Hooterville Follies

[] The Hooters-themed casino floor offers 670 slot and video poker machines, 32 game tables and 200 world-famous Hooters girls. (Los Angeles Daily News 6/4)

Or, 400 actual hooters.

[] A jury in Oakland, CA awarded $61 million to two Lebanese FedEx drivers who claimed they were harassed with racial slurs on the job. (Associated Press 6/4)

They didn't mention the brown shorts, but the jury threw in an extra five grand for those, too.

[] Since his recent eyelift, Kenny Rogers has a "permanently startled" look. (Parade Magazine 6/4)

Now, even though he knows when, he can't fold 'em.

[] In a recent survey, 25% of 18-24 year olds couldn't identify a photo of Dick Cheney. (Los Angeles Daily News 6/4)

But they did a little better when they put a shotgun in his hands.

[] An Oxford University geneticist has traced the DNA of Genghis Khan to a University of Miami accounting professor. (Knight-Ridder 6/4)

Who teaches "Raping and Pillaging on April 15" to students planning a career with the IRS.

[] Pakistan banned the "Da Vinci Code" in deference to the country's Christians. (Associated Press 6/4)

Bad month for Tom Hanks. Last week, they banned reruns of "Bosom Buddies."

[] The F.D.A. is urging restaurants to post nutritional information on menus, offer smaller portions to curb growing obesity. (ABC News 6/4)

In other words, a visit to the Outback shouldn't add inches to yours.

[] Public outrage followed a ruling by a judge in Dublin to release a man serving time for sex with a 12-year old. (Associated Press 6/3)

The Irish Supreme Court ordered the man rejailed and Judge Jerry Lee Lewis debenched.

[] Bush is attempting to regain support from his base by pushing for a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage. (USA Today 6/1)

Looks like the bible thumper vote is more important to him than Mary Chaney's.

[] Archeologists recently discovered that figs were the world's first domesticated crop. (Associated Press 6/3)

Actually, they were first harvested in the Garden of Eden but strictly for their leaves.

[] Preparing for a sales slump during the hurricane season, some cruise lines have reduced fares as much as 75%. (USA Today 6/2)

And promise to have your picture printed on a milk carton if you disappear.

[] According to a National Geographic study, only 25% of Americans between 18 and 24 are able to locate Israel on a map. (USA Today 6/2)

And 47% of them think the Gaza Strip is some kind of bandage.

[] The Massachusetts legislature may ban the production of foie gras, condemning as inhumane the methods used to artifically enlarge goose livers. (USA Today 6/2)

Now if they would just show the same interest in Teddy Kennedy's.

[] Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff insists that FEMA is "hurricane-ready." (USA Today 6/2)

For what it's worth, Mike is also certain the F.B.I. is about to find Jimmy Hoffa.

[] Carlos Sanchez, better known as the Colombian coffee ambassador Juan Valdez, is retiring. (USA Today 6/1)

To spend more time on the golf course with his wfe, Chiquita Banana.

[] Divers off the coast of Cape cod discovered the skeleton of 9-year old pirate John King who died aboard the Whydah which sank in 1716. (Los Angeles Times 6/1)

He had the skeleton of a budgie perched on his shoulder.

[] In a car displaying the distinctive red and white Marlboro colors, Sam Hornish, Jr. driving for Marlboro Team Penske, won the Indianapolis 500 by a razor-thin .0635 seconds. (Associated Press 5/29)

Only too fittingly, every .0635 seconds, someone in the world dies of a tobacco-related illness.

[] Angelina Jolie gave birth to Brad Pitt's baby, a girl they named Shiloah Nouvel. (Associated Press 5/28)

Angelina allowed Brad to pick a name saying "I'll go along with anything but 'Jennifer'."

[] "Lost" actress Michele Rodriguez, sentenced to 60 days in jail for a DUI parole violation, was released after four hours and twenty minutes. (USA Today 5/31)

For good behavior during delousing.

[] Disney will offer some if its movies for download at $10 to $20. (USA Today 5/31)

Snow White will be available per character at $4.99 a dwarf.

[] A new A.M.A. study found that Canada's more preventive national health insurance program makes Canadians 42% less likely to contract diabetes than Americans. (USA Today 5/31)

They think that no Katie Couric may be a factor, too.

[] Italian archeologists in Rome have unearthed a skeleton dating to the 10th century B.C. (USA Today 5/31)

They concluded it was a woman since she's clutching a stone tablet advertising a 3-day sandal sale in the acropolis.

[] A global "seed vault" to safeguard the world's feed crop seeds from cataclysms will be built in Norway. (USA Today 5/31)

It will preserve samples of pollen, cones, seeds and sperm donated by Tom Cruise.

[] Former Iraq government spokesman Tariq Aziz testified at Saddam's trial wearing cotton pajamas. (Time Magazine
6/5)

Intentionally, according to his counsel Hugh Hefner.

[] GM will pay for gas above $1.99 a gallon on selected models sold to customers in Florida and California. (Cable News Network 5/24)

Later, they'll be issued coupons by the bankruptcy court.

[] Norelco's new $39.99 Body Groom for men "safely trims and shaves all body zones."(USA Today 5/31)

Perfect for that unslightly underarm stubble.

Semper Die

[] Investigators are pursuing evidence that Marines with the 3rd Battalion, known as the "Thundering Third," slaughtered two dozen Iraqi civilians, including women and children, in retaliation for the death of one of their own. (Associated Press 5/27)

The Few, the Proud, the Indicted.

[] Capital Police lock down House of Representatives after reports of gunfire in the underground garage. (Los Angeles Times 5/27)

Standard procedure in such a situation is to locate Cheney and make sure he's unarmed.

[] Catholic pastor loots New York parish of $800,000 to finance exotic vacations, country clubs and an expensive wardrobe. (Associated Press 5/27)

Monsignor John Woolsey of the Church of St. John the Martyr has been transferred to the Church of St. Laurent the Designer.

[] Study shows that single women bought 21% of the homes sold last year. (Los Angeles Times 5/27)

Which explains the sudden popularity of the adjustable "allowed-to-change-your-mind" rate mortage.

[] Home Depot hosts "Do It Herself" workshops that have graduated 280,000 women in the last three years. (Los Angeles Times 5/27)

While Circuit City was teaching 376,000 guys how to operate the TV remote control while chugging a beer and munching Doritos.

[] Writes New Yorker Magazine's Anthony Lane of "The Da Vince Code": "The sole beneficiaries of the entire fiasco will be the members of Opus Dei... who practice mortification of the flesh. From now on, such penance will be simple----no lashings, no spiked cuff around the thigh. Just the price of a movie ticket and 2 1/2 hours of pain." (New Yorker 5/29)

Wait 'til you hear his review of the bible.

[] GOP heavy-hitters Kissinger, Lugar, Hagel and Scowcroft urge Bush to abandon current path of escalation and join European allies in diplomatic talks with Tehran. (Los Angeles Times 5/27)

Another plan would be to find a boyfriend for Condoleezza Rice.

[] Seized in 1948 by Romania's Communist regime, Dracula's Transylvania castle is returned to the royal Habsburgs. (Associated Press 5/27)

Eight bedrooms, four baths, library, music room and a plasma cellar.

[] Cheney defends Bush policies in Iraq, inspires Annapolis grads at commencement address. (Baltimore Sun 5/27)

Anything Dick does without a shotgun in his hands tends to inspire.

[] Lay and Skilling guilty of conspiracy and fraud----could face life in prison. (Los Angeles Times 5/26)

Ken is already reviewing resumes of federal inmates interested in an entry-level bitch position.

[] F.B.I. sparks bipartisan protest with surprise search of Capitol Hill congressman's office. (USA Today 5/26)

They're gonna find Jimmy Hoffa come hell or high water.

[] Bush orders Jefferson documents sealed after Hastert protests violation of separation of powers clause as a "threat to Congress." (Los Angeles Times 5/26)

Dennie's afraid they'll find his less-than-encouraging Weight Watchers progress reports.

[] During meeting with Blair, Bush acknowledges mistakes in Iraq, regrets tough talk like "Bring 'em on." (USA Today 5/26)

In the Skipper's defense, he believed at the time that Dirty Harry was a real person and John Wayne was a military veteran.

[] Pope tells Poles "We must guard against the arrogant claim of judging earlier generations, who lived in different times and different circumstances." (Los Angeles Times 5/26)

Like when pedophelia was considered a virtue.

[] Treasury Secretary John Snow signals White House that he's ready to resign. (Associated Press 5/26)

Bush has been dragging his feet because he dreads having to recall all those bills with his autograph on them.

[] House votes to drill 1.5 million acres of Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Preserve. (USA Today 5/26)

Part of the GOP's plan to reduce our dependence on indigenous animal species.

[] VA reveals theft of 26.5 million records in an employee's home burglary. (USA Today 5/26)

But on a brighter note, a bureaucrat actually took work home.

[] House bill calls for 700 miles of double-layered border fencing while Senate wants a 370 mile triple-layered
fence. (USA Today 5/26)

Hey, if the cattlemen and sheep farmers could reach a compromise...

[] Amid charges that Marines massacred Iraqi civilians, commandant flies to Baghdad, tells his men "We run the risk of becoming indifferent to the loss of human life... " (Los Angeles Times 5/26)

Noble idea, but isn't this a little like Philip Morris telling its customers not to smoke?

[] After finding recruiting infractions, N.C.A.A. prohibits Indiana coach from making any recruiting calls for a year. (USA Today 5/26)

And has asked the N.S.A. to let them know if he does.

[] A new study shows that 18% of British dog owners feed their pets better food than they eat. (Cable News Network 5/24)

And 74% give them better dental care.

[] Hasbro has canceled plans to produce "Pussycat Dolls," a troup known for sexy lyrics and dance moves that would have been aimed at 6-10 year-olds. (USA Today 5/24)

Probably prompted by the lukewarm reception of their "Spice Sluts."

[] Rapper Bernie Sigel was wounded during an attempt to rob a Philadelphia bank. (USA Today 5/25)

The teller balked at turning over the money after noticing that his demand note didn't rhyme.

Opus Pocus

[] Despite tepid reviews, the Da Vinci Code posted the second-highest grossing opening weekend of all time. (USA Today 5/22)

Who would have guessed the Holy Grail would finally be found in a box office?

[] Frankie Thomas, 50's TV hero "Tom Corbett Space Cadet," passed away in Los Angeles at age 85. (Time Magazine 5/29)

He was widely believed to have been the model for George W. Bush.

[] F.B.I. agents searched the home of New Orleans Congressman William Jefferson and found $90,000 stuffed into ice cream containers stored in his freezer. (USA Today 5/22)

Ben & Jerry's newest flavor: Kickback Almond Fudge.

[] Rice told Fox News "The U.S. has not ruled out attacking Iran to curtail its nuclear program." (USA Today 5/22)

Actually, what she said was "Let them eat yellow cake."

[] Janet Jackson has lost 60 pounds since November. (USA Today 5/24)

The ones that were constantly causing her wardrobe to malfunction.

[] A CBS News survey pegs Cheney's approval rating at 20%. (USA Today 5/24)

But looked at more positively, his beer can is 1/5 full.

[] Lew Anderson, "Claribelle" on The Howdy Doody Show, passed away in Hawthorne, NY at age 84. (USA Today 5/23)

During his memorial service, Princess Summerspringwinterfall played taps on Claribelle's bicycle horn.

[] Iraq's new Prime Minister has pledged to use "maximum force" against the insurgents. (USA Today 5/22)

Why not? That approach has worked well so far.

[] Pope finds founder of the prestigious Legion of Christ guilty of child sex abuse and sentences him to "a life of prayer and penitence." (Los Angeles Times 5/10)

And he must put a bumper sticker on his car that says: "My molestees are on the Honor Roll at St. Benedict's."

[] McCain booed at New York's New School commencement. (Associated Press 5/20)

Then on the way to his car, he was assaulted by the Dixie Chicks.

[] Bush tells students at Northern Kentucky University "I understand that there's some uncertainty and worries because of circumstances... " (Los Angeles Times 5/20)

Hard to believe, isn't it? Did you know that Kentucky had more than one university?

[] Iran may pass a law banning western attire. (Associated Press 5/20)

Which pretty much puts the kibosh on plans to move the "Grand Ol' Opry" to Tehran.

[] Coast Guard arrested the captain of the cruise ship Celebrity Mercury for D.U.I. after he failed a breathalyzer test. (Los Angeles Times 5/27)

Suspicions arose after the ship sailed all the way from Vancouver to Seattle with its left turn signal flashing.

[] Scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig report that apes possess the ability to plan ahead. (Associated Press 5/20)

Some of them even have 401-K's.

[] About 19% of American troops returning from Iraq suffer from mental health problems compared to 4% of British troops. (Associated Press 5/20)

Somewhat of a shocker, no? Does Tony Blair seem any less delusional than Bush to you?

[] Alleged drug cartel kingpin Pablo Rayo Montano was arrested in Sao Paulo, Brazil. (Los Angeles Times 5/20)

The culmination of a massive manhunt conducted by Brazilian police, Interpol and O.J. Simpson.

Code Red!

[] The release of "The Da Vince Code" has unleashed protests in India, Thailand, China, South Korea and the Philippines. (USA Today 5/19)

Excuse me, but aren't these the same countries that produce most of those plastic Jesus dashboard statues?

[] Key Republican leaders are at odds over interrogation techniques to be used on insurgents. (USA Today 5/18)

Rumsfeld prefers the torture techniques developed by the Gestapo while McCain leans toward the standard KGB protocol.

[] Acting on a tip. the F.B.I. is digging up farmland near Detroit looking for the body of Jimmy Hoffa. (USA Today 5/18)

No Hoffa yet, but they did turn up that missing piece of treasure map from "The Legend of Curly's Gold."

[] An AutoVantage survey found that Miami is the "road rage" capital of the nation with Atlanta having the most courteous drivers. (USA Today 5/17)

Stats were based on interviews, observation and ER admissions for "middle finger fatigue."

[] The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration says that 48,000 motorists, mostly drivers of pickups in rural areas, don't wear seat belts. (USA Today 5/15)

No surprise here. You ever tried untangling a seat belt from a gun rack while juggling a six-pack in the other hand?

[] A mummy believed to have been a female ruler in 450 A.D. Peru was found atop a pyramid called El Brujo near Lima. (USA Today 5/17)

Archeologists have named the specimen Hillaryus Clintonius.

[] Uri Geller paid $905,100 for Elvis's pre-Graceland home on eBay. (USA Today 5/17)

The Memphis ranch style has four bedrooms, two baths and a walk-in medicine chest.

[] Condoleezza Rice says her favorite composer is Mozart. (USA Today 5/17)

Unlike her Bush administration colleagues who generally prefer Wagner.

[] College grads are back in demand. Job interviews on the campus of Duke University are up 30% from last year. (USA Today 5/17)

And that's not even counting police interrogations.

[] The Supreme Court of Hawaii ruled unanimously that "not every shot played by a golfer goes exactly where he intends it to go." (USA Today 5/16)

With insight like that, maybe we should let these guys settle this Roe vs. Wade thing.

[] There's been an explosion in digitalized spirituality with bible verses being offered on Blackberry and sermons on MP3. (Los Angeles Times 5/16)

"For forgiveness, press one... for eternal salvation, press two... to cure an illness, press three... to leave a message protesting The Da Vince Code, press four... "

[] Navy sinks aircraft carrier Oriskany in the Gulf of Mexico to create the world's largest intentional reef. (USA Today 5/18)

Warner Bros. did the same thing with the Poseidon, but not intentionally.

[] The National Rifle Association is seeking pledges from the nation's mayors not to disarm law-abiding citizens during natural disasters. (USA Today 5/19)

To defend themselves against looters, dangerous animals and Dick Cheney.

[] Heather Locklear and David Spade are calling it quits. (CNBC 5/17)

On the grounds of irreconcilable product endorcements.

All Well With Falwell

[] McCain speaks at Liberty University and embraces Jerry Falwell whom he once described as "an agent of intolerance." (New York Times 5/14)

John denied that he was courting the bible thumper vote and offered to return his speaking fee, 30 pieces of silver, to prove it.

[] A hundred and fifty members of the Boston College faculty signed a letter recommending that Condoleezza Rice be disinvited to speak at this year's commencement. (Los Angeles Daily News 5/14)

Or, short of that, at least send a Kennedy to pick her up at the airport.

[] Pope Benedict proclaims that Catholics must reject same sex marriages "to safeguard the rights of the family." (Cable News Network 5/13)

In other words, if you're gay, you should join the priesthood where you belong.

[] Zacarias Moussaoui has begun serving his life sentence at the nation's most secure prison, Supermax in Colorado. (Associated Press 5/14)

Abu Gharib-trained Army personnel will be flown in periodically to torture him.

[] Ecclesiastical scholars are debating the fact or fiction elements in the Da Vinci Code. (USA Today 5/15)

Their findings so far:

Fiction: The Priory of Sion was an ancient group charged with protecting the secret of the Holy Grail.

Fact: True up to the Holy Grail part. Actually, they were charged with protecting the ingredients in McDonald's secret sauce.

Fiction: Constantine invented the divinity of Christ in 325.

Fact: Some truth here. An inveterate tinkerer, he did invent something in August of 325 but it was the self-cleaning oven.

Fiction: Politics largely determined what gospels were included in the bible.

Fact: Close but no cigar. Luke gets that honor since he was the only disciple with a laptop.

Fiction: Jesus and Mary Magdalene were man and wife.

Fact: Not likely under the circumstances. They were dating regularly but marriage was out of the question since Jesus was in the midst of a messy divorce from John the Baptist's cousin, Sally-Jo Baptist.

Fiction: Christianity demonized Mary Magdalene to depress her influence.

Fact: Quite the contrary. Records show that they fully supported her appointment as the first editor of Ms. Magazine.

[] Bush will unveil his plan to secure the U.S. borders. (Cable News Network 5/15)

Not against illegal immigrants----alligators.

[] Sen. Ted Kennedy's plane was forced to land in New Haven after being struck by lightening. (USA Today 5/15)

Which could have been disasterous considering the jet fuel and vast array of flammable liquids reported to have been aboard.

[] The U.S. Trademark Office has granted trademark rights to "Surf City, U.S.A." to the city of Huntington Beach, California. (USA Today 5/15)

The rights to "Medical Waste City, U.S.A." was awarded to Santa Monica Beach.

[] The general tapped to head the C.I.A. directed telephone surveillance for the N.S.A. for six years. (USA Today 5/15)

General Himmler----uh----make that Hayden, had no comment.

[] More than $6 million in fake currency was passed in 2005, despite the Treasury Department's attempts to thwart counterfeiters with watermarks, security threads and shifting ink. (USA Today 5/15)

Some common flaws to be on the lookout for:

1] Secretary of the Treasury's signature says "Billy Joel"
2] Portrait of Alexander Hamilton is actually George Hamilton.
3] Inscription on capital dome says "War Is Not the Answer"
4] Bill is printed on Zig-Zag paper
5] Motto says "In Izod we trust"

No Stinking Badges!

[] Bush will address the nation on Monday, may send National Guard and reserve forces to US-Mexican border. (Los Angeles Times 5/12)

Breathe easy, Osama Bin Laden. Run for your life Osama Bin Gomez!

Fine print in Bush's Border Plan that probably won't be mentioned in his speech:

1] Taco Bell chihuahua placed in quarantine
2] N.H.L. rules to govern all bullfights
3] Paul Rodriguez placed under 24 hour surveillance
4] Chickens at El Pollo Loco must be okayed by KFC
5] Cheech and Chong expelled from S.A.G.

[] Cheney is given Congress's Distinguished Service Medal for "extraordinary distinction and selfless dedication." (USA Today 5/11)

And for going a whole month without shooting anybody.

[] Mary Cheney told Larry King "I fully support the Bush administration's position on gay rights." (Cable News Network 5/10)

To which Larry replied "I know Chastity Bono and you're no Chastity Bono."

[] Santa Fe's $9.50 per hour is the nation's highest state-mandated minimum wage. (USA Today 5/10)

Of course, $3.50 of it is in the form of hand-made turquoise jewelry.

[] With a national debt of $8 trillion, the U.S. owes the most to Japan and China in that order. (CBS News 5/10)

Hey, let's celebrate with dinner at Benihana of Beijing.

[] Identity theft is being called "the most threatening new crime of the decade." (CBS News 5/10)

On the other side of the coin, Connie Chung has Maury Povich's identity up for auction on e-Bay.

[] British Columbia police have charged three 13-year old boys with robbing seven banks. (USA Today 5/11)

The lads were handcuffed and led from their 7th grade home room at Vancouver's Butch and Sundance Junior High.

[] Budgets strained to the breaking point, the National Park Service has raised fees for admission to their facilities. (USA Today 5/13)

Even more disappointing to out-of-doors enthusiasts, A.T.V.ers are allowed to wipe out only two endangered species per season.

[] Cryptologists at the NSA shred 40,000 pounds of documents per day. (USA Today 5/12)

Mostly from unsuccessful attempts to figure out what's happening on "Lost."

[] "No Salvaging this Cliche-ridden Remake----Poseidon Will Have You Rooting for the Big Wave," headlines USA Today. (USA Today 5/12)

Plans for Warner Bros. highly-touted sequel "Midnight Buffet" have been scrapped.

[] Bush warns that armed militias that terriorize local citizens and take the law into their own hands pose a grave threat to America. (Los Angeles Times 5/12)

And the ones in Iraq aren't much better.

[] General Motors will discontinue production of the $130,000 H1 Hummer. (Associated Press 5/13)

They may produce a limited edition model called "The Schwarzenegger."

[] LifeGem will create three diamonds from strands of Beethoven's hair. (Associated Press 5/13)

The company is mum on future projects but has insurred Don King's head for $10 million.

[] Rap group D-12 will complete work on their current album despite the murder of band member Proof as soon as fellow band member Swift is released from jail on parole violations, according to the band's leader, Kon Artis. (Associated Press 5/13)

The much-anticipated album includes "Zippidy Do Dah," "When You Wish Upon a Star" and "It's a Wonderful World."

Spookville Follies

[] Bush names Michael Hayden to replace Porter Goss as head of the C.I.A., while insisting he's qualified for the post. (Cable News Network 5/8)

Bush says he's even forgiven him for marrying Jane Fonda.

Telltale signs so far that Mike may be the wrong guy for the job:

1] Harriet Meirs called to offer advice.
2] Rumsfeld insists on calling him "Sonny."
3] Cheney keeps inviting him dove hunting.
4] Clarence Thomas called to offer advice.
5] He was nominated by George W. Bush.

[] To improve his chances of surviving the confirmation hearings, Hayden is being urged to resign his Air Force commission. (USA Today 5/10)

Bush told him, "I've never regretted walking away from mine."

[] In her new autobiography "Now It's My Turn," Mary Cheney relates her father's reaction to her disclosure at age 16 that she was a lesbian: "You're my daughter. I just want you to be happy." (USA Today 5/8)

Then he shot her in the face with a 12-gauge.

[] Disney severs promotional ties with McDonald's after 10 years. (Cable News Network 5/8)

Most likely due to this week's debut of the "McGoofy Burger," "Minnie McNuggets" and chocolate-dipped "McJiminey Crickets."

[] According to the California Department of Corrections, 23 high-risk sex offenders are living within
11 miles of Disneyland. (USA Today 5/10)

Seven of them are dwarfs.

[] Kathleen Turner wraps her London run of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolfe" to take the play on a five-month U.S. tour. (USA Today 5/10)

Renamed "Who's Afraid of Wolf Blitzer?"

[] A German man who ate another man he met on the internet was sentenced to life. (USA Today 5/10)

Which he'll serve at Frankfort's Hannibal Lecter Gastrointestinal Soft Tissue Abuse Correctional Facility.

[] A legislator alleges that State Farm Insurance used a fraudulent engineering report to deny Hurricane Katrina damage claims. (USA Today 5/10)

" ... Unlike a good neighbor, State Farm isn't there... "

[] A new bill proposed by the governor will provide all Vermonters with health insurance. (USA Today 5/10)

Just in time for the accident-prone maple syrup tree-tapping season.

[] The civilian-run Minuteman Civil Defense Corps will erect two 150 foot-long fences along the Arizona-Mexico border with a road running between them. (USA Today 5/10)

In the center of which they'll place a giant piece of cheese.

[] According to an article in The Science Times, giant panda mothers usually give birth to twin cubs, one of which they eat. (USA Today 5/9)

And make the surviving cub feel guilty about it for the rest of its life.

[] A Swedish study has shown that the brains of lesbians are wired like those of straight men. (USA Today 5/9)

While gay men have wiring that closely resembles that of Judy Garland.

[] A National Academy of Sciences Magazine article states that bottleneck dolphins, like humans, can call one another by name. (USA Today 5/9)

And also like humans, seldom get a call from their agent.

[] The hip hop tour teaming rappers Juvenile and Bubba Sparxxx was mysteriously canceled. (Los Angeles Times 5/9)

After the participants suddenly realized that nothing rhymed.

[] "Mission Impossible III" opens with $48 million in box office grosses, far behind "MI:II's" $57 million. (Los Angeles Times 5/8)

Tom has asked the Church of Scientology to kick in the difference.

Vatican Chatter

[] The Vatican is urging Catholics worldwide to boycott the film version of "The Da Vinci Code." (Time Magazine 5/8)

Even going so far as to cover their eyes while watching "The Andy Griffith Show" reruns whenever Ron Howard appears on the screen.

[] Vatican officials denied rumors that Pope Benedict XVI may be about to relax the Catholic ban on condom use. (Time Magazine 5/8)

While admitting, however, that he may approve a "century after" pill.

[] Pope expresses "profound displeasure" over China's state-sanctioned church annointing two bishops without his permission. (Los Angeles Times 5/5)

The Pontiff is so angry with Beijing, he may deny Michelle Wei an age dispensation to join the L.P.G.A.

[] Pope's elite security force, known as the Swiss Guards, celebrate their 500th anniversary this year. (USA Today 5/5)

They were first commissioned in 1506 by Pope Fuggetaboutit XXIII.

[] Head of the C.I.A. Porter Goss announced his resignation. (Cable News Network 5/5)

Deciding to leave before he was outed by Scooter Libby.

How you know your spook days are over:

1] During Cabinet meetings, Cheney sends you out for beer and ammo.
2] Your parking space is up for auction on e-Bay.
3] You keep hearing the sound of a zither.
4] Michael Caine plays you in a movie.
5] Not even Bob Novak will out you.

[] Rhode Island congressman Patrick Kennedy crashed his car into a Capital Hill concrete security barrier at 3 a.m. (Cable News Network 5/5)

He immediately called his dad who said "Did you remember to roll down a window so she could get out?"

[] In Manhattan, the Soprano's James Gandolfini tumbled off of his motor scooter after colliding with a cab. (USA Today 5/5)

He ordered his Vespa, damaged beyond repair, wiped out.

[] The Chicago City Council has ruled that force-feeding geese is inhumane and places a ban on foi gras. (Time Magazine 5/8)

Known by most people in the Chicago area as "McPate."

[] The Tao Restaurant at the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas offers a 12-ounce Kobe rib eye steak for $88. (Associated Press 5/6)

A tad pricy, but you get to keep the samurai sword that comes with it.

[] The Concord California Jazz Festival will honor native son Dave Brubeck by naming a local park after him. Brubeck is 85. (Los Angeles Times 5/6)

Give or take five.

[] Five states are considering legislation that would ban sex toys. (HBO 5/5)

The other forty-five may ban batteries.

[] A 1200 pound man, maybe the heaviest human in the world, hopes to travel to Europe for life-saving surgery. (Cable News Network 5/3)

If a visit to Lourdes can be considered surgery.

Ways to tell he may be on your flight:

1] Plane begins takeoff in Mexico City, becomes airborne in Guadalajara.
2] No-baggage is allowed as the luggage compartment is filled with passenger.
3] Pilot points out only one landmark----and he's aboard.
4] Plane never gets above 400 feet.
5] You're flying on Kerstie Alley Air.

[] 20TH Century Fox has recalled promotional bracelets sold with CD's of Shirley Temple's early movies after discovering they contain a high concentration of lead. (Los Angeles Times 5/5)

They're almost as leaden as Shirley's political career.

[] Cheney accuses Putin of using oil and gas reserves as "tools of intimidation and blackmail." (Los Angeles Times 5/5)

When everyone knows God created them as "tools of aggression and occupation."

[] Norelco has introduced a new mens' razor specially designed to shave underarms and pubic hair. (HBO 5/5)

Watch for the TV commercials that will feature Jerry Lee Lewis singing his signature song.

[] In the fine-ridden N.B.A. playoffs, Dallas Maverick's Dirk Nowitzki drew a $75,000 tab for a flagrant foul and Shaquille and Jermaine O'Neal were tagged $15,000 each for criticizing referees. (USA Today 5/4)

So far, Kobe Bryant has had to buy two rings for his wife.

[] Victoria's Secret has unveiled their new "Sexy Sport" line of bras for female athletes. (USA Today 5/5)

In special "unisex" sizes.

[] CBS Television launched "Innertube," the first online channel offered by a major network. (Los Angeles Times 5/5)

In deference to the majority of the net's viewers, use of an orthopedic mouse is recommended.

Sodom & Crapola

[] So far, Karl Rove has appeared before the grand jury five times. (Time Magazine 5/8)

Problem is, every time he puts his hand on the bible, he turns into a pillar of salt.

[] The Minutemen, an anti-illegal immigration group, has erected a six-foot tall razor wire fence along a quarter mile of the border east of San Diego. (Cable News Network 5/1)

Future immigrants immediately began using the fence to dry the freshly-washed clothes they plan to wear crossing the border.

[] Attorneys for Kennedy cousin Michael Skakel who's serving time on a murder conviction claim they've found two men who are implicated in the killing of Martha Moxley. (Cable News Network 5/1)

That's the good news. The bad news is, they're both Kennedys.

[] Striking minor league umpires rejected a tentative settlement offer from club owners two to one. (USA Today 5/2)

A spokesman for the union termed the offer "low and inside."

[] Pete Rose, Jr. was convicted of distributing a steroid alternative to his minor league teammates. (USA Today 5/2)

Which about locks the door on Pete Senior's dream of making the Dads' Hall of Fame.

[] Problem-plagued golfer John Daly says he lost $50 to $60 million during twelve years of heavy gambling. (USA Today 5/2)

His downward slide began when a fan bet him $10,000 that he wouldn't wear a mullet to the Masters.

[] Reebok has received more than 15,000 orders for Reggie Bush's New Orleans Saints jersey. (USA Today 5/2)

Rivaling the 17,000 plus orders that Frederick's of Hollywood has received for Anna Nichole Smith's Supreme Court-inspired black lace nightie.

[] Bush told a press conference "I believe in Iraq, we've formed a partnership." (CBS News 5/1)

He wanted to add "... like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie," but an alert aide talked him out of it.

[] Taking a break from touring, Englebert Humperdinck turned 70 at his home in Leicester, England. (USA Today 5/2)

Where he lives anonymously under his real name----Meatloaf.

[] Jess Walter, author of "Citizen Vance," has won this year's Edgar Allen Poe Award. (USA Today 5/2)

Following tradition dating back to 1946, the award arrived in the middle of the night by raven.

[] Barry Bonds creeps closer to Babe Ruth's record. (USA Today 5/3)

Still trailing Rush Limbaugh's, however.

[] Soprano actors John Vintimiglia and Perry Annunziata stand charged with, respectively, drunken driving, drug possession and criminal mischief. (USA Today 5/3)

Forget the criminal charges. Now they have to answer to James Gandolfini.

Cocoanuts

[] Keith Richards is hospitalized after falling out of a palm tree in Fiji. (ABC Radio 4/29)

If Mick told him once, he's told him a hundred times "Never try to trash a palm tree."

[] Rush Limbaugh agreed to plead guilty to one count of doctor shopping, concluding the investigation of illegal possession of prescription drugs. (CBS News 4/28)

The Broward County Sheriff's Office even took down the yellow tape around his medicine chest.

[] Cardinals Mahoney and McCarrick had breakfast with White House religion advisor, Karl Rove. (Los Angeles Times 4/29)

Rove was confused on the proper protocol surrounding ring kissing so avoided the issue by not wearing it.

[] M.G.M. Mirage will partner with the Mashantucket Pequot Tribal Nation to build a $700 million hotel-casino in New Haven, Conn. (New York Times 4/28)

Which will be named the "White Man Speak With Forked Tongue----Grand."

[] Congress is considering legislation that would allow the C.I.A. to cancel the pension the checks of retirees who disclose sensitive material. (Los Angeles Times 4/30)

But not before subjecting them to a rigorous "good accountant----bad accountant" interrogation.

[] Six of the top ten National League players are from Latin America and five of the top ten American League players are Latinos. (Los Angeles Times 4/30)

Relief pitchers are now routinely referred to as "guest workers."

[] Last year, 1.8 million Third World infants died from dehydration due to diarrhea. (Los Angeles Times 4/30)

While drug company researchers focus their efforts on finding a cure for "restless leg syndrome."

[] Sound Book Summaries condenses the glut of executive improvement books for the busy corporate mover and shaker. (Los Angeles Times 5/1)

To free up more time cancel pension plans, break unions, search for corporate tax loopholes and outsource jobs to India.

[] The issue of lifting the ban on gay rabbis was considered and rejected in 1992. (Los Angeles Times 5/1)

At a National Rabbinical Conference at Brokeback Mount Zion.

[] Starbucks has hired the William Morris Agency to help identify music, film and book projects to market. (Los Angeles Times 5/1)

Celebrating the event with a new menu entry----the "Unreturned Phone Calls French Vanilla Latte."

[] Heisman Trophy winner U.S.C. running back Reggie Bush is passed over as first round N.F.L. draft pick. (Los Angeles Daily News 4/30)

The glove just didn't fit.

[] Today marks the third anniversary of Bush's "Mission Accomplished" banner raised on the U.S.S. Lincoln. (Associated Press 4/30)

That's now on display beside the "tilted E" Enron sign at the Smithsonian's All-Time Greatest Frauds exhibit.

[] More than 80 years have passed since the corpse of Vladimir Lenin was placed on display in Red Square, enhansed by chemicals and cosmetic lighting. (Los Angeles Times 4/30)

Actually, he's starting to look a little like Cher.