Evangelist Pat Robertson who supports the legalization of marijuana claims to have discovered a reference to it in the bible -- Cheech 12:16 “Dooby unto others as thou would want to be doobied to.”
Federal authorities are investigating charges that Christine O’Donnell used campaign contributions to pay personal expenses. Suspicious write-offs include dried frogs’ tongues, tarantula carcasses and a large, cast-iron cauldron.
On Maine’s Sugerloaf Mountain, high winds were blamed for a ski lift failure that dumped ten skiers 30 feet into soft snow. No one was seriously hurt, but the bad news is witnesses on the ground say none of them scored higher than a 7.5.
This week marks the discovery in 1924 of other galaxies by astronomer Edwin Hubble whose namesake telescope is so powerful, it’s been able to spot liquid water on Mars, space debris from the Starship Enterprise and James Cameron’s summer home on Pandora.
The Post Office will honor NASA with a commemorative stamp featuring a portrait of astronaut Alan Shepard. The adhesive will be available in three flavors: orange, grapefruit and strawberry Tang.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
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THURSDAY, December 30, 2010
Prince William and Kate Middleton have announced that, once married, they’ll do without servants, shopping and performing household chores themselves. It’s being called the most shocking rejection of royal privilege since King Henry VIII decided to perform his own be-headings.
According to Pollstar, Lady Gaga was the hardest working rock star in 2010, performing in 138 shows and earning $134 million. And that’s not even counting the $10 million she was paid by the International Processed Beef & Cold-cuts Council.
Lady Gaga placed fourth in earnings after Bon Jovi, AC/DC and U2. For those not familiar with rock-profit terminology, earnings of $132 million works out to about sixty-five million per Ga.
The Discovery Channel aired an hour-long documentary that closely examined Michael Jackson’s coroner’s report. As expected, ratings exceeded those for Elvis’s coroner’s report.
Nutritionists at Oklahoma State University have developed peanut butter that comes in cellophane-wrapped slices. Kids love it but moms could do without one unfortunate side-effect -- it trends to stick to the top of the refrigerator.
According to Pollstar, Lady Gaga was the hardest working rock star in 2010, performing in 138 shows and earning $134 million. And that’s not even counting the $10 million she was paid by the International Processed Beef & Cold-cuts Council.
Lady Gaga placed fourth in earnings after Bon Jovi, AC/DC and U2. For those not familiar with rock-profit terminology, earnings of $132 million works out to about sixty-five million per Ga.
The Discovery Channel aired an hour-long documentary that closely examined Michael Jackson’s coroner’s report. As expected, ratings exceeded those for Elvis’s coroner’s report.
Nutritionists at Oklahoma State University have developed peanut butter that comes in cellophane-wrapped slices. Kids love it but moms could do without one unfortunate side-effect -- it trends to stick to the top of the refrigerator.
WEDNESDAY, December 29, 2010
The US Department of Justice has uncovered an Al-Qaeda plot to poison restaurant salad bars. Some chains are responding. Marie Callender’s installed bullet-proof sneeze guards and runs the dried banana chips through an arsenic-detector.
Airport authorities in Berlin hired circus clowns to entertain the thousands of passengers whose flights had been canceled. They made quite an entrance. Who knew you could stuff 836 clowns into a 747?
After two losing seasons, Forty-Niners coach Mike Singletary was fired following a loss to the Rams. The owners had class, though. They hired Tony Bennett to sing “I Left My Job in San Francisco” over the PA system.
A new study shows that college students are, on average, 15 pounds heavier at graduation. A majority of high school girls do, too, but return to normal once the baby is born.
Faced with expenses they can’t meet, many small cities in England are leaving their street lights off at night. Bad news on two fronts. Auto accidents are up 30% and hookers are staying home because they have nothing to stand under.
Airport authorities in Berlin hired circus clowns to entertain the thousands of passengers whose flights had been canceled. They made quite an entrance. Who knew you could stuff 836 clowns into a 747?
After two losing seasons, Forty-Niners coach Mike Singletary was fired following a loss to the Rams. The owners had class, though. They hired Tony Bennett to sing “I Left My Job in San Francisco” over the PA system.
A new study shows that college students are, on average, 15 pounds heavier at graduation. A majority of high school girls do, too, but return to normal once the baby is born.
Faced with expenses they can’t meet, many small cities in England are leaving their street lights off at night. Bad news on two fronts. Auto accidents are up 30% and hookers are staying home because they have nothing to stand under.
TUESDAY, December 28, 2010
When Playboy magnate Hugh Hefner, 84, became engaged to Playmate Chrystal Harris, 24, on Christmas Eve it came as a complete surprise to his staff. He had said he was “looking for a rock,” but they were thinking more along the lines of “headstone.”
The producers of “The Black Swan” ordered some exit polls after box office grosses outstripped expectations. Turns out fans of the Marx Brothers are showing up thinking it’s a remake of “Duck Soup.”
US Marines are now teaching the Guatemalan Army how to fight the Mexican drug cartels. They even gave them their fight song, “From the Halls of Montezuma’s Revenge, to the Shores of Mexicali.”
Archeologists uncovered evidence that Neanderthals ate vegetables as well as meat and switched from hunting to gathering when they discovered it’s easier to gather a head of cabbage than wrestle a wooly mammoth.
There’s a movement underway to nominate net bad boy Dennis Rodman to the NBA Hall of Fame. Hoop scribes are unanimous in the opinion that he has about the same chance as Pete Rose.
The producers of “The Black Swan” ordered some exit polls after box office grosses outstripped expectations. Turns out fans of the Marx Brothers are showing up thinking it’s a remake of “Duck Soup.”
US Marines are now teaching the Guatemalan Army how to fight the Mexican drug cartels. They even gave them their fight song, “From the Halls of Montezuma’s Revenge, to the Shores of Mexicali.”
Archeologists uncovered evidence that Neanderthals ate vegetables as well as meat and switched from hunting to gathering when they discovered it’s easier to gather a head of cabbage than wrestle a wooly mammoth.
There’s a movement underway to nominate net bad boy Dennis Rodman to the NBA Hall of Fame. Hoop scribes are unanimous in the opinion that he has about the same chance as Pete Rose.
MONDAY, December 27, 2010
The American Heart Association warns that teens should cut down on their salt intake to avoid high blood pressure. Good luck. Mention hypertension to the average teen and he’ll say “Oh, are they on tour?”
Again last week, disaster hit the set of Broadway‘s “Spiderman” when a cast member dropped 30 feet into the orchestra pit. The theater now posts a color-coded threat level warning over the marquee.
A recent survey shows that 36% of children under twelve own a smart phone. Yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker that said “My Kid’s Smart Phone Made the Honor Roll at St. Patrick’s Elementary.”
Doctors warn that children exposed to incense in the home face a greater risk of asthma. Makes sense. The average tech support operator at Microsoft loses 13 workdays a year due to second-hand incense.
Reality chef Juan Carlos Cruz, serving nine years for hiring a hit man to kill his wife, is adapting well to prison life. Already, he’s authored an inmate cookbook entitled “101 Ways to Prepare Slop.”
Again last week, disaster hit the set of Broadway‘s “Spiderman” when a cast member dropped 30 feet into the orchestra pit. The theater now posts a color-coded threat level warning over the marquee.
A recent survey shows that 36% of children under twelve own a smart phone. Yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker that said “My Kid’s Smart Phone Made the Honor Roll at St. Patrick’s Elementary.”
Doctors warn that children exposed to incense in the home face a greater risk of asthma. Makes sense. The average tech support operator at Microsoft loses 13 workdays a year due to second-hand incense.
Reality chef Juan Carlos Cruz, serving nine years for hiring a hit man to kill his wife, is adapting well to prison life. Already, he’s authored an inmate cookbook entitled “101 Ways to Prepare Slop.”
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 24, 25, 26
Scientists at UC Berkeley have discovered a greener fuel for automobiles that’s made from swimming pool algae. Shell now offers three grades: Regular, High test and “Mosquitoes Delight.”
A study by Harvard Med School's Brigham & Womans Hospital shows that bald men face a 36% higher heart attack risk. Now doctors are advising men to take two tablets a day -- aspirin and Rogaine.
Studies show that 80% of Japanese husbands never pitch in to help their wives around the house. With the exception of sumo wrestlers who by tradition change their own diapers.
Scientists at Glasgow University have produced what they believe is the world's smallest Christmas card -- so tiny, you could hang 50,000 of them over the fireplace.
The 150-room Hotel de Crillon in Paris was sold to a member of the Saudi royal family for an estimated $328 million. Already changes are evident. Available bed sizes now include “King,” “Queen” and “Harem.”
A study by Harvard Med School's Brigham & Womans Hospital shows that bald men face a 36% higher heart attack risk. Now doctors are advising men to take two tablets a day -- aspirin and Rogaine.
Studies show that 80% of Japanese husbands never pitch in to help their wives around the house. With the exception of sumo wrestlers who by tradition change their own diapers.
Scientists at Glasgow University have produced what they believe is the world's smallest Christmas card -- so tiny, you could hang 50,000 of them over the fireplace.
The 150-room Hotel de Crillon in Paris was sold to a member of the Saudi royal family for an estimated $328 million. Already changes are evident. Available bed sizes now include “King,” “Queen” and “Harem.”
THURSDAY, December 23, 2010
According to historical records, "mistle" was the Anglo-Saxon word for "dung" and "toe" meant "twig" -- producing "mistletoe," "dung on a twig." From now on, Aunt Hilda’s doorstop-hard fruitcake won’t seem so bad, will it?.
High school drama classes traditionally stage “A Christmas Carol” this week. With a few updates, of course. In the modern version, Tiny Tim tells Bob Cratchet, "Only a turkey? I was hoping for a I-Pad.”
The parade of bowl games will soon flood TV, including the “Motor City Bowl,” the “Humanitarian Bowl,” the “Music City Bowl” and the “Outback Bowl.” Lowest scoring teams win coveted slots in the “Tidy Bowl Bowl.”
A Scripps Oceanography study shows that bowhead whales can live over 200 years, making them the earth's longest-living mammals. And smart, too. Most opt for early retirement when they hit 162.
Travelers on Lufthansa may watch a 10-minute video of exercises called “Flyrobics” that can be performed while seated. Routines include "Burp Bag Deep Breathing," “Overhead Bin Stretches,” and "Tray Table Pushups."
High school drama classes traditionally stage “A Christmas Carol” this week. With a few updates, of course. In the modern version, Tiny Tim tells Bob Cratchet, "Only a turkey? I was hoping for a I-Pad.”
The parade of bowl games will soon flood TV, including the “Motor City Bowl,” the “Humanitarian Bowl,” the “Music City Bowl” and the “Outback Bowl.” Lowest scoring teams win coveted slots in the “Tidy Bowl Bowl.”
A Scripps Oceanography study shows that bowhead whales can live over 200 years, making them the earth's longest-living mammals. And smart, too. Most opt for early retirement when they hit 162.
Travelers on Lufthansa may watch a 10-minute video of exercises called “Flyrobics” that can be performed while seated. Routines include "Burp Bag Deep Breathing," “Overhead Bin Stretches,” and "Tray Table Pushups."
WEDNESDAY, December 22, 2010
Among the signs that the government is facing drastic budget cuts, this year’s White House lawn Nativity Scene features Three Average Men and the baby Jesus is a lookalike.
The Air Force is boycotting the New York Times in retaliation for their Wikileaks disclosures. Meanwhile, its founder Julian Assange had his annual physical and was told he has a leaking wiki.
The hottest new video game “World of Warcraft” sold a record-breaking 3.3 million copies in two days. You thought it was tough getting our troops out of Iraq -- try getting your kids out.
In a major revamping of its web pages, Facebook has added more room for subscribers’ use. Users love it. Now there’s more room to comment on all the strangers who claim to be your “friends.”
After spirited debate, the Swiss parliament legalized consensual sex between blood relatives. The measure was sponsored by southern Sweden’s popular Bobby Joe Swensen and his wife/couisin, Dixie Belle.
The Air Force is boycotting the New York Times in retaliation for their Wikileaks disclosures. Meanwhile, its founder Julian Assange had his annual physical and was told he has a leaking wiki.
The hottest new video game “World of Warcraft” sold a record-breaking 3.3 million copies in two days. You thought it was tough getting our troops out of Iraq -- try getting your kids out.
In a major revamping of its web pages, Facebook has added more room for subscribers’ use. Users love it. Now there’s more room to comment on all the strangers who claim to be your “friends.”
After spirited debate, the Swiss parliament legalized consensual sex between blood relatives. The measure was sponsored by southern Sweden’s popular Bobby Joe Swensen and his wife/couisin, Dixie Belle.
TUESDAY, December 21, 2010
After years of experimentation, the Russians have developed a hybrid sedan powered by a mixture of gasoline and vodka. Not only economical, it’s quick, too -- goes from zero to sixty in 12 steps.
Officials in Qatar, site of the 2022 World Games, warn that alcohol and gay sex will be off limits for athletes. In fact, each team will be allowed only one gay on the roster to crochet holes in their goal net.
A current study on aging shows that many seniors keep their minds sharp by doing puzzles and brain-teasers. Most common puzzlers used are Trivia games, crosswords and remembering to deactivate the turn signal on the freeway.
Tufts University is experimenting with a program allowing students to bring dogs on campus to reduce the stress of final exams. Which will give students a new excuse -- “The dog ate my answers.”
Studies have shown that girls realize the benefits of being slender by the age of three. Products already cashing in include Nutri-Slim teething rings, Jenny Craig high-fiber Zwieback, and designer Dr. Denton’s.
Officials in Qatar, site of the 2022 World Games, warn that alcohol and gay sex will be off limits for athletes. In fact, each team will be allowed only one gay on the roster to crochet holes in their goal net.
A current study on aging shows that many seniors keep their minds sharp by doing puzzles and brain-teasers. Most common puzzlers used are Trivia games, crosswords and remembering to deactivate the turn signal on the freeway.
Tufts University is experimenting with a program allowing students to bring dogs on campus to reduce the stress of final exams. Which will give students a new excuse -- “The dog ate my answers.”
Studies have shown that girls realize the benefits of being slender by the age of three. Products already cashing in include Nutri-Slim teething rings, Jenny Craig high-fiber Zwieback, and designer Dr. Denton’s.
MONDAY, December 20, 2010
Russian scientists evaluated the risk and decided to open the Chernoble nuclear melt-down site to tourists. Souvenir-hunters are going crazy. Where else can you vacation and bring home an extra body part?
According to studies by the Highway Safety Council, New York City commuters spend the most time each working day behind the wheel. And that’s not counting time spent trying to shake off beggars attempting to squeegee their windshield in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Last April, China tested its control of the internet by intercepting 15% of e-mail traffic for less than a nanosecond. It would have gone unnoticed, but several of the messages contained a strip along the bottom with the sender’s fortune.
While internet use by Americans 65 and older is on the rise, only 4% in that age group use Twitter. Probably due to confusion over the term. In their day, “twittering” was what they did in the backseat of a ‘49 Buick.
New York City’s mayor Michael Bloomberg has asked Christmas tree lot owners to keep them open 24-7 -- for security, shopping convenience, and to simulate the forests which were stripped bare by developers.
According to studies by the Highway Safety Council, New York City commuters spend the most time each working day behind the wheel. And that’s not counting time spent trying to shake off beggars attempting to squeegee their windshield in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Last April, China tested its control of the internet by intercepting 15% of e-mail traffic for less than a nanosecond. It would have gone unnoticed, but several of the messages contained a strip along the bottom with the sender’s fortune.
While internet use by Americans 65 and older is on the rise, only 4% in that age group use Twitter. Probably due to confusion over the term. In their day, “twittering” was what they did in the backseat of a ‘49 Buick.
New York City’s mayor Michael Bloomberg has asked Christmas tree lot owners to keep them open 24-7 -- for security, shopping convenience, and to simulate the forests which were stripped bare by developers.
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 17, 18, 19, 2010
The ultra-plush Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi is displaying the world’s most expensive Christmas tree valued at $7 million and decorated with diamonds, emeralds, rubies and gold jewelry. It even has a real star on top -- not a star-shaped ornament -- an actual star, Elton John.
A pot grower in Berlin was caught with a six-foot tall marijuana plant he'd decorated as a Christmas tree. Suspicious authorities investigated further when they noticed it was flashing on and off by itself.
One of several caskets used in 1973 to bury JFK’s assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, is up for sale. If you’re willing to pay a little bit more, you can get the one that he’s still in.
Blake Edwards, producer of the widely popular 1960’s Pink Panther movies has died in Hollywood at age 88. The cartoon character became well-known all over the world and especially in France where he was referred to as the “gay jungle creature.”
In a KFC-sponsored contest, an Ohio high-schooler won a $20,000 college scholarship for a tweet that best argued why she needed the money. However, the Colonel asked for his money back after learning she plans to major in nutrition.
_______________________
And now, our annual tradition to wish all of you Happy Holidays…
The 12 Frys of Christmas
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 7 Googles goog-ling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 8 Yahoos hoo-ing, 7 Googles goog-ling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 10 dial-ups creeping, 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 11 cursors dragging, 10 dial-ups creeping, 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 12 wiggies wagging, 11 cursors dragging, 10 dial-ups creeping, 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
A pot grower in Berlin was caught with a six-foot tall marijuana plant he'd decorated as a Christmas tree. Suspicious authorities investigated further when they noticed it was flashing on and off by itself.
One of several caskets used in 1973 to bury JFK’s assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, is up for sale. If you’re willing to pay a little bit more, you can get the one that he’s still in.
Blake Edwards, producer of the widely popular 1960’s Pink Panther movies has died in Hollywood at age 88. The cartoon character became well-known all over the world and especially in France where he was referred to as the “gay jungle creature.”
In a KFC-sponsored contest, an Ohio high-schooler won a $20,000 college scholarship for a tweet that best argued why she needed the money. However, the Colonel asked for his money back after learning she plans to major in nutrition.
_______________________
And now, our annual tradition to wish all of you Happy Holidays…
The 12 Frys of Christmas
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 7 Googles goog-ling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 8 Yahoos hoo-ing, 7 Googles goog-ling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 10 dial-ups creeping, 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and a "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 11 cursors dragging, 10 dial-ups creeping, 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 12 wiggies wagging, 11 cursors dragging, 10 dial-ups creeping, 9 Nortons sweeping, 8 Yahoos hooing, 7 Googles googling, 6 flash drives flashing, 5 gold upgrades... 4 CD stacks, 3 printer/fax, 2 refurbished Macs and A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
THURSDAY, November 16, 2010
Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin toured Haiti last weekend with a major service organization, telling reporters she’s wanted to see the country ever since singing about it as a child. Next, she plans to visit its sister cities, “Hydie” and “Ho.”
Christine O’Donnell’s “I am not a witch” tied on Yale Law School’s annual list of “Top 10 Quotes” with BP CEO Tony Howard’s “I’d like my life back.” Second runner-up was Tiger Woods’ “Cell phone… what cell phone??? That’s not mine!!!”
Juan Carlos-Cruz, known on the Cooking Channel as the “Calorie Commando,” was sentenced to nine years for hiring a hit man to knock off his wife. Not in the conventional way, though -- he wanted her sauteed in a delicate Indian curry bouillabaisse.
Thirty years after the debut of her popular exercise video, Jane Fonda, now 72, is back with a sequel. New exercises she recommends are ab crunches, deep knee bends and beating a punching bag effigy of Ted Turner.
The Vatican was named one of the world’s greenest cities after installation of solar panels on many of its rooftops. Visiting Catholics are ecstatic. It’s exactly what they needed -- energy efficient, easier-to-see apparitions.
Christine O’Donnell’s “I am not a witch” tied on Yale Law School’s annual list of “Top 10 Quotes” with BP CEO Tony Howard’s “I’d like my life back.” Second runner-up was Tiger Woods’ “Cell phone… what cell phone??? That’s not mine!!!”
Juan Carlos-Cruz, known on the Cooking Channel as the “Calorie Commando,” was sentenced to nine years for hiring a hit man to knock off his wife. Not in the conventional way, though -- he wanted her sauteed in a delicate Indian curry bouillabaisse.
Thirty years after the debut of her popular exercise video, Jane Fonda, now 72, is back with a sequel. New exercises she recommends are ab crunches, deep knee bends and beating a punching bag effigy of Ted Turner.
The Vatican was named one of the world’s greenest cities after installation of solar panels on many of its rooftops. Visiting Catholics are ecstatic. It’s exactly what they needed -- energy efficient, easier-to-see apparitions.
WEDNESDAY, December 15, 2010
For the first time since 1992, Brett Favre watched from the sideline as the New York Giants defeated the Minnesota Vikings 21-3. After the game, Brett’s next-of-kin were called and gave the coaching staff a “do not resuscitate career” order.
Wal-Mart will soon offer wine in vending machines. In keeping with long-standing company policy, the vintages offered will be limited to those bottled in Third World Countries from grapes picked and crushed by underage vineyard workers.
Responding to customer complaints that their mouthwash tastes too much like a doctor’s office smells, the makers of Listerine introduced a “less medicinal” version called “Zero.” It still tastes like a doctor’s office, but at an HMO.
Returning from lunch, a musician in London discovered his $1.9 million Stradivarius had been stolen from his car. Police soon arrested a freeway on-ramp beggar holding up a sign that said: “Will play Flight of the Bumblebee for food.”
British researchers discovered that the brains of jet pilots are genetically wired to make critical decisions under pressure more quickly -- like determining safe altitude, assimilating navigational data, and making multiple cocktail choices prior to takeoff.
Wal-Mart will soon offer wine in vending machines. In keeping with long-standing company policy, the vintages offered will be limited to those bottled in Third World Countries from grapes picked and crushed by underage vineyard workers.
Responding to customer complaints that their mouthwash tastes too much like a doctor’s office smells, the makers of Listerine introduced a “less medicinal” version called “Zero.” It still tastes like a doctor’s office, but at an HMO.
Returning from lunch, a musician in London discovered his $1.9 million Stradivarius had been stolen from his car. Police soon arrested a freeway on-ramp beggar holding up a sign that said: “Will play Flight of the Bumblebee for food.”
British researchers discovered that the brains of jet pilots are genetically wired to make critical decisions under pressure more quickly -- like determining safe altitude, assimilating navigational data, and making multiple cocktail choices prior to takeoff.
TUESDAY, December 14, 2010
Starting in January, Amtrak will allow passengers to bring concealed weapons on board. What were they thinking? May be time for them to take another peek at “Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid.”
Officials in major countries were stunned when the 2022 World Cup matches were awarded to tiny Qatar which is so small each visiting team will be awarded a free bonus goal just for finding it.
Convicted cult leader Charles Manson was discovered by guards using a cell phone. Seems he had taken advantage of Verizon’s new “cellblock-to-cellblock” package which includes a handsome striped case, call-from-the-governor waiting and no roaming charges.
Along with Oprah Winfrey and Robert Redford, former Beatle Paul McCartney was recently feted at the Kennedy Center Honors. In a related story, Ringo was presented with the coveted “High Hat” award from the Association of NFL Drum Majorettes.
In an effort to raise the sophistication level of their customers, 7-Eleven will soon feature their own house wine from Napa’s Cherrywood Cellars. It will come in a bottle, a box or a Slurpee.
Officials in major countries were stunned when the 2022 World Cup matches were awarded to tiny Qatar which is so small each visiting team will be awarded a free bonus goal just for finding it.
Convicted cult leader Charles Manson was discovered by guards using a cell phone. Seems he had taken advantage of Verizon’s new “cellblock-to-cellblock” package which includes a handsome striped case, call-from-the-governor waiting and no roaming charges.
Along with Oprah Winfrey and Robert Redford, former Beatle Paul McCartney was recently feted at the Kennedy Center Honors. In a related story, Ringo was presented with the coveted “High Hat” award from the Association of NFL Drum Majorettes.
In an effort to raise the sophistication level of their customers, 7-Eleven will soon feature their own house wine from Napa’s Cherrywood Cellars. It will come in a bottle, a box or a Slurpee.
MONDAY, December 13, 2010
In New York, a Catholic nun at Iona College was charged with embezzling $850,000 from the school over a ten year period. A clerk alerted authorities when she walked into Neiman-Marcus and asked if they had any designer rosary beads.
Londoners were aghast when demonstrators threw paint and raw eggs at a vintage Rolls-Royce containing Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla. No one could believe it. With all the cutbacks, who can afford to waste eggs?
Ann Ward has been named “America’s Next Top Model.” She received a contract to pose for the cover of “Vogue,” a five year supply of Lancome cosmetics, and her choice from next year’s New York Jets draft picks.
The 1891 document containing the original rules for basketball by James Naismith fetched a record-breaking $4.3 million at auction. The buyers were the owners of the New Jersey Nets who hope to find loopholes in the scoring process.
Wal-mart has introduced their new “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign asking customers to report anything the manager should know about -- you know, like a shoplifter, a lost child or an elderly minimum-wage greeter having a seizure.
Londoners were aghast when demonstrators threw paint and raw eggs at a vintage Rolls-Royce containing Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla. No one could believe it. With all the cutbacks, who can afford to waste eggs?
Ann Ward has been named “America’s Next Top Model.” She received a contract to pose for the cover of “Vogue,” a five year supply of Lancome cosmetics, and her choice from next year’s New York Jets draft picks.
The 1891 document containing the original rules for basketball by James Naismith fetched a record-breaking $4.3 million at auction. The buyers were the owners of the New Jersey Nets who hope to find loopholes in the scoring process.
Wal-mart has introduced their new “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign asking customers to report anything the manager should know about -- you know, like a shoplifter, a lost child or an elderly minimum-wage greeter having a seizure.
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 10, 11, 12, 2010
The Vatican was voted the most ecological city in the world thanks to giant solar panels installed on roofs. They not only save on electricity, but the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel is even more impressive in flashing neon.
A recent study found that 20% of adult Americans suffer from a certifiable mental illness. That’s the bad news. The good news is they’re easily notified to seek treatment -- most of them were in “Jackass 3.”
Dr. Laura’s friends thought she was going through a mid-life crisis when she recently had a skull with a rose in its mouth tattooed on her forearm -- until she explained that it’s required of all new members of the Hells Angels.
Some Los Angeles city councilmen have proposed a 5% tax on medical marijuana. Others favor what they call the “Sherlock Holmes” tax -- which is a 7% solution.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is charged with sexually harassing two female staffers. Friends say he was hoping no one would hear about it, but these days it seems like nobody can keep a secret.
A recent study found that 20% of adult Americans suffer from a certifiable mental illness. That’s the bad news. The good news is they’re easily notified to seek treatment -- most of them were in “Jackass 3.”
Dr. Laura’s friends thought she was going through a mid-life crisis when she recently had a skull with a rose in its mouth tattooed on her forearm -- until she explained that it’s required of all new members of the Hells Angels.
Some Los Angeles city councilmen have proposed a 5% tax on medical marijuana. Others favor what they call the “Sherlock Holmes” tax -- which is a 7% solution.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is charged with sexually harassing two female staffers. Friends say he was hoping no one would hear about it, but these days it seems like nobody can keep a secret.
THURSDAY, November 9, 2010
A unknown manuscript by Leonardo da Vinci was discovered in a library in France. Curators will carefully examine the entire work but so far, it appears to be a spec movie script entitled “Mona Lisa’s Roman Holiday.”
NASA sold hundreds of computers without erasing their hard drives which contained some of their most guarded secrets -- space shuttle construction diagrams, rocket design plans and the formula for Tang.
A woman in Alabama was charged with theft for stealing 200 books from the library. Also fraud. Somehow, she was able to go door-to-door and convince several neighbors that they were encyclopedias.
New York City will soon require all taxi drivers to wear uniforms. Their new designer outfits will include a built-in holster, a jacket with change pockets and an air freshener-on-a-rope.
Blizzards and ice storms have blanketed Europe, causing airport closures in London, Paris, Berlin, Warsaw and Geneva. For the first time in history, all of the assets in Swiss banks were frozen.
NASA sold hundreds of computers without erasing their hard drives which contained some of their most guarded secrets -- space shuttle construction diagrams, rocket design plans and the formula for Tang.
A woman in Alabama was charged with theft for stealing 200 books from the library. Also fraud. Somehow, she was able to go door-to-door and convince several neighbors that they were encyclopedias.
New York City will soon require all taxi drivers to wear uniforms. Their new designer outfits will include a built-in holster, a jacket with change pockets and an air freshener-on-a-rope.
Blizzards and ice storms have blanketed Europe, causing airport closures in London, Paris, Berlin, Warsaw and Geneva. For the first time in history, all of the assets in Swiss banks were frozen.
WEDNESDAY, December 8, 2010
Several Christian groups are demanding an apology from President Obama who told an audience that our national motto is “E Pluribus Unum,” “From many, one” instead of our actual motto “Misplacitum Rentoremus Alia Exito,” “Lost our lease -- Everything must go!”
President Obama caved in to the GOP and extended Bush’s tax cuts. Looks like he can be talked into anything. Even Michelle got him to blame basketball for his split lip instead of rough sex.
The US Treasury will withhold $110 billion in newly designed $100 bills until errors caused by a crease in the linen paper is corrected. The mistake had gone undetected until an alert employee noticed that Benjamin Franklin looked more like Eretha Franklin.
A judge in LA ruled that the McCourts’ prenup is invalid so ownership of the Dodgers is still uncertain. To complicate matters, documents have turned up that indicate Tommy Lasorda may have sold the team to Fernando Valenzuela.
Refunds were offered after a recent preview showing of “Spiderman” left cast members hanging on wires and backdrops frozen in place. Worse, the spotlights blinked on and off and began shining on celebrities in the audience.
President Obama caved in to the GOP and extended Bush’s tax cuts. Looks like he can be talked into anything. Even Michelle got him to blame basketball for his split lip instead of rough sex.
The US Treasury will withhold $110 billion in newly designed $100 bills until errors caused by a crease in the linen paper is corrected. The mistake had gone undetected until an alert employee noticed that Benjamin Franklin looked more like Eretha Franklin.
A judge in LA ruled that the McCourts’ prenup is invalid so ownership of the Dodgers is still uncertain. To complicate matters, documents have turned up that indicate Tommy Lasorda may have sold the team to Fernando Valenzuela.
Refunds were offered after a recent preview showing of “Spiderman” left cast members hanging on wires and backdrops frozen in place. Worse, the spotlights blinked on and off and began shining on celebrities in the audience.
TUESDAY, December 7, 2010
Eight patrons were trapped in a North Yorkshire, England pub for over a week after snowdrifts buried The Lion Inn. Two were British civil servants, five were Scottish tourists and one was a Chilean miner.
A leading cardiologist warns that heart attack deaths increase by 35% in December. Choking deaths also go up -- mainly people who try to swallow Aunt Martha’s 20-year old walnut & cherry fruitcake.
Vice officers recently discovered pedophiles hiding cameras in Barbie dolls to produce child porn. Nothing new. Several years back, Ken hid a camera in Barbie’s hair to expose her affair with Buzz Light Year.
In Paris, a retired electrician was found with 271 Picasso paintings. He claims they were payments for administering shock treatments to scramble the faces of his models.
A court in Nigeria has indicted Dick Cheney on war crime charges. May be just a legal maneuver, though. They’ve already offered to exchange Cheney for Wesley Snipes.
A leading cardiologist warns that heart attack deaths increase by 35% in December. Choking deaths also go up -- mainly people who try to swallow Aunt Martha’s 20-year old walnut & cherry fruitcake.
Vice officers recently discovered pedophiles hiding cameras in Barbie dolls to produce child porn. Nothing new. Several years back, Ken hid a camera in Barbie’s hair to expose her affair with Buzz Light Year.
In Paris, a retired electrician was found with 271 Picasso paintings. He claims they were payments for administering shock treatments to scramble the faces of his models.
A court in Nigeria has indicted Dick Cheney on war crime charges. May be just a legal maneuver, though. They’ve already offered to exchange Cheney for Wesley Snipes.
MONDAY, December 6, 2010
Mexican police have charged a 14-year old boy, nicknamed “El Ponchis,” with being a hit man for a drug cartel. Officials first became suspicious when they spotted him trying to stuff a body into the trunk of his bike.
The X-37B, a remote-controlled space plane, landed last week after circling the globe for seven months. It was supposed to return last August, but the pilots spent too much time in the Sky Room at Vandenberg and overshot the runway by four months.
This week marks the 69th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. Toyota is celebrating by offering a full 20% off dealers’ invoice during its year-end “Sticker Slash-a-Thon.”
A woman in Kent, England dialed 911 to report the theft of a snowman from her front yard. Bobbies immediately responded by sending Santa’s sleigh which had been displayed on the police station roof.
The Chinese have unveiled a bullet train that can reach speeds up to 300 mph and travel between Beijing and Shanghai in less than four hours. They’re calling it the “Moo Goo Gai Pan Pacific Railway.”
The X-37B, a remote-controlled space plane, landed last week after circling the globe for seven months. It was supposed to return last August, but the pilots spent too much time in the Sky Room at Vandenberg and overshot the runway by four months.
This week marks the 69th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. Toyota is celebrating by offering a full 20% off dealers’ invoice during its year-end “Sticker Slash-a-Thon.”
A woman in Kent, England dialed 911 to report the theft of a snowman from her front yard. Bobbies immediately responded by sending Santa’s sleigh which had been displayed on the police station roof.
The Chinese have unveiled a bullet train that can reach speeds up to 300 mph and travel between Beijing and Shanghai in less than four hours. They’re calling it the “Moo Goo Gai Pan Pacific Railway.”
FRI, SAT, SUN, December 3, 4, 5, 2010
Police in Huntington Beach, California now post pictures of drivers convicted of DUI on Facebook. One of them now has 5002 friends -- all alcoholics, but still…
A Pleasant Hill, California bank robber brandished a revolver and demanded cash from a teller before fleeing on foot. According to witnesses, there was an accomplice waiting outside with a pair of getaway Adidas.
Due to massive budget cuts, some California schools are eliminating gym class. But the kids can still work out at home. Toshiba now makes a TV remote that allows parents to increase the tension on the buttons.
It’s now a violation of federal law for hospitals to limit a patient’s visitors to “immediate family.” Why? The only stranger a hospital patient has ever welcomed is the pizza delivery guy.
Capping their performance at the Super Bowl in February, the Black Eyed peas have been signed to team with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Meat Loaf and Lady Gaga on a new album to be called “Buffet Table.”
A Pleasant Hill, California bank robber brandished a revolver and demanded cash from a teller before fleeing on foot. According to witnesses, there was an accomplice waiting outside with a pair of getaway Adidas.
Due to massive budget cuts, some California schools are eliminating gym class. But the kids can still work out at home. Toshiba now makes a TV remote that allows parents to increase the tension on the buttons.
It’s now a violation of federal law for hospitals to limit a patient’s visitors to “immediate family.” Why? The only stranger a hospital patient has ever welcomed is the pizza delivery guy.
Capping their performance at the Super Bowl in February, the Black Eyed peas have been signed to team with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Meat Loaf and Lady Gaga on a new album to be called “Buffet Table.”
THURSDAY, December 2, 2010
A man from London set the world record for air miles -- fifteen million. He flew Coach so -- let’s see -- that works out to about three bags of stale peanuts and two box lunches past their “best by“ date.
An original Apple One computer, first sold in 1976, recently brought $210,000 at auction. It was really rudimentary. In order to get the memory to work, you had to jog it.
Prince Charles‘s wedding will be seen by 500 million people on TV. In deference to the state of dental care in Great Britain, onlookers outside the church will be encouraged to throw rice pudding.
Police arrested Willie Nelson after finding pot on his tour bus. Looks like it’s curtains for Willie -- last time, the judge promised to throw the book at him if he was caught high on the road again.
Paris Hilton’s latest community service sentence includes painting over graffiti. Last week, she was spotted painting over a Holiday Inn sign while the guard wasn’t looking.
An original Apple One computer, first sold in 1976, recently brought $210,000 at auction. It was really rudimentary. In order to get the memory to work, you had to jog it.
Prince Charles‘s wedding will be seen by 500 million people on TV. In deference to the state of dental care in Great Britain, onlookers outside the church will be encouraged to throw rice pudding.
Police arrested Willie Nelson after finding pot on his tour bus. Looks like it’s curtains for Willie -- last time, the judge promised to throw the book at him if he was caught high on the road again.
Paris Hilton’s latest community service sentence includes painting over graffiti. Last week, she was spotted painting over a Holiday Inn sign while the guard wasn’t looking.
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ