;

SEPTEMBER 15, 2008

SEOUL, NORTH KOREA -- Kim Jong Il, referred to by his followers as "The Dear Leader," has not been seen in public for two months and is rumored to have had a stroke that para -- oh, I'm sorry -- that's McCain.

BEIJING, CHINA -- China's relaxed rules for foreign journalists, enacted for the Olympics, will expire in September. But officials promise that "executions will not be resumed at anywhere near their former levels."

PARIS, FRANCE -- Following a mass staged behind the Eiffel Tower, Pope Benedict XVI told 250,000 followers that the world has become obsessed with wealth and power. Banging the mahogany inlaid-with-ivory pulpit for emphasis, he knocked three diamonds and several rubies off his 13th century platinum scepter.

LOURDES, FRANCE -- The pope then visited the site where Saint Bernadette was rumored to have seen the Blessed Virgin Mary on the wall of a cave. Her latest confirmed siting occurred last February on a fresh Cinnabon in Cleveland.
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SURREY, ENGLAND -- A newly-discovered diary kept by English barrister William Bray in 1755 is believed to contain the earliest reference to the game of baseball. The entry concludes "... directly following thee game, both teames gathered for a pint at thee Pig & Syringe in Stratford On Mantleshire."

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA -- An all-white jury has been selected in the trial of O.J. Simpson on kidnapping and robbery charges. But O.J. isn't complaining. One of them is Kato Kaelin.

LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY -- Bed, Bath & Beyond faces criminal charges after a store manager refused to call 911 when a baby was found in a locked car in the parking lot. It's been renamed Bed, Bath & Beyond Belief.

ROMULUS, MICHIGAN -- The L.C. Smith Terminal at Detroit's Municipal Airport, replaced by the new North Terminal, will be rented to TV and film companies for use as an airport set. Its mens room will be seen in Universal's upcoming "The Larry Craig Story."
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"I think war is a dangerous place."

George W. Bush 5/7/03 Washington, DC

Idiotic quotes courtesy of: www.sourcebooks.com
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SYRACUSE, UTAH -- Experts are at a loss to explain the near-record low water level in the Great Salt Lake. Adding to the mystery are several recent samples that contained traces of tequila.

MOORETOWN, VERMONT -- The Mooretown Landfill will begin using methane gas produced by decomposing garbage to generate enough electricity to light 1200 homes. And you thought lighting farts would never have a practical application.

JUNEAU, ALASKA -- City fathers have allocated $55,000 to hire an "avalanche forecaster." He'll replace Gov. Palin's old system of treating avalanches as "part of God's plan."

CLEAR LAKE, INDIANA -- Hanover Central High School has alienated its female students by banning purses in the classroom. School officials got the idea from Hollywood High officials who recently placed a ban on designer purses.

ATHENS, GREECE -- Archeologists have unearthed gold jewelry, weapons and pottery at an ancient burial site dating from 650 to 279 BC. Among the finds were gold necklaces, beads and a bronze bracelet with John McCain's birth date engraved on it.

BANGKOK, THAILAND -- A court removed Thailand's prime minister after discovering he was paid to appear on a TV cooking show. The money alone would have just brought a warning, but he was demonstrating Tex-Mex recipes.

FARMERS BRANCH, TEXAS -- A federal judge ruled that this Dallas suburb can not prohibit illegal immigrants from renting apartments. Moreover, landlords may not refuse to accept first and last month rent payments tendered in pesos.

HONOLULU, HAWAII -- Governor Linda Lingle fired Hawaii's tourism chief after he was discovered using his office computer to send pornographic e-mails. The porn would have garnered him only a warning, but the photos reportedly involved Don Ho, Jack Lord and Hilo Hattie.
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SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA -- Walgreens has sought an injunction to prevent the city from enforcing its ban on selling tobacco products in drug stores. It's also seeking the court's permission to display sex toys on the shelf beside the Fleet enemas.

MIAMI, FLORIDA -- A Miami-Dade County commissioner objects to a proposal to name a street after baseball's Jose Canseco since he's admitted steroid use. Proponents admit that maybe their plan to use signs shaped like a syringe went too far.

GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN -- Masquerading as her teen daughter, Wendy Brown, 33, enrolled in high school and became a cheerleader before being discovered. Officials became suspicious when she listed a tummy tuck as her senior science project.

TAMPA, FLORIDA -- Circuit Judge Daniel Perry ordered 61 jail inmates scheduled to appear before him back to the jail to "dress properly." Seems some were wearing pants down around their hips and others had jumpsuits with stripes running in the wrong direction.

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA -- The Department of Homeland Security along with the Federal Emergency Management Agency are co-hosting a workshop on "constructing homes that can survive natural disasters." Using materials that repel wind, fire, water and any rescue attempts by FEMA.
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