WEDNESDAY, December 1, 2010

For the first time in its hallowed, 83-year history, the Academy Awards will be hosted by a pair of non-comedians.  That ripping sound you hear is Bob Hope, Johnny Carson and Billy Crystal tearing up their Academy cards.

The new York City School Board has authorized a Manhattan high school to maintain a drug clinic on campus.  And all this time, we thought those kids on “Glee” were getting high on music. 

Wesley Snipes, doing time in the federal pen for tax evasion, already has a pen-pal.  Martha Stewart is giving him tips on easy-to-make holiday cell block decorations.

A fruit grower in Japan discovered that bananas ripen faster when Mozart symphonies are played near them.  They also tried the Rolling Stones, but the banana skins ended up with more wrinkles than Keith Richards.

Long haul Department of Energy truckers with top-level security clearances were recently arrested for drinking while transporting nuclear warheads cross-country.  They were charged with WMD-DUI.

TUESDAY, November 30, 2010

President Obama announced that he’s recommending a freeze on pay raises for federal employees.  You have to admit it takes a lot of guts to cut the income of the guy who’s about to remove your stitches.

Tiger Woods writes in a Newsweek article that he’ll remake his image and turn his life around.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is he texted the entire article from the Grotto of Eros at the Playboy Mansion.

Actor Wesley Snipes has been sentenced to three years in federal prison for tax evasion.  On a brighter note, he’s already been cast for the lead in Leavenworth’s inmate production of “The Taxman Cometh.”

Archeologists digging in Hunan Province unearthed a fossilized bowl of noodles believed to have been prepared in a Chinese restaurant 2500 years ago.  Must be authentic -- a sign scratched on nearby wall says “No MSG.”

Inventor Steve Sasson was recently honored in Washington for his development of the digital camera.  He admitted he almost gave up when he got the idea for the mega pixel, opened the newspaper, and saw a cheaper one at Frys.  

MONDAY, November 29, 2010

Barack Obama required twelve stitches on his lip after being injured while playing pick-up basketball with friends.  The  Secret Service agent closest to him resigned in disgrace, charged with refusing to take an elbow for the president.

Three teenage boys from  an island off the coast of New Zealand were adrift in a rowboat for six weeks, surviving on nothing but one raw fish, a seagull and rainwater.  Out of habit, Carnival Cruise Lines sent them a check for $5000 and an apology.

Responding to the public’s accusations of unnecessary groping by their employees, the TSA issued a warning to all male travelers to report any agent who asks you to turn your head and cough.      

The FDA has banned all ingredients in artificial marijuana, warning users that the substances can cause nausea, dizziness, death and worse, an insatiable desire to wear polyester.

Following Hollywood’s insistence on remaking classics, Warner Brothers has announced it will take a crack at ’The Wizard of Oz.”  PETA has already appealed to them to rename the Cowardly Lion the “Courage Challenged Lion.”

FRI, SAT, SUN, November 26, 27, 28

Queen Elizabeth I promised to pay for her son’s wedding but will pass on the record security tab to the taxpayers.  Can’t really blame her.  Her attitude is “You made Amy Winehouse famous, now you pay to keep her out.”

Grateful Dead founder Jerry Garcia’s California manse is up for sale  with an asking price of $4 million, even though the rock legend bought it for $250,000.  There’s a good chance Jerry’s no longer grateful to be dead.

Undercover vice officers in New York City recently arrested several chess players in Central park and charged them with illegal gambling.  The international Chess Federation just approved a new opening move --  “Bishop to Precinct 47.”

Sarah Palin told Fox News “I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry today, of journalism and I have a communications degree.”  Please -- working summers stringing telephone cable for Exxon hardly qualifies as a communications degree.

When asked by a reporter if he’d ever consider a presidential run, Donald Trump admitted that he hasn’t ruled it out in 2012.  Political pundits will be watching closely to see if he really intends to toss his hair in the ring.

THANKSGIVING DAY, November 25, 2010

Cops in San Diego have an APB out for a 78-year old bank robber they nicknamed the “Geezer Bandit.”   He was positively identified through  surveillance cameras and demand notes scrawled on the backs of bingo cards.

After four decades as the “Today Show” movie reviewer, Gene Shallit, retired.  Before he gathered his possessions and left the premises, security personnel found the mummified remains of three production assistants and Hugh Downs in his hair.

ABC aired the first holiday special, “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”  Next week, TLC will air “A Talent Deprived Christmas” in which Paris Hilton and Bristol Palin decorate the Kardashians.

Desperate to find measures to avoid bankruptcy, Irish officials for the first time are charging tourists to kiss the Blarney Stone  --  and if they pay cash, they’re also allowed to grope it.

To decrease their attractiveness to children, health officials in the UK have proposed removing labels from tobacco products in favor of a plain, brown packet.  Apparently, they’ve forgotten how their 1944 ban on toothpaste labels worked out.

WEDNESDAY, November 24, 2010

Some Ohio legislators are catching flack over their proposal to place a limit on a condemned prisoner’s last words.  In their defense, some death row inmates were taking advantage.  Recently, one asked permission to deliver an after last meal speech.

Following the example of Queen Elizabeth I and the Queen Mother, Prince William and Kate Middleton will marry on April 29 at Westminster Abbey in London.  Plans for a honeymoon in South Korea are being reconsidered.

Russell Crowe’s latest film “The Next Three Days” suffered an anemic $6.8 million opening weekend.  Tough news for Aussies.  For Russell and Mel Gibson, Matilda’s just not waltzing to the bank anymore.

This week, a bill was introduced in the Senate offering their president and tie-vote breaker Joe Biden a happy birthday.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is John Boehner introduced a bill to veto it.

In his new book, Pope Benedict XVI implies that in selected cases, the use of condoms will no longer be considered a mortal sin.  Unfortunately, the relaxed rule applies only to priests, but it’s a start.

TUESDAY, November 23, 2010

For the first time, a six-pound Chihuahua managed to pass the exam to become a police dog in Japan.  Officials say “Momo” will be used to search cramped spaces during earthquake rescues and to pat down Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua at the airport. 
 
Based on to recent discoveries, anthropologists now believe Neanderthal Man enjoyed a robust sex life.   Evidence included DNA samples, bone fragments, and a message carved on the wall of a cave that said “For a good time, smoke signal Oggette.”

An executive from BP recently told reporters that gulf shrimps and oysters suffered no harm from the oil well leak.  No harm?  Last week, a New Orleans gas station attendant told me I was three shrimps low.

A number of oil paintings seized by the Nazis as “decadent” were discovered stored in a Berlin attic.  Among the artworks found were “Whistler’s Jewish Doctor,” and Salvador Dali’s “Melting Swastikas.”

An auto dealer in Florida is offering truck buyers a free AK-47 with their purchase.  Good luck.  Young males can join the Army, drive a Humvee with plenty of AK-47s and shoot people legally.

MONDAY, November 22, 2010

One of Chicago’s favorite sons, former Bear quarterback Jim McMahon has tested positive for game-related memory loss.  His condition came to light when he couldn’t remember the names of the dead people he cast votes for in the last election.

The entire Beatles song catalogue is available for the first time on iTunes.  Several songs have been re-mastered for younger listeners --  like “Will you still love me when I’m 64?” is now “… when I’m 87?”

The o,nce profitable sleaze rag National Enquirer Magazine is in Chapter 11 bankruptcy.  According to court records, the magazine has assets of $22.3 million and owes 458,671 retractions.

Two hundred buffed and ready seniors recently competed in L.A.’s 20th Annual Senior Olympics.  Events included the “50 Meter Cane Relay,” the “Cross-Country Catheter Carry” and the “100 meter Hop, Skip and Wheeze.”

Holiday Inns nationwide have been given a billion dollar upgrade.
The new amenities include in-room I-pods for businessmen, complimentary video games for the kids, and the rock star suites come pre-trashed.

FRi, SAT, SUN, November 19, 20, 21

Warner Bros. will release the seventh Harry Potter adventure on the same day Pope Benedict delivers his annual holiday message.  They have a lot in common.  One dazzles his followers with amazing feats of magic and occult wizardry and the other is -- well -- Harry Potter.   

The Swedish government complained that American Embassy employees had been eves-dropping on Swedes.  They withdrew the complaint after Hillary Clinton explained they were just trying to figure out “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.”

Following McDonald's lead, Burger King now offers gourmet coffee.  The fast food latte and cappuccino fad is on fire.  Last week, a guy was arrested in a Wendy's parking lot selling Starbucks knockoffs out of the trunk of his car.

Many of Italy’s most popular tourist sites including the Coliseum, Nero’s Golden Palace in Rome, and the frescoed house in Pompeii are on the brink of imminent collapse.  Looks like they may not even last as long as Tony Bennett.

A soft drink bottler in the south has come up with bacon-flavored soda.  Best part is you don’t have to drink it -- you can also sprinkle it on salads and baked potatoes.

THURSDAY, November 18, 2010

TLC‘s “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” is taped at her house in Wasilla.  President Putin warned Obama that it’s a violation of the SALT Treaty if they train their cameras on Russia.

I-pad will soon offer an app that can be used to test the user for undetected STDs.  Apparently, science will stop at nothing to protect innocent young girls from Brett Favre.

In a new ad blitz, KFC is paying college co-eds to wear tailored sweats with the Colonel’s logo on their rear bumper.  Too bad JayLo isn’t college age -- she could have made enough to pay for all four years.

In his memoirs, George W. Bush admits that he’s a recovering alcoholic.  Which may explain why he refers to torture as a twelve-step program for terrorists.

During his recent appearance on her show, George W. Bush told Oprah that he  retains a childlike belief that all of his dreams will come true.  In fact, during the interview, he reached under his seat expecting to find Osama Bin Laden. 

WEDNESDAY, November 17, 2010

It’s official!  Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged to be wed in early spring or summer.  If you’re of a mind to send a gift, they’re registered at “Moats R Us” and “Bed, Bath & Balmoral Castle.”

A supermarket butcher in London was arrested for cheating customers by resting her left breast on the meat scale.  Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the British pound, doesn’t it?

Victoria’s Secret has unveiled a $2 million bra that’s studded with diamonds, sapphires and rubies.  Sounds like something Kobe could give his wife to forgive him for an entire season on the road.

Lady Gaga is reportedly about to debut a new fragrance.  Insiders who’ve sampled it say it falls somewhere between thinly-sliced lean pastrami and a veal cutlet sauteed in shallots and a robust burgundy wine sauce.

Chinese wedding photographers are refusing requests to take pictures of the couple nude.  It’s a fad over there. Wedding vows written by the newlyweds often end with “I now pronounce you man and wife.  You may shag the bride.”

TUESDAY, November 16, 2010

Officials in the UK hired Ronald McDonald and the Colonel to help formulate a program that will alert Brits to the health dangers of obesity.  Isn’t that a little like asking the pope to help screen Cub Scout camp counselors?   

Chili’s new “Southern Smokehouse Burger” with 2090 calories, 127 fat grams and 6310 mgs of sodium has been crowned fast food’s unhealthiest menu item.   The state of Texas has already used it on three death row inmates.

Boeing has sold thirty 787 jumbo passenger jetliners to Air India.  They’ll be the first to offer international passengers a special, low-cost “Gandhi Class.”  You get a pillow, a sheet and no food.

The new film “127 Hours” is about a rock climber who gets lodged between two boulders and cuts off his arm to survive.  The sequel, due out next year, covers the lawsuit he files against himself for amputating the wrong one.

Francis Ford Coppola has been given a Lifetime Oscar from the Motion Picture Academy.  Looks like Hollywood has finally forgiven him for casting his daughter Sophia in Godfather III.

MONDAY, November 15, 2010

During President Obama’s visit to Mumbai, when he was told that Indian widows often throw themselves on their husband’s funeral pyre, Michelle leaned over and said, “Don’t look at me.”

An Andy Warhol painting of a Coke bottle sold at auction for $35 million, joining his Campbell’s soup can as his most valuable works.  Andy was way ahead of his time.  These days, Campbell’s Soup and a Coke is what most Americans call “dinner.“

Scientists have discovered a species of cricket that has the largest testicles in relation to its body size.  Sound engineers confirmed that the noise crickets make at night is actually “ouch, ouch, ouch…”

For a limited time, McDonald’s is offering a pork McRib sandwich. The company has a biblical story for children printed right there on the box.  Suffice to say, it involves McAdam and McEve.

Fulfilling a lifelong dream, Betty White was named an official Forest Ranger.  She’ll be the spokesperson for their new motto “Only You Can Prevent Cruise Ship Engine Room Fires.”

FRI, SAT, SUN, November 12, 13, 14, 2010

As feared, New York’s infestation of bedbugs has reached the United Nations Building.  But it may not be as bad as it sounds.  In some Third World countries, bedbugs are referred to as “room service.”

According to stats compiled by the AKC, the most popular dog in the U. S. is the Labrador retriever.  Among specific groups, the most appealing dog among male college students is the last girl in the bar at closing time.

A new study shows that people who put family ahead of their career come out ahead.  Especially if their business is family-oriented...  like shoplifting, Medicare fraud, or welfare scamming.

Chinese computer scientists have developed a high-speed memory chip capable of 2,500 trillion calculations per second.  Only stumped once -- it’s been unable to correctly identify any of Nancy Pelosi’s original facial characteristics.

In response to the recent discovery that excessive use of laptop computers can damage the skin on the upper thighs, Toshiba has debuted their new “Cool Daddy 250” with a refillable radiator under the keyboard.

THURSDAY, November 11, 2010

Boasting 20,000 square feet, Disney has opened their largest store in Manhattan.   The opening coincides with the premiere of their latest animated feature, “Bedbugs & Broomsticks.”

A Napalese cell phone server has installed a tower near the summit of Mt. Everest so climbers can keep in touch with their loved ones.  In fact, they offer several unique features such as “call scaling” and “Sherpa ID.”

Sports inventor James Naismith’s handwritten “Rules of the Game of Basketball” are on the auction block.  There are a few surprises like Rule #10 which reads:  “Married players caught fooling around must give their wife a diamond ring.”

A dental plate once worn by the Montreal Canadiens legend Yvan Cournoyer -- up for sale on the auction block -- was shattered when a hockey puck, also up for auction, was dropped on it.

Northern California’s city by the bay has become the first in the nation to ban toys in McDonalds Happy Meals.  And none too soon.  One San Francisco McDonalds was about to include boy toys.

WEDNESDAY, November 10, 2010

The 3,000-passenger Carnival Splendor was towed to Ensanada, Mexico after an engine room fire disabled the kitchen.  The survivors subsisted on what was left of the Midnight Buffet cut into 3,000 pieces and by licking the water slide.

General Motors has retired their beloved Mr. Goodwrench who’s been sent to Miami’s “Easy Living” 'Toon Retirement Village where he’ll join long-term residents the Man From Glad, Mr. Clean, and the Tidy Bowl Man.

Under the TSA’s new guidelines, palm-backward pat-down searches are now allowed on clothed breasts and genitalia.  That’s all male travelers need to hear from a smart-mouth female screener -- a backhanded compliment.

A Starbucks store in Seattle is experimenting with offering beer and wine.  Their accountants discovered that if they use the same profit margin they apply to their coffee, a long-neck Bud would go for $29.95.

Stripped of his PGA card, golfer John Daly told reporters that he plans to join the European Tour.  He should fit right in over there.  In Scotland, purses are paid in Guinness Stout.

TUESDAY, November 9, 2010

Lindsay Lohan tells Vanity Fair Magazine that she’ll debut a new couture clothing line this fall -- “Lindsay’s Therapy Threads” will include separate outfits color-coordinated for each of the 12 steps, accessorized with a solid platinum ankle alarm bracelet from Tiffany.

In their biggest debut ever, wax statues of Lady Gaga will be unveiled simultaneously in eight Madame Tussaud’s locations throughout the world.   All will be in museums except the U.S. which will be in an Armor Star meat packing plant. 

Queen Elizabeth now has her own Facebook page.  The octogenarian monarch is really into the latest technology.  Now when she confers a knighthood, instead of tapping you with a sword, she Twitters you.

The costume worn by Darth Vader in the “Star Wars” films will be auctioned by Christies.  Interested bidders are expected to include Donald Trump who has already purchased Carrie Fisher’s hair.

Vowing to outdo Catholics in Rio, Polish Catholics erected the tallest statue of Christ the Redeemer in the world.  Next, they’ll challenge the Vatican with a portrait of The Last Supper that includes the maitre d‘.

MONDAY, November 8, 2010

Six-year old filly phenom Zenyatta failed to win the Breeders Cup Classic by a nose, falling short of a perfect 20-0 record before retiring.  She’s headed for the glue factory, but on a brighter note -- the Super Glue factory.

In Mumbai, President Barack Obama conducted high-level talks with Indian officials on the balance of trade, import quotas, and why his MP3s aren’t downloading properly -- while the talks were monitored for quality assurance.

Sixties teeny-bop throb David Cassidy was arrested and charged with a DUI.   After being booked, the cops gave him one phone call and out of habit, he called Florence Henderson.

Plans are being finalized for a long-awaited Disney theme park in Shanghai.  New characters joining the familiar gang will include Mickey Mao, Peking Duck and an eighth Dwarf --  “Noodles.”
 
Former sportscaster and nightly poli-commentator  Keith Olbermann has been canned by MSNBC.  Keith had been on thin ice for quite awhile -- ever since he included Mother Teresa on his “Worst Person in the World” list.

FRI, SAT, SUN, November 5, 6, 7

Female barbers in Australia are now legally allowed to work topless.  It’s proving to be popular among male customers, but costly.  The barbers have to hire dental hygienists to control the drooling.

Reluctantly, Sony announced that it will no longer make the Walkman cassette recorder.  It was bad enough when the Walkman started using a cane, but when he started pulling around an oxygen tank…

The oft-sued National Enquirer Magazine, successor to its muckraking predecessor Confidential, announced it will file bankruptcy -- then, purely out of habit, printed a retraction.

The Supreme Court refused to stay an execution because the chemicals in the lethal injection are imported from Europe, ruling that socialized medicine’s chemicals are usually better than ours for killing people.

The NFL is conducting hearings into Brett Favre’s unsavory off-the-field activities.  When Brett testified under oath, the judge allowed him to use his own bible -- AARP Magazine.

THURSDAY, November 4, 2010

LaShawn Merritt was banned from the London Games after testing positive for a substance found in Viagra.  Why would a runner need Viagra?  A pole vaulter, maybe -- but a runner?

Cher tells the December issue of Vanity Fair that Sonny should be enshrined in the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame.  They probably should re-name her, too -- since she got in at least four faces ago.

Children now spend  an average of five hours daily glued to the tube.  Retailers are responding.  Panasonic's new “HD-Preteen Flat Panel 500” features a thumb-operated remote that’s shaped like a Play Station. 

The Crystal Cathedral declared bankruptcy.  Remember the money-changers Jesus chased out of the temple?  Looks like one of their descendants saddled the Rev. Schuller with an illegal sub-prime mortgage.

In Spain, A 10-year-old Romanian girl gave birth to a baby fathered by a 13-year old.  All over a misunderstanding.  He asked her if she was on the pill and she thought he meant Flintstones.

WEDNESDAY, November 3, 2010

Charlie Sheen has filed for divorce from his third wife, Brooke Mueller, but he shouldn’t suffer too much financially.  Luckily, Charlie had smart lawyers who insisted she sign a pre-rehab.

Pittsburgh’s KDAK, the nation’s first radio station, is ninety years old this week.  On November 2, 1920, the station’s first historic words were broadcast:  “We’ll be right back after this message.”

A judge ordered Lindsay Lohan back to the Betty Ford until January  which means she’ll spend Christmas there.  That’s not so bad.  Last year’s passion play starred Charlie Sheen, Randi Quaid and Mel Gibson as the Three Wise Men.

In Ohio, the owner of a McDonalds was accused of stuffing employees’ pay envelopes with Republican propaganda.  He was probably preparing them for their next Republican message:  “Your minimum wage has been canceled.”

Scientists at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center have produced a mini-human liver in the laboratory using stem cells.  Further testing is necessary, but so far they’re working splendidly in alcoholic mice.

TUESDAY, November 2, 2010

Tiger Woods has been stripped of his top position in the golf rankings by Britisher Lee Westwood.   And it came early for Tiger this year -- he usually isn’t ejected from the driver’s seat until Thanksgiving.

…  He's been busy texting his amended resume to 87 bimbos.

British meteorologists are predicting the coldest winter in ten centuries.  They base this on barometric pressure, rainfall data, and the clincher was when Amy Winehouse emerged from rehab and saw her shadow.

Celebrating two decades on television, Jerry Springer got the highest honor his audience could bestow -- when he walked on stage, they threw Charlie Sheen at him.

Keith Richards’s memoir “Stone Me” is selling well even though numerous readers report a strange phenomenon.   If it’s left by itself on a book shelf, it trashes the shelf.

Deported Russian spy Anna Chapman posed in her underwear for Maxim Magazine has landed another assignment. She’ll be the centerfold as “Miss Gulag” in the December issue of KGB Magazine.