Sunday, February 1, 2009

A HOMEY PRAYER COMPANION

It’s been a busy week in my hometown of Lake Misbegotten…

• Deacon Holmquist over at Our Lady of Perpetual Plate-Passing announced during Sunday services that the Ladies Sodality will host a pancake breakfast to help defray Mildred Bumgartner’s rising medical bills. According to the buzz at the Chattering Teeth Café, Mildred had recently confided to friends that she had a date with the stork. No, no, she’s not pregnant -- she had a date with an actual stork she claims she met and fell in love with while on a 4-H Club tour of the new aviary over at Pine Mulch.
  

• Well, her friends thought that a bit odd, so they made an appointment for her at the Amy Semple McPherson Mental Health Clinic & Spa. After administering a series of diagnostic procedures recently developed in Latvia, the docs concluded that Mildred is suffering from what’s referred to within the medical community as mallardiphobia, a rare but not entirely unknown condition whose symptoms include fever, chills and an inordinate desire to experience carnal knowledge with water fowl.
  

• As some of you may recall, a few years back, Mildred was interrogated by sheriff’s deputies at the Botox County Fair after someone reported observing her under the livestock judging bleachers en flagrante delicto with a goose. Unfortunately, the victim was ol’ Homer Billingsley’s prize gander, “Mr. Pecker“ and the unfortunate incident cost him the blue ribbon that year. According to the intel at the Chattering Teeth, the docs at the clinic suspect that Mildred’s problem may have begun right after graduation from Bruno Hauptmann High when she opted to skip college in favor of full-time entry level employment at Foster Farms as a down-sorter. It was there, you’ll recall, that she met her husband-to-be, Harold, who was a beak-separator while supplementing his income selling used lariats to traveling rodeo cowboys.
  

• The couple soon married, settled down and led what appeared to be a normal life -- if you don‘t count the criminal charges, later dropped according to court records, that accused Harold of participating in three-way sex with Leopold and Loeb. Life appeared to improve until the unplanned and totally unexpected arrival of twins Skeeter and Tac dashed their lifelong dream of opening a cleaning service specializing in truck stop restrooms.
  

• It appears that Mildred’s first episode of mental instability occurred just after son Tac turned eighteen. He had expressed a desire for a career in the military, had done well in high school R.O.T.C. and applied to his congressman for an appointment to West Point. Instead, for some reason never fully explained, he received an appointment to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Now you must remember that both Mildred and Harold detested show business, apparently --- and this is pure conjecture at this point --- because Mildred’s mother had committed suicide while working as a social secretary to Fatty Arbuckle.

• Of course, all that can be hoped for now is that Mildred’s mental stability be restored so that she can return to her much-appreciated volunteer job mending prayer shawls at Temple Beth Georgie Jessel. And in a bit of good news toward that end, the National Audubon Society has, bowing to public pressure, dropped their sexual harassment suit. I’m sure we’ll hear all the details at the pancake breakfast following the raffle drawing for two free tickets to "Doubt."

Well, that’s the news from Lake Misbegotten... where all the women are looking for a good way out and all the children are living above the garage.
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[][][] THE HUTONGS OF BEIJING -- While China is currently undergoing one of the largest building booms in its history, the government has protected areas from development which exemplify typical living conditions that have prevailed in China for centuries. These areas, called "hutongs," are made up of compounds called "siheyuan" -- clustered homes built around a common courtyard. The homes comprise maze-like alleys (the longest has more than 20 turns) that were home to generations of Chinese families including that of the well-known Chinese novelist-playwright, Lao She who grew up in a small western hutong in the 1930s and 1940s that is the setting for his best-selling novel "The Four Generations Under One Roof." Life in the hutongs has been the subject of countless Chinese operas and plays ("Teahouse" and "Small Hutong") and are still performed in Beijing's "People's Art Theater." Today, 400,000 residences are located four districts: The East, West, Xuanwu and Chongwen. You can take a full-screen photo-tour of the hutongs at: www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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BLEACHER CREATURES

• In the midst of planning our 1978 Bob Hope special Salute to the 75th Anniversary of the World Series, Hope got a call from Steve Martin who told him he'd heard about the two-hour show, was a longtime baseball fan, and would like to offer his services as a guest. Hope was delighted, of course, because aside from Saturday Night Live, Steve was relatively gun shy about appearing on network television. He had big plans for a career in the movies and TV guest shots were hardly major building blocks for that. But this one, he felt, was a special special. Plus, he knew the reputation of the show's producer, Don Ohlmeyer.
  

• Hope was anxious to grab Steve because he'd appeal to a considerably younger audience than we were used to. Even better as far as we were concerned, he told Hope he had written a short sketch and asked if he'd consider including it. "Send it over," he told Steve. "I'll have the boys look at it." Ordinarily, if a guest wanted to perform his own material, Hope would consider it, but only on the condition that we be allowed to edit and add "Hope touches" where necessary.

• But when we read Steve's script, we were ecstatic, though not surprised. It was a brilliant piece of work that utilized Steve's talents as a magician. (His "Great Flydini " bit was called by Johnny Carson the "greatest magic bit" he'd ever seen on The Tonight Show.) Plus, the sketch would make Hope look good, too.

• The sketch involved a pair of vendors in the stands competing for business. It opened with Hope, alone in the nosebleed section of the cheapest bleachers above center field. "So far from the diamond," he laments, that "when it's one-o'clock down there, it's two-o'clock up here." And sales have been so slow, "I may have to go back to my old job -- teaching."

• Enter Steve, dressed much like Hope and carrying what appears to be an ordinary sales tray supported by a strap around his neck. But he's selling something else. "Elephant traps! Mouse ears! Elephant traps!" Hope looks on, dismayed. A fan comes up to Steve and asks, "Do you have any fright glasses?" Steve reaches into his tray. "Fright glasses, right here." The guy puts them on and the eyeballs attached by springs bounce up and down. He moves off, delighted. Hope says, "How about that. I'm selling nuts and this guy is one."

• Another fan approaches Steve. "Do you have any giraffe leg-warmers?" Steve reaches into his tray and removes a pair of large, knitted socks. "Giraffe leg-warmers. There you go, sir." A woman approaches both and asks, "Does anyone have a metal detector?" Hope says, "What kind of idiot would have a metal detector?" Steve pipes up. "I've got one!" Hope says, "That's the kind of idiot!" Steve removes a full-size metal detector and hands it to the woman who immediately begins using it.
  

• Hope moves over to Steve and says, "Mind if I ask you something?" Steve says, "Not at all." Hope says, "Well, I've been working here all day and haven't made a sale. You come up here with all this crazy stuff and they can't get enough of it. What's your secret?" Steve says, "Market research. I figured if people are willing to pay to sit this far from a ball game, they'd be willing to buy my crazy stuff." Hope grabs some items from Steve's tray -- "Elephant traps! Mouse ears! Giraffe leg-warmers!" The crowd now engulfs both of them as they can't wait on customers fast enough.

• The visual impact of Steve's sketch was important to its success. How could anyone fit a metal detector into a vendor's tray? It wasn't an ordinary tray. Steve had rigged it so that, from the vantage point of the camera, it would appear to be an ordinary tray. As he'd done for his Great Flydini routine, reaching into his unzipped fly to remove an egg, a rabbit, a dove and other unexpected items, he had performed a carefully prepared, well-designed magic trick. It was a great addition to the show and, best of all, it had a strong blackout.

(Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope’s Incredible Gag Writers available soon from Bear Manor Media at www.bearmanormedia.com)
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[][][] Silk was discovered in China in 2640 B.C. by Empress Xi Ling Shi, if one chooses to believe Confucius. During our 2007 voyage up the Yangkze, we visited the city of Suzhou on the "Silk Road" located about midway between Nanjing and Shanghai. This is the rug capital of China and weavers there still turn out exquisite rugs from designs dating back centuries. They can take as many as five years to produce, weavers toiling in shifts around the clock. No surprise that today, China produces about half of the world's silk. Photos include workers extracting silk strands from the caterpillar larvae that produce it, weavers and embroiderers fashioning rugs and wall hangings; and colorful examples of their handiwork. See it all at: www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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HUMAN RESOURCES REDUCTION

The Real McCoys, produced by Danny Thomas, aired on ABC Television from 1957 to 1963. The show, one of the most successful early sitcoms, starred Walter Brennan as Grampa, Richard Crenna as his son, Luke, and Kathy Nolan as Luke’s wife, Kate. They had two kids, Hassie and Little Luke and a handyman named Pepino.

Many of the scripts for The Real McCoys were written by my friend, the late Everett Greenbaum and his partner Jim Fritzell. In his delightful autobiography The Goldenberg Who Couldn’t Dance (Harcourt Brace Janovich 1980), Ev wrote this passage which, I think, sums up the ephemeral quality of success in Hollywood.
The audience watching a successful TV show in one evening is larger than the total audience for the entire run of most movies. An actor appearing weekly in a series receives overwhelming fame and adulation. If he appears in a public place, mobbing is possible. New friends come out of the woodwork. Hangers-on tell him that he alone is responsible for the popularity of the show; never mind the writers, the other actors, the director, producer and film editors.

Now, since he is well known, he gets offers to appear in motion pictures and plays, the things he has always wanted to do. But instead, he is a prisoner in a dark, drafty TV sound stage for 60 hours a week. His agents and business managers step in. The actor is unhappy. More money is demanded and granted. The unhappiness persists. New demands! A lush dressing room. More time off. And so forth. This is the injustice syndrome.

On The Real McCoys, Kathy Nolan, who played Kate, had it bad. After several years on the show, she refused to renew her contract unless she got even more money, script approval. And the opportunity to direct. Irving Pincus [the Pincus brothers, Norman and Irving, produced the show] called us in. “Boys,” he said, “at the opening of the next show, Grampa and Luke have just returned from Kate’s funeral. Go home and write it as fast as you can.” As we went out the door, he stopped us. “As long as you’re at it, let’s drop the kids. Little Luke can be away in the Army and Hassie’s off to college.”

I’ll never forget the opening line we wrote for the next script. Grampa and Luke come in the front door. “I just don’t understand it, Grampa,” Luke says. “It all happened so fast!”

(ED NOTE: Only in Hollywood... )
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[][][] In the Spring of 1974, two farmers in XiYang, China were digging a well and discovered pottery fragments that archeologists later determined were 2200 years old. Further excavation revealed the burial site of the Qin and Han Dynasty mauseleums containing (at a depth of 20 feet) 8,000 life size pottery warriors and horses arrayed in battle formation. So far, 10,000 weapons including brass, bronze and nickel daggers, spears and cross-bows have been recovered. You can view these statues and artifacts in full-screen photographs taken in June, 2007 by the author at the Terra Cotta Museum, China's largest on-site museum. To view the photos and the accompanying commentary, go to:
www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!

PASADENA, CALIFORNIA -- Celebrating its 120th anniversary, over one million spectators huddled along the 5 1/2 mile route of the annual Rose Parade & Pageant on a clear, crisp, sunny day that was never threatened by the rain that drenched the event in 2006 . Led by Grand Marshal Cloris Leachman, this year's theme, "Hat's Off to Entertainment!", was evident in the 46 exquisitely decorated floats, 22 marching bands and 18 equestrian units. More than 60 million people worldwide viewed the parade on television.

As expected, not all the floats were able to meet the stringent standards imposed by the white-suited Tournament of Roses Committee and were ordered withdrawn. Among this year's rejects:

• The National Rifle Association's "America Locked and Loaded" which used an array of multi-colored hydrangea to recreate "Duck Hunt" depicting a giant effigy of Dick Cheney in calla lilies administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a fellow nimrod he's just peppered with buckshot of peach lentil seeds. Rose pedal blood flows copiously into a river polluted by offshore oil wells of Japanese bamboo shoots lashed together with Manila hemp from the Philippines. Golden retrievers of gladioli scamper about, the lead dog, Dick's beloved "Waterboard," with a battery-powered, portable heart defibrillator strapped to his back.

• "The Big Three Jamboree" co-sponsored by General Motors, Chrysler and Ford along with the City of Detroit featured simulated corporate jets of silver buttercups with executives of all three automakers waving to irate taxpayers with animated raised fists below. Hundred dollar bills of pressed parsley waft from the chimney of a replica of the U.S. Senate Chambers in pampas grass and goldenrod. Special guest, Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, stands on the front steps, conducting an auction of Senate seats as lobbyists and hack politicians led by Fred Thompson -- all made of heather and antheriam -- excitedly place their bids.

• Sparklettes goes international with their multi-layered, animated, long overdue "Up Your Organized Religion" entry. All cults and sects are colorfully represented in flora indigenous to their home countries. Pope Benedict XVI sits on his throne of golden chrysanthemums, adorned in a cape of purple dendrobiam as he sprinkles Sparklettes specially imported from Lourdes on the wheel-chaired and crutched peasants below. On a lower tier, Mormon missionaries wearing magic underwear of white Zenia, kneel before a statue of Mitt Romney in heather, sesame seeds and tulips. The Reverends (some more than others) Al Sharpton, Jerry Falwell, Rick Warren, Bob Schuller and James Dodson circumnavigate the float's lower perimeter in Rolls-Royce Silver Clouds of bougainvillea, turnip seeds and sun flowers.

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IN MEMORIAM

Among the luminaries being remembered at year's end were Tim Russert, Heath Ledger, Eartha Kitt, Roy Scheider, Charlton Heston, Suzanne Pleshette, George Carlin, Harold Pinter, Michael Crichton, William F. Buckley, Sunny von Bulow, Sir Edmund Hillary, Studs Turkel, Isaac Hayes, Bo Diddly, Bobby Fischer, Eddy Arnold, Sydney Pollack, Yves St. Laurent, Cyd Chrisse and Steve Fossett.

For others, the initial reports of their deaths later proved, thankfully, erroneous,

• During an interview for Vanity Fair Magazine, Larry King suffered a massive stroke while attempting to remember how many times he's been married.
  

• While emphasizing the ridiculously low price of one of her faux diamond necklaces on QVC, Joan Rivers exclaimed "May God strike me dead!" and he did.

• During a rehearsal of "Wheel of Fortune," Vanna White stumbled while carrying an inordinately tall stack of letters and was crushed by tiles "L" through "Z."

• Donald Trump was decapitated when a bomb hidden in his hair detonated. Police theorized it was placed there by Ariana Huffington when he sent it out to be cleaned.

• Working alone in a mid-Manhattan brownstone walk up, Joe the Plumber drowned while attempting to clear a clogged toilet with a bent coat hanger

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