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Friday 10/26/07

PERRIER HYDRANTS… The Malibu fires threatened but didn’t burn the homes of Kelsey Grammer, Jane Seymour, Mel Gibson and Olivia Newton-John. Thanks in no small part to the private jet chemical drops and the 200 threads per inch, Madras canvass hoses manned by private “Blaze Managers.”

MOMMA MIA… Support is building in Congress to erect a monument to military families who’ve lost loved ones. Front runner so far is a marble statue of moms toppling a statue of Saddam Hussein kicking a bronze bust of Rumsfeld.

NICKEL DEFENSE… Bush has moved forward with a plan to implement a missile defense shield with radar in the Czech Republic and missiles in Poland. It’s an overpriced, hare brained scheme Reagan came up with that works about as well as trickle down economics.

SLIPPING FAST… Bush says the people of Cuba are witnessing “the dying gasps of a failed regime.” You know, like those “final throes” Cheney said al Qaeda was in.
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“We ought to make the pie higher.”
George W. Bush 2/15/00 South Carolina Debate
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EYEBALL WITNESS… Two of OJ’s co-defendants had their charges reduced in exchange for their agreement to testify against him. It’s even an even sweeter deal than the DA had hoped. One of them will swear he saw OJ kill Nicole.

BODILY FLUIDS… Ellen DeGeneres says “There is nothing wrong with having feelings. I think more people should cry.” People like, say, Ann Heche.

HALFWAY TO THE STARS… Vincent De Domenico, the inventor of Rice-A-Roni, died at age 92. In his memory, San Francisco’s cable cars tolled their bells 21 times.

QUO VADIS… Sales of religious paperback books have increased 24% over the past five years. Even though research shows most people prefer to wait for the movie.
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FORE!… Mattel has introduced “Barbie Golf Clubs” for 4-6 year olds to promote physical activity. The $39.99 set comes with a bag, a “Ken the Caddy” smock, tees, and a scorecard.

VANISHED… The Terror Watch List now has 755,000 names on it. Bin Laden is supposed to be on it, but his name keeps mysteriously disappearing.

DEBT RELIEF… The Congressional Budget Office estimates the cost of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq will top $2.41 trillion. A hell of a debt to leave the Chinese, but let them figure out how to pay it off.

BOARDING PASS… The Department of Transportation may levy fines on air carriers who arrive 15 minutes late more that 70% of the time. In other words, Delta’s regular on-time schedule.
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“And one of the things we’ve got to make sure that we do is anything.”
George W. Bush 5/7/02 Washington, DC
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7-10 SPLIT… Bowling has surpassed ice hockey as the fastest growing high school sport. Remember when you had to sign up for interior decorating or the Drama Club to get a silk shirt with your name embroidered over the pocket?

SINGAPORE SLING… Singapore’s Parliament has voted to renew the ban on sex between men. May not mean much to you, but it tosses a wrench in Larry Craig’s Christmas vacation plans.

SLICE O’ LIFE… Donna Mills and Joan Van Ark of “Knots Landing” fame have signed to appear in an upcoming episode of “Nip/Tuck” as aging divorcees in need of cosmetic surgery. Any leftover skin will be used to patch up Larry Hagman.

GOOD EVENING… Brian Williams will become the first news anchor to host “Saturday Night Live.” Not to be outdone, Katie Couric will appear as a contestant on “Dancing With the Stars.”
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[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
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PURSE-A-FLAGE… From Bags To Riches.com is renting designer handbags from Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Fendi, Prada, Gucci, Burberry, Bottega Veneta, Balenciaga, Chloe, Christian Dior and Yves Saint Laurent for $299 per month. And if you can’t afford the mandatory theft insurance, each bag comes with an identical Chinese knockoff.

NUMBERS GAME…. Stanford post-doctoral chemistry student Thomas Snyder won the Philadelphia Inquirer’s first National Sudoku Championship---despite showing up late. He kept pressing the wrong elevator button.

OINK!… A report in the Journal Circulation estimates that 40% of men and 30% of women worldwide are overweight. And most of them are married to each other.

DEAD POETS SOCIETY… Dead at age 33 of a heart attack is hip hop king Big Moe, whose hit album “Purple World” celebrated the unique high of hip hop’s drug of choice, codeine-laced cough syrup. Gee, the world just won’t be the same without him.
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COMMENTS? SUGGESTIONS? RIGHT WING REBUTTALS? Send ‘em all to:
Jokesmith@peoplepc.com
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DIDDY DILLY… Sean “Diddy” Combs has signed a $100 million deal to develop the Ciroc Vodka brand. To replace that codeine-laced cough syrup no doubt.

ET TU MITT?… Larry Craig says his former friend Mitt Romney “not only threw me under his campaign bus, he backed up and ran over me again.” I know what you’re thinking. He actually considers a fellow hack politician a friend?

BLACKENED H2O… Last year, says the Government Accounting Office, the US spent $5 billion for private contractor security. A record unless you count the Beatles’ rent-a-cops in Yankee Stadium in ‘65.

POPULAR DEMAND… For only the second time in their film careers, Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino will share the big screen in the upcoming “Righteous Kill.” According to our on-set insiders, they’re taking turns chewing the scenery.

BANK ON THAT… After posting a 32% pofit drop last quarter, the Bank of America is cutting 3000 jobs. Mainly non-essential hold-up note translators and rejected loan grief counselors.
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“The Bob Jones policy on interracial dating… I spoke out against that. I spoke out against interracial dating. I support the policy of interracial dating.”
George W. Bush 2/28/00 Newsweek
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