Trombone Lady

[] Barbara Walters turned 76 this week. (CBS News 9/26)

In her honor, Bush signed a proclamation allowing her to torture Star Jones.

________________________________________________


[] "60 Minutes" launched its 39th season on CBS. (USA Today 9/26)

The cast celebrated with on-air colonoscopies.

________________________________________________


[] Fox will produce faith-themed films. (Time Magazine 10/3)

In "Jackass III," Jesus will be riding it.

________________________________________________


[] Accused polygamist Warren Jeffs says he willing to stay in jail for several weeks until the state of Utah decides whether to prosecute him for bigamy. (USA Today 9/29)

It's the most peace and quiet he's had in 20 years.

________________________________________________


[] Twenty-two sketches and watercolors believed to be the work of Adolf Hitler fetched $220,000 at auction. (Associated Press 9/27)

The most recognizable of which is his "Nude Descending Herman Goering."

________________________________________________


[] Using laser scanning, art experts have discovered a cloth shawl on Mona Lisa that was commonly worn by pregnant women at the time. (Associated Press 9/27)

They even spotted the faint outline of a "Babies-R-Us" label in Italian.

________________________________________________


[] Paris Hilton has been formally charged with DUI. (Associated Press 9/27)

A charge of gifting In-N-Out Burger with gratutious media exposure was dropped by Carl's, Jr.

________________________________________________


[] The Game Show Network is hosting a "National Vocabulary Championship" with a $40,000 prize going to the winner. (USA Today 9/27)

Plus a trophy to be known as the "George W. Bush Cup."

________________________________________________


[] Record rain and severe heat waves have resulted in a shortage of pumpkins for Halloween. (Time Magazine 10/3)

Kids are being given classes in how to carve a face in an eggplant.

_______________________________________________

Admit it----you'd just love to get the lowdown on that creep who keeps showing up at the Alanon meetings... or the lovable pervert who lives over on Elm? Relax. Help is but a click away ]----------------------->
_______________________________________________


[] Boeing has landed a $67 million contract to install a "virtual" wall along the US-Mexican border. (Time Magazine 10/2)

Using lost luggage donated by their airline customers.

________________________________________________


[] The "Shape-Up" weight-loss system endorsed by Dr. Phil paid $10.5 million after being exposed as a fraud. (USA Today 9/26)

In the good doctor's defense, the pills did grow hair.

________________________________________________


[] Freshmen at top-rated colleges including Brown, Cornell and Yale outscored seniors in a history quiz. (USA Today 9/26)

Of course. They have more of it to remember.

________________________________________________


[] Pope meets with Muslim leaders, proclaims "a profound respect for Islam."(USA Today 9/26)

So much respect, he ordered that all parish Bingo games be played while facing Mecca.

________________________________________________


[] Kazakahstan's foreign minister Kasymzhomart Tokayev and president Nursultan Nazarbayev lunched with Bush at the White House. (USA Today 9/26)

The chef had to use Scrabble tiles for the place settings.

________________________________________________


[] Top Army generals agree that their forces are stretched painfully thin----tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan are being extended. (ABC News 5/25)

Can you say "draft"?

________________________________________________


[] Bill O'Rielly's book, "Culture Warrior," has gone on sale. (USA Today 9/26)

It's expected to quickly eclipse Ann Coulter's book as a "Freak-Of-The-Month-Club" selection.

________________________________________________


[] China charges US zoos $1 million per year to lease a panda. (LA Zoo 9/24)

Even decent-looking knockoffs go for $600,000.

________________________________________________


[] Bill O'Reilly claims he's on the Al Qaida hit list. (HBO 9/25)

An al Qaida spokesman issued a denial, telling reporters, "We're really after Jack Reilly who played Mr. Carlin on the Bob Newhart Show."

________________________________________________


[] The average woman shopper is a size 14. The average model is a size 4. (USA Today 9/26)

A spokesman for Bloomingdale's chalked up the extra ten sizes to "profit margin."

________________________________________________


[] Eighty-three military recruiters have been charged with sexually abusing potential recruits, some as young as 16. (Cable News Network 9/25)

The majority are members of the 104th Kobe Bryant Reconnaissance Regiment, Jerry Lee Lewis Honor Brigade.

________________________________________________