TUESDAY, February 1, 2011

Lacking real weapons, the Egyptian rioters are attacking the Army with anything they can lay their hands on -- sticks, bottles, stones.  Yesterday, a corporal was winged by an unemployed belly dancer‘s castanet.

New York City will soon lay off 15,000 teachers.  But they may not be  unemployed for long.  The NFL has announced it will conduct job interviews for qualified tutors to teach the new crop of draft picks how to read.

Animal rights activists threatened to picket a Tucson restaurant owner who announced he would serve lion meat tacos.   The story gets even worse.  Turns out he bought the lion from MGM who had to auction off their mascot to avoid bankruptcy.

A convict serving time in a South Carolina prison had his cell phone confiscated when guards found him using it to update his Facebook page.  Facebook is the last thing you’d think someone in prison would need -- another wall.

Longtime Grand Ol’ Oprey regular Charlie Louvin strummed his final chords at age 83.  In his honor, all the price tags on Minnie Pearl’s hat display were lowered to half-staff.

MONDAY, January 31, 2011

An enterprising Berlin dentist who outfitted her female staff with tight-fitting, rack-displaying smocks is doing land-office business.  One satisfied male patient described his recent appointment as “Hooters with Novocain instead of beer.”

Entomologists have discovered that the common bedbug found in many New York hotels has developed an immunity to pesticides.  And they’re getting much bolder, too -- there are reports that some of them have begun stealing soap.

Department of Defense officials touring China’s military sites were livid when they were shown China’s new $100 million stealth attack bomber.  They don’t mind Beijing having the bomber -- they’re mad because US dollars are paying for it.

The January issue of Playboy Magazine features a prominent photo of a Mississippi State co-ed completely nude.  In the caption, we learn that she’s a member of Ol’ Miss’s most popular sorority -- Centa Folda Pi.

A member of a Glasgow, Scotland mountain climbing club lost his footing on a sheer rock ledge and fell 1000 feet, suffering only superficial cuts and bruises.  Then, out-of-habit, the producers of “Batman” apologized.

FRI, SAT, SUN, January 28, 29, 30, 2011

New York’s Mayor Michael Bloomberg has proposed that street vendors be held to the same sanitation standards as restaurants.  He’s right.  Diners should be able to rest assured that food cart E.coli is as virulent as that found at the popular fast food chains.

Despite rumors to the contrary, close friends say that Charlie Sheen may marry his porn star girlfriend, Bree Olsen.   Among the telltale signs -- they’re registered at “Bed, Bath and STD Screening.”

According to a study by the University of Minnesota, almost 10% of Super Bowl fans will leave the stadium legally too drunk to drive.  And it gets worse.  Out-of-towners will board a plane piloted by someone in the same condition.

Archeologists were astounded to find bones which they believe belonged to the earth’s first domesticated dog which lived almost 10,000 years ago.  Even more astounding was the first fire hydrant found nearby.

According to records of the American Bar Association, the nation’s lawyer population dropped last year by 15%.   Which is great news for vacationers.  The surf will be 15% safer to swim in next summer.

THURSDAY, January 27, 2011

Taco Bell officials are denying allegations in a class action lawsuit that their beef contains “binders and fillers” and little real beef.  They did admit, however, that non-bovine substances occasionally enter the mix while the bull is being dragged out of the ring.   

A jury in Honolulu acquitted a woman who was charged with beating up a peacock.  They apparently believed her plea of mistaken identity when she claimed she thought she was attacking rapper LL Cool J.

Olympic water nymph Amanda Beard now admits that she competed while under the influence of drugs, alcohol and an eating disorder.  The drug rap sounds phony, though.  She was disqualified after tests showed unacceptable levels of chlorine.

Zsa Zsa Gabor’s 12,000 square foot Bel-Air, CA mansion, once owned by Elvis Presley, is on the market for $28 million.  It boasts eight bedrooms, six baths, a sub-zero freezer and a built-in peanut butter and banana sandwich deep fryer.

Citing various defects requiring immediate repair, Toyota has recalled 1.7 million vehicles including several ultra-plush GS Lexus models.  Owners complained that their GPS system frequently misidentified four star restaurants as five star.

WEDNESDAY, January 26, 2011

Super Bowl tickets are selling out so fast, admissions to a “standing room only” area in the parking lot are being sold.  It’ll be almost like having a seat -- at half-time the cast of “Batman” will fly out of the stadium and land on the standees.

Last week, Dolly Parton celebrated her 65th birthday at a small party with family and friends at home in Pigeon Forge,TN.  Dolly’s semi-retired now -- which means no more 9 to 5.

The Hawaiian Legislature dropped the opening prayer that began each session.  Not that they had anything against God, but the prayer clashed with their opening song -- the theme from the new “Hawaii Five-0.”

Sandra Bullock‘s former hubby Jesse James has announced his engagement to rocker Kat Von D.  Eschewing a traditional church wedding, they not only wrote their own vows, they’re tattooed on him and continued on her.

The FBI rounded up 127 Mafia chieftains and mob enforcers.  The dons were arrested and charged with murder, wire fraud, loan sharking, extortion and scalping Chicago Bears-New York Jets Super Bowl tickets.

TUESDAY, January 25, 2011

Besting an 82-year old record, the newly-crowned 17-year-old Miss America, Teresa Shannon, is the youngest winner since 1929.  And it showed -- she wowed judges during the talent portion by twirling a baton while texting Justin Bieber.

FAA officials at the Dallas-Ft. Worth Airport recently prevented a strip club from locating nearby, complaining that they already have enough trouble keeping pilots off the booze and the last thing they need is to add topless pole dancers.

The History Channel scrapped a mini-series on the Kennedys after some embarrassing evidence surfaced.  Seems JFK’s own motto was “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for Marilyn Monroe’s career.”

A study by the American Library Association shows that people in Washington DC read more than in any other city.  It also boasts one of the highest crime rates in the nation.  In Washington, you’re either reading a book or being booked.

New findings show that people who consume at least four cups of coffee daily cut their risk of diabetes in half.   Which means cities should never allow a Ben & Jerry’s to locate next to a Starbucks or they’ll cancel each other out.  

MONDAY, January 24, 2011

Sixty percent of Americans do not believe the biblical story of Adam and Eve, but instead embrace Darwin’s theory of Evolution.  That notwithstanding, many of them continue to have difficulty explaining how anything could have evolved into Snooki.

Mississippi drug agents arrested Brandi Favre, sister of Brett, and charged her with running a meth laboratory.  Contacted by reporters, Brett feigned ignorance, telling them, “She told me she was studying Method Acting.”

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney told reporters that he thinks Obama will be a one-term president.  Here’s a man who knows what he’s talking about.  After all, he spent eight years just a mechanical heartbeat away from the Oval Office.

Facing massive budget-cuts in his city’s payroll, the mayor of Camden, New Jersey announced he’s laying off half the police department.  Within hours of his announcement, seven Winchell’s Donuts declared bankruptcy. 

According to a study conducted for the American Dental Association, seniors who lose their teeth are more prone to dementia.  There’s good news, however, for those who lose them in a bar fight: dementia is the least of their problems.

FRI, SAT, SUN, January 21, 22, 23, 2011

Former vice-president Dick Cheney has been on the talk show circuit demonstrating the artificial heart pump he wears to keep him alive.  It’s amazing.  He can carry on his usual daily activities like eating, walking his dog, driving, looking for WMD...

Visiting Chinese President Hu Jintau was welcomed in Washington by a 21-gun salute, followed by a rare bipartisan motorcade during which the president and Obama rode in a stretch rickshaw being pulled by John Boehner.

Jailed wide-receiver Plaxico Burress may sign with the Baltimore Ravens.  Burress, Donte Stallworth, Michael Irvin, Michael Vick -- so many ex-cons playing now, one franchise has asked permission from the NFL to change their uniform to orange jump suits.

San Francisco will soon open the first gay history museum in the nation.  The collection of exhibits and artifacts is so extensive, there will be a separate wing devoted exclusively to the closets famous gays came out of.

A Connecticut company is marketing stuffed toys designed in the shape of bacteria and viruses including salmonella, E. coli, staphylococcus and H1N1.   There’s even one with the measles virus called “Scratch Me Elmo.”

THURSDAY, January 20, 2011

The FCC cleared the way for NBC to merge with cable network, Comcast.    Problems already.  To watch Leno, you have to call for an appointment and they give you a four-hour “window” during which he might, or might not, show up.

Officials at Southwest Airlines announced that the carrier will soon begin international flights to Europe.  Actually, it happened by accident when a pilot spilled coffee on the instrument panel, and the plane flew itself to Paris.

A University of Virginia study shows that college students learn virtually nothing during their first two years.  Well, they do pick up a few skills -- binge drinking, hangover cures, cool pickup lines, cheating on tests…

The director of the prestigious New York City Ballet was arrested for driving under the influence after failing a field sobriety test.  According to police records, he could walk a straight line, but only on tippy-toes.

A New Jersey meat packing plant was ordered to recall 200,000 pounds of rancid beef.   Food and Drug inspectors are now testing the samples for traces of salmonella, e-coli or Lady Gaga.

WEDNESDAY, January 19, 2011

Regis Philbin has announced that this will be his last season on “Regis & Kelly.”  He’s keeping busy, though -- next season he’ll co-star with Andy Rooney on ABC’s remake of “Miami Vice.”

During Sunday’s Golden Globes,  host Rickey Gervais told a joke that implied Tom Cruise and John Travolta are gay.  The boys took it like sports, but Oprah was spotted in Valet Parking deflating the tires on Ricky’s stretch limo.

After a year of research, Starbucks has introduced the 31-ounce “Trenta,” a super-sized cup for iced coffee, tea or lemonade.   A company spokesman described the new size as “a Slurpee with a college education.”

Seven -Eleven has debuted their own house brand wine and it appears to be a success -- customers are already hosting their own wine, mac-and-cheese tasting parties.

Playboy is running its first-ever centerfold model photographed in 3-D.  As if men  didn’t already have enough trouble hiding the magazine, now they’ll have to stash the 3-D glasses, too.

TUESDAY, January 18, 2011

This year’s Miss America winner is the youngest since 1929.  Seventeen year old Teresa Shannan told the judges her dream is to become a doctor and find a cure for cancer,  to join UNESCO and help wipe out world hunger and to someday marry Hugh Hefner.

Some New York Catholics may have contacted hepatitis A from hosts passed out at Christmas mass. They should have realized the danger from the Nativity Scene --  the Three Wise Men were carrying gold, frankincense and penicillin.

A  pilot was disciplined by United after he spilled a cup of coffee on his instrument panel and set off the radio‘s “I’m being hijacked!” distress call.   When you think about it, if it was a cup of Starbuck’s, he was.

Simon Cowell was delighted when notified that he’s been granted a knighthood.  But he’s a little nervous about reports that the queen will be on vacation in Scotland and asked Paula Abdul to perform the ceremony for her.

After 13 years, Golf Digest has severed all ties with Tiger Woods.  On a brighter note, he’s been hired by Readers Digest to pen a monthly column called “Mistresses Say The Darndest Things!”

MONDAY, January 17, 2011

According to the World health Organization, China now leads the world in skyrocketing rates of STDs due to defective condoms.  On a more positive note, they have the lowest incidence of MSG.

The Obama administration has abandoned the 400-mile long fence under construction along the US-Mexican border, claiming it was over-priced and ineffective.   Looks like they’re resigned to the fact that if Americans want to cross over, they’ll cross over.

According to the latest stats from the Highway Safety Council, eighty-five percent of Americans now wear their seat belts while driving.  And those over 75 leave their turn signal in the "on" position to announce that fact to other drivers.

The City of New York may soon require cabbies working in the Big Apple to wear bullet-proof vests -- and equip each cab with metal detectors disguised as Christmas tree air-fresheners.

Target will soon open twenty-one new stores in thirteen states.  And at the request of the governor, those in Arizona will be renamed.

FRI, SAT, SUN, January 14, 15, 16, 2011

During the upcoming visit of China’s president Hu Jintao to Washington, President and Mrs. Obama will host a lavish White House Dinner featuring two entrees specially prepared to honor both world leaders -- “Peasant Under Glass” and “Peking Lame Duck.”

This year’s annual crop of inductees have been welcomed into baseball’s Hall of Fame and once again, Pete Rose was not among them.  Poor Pete.  He’s been passed over more times than an airline passenger going through the security check at LAX.

“Jersey Shore” has posted the highest ratings of any show ever shown on MTV.  It’s now generally considered to be the most comprehensive study of pestilence since the Discovery Channel’s documentary on India’s vermin infestation.

This week marks Snow White’s 74th year with Disney, not all smooth.  In 1941, she was warned by an animator to stop dating the Dwarfs.  He said, “Walt’s been threatening to change your name to ‘Snow Beige’.”

Behavioral scientists using brain wave technology have determined that rats dream while asleep, usually reliving daily activities --  you know, like chasing ambulances, appearing in court, billing clients…

THURSDAY,January 13, 2011

Debt-plagued MGM has green lighted a new James Bond film that will be released in 2012.  The new film, a salute the coming-of-age of the Baby Boomer generation, will be entitled “The Man With the Golden Prostate.”

Archeologists from UCLA recently discovered a 6,000-year-old, fully-equipped winery in an Armenian cave.  Graphologists translated a sign scratched on the wall that says “Owned by Ernest and Julio Kardashian.”    

Producer Ivan Reitman announced that he’s preparing Ghostbusters 3.”   May be a tad too late, though.  Bill Murray will still be in it, but now he’s playing one of the ghosts.

Ted Williams, that homeless radio announcer discovered begging beside a freeway on ramp, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers.  And none too soon.  He was reduced to holding up a sign that said, “Will announce your next dinner party if I’m allowed to stay.”

Guinness has recognized a British cat as the oldest in the world.  The tabby is 39 and so old, he has an arthritic scratching post.

WEDNESDAY, January 12, 2011

The skipper of the carrier USS Enterprise was fired for allowing crew members to produce sex videos aboard ship.  At his court martial, he claimed he was honoring an ancient maritime tradition that began with x-rated scenes carved on whale’s teeth.

A born-again Christian cult in Oakland is preparing for the world to end in May.  Hate to spoil their party, but have you been to Oakland lately?  That world ended some time ago.

Tough NFL season for Cleveland coach Eric Mangini and San Francisco coach Mike Singletary, both of whom were fired.  Much easier for Mike, though -- at least he can still enjoy living there.      

Behavioral scientists at Ohio State University have determined that the stress level of cats determines their overall health.  Pretty costly, though -- now they’re stuck with 5,000 shredded couches.

A British tabby cat certified as the world’s oldest feline at age 39.  He’s so old, when he chases mice, just to keep it interesting, they have to keep doubling back.

TUESDAY, January 11, 2011

Despite much evidence to the contrary, Paula Abdul continues to deny that she has a drinking problem.  Which is perfectly understandable.  How can something you’re so good at be a problem?

Three professors at Istanbul’s prestigious Bilgi University were sacked for allowing a student to make an on-campus porn film for his master’s dissertation.   What a shock.  Who knew the Kardashians spoke Turkish?

Last week, fans celebrated what would have been Elvis’s 75th birthday.  They‘re all getting up there.  His “look-alikes” have been replaced by “stroke-alikes.”

The crew of an icebound Russian trawler are trapped aboard their ship until the spring thaw reaches the Sea of Okhotsk -- a popular vacation destination which Russians know best from its TV jingle, “It’s Okhotsh, B’Gosh!” 

A British company has developed a laser gun which could be used by international seamen to blind Somali pirates without killing them.  Wouldn’t it be cheaper to put some Hollywood paparazzi in a speedboat and tell them the pirates are celebrities?

MONDAY, January 10, 2011

Pat Robertson told reporters that he favors the decriminalization of marijuana.  And all these years, we thought by “Praise Jesus!” he meant honor the lord.  Now we find out it was Jesus Martinez, his dealer. 

The long-awaited Beatles Museum opened in Buenos Aires.  The formal dedication ceremony included a speech by the mayor and a rendition of a special number penned for the occasion by Paul McCartney called “Don’t Cry For Me, Yoko Ono.”

Customs agents at LAX arrested a man attempting to smuggle cocaine-filled Easter eggs.  He would have gotten away with it too, if the nose on his bunny suit wasn’t twitching more than a real rabbit’s.

Researchers in Israel discovered that female tears contain a chemical substance whose aroma lowers a man’s sexual desire.   However, the effect is the exact opposite when the tears are delivered beneath fluttering eyelashes.

John Madden was recently appointed to the NFL’s Safety Advisory Panel and got off to a less-than-impressive start.  While showing the other panel members how to operate the Tele-Strator, he sprained his wrist. 

FRI, SAT, SUN, January 7, 8, 9, 2011

A little theater group in Chicago staged a production of Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” with dialog entirely in Star Trek Klingon.  It was such a hit, next year they plan to do the play in Valley Girl with a new name -- Charles Dickens’ “Like A Christmas Whatever.” 

Though backed by a formidable group of Old West historians, new Mexico’s governor refused to expunge Billy the Kid’s murder conviction.  On the plus side, he did pardon Billy Ray Cyrus for letting Miley use Lindsay Lohan as a role model.

A new version of Mark Twain’s “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” has been released with the “n” word replaced 218 times with the word “slave.”   The author’s name has been changed to “Mark Train” because Twain sounds too much like baby-talk.

In an attempt to launch “a more streamlined image,“ Starbuck’s has redesigned their familiar logo.  The girl with the flowing hair remains but the words “Starbuck’s Coffee” have been replaced by “The Most Expensive Flavored Hot Water in the World.”

Last week, a bank robber held up a Virginia bank disguised as Hillary Clinton.  Actually, he’s committed a rash of bank jobs in several states.  The F.B.I. has dubbed him “The Pantsuit Bandit.”

THURSDAY, January 6, 2011

Donald Trump told “Fox & Friends” he’ll run for president against Obama in 2012 as a Republican.  He already has a campaign motto he claims was inspired by Teddy Roosevelt:  “Walk Softy and Carry a Big Comb.”

A federal court ruled that a woman can sue Disney’s Epcot Center for being groped by an employee dressed as Donald Duck.  April Magolon, 27, alleges that the attack left her with nightmares, digestive problems and an uncontrollable desire to fly south for the winter.  

The government of Spain has begun to enforce a ban on smoking in places where people traditionally gather.  People may no longer light up in restaurants, schools, libraries, hospitals or while running with the bulls at Pamplona. 

In rain-soaked Australia facing the worst flooding in 150 years, first it was the water and now massive mudslides are inflicting millions in damage.  This week, they got so bad, the “Outback” is now the “Infront.”

Witchcraft is now a legal profession in Romania thanks to a new law passed by the legislature.  They wanted to use the phrase “Bubble, bubble toil and trouble” but Christine O’Donnell owns the international copyright.

WEDNESDAY, January 5, 2011

In Michigan, an 89-year old man returned a book to the library that he checked out in 1933.   He was assessed an overdue fine of $38,271 and an additional $1.00 for failure to rewind several 8-track tapes he borrowed in 1958.  

There are unconfirmed reports out of London that ABBA has been hired to perform at Prince William’s wedding.  Close, but actually it’s Meryl Streep who’s been asked to sing the score from “Momma Mia.” 

A group of 8-year-old British students published a ground-breaking paper on the behavior of the honey bee.  The study began as a biology class project on birds and bees, but since they already knew about sex, they concentrated on the bees.

A 10-year old Canadian girl has become the youngest astronomer in history to discover a supernova 240 million light years from earth.  The closest an American has come was last summer when a 10-year old spotted Lindsay Lohan emerging from 24 hours in rehab.

Shaquille O’Neal paid a $35,000 fine for dissing referees after the Celtics loss on Christmas.  No telling what he’ll be fined for riding on the  “Help Cure Blind NFL Refs” float in the Rose Parade. 

TUESDAY, January 4, 2011

Fish & Game officials are investigating why hundreds of blackbirds suddenly fell from the sky near Little Rock, Arkansas.  Eye-witnesses reported that several hours earlier they had begun packing up their cares and woes while singing low and waving.

With a $189 million budget, Oprah Winfrey has launched her own cable network called OWN.  Show hosts include Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York and country singer Shania Twain.  Larry King’s show “No Flowers, Please!” will feature no guests -- just Larry lying in state.
   
Calling his career with the Minnesota Vikings “a wonderful experience,” quarterback Brett Favre announced his third and final retirement.  He’ll take a short vacation before reporting for his new job as a genitalia photographer at the Mayo Clinic.

Australia is experiencing its worst flooding in 150 years, covering an area in Queensland larger than France and Germany.  Yesterday, the water level reportedly reached all the way up to Olivia Newton-John’s hyphen.

While violent crime in Los Angeles declined in 2010, crimes against celebrities rose.  Yesterday, I saw a guy on Sunset Boulevard selling “Maps to the Stars Home Invasion Robberies.”

MONDAY, January 3, 2011

After marriage, Prince William and Kate Middleton have vowed to live a normal life without servants and the usual trappings of royalty.  And in the interest of following a more healthy lifestyle, they’ve already canned several Beefeaters.

An investigation has revealed that Lindsay Lohan’s recent altercation with an attendant at the Betty Ford Clinic arose after the staffer hummed “You’ll Take a Stairway to Paradise” every time someone mentioned the Twelve Step program.

After swine flu cases in Ireland tripled, epidemiologists discovered that the H1M1 virus has not only acquired an immunity to alcohol but developed a definite preference for Baileys Irish Cream and Bushmills.

Redevelopment officials in Liverpool, have announced plans to demolish the birthplace of Ringo Starr.  The home on Madryn Street was taken off the market after no buyer could be found who had any use for a yellow submarine dock.

Police departments nationwide are investigating the alleged use of illegal performance-enhancing steroids by their officers.  The trend began several years ago when one of them discovered the drug while guarding the locker room at Yankee Stadium.