidence in the manuscript? Indications that Jesus had started referring to Judas as "Scooter."
--------------------
SENATE FAILS TO REACH A DEAL ON A SWEEPING IMMIGRATION BILL. (USA Today 4/7)
Maybe a little too sweeping. It promised to give Paul Rodriguez a sitcom.
--------------------
FOUR NEW JERSEY STUDENTS STAND CHARGED UNDER A POST 9-11 STATE "TERRORISM" LAW WITH PLANNING TO MASSACRE 25 STUDENTS AND TEACHERS AT WINSLOW TOWNSHIP HIGH. (USA Today 4/7)
By crashing their skateboards into the campanile.
--------------------
THE F.D.A. HAS APPROVED A SKIN PATCH TO TREAT ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER IN CHILDREN. (USA Today 4/7)
Field tests lasted five years----three just to get the patches stuck on the kids.
--------------------
NASCAR IS MARKETING LOGOED PRODUCTS FOR WOMEN INCLUDING JACKETS, SHOES, HANDBAGS AND BIKINIS. (USA Today 4/7)
And soon a specially designed NASCAR fragrance: "Essence of Pits."
--------------------
STEVEN SPEILBERG AND MARK BURNETT WILL TEAM UP TO PRODUCE "ON THE LOT" IN WHICH 16 WOULD-BE FILMMAKERS VIE FOR A DEVELOPMENT DEAL AT DREAMWORKS. (USA Today 4/7)
Last place finisher will get a development deal at Disney.
--------------------
LOS ANGELES GANG MEMBER SHOOTS FELLOW-GANG MEMBER BY MISTAKE. (Los Angeles Times 4/7)
He'll be prosecuted under California's new "Cheney Law."
--------------------
MASSACHUSETTS BECOMES THE FIRST STATE TO ADOPT A UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE SYSTEM. (CBS News 4/5)
Well, universal. It covers everything but Teddy Kennedy's liver.
--------------------
DUKE'S LACROSSE COACH RESIGNS IN WAKE OF EXOTIC DANCERS' RAPE ALLEGATIONS WHILE UNIVERSITY'S PRESIDENT CANCELS REMAINDER OF THE SEASON. (Cable News Network 4/5)
May be a coincidence, but there are reports that Kobe Bryant has taken up lacrosse.
--------------------
KATIE COURIC FORMALLY ANNOUNCES THAT SHE'S LEAVING THE "TODAY SHOW" TO ANCHOR THE "CBS EVENING NEWS." (Cable News Network 4/5)
That rumble you hear is Edward R. Morrow shifting positions.
--------------------
A SIXTH CENTURY INDIAN PYRAMID HAS BEEN DISCOVERED IN MEXICO CITY BUT ONLY HALF WILL BE EXCAVATED SINCE THE OTHER HALF HAS MODERN BUILDINGS ON IT. (USA Today 4/6)
Dominated by the "Pueblo of the Vestal Virgins Hilton."
--------------------
CHENEY IS SCHEDULED TO THROW OUT THE FIRST BALL AT THE WASHINGTON NATIONAL'S OPENER AGAINST THE METS. (USA Today 4/6)
Fans in the first fifteen rows will be issued complementary team logo-imprinted flack jackets.
--------------------
A SCIENTIST AT SOUTH AFRICA'S WITWATERSTRAND UNIVERSITY HAS FOUND SOLID EVIDENCE THAT BIRDS HUNTED AND KILLED EARLY HUMANS. (Smithsonian Magazine 4/06)
The evidence includes beak-torn skull fragments, imbedded talons and several Alfred Hitchcock films.
--------------------
AN ARTICLE IN JOURNAL PALEOLIMNOLOGY CLAIMS THAT JESUS MAY HAVE WALKED ON WATER IN THE SEA OF GALILEE FROZEN BY A SUDDEN DROP IN TEMPERATURE. (Los Angeles Times 4/6)
Biblical scholars vehemently challenge the findings, pointing out that ice was not intelligently designed until much later.
--------------------
THE JOURNAL NATURE REPORTS THAT DENTAL DRILLING DATES BACK TO 5500 B.C. PERFORMED WITH FLINT DRILL HEADS AND A SMALL BOW. (USA Today 4/6)
Fossils found in a Pakistan graveyard include repaired molars, flint chips and a stone sign with a crudely-carved inscription: "Painless Og."
--------------------
PRISON OFFICIALS IN TENNESSEE BANNED PEANUT BUTTER AFTER DISCOVERING THE JARS WERE BEING USED TO STORE DRUGS. (Time Magazine 4/10)
Alert guards got wise when they noticed a line of cocaine stuck to the roof of an inmate's nose.
--------------------
"REAL HEROES" IS A LINE OF ARMY-AUTHORIZED 6-INCH TOY SOLDIERS MODELED AFTER FOUR REAL G.I.'S WHO HAVE WON BRONZE OR SILVER STARS IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN. (Time Magazine 4/10)
They come with optional prosthetic limbs in case the kids' war games get a little too realistic.
--------------------
RON KESSLER, AUTHOR OF "LAURA BUSH: AN INTIMATE PORTRAIT," CLAIMS THAT SHE WAS "APPALLED" AT HOW HILLARY CLINTON HAD DECORATED THE LIVING QUARTERS. (Fox News 4/4)
Luckily, quick-thinking aides didn't let her see what Monica had done to the Oval Office.
--------------------
BRIAN DOYLE, PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICER FOR THE HOMELAND SECURITY DEPARTMENT, WAS ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH USING A COMPUTER IN AN ATTEMPT TO SEDUCE A CHILD. (Cable News Network 4/4)
Bush called him up and said, "Good job, Doylie!"
--------------------
MISSISSIPPI, ALABAMA,TENNESSEE, GEORGIA AND SOUTH CAROLINA ARE CRACKING DOWN ON "HOG-DOG RODEOS," IN WHICH PIT BULLS ARE UNLEASHED ON WILD HOGS. (USA Today 4/5)
And just when polo was beginning to catch on in Sleepy Holler.
--------------------
WISCONSIN VOTERS WENT TO THE POLLS TO DECIDE WHETHER THE U.S. SHOULD KEEP TROOPS IN IRAQ. (USA Today 4/4)
The Pentagon is so furious, they're threatening a cheese boycott.
--------------------
A STOCKHOLM UNIVERSITY STUDY SHOWS THAT SWEDEN COOPERATED WITH THE NAZIS BY BANNING MARRIAGE BETWEEN "ARYAN GERMANS" AND SWEDISH JEWS. (USA Today 4/5)
And they weren't too pleased with Ingrid Bergman, either.
--------------------
NINETY-FIVE PERCENT OF DELTA PILOTS VOTED TO AUTHORIZE A STRIKE. (USA Today 4/5)
The other 5% favors one too, but they were stacked up over Chicago.
--------------------
BASEBALL PITCHER DWIGHT GOODEN FACES 5 YEARS IN PRISON FOR COCAINE USE WHILE ON PROBATION... AND WASHINGTON REDSKIN SEAN TAYLOR FACES UP TO 45 YEARS ON AGGRIVATED ASSAULT CHARGES. (USA Today 4/5)
They probably won't share the same cell, though. Prison officials have found that housing pro baseball and football players in the same unit promotes gang tension.
--------------------
HANK WILLIAMS,JR., WHO SANG THE "MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL" THEME SONG, WAS CHARGED WITH ASSAULTING A WAITRESS IN MEMPHIS. (USA Today 4/5)
"Ready to pose for some MUG SHOTS???"
--------------------
DISNEY WILL LAUNCH A CELL PHONE SERVICE DUBBED "DISNEY MOBILE" AIMED AT 10-15 YEAR OLDS. (USA Today 4/5)
Activation is free if their parents agree to watch Michael Eisner's talk show for a year.
--------------------
AT THE PREMIERE OF "BASIC INSTINCT 2," SHARON STONE TOLD REPORTERS, "IF GUYS WILL KEEP THINKING I'M HOT, I MAY TURN IT INTO A TV SERIES." (Time Magazine 4/10)
Honey, opening weekend, you weren't hot enough to melt "Ice Age."
--------------------
TOM DELAY ANNOUNCED THAT HE'LL STEP DOWN IN MAY, WON'T SEEK REELECTION. (USA Today 4/4)
Aside from his legal troubles, friends say other factors contributed to his decision:
1] Katherine Harris was threatening to endorce him.
2] Slammer-bound aides are forming a new Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
3] The election is too close to the skin-shedding season.
4] Persistant rumors that he was about to be expelled from his golf club, Houston's tony "Douche Bag Hills."
5] Reports that Cheney has been skeet shooting using clay replicas of his head.
--------------------
MAYOR BLOOMBERG ASSURES NEW YORK'S JEWISH LEADERS THAT SECURITY WILL BE TIGHTENED FOR PASSOVER. (USA Today 4/4)
Using their new, state-of-the-art matzo ball x-ray machine.
--------------------
TRENT LOTT SAYS "BILL FRIST WON'T GO DOWN AS ONE OF THE GREATS AND DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE AT THE PRESIDENCY." (USA Today 4/4)
Frist told reporters he won't comment until he can make a proper diagnosis from the video.
--------------------
JULIA ROBERTS' BROADWAY DEBUT IN "THREE DAYS OF RAIN" GROSSED AN IMPRESSIVE $988,298 ITS FIRST WEEK. (USA Today 4/4)
Impressive until one remembers that's about one tenth of what she got for five minutes in "Oceans Twelve."
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
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And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ