MONDAY, September 29, 2005

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Firefighter John Morabito told reporters that Sarah Palin was "very personable" during a tour of the 9/11 World Trade Tribute Center. But he did say she looked "disappointed" when told that there is no zero actually printed on the ground.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Supreme Court returns this week and will take up the case of FCC vs. Fox TV to decide whether Cher's use of the F-word at the Billboard Music Awards is protected free speech. In a companion case, they'll also rule on whether her body should be declared a federally protected silicone reserve and made subject to off-shore drilling.

OMAHA, NEBRASKA -- A new "safe haven" law allows parents to drop kids at licensed hospitals between five and nine PM on Wednesdays "no questions asked." Since last Wednesday, Lindsay Lohan is wondering how in hell she'll find work in Nebraska.

WASHINGTON, D. C. -- The Pentagon has fired 17 Air Force and Army officers -- eight generals and nine colonels -- for allowing nuclear warheads to be flown to Taiwan. Not to worry, though. Six of the khaki-clad pinheads have already landed jobs at Fox News as ersatz "Middle East military experts."

LONDON, ENGLAND -- Archeologists have uncovered evidence that Stonehenge was once an ancient shrine to which the faithful flocked for cures of various physical ailments. Such use appears to have ceased after rights to the cures were sold to Pope Disneronimous XII for his new tourist attraction -- Lourdes.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- JP Morgan Chase & Company has purchased Washington Mutual National Bank, known as Wa-Mu -- which Morgan officials plan to change to "F-U."

KANAWHA COUNTY, WEST VIRGINIA -- Jose Cruz, 34, was charged with battery after he farted and wafted the resulting flatulence toward patrolman T. E. Parsons while being booked on a charge of DUI. At trial, the case was dismissed after Jose's lawyer raised the seldom-used "Blazing Saddles" defense.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"It seemed to me they based some of their decisions on the word of -- and the allegations -- by people who were held in detention, people who hate America, people that had been trained in some instances to disassemble -- that means not to tell the truth."

George W. Bush 5/31/2005 Washington, DC

Idiotic quotes courtesy of: www.sourcebooks.com
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CONWAY, NEW HAMPSHIRE -- City officials are considering a proposal to provide a "warming station" this winter for people unable to afford heating oil. Warming station? Weren't those once called "brothels"?

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- VH-1 has named "Fight The Power" by Public Enemy the best hip-hop song of all time. It only barely nudged out "Public Enema Number One" by Syphilitic Dwarf.

DES MOINES, IOWA -- The state supreme court will allow former Iowa hoop standout Pierre Pierce to play pro basketball in France despite his conviction of burglary, false imprisonment, assault with intent to commit sexual abuse and trespass. Pierre has been signed by the league-leading Bastille Ruffians.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Earlier this week, Sarah Palin met with Henry Kissinger who briefed her on the intricacies of the Cold War. She briefed him on how to field dress a moose for cold storage.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The US Mint has unveiled designs for four new pennies to commemorate the 200th birthday of Abraham Lincoln. A slight departure from their usual patriotic themes, the coins will depict scenes of Abe, as though he were a guest, interacting with the cast of "Desperate Housewives."

SALEM, OREGON -- Officials in Marion County are considering a proposal to recycle bread, dairy products and meat. As though school lunches weren't bad enough already.

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA -- The 32nd annual "Fall Tours of Homes and Gardens" celebrating Charleston's 18th-century architecture opened this past Thursday. For the first time in its history, the tours include homes in various stages of foreclosure and visitors can bid on them.

ATLANTIC CITY, NEW JERSEY -- New York lawyer Arelia Tavaras, an admitted gambling addict, sued seven casinos, claiming she lost over $1 million during gambling sprees they should have stopped. But she weakened her argument by claiming she also became addicted to Jerry Vale.
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NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Sarah Palin stopped by the United Nations building this week and met several world leaders including Afghanistan's Hamid Karzai and the president of Georgia. She would have met more, but she'll only meet with leaders from countries she can see from her front porch.

BEIJING, CHINA -- China launched its third manned space flight with three "Taikonauts" aboard Shenzhou 7. During the mission, tests were performed to determine if there is uncontaminated milk on Mars.

GLASGOW, DELAWARE -- A Girl Scout troop leader has been charged with embezzling $3000 collected during the recent cookie sale. The successful sting was carried out by several "undercover" scouts, daughters of cops, who were able to plant a listening device in a box of peanut clusters.

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS -- Boston University School of Medicine will study donated brains from sixteen athletes, including six former NFL players, to determine the long term effects of concussions. Any leftover samples from the NFL stars will be used to study the effects of long term cocaine and alcohol abuse.

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA -- Nicole Kidman claims that swimming in Australian Outback "fertility waters" somehow contributed to her unexpected pregnancy. And all during her marriage to Tom Cruise, we thought TOM was the screwball.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Following a long search, German conductor Christoph Eschenbach has been named director of the National Symphony. But he was offered the post only after attempts by Paul Shaeffer to get out of his contract with Dave failed.

CAIRO, EGYPT -- Archeologists have uncovered a 3000-year old, 30-inch high, red granite head of the 19th Dynasty pharaoh, Ramses II -- part of a larger statue that was dedicated to the Cat Goddess, Bastet -- often confused by Egyptologists with the Dog Goddess, Leona Helmsley.

QUEBEC, CANADA -- At 4.28 billion years, the oldest bedrock on earth was recently discovered by scientists from McGill University on the eastern bank of Hudson Bay. The second, third and fourth-oldest bedrocks are generally believed to be owned by John McCain.
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[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
10/2 Review of "True Blood"
10/7 Larry David Interviewed by David Steinberg
10/14 Review of "The Doctors"
10/21 Review of "Little Britain"

www.larrs.org
password: independence
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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA -- Mathematicians at UCLA have won a $100,000 prize for discovering a Mersenne prime number (divisible by only itself and 1) -- that has 13,000,000,000 digits. It was discovered inadvertently while scientists were attempting to estimate the ultimate cost of the war in Iraq.

KING OF PRUSSIA, PENNSYLVANIA -- Four store detectives employed at the local Nordstrom's have been indicted for shoplifting. And they'd have pulled it off, too, if the lobby pianist hadn't thought his G string was flat, checked, and discovered sixteen assorted packs of Cross-Your-Heart bras stuffed in his Steinway.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS -- Officials at Wal Mart have announced that, starting in 2009, they will phase out plastic shopping bags. They have no plans, however, to phase out the plastic smiles on the $6-per-hour retirees employed as greeters.

CALCUTTA, INDIA -- According to the latest census figures, of India's 1.1 billion people -- 5,000 of whom claim they're Jewish -- only 35 Jews live in Calcutta -- the fate of any city with only one Chinese restaurant.

HAMPTON, VIRGINIA -- More than $500 million will be needed to restore Fort Monroe, recently abandoned by the Army. The historic seaport fort was named after Marilyn Monroe in appreciation of her efforts to secure the commanding general a job as Clark Gable's stunt double in "The Misfits."

PASSAIC, NEW JERSEY -- PureCart Systems, Inc. now provides supermarkets with a high-tech cleaning machine that sprays a mist of peroxide solution on shopping carts after each use. Customers can choose the regular line for routine decontamination or the express line for 10 deadly staphylococci or fewer.

LONDON, ENGLAND -- Organizers of the 2012 Olympics have assured Muslim participants that they will not have to face Mecca while using restroom facilities provided for the Games. Toilets will be mounted on a lazy Susan so athletes can dial their defecation direction according to their individual religious beliefs.
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[] [] [] Bob's book, THE LAUGH MAKERS, which recalls his two decades on the road with Bob Hope, will be available soon from Bear Manor Media. It's a delightful, side-splitting journey back to the sketch comedy of television's Golden Age -- a long-ago era of variety, song and dance, brilliant patter and a seemingly endless parade of laughs sprung from the genius of "gag men," that talented gang of wit-blessed wordsmiths to whom the book pays well-deserved homage. Jam-packed with stories, anecdotes and unretouched photos, THE LAUGH MAKERS recalls the often-hilarious, sometimes heartwarming and always touching tales of the legendary stars who guested on The Bob Hope Show. Watch for the publication date on www.bearmanormedia.com and be sure to secure your copy early.
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MIDDLETON, CONNECTICUT -- Thirty students at Middleton High were suspended after authorities raided a "breakfast barbecue" being hosted by the senior class in the school's parking lot. When police arrived, students had their school mascot, "Porky," lashed to a spit but hadn't yet fired up the Charm-Glo.

PHOENIX, ARIZONA -- McCain recently admitted to an interviewer that he owns thirteen cars. He admitted that, at any given time, eight of them have their left turn signals stuck on "On."

LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY -- Dr. John Patterson and the Commonwealth Eurology Clinic have been sued by Phillip Seaton, 61, for wrongful removal of his penis during surgery to reduce inflammation. Criminally, Dr. Patterson faces charges of malpractice, gross negilgence and impersonating a rabbi.

KEY WEST, FLORIDA -- State animal welfare authorities have allowed the Ernest Hemmingway Home and Museum to keep the fifty or so 6-toed cats, descendents of Papa's favorite "Snowball," that roam the grounds. On the condition that the curator install an industrial-strength scratching post.

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS -- Three middle school science and mathematics teachers fired for their inability to speak English have been reenstated by the state appeals court. The three, fluent in math, elatedly described the decision as "3x=6-2.09y+1/4!"

DETROIT, MICHIGAN -- The Michigan State Police have closed the Detroit Crime Lab after an investigation revealed that 10% of their cases resulted in erroneous convictions. Investigators found they had routinely used powdered donuts to dust for latent fingerprints and often misplaced the weapons planted by cops to insure convictions.

BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA -- Ed McMahon, 86, has been hired by FreeCreditRep.com to tape a series of commercials while reciting rap lyrics. They provided Ed, now working as "L'il Alpo," with a week's training by P. Diddy and a 14-caret gold front tooth.
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