Let's Take That Again... July 28

[] From the Army's Training and Doctrine Command: "Snipers were not being robustly portrayed in mission rehearsal exercises." (USA Today 7/28-31)

So that's why the show tanked----not enough rehearsals.

[] Mel Gibson was arrested and charged with D.U.I. while driving on the Pacific Coast Highway. (KTLK 7/28)

Now he's learned something about the passion of the C.H.P.
_______________________________________________
Idol Threats...

[] Bush welcomes American Idol finalists to the White House. (USA Today 7/28)

He feels a kinship toward rank amateurs who somehow manage to achieve 15 minutes of fame.

Especially Tyler Hicks since they both won when people cast multiple votes.
_______________________________________________
Piddling As Fast As I Can...

[] Floyd Landis may have to forfeit his Tour de France title if a second urinalysis comes up positive. (Cable News Network 7/27)

In which case, he'll step aside for the runner-up----Rush Limbaugh.

[] The House will hold 19 commission hearings on immigration in 12 states during the August recess. (USA Today 7/28)

That my be the solution----a wall of words.

[] White House Press Secretary Tony Snow: "Bush is the head of the most powerful nation on earth and he's aware of that."(USVA Today 7/28-31)

Unfortunately, so are we----constantly.
_______________________________________________
Weber Barbecued...

[] Record breaking temperatures strain London's power grid----Soho dark.(USA Today 7/28-31)

It's so bad, some Londoners are using the chandelier in "Phantom of the Opera" to read by.

[] Cindy Sheehan has purchased five acres near Bush's Crawford, Texas ranch.(Associated Press 7/28-31)

She's hoping to confront him during a Neighborhood Watch meeting.

[] Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett has been charged with robbery, aggrivated robbery and carrying a concealed weapon. (Los Angeles Times 7/28-31)

Charges of "clipping" and "offsides" were dropped for lack of evidence.
_______________________________________________
Canine Corps...

[] Bush welcomes British Prime Minister Tony Blair to the White House. (Cable News Network 7/28)

There was some confusion after neither could remember whose turn it was to be the lap dog.

[] Senator Christopher Dodd on the nomination of Bolton to a UN ambassadorship: "It isn't that he's been a bully, but that he's been an ineffective bully." (UVSA Today 7/28-31)

Okay, so he did head butt the Ambassador from France.
_______________________________________________
Equine-imity...

[] The House will consider a bill to ban the sale of horse meat for human consumption. Says Texas rancher T. Boone Pickens, "The horse has a special place in American culture... "(Associated Press 7/28)

Especially now with a horse's ass in the Oval Office.

[] Israeli General Udi Adam: "We need several more weeks to defeat the Hezbollah." (USA Today 7/28-31)

Luckily for the general, there's no word in Yiddish for "slamdunk."

[] The State Department's Counterterrorism Coordinator Henry Crumpton: "Hezbollah has no interest in attacking the U.S. because an American response would be swift and pretty definitive." (USA Today 7/28/31)

"Shock and Awe" they used to call it.

[] Bush on extention of the Voting Rights Act: "Congress has reaffirmed its belief that all men are created equal." (Associated Press 7/28/31)

And endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of weapons of mass destruction.

Language Barrier... July 27

[] Bush welcomes Romanian President Traian Basescu for talks on Middle East peace process. (Cable News Network 7/27)

Which were cordial thanks to Bush not recognizing the Romanian word for "idiot."

[] Tori Spelling receives $100,000 from the estate of Aaron's $300 million estate. (Cable News Network 7/27)

She's currently taping HBO's fall reality series "Breaking the Will."

[] Rice to return to Israel and Lebanon after visiting Malaysia. (USA Today 7/27)

Good move. It would be such a waste to come home without having used both faces.

[] No injuries were reported after a FedEx plane skidded off the runway in Louisiana. (Cable News Network 7/27)

While attempting to double park to make a delivery.

[] Bush tells reporters: "I'm very pleased with Secretary Rice's diplomatic efforts." (Cable News Network 7/27)

As well he should be. It's not easy pretending to respect someone internationally recognized as an incompetent moron.

[] Lindsey Lohan was treated for heat exhaustion after collapsing on the set of "The Insider," starring Jane Fonda and Felicity Huffman. (Cable News Network 7/27)

The studio had provided plenty of water in her trailer but her agent insisted he was entitled to 10% of it.

[] Bush on the performance of acting UN ambassador John Bolton: "I think John's done a terrific job." (Cable News Network 7/27)

Of course, this guy also thinks Michael Bolton can sing.

[] Prince sheds his wife of five years, Manuela Testolini. (USA Today 7/27)

He's changing his name to "Formerly Known as Married."

[] Dems boycott speech by Iraqi prime minister Nouri Maliki to joint meeting of Congress. (Los Angeles Times 7/27)

On the opposite side of the aisle, Speaker J. Dennis "House Fats" Hastert honored the distinguished Iraqi leader by going on a hunger strike.

[] World champion surfer Sunny Garcia will be sentenced in August for income tax fraud. (Los Angeles Times 7/27)

The judge could sentence him to hang----ten.

[] Ralph Reed, former whiz kid of the Christian Coalition, couldn't rally his base under the shadow of Jack Abramoff, losing Georgia's lieutenant governorship nomination to a vertual unknown. (Time Magazine 7/31)

While helping Jack fleece the Indians, "Family Values" Ralph, apparently baptized in pond scum, failed to read the smoke signals on the wall.

[] Bush signs Child Protection Safety Act on White House lawn. (Cable News Network 7/27)

What a relief! While the kids are inheriting a country Bush and his greed-obsessed environmental rapists all but destroyed, they won't have to worry about sexual preditors.

[] Thirty five hundred troops scheduled to come home will be extended----four more months. (Cable News Network 7/27)

So they can have front row seats for what Cheney calls the insurgents' "Last Throes of Summer Tour."

Time For Plan B?... July 26

[] "Our strategy is to remain on the offensive, including in Baghdad," Bush told a press conference. (USA Today 7/26)

Bush's Iraq war strategy has been nothing if not offensive.

[] A surge in violence has killed 100 Iraqis a day since Bush's unannounced visit to Baghdad six weeks ago. (USA Today 7/25)

A visit from Bush is simply a gift that keeps on giving.

[] According to the Brain Injury Association of Amerca, 20% are caused by falls, 20% by vehicle accidents and 11% by assaults. (USA Today 7/25)

And, oh, about 18% hunting with Cheney.

[] According to a report from the GAO, F.E.M.A. lost as much as $1.4 billion to con artists. (USA Today 7/25)

Led by the two modern day Pirates of the Caribbean, the Michaels Brown and Chertoff.

[] The Senate has passed a bill criminalizing the transport of a teenager across a state line for the purpose of an abortion without parental notification. (USA Today 7/26)

With the fine doubled if stem cell research is performed on the teen.

[] Sports Illustrated swim suit model May Anderson is charged with assaulting a flight attendant on a plane bound for Miami from Amsterdam. (USA Today 7/26)

On a brighter note, she's now considered a shoo-in for the cover of the magazine's fall head-butt issue.

[] The British version of Monopoly has substituted a credit card for the traditional play money----the beauty contest winner card has been changed to a reality show and passing "go" is now worth 2 million pounds instead of 200. USA 7/26)

And "Mr. Monopoly" is now Andrew Lloyd Webber.

But Who's Counting?... July 24

[] Despite the addition of 100,000 US-trained Iraqi troops, Baghdad's morgue is receiving twice as many dead Iraqi civilians as last year. (Los Angeles Daily News 7/23)

Maybe the name the Iraqi troops were given is somewhat less that inspiring: "Federal Emergency Military Attaches"----F.E.M.A.

[] Said the US training commander Lt. General Martin Dempsey, "You don't stand up an organization with the same commitment as you might in other organizations that's been in existence for 10 or 15 years." (Los Angeles Daily News 7/23)

Martin is from the famed 107th Artillery Battalion, known affectionately as "The Fighting Grammarians."

[] The Smithsonian Museum changed the wording of an exhibit after complaints of innacuracies in the descriptions of Brigham Young and Joseph Smith. (USA Today 7/24)

Seems they misspelled the names of 16 of their wives and several times referred to them as a "harem."
_______________________________________________
Popourri...

[] "Pirates of the Caribbean" has grossed $321.2 in its first two weeks. (USA Today 7/24)

Or, at current exchange rates, 746,810 dubloons.

[] "Lady in the Water" opened to a disappointing $18.2 million. (USA Today 7/24)

Creating a rare film industry phenomenon called a "tank within a tank."

[] Federal prosecutors subpoened Barry Bonds' medical records. (Associated Press 7/23)

So far, they've uncovered no evidence of illegal steroid use, but did note that he shared his Percodan prescription with Rush Limbaugh.
_______________________________________________
Reichstag Report July 21

[] The House voted to protect the Pledge of Allegiance from federal judges who try to stop children from reciting it in school because of the phrase "under God." (USA Today 7/20)

However a request from the White House to add "Herr Bush is my fuhrer and I will follow him to the death" was rejected.

[] Congress is about to okay a national internet database to locate convicted sexual preditors with GPS devices. (USA Today 7/20)

Similar to the system used to track pedo-priests from parish-to-parish.
___________________________________
Cross Your Heart...

[] Robert H. Brooks, the founder of Hooters, has died. (CNN 7/19)

Memorial service on Tuesday at Forest Lawn's Eternal Valley of Perpetual Cleavage.

[] Los Angeles City Council members have agreed to periodic random drug and alcohol testing. (Los Angeles Daily News 7/21)

In case any of them ever want to play in the major leagues.
_____________________________________________
Not So Fantasia...

[] Disney announces that it will cut 650 movie division jobs. (Los Angeles Daily News 7/20)

That may not mean much to you, but Snow White will now have to make do with three dwarfs and a part-time midget from Office Temp.

[] Airlines mimic the multiplex, offering passengers a choice of up to 20 movies on some flights. (USA Today 7/20)

To further enhance the experience, flight attendants pour Coke on the floor under each seat.
_______________________________________________
Rush Hour...

[] The Institute of Medicine says prescription medication errors cost $3.5 billion last year. (USA Toda7y /20)

$1.6 million for Rush Limbaugh's alone.
_______________________________________________
Jock Stop...

[] Zack Asack, Duke University's quarterback, was suspended for academic plagiarism. (USA Today 7/20)

Unfortunately, he chose to copy from another braintrust at Duke on a basketball scholarship.

[] Cubs third base coach Chris Spier was arrested on his motorcycle for DUI. (USA Today 7/20)

During a roadside sobriety test, he misidentified the signals for "bunt," "swing away" and "slide."

[] The NBA's Most Valuable Player Steve Nash shaved off his unruly hair in favor of a buzz cut. (USA Today 7/20)

Crediting several inspirational counseling sessions with Matt Lauer.
______________________________________________
Vipers In Charge... July 19

[] Samuel L. Jackson's "Snakes on a Plane" will open in August without a screening for critics. (USA Today 7/19)

Rumors are that it revolves around a typical day aboard Air Force One.

[] Princess Cruise's Crown Princess tips suddenly 30 degrees to its left injuring 45 passengers. (USA Today 7/19)

Preliminary investigation points to an unbalanced Midnight Buffet.

[] Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic Airlines will offer travelers 2 1/2 hour sub-orbital space flights for $200,000. (USA Today 7/17)

You'll still have to pick up a carry-on meal at the airport if you want more than a bag of trail mix and a Sprite.

[] F.E.M.A. will end the $2000 cash handouts to disaster evacuees. (USA Today 7/17)

They'll rely instead on random visits from Pat Sejak and Vanna White.
________________________________________________
Locker Ruminations...

[] Michele Wei, 16, withdrew from the Men's Pro Tournament in Silvis, Ill. due to heat exhaustion. (Los Angeles Times 7/18)

But golf writers pointed out that her vital signs were way above average and that her dehydration management was remarkable for an athlete her age.

[] In 1998, Emma George became the first woman to pole vault 15 feet. (Los Angeles Times 7/18)

A record that stood until 2005 when Martha Stewart attempted to scale the south wall of the Federal Correctional Center in Elvira, N.Y.
________________________________________________
Medical Revelations...

[] A Stanford School of Medicine study indicates that a foreign object is left inside a patient in one out of 10,000 surgeries. (USA Today 7/18)

In one out of 20,000, a surgeon turns up missing.

[] In a commercial for a restless leg syndrome medicine, a satisfied patient exclaims "Requip helped me make peace with my legs." (CBS 7/18)

Working hand-in-hand with Dr. Scholl who had achieved a welcome cease-fire with her feet.
____________________________________
Quality Control...

[] Peter Coors, vice president of Molson-Coors Brewing was convicted of drunk driving. (USA Today 7/17)

Turns out it wasn't the taste or the calories----it was the alcohol.

[] Pamela Anderson announced that she'll marry her on-again-off-again boyfriend Kid Rock in Saint Tropez. (USA Today 7/19)

A spokesman for the couple said the delay was due to "unresolved tattoo issues."

[] C.B.S. Chairman Leslie Moonves says the arrival of Katie Couric "is the biggest event of the fall." (USA Today 7/17)

Unless, of course, Anderson Cooper and Brian Williams announce their engagement.

[] So far, "Pirates of the Caribbean" has earned $258.2 million and "The Devil Wears Prada," $83.6 million. (USA Today 7/17)

Universal is fast-tracking production of a sequel to both to be called "The Devil Wears a Black Eye Patch."
___________________________________________________
Penta Gobbledegook... July 16

[] Said Gen. Peter J. Schoomaker, Army Chief of Staff: "I do not believe that we are losing, but where we are on the scale of winning is very difficult... " (Los Angeles Times 7/15)

The late Professor Irwin Corey built an entire vaudeville act speaking like this.

[] Rep. Katherine Harris's third campaign manager quit, citing "tantrums and increasingly erratic behavior." (Los Angeles Times 7/15)

And a Florida judge has ruled that she must be listed on the ballot as "Leona Helmsley."

___________________________________
Creepie Crawlies...

[] Michael Jackson told reporters that he's planning to move to Ireland. (CBS 7/14)

In fact, say aides, he's already fondled the Blarney Stone.

[] A University of Minnesota study shows that if the total US production of corn were converted to fuel, it would satisfy only 11% of demand. (Los Angeles Times 7/15)

Worse, the traditional dip stick would have to be replaced by a corn dog.

[] Sixteen year old drivers have three times as many accidents as 17-year olds. (Time Magazine 7/17)

Although the seventeen-year-olders still lead in accidents occurring in the BACK seat.
________________________________________________
Unrobed...

[] A poll conducted by the American Bar Association showed that fewer than half of Americans can name the three branches of government. (USA Today 7/13)

Especially the judicial branch, the one in which the ABA found Clarence Thomas unqualified to serve on the Supreme Court.

[] Al Gore is planning a sequel to his successful global warming documentary. (CBS 7/15)

Said to be even more chilling. It'll be about the warming of Katherine Harris.

(Comments? Corrections? Threats? Write to: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com
_______________________________________________
Score Bored...

[] Some Major League baseball teams offer faith nights featuring post game Christian-themed entertainment. (Los Angeles Times 7/15)

The Pittsburgh Pirates will soon offer a package featuring a twi-nite double-header followed by a flight to Lourdes.

[] The Church of Scientology will sponsor a NASCAR developmental series driver from LaVerne, Ca. (Los Angeles Times 7/15)

Which some theologians are claiming makes a mockery of racing's traditional separation of church and Quaker State.

[] Pamela Anderson claims she attends every one of her 10-year old son's soccer games. (Los Angeles Times 7/15)

Along with the dads of all the other kids... from both teams.
_______________________________________________
Reich Report... (July 14)

[] House Speaker Dennis Hastert is hospitalized for a bacterial infection. (USA Today 7/14)

During a routine physical, his doctors found that Denny was suffering from an impacted Halliburton executive.

[] The Bush administration has been forced to rethink the doctrine it hoped would remake the world, but the strategy's ineffectiveness is exposed by the very policies it prescribed. (Time Magazine 7/17)

Although Bush continues to insist that he admires Roosevelt. Not Teddy----Eleanor.
______________________________________________________
Car Pooling...

[] Several hundred mourners gathered in Houston to say goodbye to Kenneth Lay----Fellow defendant Jeff Skilling, due to be sentenced in October, was a no show. USA 7/13)

Probably afraid he'd be stuffed into the coffin with Ken.

[] Best-selling author Stephen Mansfield has signed to write a biography of Tom DeLay. (Time Magazine 7/17)

Steve is spending the summer at New York's Natural History Museum studying the habits of scum-sucking, stagnant-pond-dwelling invertebrates.
________________________________________________________
Talent Search...

[] "I intended to stroke him like a cat," said Vladimir Putin after stopping to kiss a little boy's stomach while strolling through the Kremlin. (Time Magazine 7/17)

He's been notified by the Vatican that he possesses all the qualifications for a fast track to ordination.

[] Wal-Mart will no longer prosecute first time shoplifters who steal less than $25 in merchandise. (USA Today 7/14)

They'll soon offer a new express check out line for ten hot items or fewer.
_______________________________________________________
Goal Disoriented...

[] First round World Cup victim U.S.A. fell from 5th to 76th in FIFA's world soccer rankings. (USA Today 7/13)

On the plus side, we still outrank Aruba, Iceland, Monico and the Vatican.
__________________________________________
Senior Project...

[] Greg Hogan, president of Lehigh University's class of 2008, is charged with robbing an Allentown, Pa. bank. (USA Today 7/13)

If it's any consolation to Greg's parents, his demand note was given an A- by the F.B.I.

[] Army removes the rigors of basic training for new recruits----mile runs are out, counseling in. (USA Today 7/13)

Maybe a tad too cushy. Boot camp is now called "sandal camp."

[] The N.C.A.A. has ruled that Verice Cloyd may enter the University of Alabama as a freshman----his alma mater, Genesis One Christian Academy is not, as was alleged, a diploma mill. (USA Today 7/12)

A baby mill, yes... but its sheepskins are legit.

[] Former Fresno State net standout Terry Pettis was sentenced to life in prison for murder during a botched drug robbery. (USA Today 7/12)

Apparently, he wielded his .357 Magnum completely ignoring the shot clock.

[] The N.B.A. has set the player salary cap at $53.135 million. (USA Today 7/12)

Conditioned on rookies attending the mandatory training film "How to Avoid Blowing Your Salary on Frivolous Things."
_______________________________________________________
Third Reich Frights...

[] Bush told an audience at the White House, "Tax relief is working, the economy is growing, revenues are up and the deficit is down." (USA Today 7/12)

Four lies in a row is a record for him. Usually he divides them up among the Gestapo.

[] Veterans discharged after 9/11 now will be given preference for government jobs. (Associated Press 7/12)

A guy can now go from Iraq to the Post Office without changing AK-47's.

[] House passes bill that bans the use of credit cards for online betting. (Associated Press 7/12)

That Russian roulette with the Korean nukes they ain't got time for.

(Comments? Suggestions? Corrections? Write to: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com)

[] Colorado passed a bill to bar illegal immigrants from receiving state benefits. (USA Today 7/12)
[] Colorado Wildlife Commission wants to eliminate prairie dogs, squirrels and gophers using explosive gasses. (Denver Post 7/12)

Why not save a bundle by gassing the immigrants at the same time?

[] Homeland Security Department will spend $5.5 million for a program that will allow the government to send emergency alerts to all cell phones. (Associated Press 7/12)

Why not save the five mil and let the N.S.A. phone-tappers do it?

[] The new Mercedes CLK 66 AMG Cabriolet has a 475 horsepower engine and can reach speeds of 155 m.p.h.(Los Angeles Times 7/12)

Available with an optional pace car.

[] Katie Couric's "CBS Evening News" which debuts in September will feature a new set, new theme music and high tech graphics. (Los Angeles Times 7/12)

All televised in high definition state-of-the-art perky.

[] British Parliament moves to adopt new terrorist threat levels more in line with the American version: Low, Moderate, Substantial, Severe and Critical. (USA Today 7/11)

Which will replace Bit of a Bother, Stiff Upper Lip, "Blimey, Mate," Bloody Inconvenience and "God Save the Queen."

[] Military lowers standards to meet recruiting goals----visible tattoos okay, age limit raised to 42, lower test scores qualify. (USA Today 7/11)

As long as they can name all five top qualifiers for NASCAR's Firecracker 500.

Sports Shorts

[] French captian Zinedine Zidone's head butt costs his team the World Cup. (USA Today 7/10)

He was not only ejected, but police may bring a charge of assault with an empty weapon.

On a brighter note, he was awarded the coveted Woody Hayes Trophy.

[] PGA's Cialis Western Open draws five million TV viewers, up 97% from last year's event. (USA Today 7/11)

Apparently the time was right.

[] College cheerleader programs introduce restrictions on tosses, lifts and pyramids to improve safety standards. (USA Today 7/11)

And an increased fine for being caught with a corked baton.

[] Matthew Thomas, captain of Harvard's football team, has been charged with assault, battery, domestic abuse and breaking and entering a campus dorm. (USA Today 7/10)

Activities allowed only during Homecoming Week.

[] For the first time in 95 years, no American player managed to reach the quarter finals at Wimboldon. (USA Today 7/11)

Without the U.S. performance in the World Cup, the face-painted flag-wavers would have nothing to cheer about.

(Comments? Suggestions? Threats? Write to: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com)

[] Newly released letters written by Albert Einstein shed light on his many extramarital affairs. (USA Today 7/11)

The formula really meant: Ellen = Michele and Cathy squared.

[] Greece seeks the return of ancient masterpieces from L.A.'s Getty Museum, claiming they were smuggled out of the country. (USA Today 7/11)

An allegation that severly threatens the museum's popular "Zorba Wing."

[] "Pirates" posts a record-breaking $132 million opening weekend. (Los Angeles Daily News 7/10)

Which is great for the Caribbean now that the Natalee Holloway story is cooling down.

[] Bush calls diplomacy to avert a nuclear attack by North Korea or Iran "slow and cumbersome." (New York Times 7/7)

While a preemptive strike lets you know you made a mistake almost immediately.

[] Second-in-command of Army in Iraq says some Marine officers were derelict in investigating the deaths if Iraqi citizens. (New York Times 7/8)

Which Herr Von Rumsfeld has defined as "the inherent untidiness of war."

Roman's Holiday

[] Pope visits Valencia, Spain for conference on the family----some spectators were wearing T-shirts with a sperm penetrating an egg and the caption "My First Day of Life." (New York Times 7/9)

And on the back: "Mom Got Laid and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt."

[] The Society of St. John Casetius in Chicago is devoted to preserving church relics. (Associated Press 7/8)

Like unused pulpits, used confessionals, and most cardinals.

Right Frights

[] The syndicator of Ann Coulter's newspaper column is rumored to be checking out allegations of plagiarism. (Associated Press 7/8)

Ann's not worried, though. Mein Kampf is in the public domain.

[] A US District Court judge in Texas ruled that Tom De Lay's name should remain on the November ballot. (Associated Press 7/8)

In Texas, disgraced politicians are called "Shoo-ins."

Tee Vee Bee Gees

[] Edie Falco, popular Sopranos actress, fails to receive an Emmy nomination. (Los Angeles Times 7/8)

As a precaution, Ellen DeGeneres has been placed under 24-hour guard.

[] Rumors persist that Aaron Spelling's 145-room Holmby Hills, Ca. mansion will be sold for $150,000 million. (Los Angeles Times 7/8)

In honor of Aaron's producing genius, shouldn't it go for $90,210 million?

[] Maher, Letterman, Colbert, O'Brien and Stewart are up for Best Nightime Host Emmy. (USA Today 7/7)

As a precaution, Jay Leno has been placed on a 24-hour suicide watch.

Top Pop Slop

[] A fire caused minor damage in the London home of Ozzy and Sharon Osborne. (Associated Press 7/8)

Before the flash chicken fat blaze could be extinguished, Ozzy bit the heads off three firemen.

[] Jury in Michael Jackson business fraud trial view his taped deposition. (Los Angeles Times 7/8)

Which was introduced by Janet dressed in a malfunction-proof halter top.

[] F.B.I. agents are leaving the agency in droves, lured away by private industry----the agent in charge of terrorism is leaving to take a security job with Royal Caribbean Cruises at triple his former salary. (CBS News 7/6)

That "Love Boat" rerun they showed him works every time.

[] Conservative candidate is declared the winner in Mexico's presidential election----loser refuses to concede, claiming voting place fraud. (CBS News 7/6)

Maybe, but what are the chances of TWO elections being hijacked by a conservative candidate on the same continent in the same decade?

[] Under terms of the Patriot Act, documents that N.S.A. or F.B.I. agents can demand by letter include drivers licenses, hotel bills, storage rental agreements, apartment leases, cash deposits, digital money transfers, casino credit records, bank transactions, patient business records and personal health information. (USA Today 7/6)

Jokingly referred to by Bush and his gang of unleashed jackels as "Rove's Trove."

The Sporting News...

[] Scientists are working to develop bug repellants that use chemicals found in human body odor that insects hate. (USA Today 7/6)

Most of their research is being conducted downwind of major N.F.L. locker rooms.

[] The captains of the World Cup finalist teams are both in the running for the coveted "Golden Ball Award." (Cable News Network 7/6)

Not to be confused with the coveted trophy the A.M.A. gives their top urologist.

[] Golf Digest Magazine ranked the top 100 doctors who excel in golf. (Cable News Network 7/6)

Winning handicaps were determined by a select panel of pharmacists who examined and somehow managed to translate 10,347 score cards.

[] Rice calls long-range missile crisis a threat to America's security. (Cable News Network 7/4)

And with good cause. This year, even North Korea could hit Pittsburgh.

[] Idol stars kick off new tour----T-shirts $25,Teddy Bears $20, key chains and photos $5, buttons $3. (USA Today 7/6)

Deciding not to attend in order to discourage mediocrity, priceless.

[] Auto makers have discontinued hand-cranked windows in all their new models. (USA Today 7/6)

About the only thing that can be hand-cranked these days is the driver.

[] C.B.S will air the annual "Fashion Rocks" benefit from New York's Radio City Music Hall in September. (USA Today 7/6)

N.B.C. will counter with a TV version of "The Devil Wears Prada" and A.B.C. will air a Barbara Walters interview of Merrill Streep.

[] Atlantic City casinos were shuttered as New Jersey budget standoff continued. (USA Today 7/6)

Inveterate craps players had to make do by rolling each other.

[] Screen legend Sophia Loren, 71, is the oldest woman ever to pose for the annual Pirelli Calendar due out in November. (USA Today 7/6)

If the buzz is correct, she'll be wearing nothing but a steel-belted radial.

Mug Shots...

[] Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the bull was charged with attacking a security guard at the "Taste of Chicago" outdoor festival. (USA Today 7/5)

Benny faces a possible fine, jail time and castration.

[] Florida prosecutors will not press charges against Rush Limbaugh for possession of Viagra not in his name found by airport security agents. (Cable News Network 7/5)

They may, however, press the lesser charge of carrying an unloaded weapon aboard an aircraft.

Obits? You Bet...

[] Kenneth Lay, former Enron CEO, died of coronary artery disease in Aspen, Colo. at age 64. (Cable News Network 7/5)

He'll be interred in Forest Lawn's Valley of Perpetual Serenity beside the Heavenly Rest Mausoleum for Eternally Screwed Shareholders.

[] Abbe Stockton, known as the "First Lady of Iron," who organized the first weightlifting competition for women in 1947, has passed away in Santa Monica, Ca. at age 88. (Time Magazine 7/10)

A stickler for physical conditioning, Abbe celebrated her 65th birthday by bench pressing Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Satisfaction...

[] Keith Richards will play Jack Sparrow's father in the next installment of "Pirates of the Caribbean." (USA Today 7/5)

Which should be a snap for him. He thinks he's in the current one.

Muted Outrage...

[] Joint Chiefs Chairman promises punishment for soldier accused of rape, murder of Iraqi family----Said Marine Gen. Peter Pace, "Any such acts are totally unacceptable." (USA Today 7/5)

Not to mention inappropriate.

Taxi!...

[] Cabbie strike in Italy snarls traffic----airport drivers in Milan, Rome and Turin refuse to pick up passengers. (USA Today 7/5)

Think Manhattan at rush hour.

Gestapo Today...

[] The "Freedom of Information Act," which Lyndon Johnson was afraid to sign in public for fear of calling attention to it, turned 40 years old this week. (USA Today 7/5)

Virtually castrated by Bush & Co., it will be put on display in the Smithsonian along with other passing curiosities like the pet rock, the hula hoop and the cabbage patch doll.

Bobbing For Rednecks... (July 4)

[] At the Pepsi 400 in Daytona Beach, Florida, Cheney told the spectators of his devotion to stock cars. (Los Angeles Daily News 7/4)

"Twelve Gauge" Dick actually assumes those tooth-challenged, bible-tapping mulletheads vote.

[] Ahead by 402,700 votes, Felipe Calderon declared himself the winner over Lopez Obrador in the Mexican presidential election. (USA Today 7/4)

He ran his winning campaign on a promise to seal the border against Americans illegally entering the country disguised as cruise ship tourists.

[] The Army is investigating a possible friendly fire death in Eastern Afghanistan. (Los Angeles Times 7/2)

During "Operation Pat Tillman."

[] In a newly-released video, Osama bin Laden endorsed Al Muhajir as Zarquair's successor. (Associated Press 7/2)

And again denied persistent rumors that he's been dating Ann Coulter.

[] Despite loss of a 3-inch piece of foam on the launchpad, NASA successfully sends shuttle Discovery into space. (Cable News Network 7/4)

So as not to ruin the Fourth in the event of a malfunction, NASA engineers were standing by with pack of Mentos and a case of Diet Coke.

Score Bored...

[] The longest match in Wimboldon history took place in 1982 when Jimmy Conners defeated John McEnroe in 4 hours and 16 minutes. (USA Today 7/4)

Another record: McEnroe asked the line judge "Are you KIDDING me?" 56 times.

[] ESPN televised the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island, New York. (Los Angeles Times 7/4)

It was nice being able to watch someone choke other than Phil Mickelson.

[] A judge in Milwaukee ordered a woman, alleged to be a stalker, to stay at least 1000 yards from Bob Ueker. (Associated Press 7/4)

Ann Ladd, 45, told the court she was training to stalk Vin Scully.

Tabloid Tattler...

[] Former A-List divas Beyonce, Christina Aguilera, Janet Jackson, Jessica Simpson and Jewel all have hit the pop charts with comeback albums. (New York Times 7/4)

While none expects to regain their former lustre, they hope to reach, at the very least, Taylor Hicks level.

[] The Archives of General Psychiatry reports that mood and anxiety disorders are 25% more common among the obese. (USA Today 7/4)

Gee, and Kirstie Alley always seemed so at peace with herself.

[] "In the Ask Amy column, the name of comedian Bobcat Golthwait was misspelled Goldthwaite." (Los Angeles Times 7/2)

And we thought it was spelled "H-a-s-b-e-e-n."

[] US-based automakers stand by helplessly as sales plummet 18/7%. (Los Angeles Times 7/4)

Detroit's new motto: "What's made here stays here."

[] Lieberman says he'll seek re-election as an Independent if he loses the Democratic primary. (USA Today 4/7)

Al Gore claims Al's brain cells are melting faster than the polar icecap.

Iraqniphobia...

[] The new Iraqi government has issued a "41 Most Wanted" list that includes Saddam's wife and daughter.(USA Today 7/3)

Since they can't publish their mug shots on playing cards, they're using majong tiles.

[] Cheney's doctors have scheduled a treadmill stress test for the fall. (USA Today 7/3)

Wouldn't you think the daily reports of car bomb carnage coming out of the war zone would have done the trick by now?

[] Cheney has undergone quadruple bypass surgery, two angioplasties, and carries an implanted cardioverter defibrilator. (USA Today 7/3)

None of which, unfortunately, has cured his itchy trigger finger.

Gavel Drivel...

[] An LA court has ruled that the Nick Lachey-Jessica Simpson marriage is officially over. (USA Today 7/3)

Under the terms of the divorce, neither is allowed to appear as a contestant on "So You Think You Can Dance?"

[] The law journal Green Bay offers subscribers bobblehead figures modeled after members of the Supreme Court. (Los Angeles Times 7/3)

The Clarence Thomas version is available with an optional Anita Hill action figure.

[] Rapper Li'l Kim was released from a Philadelphia jail after serving time for perjury. (Los Angeles Times 7/3)

During which she changed her name to Big Cell Block 9 Kim.

Sports Shorts...

[] Andre Agassi, 36, retired after losing his final Wimboldon match. (USA Today 7/3)
[] Michele Wie, 16, falters in US Open, places third. (USA Today 7/3)

On a brighter note for the talented duo, there are marriage rumors.

[] Pope to canonize four new saints including an Indiana nun. (USA Today 7/2)

New saints must be responsible for at least two miracles... like a cured illness or a win by the Atlanta Braves.

[] David Beckham quit as captain of England's soccer team after their loss in the World Cup quarter finals. (USA Today 7/3)

The job earned him $27 million a year in salary and endorsements and unlimited access to the Spice Girls.

[] China has unveiled a high-speed train that will carry passengers 2500 miles from Beijing to Tibet. (USA Today 7/3)

Amid rumblings from the Bush administration that it's nothing but a very convincing Amtrak knock-off.

[] ComposerAndrew Lloyd Webber will place Picasso's "Angel Fernandez de Soto" up for auction. (USA Today 7/1)

Rare, because it's the only Picasso that has a car in it.

[] "Superman" grossed a healthy $52.5 million in its opening weekend... producers predict $100 million by mid-week. (USA Today 7/3)

Now their problem is how to protect their booty from the Pirates of the Caribbean.

[] Cheney entered George Washington Medical Center to have his cardiac pacemaker checked. (Associated Press 7/1)

One of the few times he's stopped at a hospital not to visit someone he shot.

[] Bush and Japan's Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi spent the afternoon touring Graceland. (Associated Press 7/1)

Where the PM was given souvenir Elvis sunglasses... sideburns... and methamphetamines.

Science Digested...

[] The Journal Science reports that ants foraging for food find their way home by counting their steps. (Los Angeles Times 7/1)

At least those who didn't choose the OnStar Navigation Package.

[] The Navy has been given permission to test its underwater sonar despite possible harm to whales. (Los Angeles Times 7/1)

No surprise here. The rule at the White House is no protection for sea life unless it's on the menu at Red Lobster.

Jock Shockers...

[] A doping investigation has snagged Tour de France faves Jan Ullrich and Ivan Bosso, casting a shadow over this year's race. (Associated Press 7/1)

Attempting to put their best face on the scandal, organizers have renamed the event the Tour de Limbaugh.

[] Evander Holyfield will come out of retirement at age 43 to fight Jeremy Bate next month. (Los Angeles Times 7/1)

During which he'll wear a specially designed mouthpiece-hearing aid.

[] "Crime of Fashion!" trumpeted London's Guardian over Bethanie Mattek's Wimboldon outfit of knee-high socks, short shorts and a tube top. (USA Today 6/30)

"Beth was perfectly put together," said Mattek's fashion coach, Mr.Blackwell.

[] Thomas G. Arthur, creator of the Dodger Dog, has died at age 84. (Los Angeles Daily News 7/2)

In his honor, an autogrpahed barbecue mitt will be put on permanent display at Cooperstown.

Pop Schlock...

[] In London, David Hasselhoff severed a tendon in his arm when a chandelier broke. (Associated Press 7/1)

Putting Dave virtually out of the running for the lead in the beach version of Phantom.

[] Tony Sirico and Steven Van Zandt are holding out for double last season's salary to return to "The Sopranos." (Associated Press 7/1)

HBO is playing rough. One morning last week, Tony woke up with the head of Star Jones in bed with him.

[] Sir Peter Smithers, WWII spy who inspired Ian Fleming's James Bond died in Switzerland at age 92. (USA Today 6/29)

In accordance with his final wishes, he'll be cremated and his ashes stirred, not shaken.

[] Britney Spears appears naked on the cover of Harpers Bazaar patting her tot-filled tummy. (Associated Press 7/2)

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are shown making a baby on the cover of the new AAA Guidebook to Namibia.

[] UPS has reached a tentative agreement with the pilots' union, averting a threatened strike. (Associated Press 7/1)

The company finally relaxed their long standing rule requiring brown shorts in the cockpit.

Wide World Of...

[] The NCAA has added a new bowl game to replace the ev1.net Houston Bowl which which was having financial difficulties. (USA Today 6/29)

Which itself replaced the Pizer Erectile Dysfunction Bowl which failed to overcome limp ticket sales.

[] The American Hockey League became the second minor league to require face protection for all players. (USA Today 6/29)

After a league official noticed that most of the smiles in team photos looked like the black and white keys on a Steinway.

Pompous Fools on the March...

[] Pledge legislation stalls in House, Senate flag-burning defeat a setback for GOP agenda. (Associated Press 6/29)
[] Supreme Court rules against Bush war powers. (Associated Press 6/29)

Could it be possible at long last that those flag-wrapped scoundrels might be getting the hint?

[] Cardinal Alfonso Lopez Trujillo, head of the Vatican's Pontifical Council for the Family, said "The only possible couple is made up of a man and a woman." (Associated Press 6/29)

Or, in certain situations meriting a papal dispensation, a man and an altar boy.

[] Breach of contract lawsuit against Michael Jackson begins in Santa Monica, Ca. (USA Today 6/29)

Though he's not scheduled to take the stand, Michael was seen briefly dangling one of his lawyers from a second floor balcony.