MONDAY, September 22, 2008

BRISTOL, RHODE ISLAND -- The new director of the Rhode Island Veterans home is Gen. Rick Baccus, former head of the Guantanamo Detention Camp. No one knows what he's doing in there, but so far, six veterans have admitted planning 9/11.

DAYTONA, FLORIDA -- A 32-year old man wading in the surf has become the 22nd shark bite victim in Volusia County this year. Lifeguards say the vacationing lawyer can thank "professional courtesy" for suffering only a nip on his heel.

BAGHDAD, IRAQ -- Petreas transfers command of US forces in Iraq to Odierno... which is a contraction of the ancient Spanish battle cry "This war stinks to high heaven, but as long as we're already here... "

FAIRBANKS, ALASKA -- A minor riot broke out in the stands during a football game between crosstown rivals Lathrop High and West Valley High. Governor Palin declared the stands a disaster area and blamed outside agitators from nearby Russia.

BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA -- The Sixteenth Baptist Church tolled its bells on the 45th anniversary of the killing of four black girls by the Ku Klux Klan. The Klan celebrated the event with a barbecue followed by their annual "Skeets 'N' Sheets" shotgun tournament.

MIAMI BEACH, FLORIDA -- City fathers here are considering a proposal to impose a $250 fee for couples using Dade County beaches as a wedding site. The fee would include free use of medical waste for guests to
throw instead of rice.

HELENA, MONTANA -- Police will attempt to kill 50 deer to reduce their ever-increasing urban population. Alaska's Governor Palin has offered to dress the carcasses since deer and moose are, as she put it, "pretty darned similar."

BARNSTEAD, NEW HAMPSHIRE -- Two girl scouts were injured when cooking fuel spattered on them during a camp out with boy scouts at Camp Fatima. Looks like it's back to the ol' manual. No one was ever injured rubbing two sticks together.

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA -- The state will conduct its first alligator hunt in 20 years with 1000 licensed hunters. Divided into three groups -- Group I: Wallets, Group II: Belts and Group III: Shoes.

ROME, ITALY -- A spokesman for Pope Benedict XVI announced he will not apologize for his church's condemnation of Charles Darwin following publication of "Origin of Species" 150 years ago next March. And rightly so. If the pope had to apologize for erroneous Catholic teachings, he'd scarcely have time left to oppose abortion following rape, excommunicate politicians he doesn't agree with and pardon his priest pedophiles.
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[] [] [] Bob's book, THE LAUGH MAKERS, which recalls his two decades on the road with Bob Hope, will be available soon from Bear Manor Media. It's a delightful, side-splitting journey back to the sketch comedy of television's Golden Age -- a long-ago era of variety, song and dance, brilliant patter and a seemingly endless parade of laughs sprung from the genius of "gag men," that talented gang of wit-blessed wordsmiths to whom the book pays well-deserved homage. Jam-packed with stories, anecdotes and unretouched photos, THE LAUGH MAKERS recalls the often-hilarious, sometimes heartwarming and always touching tales of the legendary stars who guested on The Bob Hope Show. Watch for th publication date on www.bearmanormedia.com and be sure to secure your copy early.
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CHATTANOOGA, TENNESSEE -- Traces of thirteen drugs including antibiotics and anti-depressants have been detected in water samples taken from the Tennessee River. Which explains why the trout caught there seem so healthy and well-adjusted lately.

BIG STONE GAP, VIRGINIA -- The new inductee into the Southwest Virginia Walk of Fame is Daniel Boone, to mark his historic impact on frontier development. Last year's honoree was Pat Boone for putting Virginia's White Bucks County on the map.

MADISON, WISCONSIN -- Campus police at the University of Wisconsin are planting GPS devices on "bait" bikes to catch bicycle thieves. So far,"Operation Lance Armstrong" has snagged twelve hard-core Schwinn snatchers.

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA -- State officials have confirmed rumors that Sarah Palin had a tanning bed installed in the governor's mansion. Aides quickly explained that the bed was used to make elk jerky, a favorite among state house staffers.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Pentagon has ordered more 20-foot long bombs that can deliver two tons of explosives deep into the earth. Probably too much to hope that they'll conduct tests of the "Bunker Busters" on Cheney's.

TUCSON, ARIZONA -- The University of Arizona has scrapped its slogan "Arizona's First University" in favor of ""Arizona's World-Class University." Which barely edged out "Don't look at us -- we didn't encourage him to run!"

ORLANDO, FLORIDA -- As many as 200 homes built over an abandoned military gunnery range near the Orlando International Airport may be sitting on unexploded ordinance left behind by the Army. The threatened developments include "Del Webb's Hand Grenade Estates," "Smith & Wesson Meadows," and Donald Trump's "Run For Cover Retirement Condos."

REDDING, CALIFORNIA -- The California National has successfully located and destroyed a record 410,000 marijuana plants which they refer to as "weapons of mass hallucination."

NEW BRITAIN, CONNECTICUT -- Andrew Glover, 60, has sued the police department for ripping out his catheter during his arrest on child pornography charges. Turns out one of the vice officers was previously a male nurse at Kaiser.

SALINA, KANSAS -- A county health inspector closed down the annual Hispanic Heritage Celebration when he discovered the Mexican caterer had provided wooden tables. Seems an obscure 1898 ordinance prohibits anyone but a caucasian to picnic.

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA -- The Minnesota Twins' new ball park will be called "Target Field" under terms of a 25-year contract with the retailer. The competitive bidding could have resulted in "Bed Bath & Beyond Field," "99-Cent Store Field," or "Ross Dress For Less Field."
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better."

George W. Bush 9/24/2001 Montreal, Canada
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WASHINGTON, D.C. -- When Michael Haden, head of the CIA, was asked by reporters why his agency has been unable to catch Osama bin Laden, he said, "Because he's hiding." You get the feeling it probably wouldn't make any difference even if he weren't?

LONDON, ENGLAND -- British artist Damien Hirst, whose works celebrating death and decay include a pickled shark and an embalmed calf, collected a record $198 million at a Sotheby's auction. The 200 works didn't include his most famous piece, a mobile made of Ted Williams' frozen head and body parts once attached to Allister Cooke.

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY -- The New Jersey Hall of Fame will install its second group of inductees that includes Jack Nicholson, Bon Jovi and F. Scott Fitzgerald. It's New Jersey's highest honor -- second only to not being on the list.

SYRACUSE, NEW YORK -- Sculptor Bruno Lucchesi will correct anachronistic errors on his statue of 1961's Heisman Trophy winner Ernie Davis, who's sporting a modern face mask and a Nike logo. Careless, but not as bad as his statue of O.J. on the front lawn of U.S.C. wearing Bruno Magli cleats.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Last week, gold prices made the biggest one-day gain in history. According to his agent, Mr. T was offered three parts he didn't even audition for.

GRAND ISLAND, NEBRASKA -- Under terms of a union settlement, the Swift Meat Packing plant will allow Muslim workers a 30-minute break atsundown during Ramadan. Catholics will be allowed a 30-minute bereavement break each time another priest pedophile arrest is announced.

HELENA, MONTANA -- Responding to complaints, the trustees of the Clara Library will rule on whether "The Joy of Gay Sex" should be removed fromthe shelves. In the meantime, a sign over the check-out desk will read: "You Don't Ask, We Won't Tell."

CHARLESTON, WEST VIRGINIA -- A special panel of women veterans settled a controversy over a proposed statue honoring them by ruling that it's not too masculine. The largely symbolic work depicts six of them planting an American flag on Rosie O'Donnell.
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[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
Upcoming schedule:
9/25 New fall TV season
10/2 Review of "True Blood"
10/7 Larry David Interviewed by David Steinberg
10/14 Review of "The Doctors"
10/21 Review of "Little Britain"

www.larrs.org
password: independence
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MARYSVILLE, TENNESSEE -- Officials at Smoky Mountain National Park say they'll eliminate a certain number of female feral pigs, but will never eliminate them completely. Not as long as they're allowed to wear lipstick, anyway.

TWIN MOUNTAIN, NEW HAMPSHIRE -- The state of New Hampshire averages 230
moose-automobile collisions a year. Almost twice that of Elks, Lions and Knights of Columbus combined.

OREM, UTAH -- Former Mormon Bruce Bastian, co-founder of WordPerfect, donated $1 million to oppose the Mormon-supported bill to overturn California's gay-marriage law. In all fairness to the LDSers, they also oppose gay polygamy.

MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA -- Alabama's infant mortality rate rose to 10 per 1000 childbirths last year and health officials intend to find out why. Maybe requiring that it be done indoors would be a step in the right direction.

FAIRBANKS, ALASKA -- A burglar used a chain saw to cut a hole through the wall of a log cabin village store. He told police his ice-sculpture business had dropped off.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The federal government now owns 80% of AIG, the world's largest insurance company. Didn't that used to be called Communism?

NANTES, FRANCE -- A heretofore unknown draft of a melody written by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was found in a library here. On the reverse of the document are lyrics of the ditty entitled "Bonaparte, We've Grown Apart Since You Left For Elba."

ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND -- McCain attended his fiftieth class reunion of 1958 Naval Academy graduates. The guests cocktail partied, dined, danced and then watched Sarah Palin demonstrate field dressing a moose on the deck of the aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Henry Z. Steinway, great grandson of the legendary founder of the piano empire, died at age 93. In accordance with his final wishes, he was buried in a company-made casket with heavy legs, pedals and a bench.

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA -- McCain aides admitted that someone hacked into Sarah Palin's e-mail account, "trailortrash@firstdude.com."

BRAZILIA -- Scientists in the Amazonian rain forest have discovered the remains of a blind, subterranean ant -- three millimeters long and pale -- they believe is the first ant species to evolve on earth. The specimen was perfectly preserved in a deviled brontosaurus egg sandwich left behind by the Flintstones after a picnic.
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