MONDAY, October 6, 2008

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Linguists with the American Bible Society have translated the good book into five languages. Their "Biblia Polyglotta" will be presented to Pope Benedict XVI next week. The languages include Gibberish, Mumbo-Jumbo, Pig Latin, Razzle Dazzle and Jive.

ROME, ITALY -- Giovanni Bisignani, head of the International Air Transportation Association, warns that at least 20 international air carriers are facing bankruptcy. Most at risk are Darfur Vacation Charters, Burmuda Triangle Air Service and Calcutta Sacred Cow Jet Transport, Inc.

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA -- Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has vetoed a bill that would have designated Harvey Milk's birthday a "day of significance." Well, if he plans any more Terminator movies, he can kiss off hair, makeup and wardrobe.

SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA -- Nick Reynolds, who along with Dave Guard and Bob Shane founded the Grammy-winning folk group The Kingston Trio, died at age 75. Following a brief memorial service, he was not buried but instead will roam forever 'neath the streets of Boston with the man who'll never return.

ATHENS, GREECE -- Jacques Rogge, IOC president, says the global financial crisis will not effect the Winter Olympics scheduled for 2010 in Vancouver. Well, there will be one small change. The ski jump events will take place from a window ledge.

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH -- A new state law bans fruity alcoholic drinks from grocery and convenience stores. The measure is part of an ongoing campaign that has already banned fruity check-out clerks and baggers.

MADISON, WISCONSIN -- State wildlife officials are considering the removal of the trumpeter swan from the Endangered Species List. Just in time for the holidays. Nothing like gathering the family around a perfectly roasted trumpeter swan with all the trimmings.


"I'm the master of low expectations." 1/04/2003

"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption" 9/23/2002

"Sometimes when I sleep at night, I think of Dr. Seuss's Hop on Pop." 4/02/2002

"I've coined new words like 'misunderstanding' and 'Hispanically'." 3/29/2001

George W. Bush

Idiotic quotes courtesy of: www.sourcebooks.com

BIRCHWOOD, TENNESSEE -- A new park will honor 9000 Cherokee Indians forced to march at gunpoint by the Army from the Appalachians to Oklahoma when their reservation was relocated. Dedication of Crowd Control State Park will take place next week.

MUSKOGEE, OKLAHOMA -- Court clerk Jackie Borovetz has been charged with embezzling $340,000 worth of fines imposed by the court. To be fair, she did tell police she wasn't proud to be a dishonest Okie from Muskogee.

PORTLAND, MAINE -- Developers promise that their new resort-casino "will reflect the charm of New England." Yeah, instead of coins the slot machines will accept little neck clams and the keno runners will be dressed in Pilgrim outfits.

MANCHESTER, CONNECTICUT -- Police here nabbed five women who offered sex for money on Craig's List. Perhaps more subtlety might have been in order. Their ad read: "Let us refurbish your floppy and energize your hard drive,"

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA -- Under a bill passed this week, fast food restaurants will be required to post calorie counts beside each menu item. Round Table Pizza will be allowed to use Roman numerals.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS -- Pfizer, Inc. has announced that it will shift its research efforts to improving treatment of diseases like cancer and Alzheimer's. They've been trying to cut costs since Viagra sales softened in the spring and went completely limp during the summer.

MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN -- High-end fashion retailer Valentina, Inc. has sued Oprah Winfrey's mother, Vernita, for $156,000 in unpaid credit card bills. Probably wasn't a good idea for Vernita to shop at a store Oprah owns.
[] [] [] Bob's book, THE LAUGH MAKERS, which recalls his two decades on the road with Bob Hope, will be available soon from Bear Manor Media. It's a delightful, side-splitting journey back to the sketch comedy of television's Golden Age -- a long-ago era of variety, song and dance, brilliant patter and a seemingly endless parade of laughs sprung from the genius of "gag men," that talented gang of wit-blessed wordsmiths to whom the book pays well-deserved homage. Jam-packed with stories, anecdotes and unretouched photos, THE LAUGH MAKERS recalls the often-hilarious, sometimes heartwarming and always touching tales of the legendary stars who guested on The Bob Hope Show. Watch for the publication date on www.bearmanormedia.com and be sure to secure your copy early.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Department of the Interior has added 47 new species to the Endangered Species List. It now protects 1,488 plant species, 3,622 animal species, 941 insect species and six savings & loans.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Under a new policy, Medicare will withhold payments to hospitals who commit medical errors. In laymens' terms, that means for example that Barbara Bush wouldn't have been reimbursed for birthing George.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS -- Tenants at the posh Sears Tower are given the use of free bicycles to get around the traffic-clogged business district. The catch is, if they want to avoid shredding their Armani suit pants in the chain, they can rent a bicycle clip for $25 an hour.

TAMPA, FLORIDA -- The publisher of Creative Loafing Magazine has filed for bankruptcy. Actually, he started last March, but he can barely manage filling out two forms a week.

PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA -- Landlord Thomas Daley, 45, has been charged with 2000 counts of illegally videotaping female tenants. Tom told police he thought the girls knew what they were getting into when they moved into the "Deep Throat Arms," specially since every unit has a green door.

GREENWICH, CONNECTICUT -- Now that the courts have ruled they must open their pristine beaches to the public, the local snoots are considering a proposal to build their own private swimming pool. And if it ever gets peed in, the pee better be blue.

CROSETT, ARKANSAS -- Marshall J. Kelley, 46, director of curriculum at Crosett High School has been charged with dealing cocaine. District authorities became suspicious when they noticed students were signing up for his classes as early as the fifth grade.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Inspector General of the Department of Health and Human Services has found that 90% of nursing homes provide sub-standard care to the elderly. Worst offenders appear to be Cleveland's Pulverized Hip and IV World o' Healing and Atlanta's Happy Sutures Bedsore Convalescent Villa.
[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Upcoming schedule:

10/9 Larry David Interviewed by David Steinberg
10/16 Review of "The Doctors"
10/23 Review of "Little Britain"

password: independence

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- A new state law allows licensed handgun owners to pack heat in state parks, in restaurants and on public transportation. Never know when you'll run into a bear at T.G.I. Friday's who got there on the bus.

RAVENSBURG, GERMANY -- The world's largest jigsaw puzzle covered 6500 square feet, had 1,141,800 pieces and took five hours to assemble. Finished, it turned out to be a photo of Sarah Palin explaining the Wall Street Bailout.

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA -- According the the DMV, the state has 213 licensed drivers over the age of 100. With all his money, wouldn't you think Regis would hire a chauffeur?

TOKYO, JAPAN -- At 113, Tomoji Tanaba is believed to be the oldest person on earth. He admits he owns nine pagodas and 13 rickshaws.

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA -- Faced with budget shortfalls, personnel problems and public apathy, NASA may have to suspend any further missions. Maybe it's time for "Beijing, we have a problem."

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Following a 42% drop in it stock, Citi Group has purchased Wachovia Bank's 4300 branches and $600 billion in deposits for $2.1 billion. To sweeten the deal, the sale includes its pizza franchise financing subdivision, Anchovia.


Katie Couric: Aside from Roe vs. Wade, what other Supreme Court decisions have you disagreed with?

Sarah Palin: Well, let's see. There's of course in the great history of America's rulings -- there have been rulings -- that's never going to be absolute consensus by every American, and there are those issues again like Roe vs. Wade where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know, going through the history of America, there would be others, but ...

Katie Couric: Like which decisions?

Sarah Palin: Well, I could think of any again that could be best dealt with on a more local level -- maybe I would take issue with. But you know as mayor, as governor and even as vice president if I'm so privileged to serve, wouldn't be in a position of changing those things but in supporting the law of the land as it reads today.
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MONROE, WASHINGTON -- An armored car guard was held up by a robber who grabbed his bag of cash, jumped onto an inner tube and escaped on the Skykomish River. Several miles downstream, he was met by an accomplice and drove off with someone witnesses said resembled the Michelin man.

PORTLAND, OREGON -- A jury didn't believe Joy Sartin, 25, a lingerie model who claimed she forgot her wallet when she handed a cop $270 from her bra during a traffic stop. She might have avoided the bribery conviction if she hadn't been wearing a G-string change-maker.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA -- During an interview on Larry King Live, Ben Stein called Bush a "great guy" whose only mistake was appointing Paulson Treasury Secretary. Then he weakened his position by repeating over and over "Ferris Bueller... Ferris Bueller... Ferris Bueller... " while squirting Visine on his private parts.

MANDRAKI, GREECE -- Archaeologists have discovered two stone sculptures built into a sunken harbor wall on the Aegean Sea island Kythnos. The statues, dating from 146 BC to 330 AD, are believed to have stood guard at the entrance to "Nick's Suds 'n' Studs" bath house.

MOSCOW, IDAHO -- University of Idaho cheerleaders will wear more modest outfits after alumni complaints that their tight halter tops and short-shorts were too revealing. The capper came last weekend against Ball State when Idaho was penalized twenty yards for a "wardrobe malfunction."

NEWARK, NEW JERSEY -- Following the demolition of 12 East Park Street, site of the Old Palace Chop House, a commemorative plaque will be placed at the spot where mobster "Dutch" Schultz was gunned down in 1935. He was the last surviving member of the Amsterdam-based Dutch mafia that spent decades battling Al Capone for control of Chicago's wooden shoe factory workers.

WOODLAND HILLS, CALIFORNIA -- House Peters, Jr., who played Procter & Gamble's "Mr. Clean" on scores of TV commercials, has passed away at the age of 92. He'll be laid to rest at Forest Lawn's Eternal Garden of Product Spokesmen between graves of the Jolly Green Giant and Mr. Whipple.

SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA -- Zondervan Publishers will release the New International Version of the bible that will be hand-written by 31,173 Americans. Not to be confused with the new Verizon Edition that will be one long text message.

TUCSON, ARIZONA -- The INS reports that illegal crossings from Mexico to the US have decreased 16%. Americans applying for Mexican citizenship is up 84% with most accepting entry-level positions bussing dishes in cantinas and helping with the chili pepper harvest.
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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.