;

Flintstoned

[] Scientists report in this month's journal Nature that the Neanderthal era may have lasted longer than previously believed. (USA Today 9/14)

Evidence includes cave drawings, clothing fragments and George W. Bush.

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[] Bush remembers victims of Twin Towers in a nationwide speech----notes improvements in security since 9/11. (USA Today 9/12)

Osama offered to fly in to help pin up his "Mission Accomplished" banner.

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[] US officials now concede that there hasn't been "a credible lead" on the whereabouts of Bin Laden in over two years. (USA Today 9/12)

Looks like Mr. Arrogance was wrong----he can both run and hide.

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[] Israel is studying the conduct of its air force, navy and ground troops to learn from mistakes they made fighting the Hezbollah. (USA Today 9/14)

Maybe Bush and his gang of Keystone Cop military advisors should learn Yiddish.

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[] Christie Brinkley filed for divorce from husband Peter Cook who admitted an affair with a teenager. (USA Today 9/15)

Christie filed under New York's new Woody Allen law.

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[] Officials at Madrid's Fashion Week have banned models with a body mass of less than 18. (USA Today 9/15)

In laymen's terms, that's about one fifth of Kirstie Alley.

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[] Ford offers to buy out 75,000 employees----will give those accepting the plan a lump sum up to $140,000. (ABC News 9/14)

Or its equivalent, a Ford Explorer and six months free gas.

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[] Britney Spears gives birth to her second child. (USA Today 9/12)

It was a spontaneous birth----the infant just appeared on her lap while she was driving.

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[] Muslims demanded an apology after the Pope quoted Emperor Manuel II who called Muhammed's teachings "evil and inhuman." (USA Today 9/15)

Spokesmen for Allah and Buddha say their dieties will stay out of this.

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[] Three reporters with the Miami Herald were paid by the Bush administration to write articles critical of Fidel Castro. (USA Today 9/11)

Most damaging article: "Is Castro the Love Child of Desi Arnaz and Carmen Miranda?"

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[] Nancy Reagan objected to the use of her husband's image in an ad for Democrat Jim Webb's Senate campaign. (USA Today 9/11)

She only okays stamps, coins or mountains.

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[] The US meat industry is now allowed to spray live viruses on meat to prevent spoilage. (Los Angeles Times 9/11)

But Hormel, Armour Star and Oscar Meyer are offering free vaccinations.

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[] A highlight of New York's "Fashion Week" were designer Kimora Lee's belly-baring tops and killer heels worn by models wearing metal grills on their teeth. (USA Today 9/11)

Most popular: '58 Edsel.

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[] Target will soon begin offering fine wine in small, single-serving cartons. (USA Today 9/11)

With photos of missing sommeliers printed on the side.

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[] Baylor University study shows that Americans view God in one of four distinct forms: Authoritarian, Benevolent, Critical or Distant. (USA Today 9/12)

And south of the Mason-Dixon line, Good Ol' Boy.

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[] AOL will offer insurance coverage for identity theft. (USA Today 9/12)

Unfortunately, you have to go the New Delhi to collect.

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[] The producer of "Girls Gone Wild" was slapped with a $2.1 million fine for not providing the ages of coeds baring their breasts. (USA Today 9/12)

The first FCC prosecution under the new Janet Jackson "Wardrobe Malfunction Law."

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[] Casinos owned by Indian tribes generate $22 billion yearly, exceeding Nevada. (USA Today 9/14)

"White man speak with forked roulette wheel."

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[] Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are calling it quits. (ABC News 9/14)

On the grounds of irreconcilable drug dealers.

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[] The backup kicker at Northern Colorado College was charged with assault after he stabbed the first string kicker in the leg. (USA Today 9/14)

Rafael Mendoza will definitely be out of the lineup for the team's season opener against Nancy Kerrigan U.

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[] University of Texas cornerback Tarell Brown and linebacker Tyrell Gatewood were reinstated after drug charges against both were dismissed. (USA Today 9/12)

On a technicality. Seems the arresting officers couldn't agree on the proper spelling of "Tyrell."

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[] Boston University has banned "swearing, taunting, racist language and sexist chants" by fans who face ejection for violations. (USA Today 9/13)

Already banned were "disparaging, demeaning or libelous comments about a Kennedy."

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