Evangelist Pat Robertson who supports the legalization of marijuana claims to have discovered a reference to it in the bible -- Cheech 12:16 “Dooby unto others as thou would want to be doobied to.”
Federal authorities are investigating charges that Christine O’Donnell used campaign contributions to pay personal expenses. Suspicious write-offs include dried frogs’ tongues, tarantula carcasses and a large, cast-iron cauldron.
On Maine’s Sugerloaf Mountain, high winds were blamed for a ski lift failure that dumped ten skiers 30 feet into soft snow. No one was seriously hurt, but the bad news is witnesses on the ground say none of them scored higher than a 7.5.
This week marks the discovery in 1924 of other galaxies by astronomer Edwin Hubble whose namesake telescope is so powerful, it’s been able to spot liquid water on Mars, space debris from the Starship Enterprise and James Cameron’s summer home on Pandora.
The Post Office will honor NASA with a commemorative stamp featuring a portrait of astronaut Alan Shepard. The adhesive will be available in three flavors: orange, grapefruit and strawberry Tang.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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THURSDAY, December 30, 2010
Prince William and Kate Middleton have announced that, once married, they’ll do without servants, shopping and performing household chores themselves. It’s being called the most shocking rejection of royal privilege since King Henry VIII decided to perform his own be-headings.
According to Pollstar, Lady Gaga was the hardest working rock star in 2010, performing in 138 shows and earning $134 million. And that’s not even counting the $10 million she was paid by the International Processed Beef & Cold-cuts Council.
Lady Gaga placed fourth in earnings after Bon Jovi, AC/DC and U2. For those not familiar with rock-profit terminology, earnings of $132 million works out to about sixty-five million per Ga.
The Discovery Channel aired an hour-long documentary that closely examined Michael Jackson’s coroner’s report. As expected, ratings exceeded those for Elvis’s coroner’s report.
Nutritionists at Oklahoma State University have developed peanut butter that comes in cellophane-wrapped slices. Kids love it but moms could do without one unfortunate side-effect -- it trends to stick to the top of the refrigerator.
According to Pollstar, Lady Gaga was the hardest working rock star in 2010, performing in 138 shows and earning $134 million. And that’s not even counting the $10 million she was paid by the International Processed Beef & Cold-cuts Council.
Lady Gaga placed fourth in earnings after Bon Jovi, AC/DC and U2. For those not familiar with rock-profit terminology, earnings of $132 million works out to about sixty-five million per Ga.
The Discovery Channel aired an hour-long documentary that closely examined Michael Jackson’s coroner’s report. As expected, ratings exceeded those for Elvis’s coroner’s report.
Nutritionists at Oklahoma State University have developed peanut butter that comes in cellophane-wrapped slices. Kids love it but moms could do without one unfortunate side-effect -- it trends to stick to the top of the refrigerator.
WEDNESDAY, December 29, 2010
The US Department of Justice has uncovered an Al-Qaeda plot to poison restaurant salad bars. Some chains are responding. Marie Callender’s installed bullet-proof sneeze guards and runs the dried banana chips through an arsenic-detector.
Airport authorities in Berlin hired circus clowns to entertain the thousands of passengers whose flights had been canceled. They made quite an entrance. Who knew you could stuff 836 clowns into a 747?
After two losing seasons, Forty-Niners coach Mike Singletary was fired following a loss to the Rams. The owners had class, though. They hired Tony Bennett to sing “I Left My Job in San Francisco” over the PA system.
A new study shows that college students are, on average, 15 pounds heavier at graduation. A majority of high school girls do, too, but return to normal once the baby is born.
Faced with expenses they can’t meet, many small cities in England are leaving their street lights off at night. Bad news on two fronts. Auto accidents are up 30% and hookers are staying home because they have nothing to stand under.
Airport authorities in Berlin hired circus clowns to entertain the thousands of passengers whose flights had been canceled. They made quite an entrance. Who knew you could stuff 836 clowns into a 747?
After two losing seasons, Forty-Niners coach Mike Singletary was fired following a loss to the Rams. The owners had class, though. They hired Tony Bennett to sing “I Left My Job in San Francisco” over the PA system.
A new study shows that college students are, on average, 15 pounds heavier at graduation. A majority of high school girls do, too, but return to normal once the baby is born.
Faced with expenses they can’t meet, many small cities in England are leaving their street lights off at night. Bad news on two fronts. Auto accidents are up 30% and hookers are staying home because they have nothing to stand under.
TUESDAY, December 28, 2010
When Playboy magnate Hugh Hefner, 84, became engaged to Playmate Chrystal Harris, 24, on Christmas Eve it came as a complete surprise to his staff. He had said he was “looking for a rock,” but they were thinking more along the lines of “headstone.”
The producers of “The Black Swan” ordered some exit polls after box office grosses outstripped expectations. Turns out fans of the Marx Brothers are showing up thinking it’s a remake of “Duck Soup.”
US Marines are now teaching the Guatemalan Army how to fight the Mexican drug cartels. They even gave them their fight song, “From the Halls of Montezuma’s Revenge, to the Shores of Mexicali.”
Archeologists uncovered evidence that Neanderthals ate vegetables as well as meat and switched from hunting to gathering when they discovered it’s easier to gather a head of cabbage than wrestle a wooly mammoth.
There’s a movement underway to nominate net bad boy Dennis Rodman to the NBA Hall of Fame. Hoop scribes are unanimous in the opinion that he has about the same chance as Pete Rose.
The producers of “The Black Swan” ordered some exit polls after box office grosses outstripped expectations. Turns out fans of the Marx Brothers are showing up thinking it’s a remake of “Duck Soup.”
US Marines are now teaching the Guatemalan Army how to fight the Mexican drug cartels. They even gave them their fight song, “From the Halls of Montezuma’s Revenge, to the Shores of Mexicali.”
Archeologists uncovered evidence that Neanderthals ate vegetables as well as meat and switched from hunting to gathering when they discovered it’s easier to gather a head of cabbage than wrestle a wooly mammoth.
There’s a movement underway to nominate net bad boy Dennis Rodman to the NBA Hall of Fame. Hoop scribes are unanimous in the opinion that he has about the same chance as Pete Rose.
MONDAY, December 27, 2010
The American Heart Association warns that teens should cut down on their salt intake to avoid high blood pressure. Good luck. Mention hypertension to the average teen and he’ll say “Oh, are they on tour?”
Again last week, disaster hit the set of Broadway‘s “Spiderman” when a cast member dropped 30 feet into the orchestra pit. The theater now posts a color-coded threat level warning over the marquee.
A recent survey shows that 36% of children under twelve own a smart phone. Yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker that said “My Kid’s Smart Phone Made the Honor Roll at St. Patrick’s Elementary.”
Doctors warn that children exposed to incense in the home face a greater risk of asthma. Makes sense. The average tech support operator at Microsoft loses 13 workdays a year due to second-hand incense.
Reality chef Juan Carlos Cruz, serving nine years for hiring a hit man to kill his wife, is adapting well to prison life. Already, he’s authored an inmate cookbook entitled “101 Ways to Prepare Slop.”
Again last week, disaster hit the set of Broadway‘s “Spiderman” when a cast member dropped 30 feet into the orchestra pit. The theater now posts a color-coded threat level warning over the marquee.
A recent survey shows that 36% of children under twelve own a smart phone. Yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker that said “My Kid’s Smart Phone Made the Honor Roll at St. Patrick’s Elementary.”
Doctors warn that children exposed to incense in the home face a greater risk of asthma. Makes sense. The average tech support operator at Microsoft loses 13 workdays a year due to second-hand incense.
Reality chef Juan Carlos Cruz, serving nine years for hiring a hit man to kill his wife, is adapting well to prison life. Already, he’s authored an inmate cookbook entitled “101 Ways to Prepare Slop.”
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 24, 25, 26
Scientists at UC Berkeley have discovered a greener fuel for automobiles that’s made from swimming pool algae. Shell now offers three grades: Regular, High test and “Mosquitoes Delight.”
A study by Harvard Med School's Brigham & Womans Hospital shows that bald men face a 36% higher heart attack risk. Now doctors are advising men to take two tablets a day -- aspirin and Rogaine.
Studies show that 80% of Japanese husbands never pitch in to help their wives around the house. With the exception of sumo wrestlers who by tradition change their own diapers.
Scientists at Glasgow University have produced what they believe is the world's smallest Christmas card -- so tiny, you could hang 50,000 of them over the fireplace.
The 150-room Hotel de Crillon in Paris was sold to a member of the Saudi royal family for an estimated $328 million. Already changes are evident. Available bed sizes now include “King,” “Queen” and “Harem.”
A study by Harvard Med School's Brigham & Womans Hospital shows that bald men face a 36% higher heart attack risk. Now doctors are advising men to take two tablets a day -- aspirin and Rogaine.
Studies show that 80% of Japanese husbands never pitch in to help their wives around the house. With the exception of sumo wrestlers who by tradition change their own diapers.
Scientists at Glasgow University have produced what they believe is the world's smallest Christmas card -- so tiny, you could hang 50,000 of them over the fireplace.
The 150-room Hotel de Crillon in Paris was sold to a member of the Saudi royal family for an estimated $328 million. Already changes are evident. Available bed sizes now include “King,” “Queen” and “Harem.”
THURSDAY, December 23, 2010
According to historical records, "mistle" was the Anglo-Saxon word for "dung" and "toe" meant "twig" -- producing "mistletoe," "dung on a twig." From now on, Aunt Hilda’s doorstop-hard fruitcake won’t seem so bad, will it?.
High school drama classes traditionally stage “A Christmas Carol” this week. With a few updates, of course. In the modern version, Tiny Tim tells Bob Cratchet, "Only a turkey? I was hoping for a I-Pad.”
The parade of bowl games will soon flood TV, including the “Motor City Bowl,” the “Humanitarian Bowl,” the “Music City Bowl” and the “Outback Bowl.” Lowest scoring teams win coveted slots in the “Tidy Bowl Bowl.”
A Scripps Oceanography study shows that bowhead whales can live over 200 years, making them the earth's longest-living mammals. And smart, too. Most opt for early retirement when they hit 162.
Travelers on Lufthansa may watch a 10-minute video of exercises called “Flyrobics” that can be performed while seated. Routines include "Burp Bag Deep Breathing," “Overhead Bin Stretches,” and "Tray Table Pushups."
High school drama classes traditionally stage “A Christmas Carol” this week. With a few updates, of course. In the modern version, Tiny Tim tells Bob Cratchet, "Only a turkey? I was hoping for a I-Pad.”
The parade of bowl games will soon flood TV, including the “Motor City Bowl,” the “Humanitarian Bowl,” the “Music City Bowl” and the “Outback Bowl.” Lowest scoring teams win coveted slots in the “Tidy Bowl Bowl.”
A Scripps Oceanography study shows that bowhead whales can live over 200 years, making them the earth's longest-living mammals. And smart, too. Most opt for early retirement when they hit 162.
Travelers on Lufthansa may watch a 10-minute video of exercises called “Flyrobics” that can be performed while seated. Routines include "Burp Bag Deep Breathing," “Overhead Bin Stretches,” and "Tray Table Pushups."
WEDNESDAY, December 22, 2010
Among the signs that the government is facing drastic budget cuts, this year’s White House lawn Nativity Scene features Three Average Men and the baby Jesus is a lookalike.
The Air Force is boycotting the New York Times in retaliation for their Wikileaks disclosures. Meanwhile, its founder Julian Assange had his annual physical and was told he has a leaking wiki.
The hottest new video game “World of Warcraft” sold a record-breaking 3.3 million copies in two days. You thought it was tough getting our troops out of Iraq -- try getting your kids out.
In a major revamping of its web pages, Facebook has added more room for subscribers’ use. Users love it. Now there’s more room to comment on all the strangers who claim to be your “friends.”
After spirited debate, the Swiss parliament legalized consensual sex between blood relatives. The measure was sponsored by southern Sweden’s popular Bobby Joe Swensen and his wife/couisin, Dixie Belle.
The Air Force is boycotting the New York Times in retaliation for their Wikileaks disclosures. Meanwhile, its founder Julian Assange had his annual physical and was told he has a leaking wiki.
The hottest new video game “World of Warcraft” sold a record-breaking 3.3 million copies in two days. You thought it was tough getting our troops out of Iraq -- try getting your kids out.
In a major revamping of its web pages, Facebook has added more room for subscribers’ use. Users love it. Now there’s more room to comment on all the strangers who claim to be your “friends.”
After spirited debate, the Swiss parliament legalized consensual sex between blood relatives. The measure was sponsored by southern Sweden’s popular Bobby Joe Swensen and his wife/couisin, Dixie Belle.
TUESDAY, December 21, 2010
After years of experimentation, the Russians have developed a hybrid sedan powered by a mixture of gasoline and vodka. Not only economical, it’s quick, too -- goes from zero to sixty in 12 steps.
Officials in Qatar, site of the 2022 World Games, warn that alcohol and gay sex will be off limits for athletes. In fact, each team will be allowed only one gay on the roster to crochet holes in their goal net.
A current study on aging shows that many seniors keep their minds sharp by doing puzzles and brain-teasers. Most common puzzlers used are Trivia games, crosswords and remembering to deactivate the turn signal on the freeway.
Tufts University is experimenting with a program allowing students to bring dogs on campus to reduce the stress of final exams. Which will give students a new excuse -- “The dog ate my answers.”
Studies have shown that girls realize the benefits of being slender by the age of three. Products already cashing in include Nutri-Slim teething rings, Jenny Craig high-fiber Zwieback, and designer Dr. Denton’s.
Officials in Qatar, site of the 2022 World Games, warn that alcohol and gay sex will be off limits for athletes. In fact, each team will be allowed only one gay on the roster to crochet holes in their goal net.
A current study on aging shows that many seniors keep their minds sharp by doing puzzles and brain-teasers. Most common puzzlers used are Trivia games, crosswords and remembering to deactivate the turn signal on the freeway.
Tufts University is experimenting with a program allowing students to bring dogs on campus to reduce the stress of final exams. Which will give students a new excuse -- “The dog ate my answers.”
Studies have shown that girls realize the benefits of being slender by the age of three. Products already cashing in include Nutri-Slim teething rings, Jenny Craig high-fiber Zwieback, and designer Dr. Denton’s.
MONDAY, December 20, 2010
Russian scientists evaluated the risk and decided to open the Chernoble nuclear melt-down site to tourists. Souvenir-hunters are going crazy. Where else can you vacation and bring home an extra body part?
According to studies by the Highway Safety Council, New York City commuters spend the most time each working day behind the wheel. And that’s not counting time spent trying to shake off beggars attempting to squeegee their windshield in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Last April, China tested its control of the internet by intercepting 15% of e-mail traffic for less than a nanosecond. It would have gone unnoticed, but several of the messages contained a strip along the bottom with the sender’s fortune.
While internet use by Americans 65 and older is on the rise, only 4% in that age group use Twitter. Probably due to confusion over the term. In their day, “twittering” was what they did in the backseat of a ‘49 Buick.
New York City’s mayor Michael Bloomberg has asked Christmas tree lot owners to keep them open 24-7 -- for security, shopping convenience, and to simulate the forests which were stripped bare by developers.
According to studies by the Highway Safety Council, New York City commuters spend the most time each working day behind the wheel. And that’s not counting time spent trying to shake off beggars attempting to squeegee their windshield in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Last April, China tested its control of the internet by intercepting 15% of e-mail traffic for less than a nanosecond. It would have gone unnoticed, but several of the messages contained a strip along the bottom with the sender’s fortune.
While internet use by Americans 65 and older is on the rise, only 4% in that age group use Twitter. Probably due to confusion over the term. In their day, “twittering” was what they did in the backseat of a ‘49 Buick.
New York City’s mayor Michael Bloomberg has asked Christmas tree lot owners to keep them open 24-7 -- for security, shopping convenience, and to simulate the forests which were stripped bare by developers.
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 17, 18, 19, 2010
The ultra-plush Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi is displaying the world’s most expensive Christmas tree valued at $7 million and decorated with diamonds, emeralds, rubies and gold jewelry. It even has a real star on top -- not a star-shaped ornament -- an actual star, Elton John.
A pot grower in Berlin was caught with a six-foot tall marijuana plant he'd decorated as a Christmas tree. Suspicious authorities investigated further when they noticed it was flashing on and off by itself.
One of several caskets used in 1973 to bury JFK’s assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, is up for sale. If you’re willing to pay a little bit more, you can get the one that he’s still in.
Blake Edwards, producer of the widely popular 1960’s Pink Panther movies has died in Hollywood at age 88. The cartoon character became well-known all over the world and especially in France where he was referred to as the “gay jungle creature.”
In a KFC-sponsored contest, an Ohio high-schooler won a $20,000 college scholarship for a tweet that best argued why she needed the money. However, the Colonel asked for his money back after learning she plans to major in nutrition.
_______________________
And now, our annual tradition to wish all of you Happy Holidays…
The 12 Frys of Christmas
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 7 Googles goog-ling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 8 Yahoos hoo-ing, 7 Googles goog-ling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 10 dial-ups creeping, 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 11 cursors dragging, 10 dial-ups creeping, 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 12 wiggies wagging, 11 cursors dragging, 10 dial-ups creeping, 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
A pot grower in Berlin was caught with a six-foot tall marijuana plant he'd decorated as a Christmas tree. Suspicious authorities investigated further when they noticed it was flashing on and off by itself.
One of several caskets used in 1973 to bury JFK’s assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, is up for sale. If you’re willing to pay a little bit more, you can get the one that he’s still in.
Blake Edwards, producer of the widely popular 1960’s Pink Panther movies has died in Hollywood at age 88. The cartoon character became well-known all over the world and especially in France where he was referred to as the “gay jungle creature.”
In a KFC-sponsored contest, an Ohio high-schooler won a $20,000 college scholarship for a tweet that best argued why she needed the money. However, the Colonel asked for his money back after learning she plans to major in nutrition.
_______________________
And now, our annual tradition to wish all of you Happy Holidays…
The 12 Frys of Christmas
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 7 Googles goog-ling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 8 Yahoos hoo-ing, 7 Googles goog-ling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 10 dial-ups creeping, 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 11 cursors dragging, 10 dial-ups creeping, 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 12 wiggies wagging, 11 cursors dragging, 10 dial-ups creeping, 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
THURSDAY, November 16, 2010
Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin toured Haiti last weekend with a major service organization, telling reporters she’s wanted to see the country ever since singing about it as a child. Next, she plans to visit its sister cities, “Hydie” and “Ho.”
Christine O’Donnell’s “I am not a witch” tied on Yale Law School’s annual list of “Top 10 Quotes” with BP CEO Tony Howard’s “I’d like my life back.” Second runner-up was Tiger Woods’ “Cell phone… what cell phone??? That’s not mine!!!”
Juan Carlos-Cruz, known on the Cooking Channel as the “Calorie Commando,” was sentenced to nine years for hiring a hit man to knock off his wife. Not in the conventional way, though -- he wanted her sauteed in a delicate Indian curry bouillabaisse.
Thirty years after the debut of her popular exercise video, Jane Fonda, now 72, is back with a sequel. New exercises she recommends are ab crunches, deep knee bends and beating a punching bag effigy of Ted Turner.
The Vatican was named one of the world’s greenest cities after installation of solar panels on many of its rooftops. Visiting Catholics are ecstatic. It’s exactly what they needed -- energy efficient, easier-to-see apparitions.
Christine O’Donnell’s “I am not a witch” tied on Yale Law School’s annual list of “Top 10 Quotes” with BP CEO Tony Howard’s “I’d like my life back.” Second runner-up was Tiger Woods’ “Cell phone… what cell phone??? That’s not mine!!!”
Juan Carlos-Cruz, known on the Cooking Channel as the “Calorie Commando,” was sentenced to nine years for hiring a hit man to knock off his wife. Not in the conventional way, though -- he wanted her sauteed in a delicate Indian curry bouillabaisse.
Thirty years after the debut of her popular exercise video, Jane Fonda, now 72, is back with a sequel. New exercises she recommends are ab crunches, deep knee bends and beating a punching bag effigy of Ted Turner.
The Vatican was named one of the world’s greenest cities after installation of solar panels on many of its rooftops. Visiting Catholics are ecstatic. It’s exactly what they needed -- energy efficient, easier-to-see apparitions.
WEDNESDAY, December 15, 2010
For the first time since 1992, Brett Favre watched from the sideline as the New York Giants defeated the Minnesota Vikings 21-3. After the game, Brett’s next-of-kin were called and gave the coaching staff a “do not resuscitate career” order.
Wal-Mart will soon offer wine in vending machines. In keeping with long-standing company policy, the vintages offered will be limited to those bottled in Third World Countries from grapes picked and crushed by underage vineyard workers.
Responding to customer complaints that their mouthwash tastes too much like a doctor’s office smells, the makers of Listerine introduced a “less medicinal” version called “Zero.” It still tastes like a doctor’s office, but at an HMO.
Returning from lunch, a musician in London discovered his $1.9 million Stradivarius had been stolen from his car. Police soon arrested a freeway on-ramp beggar holding up a sign that said: “Will play Flight of the Bumblebee for food.”
British researchers discovered that the brains of jet pilots are genetically wired to make critical decisions under pressure more quickly -- like determining safe altitude, assimilating navigational data, and making multiple cocktail choices prior to takeoff.
Wal-Mart will soon offer wine in vending machines. In keeping with long-standing company policy, the vintages offered will be limited to those bottled in Third World Countries from grapes picked and crushed by underage vineyard workers.
Responding to customer complaints that their mouthwash tastes too much like a doctor’s office smells, the makers of Listerine introduced a “less medicinal” version called “Zero.” It still tastes like a doctor’s office, but at an HMO.
Returning from lunch, a musician in London discovered his $1.9 million Stradivarius had been stolen from his car. Police soon arrested a freeway on-ramp beggar holding up a sign that said: “Will play Flight of the Bumblebee for food.”
British researchers discovered that the brains of jet pilots are genetically wired to make critical decisions under pressure more quickly -- like determining safe altitude, assimilating navigational data, and making multiple cocktail choices prior to takeoff.
TUESDAY, December 14, 2010
Starting in January, Amtrak will allow passengers to bring concealed weapons on board. What were they thinking? May be time for them to take another peek at “Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid.”
Officials in major countries were stunned when the 2022 World Cup matches were awarded to tiny Qatar which is so small each visiting team will be awarded a free bonus goal just for finding it.
Convicted cult leader Charles Manson was discovered by guards using a cell phone. Seems he had taken advantage of Verizon’s new “cellblock-to-cellblock” package which includes a handsome striped case, call-from-the-governor waiting and no roaming charges.
Along with Oprah Winfrey and Robert Redford, former Beatle Paul McCartney was recently feted at the Kennedy Center Honors. In a related story, Ringo was presented with the coveted “High Hat” award from the Association of NFL Drum Majorettes.
In an effort to raise the sophistication level of their customers, 7-Eleven will soon feature their own house wine from Napa’s Cherrywood Cellars. It will come in a bottle, a box or a Slurpee.
Officials in major countries were stunned when the 2022 World Cup matches were awarded to tiny Qatar which is so small each visiting team will be awarded a free bonus goal just for finding it.
Convicted cult leader Charles Manson was discovered by guards using a cell phone. Seems he had taken advantage of Verizon’s new “cellblock-to-cellblock” package which includes a handsome striped case, call-from-the-governor waiting and no roaming charges.
Along with Oprah Winfrey and Robert Redford, former Beatle Paul McCartney was recently feted at the Kennedy Center Honors. In a related story, Ringo was presented with the coveted “High Hat” award from the Association of NFL Drum Majorettes.
In an effort to raise the sophistication level of their customers, 7-Eleven will soon feature their own house wine from Napa’s Cherrywood Cellars. It will come in a bottle, a box or a Slurpee.
MONDAY, December 13, 2010
In New York, a Catholic nun at Iona College was charged with embezzling $850,000 from the school over a ten year period. A clerk alerted authorities when she walked into Neiman-Marcus and asked if they had any designer rosary beads.
Londoners were aghast when demonstrators threw paint and raw eggs at a vintage Rolls-Royce containing Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla. No one could believe it. With all the cutbacks, who can afford to waste eggs?
Ann Ward has been named “America’s Next Top Model.” She received a contract to pose for the cover of “Vogue,” a five year supply of Lancome cosmetics, and her choice from next year’s New York Jets draft picks.
The 1891 document containing the original rules for basketball by James Naismith fetched a record-breaking $4.3 million at auction. The buyers were the owners of the New Jersey Nets who hope to find loopholes in the scoring process.
Wal-mart has introduced their new “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign asking customers to report anything the manager should know about -- you know, like a shoplifter, a lost child or an elderly minimum-wage greeter having a seizure.
Londoners were aghast when demonstrators threw paint and raw eggs at a vintage Rolls-Royce containing Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla. No one could believe it. With all the cutbacks, who can afford to waste eggs?
Ann Ward has been named “America’s Next Top Model.” She received a contract to pose for the cover of “Vogue,” a five year supply of Lancome cosmetics, and her choice from next year’s New York Jets draft picks.
The 1891 document containing the original rules for basketball by James Naismith fetched a record-breaking $4.3 million at auction. The buyers were the owners of the New Jersey Nets who hope to find loopholes in the scoring process.
Wal-mart has introduced their new “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign asking customers to report anything the manager should know about -- you know, like a shoplifter, a lost child or an elderly minimum-wage greeter having a seizure.
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 10, 11, 12, 2010
The Vatican was voted the most ecological city in the world thanks to giant solar panels installed on roofs. They not only save on electricity, but the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel is even more impressive in flashing neon.
A recent study found that 20% of adult Americans suffer from a certifiable mental illness. That’s the bad news. The good news is they’re easily notified to seek treatment -- most of them were in “Jackass 3.”
Dr. Laura’s friends thought she was going through a mid-life crisis when she recently had a skull with a rose in its mouth tattooed on her forearm -- until she explained that it’s required of all new members of the Hells Angels.
Some Los Angeles city councilmen have proposed a 5% tax on medical marijuana. Others favor what they call the “Sherlock Holmes” tax -- which is a 7% solution.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is charged with sexually harassing two female staffers. Friends say he was hoping no one would hear about it, but these days it seems like nobody can keep a secret.
A recent study found that 20% of adult Americans suffer from a certifiable mental illness. That’s the bad news. The good news is they’re easily notified to seek treatment -- most of them were in “Jackass 3.”
Dr. Laura’s friends thought she was going through a mid-life crisis when she recently had a skull with a rose in its mouth tattooed on her forearm -- until she explained that it’s required of all new members of the Hells Angels.
Some Los Angeles city councilmen have proposed a 5% tax on medical marijuana. Others favor what they call the “Sherlock Holmes” tax -- which is a 7% solution.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is charged with sexually harassing two female staffers. Friends say he was hoping no one would hear about it, but these days it seems like nobody can keep a secret.
THURSDAY, November 9, 2010
A unknown manuscript by Leonardo da Vinci was discovered in a library in France. Curators will carefully examine the entire work but so far, it appears to be a spec movie script entitled “Mona Lisa’s Roman Holiday.”
NASA sold hundreds of computers without erasing their hard drives which contained some of their most guarded secrets -- space shuttle construction diagrams, rocket design plans and the formula for Tang.
A woman in Alabama was charged with theft for stealing 200 books from the library. Also fraud. Somehow, she was able to go door-to-door and convince several neighbors that they were encyclopedias.
New York City will soon require all taxi drivers to wear uniforms. Their new designer outfits will include a built-in holster, a jacket with change pockets and an air freshener-on-a-rope.
Blizzards and ice storms have blanketed Europe, causing airport closures in London, Paris, Berlin, Warsaw and Geneva. For the first time in history, all of the assets in Swiss banks were frozen.
NASA sold hundreds of computers without erasing their hard drives which contained some of their most guarded secrets -- space shuttle construction diagrams, rocket design plans and the formula for Tang.
A woman in Alabama was charged with theft for stealing 200 books from the library. Also fraud. Somehow, she was able to go door-to-door and convince several neighbors that they were encyclopedias.
New York City will soon require all taxi drivers to wear uniforms. Their new designer outfits will include a built-in holster, a jacket with change pockets and an air freshener-on-a-rope.
Blizzards and ice storms have blanketed Europe, causing airport closures in London, Paris, Berlin, Warsaw and Geneva. For the first time in history, all of the assets in Swiss banks were frozen.
WEDNESDAY, December 8, 2010
Several Christian groups are demanding an apology from President Obama who told an audience that our national motto is “E Pluribus Unum,” “From many, one” instead of our actual motto “Misplacitum Rentoremus Alia Exito,” “Lost our lease -- Everything must go!”
President Obama caved in to the GOP and extended Bush’s tax cuts. Looks like he can be talked into anything. Even Michelle got him to blame basketball for his split lip instead of rough sex.
The US Treasury will withhold $110 billion in newly designed $100 bills until errors caused by a crease in the linen paper is corrected. The mistake had gone undetected until an alert employee noticed that Benjamin Franklin looked more like Eretha Franklin.
A judge in LA ruled that the McCourts’ prenup is invalid so ownership of the Dodgers is still uncertain. To complicate matters, documents have turned up that indicate Tommy Lasorda may have sold the team to Fernando Valenzuela.
Refunds were offered after a recent preview showing of “Spiderman” left cast members hanging on wires and backdrops frozen in place. Worse, the spotlights blinked on and off and began shining on celebrities in the audience.
President Obama caved in to the GOP and extended Bush’s tax cuts. Looks like he can be talked into anything. Even Michelle got him to blame basketball for his split lip instead of rough sex.
The US Treasury will withhold $110 billion in newly designed $100 bills until errors caused by a crease in the linen paper is corrected. The mistake had gone undetected until an alert employee noticed that Benjamin Franklin looked more like Eretha Franklin.
A judge in LA ruled that the McCourts’ prenup is invalid so ownership of the Dodgers is still uncertain. To complicate matters, documents have turned up that indicate Tommy Lasorda may have sold the team to Fernando Valenzuela.
Refunds were offered after a recent preview showing of “Spiderman” left cast members hanging on wires and backdrops frozen in place. Worse, the spotlights blinked on and off and began shining on celebrities in the audience.
TUESDAY, December 7, 2010
Eight patrons were trapped in a North Yorkshire, England pub for over a week after snowdrifts buried The Lion Inn. Two were British civil servants, five were Scottish tourists and one was a Chilean miner.
A leading cardiologist warns that heart attack deaths increase by 35% in December. Choking deaths also go up -- mainly people who try to swallow Aunt Martha’s 20-year old walnut & cherry fruitcake.
Vice officers recently discovered pedophiles hiding cameras in Barbie dolls to produce child porn. Nothing new. Several years back, Ken hid a camera in Barbie’s hair to expose her affair with Buzz Light Year.
In Paris, a retired electrician was found with 271 Picasso paintings. He claims they were payments for administering shock treatments to scramble the faces of his models.
A court in Nigeria has indicted Dick Cheney on war crime charges. May be just a legal maneuver, though. They’ve already offered to exchange Cheney for Wesley Snipes.
A leading cardiologist warns that heart attack deaths increase by 35% in December. Choking deaths also go up -- mainly people who try to swallow Aunt Martha’s 20-year old walnut & cherry fruitcake.
Vice officers recently discovered pedophiles hiding cameras in Barbie dolls to produce child porn. Nothing new. Several years back, Ken hid a camera in Barbie’s hair to expose her affair with Buzz Light Year.
In Paris, a retired electrician was found with 271 Picasso paintings. He claims they were payments for administering shock treatments to scramble the faces of his models.
A court in Nigeria has indicted Dick Cheney on war crime charges. May be just a legal maneuver, though. They’ve already offered to exchange Cheney for Wesley Snipes.
MONDAY, December 6, 2010
Mexican police have charged a 14-year old boy, nicknamed “El Ponchis,” with being a hit man for a drug cartel. Officials first became suspicious when they spotted him trying to stuff a body into the trunk of his bike.
The X-37B, a remote-controlled space plane, landed last week after circling the globe for seven months. It was supposed to return last August, but the pilots spent too much time in the Sky Room at Vandenberg and overshot the runway by four months.
This week marks the 69th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. Toyota is celebrating by offering a full 20% off dealers’ invoice during its year-end “Sticker Slash-a-Thon.”
A woman in Kent, England dialed 911 to report the theft of a snowman from her front yard. Bobbies immediately responded by sending Santa’s sleigh which had been displayed on the police station roof.
The Chinese have unveiled a bullet train that can reach speeds up to 300 mph and travel between Beijing and Shanghai in less than four hours. They’re calling it the “Moo Goo Gai Pan Pacific Railway.”
The X-37B, a remote-controlled space plane, landed last week after circling the globe for seven months. It was supposed to return last August, but the pilots spent too much time in the Sky Room at Vandenberg and overshot the runway by four months.
This week marks the 69th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. Toyota is celebrating by offering a full 20% off dealers’ invoice during its year-end “Sticker Slash-a-Thon.”
A woman in Kent, England dialed 911 to report the theft of a snowman from her front yard. Bobbies immediately responded by sending Santa’s sleigh which had been displayed on the police station roof.
The Chinese have unveiled a bullet train that can reach speeds up to 300 mph and travel between Beijing and Shanghai in less than four hours. They’re calling it the “Moo Goo Gai Pan Pacific Railway.”
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 3, 4, 5, 2010
Police in Huntington Beach, California now post pictures of drivers convicted of DUI on Facebook. One of them now has 5002 friends -- all alcoholics, but still…
A Pleasant Hill, California bank robber brandished a revolver and demanded cash from a teller before fleeing on foot. According to witnesses, there was an accomplice waiting outside with a pair of getaway Adidas.
Due to massive budget cuts, some California schools are eliminating gym class. But the kids can still work out at home. Toshiba now makes a TV remote that allows parents to increase the tension on the buttons.
It’s now a violation of federal law for hospitals to limit a patient’s visitors to “immediate family.” Why? The only stranger a hospital patient has ever welcomed is the pizza delivery guy.
Capping their performance at the Super Bowl in February, the Black Eyed peas have been signed to team with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Meat Loaf and Lady Gaga on a new album to be called “Buffet Table.”
A Pleasant Hill, California bank robber brandished a revolver and demanded cash from a teller before fleeing on foot. According to witnesses, there was an accomplice waiting outside with a pair of getaway Adidas.
Due to massive budget cuts, some California schools are eliminating gym class. But the kids can still work out at home. Toshiba now makes a TV remote that allows parents to increase the tension on the buttons.
It’s now a violation of federal law for hospitals to limit a patient’s visitors to “immediate family.” Why? The only stranger a hospital patient has ever welcomed is the pizza delivery guy.
Capping their performance at the Super Bowl in February, the Black Eyed peas have been signed to team with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Meat Loaf and Lady Gaga on a new album to be called “Buffet Table.”
THURSDAY, December 2, 2010
A man from London set the world record for air miles -- fifteen million. He flew Coach so -- let’s see -- that works out to about three bags of stale peanuts and two box lunches past their “best by“ date.
An original Apple One computer, first sold in 1976, recently brought $210,000 at auction. It was really rudimentary. In order to get the memory to work, you had to jog it.
Prince Charles‘s wedding will be seen by 500 million people on TV. In deference to the state of dental care in Great Britain, onlookers outside the church will be encouraged to throw rice pudding.
Police arrested Willie Nelson after finding pot on his tour bus. Looks like it’s curtains for Willie -- last time, the judge promised to throw the book at him if he was caught high on the road again.
Paris Hilton’s latest community service sentence includes painting over graffiti. Last week, she was spotted painting over a Holiday Inn sign while the guard wasn’t looking.
An original Apple One computer, first sold in 1976, recently brought $210,000 at auction. It was really rudimentary. In order to get the memory to work, you had to jog it.
Prince Charles‘s wedding will be seen by 500 million people on TV. In deference to the state of dental care in Great Britain, onlookers outside the church will be encouraged to throw rice pudding.
Police arrested Willie Nelson after finding pot on his tour bus. Looks like it’s curtains for Willie -- last time, the judge promised to throw the book at him if he was caught high on the road again.
Paris Hilton’s latest community service sentence includes painting over graffiti. Last week, she was spotted painting over a Holiday Inn sign while the guard wasn’t looking.
WEDNESDAY, December 1, 2010
For the first time in its hallowed, 83-year history, the Academy Awards will be hosted by a pair of non-comedians. That ripping sound you hear is Bob Hope, Johnny Carson and Billy Crystal tearing up their Academy cards.
The new York City School Board has authorized a Manhattan high school to maintain a drug clinic on campus. And all this time, we thought those kids on “Glee” were getting high on music.
Wesley Snipes, doing time in the federal pen for tax evasion, already has a pen-pal. Martha Stewart is giving him tips on easy-to-make holiday cell block decorations.
A fruit grower in Japan discovered that bananas ripen faster when Mozart symphonies are played near them. They also tried the Rolling Stones, but the banana skins ended up with more wrinkles than Keith Richards.
Long haul Department of Energy truckers with top-level security clearances were recently arrested for drinking while transporting nuclear warheads cross-country. They were charged with WMD-DUI.
The new York City School Board has authorized a Manhattan high school to maintain a drug clinic on campus. And all this time, we thought those kids on “Glee” were getting high on music.
Wesley Snipes, doing time in the federal pen for tax evasion, already has a pen-pal. Martha Stewart is giving him tips on easy-to-make holiday cell block decorations.
A fruit grower in Japan discovered that bananas ripen faster when Mozart symphonies are played near them. They also tried the Rolling Stones, but the banana skins ended up with more wrinkles than Keith Richards.
Long haul Department of Energy truckers with top-level security clearances were recently arrested for drinking while transporting nuclear warheads cross-country. They were charged with WMD-DUI.
TUESDAY, November 30, 2010
President Obama announced that he’s recommending a freeze on pay raises for federal employees. You have to admit it takes a lot of guts to cut the income of the guy who’s about to remove your stitches.
Tiger Woods writes in a Newsweek article that he’ll remake his image and turn his life around. That’s the good news. The bad news is he texted the entire article from the Grotto of Eros at the Playboy Mansion.
Actor Wesley Snipes has been sentenced to three years in federal prison for tax evasion. On a brighter note, he’s already been cast for the lead in Leavenworth’s inmate production of “The Taxman Cometh.”
Archeologists digging in Hunan Province unearthed a fossilized bowl of noodles believed to have been prepared in a Chinese restaurant 2500 years ago. Must be authentic -- a sign scratched on nearby wall says “No MSG.”
Inventor Steve Sasson was recently honored in Washington for his development of the digital camera. He admitted he almost gave up when he got the idea for the mega pixel, opened the newspaper, and saw a cheaper one at Frys.
Tiger Woods writes in a Newsweek article that he’ll remake his image and turn his life around. That’s the good news. The bad news is he texted the entire article from the Grotto of Eros at the Playboy Mansion.
Actor Wesley Snipes has been sentenced to three years in federal prison for tax evasion. On a brighter note, he’s already been cast for the lead in Leavenworth’s inmate production of “The Taxman Cometh.”
Archeologists digging in Hunan Province unearthed a fossilized bowl of noodles believed to have been prepared in a Chinese restaurant 2500 years ago. Must be authentic -- a sign scratched on nearby wall says “No MSG.”
Inventor Steve Sasson was recently honored in Washington for his development of the digital camera. He admitted he almost gave up when he got the idea for the mega pixel, opened the newspaper, and saw a cheaper one at Frys.
MONDAY, November 29, 2010
Barack Obama required twelve stitches on his lip after being injured while playing pick-up basketball with friends. The Secret Service agent closest to him resigned in disgrace, charged with refusing to take an elbow for the president.
Three teenage boys from an island off the coast of New Zealand were adrift in a rowboat for six weeks, surviving on nothing but one raw fish, a seagull and rainwater. Out of habit, Carnival Cruise Lines sent them a check for $5000 and an apology.
Responding to the public’s accusations of unnecessary groping by their employees, the TSA issued a warning to all male travelers to report any agent who asks you to turn your head and cough.
The FDA has banned all ingredients in artificial marijuana, warning users that the substances can cause nausea, dizziness, death and worse, an insatiable desire to wear polyester.
Following Hollywood’s insistence on remaking classics, Warner Brothers has announced it will take a crack at ’The Wizard of Oz.” PETA has already appealed to them to rename the Cowardly Lion the “Courage Challenged Lion.”
Three teenage boys from an island off the coast of New Zealand were adrift in a rowboat for six weeks, surviving on nothing but one raw fish, a seagull and rainwater. Out of habit, Carnival Cruise Lines sent them a check for $5000 and an apology.
Responding to the public’s accusations of unnecessary groping by their employees, the TSA issued a warning to all male travelers to report any agent who asks you to turn your head and cough.
The FDA has banned all ingredients in artificial marijuana, warning users that the substances can cause nausea, dizziness, death and worse, an insatiable desire to wear polyester.
Following Hollywood’s insistence on remaking classics, Warner Brothers has announced it will take a crack at ’The Wizard of Oz.” PETA has already appealed to them to rename the Cowardly Lion the “Courage Challenged Lion.”
FRI, SAT, SUN, November 26, 27, 28
Queen Elizabeth I promised to pay for her son’s wedding but will pass on the record security tab to the taxpayers. Can’t really blame her. Her attitude is “You made Amy Winehouse famous, now you pay to keep her out.”
Grateful Dead founder Jerry Garcia’s California manse is up for sale with an asking price of $4 million, even though the rock legend bought it for $250,000. There’s a good chance Jerry’s no longer grateful to be dead.
Undercover vice officers in New York City recently arrested several chess players in Central park and charged them with illegal gambling. The international Chess Federation just approved a new opening move -- “Bishop to Precinct 47.”
Sarah Palin told Fox News “I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry today, of journalism and I have a communications degree.” Please -- working summers stringing telephone cable for Exxon hardly qualifies as a communications degree.
When asked by a reporter if he’d ever consider a presidential run, Donald Trump admitted that he hasn’t ruled it out in 2012. Political pundits will be watching closely to see if he really intends to toss his hair in the ring.
Grateful Dead founder Jerry Garcia’s California manse is up for sale with an asking price of $4 million, even though the rock legend bought it for $250,000. There’s a good chance Jerry’s no longer grateful to be dead.
Undercover vice officers in New York City recently arrested several chess players in Central park and charged them with illegal gambling. The international Chess Federation just approved a new opening move -- “Bishop to Precinct 47.”
Sarah Palin told Fox News “I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry today, of journalism and I have a communications degree.” Please -- working summers stringing telephone cable for Exxon hardly qualifies as a communications degree.
When asked by a reporter if he’d ever consider a presidential run, Donald Trump admitted that he hasn’t ruled it out in 2012. Political pundits will be watching closely to see if he really intends to toss his hair in the ring.
THANKSGIVING DAY, November 25, 2010
Cops in San Diego have an APB out for a 78-year old bank robber they nicknamed the “Geezer Bandit.” He was positively identified through surveillance cameras and demand notes scrawled on the backs of bingo cards.
After four decades as the “Today Show” movie reviewer, Gene Shallit, retired. Before he gathered his possessions and left the premises, security personnel found the mummified remains of three production assistants and Hugh Downs in his hair.
ABC aired the first holiday special, “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” Next week, TLC will air “A Talent Deprived Christmas” in which Paris Hilton and Bristol Palin decorate the Kardashians.
Desperate to find measures to avoid bankruptcy, Irish officials for the first time are charging tourists to kiss the Blarney Stone -- and if they pay cash, they’re also allowed to grope it.
To decrease their attractiveness to children, health officials in the UK have proposed removing labels from tobacco products in favor of a plain, brown packet. Apparently, they’ve forgotten how their 1944 ban on toothpaste labels worked out.
After four decades as the “Today Show” movie reviewer, Gene Shallit, retired. Before he gathered his possessions and left the premises, security personnel found the mummified remains of three production assistants and Hugh Downs in his hair.
ABC aired the first holiday special, “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” Next week, TLC will air “A Talent Deprived Christmas” in which Paris Hilton and Bristol Palin decorate the Kardashians.
Desperate to find measures to avoid bankruptcy, Irish officials for the first time are charging tourists to kiss the Blarney Stone -- and if they pay cash, they’re also allowed to grope it.
To decrease their attractiveness to children, health officials in the UK have proposed removing labels from tobacco products in favor of a plain, brown packet. Apparently, they’ve forgotten how their 1944 ban on toothpaste labels worked out.
WEDNESDAY, November 24, 2010
Some Ohio legislators are catching flack over their proposal to place a limit on a condemned prisoner’s last words. In their defense, some death row inmates were taking advantage. Recently, one asked permission to deliver an after last meal speech.
Following the example of Queen Elizabeth I and the Queen Mother, Prince William and Kate Middleton will marry on April 29 at Westminster Abbey in London. Plans for a honeymoon in South Korea are being reconsidered.
Russell Crowe’s latest film “The Next Three Days” suffered an anemic $6.8 million opening weekend. Tough news for Aussies. For Russell and Mel Gibson, Matilda’s just not waltzing to the bank anymore.
This week, a bill was introduced in the Senate offering their president and tie-vote breaker Joe Biden a happy birthday. That’s the good news. The bad news is John Boehner introduced a bill to veto it.
In his new book, Pope Benedict XVI implies that in selected cases, the use of condoms will no longer be considered a mortal sin. Unfortunately, the relaxed rule applies only to priests, but it’s a start.
Following the example of Queen Elizabeth I and the Queen Mother, Prince William and Kate Middleton will marry on April 29 at Westminster Abbey in London. Plans for a honeymoon in South Korea are being reconsidered.
Russell Crowe’s latest film “The Next Three Days” suffered an anemic $6.8 million opening weekend. Tough news for Aussies. For Russell and Mel Gibson, Matilda’s just not waltzing to the bank anymore.
This week, a bill was introduced in the Senate offering their president and tie-vote breaker Joe Biden a happy birthday. That’s the good news. The bad news is John Boehner introduced a bill to veto it.
In his new book, Pope Benedict XVI implies that in selected cases, the use of condoms will no longer be considered a mortal sin. Unfortunately, the relaxed rule applies only to priests, but it’s a start.
TUESDAY, November 23, 2010
For the first time, a six-pound Chihuahua managed to pass the exam to become a police dog in Japan. Officials say “Momo” will be used to search cramped spaces during earthquake rescues and to pat down Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua at the airport.
Based on to recent discoveries, anthropologists now believe Neanderthal Man enjoyed a robust sex life. Evidence included DNA samples, bone fragments, and a message carved on the wall of a cave that said “For a good time, smoke signal Oggette.”
An executive from BP recently told reporters that gulf shrimps and oysters suffered no harm from the oil well leak. No harm? Last week, a New Orleans gas station attendant told me I was three shrimps low.
A number of oil paintings seized by the Nazis as “decadent” were discovered stored in a Berlin attic. Among the artworks found were “Whistler’s Jewish Doctor,” and Salvador Dali’s “Melting Swastikas.”
An auto dealer in Florida is offering truck buyers a free AK-47 with their purchase. Good luck. Young males can join the Army, drive a Humvee with plenty of AK-47s and shoot people legally.
Based on to recent discoveries, anthropologists now believe Neanderthal Man enjoyed a robust sex life. Evidence included DNA samples, bone fragments, and a message carved on the wall of a cave that said “For a good time, smoke signal Oggette.”
An executive from BP recently told reporters that gulf shrimps and oysters suffered no harm from the oil well leak. No harm? Last week, a New Orleans gas station attendant told me I was three shrimps low.
A number of oil paintings seized by the Nazis as “decadent” were discovered stored in a Berlin attic. Among the artworks found were “Whistler’s Jewish Doctor,” and Salvador Dali’s “Melting Swastikas.”
An auto dealer in Florida is offering truck buyers a free AK-47 with their purchase. Good luck. Young males can join the Army, drive a Humvee with plenty of AK-47s and shoot people legally.
MONDAY, November 22, 2010
One of Chicago’s favorite sons, former Bear quarterback Jim McMahon has tested positive for game-related memory loss. His condition came to light when he couldn’t remember the names of the dead people he cast votes for in the last election.
The entire Beatles song catalogue is available for the first time on iTunes. Several songs have been re-mastered for younger listeners -- like “Will you still love me when I’m 64?” is now “… when I’m 87?”
The o,nce profitable sleaze rag National Enquirer Magazine is in Chapter 11 bankruptcy. According to court records, the magazine has assets of $22.3 million and owes 458,671 retractions.
Two hundred buffed and ready seniors recently competed in L.A.’s 20th Annual Senior Olympics. Events included the “50 Meter Cane Relay,” the “Cross-Country Catheter Carry” and the “100 meter Hop, Skip and Wheeze.”
Holiday Inns nationwide have been given a billion dollar upgrade.
The new amenities include in-room I-pods for businessmen, complimentary video games for the kids, and the rock star suites come pre-trashed.
The entire Beatles song catalogue is available for the first time on iTunes. Several songs have been re-mastered for younger listeners -- like “Will you still love me when I’m 64?” is now “… when I’m 87?”
The o,nce profitable sleaze rag National Enquirer Magazine is in Chapter 11 bankruptcy. According to court records, the magazine has assets of $22.3 million and owes 458,671 retractions.
Two hundred buffed and ready seniors recently competed in L.A.’s 20th Annual Senior Olympics. Events included the “50 Meter Cane Relay,” the “Cross-Country Catheter Carry” and the “100 meter Hop, Skip and Wheeze.”
Holiday Inns nationwide have been given a billion dollar upgrade.
The new amenities include in-room I-pods for businessmen, complimentary video games for the kids, and the rock star suites come pre-trashed.
FRi, SAT, SUN, November 19, 20, 21
Warner Bros. will release the seventh Harry Potter adventure on the same day Pope Benedict delivers his annual holiday message. They have a lot in common. One dazzles his followers with amazing feats of magic and occult wizardry and the other is -- well -- Harry Potter.
The Swedish government complained that American Embassy employees had been eves-dropping on Swedes. They withdrew the complaint after Hillary Clinton explained they were just trying to figure out “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.”
Following McDonald's lead, Burger King now offers gourmet coffee. The fast food latte and cappuccino fad is on fire. Last week, a guy was arrested in a Wendy's parking lot selling Starbucks knockoffs out of the trunk of his car.
Many of Italy’s most popular tourist sites including the Coliseum, Nero’s Golden Palace in Rome, and the frescoed house in Pompeii are on the brink of imminent collapse. Looks like they may not even last as long as Tony Bennett.
A soft drink bottler in the south has come up with bacon-flavored soda. Best part is you don’t have to drink it -- you can also sprinkle it on salads and baked potatoes.
The Swedish government complained that American Embassy employees had been eves-dropping on Swedes. They withdrew the complaint after Hillary Clinton explained they were just trying to figure out “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.”
Following McDonald's lead, Burger King now offers gourmet coffee. The fast food latte and cappuccino fad is on fire. Last week, a guy was arrested in a Wendy's parking lot selling Starbucks knockoffs out of the trunk of his car.
Many of Italy’s most popular tourist sites including the Coliseum, Nero’s Golden Palace in Rome, and the frescoed house in Pompeii are on the brink of imminent collapse. Looks like they may not even last as long as Tony Bennett.
A soft drink bottler in the south has come up with bacon-flavored soda. Best part is you don’t have to drink it -- you can also sprinkle it on salads and baked potatoes.
THURSDAY, November 18, 2010
TLC‘s “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” is taped at her house in Wasilla. President Putin warned Obama that it’s a violation of the SALT Treaty if they train their cameras on Russia.
I-pad will soon offer an app that can be used to test the user for undetected STDs. Apparently, science will stop at nothing to protect innocent young girls from Brett Favre.
In a new ad blitz, KFC is paying college co-eds to wear tailored sweats with the Colonel’s logo on their rear bumper. Too bad JayLo isn’t college age -- she could have made enough to pay for all four years.
In his memoirs, George W. Bush admits that he’s a recovering alcoholic. Which may explain why he refers to torture as a twelve-step program for terrorists.
During his recent appearance on her show, George W. Bush told Oprah that he retains a childlike belief that all of his dreams will come true. In fact, during the interview, he reached under his seat expecting to find Osama Bin Laden.
I-pad will soon offer an app that can be used to test the user for undetected STDs. Apparently, science will stop at nothing to protect innocent young girls from Brett Favre.
In a new ad blitz, KFC is paying college co-eds to wear tailored sweats with the Colonel’s logo on their rear bumper. Too bad JayLo isn’t college age -- she could have made enough to pay for all four years.
In his memoirs, George W. Bush admits that he’s a recovering alcoholic. Which may explain why he refers to torture as a twelve-step program for terrorists.
During his recent appearance on her show, George W. Bush told Oprah that he retains a childlike belief that all of his dreams will come true. In fact, during the interview, he reached under his seat expecting to find Osama Bin Laden.
WEDNESDAY, November 17, 2010
It’s official! Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged to be wed in early spring or summer. If you’re of a mind to send a gift, they’re registered at “Moats R Us” and “Bed, Bath & Balmoral Castle.”
A supermarket butcher in London was arrested for cheating customers by resting her left breast on the meat scale. Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the British pound, doesn’t it?
Victoria’s Secret has unveiled a $2 million bra that’s studded with diamonds, sapphires and rubies. Sounds like something Kobe could give his wife to forgive him for an entire season on the road.
Lady Gaga is reportedly about to debut a new fragrance. Insiders who’ve sampled it say it falls somewhere between thinly-sliced lean pastrami and a veal cutlet sauteed in shallots and a robust burgundy wine sauce.
Chinese wedding photographers are refusing requests to take pictures of the couple nude. It’s a fad over there. Wedding vows written by the newlyweds often end with “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may shag the bride.”
A supermarket butcher in London was arrested for cheating customers by resting her left breast on the meat scale. Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the British pound, doesn’t it?
Victoria’s Secret has unveiled a $2 million bra that’s studded with diamonds, sapphires and rubies. Sounds like something Kobe could give his wife to forgive him for an entire season on the road.
Lady Gaga is reportedly about to debut a new fragrance. Insiders who’ve sampled it say it falls somewhere between thinly-sliced lean pastrami and a veal cutlet sauteed in shallots and a robust burgundy wine sauce.
Chinese wedding photographers are refusing requests to take pictures of the couple nude. It’s a fad over there. Wedding vows written by the newlyweds often end with “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may shag the bride.”
TUESDAY, November 16, 2010
Officials in the UK hired Ronald McDonald and the Colonel to help formulate a program that will alert Brits to the health dangers of obesity. Isn’t that a little like asking the pope to help screen Cub Scout camp counselors?
Chili’s new “Southern Smokehouse Burger” with 2090 calories, 127 fat grams and 6310 mgs of sodium has been crowned fast food’s unhealthiest menu item. The state of Texas has already used it on three death row inmates.
Boeing has sold thirty 787 jumbo passenger jetliners to Air India. They’ll be the first to offer international passengers a special, low-cost “Gandhi Class.” You get a pillow, a sheet and no food.
The new film “127 Hours” is about a rock climber who gets lodged between two boulders and cuts off his arm to survive. The sequel, due out next year, covers the lawsuit he files against himself for amputating the wrong one.
Francis Ford Coppola has been given a Lifetime Oscar from the Motion Picture Academy. Looks like Hollywood has finally forgiven him for casting his daughter Sophia in Godfather III.
Chili’s new “Southern Smokehouse Burger” with 2090 calories, 127 fat grams and 6310 mgs of sodium has been crowned fast food’s unhealthiest menu item. The state of Texas has already used it on three death row inmates.
Boeing has sold thirty 787 jumbo passenger jetliners to Air India. They’ll be the first to offer international passengers a special, low-cost “Gandhi Class.” You get a pillow, a sheet and no food.
The new film “127 Hours” is about a rock climber who gets lodged between two boulders and cuts off his arm to survive. The sequel, due out next year, covers the lawsuit he files against himself for amputating the wrong one.
Francis Ford Coppola has been given a Lifetime Oscar from the Motion Picture Academy. Looks like Hollywood has finally forgiven him for casting his daughter Sophia in Godfather III.
MONDAY, November 15, 2010
During President Obama’s visit to Mumbai, when he was told that Indian widows often throw themselves on their husband’s funeral pyre, Michelle leaned over and said, “Don’t look at me.”
An Andy Warhol painting of a Coke bottle sold at auction for $35 million, joining his Campbell’s soup can as his most valuable works. Andy was way ahead of his time. These days, Campbell’s Soup and a Coke is what most Americans call “dinner.“
Scientists have discovered a species of cricket that has the largest testicles in relation to its body size. Sound engineers confirmed that the noise crickets make at night is actually “ouch, ouch, ouch…”
For a limited time, McDonald’s is offering a pork McRib sandwich. The company has a biblical story for children printed right there on the box. Suffice to say, it involves McAdam and McEve.
Fulfilling a lifelong dream, Betty White was named an official Forest Ranger. She’ll be the spokesperson for their new motto “Only You Can Prevent Cruise Ship Engine Room Fires.”
An Andy Warhol painting of a Coke bottle sold at auction for $35 million, joining his Campbell’s soup can as his most valuable works. Andy was way ahead of his time. These days, Campbell’s Soup and a Coke is what most Americans call “dinner.“
Scientists have discovered a species of cricket that has the largest testicles in relation to its body size. Sound engineers confirmed that the noise crickets make at night is actually “ouch, ouch, ouch…”
For a limited time, McDonald’s is offering a pork McRib sandwich. The company has a biblical story for children printed right there on the box. Suffice to say, it involves McAdam and McEve.
Fulfilling a lifelong dream, Betty White was named an official Forest Ranger. She’ll be the spokesperson for their new motto “Only You Can Prevent Cruise Ship Engine Room Fires.”
FRI, SAT, SUN, November 12, 13, 14, 2010
As feared, New York’s infestation of bedbugs has reached the United Nations Building. But it may not be as bad as it sounds. In some Third World countries, bedbugs are referred to as “room service.”
According to stats compiled by the AKC, the most popular dog in the U. S. is the Labrador retriever. Among specific groups, the most appealing dog among male college students is the last girl in the bar at closing time.
A new study shows that people who put family ahead of their career come out ahead. Especially if their business is family-oriented... like shoplifting, Medicare fraud, or welfare scamming.
Chinese computer scientists have developed a high-speed memory chip capable of 2,500 trillion calculations per second. Only stumped once -- it’s been unable to correctly identify any of Nancy Pelosi’s original facial characteristics.
In response to the recent discovery that excessive use of laptop computers can damage the skin on the upper thighs, Toshiba has debuted their new “Cool Daddy 250” with a refillable radiator under the keyboard.
According to stats compiled by the AKC, the most popular dog in the U. S. is the Labrador retriever. Among specific groups, the most appealing dog among male college students is the last girl in the bar at closing time.
A new study shows that people who put family ahead of their career come out ahead. Especially if their business is family-oriented... like shoplifting, Medicare fraud, or welfare scamming.
Chinese computer scientists have developed a high-speed memory chip capable of 2,500 trillion calculations per second. Only stumped once -- it’s been unable to correctly identify any of Nancy Pelosi’s original facial characteristics.
In response to the recent discovery that excessive use of laptop computers can damage the skin on the upper thighs, Toshiba has debuted their new “Cool Daddy 250” with a refillable radiator under the keyboard.
THURSDAY, November 11, 2010
Boasting 20,000 square feet, Disney has opened their largest store in Manhattan. The opening coincides with the premiere of their latest animated feature, “Bedbugs & Broomsticks.”
A Napalese cell phone server has installed a tower near the summit of Mt. Everest so climbers can keep in touch with their loved ones. In fact, they offer several unique features such as “call scaling” and “Sherpa ID.”
Sports inventor James Naismith’s handwritten “Rules of the Game of Basketball” are on the auction block. There are a few surprises like Rule #10 which reads: “Married players caught fooling around must give their wife a diamond ring.”
A dental plate once worn by the Montreal Canadiens legend Yvan Cournoyer -- up for sale on the auction block -- was shattered when a hockey puck, also up for auction, was dropped on it.
Northern California’s city by the bay has become the first in the nation to ban toys in McDonalds Happy Meals. And none too soon. One San Francisco McDonalds was about to include boy toys.
A Napalese cell phone server has installed a tower near the summit of Mt. Everest so climbers can keep in touch with their loved ones. In fact, they offer several unique features such as “call scaling” and “Sherpa ID.”
Sports inventor James Naismith’s handwritten “Rules of the Game of Basketball” are on the auction block. There are a few surprises like Rule #10 which reads: “Married players caught fooling around must give their wife a diamond ring.”
A dental plate once worn by the Montreal Canadiens legend Yvan Cournoyer -- up for sale on the auction block -- was shattered when a hockey puck, also up for auction, was dropped on it.
Northern California’s city by the bay has become the first in the nation to ban toys in McDonalds Happy Meals. And none too soon. One San Francisco McDonalds was about to include boy toys.
WEDNESDAY, November 10, 2010
The 3,000-passenger Carnival Splendor was towed to Ensanada, Mexico after an engine room fire disabled the kitchen. The survivors subsisted on what was left of the Midnight Buffet cut into 3,000 pieces and by licking the water slide.
General Motors has retired their beloved Mr. Goodwrench who’s been sent to Miami’s “Easy Living” 'Toon Retirement Village where he’ll join long-term residents the Man From Glad, Mr. Clean, and the Tidy Bowl Man.
Under the TSA’s new guidelines, palm-backward pat-down searches are now allowed on clothed breasts and genitalia. That’s all male travelers need to hear from a smart-mouth female screener -- a backhanded compliment.
A Starbucks store in Seattle is experimenting with offering beer and wine. Their accountants discovered that if they use the same profit margin they apply to their coffee, a long-neck Bud would go for $29.95.
Stripped of his PGA card, golfer John Daly told reporters that he plans to join the European Tour. He should fit right in over there. In Scotland, purses are paid in Guinness Stout.
General Motors has retired their beloved Mr. Goodwrench who’s been sent to Miami’s “Easy Living” 'Toon Retirement Village where he’ll join long-term residents the Man From Glad, Mr. Clean, and the Tidy Bowl Man.
Under the TSA’s new guidelines, palm-backward pat-down searches are now allowed on clothed breasts and genitalia. That’s all male travelers need to hear from a smart-mouth female screener -- a backhanded compliment.
A Starbucks store in Seattle is experimenting with offering beer and wine. Their accountants discovered that if they use the same profit margin they apply to their coffee, a long-neck Bud would go for $29.95.
Stripped of his PGA card, golfer John Daly told reporters that he plans to join the European Tour. He should fit right in over there. In Scotland, purses are paid in Guinness Stout.
TUESDAY, November 9, 2010
Lindsay Lohan tells Vanity Fair Magazine that she’ll debut a new couture clothing line this fall -- “Lindsay’s Therapy Threads” will include separate outfits color-coordinated for each of the 12 steps, accessorized with a solid platinum ankle alarm bracelet from Tiffany.
In their biggest debut ever, wax statues of Lady Gaga will be unveiled simultaneously in eight Madame Tussaud’s locations throughout the world. All will be in museums except the U.S. which will be in an Armor Star meat packing plant.
Queen Elizabeth now has her own Facebook page. The octogenarian monarch is really into the latest technology. Now when she confers a knighthood, instead of tapping you with a sword, she Twitters you.
The costume worn by Darth Vader in the “Star Wars” films will be auctioned by Christies. Interested bidders are expected to include Donald Trump who has already purchased Carrie Fisher’s hair.
Vowing to outdo Catholics in Rio, Polish Catholics erected the tallest statue of Christ the Redeemer in the world. Next, they’ll challenge the Vatican with a portrait of The Last Supper that includes the maitre d‘.
In their biggest debut ever, wax statues of Lady Gaga will be unveiled simultaneously in eight Madame Tussaud’s locations throughout the world. All will be in museums except the U.S. which will be in an Armor Star meat packing plant.
Queen Elizabeth now has her own Facebook page. The octogenarian monarch is really into the latest technology. Now when she confers a knighthood, instead of tapping you with a sword, she Twitters you.
The costume worn by Darth Vader in the “Star Wars” films will be auctioned by Christies. Interested bidders are expected to include Donald Trump who has already purchased Carrie Fisher’s hair.
Vowing to outdo Catholics in Rio, Polish Catholics erected the tallest statue of Christ the Redeemer in the world. Next, they’ll challenge the Vatican with a portrait of The Last Supper that includes the maitre d‘.
MONDAY, November 8, 2010
Six-year old filly phenom Zenyatta failed to win the Breeders Cup Classic by a nose, falling short of a perfect 20-0 record before retiring. She’s headed for the glue factory, but on a brighter note -- the Super Glue factory.
In Mumbai, President Barack Obama conducted high-level talks with Indian officials on the balance of trade, import quotas, and why his MP3s aren’t downloading properly -- while the talks were monitored for quality assurance.
Sixties teeny-bop throb David Cassidy was arrested and charged with a DUI. After being booked, the cops gave him one phone call and out of habit, he called Florence Henderson.
Plans are being finalized for a long-awaited Disney theme park in Shanghai. New characters joining the familiar gang will include Mickey Mao, Peking Duck and an eighth Dwarf -- “Noodles.”
Former sportscaster and nightly poli-commentator Keith Olbermann has been canned by MSNBC. Keith had been on thin ice for quite awhile -- ever since he included Mother Teresa on his “Worst Person in the World” list.
In Mumbai, President Barack Obama conducted high-level talks with Indian officials on the balance of trade, import quotas, and why his MP3s aren’t downloading properly -- while the talks were monitored for quality assurance.
Sixties teeny-bop throb David Cassidy was arrested and charged with a DUI. After being booked, the cops gave him one phone call and out of habit, he called Florence Henderson.
Plans are being finalized for a long-awaited Disney theme park in Shanghai. New characters joining the familiar gang will include Mickey Mao, Peking Duck and an eighth Dwarf -- “Noodles.”
Former sportscaster and nightly poli-commentator Keith Olbermann has been canned by MSNBC. Keith had been on thin ice for quite awhile -- ever since he included Mother Teresa on his “Worst Person in the World” list.
FRI, SAT, SUN, November 5, 6, 7
Female barbers in Australia are now legally allowed to work topless. It’s proving to be popular among male customers, but costly. The barbers have to hire dental hygienists to control the drooling.
Reluctantly, Sony announced that it will no longer make the Walkman cassette recorder. It was bad enough when the Walkman started using a cane, but when he started pulling around an oxygen tank…
The oft-sued National Enquirer Magazine, successor to its muckraking predecessor Confidential, announced it will file bankruptcy -- then, purely out of habit, printed a retraction.
The Supreme Court refused to stay an execution because the chemicals in the lethal injection are imported from Europe, ruling that socialized medicine’s chemicals are usually better than ours for killing people.
The NFL is conducting hearings into Brett Favre’s unsavory off-the-field activities. When Brett testified under oath, the judge allowed him to use his own bible -- AARP Magazine.
Reluctantly, Sony announced that it will no longer make the Walkman cassette recorder. It was bad enough when the Walkman started using a cane, but when he started pulling around an oxygen tank…
The oft-sued National Enquirer Magazine, successor to its muckraking predecessor Confidential, announced it will file bankruptcy -- then, purely out of habit, printed a retraction.
The Supreme Court refused to stay an execution because the chemicals in the lethal injection are imported from Europe, ruling that socialized medicine’s chemicals are usually better than ours for killing people.
The NFL is conducting hearings into Brett Favre’s unsavory off-the-field activities. When Brett testified under oath, the judge allowed him to use his own bible -- AARP Magazine.
THURSDAY, November 4, 2010
LaShawn Merritt was banned from the London Games after testing positive for a substance found in Viagra. Why would a runner need Viagra? A pole vaulter, maybe -- but a runner?
Cher tells the December issue of Vanity Fair that Sonny should be enshrined in the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame. They probably should re-name her, too -- since she got in at least four faces ago.
Children now spend an average of five hours daily glued to the tube. Retailers are responding. Panasonic's new “HD-Preteen Flat Panel 500” features a thumb-operated remote that’s shaped like a Play Station.
The Crystal Cathedral declared bankruptcy. Remember the money-changers Jesus chased out of the temple? Looks like one of their descendants saddled the Rev. Schuller with an illegal sub-prime mortgage.
In Spain, A 10-year-old Romanian girl gave birth to a baby fathered by a 13-year old. All over a misunderstanding. He asked her if she was on the pill and she thought he meant Flintstones.
Cher tells the December issue of Vanity Fair that Sonny should be enshrined in the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame. They probably should re-name her, too -- since she got in at least four faces ago.
Children now spend an average of five hours daily glued to the tube. Retailers are responding. Panasonic's new “HD-Preteen Flat Panel 500” features a thumb-operated remote that’s shaped like a Play Station.
The Crystal Cathedral declared bankruptcy. Remember the money-changers Jesus chased out of the temple? Looks like one of their descendants saddled the Rev. Schuller with an illegal sub-prime mortgage.
In Spain, A 10-year-old Romanian girl gave birth to a baby fathered by a 13-year old. All over a misunderstanding. He asked her if she was on the pill and she thought he meant Flintstones.
WEDNESDAY, November 3, 2010
Charlie Sheen has filed for divorce from his third wife, Brooke Mueller, but he shouldn’t suffer too much financially. Luckily, Charlie had smart lawyers who insisted she sign a pre-rehab.
Pittsburgh’s KDAK, the nation’s first radio station, is ninety years old this week. On November 2, 1920, the station’s first historic words were broadcast: “We’ll be right back after this message.”
A judge ordered Lindsay Lohan back to the Betty Ford until January which means she’ll spend Christmas there. That’s not so bad. Last year’s passion play starred Charlie Sheen, Randi Quaid and Mel Gibson as the Three Wise Men.
In Ohio, the owner of a McDonalds was accused of stuffing employees’ pay envelopes with Republican propaganda. He was probably preparing them for their next Republican message: “Your minimum wage has been canceled.”
Scientists at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center have produced a mini-human liver in the laboratory using stem cells. Further testing is necessary, but so far they’re working splendidly in alcoholic mice.
Pittsburgh’s KDAK, the nation’s first radio station, is ninety years old this week. On November 2, 1920, the station’s first historic words were broadcast: “We’ll be right back after this message.”
A judge ordered Lindsay Lohan back to the Betty Ford until January which means she’ll spend Christmas there. That’s not so bad. Last year’s passion play starred Charlie Sheen, Randi Quaid and Mel Gibson as the Three Wise Men.
In Ohio, the owner of a McDonalds was accused of stuffing employees’ pay envelopes with Republican propaganda. He was probably preparing them for their next Republican message: “Your minimum wage has been canceled.”
Scientists at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center have produced a mini-human liver in the laboratory using stem cells. Further testing is necessary, but so far they’re working splendidly in alcoholic mice.
TUESDAY, November 2, 2010
Tiger Woods has been stripped of his top position in the golf rankings by Britisher Lee Westwood. And it came early for Tiger this year -- he usually isn’t ejected from the driver’s seat until Thanksgiving.
… He's been busy texting his amended resume to 87 bimbos.
British meteorologists are predicting the coldest winter in ten centuries. They base this on barometric pressure, rainfall data, and the clincher was when Amy Winehouse emerged from rehab and saw her shadow.
Celebrating two decades on television, Jerry Springer got the highest honor his audience could bestow -- when he walked on stage, they threw Charlie Sheen at him.
Keith Richards’s memoir “Stone Me” is selling well even though numerous readers report a strange phenomenon. If it’s left by itself on a book shelf, it trashes the shelf.
Deported Russian spy Anna Chapman posed in her underwear for Maxim Magazine has landed another assignment. She’ll be the centerfold as “Miss Gulag” in the December issue of KGB Magazine.
… He's been busy texting his amended resume to 87 bimbos.
British meteorologists are predicting the coldest winter in ten centuries. They base this on barometric pressure, rainfall data, and the clincher was when Amy Winehouse emerged from rehab and saw her shadow.
Celebrating two decades on television, Jerry Springer got the highest honor his audience could bestow -- when he walked on stage, they threw Charlie Sheen at him.
Keith Richards’s memoir “Stone Me” is selling well even though numerous readers report a strange phenomenon. If it’s left by itself on a book shelf, it trashes the shelf.
Deported Russian spy Anna Chapman posed in her underwear for Maxim Magazine has landed another assignment. She’ll be the centerfold as “Miss Gulag” in the December issue of KGB Magazine.
MONDAY, November 1, 2010
Some nuns in Baltimore will auction off a rare Honus Wagner baseball card that‘s a hundred years old. The highest price ever paid for a baseball card was $2.6 million -- for a rare Kate Hudson taken last year in a Manhattan hotel room.
... It had to happen sooner or later. Nuns were bound to stumble on easier ways to make money than bingo.
A recent study shows that the sensation of falling in love releases the same chemicals into the system as cocaine. And it‘s so much easier. You ever tried stuffing a loved one up your nose?
Since the engaged Maria Sharapova and Lakers guard Sasha Vujacic are high earners, they’ve agreed to draft a pre-nup. Very smart so far. The bad news is, they’re getting advice from Frank and Jamie McCourt.
... Interesting story here. Maria claims she knew she’d marry Vujacic when she drew his name one night while playing Scrabble with Kobe Bryant.
A movie about the Chilean miners could get expensive so CBS had a better idea. On their new reality series “Survivor: Chile,” 33 guys will spend two months underground just for a chance to get on Letterman.
McDonalds has announced that due to current economic conditions, they’ll raise their prices. Well, not really. They’ll reduce the cost of their ingredients so to them it will seem like they raised the prices.
... It had to happen sooner or later. Nuns were bound to stumble on easier ways to make money than bingo.
A recent study shows that the sensation of falling in love releases the same chemicals into the system as cocaine. And it‘s so much easier. You ever tried stuffing a loved one up your nose?
Since the engaged Maria Sharapova and Lakers guard Sasha Vujacic are high earners, they’ve agreed to draft a pre-nup. Very smart so far. The bad news is, they’re getting advice from Frank and Jamie McCourt.
... Interesting story here. Maria claims she knew she’d marry Vujacic when she drew his name one night while playing Scrabble with Kobe Bryant.
A movie about the Chilean miners could get expensive so CBS had a better idea. On their new reality series “Survivor: Chile,” 33 guys will spend two months underground just for a chance to get on Letterman.
McDonalds has announced that due to current economic conditions, they’ll raise their prices. Well, not really. They’ll reduce the cost of their ingredients so to them it will seem like they raised the prices.
FRI, SAT, SUN, October 29, 30, 31
Now couples can fly from Auckland to LA on Air New Zealand’s new “Cuddle Class” -- three seats for the price of two that fold into a bed. Air marshals aren’t busy enough already, now they have to work vice.
Polls show that California’s Prop 19, the marijuana initiative, is heading for almost certain defeat. There hasn’t been this much opposition to legalizing grass since the introduction of AstroTurf.
A new study on compulsive behavior concludes that people addicted to gambling may not have to kick the habit to be cured. Skeptics claim the test sample wasn’t large enough -- they only studied Pete Rose.
According to industry insiders, Apple Computers is negotiating to purchase Facebook. Warning here. When you become as rich as Steve Jobs you may end up having to buy friends.
Arrested in Vancouver on outstanding U.S. arrest warrants, actor Randy Quaid asked Canadian officials for “refugee status.” However, he still faces charges of vandalism and criminal failure to apologize for 1990’s “Martians Go Home!”
Polls show that California’s Prop 19, the marijuana initiative, is heading for almost certain defeat. There hasn’t been this much opposition to legalizing grass since the introduction of AstroTurf.
A new study on compulsive behavior concludes that people addicted to gambling may not have to kick the habit to be cured. Skeptics claim the test sample wasn’t large enough -- they only studied Pete Rose.
According to industry insiders, Apple Computers is negotiating to purchase Facebook. Warning here. When you become as rich as Steve Jobs you may end up having to buy friends.
Arrested in Vancouver on outstanding U.S. arrest warrants, actor Randy Quaid asked Canadian officials for “refugee status.” However, he still faces charges of vandalism and criminal failure to apologize for 1990’s “Martians Go Home!”
THURSDAY, October 28, 2010
Orange County’s famous Crystal Cathedral has declared bankruptcy. Not that there weren’t plenty of warning signs. In last year’s Nativity scene, the baby Jesus was a rental.
Forbes Magazine named Michael Jackson the top-earning dead celebrity with $275 million. For the third consecutive year, Keith Richards edged out Andy Rooney for most profitable almost-dead celebrity.
A new marble sculpture outside Milan’s Stock Exchange by Italy’s most famous living artist, depicts a hand with its middle finger extended. The sculptor’s model was a New York cabbie.
Preparing for “The Big One,” California earthquake officials staged a practice drill called ‘The Great Shake Out” -- not to be confused with the government’s anti-terrorist drill “The Great Sheik Mohammad.”
The NBA has proposed a blanket reduction in players’ salaries by 33% -- prompting the top earners to draft an irate letter to NBA officials that stated “We’re not giving up a quarter of our income for anybody!”
Forbes Magazine named Michael Jackson the top-earning dead celebrity with $275 million. For the third consecutive year, Keith Richards edged out Andy Rooney for most profitable almost-dead celebrity.
A new marble sculpture outside Milan’s Stock Exchange by Italy’s most famous living artist, depicts a hand with its middle finger extended. The sculptor’s model was a New York cabbie.
Preparing for “The Big One,” California earthquake officials staged a practice drill called ‘The Great Shake Out” -- not to be confused with the government’s anti-terrorist drill “The Great Sheik Mohammad.”
The NBA has proposed a blanket reduction in players’ salaries by 33% -- prompting the top earners to draft an irate letter to NBA officials that stated “We’re not giving up a quarter of our income for anybody!”
WEDNESDAY, October 27, 2010
Barack Obama is reported to be furious with the Pentagon over the release of 400,000 classified documents by WikiLeaks. After several high-level meetings, the best solution the Joint Chiefs could come up with was -- Depends.
Fired NPR commentator Juan Williams signed a $2 million deal with Fox News -- after turning down a $1 million offer from CNN who wanted to team him with Rick Sanchez.
While explaining DNA evidence on TV, France’s Interior Minister said “genital fingerprints” instead of “genetic fingerprints.” Then he quickly denied that he was referring to Michael Jackson.
The Chilean miners are now faulting mine officials for refusing to send alcohol down to them to celebrate their rescue. They had to make do with the Jose Cuervo Gold they were able to hack out of the rock.
The High Court of Saudi Arabia has ruled that spousal abuse is legal as long as husbands leave no visible marks. Saudi lawyers call it the “Charlie Sheen Rule.”
Fired NPR commentator Juan Williams signed a $2 million deal with Fox News -- after turning down a $1 million offer from CNN who wanted to team him with Rick Sanchez.
While explaining DNA evidence on TV, France’s Interior Minister said “genital fingerprints” instead of “genetic fingerprints.” Then he quickly denied that he was referring to Michael Jackson.
The Chilean miners are now faulting mine officials for refusing to send alcohol down to them to celebrate their rescue. They had to make do with the Jose Cuervo Gold they were able to hack out of the rock.
The High Court of Saudi Arabia has ruled that spousal abuse is legal as long as husbands leave no visible marks. Saudi lawyers call it the “Charlie Sheen Rule.”
TUESDAY, October 26, 2010
Deported Russian spy Anna Chapman posed in her underwear for Maxim Magazine. FBI cryptographers suspect she may be sending hidden messages to other Soviet agents using the notch positions on her bra clasp.
The state of Nevada has the highest home foreclosure rate in the nation. On the plus side, when the Las Vegas Sheriff serves an eviction notice, you get two rolls of quarters and a buffet coupon.
Hours after being charged with domestic violence, former San Diego Charger Junior Seau plunged his Cadillac Escalade off a 30-foot cliff. First Tiger and now Junior. General Motors is promoting their luxury SUV as “the safest car for philandering athletes.”
A crazed pack of wolves from the Ukraine stalked a Moscow traffic officer and chased him for three miles. Could never happen in the U.S. Here, they chase ambulances.
Two Syrian youngsters -- a five-year old boy and a three-year old girl -- who met and fell in love while on vacation in Latakia have announced their engagement. Sure, like those May-December marriages ever work out.
The state of Nevada has the highest home foreclosure rate in the nation. On the plus side, when the Las Vegas Sheriff serves an eviction notice, you get two rolls of quarters and a buffet coupon.
Hours after being charged with domestic violence, former San Diego Charger Junior Seau plunged his Cadillac Escalade off a 30-foot cliff. First Tiger and now Junior. General Motors is promoting their luxury SUV as “the safest car for philandering athletes.”
A crazed pack of wolves from the Ukraine stalked a Moscow traffic officer and chased him for three miles. Could never happen in the U.S. Here, they chase ambulances.
Two Syrian youngsters -- a five-year old boy and a three-year old girl -- who met and fell in love while on vacation in Latakia have announced their engagement. Sure, like those May-December marriages ever work out.
MONDAY, October 25, 2010
The municipal workers strike in France has resulted in piles of uncollected trash littering the streets of Paris. There’s so much garbage behind the restaurants, rats from Great Britain are flocking there on gourmet dining tours.
The latest statistics on internet use shows that 7% of the nation’s infants under a year old have their own e-mail address. The most popular e-mail server among the pre-day care set is “drooling.com.”
City fathers in Guadalupe, Mexico have hired a 20-year old co-ed as their new Chief of Police. In her defense, she was a straight-A student majoring in Drug Cartel Eradication at Mexico City’s prestigious University of Pancho Villa.
A thirteen year old from Brooklyn, New York has been judged the nation’s fastest-texting teen. She successfully beat out 25,000 contestants by texting the lyrics to “Old McDonald Had a Farm.” 48.6% of the losers misspelled “e-i-e-i-o.”
Mexican police cornered a group of drug cartel members and were videotaped knocking their teeth out. Witnesses thought it started when one thug said, “I don’ got to show you no stinkin’ bicuspids!”
The latest statistics on internet use shows that 7% of the nation’s infants under a year old have their own e-mail address. The most popular e-mail server among the pre-day care set is “drooling.com.”
City fathers in Guadalupe, Mexico have hired a 20-year old co-ed as their new Chief of Police. In her defense, she was a straight-A student majoring in Drug Cartel Eradication at Mexico City’s prestigious University of Pancho Villa.
A thirteen year old from Brooklyn, New York has been judged the nation’s fastest-texting teen. She successfully beat out 25,000 contestants by texting the lyrics to “Old McDonald Had a Farm.” 48.6% of the losers misspelled “e-i-e-i-o.”
Mexican police cornered a group of drug cartel members and were videotaped knocking their teeth out. Witnesses thought it started when one thug said, “I don’ got to show you no stinkin’ bicuspids!”
FRI, SAT, SUN, October 22, 23, 24, 2010
The British ruling party cut the country’s military budget by a record 14% and the results are already starting to show. Troops in the field are now sleeping in pup refrigerator cartons.
Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson may become our first Boxing Ambassador to China. No word on whether he’ll give up his job voicing one of the Chipmonks on their annual Christmas album.
In his new movie “Hereafter,” Matt Damon is able to make contact with people who have died. He told reporters he prepared for the part by studying Mick Jagger communicating with Keith Richards.
Newly uncovered fossil evidence indicates that the ferocious t.rex dinosaurs, when faced with starvation, may have cannibalized one another -- billions of years before the earliest lawyers picked up on it.
Health insurance rejections due to pre-existing conditions have risen 50% in the past three years. Aside from illness and disease, sure turn downs include sweaty palms, excessive yawning and fear of public speaking.
Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson may become our first Boxing Ambassador to China. No word on whether he’ll give up his job voicing one of the Chipmonks on their annual Christmas album.
In his new movie “Hereafter,” Matt Damon is able to make contact with people who have died. He told reporters he prepared for the part by studying Mick Jagger communicating with Keith Richards.
Newly uncovered fossil evidence indicates that the ferocious t.rex dinosaurs, when faced with starvation, may have cannibalized one another -- billions of years before the earliest lawyers picked up on it.
Health insurance rejections due to pre-existing conditions have risen 50% in the past three years. Aside from illness and disease, sure turn downs include sweaty palms, excessive yawning and fear of public speaking.
THURSDAY, October 21, 2010
For the first time, the Army is designing uniforms specifically for women. Now our fashion savvy GI Jane will feel equally stylish on KP or shopping in the PX, or handcuffed to an MP after going AWOL with PMS.
November will see the debut of the new ABC series “Skating With the Stars.” It’s a lot like “Dancing With the Stars.” In the opener, Tonya Harding does the cha-cha on Nancy Kerrigan’s shins with a tire iron.
The Vatican newspaper has announced that the Simpsons are secret Catholics. They say Homer claimed they were “Presbylutherans” after Father Sacristy banished Bart from the altar boy program for answering in Klingon instead of Latin.
Travel agents in London are booking passengers for a 7-night all-naked cruise. They’ll sail on the maiden voyage of Cunard’s latest luxury liner, the HMS Princess Fergie wearing see-thru life jackets.
China recently staged war games in the Pacific targeting remote islands with their long-range missiles. The Pentagon says not to worry, but a deckhand on a passing trawler swears he heard shouts of “Tora! Tora! Tora!”
November will see the debut of the new ABC series “Skating With the Stars.” It’s a lot like “Dancing With the Stars.” In the opener, Tonya Harding does the cha-cha on Nancy Kerrigan’s shins with a tire iron.
The Vatican newspaper has announced that the Simpsons are secret Catholics. They say Homer claimed they were “Presbylutherans” after Father Sacristy banished Bart from the altar boy program for answering in Klingon instead of Latin.
Travel agents in London are booking passengers for a 7-night all-naked cruise. They’ll sail on the maiden voyage of Cunard’s latest luxury liner, the HMS Princess Fergie wearing see-thru life jackets.
China recently staged war games in the Pacific targeting remote islands with their long-range missiles. The Pentagon says not to worry, but a deckhand on a passing trawler swears he heard shouts of “Tora! Tora! Tora!”
WEDNESDAY, October 20, 2010
Injuries including several concussions and a life-threatening spinal fracture marred NFL games last weekend. Could be costly. Three wide receivers can’t remember the numbers of their off-shore bank accounts.
For the second straight year, there will be no Social Security cost of living increase. But the Social Security Administration may have gone too far this time. They even refused to grant Tiger Woods’ ex-wife a cost of alimony increase.
A vegetable grower in Florida has successfully grown a strain of red celery by crossing green celery with a tomato. The new variety of celery stalks not only look good, but they come in a Bloody Mary.
Under new CPR guidelines for treating sudden heart attacks, the AMA now recommends chest compressions only. Mouth-to-mouth is still allowed, but only for recreational purposes.
GOP candidate Christine O’Donnell can’t wait for Halloween. She figures millions of little girls going door-to-door dressed as witches extorting bribes from homeowners will remind voters that she’s running for the U.S. Senate.
For the second straight year, there will be no Social Security cost of living increase. But the Social Security Administration may have gone too far this time. They even refused to grant Tiger Woods’ ex-wife a cost of alimony increase.
A vegetable grower in Florida has successfully grown a strain of red celery by crossing green celery with a tomato. The new variety of celery stalks not only look good, but they come in a Bloody Mary.
Under new CPR guidelines for treating sudden heart attacks, the AMA now recommends chest compressions only. Mouth-to-mouth is still allowed, but only for recreational purposes.
GOP candidate Christine O’Donnell can’t wait for Halloween. She figures millions of little girls going door-to-door dressed as witches extorting bribes from homeowners will remind voters that she’s running for the U.S. Senate.
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ