Trombone Lady

[] Barbara Walters turned 76 this week. (CBS News 9/26)

In her honor, Bush signed a proclamation allowing her to torture Star Jones.

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[] "60 Minutes" launched its 39th season on CBS. (USA Today 9/26)

The cast celebrated with on-air colonoscopies.

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[] Fox will produce faith-themed films. (Time Magazine 10/3)

In "Jackass III," Jesus will be riding it.

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[] Accused polygamist Warren Jeffs says he willing to stay in jail for several weeks until the state of Utah decides whether to prosecute him for bigamy. (USA Today 9/29)

It's the most peace and quiet he's had in 20 years.

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[] Twenty-two sketches and watercolors believed to be the work of Adolf Hitler fetched $220,000 at auction. (Associated Press 9/27)

The most recognizable of which is his "Nude Descending Herman Goering."

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[] Using laser scanning, art experts have discovered a cloth shawl on Mona Lisa that was commonly worn by pregnant women at the time. (Associated Press 9/27)

They even spotted the faint outline of a "Babies-R-Us" label in Italian.

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[] Paris Hilton has been formally charged with DUI. (Associated Press 9/27)

A charge of gifting In-N-Out Burger with gratutious media exposure was dropped by Carl's, Jr.

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[] The Game Show Network is hosting a "National Vocabulary Championship" with a $40,000 prize going to the winner. (USA Today 9/27)

Plus a trophy to be known as the "George W. Bush Cup."

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[] Record rain and severe heat waves have resulted in a shortage of pumpkins for Halloween. (Time Magazine 10/3)

Kids are being given classes in how to carve a face in an eggplant.

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Admit it----you'd just love to get the lowdown on that creep who keeps showing up at the Alanon meetings... or the lovable pervert who lives over on Elm? Relax. Help is but a click away ]----------------------->
_______________________________________________


[] Boeing has landed a $67 million contract to install a "virtual" wall along the US-Mexican border. (Time Magazine 10/2)

Using lost luggage donated by their airline customers.

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[] The "Shape-Up" weight-loss system endorsed by Dr. Phil paid $10.5 million after being exposed as a fraud. (USA Today 9/26)

In the good doctor's defense, the pills did grow hair.

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[] Freshmen at top-rated colleges including Brown, Cornell and Yale outscored seniors in a history quiz. (USA Today 9/26)

Of course. They have more of it to remember.

________________________________________________


[] Pope meets with Muslim leaders, proclaims "a profound respect for Islam."(USA Today 9/26)

So much respect, he ordered that all parish Bingo games be played while facing Mecca.

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[] Kazakahstan's foreign minister Kasymzhomart Tokayev and president Nursultan Nazarbayev lunched with Bush at the White House. (USA Today 9/26)

The chef had to use Scrabble tiles for the place settings.

________________________________________________


[] Top Army generals agree that their forces are stretched painfully thin----tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan are being extended. (ABC News 5/25)

Can you say "draft"?

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[] Bill O'Rielly's book, "Culture Warrior," has gone on sale. (USA Today 9/26)

It's expected to quickly eclipse Ann Coulter's book as a "Freak-Of-The-Month-Club" selection.

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[] China charges US zoos $1 million per year to lease a panda. (LA Zoo 9/24)

Even decent-looking knockoffs go for $600,000.

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[] Bill O'Reilly claims he's on the Al Qaida hit list. (HBO 9/25)

An al Qaida spokesman issued a denial, telling reporters, "We're really after Jack Reilly who played Mr. Carlin on the Bob Newhart Show."

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[] The average woman shopper is a size 14. The average model is a size 4. (USA Today 9/26)

A spokesman for Bloomingdale's chalked up the extra ten sizes to "profit margin."

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[] Eighty-three military recruiters have been charged with sexually abusing potential recruits, some as young as 16. (Cable News Network 9/25)

The majority are members of the 104th Kobe Bryant Reconnaissance Regiment, Jerry Lee Lewis Honor Brigade.

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Irish Eyes Are Smiling

[] The US Ryder Cup team is trounced for the third consecutive time by the Europeans. Tiger Woods' Ryder record now stands at 10-13-2. (Associated Press 9/24)

Woods won't play well in it until it's renamed the "Ryder Truck Rental Open" and offers a two million dollar purse.

________________________________________________


[] While the US was losing the Ryder Cup, American tennis players were being eliminated from the Davis Cup by Russia. (USA Today 9/25)

On a more positive note, US athletes still lead the world in spousal abuse.

________________________________________________


[] Tampa Bay Bucaneers Chris Simms had to have his spleen removed after being injured in the team's loss to the Carolina Panthers on Sunday. (USA Today 9/25)

Maybe the NFL is getting too rough. Now the "sack" comes with bodily organs in it.

________________________________________________


[] Pope Benedict XVI invites envoys from Muslim nations to meet with him----Turkey and Iran quickly accept. (Associated Press 9/23)

This time, he'll try to convince them that he was really talking about Muhammad Ali.

________________________________________________


[] The National Association of Evangelicals has launched "Muslim Prayer Forums" in which Christians will ask God to help Muslims accept Jesus. (Associated Press 9/23)

Allah isn't used to granting favors to Christians, but, hey----this just might work.

________________________________________________


[] Jerry Falwell says he hopes Democrats nominate Hillary Clinton because she'd mobilize his backers "even more than Satan would." (Los Angeles Times 9/24)

Does Jere really believe she could recreate that distinctive Bush/Beelzebub "sulphur odor"?

________________________________________________


[] Bush blinks----accepts McCain's "Spirit of the Geneva Convention" terrorist interrogation guidelines. (New York Times 9/21)

Among the new do's and don'ts:

Acceptable: Attaching moistened genitals to a fully-charged Sears Die-Hard

Unacceptable: Forcing prisoners to watch Bush try to pronounce"nuclear"

Acceptable: Waterboarding to extract location of top-ranking Al Qaida members

Unacceptable: Waterboarding to extract location of Bush twins

________________________________________________


[] Army now explains living wills to troops because so many of them return from Iraq in a coma. (USA Today 9/25)

Like the one their commander-in-chief must have been in when he planned this thing.

________________________________________________


[] Rumsfeld is about to become the longest-serving Defense Secretary in US history. (USA Today 9/25)

World history if you don't count Martin Goebbels.

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[] A website manned by volunteer Catholic priests answers questions from the faithful via e-mail. (Los Angeles Times 9/24)

A special feature designed after "Ask Jeeves" invites inquisitive teens to "Ask Father Digits."

________________________________________________


[] Archeologists in Ethiopia have discovered the fossilized remains of a child believed to be three million years old. (Los Angeles Times 9/24)

Artifacts dug up nearby included trinkets, beads and a Flintstones lunch box.

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[] A French newspaper printed a report that Osama bin Laden died of typhoid fever in September. (Los Angeles Times 9/24)

While waiting for his Afghanistan war veteran's medical benefits.

________________________________________________


[] Lawyers for Oprah Winfrey have threatened to sue a Kansas City man who is promoting Oprah for president on the internet. (Kansas City Star 9/23)

Patrick Crowe says he'll redirect his efforts toward electing Oprah's running mate----Ellen DeGeneres.

________________________________________________


[] Paring his show's budget, "Saturday Night Live" producer Lorne Michaels has let five cast members go. (USA Today 9/22)

With typical SNL bravado, several were spotted outside NBC smoking something rolled up in their pink slips.

________________________________________________


[] Playskool has recalled 255,000 toy tool sets. (USA Today 9/22)

Seems that some of the more mechanically sophisticated tots were able to improvise explosive devices by watchng Iraq war news footage.

________________________________________________


[] Wal Mart and Target have squared off in a prescription drug war, offering some generics as low as $4. (ABC News 9/22)

The war began at dawn on Friday when two pharmacists faced each other with matching pestles.

________________________________________________


[] N.A.S.A. officials blamed weightlessness in space after Atlantis astronaut Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper fainted twice at a welcome home ceremony in Houston. (Associated Press 9/23)

Likely story. They probably showed her the bill.

________________________________________________


[] Ban on taking liquids aboard airliners is lifted. (Associated Press 9/25)

With the possible exception of nitroglycerine.

________________________________________________


[] A Columbus, Ohio auto dealer offers "Fatwa Fridays" where kids are given free swords. (USA Today 9/25)

Moms get a free burka with the logo of their son's soccer team printed on it.

________________________________________________

Poparazzi

[] Al Qaida vows jihad against the Vatican----Muslim leaders demand an apology----Pope Benedict XVI says he regrets the reaction to his comments in the Muslim world. (ABC News 9/18)

Vatican lawyers are working around the clock to find a loophole in that infallibility thing he's so proud of.

_______________________________________________


[] Vatican dispatches papal nuncios to Muslim countries to perform damage control. (USA Today 9/19)

"Nuncio" is a Latin word meaning "Holy Catholic and Apostolic Spinmeister."

_______________________________________________


[] Benedict's plans to visit Turkey in November will go forward----with increased security. (USA Today 9/21)

I'll say. His Swiss Guards have been issued lead-lined tutus.

_______________________________________________


[] An amateur ornithologist in India has discovered the first new bird species found there in over 50 years----the "Bungun Liocichia," a breed of babbler. (Time Magazine 9/25)

It's already been designated the official bird of "The View."

_______________________________________________


[] According to the Public Library of Science Medicine, the average life expectancy in Minnesota is 78.8 years while Californians live to 78.2. (USA Today 9/19)

Easily explainable. Minnesotan corpses need that extra six months just to thaw out.

_______________________________________________


[] Police in Breaux Bridge, LA charged Willie Nelson with possession of marijuana and hallucinatory mushrooms. (USA Today 9/19)

Seems Willie decided to take matters into his own hands after Papa John refused to make him a controlled substance pizza.

_______________________________________________


[] A former press officer with Homeland Security pleads guilty of attempting to date a 14-year old girl online. (USA Today 9/20)

It's not nice to fool Neil Clark Warren.

_______________________________________________


[] In his new book "State of Emergency," Pat Buchanan points out that immigrants from Mexico outnumber all English, Irish and Jewish immigrants arriving over the past 400 years. (USA Today 9/19)

Which would have been different if Jews were willing to pick lettuce.

_______________________________________________


Admit it----you'd just love to get the lowdown on that creep who keeps showing up at the Al Anon meetings... or the lovable pervert who lives over on Elm. Relax. Help is but a click away ]----------------------------------------------->

_______________________________________________


[] Turkish novelist and University of Arizona professor of Middle Eastern studies Elif Shafar is being tried in Istanbul for "insulting Turkishness" in a recent book. (USA Today 9/20)

Not quite as insulting as the pope's insult of "Muslimness," but insulting.

_______________________________________________


[] Scientists have discovered what they believe is the first "walking shark" on the ocean floor off the coast of Indonesia. (ABC News 9/18)

Big deal. Lawyers have always known how to walk.

_______________________________________________


[] USC officials have complained to ABC/ESPN about comments by Brent Musburger that revealed secret hand signals Trojan quarterback John Booty was using in USC's win against Nebraska. (USA Today 9/20)

Actually, Brent got them from Scooter Libby who got them from Robert Novak.

_______________________________________________


[] Thirty baseballs autographed by Pete Rose along with the inscription "I'm sorry I bet on baseball" are upfor auction on eBay. (USA Today 9/19)

Also available in a gift set with an autographed football from O.J. saying "Sorry I killed Ron and Nicole."

_______________________________________________


[] Five Duquesne basketball players were shot outside a school dance by an unidentified gunman. (USA Today 9/19)

Yet another example of the alarming rise in campus binge-sniping.

_______________________________________________


[] The National Park Service is considering a plan to poison prairie dogs that invade grazing land in National Parks leased to cattle ranchers. (USA Today 9/20)

The ones not already destroyed by motorcycles and all terrain vehicles.

_______________________________________________


[] The White House office of National Drug Control Policy will run anti-drug videos on YouTube. (USA Today 9/20)

Narrated by Rush Limbaugh.

_______________________________________________


[] Sponsors now pay to "integrate" product references in TV story lines. (USA Today 9/20)

Even crime dramas are not immune to the insidious hype----like this season's "CSI: Proctor & Gamble."

_______________________________________________


[] Ecology-conscious communities are installing sidewalks made from discarded auto tires that are less damaging to trees and roots. (USA Today 9/20)

The sidewalks along Rodeo Drive are made exclusively from old Michelin steel-belted radials.

_______________________________________________


[] NASA scientists theorize that the objects seen following the space shuttle Atlantis could be a small pieces that fell off the craft. (USA Today 9/20)

New rule at NASA: No more valet parking.

_______________________________________________


POLL QUESTION: Will Bush invade Iran within a year?
To vote, write to: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com and write "Yes" or "No" in the Subject Box. Results will be announced in a future post.

_______________________________________________

Ecclesiasticatastrophe

[] Turkey and Pakistan condemn Pope Benedict XVI, likening him to Hitler and Mussolini for calling Islam's founder "evil and inhuman." Said Turkey's Deputy Prime Minister, "He has a dark mentality that comes from the darkness of the Middle Ages... the result of pitiful ignorance." (Associated Press 9/16)

Also the result of hiring Ann Coulter as a speechwriter.

_______________________________________________

[] A Senate panel led by Senators John McCain, John Warner and Lindsey Graham rejected Bush's interpretation of the Geneva Convention rules. (New York Times 9/15)

Bush reportedly told an aide, "I didn't even know about the convention and, even if I did, I wouldn't have attended it anyway."

_______________________________________________

[] Victims of spinach-borne e.coli bacteria reaches 109----more brands recalled. (USA Today 9/18)

Under his interpretation of the Geneva Convention, Bush ordered the CDC to put the thumbscrews to the Jolly Green Giant until he comes clean.

_______________________________________________

[] A judge in Miami sentenced an 87-year old woman to 31 years in prison for murder. (Associated Press 9/16)

"I'll die before I can serve 31 years," said Maria Otero. "Do the best you can," said the judge.

_______________________________________________

[] L. W. McNutt, Jr., who as president of the Colin Street Bakery built the company into the world's largest mail-order fruit cake distributor, passed away at age 81. (Los Angeles Times 9/16)

He won't be buried or cremated----he'll be stored in the freezer.

_______________________________________________

[] Allegations of fraud leveled by the N.C.A.A. could cost Heisman winner Reggie Bush his trophy. (Los Angeles Times 9/16)

Worse, he could be forced to give it to O.J.

_______________________________________________

[] The British government has imparted "protected heritage" status on a Liverpool basement where the Beatles first performed together. (Associated Press 9/16)

Still awaiting approval is the Soho pub where Yoko Ono coldcocked Paul McCartney.

_______________________________________________

[] Officials in Iraq plan to dig a 60-mile-long trench around Baghdad to keep out insurgents. (New York Times 9/16)

Once they get the water in it, Australia has promised them an unlimited supply of crocodiles.

_______________________________________________

[] John Gotti, Jr. has written a childrens book in prison. (CBS News 9/15)

Entitled "The Grinch Who Whacked Lucky Luciano."

_______________________________________________

[] Ford has discontinued production of the Lincoln Town Car. (CBS News 9/15)

After saving a black one to take executives to the company's funeral.

_______________________________________________

[] A 3,000-year old slab found in Veracruz, Mexico is the oldest script ever discovered in the Western Hemisphere. (New York Times 9/15)

If you don't count the pilot script for "Murder She Wrote."

_______________________________________________

[] With support from the N.R.A., the state of Wyoming is seeking federal approval of its policy allowing husbands convicted of beating their wives to own a gun. (Associated Press 9/16)

Hey, it's not like these guys held up a bank or something.

_______________________________________________

[] NASA's QuickScat satellite shows that the Arctic's perennial sea ice has lost an area the size of Texas. (Associated Press 9/16)

Would that it had actually been Texas.

_______________________________________________

[] For the first time, scientists have deciphered the genetic code of a tree. (Associated Press 9/16)

They began by studying the personality of Sen. Bill Frist and worked back.

_______________________________________________

[] Michele Wei finished last in the 84 Lumber Classic, the sixth consecutive PGA event in which she's missed the cut. (Los Angeles Times 9/16)

Nike and Sony won't ask for their $10 million back, but they'd appreciate it if she'd remove their logos from her stuff.

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[] Andrew Lloyd Webber will stage a production of "The Sound of Music" in London. (Associated Press 9/18)

That low rumble you hear is the sound of Rogers and Hammerstein in full spin mode.

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Flintstoned

[] Scientists report in this month's journal Nature that the Neanderthal era may have lasted longer than previously believed. (USA Today 9/14)

Evidence includes cave drawings, clothing fragments and George W. Bush.

_______________________________________________

[] Bush remembers victims of Twin Towers in a nationwide speech----notes improvements in security since 9/11. (USA Today 9/12)

Osama offered to fly in to help pin up his "Mission Accomplished" banner.

_______________________________________________

[] US officials now concede that there hasn't been "a credible lead" on the whereabouts of Bin Laden in over two years. (USA Today 9/12)

Looks like Mr. Arrogance was wrong----he can both run and hide.

_______________________________________________

[] Israel is studying the conduct of its air force, navy and ground troops to learn from mistakes they made fighting the Hezbollah. (USA Today 9/14)

Maybe Bush and his gang of Keystone Cop military advisors should learn Yiddish.

_______________________________________________

[] Christie Brinkley filed for divorce from husband Peter Cook who admitted an affair with a teenager. (USA Today 9/15)

Christie filed under New York's new Woody Allen law.

_______________________________________________

[] Officials at Madrid's Fashion Week have banned models with a body mass of less than 18. (USA Today 9/15)

In laymen's terms, that's about one fifth of Kirstie Alley.

_______________________________________________

[] Ford offers to buy out 75,000 employees----will give those accepting the plan a lump sum up to $140,000. (ABC News 9/14)

Or its equivalent, a Ford Explorer and six months free gas.

_______________________________________________

[] Britney Spears gives birth to her second child. (USA Today 9/12)

It was a spontaneous birth----the infant just appeared on her lap while she was driving.

_______________________________________________

[] Muslims demanded an apology after the Pope quoted Emperor Manuel II who called Muhammed's teachings "evil and inhuman." (USA Today 9/15)

Spokesmen for Allah and Buddha say their dieties will stay out of this.

_______________________________________________

[] Three reporters with the Miami Herald were paid by the Bush administration to write articles critical of Fidel Castro. (USA Today 9/11)

Most damaging article: "Is Castro the Love Child of Desi Arnaz and Carmen Miranda?"

_______________________________________________

[] Nancy Reagan objected to the use of her husband's image in an ad for Democrat Jim Webb's Senate campaign. (USA Today 9/11)

She only okays stamps, coins or mountains.

_______________________________________________

[] The US meat industry is now allowed to spray live viruses on meat to prevent spoilage. (Los Angeles Times 9/11)

But Hormel, Armour Star and Oscar Meyer are offering free vaccinations.

_______________________________________________

[] A highlight of New York's "Fashion Week" were designer Kimora Lee's belly-baring tops and killer heels worn by models wearing metal grills on their teeth. (USA Today 9/11)

Most popular: '58 Edsel.

_______________________________________________

[] Target will soon begin offering fine wine in small, single-serving cartons. (USA Today 9/11)

With photos of missing sommeliers printed on the side.

_______________________________________________

[] Baylor University study shows that Americans view God in one of four distinct forms: Authoritarian, Benevolent, Critical or Distant. (USA Today 9/12)

And south of the Mason-Dixon line, Good Ol' Boy.

_______________________________________________

[] AOL will offer insurance coverage for identity theft. (USA Today 9/12)

Unfortunately, you have to go the New Delhi to collect.

_______________________________________________

[] The producer of "Girls Gone Wild" was slapped with a $2.1 million fine for not providing the ages of coeds baring their breasts. (USA Today 9/12)

The first FCC prosecution under the new Janet Jackson "Wardrobe Malfunction Law."

_______________________________________________

[] Casinos owned by Indian tribes generate $22 billion yearly, exceeding Nevada. (USA Today 9/14)

"White man speak with forked roulette wheel."

_______________________________________________

[] Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are calling it quits. (ABC News 9/14)

On the grounds of irreconcilable drug dealers.

_______________________________________________

[] The backup kicker at Northern Colorado College was charged with assault after he stabbed the first string kicker in the leg. (USA Today 9/14)

Rafael Mendoza will definitely be out of the lineup for the team's season opener against Nancy Kerrigan U.

_______________________________________________

[] University of Texas cornerback Tarell Brown and linebacker Tyrell Gatewood were reinstated after drug charges against both were dismissed. (USA Today 9/12)

On a technicality. Seems the arresting officers couldn't agree on the proper spelling of "Tyrell."

_______________________________________________

[] Boston University has banned "swearing, taunting, racist language and sexist chants" by fans who face ejection for violations. (USA Today 9/13)

Already banned were "disparaging, demeaning or libelous comments about a Kennedy."

_______________________________________________

Tiltin' Hilton

[] Paris Hilton was arrested at 4 am on a Hollywood street and charged with DUI. (Cable News Network 9/7)

While being booked, she blamed the Jews----at the William Morris Agency for not returning her calls.

_______________________________________________

[] A Dutch priest threatened to blow up Madonna's act if she performed her reinactment of Christ's crucifixion. (Associated Press 9/9)

He's a member of Denmark's Order of the Precious Blood of Jesus and Mel Gibson.

_______________________________________________

[] Actor Martin Sheen has enrolled in the National University of Ireland. (Time Magazine 9/11)

Respecting his privacy, administrators would only say he's been assigned a room in the mens dorm, west wing.

_______________________________________________

[] Congress is considering a bill to allow drug companies to use federal prisoners as test subjects. (Cable News Network 9/5)

Disgraced congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham and his bitch have already signed up----they'll test Pfizer's new Viagra "Hard-Time Gel."

_______________________________________________

[] Budweiser will launch its own web entertainment network in February. (USA Today 9/6)

With handy links to alcorehab.com and bettyford.org.

_______________________________________________

[] Visitors from mainland China were photographed at Hong Kong's Disneyland smoking in non-smoking areas, cutting in line, spitting on the ground and squatting to rest. (USA Today 9/7)

Students on a field trip from Beijing's Keith Richards School of Etiquette.

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[] (Photo Caption) Grammy winner Kelly Clarkson walks with Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson at "Grammys on the Hill," an event that lets artists interact with lawmakers. (USA Today 9/7)

So they can learn that there are people even more unresponsive than agents.

_______________________________________________

[] Pop culture icon Pamela Anderson launches an online poker web site. (USA Today 9/7)

With one rule change----a pair beats a full house.

_______________________________________________

[] Bill Clinton travels in a specially-outfitted hybrid Mercury Marriner with extra leg room,
a swing-up writing desk and a small refrigerator. (USA Today 9/1)

And a special compartment for a spare intern.

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[] Chrysler has recalled 145.000 Dodge Ram pickups. (USA Today 9/5)

To reposition the gun rack and Confederate flag decal in the back window which together obstructed visibility.

_______________________________________________

[] Western hotel chains are flourishing in Vietnam. (USA Today 9/7)

The Ritz-Carlton Hanoi offers special ammenities with exotic names like the "Ho Chi Min Trail Grill," the "Mi Li Massacre Bridal Suite"and the "Apocolypse Now Convention Center."

_______________________________________________

[] A new study shows that drug use is down among teenagers but up among baby boomers. (CBS News 9/7)

"Dad, can I borrow your bong for my senior science project?"

_______________________________________________

[] Bush insists that the US is not in the business of torturing. (Cable News Network 9/6)

Unless you count us having to listen to him try to pronounce those three-syllable words.

_______________________________________________

[] The Saint Louis Blues Sports Arena has been renamed the "Scottrade Center." (USA Today 9/8)

Barely edging out the Preparation-H "HemorrhoiDome."

_______________________________________________

[] Bush meets with Columbus, GA Little League World Champs----autographs their ball caps. (USA Today 9/8)

Following which he turned them over to a Marine recruiter.

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[] In order to make "Operation Together Forward" appear to be more successful, the Pentagon ommitted counting scores of Iraqi civilian victims of car bombings. (USA Today 9/9)

Not unlike how their bumbling commander-in-chief got himself elected in the first place.

_______________________________________________

[] Stock prices declined after Playboy Enterprises posted a loss of $4.9 million over a year ago. (Associated Press 9/9)

Now known on Wall Street as the "bunny dip."

_______________________________________________

[] Ford Motor Company's new CEO Alan Mulally received an $18.5 million signing bonus. (Associated Press 9/9)

As well as unlimited use of the company Toyota.

_______________________________________________

Monkey Business

To hear a Scott Joplin piano medley whilst reviewing today's comedic offerings, press here:

powered by ODEO
[] Five monks at a former Russian Orthodox Monastery in Texas called "Christ of the Hills" face charges of child molestation, possession of child pornography, fraud and money laundering. (USA Today 9/5)

On top of that, the Vatican has threatened to sue them for copyright infringement.

_______________________________________________

[] The American Family Association based in Tupelo, Miss has asked its three million members to flood the FCC with complaints about language used by firefighters in the CBS documentary "9-11" scheduled to air on September 10. (Associated Press 9/4)

Seems those bible-hyping Falwellians have finally mastered proper word usage----now it's on to the rules of grammar.

_______________________________________________

[] A refrigeration tank failure destroyed the entire sperm bank at the University of Florida's Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility Clinic. (Associated Press 9/4)

Several fundamentalist church leaders from way down upon the Swanee River have already labeled the incident "negligent homicide."

_______________________________________________

[] "If you want to convert to Judaism, it's a huge hassle. You've got to find a rabbi, study the Torah, get circumcised, go to dental school. But Muhammad made joining his team simple: you just recite a two-line pledge. Which would you go for, a two-line pledge or circumcision?" (Bill Maher - in the Los Angeles Times, 9/1)

_______________________________________________

[] Vanity Fair Magazine has published the first photos of Tom and Katie's baby, Suri. (Cable News Network 9/5)

Including a candid shot of the infant jumping up and down on a tiny replica of Oprah's couch in the corner of her playroom.

_______________________________________________

[] Sean "Diddy" Combs and his girlfriend Kim Pavin are expecting twins. (Associated Press 9/6)

Sonogram images indicate that one of them is already wearing jewelry.

_______________________________________________

[] A study by the Annals of Surgery found that doctors past age 60 have higher death rates after certain complicated operations. (Associated Press 9/4)

Warning signs that your surgeon may be pasture-overdue:

1] Nothing but AARP magazines in waiting room
2] Has "Proud Grandpa" stencilled on surgical mask
2] Works only "early bird" hours
3] Uses scalpels with arthritic grips
4] Forgets to send bill

_______________________________________________

[] Ford will sell off its Aston Martin brand. (Los Angeles Times 9/7)

Sales have been in the dumper ever since James Bond switched to a Prius after gifting his roadster to Miss Moneypenny.

_______________________________________________

[] Universal will lose $30 million on its highly touted "Miami Vice" which cost $235 million to make. (Los Angeles Times 9/3)

The film was plagued by unexpected costs connected with promotion, distribution and Colin Farrell's rehab.

_______________________________________________

[] San Diego Charger linebacker Steve Foley is out for the season after being shot three times following a 90-mile an hour freeway chase by police. (Associated Press 9/4)

Steve's been charged with reckless driving, DUI and impersonating an Oakland Raider.

_______________________________________________

[] University of Texas cornerback Tarell Brown was arrested for carrying a loaded 9mm handgun. (USA Today 9/5)

He told police he packs heat whenever he carries his athletic scholarship in public.

_______________________________________________

[] A Stockton CA high school football coach has been charged with felony child abuse after he ran onto the field and hit a player on the opposing team. (Associated Press 9/4)

Something like this happens every time the George Patton Military Academy meets Bear Bryant Prep.

_______________________________________________

[] Fingerless gloves now account for 75% of glove sales----a fashion trend embraced by the likes of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. (USA Today 9/3)

If the fad had arisen a decade ago, O. J. would be in prison.

_______________________________________________

[] The Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon raised a record $61 million. (USA Today 9/5)

But it's about the same as last year's take when you factor in the high oil prices for Jerry's hair.

_______________________________________________

[] The nation's 400 Indian tribal casinos now employ in excess of 250,000 workers. (Associated Press 9/4)

Who's the keemosabe now?

_______________________________________________

[] A Pentagon report on conditions in Iraq says "Death squads and terrorists are locked in
mutually reinforcing cycles of sectarian strife. Nevertheless, the current violence is not a civil war... " (USA Today 9/5)

They prefer to call it "roadside bomb rage."

_______________________________________________

Labor Day Issue

To hear a Scott Joplin piano medley whilst reviewing today's comedic offerings, press here:

powered by ODEO
[] The Los Angeles Archdiocese faces 560 unresolved court claims against child-molesting priests. (Los Angeles Times 9/2)

Each blessed by Roger "Stonewall" Mahoney following a High Mass on Shyster Lawyer Sunday at Our Lady of the Precious Blood of Delayed Justice Cathedral.

[] "We're a nation in thrall to religious fanatics anyway; does it really matter which religion we're in thrall to? Koran, Bible----what's the diff? They're both full of moral pieties and codes of conduct nobody follows anyway. Seriously, is the Koran that different from the New Testament? Sex is bad, women are inferior, and when in doubt, blame the Jews." (Bill Maher in the Los Angeles Times, 9/1)

[] Salt Lake City mayor Rocky Anderson is shunned by American Legion Convention after he calls Bush "a complete disaster." (Associated Press 8/30)

Being snubbed by that gang of aged hawks reliving the sands of Iwo Jima is like not getting an invitation to watch Ann Coulter and Anna Nicole Smith mud wrestle.

[] Forbes Magazine replaces Condoleezza Rice with Germany's new prime minister as the world's most powerful woman, (USA Today 9/1)

Dropping Condi to number two, tied with Kelly Ripa.

[] A Princeton University study shows that women can evaluate a man's character within 1/10 of a second. (CBS News 8/30)

In a singles bar at 1:54 am, 1/500,000 of a second.

[] The "America Supports You" Freedom Walk seeks candy bars, snacks, CD's, video games, batteries and phone cards to be sent to our troops in Iraq. (Associated Press 9/2)

An unopened exit strategy would also be welcome.

[] Fidel Castro looks fit as he greets Venuzuelan President Hugo Chavez on Havana TV. (Associated Press 9/2)

Then he thanked Bush for offering him a new heart. Of course, it was Cheney's, but...

[] According to the National Center for Health Statistics, someone commits suicide in the US every 17 seconds. (USA Today 9/1)

Double that count during speeches by Rumsfeld trying to justify the war.

[] The coroner in Baghdad reports that he processed 1800 corpses in July, 90% of them executed. (USA Today 9/2)

Which is a lot of executions in one month. Not as many as Texas, but a lot.

[] CNN reporter Kyra Phillips ducked into a New Orleans ladies room carrying a live microphone during a speech by Bush. (Associated Press 9/3)

Is there a better time to multi-task?

[] CBS airbrushed a promotional photo of Katie Couric making her look 20 pounds lighter.
(Cable News Network 8/30)

Even more inexcusable, they put the 20 pounds back on Al Roker.

[] Afghanistan's opium harvest this year, up 49%, is the highest ever recorded. (New York Times 9/4)

Which accounts for Osama's smile in those videos.

[] An Iranian entrepreneur has become the first woman to pay for a ride in space. (USA Today 9/1)

Before you ask----yes, they've glued an extra layer of tiles on the fenders.

[] Donald Trump fired his longtime assistant and co-star on "The Apprentice," Carolyn Kepcher. (USA Today 9/1)

Seems sudden celebrity went to her head----much like it went to the Donald's hair.

[] Victor Willis, the original cop with the "Village People," pleaded guilty to drug possession in San Francisco. (USA Today 9/1)

After a short hitch in the navy, he's been working at the YMCA.

[] Ellen DeGeneres' 2006 Porsche Carrera was damaged in a collision with a 2002 Porsche Carrera on a Hollywood street. (Associated Press 9/3)

Barely avoiding the 2004 Ferrari being driven by Tom Cruise to Brooke Shields's house.

[] Medical experts say traumatic brain injuries are the signature earmark of the Iraq war. (Associated Press 9/3)

As well as the one that got us in this quagmire in the first place.

[] In 1903, Griffith J. Griffith who donated Griffith Park to the city of Los Angeles, shot his wife, Christine, in the head. (Los Angeles Times 9/3)

Ol' Grif was sort of a turn-of-the-century Bobby Blake----with land.

[] The US team of NBA all-stars lost to Greece, with no NBA players, in the World Championships. (Associated Press 9/2)

On a brighter note, they did get the judges' nod for "Most Obnoxious Tattoos."

[] Warren Buffet married his long-time companion, Astrid Minks. (USA Today 9/1)

He gave her the choice of Monte Carlo or St. Tropez. Not as a honeymoon distination----to keep.

[] Only Turkey has a greater percentage of its population who don't believe in evolution. (USA Today 9/2)

Even more alarming, the US nitwits reject science without the help of opium.

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