Page Turner

[] Republican Mark Foley resigned his House seat after suggestive e-mails to a male page came to light----statements included "Do I make you horny?... well, strip down and get naked." (Associated Press 9/30)

GOP leaders vowed to root such behavior out of Congress and send it back to the sacristy where it belongs.

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[] The President and First Lady hosted a black tie gala to launch the National Book Festival. (USA Today 9/30)

Anytime Bush is in the same room with a book it merits a black tie gala.

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[] Congress has okayed a bill to construct a 700-mile-long fence along the US-Mexican border. (USA Today 9/30)

With a 1,300-mile-wide gate.

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[] New, high tech sound editing software proves that Neil Armstrong was correct when he insisted he actually said "One small step for a man... " (Associated Press 10/1)

Followed by "Oops. Hand me the Pooper Scooper."

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[] The Sons of Confederate Veterans have objected to Sen. Mark Allen admitting that he failed to grasp that the Confederate flag could be offensive to minorities. (USA Today 9/25)

Offensive? Just because they use it to line birdcages?

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[] A West Point cadet has been convicted of rape----the first since women were admitted in 1976. (Cable News Network 9/29)

Duty... Honor... Country... DNA.

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[] Michael Jackson and Deborah Rowe agree on custody rights of their two children. (Associated Press 9/30)

She gets to take them to the park and he gets to dangle them from balconies.

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[] The Los Angeles Archdiocese is close to a settlement that would pay forty-five sexual abuse victims $60 million. (Los Angeles Daily News 9/30)

Hang up wasn't the money, but Cardinal Rog Mahoney's refusal to have his testicles put on display as official relics at our Lady of the Endless Stonewall Cathedral.

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[] Two Palm Beach FL priests embezzled $8.6 million from St. Vincent Ferrer Catholic church to pay gambling debts. (USA Today 9/29)

In the padres' defense, you can't molest underage one-armed bandits.

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[] Pope tells Castle Gondolfo audience that "the Church does not force anyone to accept the message of the gospel." (USA Today 9/29)

He was in town to excommunicate Madonna.

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[] Former White House chief-of-staff Andrew Card denies allegations in Bob Woodward's Book that he tried to get rid of Rumsfeld. (Fox News 10/1)

"Ut tu, Andrew?"

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[] Bush says he retains the "fullest" confidence in Rumsfeld. (Cable News Network 10/1)

As opposed to "full" confidence which, to this grammar-challenged ignoramus, just doesn't seem quite full enough.

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[] Al-Zawahari accuses Bush of being a "deceitful liar" and the pope of launching another Crusade. (Associated Press 9/30)

And both were elected by ballots that had to be burned afterwards.

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Terrall Owens called A.T. & T. and signed up for Suicide Call Waiting.

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[] John Gotti, Jr. won his third consecutive mistrial on racketeering charges. (CBS News 9/28)

After jurors received a personal invitation to an overnight at the Red Lobster.

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[] Danny Flores who wrote the 1958 classic "Tequila" has passed away at age 77. (People Magazine 10/9)

According to his final wishes, he was creamated and his ashes placed in an urn with a salted rim.

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[] A New York City judge has dismissed David Gest's $10 million spousal abuse lawsuit against his former wife, Liza Minnelli. (AP 9/28)

Looks like Liza's $10 mil will continue sitting alone on the shelf.

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[] F.E.M.A. will donate thousands of unused travel trailers to church groups, charitable organizations and Indian tribes. (Fox News 10/1)

"Good job, Brownie!"

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