After twenty-five years with CNN, venerable talk host Larry King has announced he’ll hang up his suspenders. Actually, he planned to make the announcement in April but decided to notify all of his ex-wives first, so…
Foreign tourists have been left stranded by a strike of Greek public service workers seeking higher wages and pensions. It’s so bad, visiting American school teachers are having to settle for being picked up by temp gigolos flown in from Italy.
Mexico City police arrested a 22-year old matador who abandoned the bull he was fighting, jumped out of the ring and fled into the crowd. Later, the judge was unimpressed when he pleaded “temporary sanity.”
A London couturier has created what he claims is the world’s most expensive suit of cashmere wool, Chinese silk and diamonds woven into the fabric. He’s close, but the costliest suit on record was the one hanging over Sandra Bullock’s bedroom chair when she came home early from a canceled night shoot.
To publicize the plight of the homeless, environmentalists in Rome constructed an entire hotel out of discarded rubbish they had collected from bins throughout the city. Rock groups are ecstatic. The rooms come pre-trashed.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
London Derriere
London, April 1979. It's the day before we're scheduled to tape an hour-long special, “An Evening at the Palladium, for a black-tie audience that will include Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip. Gig Henry and I are going over the script
with Hope in his dressing room, and, as usual when he was about to perform for royalty, he's wrestling with some last-minute jitters. ("She has the keys to the Tower of London." ) Also present are executive producers Sid Vinnage and Elliott Kozak, and a British writing team who had been hired to assist us, Dick Vosburgh and Gary Chambers.
The phone rings. Hope picks it up, and on the other end of the line is one of our guest stars, Richard Burton, whose voice fills the room even though it's not a speaker-phone. It seems that Dick's "people" - read new wife of some three weeks, one of Burton's "between Liz" marriages - don't think it's in the actor's best interest to be doing a love scene with co-star Raquel Welch in a sketch we'd prepared for them - a parody of the popular PBS series “Upstairs, Downstairs” that we had re-titled “Backstairs at Buckingham Palace.” Hope cups his hand over the mouthpiece and asks us if we can rewrite the sketch omitting the kissing. We all shake our heads "no" - if the love scenes go, there's no sketch. Hope tells Burton he'll get back to him and hangs up. We carefully go over the sketch line-by-line just to be sure, and Hope agrees that, unless Burton has lip privileges with the downstairs chambermaid, we'll have to write a whole new sketch, and time, as they say over there, is frightfully short.
Hope gets an idea. He calls Burton back and asks him if it would help if the chambermaid were someone other than Raquel. Several minutes elapse while Dick again checks with his people. That would solve the problem very nicely, he tells Hope. Goodbye, Raquel. Vinnage starts calling his British contacts and soon locates actress Susan George who's appearing in a stage play about three hundred miles from London. Susan, an experienced performer who had recently costarred with Dustin Hoffman in the popular American movie, “Straw Dogs,” agrees to step in for Raquel despite a case of laryngitis, finishes her matinee and arrives at the Palladium just hours before showtime.
After a quick rehearsal, she bravely goes on for Raquel and ends up sharing equal-billing with Welch, Burton and Leslie Uggams. Later, Raquel explains to a group of British reporters that she had rejected the sketch because she was unhappy with her lines. This time, we were happy to take the rap.
Tomorrow: the Heart Attack Scare
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
;
WEDNESDAY, June 30, 2010
The new Viagra for women failed to get approval by the FDA. It delivered as promised all right, but by the time the test subjects dimmed the lights, lit the candles, adjusted the volume on a Johnny Mathis album, and donned revealing lingerie, they’d forgotten what they were so excited about.
Chest x-rays found among the personal effects of Marilyn Monroe at the time of her death have sold at auction for $45,000. Behavioral scientists believe they're the earliest evidence of Marilyn’s insatiable propensity to disrobe in front of any kind of camera.
Memo to the elementary school officials in Provincetown, Massachusetts who have begun distributing condoms to students riding the school bus: That School Board directive asking you to “make the kids safer” meant by installing seat belts… SEAT BELTS!
Oprah Winfrey dethroned last year’s winner Angelina Jolie as Forbes Magazine’s “Celebrity Top Ten List.” Relegated to #18, Angelina was at a disadvantage since this is the first year sub-Saharan orphans awaiting adoption weren’t allowed to vote.
Visiting royal Prince Harry was taken on a complete tour of New York City, during which he proudly wore a METS ball cap. Not that he even follows American baseball -- someone told him METS stands for “Manchester England’s Tetherball Squad.”
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
JUST THE FAX, MA'AM
Hope was interested in new technology even though his knowledge of matters scientific was limited. When facsimile machines first came on the market, we were confident that they would streamline our system of getting material to him on the road. So we decided to use a little drama to introduce him to the new technology. The earliest faxes were installed in hotels for the convenience of their business guests. Ward Grant, Hope's PR man, was the first to put a machine in his office, so we decided to use it to demonstrate their value the next time he called for material.
A few days later, he called me from New York. He was leaving shortly to fly to his next gig in Boston and needed lines on several breaking news stories. "I'll call you around three your time after I get to the hotel," he said. Ordinarily, I'd notify the others, and they'd call me back with their lines to deliver to Hope verbally. But this time, we'd deliver our typed pages to Ward's office, and he'd fax them to the hotel in Boston with a request to the desk clerk to deliver them to Hope's room at precisely six o'clock.
As always, his call was right on time. "Have the stuff?" he asked. "No," I said, "you do." At that moment, I could hear the bellman's knock. "Hold on, there's someone at the door." Hope got up, and I could hear the clerk delivering our material. He returned to the phone. "What is this?"
"It's what you ordered, sir." Well, to say he was dumbfounded would be an understatement. As he leafed through the pages, he was floored. "How did you guys do this?" "Cutting edge technology, Bob. Pretty neat, isn't it?" He just couldn't believe we could send him pages over a telephone line that looked exactly as they did back home.
"How did you get to Boston?" I asked. "I flew." "No, you didn't. You sat down in an aluminum tube in New York and got out in Boston. The plane did the flying. Do you understand what kept the plane in the air?" "Well... not really." "I don't know how a fax works, either - but we're going to love it."
LINEMEN FOR THE COUNTY
While assignments like eulogies and commencement addresses were included in our job description, the bulk of our creative output was devoted to Hope’s stage act and the television specials. And when it came to television, our services weren’t limited to his own shows. Whenever he was booked on someone else’s show, he made sure to request a script well in advance to give us ample opportunity to “punch up” his lines. The standing rule was that we couldn’t tamper with the speeches of other performers but were encouraged to submit as many alternate lines for him as we could. If for example, we were asked to punch up a sketch for “The Pat Boone Show” in which Hope is cast as an Indian attending the first Thanksgiving dinner — a perfect example since he actually did this one year — we might come up with the following exchange:
PAT (as a Pilgrim): What’s the matter, Chief? Don’t you like
roast turkey?
HOPE: Turkey fine, but I think I’m sitting on a giblet.
Now as long as we leave Pat’s straight line alone, we can conjure up a wide variety of responses, providing that they don’t affect the plot:
• White man still finding ways to give Indians the bird.
• Anything with this many feathers we usually marry.
• Chief just bit into part of turkey that jump over teepee last.
• Don’t say the word “turkey” to me so soon after my last show.
The problem was that Hope would arrive at the taping armed with his own secret arsenal of punchlines that no one else on the show would hear until he actually delivered them. To make matters worse, he’d try a different line on each retake — a practice that produced panic in directors and had fellow cast members furiously rechecking their scripts. It was no surprise that there were more than a few variety shows on which Hope was not welcome. Producers tended to resent guests who volunteered their own material rather than that provided. The plain fact was that Hope didn’t trust writers who weren’t on his own payroll; and from long experience, he knew that the script didn’t exist that couldn’t be improved. And Hope figured that the more comedic ammunition he
could lob at the audience, the more bull’s eyes he’d score. He and Bing had done the road pictures this way, and it had proved a winning formula; although Dorothy Lamour admitted years later that she resented the boys allowing their writers to suggest lines between takes. Maybe because she didn’t have her own writers. Dorothy recalled an incident on the set that took place after the cast had broken for lunch, during which Bob and Bing had huddled with their writers for some last-minute script revision. When they resumed shooting, Dorothy said she didn’t recognize a word and thought she was in the wrong movie. At this point, according to Dorothy, Bing turned to her — with the camera still rolling — and said, “If you see an opening, Dot, jump in!”
While I missed Hope’s feature movie career by five years — his final film, “Cancel My Reservation,” was released in 1972 — in 1986 he costarred in a movie for television called “A Masterpiece of Murder” with Don Ameche, Jayne Meadows, Stella Stevens, and Anne Francis. Every day throughout the month-long shooting schedule in Vancouver, we’d receive pages of the script to comedically enliven. As usual, we did what we were trained to do — stick in a joke whenever we detected a suitable opening. Several years later, Jayne Meadows complained to an interviewer that “Not only didn’t [Hope] know his lines, but I always had the impression that he didn’t know what he was saying.” The explanation, of course, was that he was the only one who knew what he was saying, thanks to one of our infamous punch-up jobs.
Tomorrow: Richard Burton won’t kiss Raquel Welch? We’ll find out why
______________________
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
Chest x-rays found among the personal effects of Marilyn Monroe at the time of her death have sold at auction for $45,000. Behavioral scientists believe they're the earliest evidence of Marilyn’s insatiable propensity to disrobe in front of any kind of camera.
Memo to the elementary school officials in Provincetown, Massachusetts who have begun distributing condoms to students riding the school bus: That School Board directive asking you to “make the kids safer” meant by installing seat belts… SEAT BELTS!
Oprah Winfrey dethroned last year’s winner Angelina Jolie as Forbes Magazine’s “Celebrity Top Ten List.” Relegated to #18, Angelina was at a disadvantage since this is the first year sub-Saharan orphans awaiting adoption weren’t allowed to vote.
Visiting royal Prince Harry was taken on a complete tour of New York City, during which he proudly wore a METS ball cap. Not that he even follows American baseball -- someone told him METS stands for “Manchester England’s Tetherball Squad.”
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
JUST THE FAX, MA'AM
Hope was interested in new technology even though his knowledge of matters scientific was limited. When facsimile machines first came on the market, we were confident that they would streamline our system of getting material to him on the road. So we decided to use a little drama to introduce him to the new technology. The earliest faxes were installed in hotels for the convenience of their business guests. Ward Grant, Hope's PR man, was the first to put a machine in his office, so we decided to use it to demonstrate their value the next time he called for material.
A few days later, he called me from New York. He was leaving shortly to fly to his next gig in Boston and needed lines on several breaking news stories. "I'll call you around three your time after I get to the hotel," he said. Ordinarily, I'd notify the others, and they'd call me back with their lines to deliver to Hope verbally. But this time, we'd deliver our typed pages to Ward's office, and he'd fax them to the hotel in Boston with a request to the desk clerk to deliver them to Hope's room at precisely six o'clock.
As always, his call was right on time. "Have the stuff?" he asked. "No," I said, "you do." At that moment, I could hear the bellman's knock. "Hold on, there's someone at the door." Hope got up, and I could hear the clerk delivering our material. He returned to the phone. "What is this?"
"It's what you ordered, sir." Well, to say he was dumbfounded would be an understatement. As he leafed through the pages, he was floored. "How did you guys do this?" "Cutting edge technology, Bob. Pretty neat, isn't it?" He just couldn't believe we could send him pages over a telephone line that looked exactly as they did back home.
"How did you get to Boston?" I asked. "I flew." "No, you didn't. You sat down in an aluminum tube in New York and got out in Boston. The plane did the flying. Do you understand what kept the plane in the air?" "Well... not really." "I don't know how a fax works, either - but we're going to love it."
LINEMEN FOR THE COUNTY
While assignments like eulogies and commencement addresses were included in our job description, the bulk of our creative output was devoted to Hope’s stage act and the television specials. And when it came to television, our services weren’t limited to his own shows. Whenever he was booked on someone else’s show, he made sure to request a script well in advance to give us ample opportunity to “punch up” his lines. The standing rule was that we couldn’t tamper with the speeches of other performers but were encouraged to submit as many alternate lines for him as we could. If for example, we were asked to punch up a sketch for “The Pat Boone Show” in which Hope is cast as an Indian attending the first Thanksgiving dinner — a perfect example since he actually did this one year — we might come up with the following exchange:
PAT (as a Pilgrim): What’s the matter, Chief? Don’t you like
roast turkey?
HOPE: Turkey fine, but I think I’m sitting on a giblet.
Now as long as we leave Pat’s straight line alone, we can conjure up a wide variety of responses, providing that they don’t affect the plot:
• White man still finding ways to give Indians the bird.
• Anything with this many feathers we usually marry.
• Chief just bit into part of turkey that jump over teepee last.
• Don’t say the word “turkey” to me so soon after my last show.
The problem was that Hope would arrive at the taping armed with his own secret arsenal of punchlines that no one else on the show would hear until he actually delivered them. To make matters worse, he’d try a different line on each retake — a practice that produced panic in directors and had fellow cast members furiously rechecking their scripts. It was no surprise that there were more than a few variety shows on which Hope was not welcome. Producers tended to resent guests who volunteered their own material rather than that provided. The plain fact was that Hope didn’t trust writers who weren’t on his own payroll; and from long experience, he knew that the script didn’t exist that couldn’t be improved. And Hope figured that the more comedic ammunition he
could lob at the audience, the more bull’s eyes he’d score. He and Bing had done the road pictures this way, and it had proved a winning formula; although Dorothy Lamour admitted years later that she resented the boys allowing their writers to suggest lines between takes. Maybe because she didn’t have her own writers. Dorothy recalled an incident on the set that took place after the cast had broken for lunch, during which Bob and Bing had huddled with their writers for some last-minute script revision. When they resumed shooting, Dorothy said she didn’t recognize a word and thought she was in the wrong movie. At this point, according to Dorothy, Bing turned to her — with the camera still rolling — and said, “If you see an opening, Dot, jump in!”
Tomorrow: Richard Burton won’t kiss Raquel Welch? We’ll find out why
______________________
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
TUESDAY, June 29, 2010
Good news for Gen. Stanley McChrystal who was relieved of his command in Afghanistan after an article critical of President Obama and his aides was published in Rolling Stone Magazine -- the general may keep his medals. He’s been granted emblematic immunity.
Eliminated from World Cup competition by Ghana, the US soccer team has withdrawn its appeal of that goal-robbing call in their previous game -- which is still believed to be the worst ruling against an American team since that umpire ejected Kate Hudson from the Yankee bullpen.
A recent study shows the total prison population in the US has declined for the first time since 1982. Experts credit a lower recidivism rate, better job training and widespread fear among criminals of having to bunk with Bernie Madoff, Phil Spector or that weird Kennedy cousin.
A recent study showed that surgeries performed in July are the most likely to go wrong. In particular specialties, proctologists have most of their mishaps in December -- thought be caused by their humming “Over the River and Through the Woods” during the procedure.
A survey commissioned by the CDC shows that the average American ingests 3500 milligrams of sodium daily -- twice that recommended for good health. In biblical times, to get that much salt in one’s system, you had to look back over your shoulder at Sodom and Gomorrah.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Perry Como hosted The Kraft Music Hall from 1959 to 1967 and had posted some high chart stats with hits like "Catch a Falling Star," "Papa Loves Mambo," "Don't Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes" and "It's Impossible." Perry was a laid-back former barber, who like Dean Martin, spent most of his time on the golf course. Also like Dean, he loved singing but didn't care to get overly involved with other elements of his show- like rehearsing. (Dean actually preferred to study a tape of Greg Garrison, his producer, rehearsing in his place!)
Perry's musical director, Ray Charles (who was nicknamed "the Sighted One") told me that Perry was loath to rehearse the comedy bits on his show and would wing it, just reading his lines so he could get back on the tenth tee. But, said Charles, it never seemed to matter. Perry would read his lines straight and became adept in sketches since that's just the delivery they require. I learned what Ray meant while working with Perry on our Scar Wars sketch. During dress rehearsal, he drifted over to me, impressive in his Luke Sleepwalker costume and holding his light saber which he was about to use to try to decapitate Barf Vader. He whispered as though a little embarrassed, "Bob, can I ask you a question?" I said "Sure, Perry," thinking he was having a problem with a line - although he had seemed confident reading Barney's cards. Sheepishly, he said, "I've been out on the course a lot lately and may have missed something. Is this sketch based on a movie?" Later, in his stand-up spot with Hope, he would give us this classic outtake for our blooper special:
HOPE: And now it's my pleasure
(Music: "Come Along With Me")
PERRY: Thank you, Robert. But for your
information, all Italians don't sing, you know.
HOPE: Really?
PERRY: How about a guy like - no -
(starts over) All Italians
don't sing, you know - how about Sophia Loren?
HOPE: You doing a monologue?
I thought I had a line in there
someplace. (Perry laughs) And
you did it twice. You do
your own retakes, or what?
By this point, Perry was laughing so hard, he was holding on to Hope for support. The clip made it onto our blooper reel and has replayed on the air several times. Perry was a kind, gentle, sweet man.
Clattering Antlers
Our major challenge each year was coming up with fresh ideas for sketches that wouldn't recall chestnuts from the past. Of course, Santa sketches were always sure bets, but before sticking a red suit and beard on Hope, we had to make sure we had a new spin as in this 1985 outing in which Angie Dickinson - in her role as Police Woman - arrests him on suspicion of burglary:
HOPE: (spotting plate near tree):
Ummm, my favorite - prune-flavored
Ding Dongs.
ANGIE: (surprising him, with gun): Okay,
fat boy, drop your Ding Dong!
And don't think Hope didn't have to dance around the Yule Log with the censors to save that one. For our 1980 show, we dipped him in plastic and cast him as a department store mannequin opposite former M*A*S*H nurse, Loretta Swit. The store has closed at day's end, and they realize they're alone:
LORETTA: Have you ever
been married?
HOPE: Almost. Once. We were
modeling in bathroom supplies.
She was the Liquid Plumber Girl,
and I was the Tidy Bowl Man.
We were meant for each other.
LORETTA: What happened?
HOPE: I guess it all went down
the drain.
Yule Chimes
Hope had introduced the classic "Silver Bells," the Jay Livingston and Ray Evans classic, in the movie The Lemon Drop Kid and he sang it on every Christmas special - in a different setting - with duet mates ranging from Olivia Newton-John, Katherine Crosby, Loretta Swit, Bonnie Franklin and Melissa Manchester to Winona Judd, Reba McEntire, Dolly Parton, Marie Osmond and - whenever the featured female guest was tone deaf - his wife, Dolores.
This holiday format held Hope in good stead for over forty years, and, despite the onset of his declining health in the early nineties, NBC continued airing some sort of Hope Christmas special until 1994 when he took down the holly and the mistletoe for the final time, leaving no doubt that he had become an integral part of Christmas for millions of Americans.
Tomorrow: Introducing Hope to modern technology
______________________
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
Eliminated from World Cup competition by Ghana, the US soccer team has withdrawn its appeal of that goal-robbing call in their previous game -- which is still believed to be the worst ruling against an American team since that umpire ejected Kate Hudson from the Yankee bullpen.
A recent study shows the total prison population in the US has declined for the first time since 1982. Experts credit a lower recidivism rate, better job training and widespread fear among criminals of having to bunk with Bernie Madoff, Phil Spector or that weird Kennedy cousin.
A recent study showed that surgeries performed in July are the most likely to go wrong. In particular specialties, proctologists have most of their mishaps in December -- thought be caused by their humming “Over the River and Through the Woods” during the procedure.
A survey commissioned by the CDC shows that the average American ingests 3500 milligrams of sodium daily -- twice that recommended for good health. In biblical times, to get that much salt in one’s system, you had to look back over your shoulder at Sodom and Gomorrah.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Perry Como hosted The Kraft Music Hall from 1959 to 1967 and had posted some high chart stats with hits like "Catch a Falling Star," "Papa Loves Mambo," "Don't Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes" and "It's Impossible." Perry was a laid-back former barber, who like Dean Martin, spent most of his time on the golf course. Also like Dean, he loved singing but didn't care to get overly involved with other elements of his show- like rehearsing. (Dean actually preferred to study a tape of Greg Garrison, his producer, rehearsing in his place!)
Perry's musical director, Ray Charles (who was nicknamed "the Sighted One") told me that Perry was loath to rehearse the comedy bits on his show and would wing it, just reading his lines so he could get back on the tenth tee. But, said Charles, it never seemed to matter. Perry would read his lines straight and became adept in sketches since that's just the delivery they require. I learned what Ray meant while working with Perry on our Scar Wars sketch. During dress rehearsal, he drifted over to me, impressive in his Luke Sleepwalker costume and holding his light saber which he was about to use to try to decapitate Barf Vader. He whispered as though a little embarrassed, "Bob, can I ask you a question?" I said "Sure, Perry," thinking he was having a problem with a line - although he had seemed confident reading Barney's cards. Sheepishly, he said, "I've been out on the course a lot lately and may have missed something. Is this sketch based on a movie?" Later, in his stand-up spot with Hope, he would give us this classic outtake for our blooper special:
HOPE: And now it's my pleasure
to introduce a real novelty -
an Italian who sings. Ladies and
gentlemen, Perry Como!an Italian who sings. Ladies and
(Music: "Come Along With Me")
PERRY: Thank you, Robert. But for your
information, all Italians don't sing, you know.
HOPE: Really?
PERRY: How about a guy like - no -
(starts over) All Italians
don't sing, you know - how about Sophia Loren?
HOPE: You doing a monologue?
I thought I had a line in there
someplace. (Perry laughs) And
you did it twice. You do
your own retakes, or what?
By this point, Perry was laughing so hard, he was holding on to Hope for support. The clip made it onto our blooper reel and has replayed on the air several times. Perry was a kind, gentle, sweet man.
Clattering Antlers
Our major challenge each year was coming up with fresh ideas for sketches that wouldn't recall chestnuts from the past. Of course, Santa sketches were always sure bets, but before sticking a red suit and beard on Hope, we had to make sure we had a new spin as in this 1985 outing in which Angie Dickinson - in her role as Police Woman - arrests him on suspicion of burglary:
HOPE: (spotting plate near tree):
Ummm, my favorite - prune-flavored
Ding Dongs.
ANGIE: (surprising him, with gun): Okay,
fat boy, drop your Ding Dong!
And don't think Hope didn't have to dance around the Yule Log with the censors to save that one. For our 1980 show, we dipped him in plastic and cast him as a department store mannequin opposite former M*A*S*H nurse, Loretta Swit. The store has closed at day's end, and they realize they're alone:
LORETTA: Have you ever
been married?
HOPE: Almost. Once. We were
modeling in bathroom supplies.
She was the Liquid Plumber Girl,
and I was the Tidy Bowl Man.
We were meant for each other.
LORETTA: What happened?
HOPE: I guess it all went down
the drain.
Yule Chimes
Hope had introduced the classic "Silver Bells," the Jay Livingston and Ray Evans classic, in the movie The Lemon Drop Kid and he sang it on every Christmas special - in a different setting - with duet mates ranging from Olivia Newton-John, Katherine Crosby, Loretta Swit, Bonnie Franklin and Melissa Manchester to Winona Judd, Reba McEntire, Dolly Parton, Marie Osmond and - whenever the featured female guest was tone deaf - his wife, Dolores.
This holiday format held Hope in good stead for over forty years, and, despite the onset of his declining health in the early nineties, NBC continued airing some sort of Hope Christmas special until 1994 when he took down the holly and the mistletoe for the final time, leaving no doubt that he had become an integral part of Christmas for millions of Americans.
Tomorrow: Introducing Hope to modern technology
______________________
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
MONDAY, June 28, 2010
Recently, the NCAA imposed a two-year bowl ban on USC for rule violations that included illegal payments to athletes of cash and real estate. An investigation is still underway but it looks like O.J. Simpson may have to turn over his Malibu beach house, his Heisman Trophy and the murder weapon.
Narcotics officers arrested a woman who flew from Ohio to California carrying 506 pounds of marijuana. It just wasn’t her day. Earlier, Delta had threatened to toss her off the plane when she was found to have more than the 20 plants they allow in the overhead bin.
In Philadelphia, an early seventeenth century colonial inn believed to be the oldest in the nation is on the market. Popular among the Founding Fathers, it’s believed to have been the country’s first BB and W -- Bed, Bath & Wench.
In Columbus, Ohio, a six-story Styrofoam statue of Jesus burned to the ground after being struck by lightening. Mutual of Omaha is refusing to pay the archdiocese the cost of a replacement citing their rarely-invoked “act of god-to-himself” clause.
Bowing to complaints from an Italian-American group, the scripts of “Jersey Shore” will include fewer derogatory references to Italians. All it took was a conciliatory meeting followed by an old-fashioned Italian dinner and a severed horse’s head Fed-Exed to the producer.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
As comedically uninspired as the football segment was, it was Your Show of Shows compared to Hope’s interview of the Pasadena Rose Queen who annually showed up on stage with her entire eight-member court. Ranking among our most dreaded assignments, it forced us to do something that went against our very nature and training — think bland. It was difficult enough to dream up amusing repartee between Hope and a starlet, or a politician, or even an astronaut, but it was torture trying to come up with jokes for a rich high-school kid. (The royalty was chosen from tony institutions in Pasadena or La Cañada.)
(Music up: “You’re the Top”)
HOPE: I’m the pits...
I’m an Edi A-meanie...
I’m the pits...
I am cold linguini...
I’m a lunar louse,
Who will tear your house to bits...
’Cuz, baby, I’m Barf Vader...
I’m the pits!
(He turns his back to the camera, and we see printed
across his cape: HONK IF YOU LOVE ROTTEN.)
Princess Hialeah introduces her sister, the grossly obese Princess Gluttonia, who waddles over to Perry and attempts to kiss him. Perry sings: It’s impossible, to get my arms around you, it’s impossible... (Can you believe the depths to which we would stoop to collect ASCAP royalties?) Following some swordplay with our version of light sabers called Life Savers, and the announcement by Barf that he now has an even more powerful weapon than The Force, called the credit card force (Did we run out of gas on this one or not?), the festivities conclude with the arrival of the real Luke Skywalker, Mark Hamill, accompanied by some burly, uniformed Los Angeles cops. They cuff Barf and lead him off.
“What’s the charge?” asks Hope. “Public defacement of a marvelous movie!” says Hamill. After watching this sketch, we were on the verge of calling Hope’s lawyers to bail us out of jail; but luckily, Mark was only kidding and the cops were extras. But why take a chance? Just a year later, Hope would emcee the fiftieth Academy Awards presentation at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion (on which we got writing credit). Standing beside Fred Astaire, Jack Nicholson, Natalie Wood, Kirk Douglas, Greer Garson, Joan Fontaine, Barbara Stanwyck and William Holden, Hope delivered this opening line: “Welcome to the real Star Wars.”
Continued tomorrow…
______________________
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
Narcotics officers arrested a woman who flew from Ohio to California carrying 506 pounds of marijuana. It just wasn’t her day. Earlier, Delta had threatened to toss her off the plane when she was found to have more than the 20 plants they allow in the overhead bin.
In Philadelphia, an early seventeenth century colonial inn believed to be the oldest in the nation is on the market. Popular among the Founding Fathers, it’s believed to have been the country’s first BB and W -- Bed, Bath & Wench.
In Columbus, Ohio, a six-story Styrofoam statue of Jesus burned to the ground after being struck by lightening. Mutual of Omaha is refusing to pay the archdiocese the cost of a replacement citing their rarely-invoked “act of god-to-himself” clause.
Bowing to complaints from an Italian-American group, the scripts of “Jersey Shore” will include fewer derogatory references to Italians. All it took was a conciliatory meeting followed by an old-fashioned Italian dinner and a severed horse’s head Fed-Exed to the producer.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
As comedically uninspired as the football segment was, it was Your Show of Shows compared to Hope’s interview of the Pasadena Rose Queen who annually showed up on stage with her entire eight-member court. Ranking among our most dreaded assignments, it forced us to do something that went against our very nature and training — think bland. It was difficult enough to dream up amusing repartee between Hope and a starlet, or a politician, or even an astronaut, but it was torture trying to come up with jokes for a rich high-school kid. (The royalty was chosen from tony institutions in Pasadena or La Cañada.)
After covering her love of horses, dream of becoming a brain surgeon, or her collection of porcelain elephants, we never failed to have the Tiara-ed-one play straight to Hope’s self-deprecating AARP-ster in an exchange like this:
QUEEN: Gee, Mr. Hope, you look so
QUEEN: Gee, Mr. Hope, you look so
young for your age. How do you do it?
HOPE: Well, I attribute it to clean living,
HOPE: Well, I attribute it to clean living,
a sensible diet, and a makeup man who
wants to see his children again.
Or, “a makeup man who has a summer home in Lourdes.” We had a drawer full of these responses. But no amount of pleading — and, believe me, we begged — could persuade Hope to drop the Rose Queen segment. Most likely because it unabashedly hyped the Rose Parade which NBC covered each New Year’s Day.
Like I should complain. Because of NBC’s tie-in with the Rose Bowl Game, Hope received free tickets on the 50-yard line each year. As long as I was on the staff, we never missed one. Ironically, I am still involved in Rosemania. Each New Year’s Day I co-host a live broadcast from the Rose Parade in Pasadena. The three hour audio description reaches fifty-one radio stations for the blind via NPR satellite. Staffed by volunteers, the program is heard by 2.7 million listeners and is streamed live online at 8-11 A.M., PDT at www.larrs.org. Further irony — until I began broadcasting it in 2006, I had never seen the parade except on television. And, before you ask, I don’t interview the Rose Queen.
Hearth Invader
The year George Lucas propelled Star Wars across America’s movie screens, we couldn’t pass up an opportunity to spoof it. Our version, entitled Scar Wars, starred Olivia Newton-John as Princess Hialeah, Perry Como as Luke Sleepwalker, and Hope as Barf Vader. The epic would recount the abduction of Santa Claus, complete with his sled and reindeer, literally gobbled up by Vader’s space vehicle. (We ordered a small model of a space ship with a set of iron jaws in the front from the prop department.)
The Princess learns of the kidnapping and million-dollar ransom demand at Space Police Headquarters by phone — “If you speed, we can clock it, ’cuz we have a cop in an unmarked rocket!” Her deputy, Luke, challenges Barf to show up in person to collect the money. Hope says, “You’ll never catch me, you cosmic creeps!” Perry says, “That’s easy for you to say ten million miles away, but you’d never say it to my face!”
Or, “a makeup man who has a summer home in Lourdes.” We had a drawer full of these responses. But no amount of pleading — and, believe me, we begged — could persuade Hope to drop the Rose Queen segment. Most likely because it unabashedly hyped the Rose Parade which NBC covered each New Year’s Day.
Like I should complain. Because of NBC’s tie-in with the Rose Bowl Game, Hope received free tickets on the 50-yard line each year. As long as I was on the staff, we never missed one. Ironically, I am still involved in Rosemania. Each New Year’s Day I co-host a live broadcast from the Rose Parade in Pasadena. The three hour audio description reaches fifty-one radio stations for the blind via NPR satellite. Staffed by volunteers, the program is heard by 2.7 million listeners and is streamed live online at 8-11 A.M., PDT at www.larrs.org. Further irony — until I began broadcasting it in 2006, I had never seen the parade except on television. And, before you ask, I don’t interview the Rose Queen.
Hearth Invader
The year George Lucas propelled Star Wars across America’s movie screens, we couldn’t pass up an opportunity to spoof it. Our version, entitled Scar Wars, starred Olivia Newton-John as Princess Hialeah, Perry Como as Luke Sleepwalker, and Hope as Barf Vader. The epic would recount the abduction of Santa Claus, complete with his sled and reindeer, literally gobbled up by Vader’s space vehicle. (We ordered a small model of a space ship with a set of iron jaws in the front from the prop department.)
The Princess learns of the kidnapping and million-dollar ransom demand at Space Police Headquarters by phone — “If you speed, we can clock it, ’cuz we have a cop in an unmarked rocket!” Her deputy, Luke, challenges Barf to show up in person to collect the money. Hope says, “You’ll never catch me, you cosmic creeps!” Perry says, “That’s easy for you to say ten million miles away, but you’d never say it to my face!”
(Hope, dressed in a sinister-looking black leotard with a
cape and wearing a Darth-like mask, crashes through the
wall.)
HOPE: Sorry I’m late. The traffic was nose
cone-to-nose cone!cape and wearing a Darth-like mask, crashes through the
wall.)
HOPE: Sorry I’m late. The traffic was nose
(Music up: “You’re the Top”)
HOPE: I’m the pits...
I’m an Edi A-meanie...
I’m the pits...
I am cold linguini...
I’m a lunar louse,
Who will tear your house to bits...
’Cuz, baby, I’m Barf Vader...
I’m the pits!
(He turns his back to the camera, and we see printed
across his cape: HONK IF YOU LOVE ROTTEN.)
Princess Hialeah introduces her sister, the grossly obese Princess Gluttonia, who waddles over to Perry and attempts to kiss him. Perry sings: It’s impossible, to get my arms around you, it’s impossible... (Can you believe the depths to which we would stoop to collect ASCAP royalties?) Following some swordplay with our version of light sabers called Life Savers, and the announcement by Barf that he now has an even more powerful weapon than The Force, called the credit card force (Did we run out of gas on this one or not?), the festivities conclude with the arrival of the real Luke Skywalker, Mark Hamill, accompanied by some burly, uniformed Los Angeles cops. They cuff Barf and lead him off.
“What’s the charge?” asks Hope. “Public defacement of a marvelous movie!” says Hamill. After watching this sketch, we were on the verge of calling Hope’s lawyers to bail us out of jail; but luckily, Mark was only kidding and the cops were extras. But why take a chance? Just a year later, Hope would emcee the fiftieth Academy Awards presentation at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion (on which we got writing credit). Standing beside Fred Astaire, Jack Nicholson, Natalie Wood, Kirk Douglas, Greer Garson, Joan Fontaine, Barbara Stanwyck and William Holden, Hope delivered this opening line: “Welcome to the real Star Wars.”
Continued tomorrow…
______________________
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
FRI, SAT, SUN, June 25, 26, 27
LAFFS From The PAST (from our issue dated June 25, 2000)
Before a crowd of 20,000 fight fans gathered in Glasgow, Scotland, Mike Tyson dispatched Lou Savarese in 38 seconds of the first round. On his way to the canvas, Sevarese checked to make sure both of his ears were still intact.
The Clinton administration has unveiled a far-reaching, $58 billion proposal that would subsidize prescription drug coverage for elderly Americans and put a cap of $4000 on yearly out-of-pocket drug costs. The Republican plan, much simpler, less expensive and easier to administer, is pretty much summed up by their slogan: "Just Say No To Drugs."
Harley Davidson has withdrawn its application to obtain trademark protection for the sound made by its bikes while idling. Also copyrights on the terms "hog," "Hells Angels" and "cycle slut."
Researchers have developed a baby-formula like blood substitute derived from a byproduct of Teflon they call "Oxygent." Prompting the rock group to change their name to "Oxygent, Sweat and Tears."
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Harriet Beecher Stowe's publisher who said, "Now we need a sequel. How about 'Uncle Tom's Summer Cabin'?"
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
DAD & LAD
If we had a musical guest on the billboard, we'd try putting a Yuletide spin on a comedy duet as in this segment with Andy Williams. In it, Andy is Hope's pop dispensing fatherly advice. Hope is dressed in a Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit with a huge red tie. (Does that say Christmas or what?)
(Music: up)
ANDY: Small fry, struttin' by the pool room...Small fry, should be in the the school room...You'd best change your ways, you hear...Or Santa's gonna pass you by this year... (speaks)
Let me look at you, Son. (looks) Ugh. I told the doctor
when you were born, he was slapping the wrong end.
Son, I think it's time that we had a man-to-man talk.
HOPE: Oh, you mean about the birds and the bees?
ANDY: Exactly.
HOPE: I'd be glad to, Dad. What is it you don't understand?
(Music: up)
ANDY: Small fry, watchin' television... Small fry, without my
supervision...My, my, the things that you have seen...make
Playboy look like Parents Magazine.
HOPE: Tell me, Daddy, were you and Mommy happy when I
arrived?
ANDY: We were delighted.
HOPE: You mean that?
ANDY: Of course. You were cute. You were cuddly. And we
needed a deduction.
HOPE: Daddy, then how come I'm your only child?
ANDY: For the same reason no one ever bought two Edsels.
The day this number was shot, Andy was delayed at the airport so Hope asked me to stand in for him at rehearsal. When Andy arrived, I told him excitedly, "I stood in for you. I think you'll really like this spot." Andy just looked at me and said, "Then why don't you do it?" Stars really know how to deflate someone's balloon.
JOCK SHOCK
Each year, the Associated Press sports writers voted for their college dream team, and Hope would fly the winners to Burbank - at considerable expense, I might add - from all over the country. Their segment was taped in front of a simulated stadium backdrop made of heavy-gauge
cardboard that must have dated back to Hope's Pepsodent days - the bit originated as the Look Magazine All-Americans in the fifties. It was faded and frayed, but in keeping with Hope's unwillingness to change anything, it was dragged out year after year.
The material we wrote - using voluminous background information on each player sent by his school - was as raggedy as the set as each player would trot out in full uniform and announce his name, college, and position. Then Hope would deliver a joke befitting the guy's size,
speed, kicking or passing ability:
PLAYER: Dee Hardison, University of North Carolina, defensive tackle.
HOPE: At school, they call Dee "Peanut." That's because when he gets through with you, you're shelled, salted and stuffed into a jar of Skippy.
This continued until all thirty-two players had been introduced. Occasionally, we'd give a player a sassy remark that would top Hope's. By comedy standards, the spot was static and repetitious, but nonetheless was guaranteed a full eight minutes on every Christmas special we wrote.
As with all sketches, the problem each year was coming up with an ending that wouldn't look like the one we'd used in years past. Hope's favorite was some variation of this:
HOPE: Now, men, you need to realize that the game of football requires complete dedication. You must concentrate only on the game... focus on the task at hand... don't let anything - (A gorgeous girl dressed in a red bikini and a Santa hat crosses the stage seductively. The guys spot
her and follow her off, paying no attention to Hope)
HOPE: (to audience) Are these guys All-American, or what?
My favorite recollection of this segment was the year that a center named William "The Refrigerator" Perry was on the squad. After Hope had delivered his bon mot on the appliance's prowess-in-a-crouch, William turned to leave, and the camera caught the portion of his hind-quarter more commonly associated with plumbers. The audience laughter lasted about as long as it took wardrobe to locate the human Frigidaire a larger pair of pants.
Continued next week…
______________________
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
Before a crowd of 20,000 fight fans gathered in Glasgow, Scotland, Mike Tyson dispatched Lou Savarese in 38 seconds of the first round. On his way to the canvas, Sevarese checked to make sure both of his ears were still intact.
The Clinton administration has unveiled a far-reaching, $58 billion proposal that would subsidize prescription drug coverage for elderly Americans and put a cap of $4000 on yearly out-of-pocket drug costs. The Republican plan, much simpler, less expensive and easier to administer, is pretty much summed up by their slogan: "Just Say No To Drugs."
Harley Davidson has withdrawn its application to obtain trademark protection for the sound made by its bikes while idling. Also copyrights on the terms "hog," "Hells Angels" and "cycle slut."
Researchers have developed a baby-formula like blood substitute derived from a byproduct of Teflon they call "Oxygent." Prompting the rock group to change their name to "Oxygent, Sweat and Tears."
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Harriet Beecher Stowe's publisher who said, "Now we need a sequel. How about 'Uncle Tom's Summer Cabin'?"
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
DAD & LAD
If we had a musical guest on the billboard, we'd try putting a Yuletide spin on a comedy duet as in this segment with Andy Williams. In it, Andy is Hope's pop dispensing fatherly advice. Hope is dressed in a Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit with a huge red tie. (Does that say Christmas or what?)
(Music: up)
ANDY: Small fry, struttin' by the pool room...Small fry, should be in the the school room...You'd best change your ways, you hear...Or Santa's gonna pass you by this year... (speaks)
Let me look at you, Son. (looks) Ugh. I told the doctor
when you were born, he was slapping the wrong end.
Son, I think it's time that we had a man-to-man talk.
HOPE: Oh, you mean about the birds and the bees?
ANDY: Exactly.
HOPE: I'd be glad to, Dad. What is it you don't understand?
(Music: up)
ANDY: Small fry, watchin' television... Small fry, without my
supervision...My, my, the things that you have seen...make
Playboy look like Parents Magazine.
HOPE: Tell me, Daddy, were you and Mommy happy when I
arrived?
ANDY: We were delighted.
HOPE: You mean that?
ANDY: Of course. You were cute. You were cuddly. And we
needed a deduction.
HOPE: Daddy, then how come I'm your only child?
ANDY: For the same reason no one ever bought two Edsels.
The day this number was shot, Andy was delayed at the airport so Hope asked me to stand in for him at rehearsal. When Andy arrived, I told him excitedly, "I stood in for you. I think you'll really like this spot." Andy just looked at me and said, "Then why don't you do it?" Stars really know how to deflate someone's balloon.
JOCK SHOCK
Each year, the Associated Press sports writers voted for their college dream team, and Hope would fly the winners to Burbank - at considerable expense, I might add - from all over the country. Their segment was taped in front of a simulated stadium backdrop made of heavy-gauge
cardboard that must have dated back to Hope's Pepsodent days - the bit originated as the Look Magazine All-Americans in the fifties. It was faded and frayed, but in keeping with Hope's unwillingness to change anything, it was dragged out year after year.
The material we wrote - using voluminous background information on each player sent by his school - was as raggedy as the set as each player would trot out in full uniform and announce his name, college, and position. Then Hope would deliver a joke befitting the guy's size,
speed, kicking or passing ability:
PLAYER: Dee Hardison, University of North Carolina, defensive tackle.
HOPE: At school, they call Dee "Peanut." That's because when he gets through with you, you're shelled, salted and stuffed into a jar of Skippy.
This continued until all thirty-two players had been introduced. Occasionally, we'd give a player a sassy remark that would top Hope's. By comedy standards, the spot was static and repetitious, but nonetheless was guaranteed a full eight minutes on every Christmas special we wrote.
As with all sketches, the problem each year was coming up with an ending that wouldn't look like the one we'd used in years past. Hope's favorite was some variation of this:
HOPE: Now, men, you need to realize that the game of football requires complete dedication. You must concentrate only on the game... focus on the task at hand... don't let anything - (A gorgeous girl dressed in a red bikini and a Santa hat crosses the stage seductively. The guys spot
her and follow her off, paying no attention to Hope)
HOPE: (to audience) Are these guys All-American, or what?
My favorite recollection of this segment was the year that a center named William "The Refrigerator" Perry was on the squad. After Hope had delivered his bon mot on the appliance's prowess-in-a-crouch, William turned to leave, and the camera caught the portion of his hind-quarter more commonly associated with plumbers. The audience laughter lasted about as long as it took wardrobe to locate the human Frigidaire a larger pair of pants.
Continued next week…
______________________
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
THURSDAY, June 24, 2010
Notorious playboy Prince Albert of Monaco, 52, is engaged to marry 32-year old champion Olympic swimmer Charlene Wittstock. Instead of an engagement ring, he presented her with a $1.2 million, 15-caret diamond nose clip.
Equipped with a high-resolution camera, Israel’s new Ofek9 spy satellite will gather intelligence on Iran’s nuclear program. When not over Iranian territory, it will identify, rate and catalogue the world’s best delicatessens.
For the first time, the International Space Station has two female cosmonauts on permanent staff. But expect fireworks. Moscow insiders report that they get along about as well as Ann Coulter and Arianna Huffington.
Long a leader on environmental issues, California is poised to become the first state in the union to declare a total ban on plastic grocery bags. Shoppers will still have to choose, though -- “Paper or recycled paper?”
AARP recently sponsored a spelling bee for it’s members 50 and older and the victor was a a 56-year old man from Tennessee. He was declared the winner when the contestant who followed him forgot to capitalize “Viagra.”
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Taking a cue from Will Rogers, Bob Hope never met a holiday he didn't like. Be it Easter, Thanksgiving, Valentine's, Groundhog Day or the Ides of March, a holiday theme was always as welcome around the production office as a hot buttered rum in a winter snowstorm. Christmas, of course, was Hope's annual theme champ even during peacetime when his army fatigues were folded away in the cedar chest awaiting the next outbreak of hostilities. Even in the years that he entertained the troops, he usually produced a domestic Christmas special as well and aired the military shows in January.
The Christmas specials had become perennial ratings bonanzas that left high Neilsens in Hope's stocking year after year. Even beyond that, they were television's longest sustaining Yuletide specials, continuing well after Andy Williams, Glen Campbell and Perry Como had packed away
the prop fireplace and the flocked Douglas fir. Whatever mysterious combination of elements made Americans take a break from their last-minute shopping to tune in the mid-December offering, Hope wasn't about to tinker with it.
The Christmas show segments were as cast in stone as the Ten Commandments and the format was as predictable as the story of the Nativity itself. Every Yuletide special
was made up of these five elements:
Holiday monologue
Associated Press All-America Football Team
Seasonal sketch
Rose Bowl Queen and Court
"Silver Bells" duet
Each December, our rhyming dictionaries saw yeoman duty as we struggled to give the headline of the day a God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen spin. Be it Ollie North or a Cabbage Patch doll (strangely similar in many respects), we somehow managed to capture them in a couplet:
It's Christmas time once again
But have fun while you can
We just got word that Ollie North
Sold Donner and Blitzen to Iran (1988)
It's Christmas time around the world
A season that's merry to all
But this would be the best one yet
If I could just find a Cabbage Patch doll (1983)
Next in order came reminders of how the holidays were being celebrated in Southern California, with particular emphasis on the tract housing adjoining Rodeo Drive:
* They try to have a traditional Christmas in Beverly Hills, but it isn't easy. Yesterday, I saw Santa behind the wheel of a Rolls-Royce being pulled by eight Japanese gardeners. (1978)
Then we'd make our mandatory stop on Hollywood Boulevard:
* The fellas celebrate Christmas a little different. Down there, they decorate each other. (1985)
Today, we'd be picketed by gay rights groups.
Though Santa wasn't due to arrive for another week or two, we had the welcome mat out for him.
* We're having a typical Hollywood Christmas. Yesterday, Larry Flynt announced that he has secret tapes of Santa doing weird things with the elves. (1983)
During the Holiday Season, the writers were not unlike elves, battling a deadline to meet our quota of gift-wrapped shopping jokes:
* A big seller this year is the `Baby Tears' doll. I asked the sales clerk, `What makes it cry?' And she said, `Nothing, but when I tell you the price, you will.'" (1981)
* And with all the crowds this year, I've never seen the sales people so nasty. I saw one floorwalker who got rid of his carnation and was wearing a Venus fly trap. (1978)
And no Christmas would be complete without several reminders of the seductive aroma of turkey and pigskin that would soon waft through most American homes:
* This holiday season, they're combining the Peach Bowl, the Orange Bowl and the Sugar Bowl. It'll be called the Diabetes Bowl." (1986)
Continued tomorrow…
______________________
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
Equipped with a high-resolution camera, Israel’s new Ofek9 spy satellite will gather intelligence on Iran’s nuclear program. When not over Iranian territory, it will identify, rate and catalogue the world’s best delicatessens.
For the first time, the International Space Station has two female cosmonauts on permanent staff. But expect fireworks. Moscow insiders report that they get along about as well as Ann Coulter and Arianna Huffington.
Long a leader on environmental issues, California is poised to become the first state in the union to declare a total ban on plastic grocery bags. Shoppers will still have to choose, though -- “Paper or recycled paper?”
AARP recently sponsored a spelling bee for it’s members 50 and older and the victor was a a 56-year old man from Tennessee. He was declared the winner when the contestant who followed him forgot to capitalize “Viagra.”
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Taking a cue from Will Rogers, Bob Hope never met a holiday he didn't like. Be it Easter, Thanksgiving, Valentine's, Groundhog Day or the Ides of March, a holiday theme was always as welcome around the production office as a hot buttered rum in a winter snowstorm. Christmas, of course, was Hope's annual theme champ even during peacetime when his army fatigues were folded away in the cedar chest awaiting the next outbreak of hostilities. Even in the years that he entertained the troops, he usually produced a domestic Christmas special as well and aired the military shows in January.
The Christmas specials had become perennial ratings bonanzas that left high Neilsens in Hope's stocking year after year. Even beyond that, they were television's longest sustaining Yuletide specials, continuing well after Andy Williams, Glen Campbell and Perry Como had packed away
the prop fireplace and the flocked Douglas fir. Whatever mysterious combination of elements made Americans take a break from their last-minute shopping to tune in the mid-December offering, Hope wasn't about to tinker with it.
The Christmas show segments were as cast in stone as the Ten Commandments and the format was as predictable as the story of the Nativity itself. Every Yuletide special
was made up of these five elements:
Holiday monologue
Associated Press All-America Football Team
Seasonal sketch
Rose Bowl Queen and Court
"Silver Bells" duet
Each December, our rhyming dictionaries saw yeoman duty as we struggled to give the headline of the day a God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen spin. Be it Ollie North or a Cabbage Patch doll (strangely similar in many respects), we somehow managed to capture them in a couplet:
It's Christmas time once again
But have fun while you can
We just got word that Ollie North
Sold Donner and Blitzen to Iran (1988)
It's Christmas time around the world
A season that's merry to all
But this would be the best one yet
If I could just find a Cabbage Patch doll (1983)
Next in order came reminders of how the holidays were being celebrated in Southern California, with particular emphasis on the tract housing adjoining Rodeo Drive:
* They try to have a traditional Christmas in Beverly Hills, but it isn't easy. Yesterday, I saw Santa behind the wheel of a Rolls-Royce being pulled by eight Japanese gardeners. (1978)
Then we'd make our mandatory stop on Hollywood Boulevard:
* The fellas celebrate Christmas a little different. Down there, they decorate each other. (1985)
Today, we'd be picketed by gay rights groups.
Though Santa wasn't due to arrive for another week or two, we had the welcome mat out for him.
* We're having a typical Hollywood Christmas. Yesterday, Larry Flynt announced that he has secret tapes of Santa doing weird things with the elves. (1983)
During the Holiday Season, the writers were not unlike elves, battling a deadline to meet our quota of gift-wrapped shopping jokes:
* A big seller this year is the `Baby Tears' doll. I asked the sales clerk, `What makes it cry?' And she said, `Nothing, but when I tell you the price, you will.'" (1981)
* And with all the crowds this year, I've never seen the sales people so nasty. I saw one floorwalker who got rid of his carnation and was wearing a Venus fly trap. (1978)
And no Christmas would be complete without several reminders of the seductive aroma of turkey and pigskin that would soon waft through most American homes:
* This holiday season, they're combining the Peach Bowl, the Orange Bowl and the Sugar Bowl. It'll be called the Diabetes Bowl." (1986)
Continued tomorrow…
______________________
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
WEDNESDAY, June 23, 2010
The president recalled his top military chief in Afghanistan after Gen. Stanley McChrystal told Rolling Stone Magazine he was “disappointed” with Obama and several of his top advisers. No telling what Obama will do but there are hints -- he sent Mac a book to read on the plane home -- “I Forgot He Was Commander-in-Chief” by Douglas MacArthur.
Art restorers in Rome have discovered what they believe are the oldest paintings of Jesus’ apostles including Andrew, John, Peter and Paul. Their authenticity was confirmed by the presence of a signed Diners Club receipt for the Last Supper sticking out of Peter’s pocket.
While in South Africa for the World Cup, Prince William was embarrassed when he was unable to extract any sound from a vuvuzela he borrowed from a young spectator. But his aunt, Sarah Ferguson, immediately offered to give him lessons -- for $477,000.
A Florida lawyer was recently refused entrance to a courthouse when her wire-reinforced bra set off the metal-detector. Only Madonna is allowed to pass through a metal detector wearing steel cones because they’re officially recognized by Homeland Security as a bullet-proof vest.
Auditions have begun for the tenth season of “American Idol” and the minimum age for contestants has been lowered to 15. Producers figured if that’s old enough to be married in Mississippi, Alabama and Saudi Arabia, why not?
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
We had written a sketch that cast Hope and Emmanuel Lewis, dressed in reindeer pelts and horned helmets, as a pair of Vikings on their annual spring plunder. As Gene Perret and I stood offstage, puzzled why our pillage jokes were drawing gasps, one of the Swedish technicians pointed out that we had named Hope’s character, Olaf. In the confusion, no one had caught what now appeared to be an insensitive joke. During a break, we told Hope what had happened and he immediately called a halt to the proceedings and apologized to the audience.
When our Swedish fiasco finally concluded and we were winging home to a much warmer Los Angeles, I remember thinking back — I should have known from the start that the trip would turn out to be jinxed. Excited over my first junket to a Scandinavian country, I arrived at LAX sans passport! A messenger from the Hope office was dispatched to deliver it, but to avoid a delayed departure, a representative from the airline soon arrived and announced that my California drivers license would do the trick! My passport would follow on the next flight — without me. I learned later that Sweden had waived their usual customs requirements because I was on a special assignment for the king! Proving once again that it pays to work for someone who’s close to kings.
But even with our problems in Stockholm, I do have one a great memory of the trip. One night, after a long day of rehearsing, we returned to the hotel around nine o’clock. It was about 40 degrees below outside, and there was a nice fire going in the lounge, so Glen Campbell asked Gene and me if we’d like to join him for a nightcap. There was a fairly good jazz quartet — drums, two guitars, bass — that played there every night. We had noticed them before but were always too busy to stop. We sat at the bar for a few minutes and were recalling our day in Birdseye-ville when one of the guitar players asked Glen if he’d like to sit in for a number.
Usually, professional musicians hesitate to take anyone up on an offer like that since it’s what they do for a living and is a little like asking Picasso to sketch something on a bar napkin. But Glen isn’t your usual pro. He loves to practice chords with his own guitar and often does — in airport lounges, television studio dressing rooms, and maybe even while showering. Glen just loves the guitar. I suspect the guy in the quartet was a big fan, knew this, and also knew that Glen would have a hard time turning him down. He was right. “Okay, just one number.” Glen took the instrument, fine-tuned a couple of strings and began picking the melody of “A Foggy Day” — the house musicians were British.
Now the bartender is on the phone — “You’re not gonna believe this... “ in Swedish, of course, but you could tell what he was saying by the excitement in his voice. Several couples who had been sitting in the lobby drifted in and took a table near the bandstand. As other guests arrived, they could see and hear that something special was occurring in the bar. Nobody headed upstairs and nobody left. Glen, as usual, was doing some astounding riffs.
I asked him once how he got so damn good, and he said that as a kid, he would dream guitar chords and play them as soon as he woke up. That, my friends, is genetic. Even the owner of the guitar Glen was playing couldn’t believe the sounds he was getting out of it. Glen’s “one number” was soon three and then five. The crowd had grown to thirty or forty people — some sitting, some standing, all mesmerized. When he finally handed the Gibson back to its owner, the applause was enough to wake up guests in their rooms who had missed Glen’s impromptu concert. It was one of those once-in-a-lifetime moments you just never forget.
Tomorrow: Hope’s Christmas Show Formula
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
Art restorers in Rome have discovered what they believe are the oldest paintings of Jesus’ apostles including Andrew, John, Peter and Paul. Their authenticity was confirmed by the presence of a signed Diners Club receipt for the Last Supper sticking out of Peter’s pocket.
While in South Africa for the World Cup, Prince William was embarrassed when he was unable to extract any sound from a vuvuzela he borrowed from a young spectator. But his aunt, Sarah Ferguson, immediately offered to give him lessons -- for $477,000.
A Florida lawyer was recently refused entrance to a courthouse when her wire-reinforced bra set off the metal-detector. Only Madonna is allowed to pass through a metal detector wearing steel cones because they’re officially recognized by Homeland Security as a bullet-proof vest.
Auditions have begun for the tenth season of “American Idol” and the minimum age for contestants has been lowered to 15. Producers figured if that’s old enough to be married in Mississippi, Alabama and Saudi Arabia, why not?
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
We had written a sketch that cast Hope and Emmanuel Lewis, dressed in reindeer pelts and horned helmets, as a pair of Vikings on their annual spring plunder. As Gene Perret and I stood offstage, puzzled why our pillage jokes were drawing gasps, one of the Swedish technicians pointed out that we had named Hope’s character, Olaf. In the confusion, no one had caught what now appeared to be an insensitive joke. During a break, we told Hope what had happened and he immediately called a halt to the proceedings and apologized to the audience.
When our Swedish fiasco finally concluded and we were winging home to a much warmer Los Angeles, I remember thinking back — I should have known from the start that the trip would turn out to be jinxed. Excited over my first junket to a Scandinavian country, I arrived at LAX sans passport! A messenger from the Hope office was dispatched to deliver it, but to avoid a delayed departure, a representative from the airline soon arrived and announced that my California drivers license would do the trick! My passport would follow on the next flight — without me. I learned later that Sweden had waived their usual customs requirements because I was on a special assignment for the king! Proving once again that it pays to work for someone who’s close to kings.
But even with our problems in Stockholm, I do have one a great memory of the trip. One night, after a long day of rehearsing, we returned to the hotel around nine o’clock. It was about 40 degrees below outside, and there was a nice fire going in the lounge, so Glen Campbell asked Gene and me if we’d like to join him for a nightcap. There was a fairly good jazz quartet — drums, two guitars, bass — that played there every night. We had noticed them before but were always too busy to stop. We sat at the bar for a few minutes and were recalling our day in Birdseye-ville when one of the guitar players asked Glen if he’d like to sit in for a number.
Usually, professional musicians hesitate to take anyone up on an offer like that since it’s what they do for a living and is a little like asking Picasso to sketch something on a bar napkin. But Glen isn’t your usual pro. He loves to practice chords with his own guitar and often does — in airport lounges, television studio dressing rooms, and maybe even while showering. Glen just loves the guitar. I suspect the guy in the quartet was a big fan, knew this, and also knew that Glen would have a hard time turning him down. He was right. “Okay, just one number.” Glen took the instrument, fine-tuned a couple of strings and began picking the melody of “A Foggy Day” — the house musicians were British.
Now the bartender is on the phone — “You’re not gonna believe this... “ in Swedish, of course, but you could tell what he was saying by the excitement in his voice. Several couples who had been sitting in the lobby drifted in and took a table near the bandstand. As other guests arrived, they could see and hear that something special was occurring in the bar. Nobody headed upstairs and nobody left. Glen, as usual, was doing some astounding riffs.
I asked him once how he got so damn good, and he said that as a kid, he would dream guitar chords and play them as soon as he woke up. That, my friends, is genetic. Even the owner of the guitar Glen was playing couldn’t believe the sounds he was getting out of it. Glen’s “one number” was soon three and then five. The crowd had grown to thirty or forty people — some sitting, some standing, all mesmerized. When he finally handed the Gibson back to its owner, the applause was enough to wake up guests in their rooms who had missed Glen’s impromptu concert. It was one of those once-in-a-lifetime moments you just never forget.
Tomorrow: Hope’s Christmas Show Formula
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
TUESDAY, June 22, 2010
Archaeologists excavating in Germany recently unearthed what they believe is the world’s oldest wind instrument, a wooden flute estimated to be 35,000 years old. It even has its owner’s name carved on it -- Kenny Og.
The National Pork Board is seeking a catchier, more memorable replacement for their long-time PR slogan “Pork -- the Other White Meat.“ Leading the competition so far: “Pork -- Ever Try to Stuff an Apple into a Turkey’s Mouth?”
Evidence has surfaced that convicted Ponzi Schemer Bernie Madoff may have as much as $9 billion of his embezzled funds stashed away somewhere. Bernie didn’t tell anybody officially but he let it slip during pillow talk with his new wife, Derek.
Starting next year, golfers who rank among the top 20 in tournament wins will be required by the PGA to play a minimum number of televised tournaments per season. With a few exceptions. For instance, a paternity suit that leads on “Extra!” is worth two televised tournaments.
A recent study of sexually active high school students indicates that the rhythm method is gradually becoming their preferred mode of birth control. Who would have dreamed that the “Vatican Mambo” would ever catch on in the Bible Belt?
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
To be sure, unforeseen problems bedeviled every show to some degree, but by far the most ill-fated special Hope produced on my watch was taped at the Oscars Theater in Stockholm before Sweden’s King Carl Gustav and Queen
Sylvia in February, 1986. Billed as a Command Performance, Hope had agreed to emcee the black-tie gala entitled “Bob Hope’s Royal Command Performance from Sweden,” the proceeds of which were to go to the king’s favorite charity, the Children’s International Summer Village. Hope would host the show and in return would own the American rights which he’d license to NBC. It was a potentially profitable deal since most of the production expenses would be picked up by the Swedish government.
But even before the Scandinavian Airlines 747 had been loaded with our luggage at LAX, the hex kicked in. As fellow writer Gene Perret and I sat in the executive lounge putting the finishing touches on a Viking sketch we were confident would have the Swedes in hysterics from Goteborg to Lapland, producers Elliott Kozak and Dick Arlett came in and hit us between the eyes with the news that Sweden’s Prime Minister, Olaf Palme, had just been assassinated while walking his dog on a Stockholm street.
The room fell silent. Glen Campbell, who had been sitting across from us noodling a few licks, put down his guitar and stared ahead blankly. Only moments before, we had entered the lounge filled with excited anticipation of what promised to be a fun-filled and interesting journey to a land few of us had visited. Two other troubadours who would appear on the show, Shirley Jones and Emanuel Lewis, looked on in shock as transatlantic phone calls were hurriedly made to decide if the show would be canceled. Our departure was pushed ahead an hour while we all sat biting our collective show
business fingernails.
Shortly, word arrived directly from the palace — since preparations for the gala were set and invitations sent out, postponing the performance, ruled the monarch, would cause world-class headaches all around. The show, as they say, must go on. Where this old saw originated, I have no idea, but there are instances where it flies in the face of common sense, and this was, undoubtedly, one of them. Picture, if you will, taping the Colgate Comedy Hour just three days following the death of John Kennedy. Same problem — similar reaction. The entire Swedish nation had been plunged into mourning. On our drive from the airport, we could see people lining the street, carrying candles and placing bouquets of flowers at the spot on the frozen sidewalk where the popular prime minister had fallen.
A pall hung over the capital — literally and figuratively. Ships in the harbor stood at anchor, rigid and icebound — prisoners of a climate that almost half the year chills the bones and, one suspects, is no small contributor to the highest suicide rate in all of Scandinavia. But forget all that. The assembled glitterati applauded dutifully as the king and queen were escorted to the royal box. The show began with a rambling, largely incomprehensible introduction of Hope by Swedish actress Liv Ullman. It was obvious that she would have preferred being somewhere else, and who wouldn’t? Hope did his best to deliver his monologue, but had about as much luck getting laughs as an athiest at a Southern Baptist Convention.
The evening’s slate of performers — Boy George and the Culture Club, Omar Sharif , Dolf Lundgren and Scott Grimes as well as Glen, Emanuel and Shirley — carried on like the pros they are, but the project was doomed from the start. It was like watching the lounge act on the Hindenburg. It was a wake with entertainment.
Tomorrow: The Disastrous Conclusion
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
The National Pork Board is seeking a catchier, more memorable replacement for their long-time PR slogan “Pork -- the Other White Meat.“ Leading the competition so far: “Pork -- Ever Try to Stuff an Apple into a Turkey’s Mouth?”
Evidence has surfaced that convicted Ponzi Schemer Bernie Madoff may have as much as $9 billion of his embezzled funds stashed away somewhere. Bernie didn’t tell anybody officially but he let it slip during pillow talk with his new wife, Derek.
Starting next year, golfers who rank among the top 20 in tournament wins will be required by the PGA to play a minimum number of televised tournaments per season. With a few exceptions. For instance, a paternity suit that leads on “Extra!” is worth two televised tournaments.
A recent study of sexually active high school students indicates that the rhythm method is gradually becoming their preferred mode of birth control. Who would have dreamed that the “Vatican Mambo” would ever catch on in the Bible Belt?
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
To be sure, unforeseen problems bedeviled every show to some degree, but by far the most ill-fated special Hope produced on my watch was taped at the Oscars Theater in Stockholm before Sweden’s King Carl Gustav and Queen
Sylvia in February, 1986. Billed as a Command Performance, Hope had agreed to emcee the black-tie gala entitled “Bob Hope’s Royal Command Performance from Sweden,” the proceeds of which were to go to the king’s favorite charity, the Children’s International Summer Village. Hope would host the show and in return would own the American rights which he’d license to NBC. It was a potentially profitable deal since most of the production expenses would be picked up by the Swedish government.
But even before the Scandinavian Airlines 747 had been loaded with our luggage at LAX, the hex kicked in. As fellow writer Gene Perret and I sat in the executive lounge putting the finishing touches on a Viking sketch we were confident would have the Swedes in hysterics from Goteborg to Lapland, producers Elliott Kozak and Dick Arlett came in and hit us between the eyes with the news that Sweden’s Prime Minister, Olaf Palme, had just been assassinated while walking his dog on a Stockholm street.
The room fell silent. Glen Campbell, who had been sitting across from us noodling a few licks, put down his guitar and stared ahead blankly. Only moments before, we had entered the lounge filled with excited anticipation of what promised to be a fun-filled and interesting journey to a land few of us had visited. Two other troubadours who would appear on the show, Shirley Jones and Emanuel Lewis, looked on in shock as transatlantic phone calls were hurriedly made to decide if the show would be canceled. Our departure was pushed ahead an hour while we all sat biting our collective show
business fingernails.
Shortly, word arrived directly from the palace — since preparations for the gala were set and invitations sent out, postponing the performance, ruled the monarch, would cause world-class headaches all around. The show, as they say, must go on. Where this old saw originated, I have no idea, but there are instances where it flies in the face of common sense, and this was, undoubtedly, one of them. Picture, if you will, taping the Colgate Comedy Hour just three days following the death of John Kennedy. Same problem — similar reaction. The entire Swedish nation had been plunged into mourning. On our drive from the airport, we could see people lining the street, carrying candles and placing bouquets of flowers at the spot on the frozen sidewalk where the popular prime minister had fallen.
A pall hung over the capital — literally and figuratively. Ships in the harbor stood at anchor, rigid and icebound — prisoners of a climate that almost half the year chills the bones and, one suspects, is no small contributor to the highest suicide rate in all of Scandinavia. But forget all that. The assembled glitterati applauded dutifully as the king and queen were escorted to the royal box. The show began with a rambling, largely incomprehensible introduction of Hope by Swedish actress Liv Ullman. It was obvious that she would have preferred being somewhere else, and who wouldn’t? Hope did his best to deliver his monologue, but had about as much luck getting laughs as an athiest at a Southern Baptist Convention.
The evening’s slate of performers — Boy George and the Culture Club, Omar Sharif , Dolf Lundgren and Scott Grimes as well as Glen, Emanuel and Shirley — carried on like the pros they are, but the project was doomed from the start. It was like watching the lounge act on the Hindenburg. It was a wake with entertainment.
Tomorrow: The Disastrous Conclusion
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
MONDAY, June 21, 2010
Sweden’s Crown Princess Victoria married her fitness trainer Daniel Westling in a Stockholm cathedral. Royalty in attendance included Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, Prince Albert of Monaco, the Earl and Countess of Wessex, Queen Latifah and Larry King.
John Lennon's handwritten lyrics to “A Day In The Life,” have sold for $1.2 million at auction. However, no bids were placed for a list of lunch orders written on the same day by Ringo before he left on his daily McDonald’s run.
Citing an equipment glitch in one of its processing plants, Campbell Soup Company recalled 15 million pounds of SpaghettiOs with meatballs. For reasons still being investigated, the wire basket trolling the meatball through the sauce suddenly snapped.
The Learning Channel has signed Sarah Palin to host a series on “what it feels like being an Alaskan.” The show will take viewers into Sarah’s adventure-filled world and producer Rob Burnett (American Idol) hopes it will live up to it’s motto: “Mediocrity -- not just for the elite few.”
Starting on July 1, Disney will provide specially-trained free interpreters to help non-English speaking tourists visiting its theme parks. A recent study showed that foreigners often need help locating gift shops to purchase over-priced items they don’t need.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
[Bob Hope, Florence Henderson and Barbara Eden are going through Customs in Perth, Australia in 1978. Charo is the Customs Officer.)
CHARO: What’s going on out here? (to Hope) What are you, a hooligan? I am Inspector Charo. I will inspect your bags, look in your socks, feel in your shoes, open your shirt...
HOPE: Keep going. I may stay at the airport.
CHARO: What is your nationality?
HOPE: I’m an American.
CHARO: You can’t be American. You don’t talk like me.
HOPE: Who does?
CHARO: I must fill out this form. Please indicate the province, state, kingdom, territory, principality or protectorate from which the applicant originally immigrated. (deep breath)
HOPE: Could you read that again?
CHARO: What’s the matter, you don’t understand my inflections?
BARBARA: That’s just the problem. He can’t take his eyes off of them.
FLORENCE: Bob, tell her where you were born or we’ll be here all day.
HOPE: I was born in England. Here’s my birth certificate. (hands it to her)
CHARO: (looks at it) Wow! It’s not every day you see something signed by Queen Victoria!
HOPE: Isn’t that incredible? She was dead forty years at the time.
Interestingly, it was just about this time that we began using Hope’s advancing years as a joke topic. Previously, he’d been sensitive on the subject, but now that he’d reached seventy-five, it seemed silly to keep pretending he was sixty. While age would never become the driving force in Hope’s routines as it would for George Burns, more frequent references to it would find their way into our scripts.
CHARO: Now I must examine your passport.
HOPE: Here you are, darling. (hands it to her)
CHARO: (looks at it) This is a very good likeness.
BARBARA: It should be. It’s by Michelangelo.
HOPE: Wouldn’t you help a starving art student who needed the work?
CHARO: This says your occupation is comedian.
HOPE: That’s right.
FLORENCE: I hope the Aussies don’t have a law against falsifying official documents.
CHARO: I must examine your luggage. Please place your suitcase here on the table.
(Hope tries to lift the bag and it doesn’t budge. He tries two hands with no success.)
HOPE: Some wise guy nailed it to the floor!
FLORENCE: Bob, stand aside. (She easily places the suitcase on the table)
HOPE: Sure, it’s easy when you’ve been on all those vacations with the Brady Bunch.
There were unique problems in staging a show in such a large venue. The microphones were strung on long surf-rods so they’d be under the audience’s line of sight and director Dick McDonough had a total of seven cameras — three is the standard studio setup — perched at strategic locations throughout the auditorium.
CHARO: (opens bag, removes jar): What’s this?
HOPE: Wrinkle cream.
CHARO: (with tube): And this?
HOPE: My mascara.
CHARO: (with bottle): This?
HOPE: Grecian Formula.
FLORENCE: (to Charo): Keep going. There’s more of him in there than there is out here!
HOPE: How would you like to be attacked by my “Waterpik?”
The items removed from Hope’s bag were small, but they were quickly identified so they would be instantly understood by the entire audience. Otherwise, to get laughs, the objects had to be large enough to be seen by everyone, like these:
CHARO: (removes an orange life-preserver) This?
HOPE: Don’t pull that string! (She does and it inflates. On the back is printed: HELP!)
BARBARA: He’s been carrying that with him ever since he saw Jaws.
CHARO: (removes a bra with three size EEE cups)
HOPE: (to audience) I’m warning you guys. Never date anyone in the cast of Star Wars!
The sketch concluded with Charo discovering a live girl hidden in Hope’s steamer trunk whom he explains is his tennis instructor. As they stroll off together, Charo decides she’d better accompany them “to make sure there’s no ‘coochie coochie’.” Aside from the all-too-obvious blackout, the sketch worked pretty well considering the obstacles we had to overcome. The real problem would come in post-production. Remember those seven cameras? Dick McDonough was getting such good shots, he had the cameramen keep rolling even when they weren’t on the air monitor, thinking the extra footage would make editing easier. But Australian television uses a different format than is standard in the U.S. — there are more lines on the screen so the picture is much sharper. All the extra footage had to be transferred at considerable expense. When told how much, Hope could be heard as far away as Fiji.
Tomorrow: We’re off to Stockholm, Sweden
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
John Lennon's handwritten lyrics to “A Day In The Life,” have sold for $1.2 million at auction. However, no bids were placed for a list of lunch orders written on the same day by Ringo before he left on his daily McDonald’s run.
Citing an equipment glitch in one of its processing plants, Campbell Soup Company recalled 15 million pounds of SpaghettiOs with meatballs. For reasons still being investigated, the wire basket trolling the meatball through the sauce suddenly snapped.
The Learning Channel has signed Sarah Palin to host a series on “what it feels like being an Alaskan.” The show will take viewers into Sarah’s adventure-filled world and producer Rob Burnett (American Idol) hopes it will live up to it’s motto: “Mediocrity -- not just for the elite few.”
Starting on July 1, Disney will provide specially-trained free interpreters to help non-English speaking tourists visiting its theme parks. A recent study showed that foreigners often need help locating gift shops to purchase over-priced items they don’t need.
______________________________
Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
[Bob Hope, Florence Henderson and Barbara Eden are going through Customs in Perth, Australia in 1978. Charo is the Customs Officer.)
CHARO: What’s going on out here? (to Hope) What are you, a hooligan? I am Inspector Charo. I will inspect your bags, look in your socks, feel in your shoes, open your shirt...
HOPE: Keep going. I may stay at the airport.
CHARO: What is your nationality?
HOPE: I’m an American.
CHARO: You can’t be American. You don’t talk like me.
HOPE: Who does?
CHARO: I must fill out this form. Please indicate the province, state, kingdom, territory, principality or protectorate from which the applicant originally immigrated. (deep breath)
HOPE: Could you read that again?
CHARO: What’s the matter, you don’t understand my inflections?
BARBARA: That’s just the problem. He can’t take his eyes off of them.
FLORENCE: Bob, tell her where you were born or we’ll be here all day.
HOPE: I was born in England. Here’s my birth certificate. (hands it to her)
CHARO: (looks at it) Wow! It’s not every day you see something signed by Queen Victoria!
HOPE: Isn’t that incredible? She was dead forty years at the time.
Interestingly, it was just about this time that we began using Hope’s advancing years as a joke topic. Previously, he’d been sensitive on the subject, but now that he’d reached seventy-five, it seemed silly to keep pretending he was sixty. While age would never become the driving force in Hope’s routines as it would for George Burns, more frequent references to it would find their way into our scripts.
CHARO: Now I must examine your passport.
HOPE: Here you are, darling. (hands it to her)
CHARO: (looks at it) This is a very good likeness.
BARBARA: It should be. It’s by Michelangelo.
HOPE: Wouldn’t you help a starving art student who needed the work?
CHARO: This says your occupation is comedian.
HOPE: That’s right.
FLORENCE: I hope the Aussies don’t have a law against falsifying official documents.
CHARO: I must examine your luggage. Please place your suitcase here on the table.
(Hope tries to lift the bag and it doesn’t budge. He tries two hands with no success.)
HOPE: Some wise guy nailed it to the floor!
FLORENCE: Bob, stand aside. (She easily places the suitcase on the table)
HOPE: Sure, it’s easy when you’ve been on all those vacations with the Brady Bunch.
There were unique problems in staging a show in such a large venue. The microphones were strung on long surf-rods so they’d be under the audience’s line of sight and director Dick McDonough had a total of seven cameras — three is the standard studio setup — perched at strategic locations throughout the auditorium.
CHARO: (opens bag, removes jar): What’s this?
HOPE: Wrinkle cream.
CHARO: (with tube): And this?
HOPE: My mascara.
CHARO: (with bottle): This?
HOPE: Grecian Formula.
FLORENCE: (to Charo): Keep going. There’s more of him in there than there is out here!
HOPE: How would you like to be attacked by my “Waterpik?”
The items removed from Hope’s bag were small, but they were quickly identified so they would be instantly understood by the entire audience. Otherwise, to get laughs, the objects had to be large enough to be seen by everyone, like these:
CHARO: (removes an orange life-preserver) This?
HOPE: Don’t pull that string! (She does and it inflates. On the back is printed: HELP!)
BARBARA: He’s been carrying that with him ever since he saw Jaws.
CHARO: (removes a bra with three size EEE cups)
HOPE: (to audience) I’m warning you guys. Never date anyone in the cast of Star Wars!
The sketch concluded with Charo discovering a live girl hidden in Hope’s steamer trunk whom he explains is his tennis instructor. As they stroll off together, Charo decides she’d better accompany them “to make sure there’s no ‘coochie coochie’.” Aside from the all-too-obvious blackout, the sketch worked pretty well considering the obstacles we had to overcome. The real problem would come in post-production. Remember those seven cameras? Dick McDonough was getting such good shots, he had the cameramen keep rolling even when they weren’t on the air monitor, thinking the extra footage would make editing easier. But Australian television uses a different format than is standard in the U.S. — there are more lines on the screen so the picture is much sharper. All the extra footage had to be transferred at considerable expense. When told how much, Hope could be heard as far away as Fiji.
Tomorrow: We’re off to Stockholm, Sweden
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
FREE OFFER Would you like to write a short review of THE LAUGH MAKERS to be posted on Amazon.com? If so, you will be provided a FREE AUDIO VERSION of the book, unabridged and read by the author with musical bridges by Barry Dugan. Write to:
TheLaughmakers@GMail.com and write “Review Copy” in the subject line. You will be sent an address to access the book on MP3 or .wav files that may be downloaded to your I-Pod or computer. No time limit applies -- you may post your review at any time following completion of the book.
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ