TUESDAY, January 1, 2008

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

MON DEU!… On January 1, France begins enforcing a ban on smoking in restaurants, hotels, casinos, cafes and brasseries. The ban was instituted after doctors concluded that tobacco use accounted for 61,000 French deaths a year -- a health threat rivaled only by excessive viewing of Jerry Lewis movies.

PICTURE IMPERFECT… Thieves at the Sao Paulo Museum of Art staged a daring heist in which they made off with Picasso’s “Portrait of Susan Bloch” valued at $50 million. Several witnesses told police the robbers appeared to be women with both eyes on the same side of their face.

COUNTDOWN… At 81 years and 243 days, Queen Elizabeth II has become Britain’s oldest-ever monarch, eclipsing the record previously held by Queen Victoria. In April, she will become the longest reigning queen in history -- unless, of course, you count Elton John.
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“We need to counter the shockwave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates.”

George W. Bush 10/4/01 Washington, DC
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FAREWELL… 2007 saw these entrepreneurs depart the world stage:

1] Robert Adler, 93, inventor of the TV remote control. He died in February but wasn’t buried until April. No one could find him.

2] Dr. J. Robert Cade, 80, inventor of Gatorade. Following cremation, his ashes were placed in a six-pack of urns with a plastic carry handle.

3] Ken Hendricks, 66, founder of ABC Roofing & Siding which became an industry leader. He found an undertaker who’d bury him for free if he sold his neighbors on the concept.

4] William Becker, 85, founder of the Motel 6 chain. He was buried in a cut rate coffin with very little padding, no pillow and handles that came off in the pallbearers’ hands.

5] Warren Avis, 92, founder of Avis Rent-A-Car. He attributed his long life to doctors who tried harder.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour news radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's
Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: independence
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VICTORIA’S SECRET… Newly declassified documents have revealed a 1950 plan by J. Edgar Hoover to suspend the writ of habeas corpus and imprison 12,000 Americans whom he suspected of disloyalty “to protect the country against treason, espionage and sabotage.” Worse, Eddie also wanted to seize, without a court-approved warrant, the lace underwear of their wives.

SWITCHEROO… Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, formerly a member of the Church of England, has formally defected and has declared himself a Catholic. A move that historians have characterized as the British equivalent of Katie Couric switching from NBC to CBS.

CSI CAIRO… Egyptologists now contend that the Discovery Channel’s “Secrets of Egypt’s Lost Queen” may have relied on uncorroborated scientific evidence to declare their 3500 year old mummy to be that of Queen Hatshepsut. Seems they were using pre-DNA techniques pioneered in the 1970’s to authenticate Cher.
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
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WHAM!… Astrologers at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena have identified an asteroid traveling at 27,900 miles per hour that they’ve given a one in twenty-five chance of slamming into Mars. Which, they point out, would produce the most violent collision since Rosie O’Donnell landed on Donald Trump.

EARLY BIRDERS… The town of Greenburgh, NY is experimenting with a program that allows seniors to work off their property taxes at government agencies. Which explains that fire truck I spotted last week with its left turn signal permanently flashing.

ROYALTY… Egyptian government officials will attempt to copyright its pyramids, scarab beetles and other well known ancient artifacts. The law will be enforced by Egypt’s Supreme Council of Antiquities which so far, has issued only one performance license to Steve Martin to sing “King Tut, born in Babylonia… raised in Arizonia.”
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BRING ’EM ON… Rudy Giuliani has released a new TV ad in which he assures voters that “When you challenge Americans, there’s no country that stands up stronger and better when you come here and try to kill our people.” Hasn’t changed his poll numbers in the US, but he is up ten points in Karachi.

ON FURTHER REVIEW… The NCAA has launched a $1 million program in which a 15-member governing board will attempt to provide more consistency in officiating. Their goal is to improve on-field use of instant replay… increase training of new referees… and establish a slush fund to help referees defray their gambling losses.

BIBLE BILLBOARD… Country stars who have scrambled aboard the religious-themed bandwagon include Vince Gill with “Give Me Jesus”… Brad Paisley’s “The Old Rugged Cross” and Sara Evans’s “Just a Closer Walk With Thee.” Expected to be released in the Spring:

1] Dolly Parton’s “That Bible in the Nightstand Says No Lovin’ Here Tonight.”

2] “I Want More Sodom in My Gomorra” by Billy Ray Cyrus

3] Reba McIntire’s “Rhinestone Moses"

4] And Garth Brooks’ “God Bless My Hat”
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[] To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
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HILTON TILTIN’… Paris Hilton’s grandfather Barron Hilton, son of Conrad Hilton who founded the hotel chain, will donate 97% of his $2.3 billion estate to charity. Deeply effected by this expression of generosity, Paris has donated $2.3 million to the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department to build a drive-thru jail for incarcerated pop iconvicts.

PHOTO OP… The winner of the Miss France contest, Valerie Begue, was replaced by the first runner-up, Miss Caledonia, after nude photos of her were, in violation of pageant rules, published in Entrevue Magazine. On a positive note for Valerie though, she was awarded the coveted “Overall Career Enhancement Trophy,” established in honor of Vanessa Williams.

RECONSTRUCTING HARRY… Over a half million hits have been registered at the website of the British Royal Family which features a Christmas message from Queen Elizabeth. In January, the site will launch its first commercial -- Prince Harry endorsing Bombay Gin.
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[] Did you know you can send a free e-card to anyone in the world without leaving this site? Scroll down to the icon just below “Quotation of the Day.”
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DUCK & COVER… For the first time in the Rose Parade’s 119 year history, a float was entered representing the Peoples Republic of China. And an exciting one, to say the least. Spectators along Colorado Boulevard were stunned when it began lobbing ground-to-air missiles at the Taiwan float.

SHOW & TELL… Contest officials in Texas disqualified a six-year old from winning a free trip to New York City to attend a Hanna Montana concert after her mom admitted helping the youngster write an essay claiming her dad was a casualty in Iraq. All is not lost, however. The girl has been hired to play a fake disaster victim at FEMA press conferences.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK!… Longtime Saturday Night Live regular Jimmy Fallon married his producer girlfriend Nancy Juvonen on Necker Island in the Caribbean. But critics were quick to point out that the ceremony lacked the humor and sharp social commentary which marked prior marriages of cast members who predated the show‘s current decline into mediocrity.

DEAR AMERICANS… Osama bin Laden has released a new 30 minute audio tape in which he vows to “increase Holy War terror.” Which, according to reliable insiders, will include the Geneva-condemned practice of strapping interrogation victims to Ann Coulter.
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[] Wouldn’t it be great if you could send a copy of this blog to a friend? You can! Scroll down to the “Tell a Friend” icon just below the “Daily Horoscope.”
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Thursday 12/27/07

[] PROGRAM REMINDER: Tomorrow night, 12/28 at 9 pm. Pacific time, Bob will be interviewed on Armed Forces Radio during “The Friday Show” hosted by Frank Brezee and Weldon Hughes. Recalling his lengthy and infamous career writing for Bob Hope, he’ll leave no story or anecdote untold, no backstage whispered rumor unfounded. Tune in and find out why Richard Burton refused to kiss Raquel Welch in a sketch, what producer of Hope specials later became so famous himself, he’s regularly parodied on “Saturday Night Live.” Hear Hope interview Don Knotts as “Moose Terwilliger,” NFL referee, in a comedy bit that had to be re-shot three times because Hope kept breaking up. Hear Howard Cosell in a verbal sparring match with Hope and Johnny Carson in a rare cameo appearance in a “Camelot” takeoff. He plays “Sir Carsolot,” joining Hope as King Arthur and Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme as Lancelot and Guinevere. It’s a laugh and story-filled hour you simply don’t want to miss!

The show is live streamed on line at:
www.yesterdayusa.com

And don’t forget to tune in on New Year’s Day at 8-11 am, Pacific to hear Bob with co-hosts Anne Nicholson and Kelvin Reese narrate the Rose Parade live from Pasadena. Emanating from the Los Angeles Radio Reading Service for the Blind, the 3-hour program reaches 1.7 million listeners nationwide and streams line on line at:

www.larrs.org
Password: independence

Wednesday 12/19/07

[] HAPPY NEW YEAR! Once again on January 1, Bob will be co-hosting with Anne Nicholson and Kelvin Reese, a 3-hour live broadcast from the Pasadena Rose Parade for 1.2 million blind and sight-impaired listeners nationwide. You can catch all the excitement on line at 8 am to 11 am Pacific:

www.larrs.org
Password: independence
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SPRING THAW… A new series of campaign ads are intended to dispel the widespread perception that Hillary Clinton is “cold.” Aides decided to take action after her name kept surfacing at the global warming conference in Bali.

OXYMORON… Romney demanded that Huckabee apologize to Bush for accusing him of having an “arrogant bunker mentality” when it comes to Iraq. Actually, Bush should thank Mike. It’s not every day you hear “Bush” and “mentality” used in the same sentence.

CHEAT BEAT… Huckabee alluded to the Mormon belief that “Jesus and Satan were brothers.” Romney responded by calling Huckabee “another Bill Clinton.” And just when Giuliani thought he had the Republican adulterer vote all sewn up.

LOVIN’ IT… A McDonald’s near London’s Gatwick Airport imposes a $150 fine for using their parking lot longer than 45 minutes. That’s nothing. Drive-thru customers must place their order with Ronald within the required 60 seconds to disable tire-deflating spikes.
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[] CHINA ON DVD! Join Bob as he returns to the Peoples Republic after 30 years! See Beijing’s Forbidden City and Great Wall, Xian’s Terra Cotta Warriors, Three Gorges, Yue Yang Tower, the Wuhan Museum, Mt. Jiu Hua, Old Shanghai and much more! Thirty-three minutes of sights and sounds of China. Send cash, check or MO for $US15 ($12+$3 S&H) to: Bob Mills China DVD 11684 Ventura Blvd. Suite 843, Studio City, CA 91604. Allow 2-4 weeks for delivery.
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MILE WALK… Catholics in Sicily protested a holiday commercial showing the Three Wise Men bringing the baby Jesus gold, frankincense and a Red Bull Energy Drink. Worse, one of them appears to be riding Joe Camel.

SWEET POISON… Responding to stats indicating a sharp rise in childhood obesity, the Chicago School System has banned cupcakes from all student menus. And the ban is total. The kids aren’t even allowed to watch Elizabeth Hasselbeck on “The View.”

WINGED VICTORY… Air travel aficionados are gathering in Dayton, OH this week to celebrate the 104th anniversary of the Wright Brothers’ first flight. They’ll reconvene next week to mark the return of their luggage.

S.O.S. --- A 13-year old passenger aboard the Dawn Princess en route to Cabo San Lucas was airlifted by helicopter to the carrier USS Ronald Reagan for an emergency appendectomy after the ship‘s doctor ran short of anesthesia. Memo to Princess: Pack more anesthesia and less booze.

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"And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."

George W. Bush 1/29/07 Washington, DC
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ET TU, BABS?… Capping a long run engagement that earned $4 million while engrossing 3 million fans, Celine Dionne logged her final performance at Caesar’s Palace. In keeping with the Roman Emperor’s theme, Barbra Streisand came on stage and stabbed her.

FANTASIA… Fish and Game officials in Texas, California, Nevada, New York and Arkansas report a marked increase in automatic weapon assaults on wardens in the field. They attribute the violence to rural methamphetamine labs… marijuana cultivation in wooded areas… and an increase in gang activity among the wildlife.

RATATOUILLE… Naturalists conducting research with Conservation International have discovered a new species of rat, five times larger than normal rodents, in the Foja Mountains near Papua, New Guinea. Unlike urban sewer rats that just bite tourists, these use poison spear guns.

DECK THE HALLS… Two inmates slipped out of a Jersey City, NJ jail, leaving newspaper-stuffed dummies in their bunks, scaling a 30-foot wall, and crawling under 50 feet of razor wire, but not before leaving a note wishing the guards “Happy Holidays.“ Guards should have been alerted earlier when local volunteers staged their annual Christmas Pageant that featured Three Wise Men bearing gold, frankincense and a snub-nosed .38 carved out of soap.
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[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic presidential quotes, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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Monday 12/17/07

NOMENCLATURE… Merriam-Webster has approved some new words for the dictionary including “blankie,” a child’s security blanket… “shagadelic,” a very sexy girl… and “web mistress,” a female blogger. Removed to make room for the new arrivals were “pornicate,” to be videotaped having sex… “botoxication,” to suffer from excessive cosmetic surgery… and “viagraculture,” sexual aids for the elderly.

I’LL BE LOVING YOOOOOU… Responding to increasing complaints, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have agreed to use taser guns only to subdue suspects who are resisting arrest. No more tasering rowdy American tourists who point to their hats and shout “Smoky! Smoky!”

AND AWAY WE GO!… The Bush administration has decided to curb appeals to NATO to provide forces to fight Taliban insurgents. Enthused DefSec Gates: “We’re going to try to look at this more creatively than perhaps we have done in the past.” How about creating an exit strategy?

NEVER MIND… In a nationally televised speech, Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf has lifted the state of emergency he imposed and returned the country to constitutional rule. Reaction from the White House was muted, dashing hopes among world leaders that Bush would do the same.
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“We ought to make the pie higher.”

George W. Bush 2/15/00 Charleston, SC
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SLEDGE TIME… Former Stone Temple Pilots strumster Scott Weiland, charged with driving under the influence of drugs, faces a year in jail because of a prior DUI. Looks like Scott may get his chance break some rocks in a real stone temple.

JOYZEE… New Jersey has become the first state in 40 years to outlaw the death penalty. On the theory that just living in New Jersey --- so close and yet so far from New York --- is a fate at least equal to, if not worse than, death.

WIRED… In an effort to “enhance the coverage” of games for home viewers, the NBA is experimenting with a plan that would require coaches to wear live, clip-on microphones while on the sidelines. If this catches on, Kobe will be able to apologize to his wife right from the court.

COME ON DOWN!… A contestant on “The Price is Right” has sued the show, claiming the Pontiac GTO she successfully guessed cost $33,495 was not only not new, but had been in an accident and repaired. And then, to add insult to injury, it was driven on stage by a Barker Beauty who was formerly a hooker.

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[] Wouldn’t it be great if you could send a copy of this blog to a friend? You can! Scroll down to the “Tell a Friend” icon just below the “Daily Horoscope.”
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Friday 12/14/07

[] CHINA ON DVD! Join Bob as he returns to the Peoples Republic after 30 years! See Beijing’s Forbidden City and Great Wall, Xian’s Terra Cotta Warriors, Three Gorges, Yue Yang Tower, the Wuhan Museum, Mt. Jiu Hua, Old Shanghai and much more! Thirty-three minutes of sights and sounds of China. Send cash, check or MO for $US15 ($12+$3 S&H) to: Bob Mills China DVD 11684 Ventura Blvd. Suite 843, Studio City, CA 91604. Allow 2-4 weeks for delivery.

BALANCING ACT… Anthropologists at the University of Texas have discovered that pregnant women have specially adapted lower back and hip joints not present in males that keep the prospective moms from falling forward. The study also showed strategically positioned shoulder blades on females which allow them to carry heavy shopping bags, fully loaded, virtually indefinitely.

DOOBY DOOBY DOO… The US Postal Service has unveiled a First Class Frank Sinatra stamp that will be available in the Spring. It will come in sheets of 20, 50, 100 and two extra stamps --- one for your baby and one more for the road.

SQUEEZE MY GRAPEFRUIT… The contest to find a new state song for Florida to replace “Old Folks At Home” has narrowed to three finalists: “Where the Saw Grass Meets the Sky,” “Florida, My Home” and “My Florida Home.” Runners up include: “Where Old Folks Come to Die,” “Florida, My Nursing Home” and “What Time Is Lawrence Welk On?”
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“It’s about past seven in the evening here so we’re actually in different time lines.”

George W. Bush 1/1/01 Washington, DC
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NO PRESERVATIVES… The hit vegan cookbook “Kick Ass Recipes for Hungry Girls Who Want to Stop Cooking Crap and Start Looking Hot,” the sequel to “Skinny Bitch in the Kitch” by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin, uses no dairy, no meat, no fish, no poultry, no animal products, no additives, no sugar and no white flour. The bitches in the kitch explain how to prepare a dinner for ten out of three pot holders and a dishtowel.

ARE YOU READY?… The “NFL Experience” theme park in Glendale, AZ enables visitors to find out what it’s like being a professional player in the National Football League. The popular attractions include the “Spousal Abuse Tilt-A-Whirl”… the “Late Night Strip Club Shooting Gallery”… and “DUI Bumper Cars.”

MISSED CONGENIALITY… Creatively crippled by the writers strike, the CW has paraded out “Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants” in which eleven pairs of moms and their daughters vie for a $100,000 grand prize to be awarded after eight weeks of strenuous competition. Shot on a cheesy set with lousy lighting and dependent on eleven charmless, talentless airheads who make Dana Perino sound like Madame Curie, the pilot episode concludes with the audience rising en mass and begging the contestants to experiment with anorexia.
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[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planning to visit) are invited to join Goldstar
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Wednesday 12/12/07

LIGHTNING ROUND… Longtime “Jeopardy” ringmaster Alex Trebek is reportedly okay after suffering what doctors are calling “a minor heart attack.” The operator who answered his 911 call was initially confused when Alex kept putting his call for help in the form of a question.

PANDEMIC… That pregnant Toledo, OH attorney who was reported missing, showed up, and claimed she’d been kidnapped, has recanted her story. I know what you’re thinking. Lawyers are allowed to procreate?

LUCKY LUCY… Las Vegas has allocated $15 million to create a Mob Museum to honor members of the Mafia who founded the desert oasis. Expected to be a real crowd pleaser is the “Offers That Couldn’t be Refused” wing which will feature wall-mounted severed horses’ heads.
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[] Did you know you can send a free e-card to anyone in the world without leaving this site? Scroll down to the icon just below “Quotation of the Day.”
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BOBBIN’ ALONG… Divers with the Hawaii Undersea Research Laboratory have discovered an unknown reef that is the home of what they believe may be a new species of deep sea sponge. They were stunned when they noticed that it appears to be wearing square pants.

NEW FISH… At his sentencing this week, canine impresario Michael Vick was given 23 months in prison and a $5000 fine. Forget the jail time --- that fine is guaranteed to give him nightmares in his Greystone Hotel bunk.

BALLROOM… Former Kansas City horsehide hurler Mark Lytell has invented what he claims is a safer, more comfortable athletic cup that sells for $19.95 and is named the “Nutty Buddy.” A top-of-the-line model in solid platinum is available at Tiffany’s in their Family Jewels section.
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"There are some similarities, of course, between Iraq and Vietnam. Death is terrible."

George W. Bush 4/19/07 Tipp City, OH
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SAY IT FAST… Denzel Washington and Forrest Whitaker co-star in MGM’s “The Great Debaters” which opened this week. It was scheduled to debut last month, but new prints had to be developed when someone noticed the original title was “The Master Debaters.”

EARLY BIRD… It’s been almost 20 years since Harrison Ford played Indiana Jones on the big screen, but he’s back tracking Russian agent Kate Blanchett in the jungles of Peru as they search for “The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” Harrison, now 65, still does some of his own stunts, but keep a sharp eye out for these easy-to-miss age-appropriate production details:

1] Bull whip has an orthopedic grip
2] Leisure World logo on hat
3] Land Rover’s left turn signal flashes continually
4] Crystal skull located with GPS device in pacemaker
5] Skull found buried in abandoned Viagra mine

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[] To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
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Monday 12/10/07

DON’T KNOW NOTHIN’… The Justice Department and the CIA have launched a joint investigation of the alleged destruction of hundreds of hours of video tapes showing al-Qaeda terrorists undergoing what the CIA euphemistically refers to as “enhanced interrogation.” Bush disclaims knowledge of the deletions, but is characteristically vague about when he was told about them. Teddy Kennedy calls the disappearing tapes “worse than Nixon’s missing 18 ½ minutes.” Whew, that was a bad week for professional torturers. Bush and his henchmen under the microscope and Jack Bauer sent to jail.

STRIPED CRUSADER… Keifer Sutherland who plays Jack Bauer on “24” began serving a jail sentence of 48 days imposed by an LA judge for a probation violation. Kind of makes you wonder which two episodes the judge didn’t like.
NET BLUE… Discount airline Jet Blue will be the first carrier to offer free internet access on all flights. Flight attendants have already begun warning passengers on landing to “Place your seats, trays and laptops in a secure upright position.”

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[] HAPPY NEW YEAR: Again this January 1, Bob will co-host an audio description of the Rose Parade for the Los Angeles Radio Reading Service for the Blind. Heard by 1.7 million listeners nationwide via NPR satellite, the broadcast will be streamed live from Pasadena on line at 8am to 11am Pacific Time on www.larrs.org. Password: independence.
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DRAFT PICKS… Only $57,000 from Mike Ditka’s “Hall of Fame Assistance Trust Fund,” which has raised $1.3 million for needy former NFL players, has been distributed. Ditka blames their “fear of filling out forms.“ Thanks to being allowed to skip all those English classes in college.

SHOP ‘TIL YOU DROP… Homeland Security officials have vowed to make shopping malls less attractive to terrorists. Some safety improvements to look for:

1] Blackwater-trained department store Santas
2] Plainclothes federal marshals on all escalators
3] Surveillance cameras concealed in Mrs. Field’s cookies
4] Pepper spray in selected perfume counter atomizers
5] Evacuation instructions sung by Barry Manilow on Muzak system
6] See-thru shopping bags
7] Complimentary flack jackets with mall’s logo
8] Larry Craig type warning signs in fitting rooms
9] Cinabun hand grenades
10] Designer hostage wear
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585

________________________________________________

CENSORSHIP… The Vatican’s L’Osservatore Romano reports the discovery of a 1563 red chalk sketch by Michelangelo instructing stonecutters to make corrections to his design at St. Peter’s Basilica. Seems he was told to remove his bas relief depiction of Pope Lascivious XI’s mistress.

SKIN GAME…. Suspended NFL player Adam “Pacman” Jones pleaded no contest to reduced charges of disorderly conduct for agreeing to testify in a strip club shooting that left a man paralyzed. A separate charge of impersonating a rapper was dismissed.

SPINNER… Roger M. King, co-founder of King World Productions which brought “Wheel of Fortune” to the TV screen has passed away. Cause of death will be delayed until his doctors buy three more vowels.
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[] CHINA ON DVD! Join Bob as he returns to the Peoples Republic after 30 years! See Beijing’s Forbidden City and Great Wall, Xian’s Terra Cotta Warriors, Three Gorges, Yue Yang Tower, the Wuhan Museum, Mt. Jiu Hua, Old Shanghai and much more! Thirty-three minutes of sights and sounds of China. Send cash, check or MO for $US15 ($12+$3 S&H) to: Bob Mills China DVD 11684 Ventura Blvd. Suite 843, Studio City, CA 91604. Allow 2-4 weeks for delivery.
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GRAND OL’ OPRAH… Despite claiming she felt “out of her pew,” Oprah Winfrey hit the presidential campaign trail for the first time, stumping with Barack Obama in Des Moines and Cedar Rapids, Iowa. She’s also helping Barack behind the scenes, too. So far, she’s given him three new cars, adopted two of his kids and promised to endorse his next book.

FAMILY TIES… Hillary Clinton responded to the Oprah invasion by appearing with her mother, Dorothy Rodham and daughter, Chelsea. Aides say she even considered dragging out Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky.

YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE… The State Department released a list of gifts received by Bush administration officials from foreign leaders. It includes an $11,000 Cartier Santos Dumont watch given to Bush by the prime minister of Thailand. Mickey’s eyes are genuine emeralds and he points to the numbers with white diamond gloves.
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“If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I’m the dictator.”

George W. Bush 12/18/00 Washington, DC
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TRUSTED ASSOCIATES… At the UN Climate Conference in Bali, Bush administration officials have refused mandatory caps on greenhouse gasses, insisting that private industry should be allowed to impose their own caps. You know, like allowing R. J. Reynolds, Philip Morris and P. Lorrilard to decide how many people to kill each year.

FINAL CURTAIN… Riverview Monuments in Wausau, WIS offers $2000 digital headstones that show a continuous DVD of scenes of the departed loved one’s life. Which explains the Writers Guild picket line around Riverview Cemetery.

ROLL ‘EM!… Hollywood movie studios are shooting more and more films in less costly Eastern European locations like Lithuania (“War and Peace,” “Cold Mountain”). Romania and Bulgaria are often scouted for locations but usually rejected due to lack of technical facilities and skilled crews. Which accounts for the limited success of the recent documentary “The History of the Goiter,” and the comedy/musical “There’s a Girl in My Borscht.”

Friday 12/07/07

QUO VADIS?… Seeking to answer nervous Republican evangelicals suspicious of his devout Mormonism, Mitt Romney delivered a speech in Texas assuring voters that religion will not dictate his actions as president. Some skeptics questioned the governor’s sincerity, however, pointing out that he addressed the crowd from a burning bush.

HOLY NEVERLAND… With an $84 million priest pedophile settlement hanging around its ecclesiastical neck, the Roman Catholic archdiocese of Boston has deeded the three-story mansion formerly occupied by disgraced Cardinal Bernard Law to Boston College. Which plans to convert it into a “Museum of Shame and Penance,” in which tourists will be able to visit His Excellency’s “War Room” complete with maps showing the secret locations of priests he “re-assigned” to avoid prosecution.
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I SOLEMNLY SWEAR…An online survey conducted by Harris Interactive showed that 40% of the 13 to 18 year old students questioned said they believe its okay to lie, cheat and plagiarize in order to succeed in school. However, the results were invalidated when further questioning revealed that 37% of them had lied about their age… 23% had cheated on their qualifying questionnaire… and 48% had copied answers from the student sitting next to them.

SFO HMO… Airports in Atlanta, Chicago, Denver, Newark and San Francisco now offer flu shots to arriving and departing passengers. And those whose security x-rays show a sprain or inflammation may qualify for a Cortisone shot.
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“We need to apply twenty-first century information technology to the health care field. We need to have our health care records put on the I.T.”

George W. Bush 1/5/05 Collinsville, ILL
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TEMPTATION… University of Oslo paleontologists working in the Svalbard Islands in the Arctic found the 150 million year old remains of a “monster reptile” estimated to have been 30 feet long. The half-eaten apple and two fig leaves found nearby have been turned over to the school’s theology department for further study.

TOE TAPPING… Archeologists in the ancient city of Herculaneum near Pompeii have found in the ruins of the Villa dei Papari, the home of Julius Caesar’s father-in-law, what they believe is the first known example of a Roman throne. Above the stall in which it’s located is carved the Latin inscription: “Ad Hoc Siteo Locationum Creigiatus Laurencio.” Which in English is: “Larry Craig Sat Here.”
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Wednesday 11/05/07

NO TABERNACLE CHOIR… Taking his cue from John F. Kennedy’s 1960 speech in which he assured voters that his lifelong Catholicism would not effect his actions as president, Mitt Romney is preparing to assure nervous Republican evangelicals that he won’t let his Mormonism color his Oval Office decisions. Regardless, say his aides, if Huckabee keeps gaining on him in the polls, he may become a Latter Day Southern Baptist.

STRIPPED EPAULETS… To appease critics of his dual role, Pakistan’s President Musharraf stepped down as Army chief and turned in his military uniform during a formal ceremony in Islamabad. In an uncharacteristic show of support for the move, Bush donated that phony pilot’s uniform he wore during his “Mission Accomplished” speech to the Salvation Army.

CHAMPS… A survey of 400,000 15-year olds in 57 countries administered by the Program for International Assessment of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development found that youths in South Korea lead the world in reading skills while those in Taiwan excel in mathematics and Finland leads in science. US students were not entirely shut out, however, placing first in video gaming, cell phone text messaging, recreational binge drinking and hanging out.

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“We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading in order to make sure there’s not this kind of federal -- federal cufflink.”

George W. Bush 3/30/00 Milwaukee, WIS
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FIRST SEATING… In Southampton, England, Prince Charles is scheduled to Christen the new HMS Victoria, sister ship to the QM2 and the QE 2. Whilst he’s doing that, wife Camilla Parker Bowles will be on deck seven Christening the ship’s 300-foot midnight buffet table.

FORGIVE THEM FATHER… Nearing eighty and preparing to retire, televangelist Pat Robertson has turned over CEO duties at the Christian Broadcasting Network and its flagship “700 Club” to his son, Gordon. Who has already made some changes at the Club, adding a bar, a steam room and a racquet ball court.

LOW SODIUM… A new report from the National Transportation Safety Administration shows that on average, 41% of motor vehicle fatalities last year were alcohol-related with Hawaii clocking in highest at 52% and Utah lowest at 24%. But Utah more than makes up for its low alcohol-related deaths with drivers who die after turning into pillars of salt.
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[] VISIT CHINA BY DVD! Experience the grandeur of the Peoples Republic, photographed during Bob’s return visit in June (He was last there in 1979 with Bob Hope). Included are breathtaking scenes of Tienanmen Square, the Forbidden City, the Summer Palace (Empress Dowager’s Marble Boat), the Great Wall and Sacred Way, Beijing’s hutongs, the silk carpet factory at Dongting , the Terra Cotta Warriors in Xian, the Jade Cave in Fengdu, the Yangtze’s Qutang and Wu Gorges, Three Gorges, Viking River Cruises School in Jingzhou, Yue Tang Tower at Dongting Lake, the Ceramic History Museum in Jingdezhen, the Buddhist Temple at Mt. Jiu Hua, Old City Wall at Nanjing, Suzhou’s Gardens, ancient artifacts in the Shanghai Museum, and scenes of Old Shanghai City -- 268 colorful digital photos of China and her people, expertly edited and set to a unique musical score.

For your copy, send cash, check or money order for $15 - ($12 + $3 P&H) to: Bob Mills: China DVD" 11684 Ventura Blvd., Suite 843, Studio City, CA 91604. (Allow 3-4 weeks for delivery)
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Monday 12/3/07

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