HAPPY NEW YEAR ISSUE

ALL IN THE FIRST FAMILY

(Episode 1)

(INT. WHITE HOUSE FAMILY QUARTERS)

(PLAY ON: "Hail to the Chief")

(The door opens and the Obamas enter: Barack first
dressed in black tie, followed by Michele and the two
kids, Sasha and Malia, dressed in their Sunday finest.
Barack immediately heads for the couch and plops down.
Michele takes their coats and hangs them in the closet
near the door. The kids rush over to the TV and snap it
on. They sit on the floor to watch the replay.)

BARACK
Whew! What a day. I don't think I've
been this bushed since I integrated Chicago.

MICHELLE
(Mixing drinks at the small bar-on-wheels)
Honey, you looked so presidential taking the
oath.

BARACK
(Studies himself on the TV)
You don't think the stovepipe hat was
too much?

MICHELLE
It was the perfect touch. (Pause)
although I'm glad we talked you out of the
fake beard.

MALIA
(Crawls onto the couch with him)
Daddy, we were all so proud!

BARACK
I know. I got your text message between
"Do you solemnly swear" and "So help me
God."

MICHELLE
(Hands Barack a scotch & soda) I thought I'd die
when Hillary tried to mount the podium
wearing that Joe Biden mask.

BARACK
And Roberts almost fell for it. I caught him
just in time. (laughs) I guess Joe will have
to be sworn in later.

SASHA
(Points to screen) Look, Uncle Joe is still
in the parking lot trying to get through
security.

(SFX: Telephone rings O.S.)

BARACK
Sasha, will you get that, please.

(Sasha rushes off)

BARACK
(to Malia) Malia, did you ever find out
what those lumps under your mattress
were?

MALIA
The Secret Service said they were
crumpled up beer cans.

MICHELLE
I knew we should have asked the Bush twins
to take their beds with them.

(We hear Sasha on the phone in the next room.)

SASHA
Hello? (pause) Hold on, I'll get him. (yells)
It's for you, daddy.

BARACK: Ask who it is.

SASHA
Who's calling? (Pause) (yells) Sarah Palin.

MICHELLE
(Aside to Barack) I thought we were rid of
her. What on earth could she want?

BARACK
Probably an appointment as Ambassador to
Russia since she wouldn't have to leave home.
(to Sasha) Find out what she wants.

SASHA
What do you want? (Pause) She wants to know
if Cheney left any of his shotguns lying around.

MICHELLE
(Aside to Barack) Probably another wedding
in the family.

BARACK
Tell her no, but ask her if she'd be interested
in a used defibrillator.

SASHA
No on the shotgun, but do you want an old
defibrallator? (Pause) She says "What's a
defibrillator?"

MICHELLE
Tell her to look in her current issue of "Cardio
World."

BARACK
(Losing patience) Forget it, Sasha. Just hang up.

SASHA
Sorry, I have to go now. (Sound of hanging up)

(Sasha comes back into the room.)

MALIA
What did she say?

SASHA
"You betcha!"

(Shimmer screen. Scene dissolves, ethereal music under)

(INT. BEDROOM. John and Cindy McCain in a
huge four-poster. John is wearing an old-fashioned
night cap and a chin strap and Cindy's hair is in
curlers. Dentures rest in a glass of water on the
night stand on John's side.)

CINDY
(Shaking him awake) John! John! Wake up.
You were having a nightmare.

JOHN
(Rubs his eyes) Gee, it was so real. Everything
was so clear.

CINDY
Was it the Viet Cong again?

JOHN
No, not this time.

CINDY
The Keating Five investigating committee?

JOHN
No.

CINDY
Joe the Plumber?

JOHN
No.

CINDY
What was it then? What did you see?

JOHN
Honey, I think we lost the election to the Cosbys!

(To be continued...)

HOLIDAY EDITION

AP -- The city of Dartford, England, birthplace of Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jagger, will soon begin naming streets and roads in honor of the group's hits including Dandelion Row, Little Red Walk, Rainbow Close, Cloud Close, Sympathy Street and Stones Avenue.

• The decision of the city fathers recalls the naming of streets in the British city of Buffington after World War II big band hits. Initially popular practice was abandoned after the town's volunteer fire brigade took so long writing down the address, the flaming structure at 11568 Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree With Anyone Else But Me Lane burned to the ground.
  
• The earliest known evidence of such a practice occurred in Rome when Carpethian monks named streets in the Vatican after Top Forty Gregorian Chants. In fact, the pope's residence is still located at the corner of Te Deum Boulevard and Adeste Fidelis Drive.

_____________________________________
[] BROADCAST ALERT! Don't miss tuning in on New Year's morn to hear Bob mike side in Pasadena for a three-hour audio description of the Rose Parade on Colorado Avenue. Broadcast live and commercial-free, the show will reach 2.7 million listeners worldwide via NPR satellite and by live stream over the internet at www.larrs.org. Manned entirely by volunteers, the broadcast is brought to you by the Los Angeles Radio Reading Service for the Blind and kickoff is at 7am Pacific. Don't miss it!
_____________________________________

Rx

A recent article in the medical journal Pharmacotherapy (the November issue with the nude centerfold of Dr. Scholl's mistress), warns that otherwise competent and experienced physicians sometimes prescribe drugs to treat conditions for which the drugs have not been medically approved.and that can, in some cases, harm the patients ingesting them.

• This is by no means a new phenomenon. In 1936, Dr. Irving Pincus, a Pittsburgh rhumatologist, was disciplined for advising a patient to rub his gout-inflicted knee with a live penguin, believing the arctic bird would be close enough to the accepted ground peach pits to provide similar relief. It was approved medical practice at the time to use penguins only to treat acute cases of low self-esteem -- and even then, only after massive doses of pine tar mixed with sow's urine proved ineffective. The careless Dr. Pincus escaped prosecution only after the bird's owner failed, after repeated attempts which stretched over several weeks to identify his penguin in a lineup.
• The earliest known documented case of miss-prescription occurred in 1643 in the English village of Suddenbury-on-the-Thames. Dr. Rodney Pace-Wellington, third Earl of Scheib, was accused by the Knights bridge Constabulary of prescribing live maggots instead of the commonly used leeches. Represented in Magistrates Court by the legendary barrister Bailey of the Balboa, the earl was acquitted after explaining that his wife had inadvertently served them to her guests at a dinner party the night before, believing them to be escargot.
  
• On rare occasions, a drug intended for one purpose has been shown to be more effective for another, only through the empirical evidence produced by its mistaken use. In the 1700s, the most effective treatment for snakebite was believed to be oral extraction of the venom (performed as soon as possible after the bite) by a certified village wench. Tarts could sometimes be substituted, but only if the snake's venom had not yet reached the delicate scrotal tissues. (Sluts could be used only as a last resort). Gradually, news of the treatment got around and breeding venomous reptiles for social purposes became big business. The process was outlawed in 1783, but not before it had become the eighteenth century's version of E-Harmony dot com. Due to the treatment's popularity, snake-bite kits are still referred to in some regions of the south as "strumpets."
  

___________________________________________________________
[] [] [] Bob's book, THE LAUGH MAKERS, which recalls his two decades on the road with Bob Hope, will be available soon from Bear Manor Media. It's a delightful, side-splitting journey back to the sketch comedy of television's Golden Age -- a long-ago era of variety, song and dance, brilliant patter and a seemingly endless parade of laughs sprung from the genius of "gag men," that talented gang of wit-blessed wordsmiths to whom the book pays well-deserved homage. Jam-packed with stories, anecdotes and un-retouched photos, THE LAUGH MAKERS recalls the often-hilarious, sometimes heartwarming and always touching tales of the legendary stars who guested on The Bob Hope Show. Watch for the publication date on www.bearmanormedia.com
___________________________________________________________

AP -- For the first time in forty years,the BBC will not televise Britain's most popular dog show. Organizers of "The Crufts Show" withdrew the program after the BBC aired a documentary alleging that excessive inbreeding has caused serious health problems in some pedigreed breeds.

• British history is replete with similar controversies. In 1546, the Amalgamated Union of Court Jesters called a strike and refused to allow their members to perform at the marriage of King Fornicatius XVI to his half-sister, Princess Esmeralda of Prussia, who herself was the offspring of a count who had abandoned his family and attempted to force Joan of Arc to sell Tupperware. Christians and lions, summoned at the last minute from Rome, were substituted along with a popular lyre and lute jazz ensemble. The jesters turned out to be right. Later, Esmerada gave birth to three village idiots and a troll.

• In modern times, palace physicians were wary of the marriage of Prince Charles to commoner Camilla Parker Bowles, but the crisis was averted when Charles graciously consented to be neutered. Evidence of the procedure is now a popular tourist attraction, displayed in a jar at Windsor Castle, replacing the Crown Jewels.

Formerly Bereft-on-the-Left

THE TWELVE FRY'S OF CHRISTMAS

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
"Three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Seven Googles goog-ling, six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eight Yahoos hoo-ing, seven Googles goog-ling,
Six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Nine Nortons sweeping, eight Yahoos hoo-ing,
Seven Googles goog-ling, six flash drives flashing
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Ten dial-ups creeping, nine Nortons sweeping,
Eight Yahoos hoo-ing, seven Googles goog-ling,
Six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eleven cursors dragging, ten dial-ups creeping,
Nine Nortons sweeping, eight Yahoos hoo-ing,
Seven Googles goog-ling, six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve wiggies wagging, eleven cursors dragging,
Ten dial-ups creeping, nine Nortons sweeping,
Eight Yahoos hoo-ing, seven Googles goog-ling,
Six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
_____________________________________
[] BROADCAST ALERT! Don't miss tuning in on New Year's morn to hear Bob mike side in Pasadena, California co-hosting a three-hour audio description of the Rose Parade on Colorado Avenue. Broadcast live and commercial-free, the show will reach 2.7 million listeners worldwide via NPR satellite and by live stream over the internet at www.larrs.org. Manned entirely by volunteers, the broadcast is brought to you by the Los Angeles Radio Reading Service for the Blind. Kickoff is at 7AM Pacific, so don't sleep in and miss it!
_____________________________________

Formerly Bereft-on-the-Left

TEAMWORK

The word "transition" is derived from the Latin "transito," a past pluperfect verb meaning "to clean a medium-sized flounder while reading War and Peace." This should not be confused with the word "transari," a similar-sounding verb meaning "to juggle endangered farm animals." As Barack Obama unveiled his transition team last week, the Los Angeles Times noted that "... since 1797, when George Washington handed over the presidency to John Adams in the first transition, transfers of power in the U.S. have sometimes gone smoothly, have often been bumpy and sometimes verged on the outrageous." An understatement, to be sure. Andrew Jackson's transition team so enjoyed their new roles, they reportedly adopted a secret handshake, bought matching silk bowling shirts with their names embroidered on the back and even hired an itinerant former designer of domino tiles as an advisor. He advised them to send out for Chinese. Authorities had to intervene when James Garfield's new Treasury Secretary, Aloysius Fester III, arrived at his first cabinet meeting dressed as a postal worker and played the concertina while reciting the third act of Othello. The newly-elected John Adams stunned party officials by eschewing a transition team altogether. In their place, he hired the squash team from the College of William and Mary -- despite their dismal 3-12 win-loss record that year. It's generally conceded that Chester A. Arthur sought out the most qualified candidates for his team, choosing only 30-degree Freemasons whose parents, despite truly valiant efforts, had failed to make a name in vaudeville. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Herbert Hoover was so disappointed in his choices, he reportedly threatened to make them eat Mrs. Hoover's fried okra in pesto sauce. Conversely, Ulysses S. Grant was so pleased with his team, he offered them continued, uninterrupted employment after he left office -- as long as they would agree to become rabbis and study astrophysics. By far the most legendary member of a newly-elected president's transition team was Thaddeus Pinkerton, former governor of what is now Bayonne, New Jersey, who was appointed Chief-of-Staff by president-elect Millard Fillmore. Pinkerton -- "Pinkie" to his friends and selected members of the judiciary -- was said to be so devoted to his boss, he could often be found doing his taxes -- his laundry -- and sometimes Mrs. Fillmore. Pinkerton was summarily let go when a female member of the White House domestic staff accused him of impersonating Czar Nicholas while riding a goat.
_____________________________________
[] BROADCAST ALERT! Don't miss tuning in on New Year's morn to hear Bob mike side in Pasadena for a three-hour audio description of the Rose Parade on Colorado Boulevard. Broadcast live and commercial-free, the show will reach 2.7 million listeners worldwide via NPR satellite and by live stream over the internet at www.larrs.org. Manned entirely by volunteers, the broadcast is brought to you by the Los Angeles Radio Reading Service for the Blind . Kickoff is at 7am Pacific. Don't miss it!
_____________________________________

(Formerly Bereft-on-the-Left)

FRESHMAN ORIENTATION

Last week, Barack and Michelle Obama, after much soul searching, hand wringing, and several visits to an astrologer, decided to enroll their daughters Malia and Sasha in Washington's ultra-tony Sidwell Friends School. The institution has an interesting history, beginning with its founding by Jeremiah Sidwell in 1797. The family's name was actually "Sitwell" and they made their fortune selling cut-rate latrine seats to the British during the Revolutionary War. The school was shut down for a brief period in the mid-1800s after the Head Master ran off to marry a groundhog. The marriage was quickly annulled after it was learned that the groundhog was already married (they mate for life.). The upscale prep school was known as simply "Sidwell" until 1997 when the cast of "Friends" donated their old sets to the Drama Department. Many time-honored traditions are observed at Sidwell Friends including the assignment to each student a combination locker and safety deposit box. The school boasts a cafeteria sommalier and full-time concierge. Report cards are rated by Standard and Poors and students engaged in science projects are allowed to consult scientists at NASA and the Goddard Space Center.

In modern times, Chelsea Clinton attended Sidwell Friends after Bill vetted her teachers, requiring them to submit to week-long sleep-overs at the White House. However, the Bush twins did not attend the school. George and Laura decided to try home-schooling, but Jenna and Barb gave it up after George refused to complete his homework assignments. But the school is probably best known for their ground-breaking appeal to minority youths through their popular "Midnight Polo" athletic program.
_____________________________________________
[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_____________________________________________

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!

Following the failure of ongoing negotiations with the major film studios, members of the Screen Actors Guild are expected to vote this week to authorize a strike. This comes as no surprise to Hollywood insiders as LA Times theater critic Kenneth Turan recently characterized the talks as "wooden, uninspired and poorly lit." Sticking points seem to surround the calculation of residuals, actors' share of DVD profits, and custody of children conceived on the picket line -- preparations for which are already underway. While painting a picket sign, one ham actor from a canceled TV sitcom was overheard to say, "Who writes this crap?" While Brad Pitt supports the strike, he won't actually walk the picket line and has been auditioning suitable stand-ins. Never one to overlook a promotional opportunity, Sean Penn plans to picket dressed and made up as Harvey Milk. Leonardo DiCaprio will walk the line but won't be carrying a sign. Instead, he hopes to carry Kate Winslet. For the first time in its history, SAG will attempt to recover some of the strike costs by allowing product placements. Well-known has-beens will march in a special picket line around several Century City high-rises, erected on the sites of famous 20th Century-Fox movie sets. Joan and Melinda Rivers will report picket line fashion for E! Entertainment Television. Their show will be dedicated to the memory of Mr. Blackwell. The traditional star-studded wrap party, already in the planning stages, will take place at Spago.
_____________________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
(or click on the "I Got a Goldstar" button in the righthand column
_____________________________________________

HOUSE CALLS

Dr. Jay Katz, recognized as the nation's leading authority on medical ethics, has died in New Haven, Connecticut at age 86. Dr. Katz first became interested in medicine at the age of seven after being given a "Mr. Doctor" play set by Tyco for Christmas. He immediately attempted several unsuccessful amputations on his younger brother, Irving "Stumpy" Katz, now a successful dance instructor at Arthur Murray. Undeterred, Dr. Katz perfected an improved scalpel for cardiac surgeons by practicing on artichoke hearts. After being awarded his medical degree by correspondence from Johnson & Johnson, Dr. Katz was instrumental in spearheading laws in several states outlawing waiting room magazines dated prior to the birth of Christ. He went on to popularize the now-standard doctor's admonition "Keep on doing what you've been doing" and perfected a full body cast to help perfectly healthy patients get a seat on a crowded bus. Most recently, he invented the I-Pod stethoscope which is still undergoing tests at Cedars Sinai. Dr. Katz was known to advise patients to save medical costs by requesting chest x-rays while checking their luggage at the airport. In 1954, he was briefly disciplined by the Connecticut Medical Board after investigators discovered he was recycling tongue-depressors and lining his examination table with blood-stained butcher paper he purchased from a friend at the A&P. Services are pending.
_____________________________________________
[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's "Radio Talking Book Network."
www.larrs.org
Click on MP3
_____________________________________________

RANGE WARS

Some things in life are difficult, but look easy, while other things look easy but are actually hard. I've always wanted to make something hard look easy and came close once, only to be interrupted by a giant carp... As a kid growing up, I always preferred Red Ryder over the Lone Ranger, despite the fact that Red spent a suspiciously inordinate amount of time with a minor that he wasn't, as far as I could see, related to. "Little Beaver," more familiar with English tense and syntax, seemed more intelligent than "Tonto" whom I always suspected of having alcohol issues. Besides, the manufacture of bullets seemed, even to my young mind, a terrible waste of silver... This past week, an old friend, Buster Slime, Jr., showed up out of nowhere. We hadn't seen each other since serving together in the Salvation Army. Somehow, we survived boot camp (enjoyed it, actually) but washed out while on our first duty assignments. Buster was found guilty of assaulting a donut while serving in a rescue unit and I lost my epaulets after the C.O. (a rather nasty lieutenant colonel who spoke with a pronounced lisp) noticed that I was wearing my uniform inside out. So we decided, Buster and I, to start a business together in the service industry. We hired ourselves out as absentee voters for convicted felons, dissolving our partnership only after Buster landed a job with more upward mobility demonstrating fly rods at Sears-Roebuck.
_____________________________________________
Please pass this debut issue of "THE CRUSADING BLOGTOLOGIST" on to a friend. The doctor will be most grateful since his goal is to reach every person on earth.
____________________________________
Contents Copyright (c) 2008 by Robert L. Mills. Portions may be quoted if attributed to "THE CRUSADING BLOGTOLOGIST" and linked to www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com.
____________________________________
Webmasters: Inquiries regarding link swapping are welcomed by Dr. Digit.

This is the final issue of "Bereft-on-the-Left." Coming soon: Dr. Digit "THE CRUSADING BLOGTOLOGIST." ..

__________________________________

Barack Hussein Obama has been elected the 44th president of the United States, proving yet again the truth of Abraham Lincoln's oft-quoted admonition: "You can fool most of the people some of the time and some of the people most of the time, but you can't fool people who sometimes aren't fooled and other times... " Oh, sorry, that was SarahPalin.

McCain loyalists who gathered at Arizona's Biltmore Resort & Spa expressed cautious optimism early in the evening, but suddenly became subdued when NBC projected that Obama would win Ohio.Palin scoffed and said, "No need to worry. You can't trust a state that's spelled the same way backwards as forwards."

When returns showed conclusively that his White House bid was lost, McCain called Fox News and said, "I don't see any path to a win." Then he called Obama and congratulated him. ThenPalin called to congratulate Tina Fey.

Actually, Palin had predicted the ticket's ignominious defeat earlier in the day when she flew to Alaska to cast her vote. She announced to reporters that she could see it from her front porch.

Then she excused herself and said she had "a great big pile of magazines and Supreme Court decisions to catch up on. It's back to the trailer park for me!" (Wink.)

In an uncharacteristic gesture of good will toward her opponent, Sarah congratulated Joe Biden and offered him some tips for his new job running the Senate. "So you can help make good, sound, real American policy, you betcha." (Wink.)
___________________________________
[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
___________________________________

After a surprisingly sincere concession speech and a call to his rabid followers to cooperate with the economic changes they had fought so hard to defeat, the old warrior withdrew with second wife Cindy to decide which of their 13 homes they would return to.

Suddenly, McCain's supporters became almost civil. Even right-wing talk show diva Ann Coulter called to congratulate Rachael Maddow... and then asked her if she was seeing anyone.

Bill O'Reilly emerged momentarily from his "no spin zone" to call and congratulate Keith Olbermann... and offered to send him a copy of his latest book, "I'm Not Frothing At The Mouth I Just Brushed My Teeth."

Even Bush suddenly felt conciliatory. But before he could call his successor, he had to stand in line to use the hot line. Cheney, Rice,Wolfowitz, Bremmer and Rumsfeld were on a conference call to their lawyers in the Hague discussing a defense for their war crimes trial.

Bremmer was overheard calling the trial a "slam dunk." Wolfowitz predicted that the judges would "welcome them as liberators" and all of them had to administer CPR to Cheney who suddenly started gurgling like he was in his "final death throes."

Cheney had spent the evening on a Secret Service-imposed suicide watch after they caught him rummaging through his medicine chest for a cyanide pill he'd already asked his dentist to embed in one of his molars.
____________________________________
[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's "Radio Talking Book Network."

www.larrs.org
Click on MP3
__________________________________________________________

As the returns began to reflect an overwhelming Democratic win, Cheney gathered up his family and assured them that they needn't worry. Then he ordered subordinates to build a bonfire to burn the records.

Exit polls showed that 80% of voters said his choice of Sarah Palin was "a major factor" in McCain's defeat. Another 74% said his brush-off of David Letterman was the clincher.

The same polls showed conclusively that the meteoric rise of "Joe the Plumber" soured many Republicans, one of whom said, "He wasn't licensed and he didn't even smell better."

Following his decisive win, Obama told his staff to be very careful not to allow organized religion to poison the Oval Office as his predecessor had. Then, he added, "While I'm thinking of it, better order a new Koran for my swearing in ceremony. .. and tell my Disciples to lose the sandals."

Rabid Bush supporter and loyal administration ally Liddy Dole was decisively ejected from her Senate seat by Kay Hagen, whose Christian faith she had impugned during her mud-stained, unsuccessful campaign. Before leaving for the unemployment office, she called hubby, Bob, and said "Better renew your contract with Pfizer as official spokesman for Viagra."
____________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
(or click on the "I Got a Goldstar" button in the right hand column)
_____________________________________

And in other news, such as it is...

JERUSALEM (AP) -- Forty thousand people who converted to the Jewish religion have had their conversions annulled by the state-funded Rabbinical High Court which, according to Orthodox Judaism, has the final say over who is, or is not, Jewish. "Nobody checked how many of Israel's 300,000 converts really wanted to be Jews," said Rabbi Eliyahu Ben-Dahan, director of the rabbinical courts. The rabbi confided that among the behaviors that could trigger immediate disqualification were infrequent and/or misuse of the terms "oivai," "farklempt" and "schlep" as well as unfamiliarity with the pharmaceutical benefits of chicken soup.

KUT, IRAQ (AP) -- (Photo Caption) "Iraqi soldiers parade in Wasit Province. The U.S. military handed security responsibilities over in the province, which is the 13th of Iraq's 18 provinces to return to full Iraqi government control. Kut is about 100 miles southeast of Baghdad." Or as much as it as the foreign invaders have left standing.

SUMPTER, SOUTH CAROLINA (AP) -- On Halloween, an ex-convict who thought he was being robbed gunned down a 12-year old trick-or-treater, spraying nearly 30 rounds with an assault rifle from inside his home after hearing a knock on the door. He now faces a charge of first degree murder, or as the National Rifle Association defines it, "reasonable self defense by a home owner."

POSTVILLE, IOWA (AP) -- A federal judge has appointed a temporary receiver for a kosher meatpacking company after a bank accused the company of defaulting on a $35 million loan and writing $1.4 million in bad checks. The company's CEO, SholomRubashkin , has been charged individually with knowingly hiring 400 illegal immigrants to work in the plant. And if all this weren't enough, inspectors discovered that the company's chicken nuggets are actually pigs' feet.

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI (AP) -- Haitians flocked to cemeteries carrying rum, candles and hopes for a better future, kicking off Voodoo's two-day Festival of the Dead. Voodoo, a blend of Christian tenets and African religions fused by slaves, is practiced across the nation. It was sanctioned as an official religion in 2003. After government officials decided it was no more ridiculous than any other religion.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS (AP) -- A study conducted between 2001 and 2004 by the Rand Corporation found that teens 13 to 17 who reported that they watched "Sex and the City," "That '70s Show," and "Friends" regularly were twice as likely to engage in sexual activity that resulted in pregnancy. Most often while their parents were watching "Murder, She Wrote," "LawrenceWelk" and "Regis and Kathy Lee."

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA (AP) -- Records reveal that the National Association of Catholic Bishops contributed a total of $200,000 and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints spent over $2 million to help pass California's Proposition 8 to ban gay marriage. No financial strain for the Mormons, but the Catholics had to dip into their pedophile-priest legal defense fund.

FORT CAMPBELL, KENTUCKY (AP) -- The Army will close down as many as ten of its 36 "Warrior Transition Units," that were set up to treat U.S. troops wounded in action. A study found that admission screening had become so lax, half of the patients being treated there do not have injuries serious enough to qualify. The problem came to light when the Inspector General discovered that Cheney was sending wounded hunting buddies over there for free treatment.

DETROIT, MICHIGAN (AP) -- General Motors has announced that profits are down a whopping 45%. The once-powerful auto-maker ("As G.M. goes, so goes the nation) seems to be sinking like... well, to use their own term... "like a rock."

WINSTON-SALEM, NORTH CAROLINA (AP) -- P.G.A. bad boy John Daly was taken into custody in the parking lot of a Hooter's Restaurant after police found him "extremely intoxicated" and without transportation. "It was a misunderstanding," said the winner of two major tournaments, who went on to explain that he often sleeps with his eyes open when he's tired, stressed or has been drinking. All the while, out of habit, keeping his head down.

ROME, ITALY (AP) For the first time in over 50 years, employees at Vatican City, including the clergy and members of religious orders, will be required to sign in and out when reporting for work. Which immediately prompted a formal protest from their union, the International Association of Theme Park & Fantasy Workers.
____________________________________
FREE SAMPLE CHAPTER! You can read a chapter from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope's Incredible Gag Writers" due in bookstores and online in December from Bear Manor Media Publishers. Here's what "Laugh In" star GARY OWENS says:

"This is a priceless collection of heretofore unpublished recollections revealing untold secrets and backstage goings-on behind the scenes on the Bob Hope Show. It's a never-before-seen look at the previously-classified inner workings of Bob Hope's well-known comedy assembly line that for generations proved as efficient as any in Detroit."

But don't take Gary's word for it. Take a look for yourself. There's a FREE sample chapter, "HOW NOW, CHAIRMAN MAO," waiting for you to download at: www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
_____________________________________

MONDAY, October 27, 2008

From sunny southern California, home of Griffith Park, Rodeo Drive and Phil Spector's hair, here's what's happening...

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA -- Researchers at UCLA have discovered a process that produces usable x-rays from ordinary rolls of Scotch Tape. When asked for her comment, Sarah Palin told reporters, "Even with their medical breakthroughs, Scotland will never overtake America's health care system."

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH -- University of Utah geologists say they've discovered prehistoric animal tracks so densely crowded together they resemble a "dinosaur dance floor." In a related story, if McCain loses the election, he's signed to appear on "Dancing With the Stars" with Cloris Leachman.

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND -- A pharmaceutical analyst at Johns-Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health reports that patients are not having their prescriptions filled or are opting for generic drugs to save money. Some enterprising seniors are making do with one Viagra pill and a spray can of shellac,

SUNNYVALE, CALIFORNIA -- to save $400 million, Yahoo will lay off 1500 employees which amounts to 7% of its workforce. Understandably, they've changed their TV jingle to "Boo-hooooo."

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA -- If voters approve Proposition K in the upcoming election, the city will become the first in the nation to decriminalize prostitution. Already, pimps who are reluctant to leave are hiring themselves out as consultants to Oakland and Marin County hookers.

ORLANDO, FLORIDA -- Disney World, which had purchased $700 million in natural gas futures from defunct Lehman Brothers, is now faced with escalating energy costs to heat the theme park. Snow White was so cold last night, she had to throw on another Dwarf.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA -- Federal agents conducted a sweep of biker clubs and arrested 60 members of the Mongols and the Hells Angeles on charges ranging from drug possession to murder. While officers detained several members of "Harlots With Harleys," they were later released for insufficient evidence of teeth.
____________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
(or click on the "I Got a Goldstar" button in the right hand column)
____________________________________

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON -- Nine state troopers are under investigation for submitting forged academic documents to qualify for higher pay scales. State inspectators became suspicious when they noticed degrees from the University of Winchells and Dunkin' Donuts Tech.

DENVER, COLORADO -- Chief Federal District Court Judge Edward Nottingham has resigned after being charged with viewing a pornographic video in his chambers. Vice Squad officers confirmed that the film, popular in judicial circles, was "Ruth Bader Ginsberg Does Dallas."

NEW DELHI, INDIA -- India has launched its first unmanned moon mission with Chandrayaan-4 which will enter moon orbit 16 hours into the flight. The mission will test for the presence of water, precious metals and Helium 3 needed to power nuclear fission. Time permitting, it will also scout future 7-Eleven locations.

BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA -- Miss Teen Louisiana, Lindsay Evans was booked for theft and possession of marijuana after attempting to leave a restaurant without paying. Worse, the contract she had recently signed to become a model for Vogue was declared breached and therefore void. She ate.

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA -- Jada Pinkett Smith told an interviewer that she and her husband Will allow their children complete access to the bible, the Koran, the Kabbalah and the book of Mormon. Both of the Smiths are firm believers that children should be allowed to choose their own drivel.
__________________________________
[] Do you like to read? Ever been told your voice could charm the birds out of the trees? Okay, how about into the trees? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
__________________________________

SURREY COUNTY, VIRGINIA -- Michael Vick will plead guilty to state dog fighting charges so he'll qualify for early release from federal prison. Following which, Mike plans to move to Spain and become a bullfighter.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A federal health panel is recommending a vaccination especially for smokers. That's the good news, The bad news is the needle is inserted through the skull and the serum injected into the section of the brain that controls common sense.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Narcotic pain relief prescriptions for injured US troops have jumped from 30,000 to 50,000 annually since the outbreak of the Iraq war,mostly feigned, says the Veterans Administration. Imagined illnesses like missing limbs, embedded shrapnel, IED burns -- whatever the guys can dream up.

FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA -- Sarah Palin told a third grade class that the vice president "runs the Senate." If that's true, wouldn't Cheney have waterboarded Teddy Kennedy by now?
________________________________________

QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great alliances of modern times."

George W. Bush 2/18/2002 During a visit to Tokyo

Hey, all couples have a little misunderstanding on occasion.

Idiotic quotes courtesy of: www.sourcebooks.com
________________________________________

LONDON, ENGLAND -- British billionaire Richard Branson, along with his two children, is attempting to set a new speed record for a transatlantic crossing from New York to London in a sailboat. Barely past the Statue of Liberty, the kids intoned their first "Are we there yet?

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- The Dow Jones Industrials plunged 514 points on Wednesday. That's the bad news. The good news is the dive got a combined 9.4 points from the judges which virtually clinches the silver for best dive since the meltdown.

RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA -- R. J. Reynolds Tobacco reports that profits for the third quarter plunged 41%. Maybe there is a god after all.
_____________________________________
Help Patrick Reynolds, heir to the Reynolds fortune who declined it, destroy the tobacco industry by clicking on: www.tobaccofree.org
_____________________________________

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA -- Sarah Palin was subpoenaed to testify in the Troopergate scandal. She challenged the process server but relented when he explained he was from the Senate.

WASHINGTON, D. C. -- Polls show that Palin is a bigger drag on the McCain campaign than Bush. An angry Laura Bush told reporters, "Nobody can pull down a GOP candidate more than my husband... nobody."

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Babe Ruth's daughter celebrated her 92nd birthday this week. Before you start celebrating, Hank Arron's daughter is 94.

LIVINGSTONE, TEXAS -- Department of Corrections officers locked down all 111 prisons in their system after a death row inmate was found in possession of a cell phone he'd been using for weeks with minutes provided by his mother. It was Nokia's much-heralded "Hard Time 550" model with cell waiting.
______________________________________
[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: independence
______________________________________

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND -- The Baltimore Sun reports that pirates off the African coast have commandeered 2400 ships since since 2006, costing businesses $16 billion a year. Or, in more appropriate piratespeak, 32 billion doubloons.

WARSAW, POLAND -- Prime Minister Donald Tusk has proposed castrating all convicted pedophiles. Ironically during the same week as the Vatican's "Priestly Ball."

BELGRADE, YUGOSLAVIA -- Serbian chef Ljubomir Erovic has released what is believed to be the world's first testicle cookbook. Recipes in "Cooking With Balls" include "Nuts on a Stick," "Ball Sack Bouillabaisse" and the "How They Hangin' Omelet."

TAMPA, FLORIDA -- Facing almost sure defeat in the orange state, McCain made a whirlwind tour of Florida, visiting six cities in one day, all the while touting his tax plan for "Joe the Plumber," "Phil the Mechanic," and Brad the Psychiatrist. He was accompanied his wife, "Cindy the Almost First Lady."

THE HAGUE -- The World Health Organization predicts 8.3 million deaths from tobacco use between now and 2030. Each grave "so round, so firm, so fully-packed"...
__________________________________
Join Patrick Reynold's war against Big Tobacco. Click on: www.tobaccofree.org.
__________________________________

LONDON, ENGLAND -- The London Daily Mirror reports that the Church of Scientology has offered to help Amy Winehouse defeat her addictions. Be interesting to see if having Tom Cruise jump up and down on her does any good.

LUSAKA, ZAMBIA -- Members of the Zambian soccer team jumped into the crocodile-infested Zambezi River to "cleanse themselves of bad spirits" before a match. Unfortunately, one of the bad spirits ate one of the players.

DETROIT, MICHIGAN -- The Chrysler Corporation has announced that it will lay off 25% of its workforce. Worse news for motorists, they'll be forced to replace their rich Corinthian leather with, according to a company spokesman, " a very high-quality faux leather polyester."

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- A week after the shocking Madonna-Guy Richie divorce announcement, US Weekly Magazine blames "Lies, cheating and abuse" on its cover, while OK Magazine cites "Tears, lies and money." Home & Garden blames the couple's inability to agree on a color scheme for a recent kitchen-makeover.

ROANOKE, VIRGINIA -- Sheriff Mike Presgraves has been charged with racketeering and conspiracy for accepting bribes from a cockfight organizer to look the other way. Worse, it appears that he fried the losers and served them to his jail inmates on Saturday nights.

__________________________________

Excerpt from Bob's upcoming book, "THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Tribute to Bob Hopes Incredible Gag Writers" from Bear Manor Media.

Make Room For Gunplay

Danny Thomas, in his later years, had grown paranoid about the rise in crime and general lawlessness that he believed was crippling the country. Concerned for his own safety, he wore a Palladin-like pistol in a holster strapped to his ankle. We were taping a special in Burbank called NBC Investigates Bob Hope, a sendup on the Iran-Contra hearings on which Danny played a senator. One day, he stormed into Hope's dressing room. "Some son-of-a-bitch just tried to run me off the road!" Hope sympathized, in an attempt to calm him down. "I hope you didn't stop, for God's sake." (There had recently been a rash of drive-by shootings.) Danny said he not only stopped, but confronted the offending driver on foot. Hope said "Jesus, Danny, you could have been killed." Danny said, "No he could have been. I stuck this in the bastard's face." He reached down and drew the pistol as Hope dove across the couch, leaning away from the waving Derringer. Hey, I wasn't taking any chances, either, and slipped behind the door of the adjoining bathroom. I could see Hope's face and it was as white as milk-of-magnesia -- and he was wearing makeup. Not happy with Danny. Not happy at all.

"Put that damn thing away." His color slowly returning, Hope said, "It's not loaded, is it?" Danny said, "Why would I pack an empty gun?" Danny couldn't believe that Hope didn't own a sidearm. Hope was partially deaf thanks to a prop pistol and wasn't keen on facing a real one. He made Danny unload the pistol and promise never to bring it on the set. There was a noticeable coolness between the two for the remainder of the shoot. If Hope had to work near loaded guns, they'd better belong to Secret Service agents.
__________________________

[] [] [] Click on the link below to read a chapter from Bob's new book, "THE LAUGH MAKERS," recalling Bob Hope's 1979 month-long invasion of the Peoples Republic of China. "How Now Chairman Mao?" is filled with fascinating stories of suspicion, mistrust, international intrigue and near-expulsion as agents of the Red Guard meet their match against members of the elite NBC Peacock Unit. Gunboat Diplomacy is replaced by Punchline Appeasement as Hope and his merry band of mirthmakers survive a bumpy ride on the Orient Express. All aboard for an unforgettable ride!
(The LAUGH MAKERS is due later this year from Bear Manor Media Publishers)
__________________________

CLEVELAND, OHIO -- Cardiologists have discovered that the 70s BeeGee's hit "Stayin' Alive" provides the perfect tempo for medical technicians administering CPR to a cardiac arrest victim. The McCain Campaign has adopted it as its official song, replacing the less effective Hi-Lo's classic "Pull the Plug on Grandpa."

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA -- Jerry Lewis apoligized for an anti-gay comment he made during a TV interview Down Under. He admitted that he had no real evidence that Crocodile Dundee and Mel Gibson are married.

LAKEWOOD, COLORADO -- The owner of a mexican restaurant was charged with drug possession after marijuana was found in one of his tacos. He never should have named it the "Whitney Houston Tijuana Firecracker Special."

GREEN BAY, MINNESOTA -- In the race for the Senate, former SNL star Al Franken has a substantial lead in the polls over Republican incumbant Norm Coleman. Stuart Smiley was right. People DO like him.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Homeland Security chief Michael Chartoff proudly announced that illegal immigration from Mexico has decreased since he took over. Critics concede that the idea to replace the skull and crossbones on the Mexican side of the wall with his photo may have been responsible.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS -- A protestor attempted to make a citizen's arrest on Karl Rove following his speech at the National Mortgage Brokers Association, but was unable to handcuff him. Karl has an aversion to handcuffs... unless you count that time with Anne Coulter following the S&M GOP Boosters' Ball.

LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY -- Five students were arrested following a fight at Western Kentucky University. Seems a fight broke out in the cafeteria when a group of Hatfields accused a group of McCoys of hogging the hog jowls.

CLEVELAND, OHIO -- Brown tight end Kellen Winslow was suspended for one game without pay for accusing the team of "treating him like a piece of meat." Kellen must also attend counseling on the difference between the NFL and the Miss America Pageant.
_______________________________________

To Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea... Let's go to press...

HEMPSTEAD, NEW YORK -- Presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain faced off in their final debate of the campaign, a 90-minute round-table discussion refereed by CBS newsman Bob Sheiffer. While the candidates split on the usual issues of taxes, foreign policy, the federal deficit and the Wall Street meltdown, there appeared to be a different tone -- Obama repeatedly referred to McCain as "John" or "Senator," while McCain called him either "Homeboy" or "You uppity black S.O.B." Obama praised Joe Biden's international diplomatic expertise while McCain lauded Sarah Palin's "uncanny communication skills with sled dogs." McCain appeared, at times, to be feeling his age, referring to Bob Sheiffer as "Mr. O'Reilly" and asking several times to be excused to change his catheter.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After experiencing discomfort at the White House morning briefing, Vice President Dick Cheney was admitted to George Washington University Hospital for treatment of atrial fibrillation and underwent a two-hour procedure to shock his heart into beating normally. Atrial fibrillation occurs when the heart's upper chambers quiver rather than contract causing chest pain, dizziness and shortness of breath -- you know, feelings you'd have while being waterboarded. Reports of Cheney's death throes, like those of al-Qaeda, were greatly exaggerated.

BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA -- Former First Lady Nancy Reagan was admitted to the UCLA Ronald Reagan Medical Center's Trickle Down wing for treatment of a fractured pelvis. Following admission, she was examined by her usual team of internists, orthopedic surgeons, gerontologists and astrologers. She was sedated according to the admitting nurse "less for pain than to silence her repeated screams of 'John Hinkley did it!'"

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Admiral Michael Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, has called for screening all troops returning from combat in Iraq and Afghanistan for Post Traumatic Stress (PTS). Good news for the Veterans Administration which issued a statement stating that without such tests, they have difficulty deciding which treatments to withhold.
__________________________________________________________

QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"I want you to know that farmers are not going to be secondary thoughts to a Bush administration. They will be in the forethought of our thinking."

George W. Bush 8/10/2000 Salinas, California

Idiotic quotes courtesy of: www.sourcebooks.com
__________________________________________________________

BAGHDAD, IRAQ -- Suicide car bombers killed six civilians in Mosul and seven in Baghdad with an unknown number of wounded in an area known, post surge, as "The Triangle of Frequent Commuter Delays Due to Police Activity."

WINSTON-SALEM, NORTH CAROLINA -- Tobacco giant R.J. Reynolds has introduced new "Orbs," nicotine pellets -- toothpick-sized "Sticks" -- and "Camel Strips," all of which are dissolved in the mouth "for a taste that resembes smoking." But the company's pride and joy are their new "Snuggles," nicotine-laced suppositories that are slipped in the anus and lodged in the general area of the user's brain.
______________________________
Support R.J. Reynolds heir Patrick Reynolds in his quest to ban the manufacture of tobacco products of any kind. Find out how you can help destroy an industry responsible for countless deaths. www.tobaccofree.com
______________________________

TERRE HAUTE, INDIANA -- The American Civil Liberties Union has filed a formal request with the Federal Bureau of Prisons to review the "grossly inadequate conditions on Terre Haute Prison's death row" that include inmate mistreatment and sub-standard health care that has resulted in "a significantly higher mortality rate than that of the general population."

NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT -- Yale University is celebrating the 250th birthday of Noah Webster, the inventor of the dictionary. Unable to locate any authenticated descendents of the famous wordsmith, officials have invited Emmanuel Lewis who played Webster on television.
_____________________________________________________

Excerpt from "THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-The-Scenes Tribute To Hope's Incredible Gag Writers" to be published soon by Bear Manor Media

London Derriere

London, April 1979. It's the day before we're scheduled to tape an hour-long special, An Evening at the Palladium, for a black-tie audience that will include Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip. Gig Henry and I are going over the script with Hope in his dressing room and, as usual when he was about to perform for royalty, he's wrestling with some last-minute jitters. ("She has the keys to the Tower of London.") Also present are executive producers Sid Vinnage and Elliott Kozak and a British writing team who had been hired to assist us, Dick Vosburgh and Gary Chambers.

The phone rings. Hope picks it up and on the other end of the line is one of our guest stars, Richard Burton, whose voice fills the room even though it's not a speaker-phone. It seems that Dick's "people" -- read new wife of some three weeks, one of Burton's "between Liz" marriages -- don't think it's in the actor's best interest to be doing a love scene with costar Raquel Welch in a sketch we'd prepared for them -- a parody of the popular PBS series Upstairs, Downstairs that we had re-titled Backstairs at Buckingham Palace. Hope cups his hand over the mouthpiece and asks us if we can rewrite the sketch omitting the kissing. We all shake our heads "no" -- if the love scenes go, there's no sketch.

Hope tells Burton he'll get back to him and hangs up. We carefully go over the sketch line-by-line just to be sure and Hope agrees that, unless Burton has lip privileges with the downstairs chambermaid, we'll have to write a whole new sketch and time, as they say over there, is frightfully short. Hope gets an idea. He calls Burton back and asks him if it would help if the chambermaid were someone other than Raquel. Several minutes elapse while Dick again checks with his people. That would solve the problem very nicely, he tells Hope.

Goodbye, Raquel. Vinnage starts calling his British contacts and soon locates actress Susan George who's appearing in a stage play about three-hundred miles from London. Susan, an experienced performer who had recently costarred with Dustin Hoffman in the popular American movie "Straw Dogs," agrees to step in for Raquel despite a case of laryingitis, finishes her matinee and arrives at the Palladium just hours before showtime. After a quick rehearsal, she bravely goes on for Raquel and ends up sharing equal-billing with Welch, Burton and Leslie Uggams. Later, Raquel explains to a group of British reporters that she had ankled the sketch because she was unhappy with her lines.

This time, we were happy to take the rap.

You can read a chapter from Bob's book, "How Now, Chairman Mao?," which recalls Hope's historic journey to China in June/July 1979. It's photo-illustrated at: www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
__________________________________________________________

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA -- Bill Maher's new mockumentary "Religilous," which entertainingly condemns the hypocrisy of organized religion be it Christian or otherwise, is doing surprisingly well at the box office. Bill is said to be ecstatic although he had to visit his urologist twice last week after the Vatican ordered him turned into a pillar of saltpeter.

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA -- According to the US Geological Survey, satellite images and infrared photos confirm that 99% of Alaska's glaciers are melting. Sarah Palin agrees. She says even Russia is starting to look smaller.

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS -- Animal rights activists staged a topless protest outside the European Parliament demanding a ban on bullfighting in Spain, France and Portugal. First the gals set their bras on fire and then ignited a pile of books by Ernest Hemingway.

FAIRPLAY, COLORADO -- Software billionaire Jeff Hawn grew tired of watching a neighbor's buffalo roaming onto his land so he shot 37 of them. God knows what he'll do if he ever catches the deer and the antelope playing.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Bush signed an executive order creating a "transitional coordinating council" to insure a smooth transfer of power to the next president. Their next challenge is getting it away from Cheney.

___________________________________________________________
FREE SAMPLE CHAPTER! You can read a chapter from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope's Incredible Gag Writers" due in bookstores and online in December from Bear Manor Media Publishers.

Here's what "Laugh In" star GARY OWENS says:

"'The Laugh Makers' is the book we've all been waiting for. It's jam-packed with stories, anecdotes and 110 unretouched photos from a fondly-remembered past, recalling often-hilarious, sometimes heartwarming, and always touching tales of legendary stars, near-legendary stars and one or two complete failures -- which happens in show business. You can look it up in your Funk & Wagnalls.
"This is a priceless collection of heretofore unpublished recollections revealing untold secrets and backstage goings-on behind the scenes on the Bob Hope Show. It's a never-before-seen look at the previously-classified inner workings of Hope's well-known comedy assembly line that for generations proved as efficient as any in Detroit."

But don't take Gary's word for it. Take a look for yourself. There's a FREE sample chapter waiting for you to download at: www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
___________________________________________________________

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Faced with spiraling fuel costs, airlines are cutting back on bereavement discounts with Delta, Southwest and US Airways eliminating them completely. Well actually, they'll give you 10% off if you're willing to travel with the dead loved one at full fare.

SANTA ANA, CALIFORNIA -- Dr. Brandon Mull has been disciplined by the state medical board for choking his psychiatrist. Seems they got into the fight when Dr. Brandon compared the shrink to Dr. Phil.

CEDAR FALLS, IOWA -- The University of North has suspended 18 athletes for drug and alcohol abuse. Campus authorities blamed "too much time on their hands" and threatened to require them to attend classes.

WESTLAND, MICHIGAN -- A Wayne County judge ordered 800 striking teachers back to the bargaining table. He also chastised them for picket signs that were riddled with split infinitives, dangling participles and gross misspellings.

LINCOLN, NEBRASKA -- Armadillos, once rare this far north, are migrating in greater numbers. Zoologists theorize that some are searching for food, some are seeking mates and the majority just want to get as far away from Texas as possible.
____________________________________________________
[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the
latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to
9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles
Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: independence
____________________________________________________

CARSON CITY, NEVADA -- The state supreme court ruled that casino operators may require blackjack dealers to share their tips with supervisors. Unless, of course, they choose to double down and lose the draw.

ENGLISHTOWN, NEW JERSEY -- A flock of chickens, apparently wandering on their own, invaded the posh English Club Condominiums. Animal control officers determined that they were protesting the treatment of relatives by the owner of a nearby Popeye's living in the penthouse suite.

GOLDSBORO, NORTH CAROLINA -- An investigation revealed that attendants at the Cherry Mental Hospital allowed a patient to choke to death as they sat nearby playing cards and watching television. In their defense, they were watching "One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest," an annual requirement for all mental hospital employees.

CORNERVILLE, OHIO -- Residents living near the Little Muskingusa River reported that the area has begun to smell like raw sewage. Health authorities theorize that the putrid odor may be due to film used for McCain campaign commercials recently discarded by the RNC.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Formally endorsing McCain, NRA executive vice president Wayne La Pierre said "Mr. McCain has stood time and again to preserve our hunting heritage. Not as carelessly as Cheney, but a lot.
____________________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
(or click on the "I Got a Goldstar" button in the righthand column)
____________________________________________

DETROIT, MICHIGAN -- Ford Motor Company has introduced "My key" which is programmed to limit the speed of the car when driven by a teenager and the volume of the radio. It also alerts the parents whenever the car gets within fifty yards of a tattoo parlor.

URBANA, OHIO -- After convicting him of playing his rap music too loud, Judge Susan Fornof-Lippencott ordered Andrew Vactor to listen to 20 hours of Bach, Beethoven and Chopin. After fifteen minutes, Andy rushed next door to the Army recruiting office and signed up for two tours of duty in Iraq.

KAZAKHSTAN, SOVIET REPUBLIC -- Computer software millionaire Richard Garriott who paid $30 million to become the world's first "space tourist," has departed aboard the Soyuz TMA-13 for a 10-day flight. Thirty million may seem high, but remember he earns 7,481,932,058 frequent flyer miles.

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA -- Scientists at the Virginia Aquarium and Marine Science Center have reported what appears to be a "virgin birth" by a shark. Within hours, thousands of Italian pilgrims flocked to a fisherman's grotto outside Milan where a seafood waitress reported seeing an apparition of the shark on the side of a smelt.

JUNEAU, ALASKA -- Records disclosed during the investigation surrounding "Troopergate" show that Sarah Palin was paid per diem during visits to the annual Bear Paw Festival in Eagle River and attendance at the Moose Dropping Festival in Talkeetna. The latter visit to help her speechwriter one would assume.
____________________________________________________
QUOTH THE NITWIT...

On privatizing Social Security:

"It means your own money would grow better than that which the government can make it grow. And that's important."

George W.Bush 2/26/2007 Falls Church, Virginia

Oh, had we just listened!
____________________________________________________