;

FRI, SAT, SUN, June 18, 19, 20, 2010

LAFFS From The PAST    (From our issue dated June 20, 2000)

Rabid net fans went berserk following the LA Lakers' 116-111 win over the Indiana Pacers to cop the title.  While Laker fans were setting fire to police cars, Pacer supporters were attempting to overturn Jack Nicholson.

A New York Family Court judge has ordered Mick Jagger to report his net worth by August 1 to decide how much he'll pay to support that son he fathered with a Brazilian model.   It should take that long just to have Keith Richards appraised.

Blistered by critics as an "empty star turn," MacBeth, starring Kelsey Grammer, will close after only thirteen performances.     Grammer's acting was so dreadful, "Eddie," the dog on Frasier, is now refusing to work with him.

The Supreme Court has ruled that prayers led by students at high school football games violate the separation of church and state prohibition.  With one exception. Clarence Thomas may silently thank God for letting him on the Court.

Ford will cut back production of its gas-guzzling Excursion SUV because of rising gas prices.   Valuable lesson here. Never design a vehicle whose mileage is measured in "feet per gallon."

Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of an unidentified IRS agent who reportedly said to Will Rogers, "You're about to meet a man you won't like."

______________________________

Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

[From Bob Hope’s monologue in Perth, Australia in February, 1978]

*  These audiences are great, but Australians drink so much beer,  you’re talking to more people in the aisles than in the seats.

*  No, I love the beer here. One sip and you don’t feel old anymore.  Two sips and you don’t feel anything anymore.

These were not exaggerations. Down under, beer is the oil of industry.  Our rooms at the posh Parmelia Hotel were equipped with small refrigerators in which daily appeared two complimentary quarts of Swan Lager, an Aussie favorite. Like clockwork, at around nine, in would pop a jaunty bellman who’d grab a bottle and ask, “Can I uncork one for you, mate?”  To decline would have been ungracious toward our hosts. Wouldn’t it?

*  I’ve never seen so many beautiful girls. Perth wasn’t only the first city the astronauts saw from space — it was the first one they looked for.

*  And the beaches here are so safe. The life guards give every girl mouth-to-mouth resuscitation — whether she needs it or not.

Aside from its gorgeous women, Australia boasts the best-trained lifeguards in the world. While shooting segments for the show on the beach, crack teams of them could be seen drilling nearby, racing through the surf in longboats. Matching the Aussies’ love of the water is a great respect for its power.
Of course, Hope wasn’t about to spend two weeks in a foreign land without his sticks.

*  I love your golf courses. Yesterday, I had a great caddie. He was carrying my clubs in a pouch.

*  On the third hole, my ball was okay, but my caddie took a bad hop. 

*  But it worked out great. He could run faster than I could hit.

Passport Photo Finish
Following the monologue, we set the stage for our obligatory customs sketch — always surefire in a foreign country — featuring Hope, Barbara and Florence as themselves confronted by an ultra-suspicious customs officer (Charo).

(Up on busy airport lobby)

ANNOUNCER: (V.O.) Will the Bob Hope party please report to Customs.

(Barbara Eden and Florence enter the arrival area and move toward a long table with a sign reading:  AUSTRALIAN CUSTOMS.)

BARBARA: What’s taking Bob so long? I’d sure like to get to the hotel.

FLORENCE: It takes time to organize a spontaneous demonstration.

BARBARA: I think I saw him signing autographs. It’s ten dollars an autograph.

FLORENCE: He gets ten dollars an autograph?

BARBARA: Oh, no. He pays it.

(Hope enters dressed in an Australian safari outfit: bush jacket, shorts, long stockings and a hat with the brim turned up on one side as is the Australian
custom)


HOPE: Okay, mates, billy me bloke, let’s go pick up a cobber and a jackeroo and catch us a dinkem boomerang, huh!
 

FLORENCE: Bob, what are you saying?
 

HOPE: I don’t know, but five stewardesses thought it was hilarious.
 

This is a classic gag formula that appeared in many Hope sketches. We
called it the “I don’t know, but... ” setup. In a sketch at the Air Force
Academy, Hope enters and says “Cadet Hope reporting as ordered, sir!  Flaps up, wheels down, zeroes at eleven o’clock, coming in on a wing and a prayer, bombs away, A-OK, roger, over and out!”  Loni Anderson asks, “What does all that mean?”  Hope says “I have no idea, but it sure made a star out of Jimmy
Stewart.”
 

BARBARA: Are you sure it wasn’t your legs?
 

HOPE: Owww, there’s so much jealousy in this business. (bangs on table) How about some service here!
 

BARBARA: Oh, look, he’s doing his David Niven impression.
 

HOPE: Now let me do the talking. I know how to handle these Australian accents. (calls out) What say in there, cobbers?  How about some service!
 

(Charo enters dressed as a customs officer: short shorts, white blouse with the buttons unfastened. She looks gorgeous)
 

Charo had been discovered at age sixteen by band leader Xavier Cougat.  Her drop-dead Spanish beauty coupled with an accent that tended to pummel the English language into submission, had insured many return visits to The Merv Griffin Show, where she became well-known to viewers — most of whom were stunned when learning for the first time that she played classical Spanish guitar like she’d been raised by Andre Segovia.  Charo was a Hope favorite and would appear on our World Series special later this same year.
Continued Next Week    

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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!

DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY

DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)

BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?


"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."

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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99

Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.

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