FRESHMAN ORIENTATION
Last week, Barack and Michelle Obama, after much soul searching, hand wringing, and several visits to an astrologer, decided to enroll their daughters Malia and Sasha in Washington's ultra-tony Sidwell Friends School. The institution has an interesting history, beginning with its founding by Jeremiah Sidwell in 1797. The family's name was actually "Sitwell" and they made their fortune selling cut-rate latrine seats to the British during the Revolutionary War. The school was shut down for a brief period in the mid-1800s after the Head Master ran off to marry a groundhog. The marriage was quickly annulled after it was learned that the groundhog was already married (they mate for life.). The upscale prep school was known as simply "Sidwell" until 1997 when the cast of "Friends" donated their old sets to the Drama Department. Many time-honored traditions are observed at Sidwell Friends including the assignment to each student a combination locker and safety deposit box. The school boasts a cafeteria sommalier and full-time concierge. Report cards are rated by Standard and Poors and students engaged in science projects are allowed to consult scientists at NASA and the Goddard Space Center.
In modern times, Chelsea Clinton attended Sidwell Friends after Bill vetted her teachers, requiring them to submit to week-long sleep-overs at the White House. However, the Bush twins did not attend the school. George and Laura decided to try home-schooling, but Jenna and Barb gave it up after George refused to complete his homework assignments. But the school is probably best known for their ground-breaking appeal to minority youths through their popular "Midnight Polo" athletic program.
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LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!
Following the failure of ongoing negotiations with the major film studios, members of the Screen Actors Guild are expected to vote this week to authorize a strike. This comes as no surprise to Hollywood insiders as LA Times theater critic Kenneth Turan recently characterized the talks as "wooden, uninspired and poorly lit." Sticking points seem to surround the calculation of residuals, actors' share of DVD profits, and custody of children conceived on the picket line -- preparations for which are already underway. While painting a picket sign, one ham actor from a canceled TV sitcom was overheard to say, "Who writes this crap?" While Brad Pitt supports the strike, he won't actually walk the picket line and has been auditioning suitable stand-ins. Never one to overlook a promotional opportunity, Sean Penn plans to picket dressed and made up as Harvey Milk. Leonardo DiCaprio will walk the line but won't be carrying a sign. Instead, he hopes to carry Kate Winslet. For the first time in its history, SAG will attempt to recover some of the strike costs by allowing product placements. Well-known has-beens will march in a special picket line around several Century City high-rises, erected on the sites of famous 20th Century-Fox movie sets. Joan and Melinda Rivers will report picket line fashion for E! Entertainment Television. Their show will be dedicated to the memory of Mr. Blackwell. The traditional star-studded wrap party, already in the planning stages, will take place at Spago.
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HOUSE CALLS
Dr. Jay Katz, recognized as the nation's leading authority on medical ethics, has died in New Haven, Connecticut at age 86. Dr. Katz first became interested in medicine at the age of seven after being given a "Mr. Doctor" play set by Tyco for Christmas. He immediately attempted several unsuccessful amputations on his younger brother, Irving "Stumpy" Katz, now a successful dance instructor at Arthur Murray. Undeterred, Dr. Katz perfected an improved scalpel for cardiac surgeons by practicing on artichoke hearts. After being awarded his medical degree by correspondence from Johnson & Johnson, Dr. Katz was instrumental in spearheading laws in several states outlawing waiting room magazines dated prior to the birth of Christ. He went on to popularize the now-standard doctor's admonition "Keep on doing what you've been doing" and perfected a full body cast to help perfectly healthy patients get a seat on a crowded bus. Most recently, he invented the I-Pod stethoscope which is still undergoing tests at Cedars Sinai. Dr. Katz was known to advise patients to save medical costs by requesting chest x-rays while checking their luggage at the airport. In 1954, he was briefly disciplined by the Connecticut Medical Board after investigators discovered he was recycling tongue-depressors and lining his examination table with blood-stained butcher paper he purchased from a friend at the A&P. Services are pending.
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[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's "Radio Talking Book Network."
www.larrs.org
Click on MP3
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RANGE WARS
Some things in life are difficult, but look easy, while other things look easy but are actually hard. I've always wanted to make something hard look easy and came close once, only to be interrupted by a giant carp... As a kid growing up, I always preferred Red Ryder over the Lone Ranger, despite the fact that Red spent a suspiciously inordinate amount of time with a minor that he wasn't, as far as I could see, related to. "Little Beaver," more familiar with English tense and syntax, seemed more intelligent than "Tonto" whom I always suspected of having alcohol issues. Besides, the manufacture of bullets seemed, even to my young mind, a terrible waste of silver... This past week, an old friend, Buster Slime, Jr., showed up out of nowhere. We hadn't seen each other since serving together in the Salvation Army. Somehow, we survived boot camp (enjoyed it, actually) but washed out while on our first duty assignments. Buster was found guilty of assaulting a donut while serving in a rescue unit and I lost my epaulets after the C.O. (a rather nasty lieutenant colonel who spoke with a pronounced lisp) noticed that I was wearing my uniform inside out. So we decided, Buster and I, to start a business together in the service industry. We hired ourselves out as absentee voters for convicted felons, dissolving our partnership only after Buster landed a job with more upward mobility demonstrating fly rods at Sears-Roebuck.
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Please pass this debut issue of "THE CRUSADING BLOGTOLOGIST" on to a friend. The doctor will be most grateful since his goal is to reach every person on earth.
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Contents Copyright (c) 2008 by Robert L. Mills. Portions may be quoted if attributed to "THE CRUSADING BLOGTOLOGIST" and linked to www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com.
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