HAPPY NEW YEAR ISSUE

ALL IN THE FIRST FAMILY

(Episode 1)

(INT. WHITE HOUSE FAMILY QUARTERS)

(PLAY ON: "Hail to the Chief")

(The door opens and the Obamas enter: Barack first
dressed in black tie, followed by Michele and the two
kids, Sasha and Malia, dressed in their Sunday finest.
Barack immediately heads for the couch and plops down.
Michele takes their coats and hangs them in the closet
near the door. The kids rush over to the TV and snap it
on. They sit on the floor to watch the replay.)

BARACK
Whew! What a day. I don't think I've
been this bushed since I integrated Chicago.

MICHELLE
(Mixing drinks at the small bar-on-wheels)
Honey, you looked so presidential taking the
oath.

BARACK
(Studies himself on the TV)
You don't think the stovepipe hat was
too much?

MICHELLE
It was the perfect touch. (Pause)
although I'm glad we talked you out of the
fake beard.

MALIA
(Crawls onto the couch with him)
Daddy, we were all so proud!

BARACK
I know. I got your text message between
"Do you solemnly swear" and "So help me
God."

MICHELLE
(Hands Barack a scotch & soda) I thought I'd die
when Hillary tried to mount the podium
wearing that Joe Biden mask.

BARACK
And Roberts almost fell for it. I caught him
just in time. (laughs) I guess Joe will have
to be sworn in later.

SASHA
(Points to screen) Look, Uncle Joe is still
in the parking lot trying to get through
security.

(SFX: Telephone rings O.S.)

BARACK
Sasha, will you get that, please.

(Sasha rushes off)

BARACK
(to Malia) Malia, did you ever find out
what those lumps under your mattress
were?

MALIA
The Secret Service said they were
crumpled up beer cans.

MICHELLE
I knew we should have asked the Bush twins
to take their beds with them.

(We hear Sasha on the phone in the next room.)

SASHA
Hello? (pause) Hold on, I'll get him. (yells)
It's for you, daddy.

BARACK: Ask who it is.

SASHA
Who's calling? (Pause) (yells) Sarah Palin.

MICHELLE
(Aside to Barack) I thought we were rid of
her. What on earth could she want?

BARACK
Probably an appointment as Ambassador to
Russia since she wouldn't have to leave home.
(to Sasha) Find out what she wants.

SASHA
What do you want? (Pause) She wants to know
if Cheney left any of his shotguns lying around.

MICHELLE
(Aside to Barack) Probably another wedding
in the family.

BARACK
Tell her no, but ask her if she'd be interested
in a used defibrillator.

SASHA
No on the shotgun, but do you want an old
defibrallator? (Pause) She says "What's a
defibrillator?"

MICHELLE
Tell her to look in her current issue of "Cardio
World."

BARACK
(Losing patience) Forget it, Sasha. Just hang up.

SASHA
Sorry, I have to go now. (Sound of hanging up)

(Sasha comes back into the room.)

MALIA
What did she say?

SASHA
"You betcha!"

(Shimmer screen. Scene dissolves, ethereal music under)

(INT. BEDROOM. John and Cindy McCain in a
huge four-poster. John is wearing an old-fashioned
night cap and a chin strap and Cindy's hair is in
curlers. Dentures rest in a glass of water on the
night stand on John's side.)

CINDY
(Shaking him awake) John! John! Wake up.
You were having a nightmare.

JOHN
(Rubs his eyes) Gee, it was so real. Everything
was so clear.

CINDY
Was it the Viet Cong again?

JOHN
No, not this time.

CINDY
The Keating Five investigating committee?

JOHN
No.

CINDY
Joe the Plumber?

JOHN
No.

CINDY
What was it then? What did you see?

JOHN
Honey, I think we lost the election to the Cosbys!

(To be continued...)

HOLIDAY EDITION

AP -- The city of Dartford, England, birthplace of Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jagger, will soon begin naming streets and roads in honor of the group's hits including Dandelion Row, Little Red Walk, Rainbow Close, Cloud Close, Sympathy Street and Stones Avenue.

• The decision of the city fathers recalls the naming of streets in the British city of Buffington after World War II big band hits. Initially popular practice was abandoned after the town's volunteer fire brigade took so long writing down the address, the flaming structure at 11568 Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree With Anyone Else But Me Lane burned to the ground.
  
• The earliest known evidence of such a practice occurred in Rome when Carpethian monks named streets in the Vatican after Top Forty Gregorian Chants. In fact, the pope's residence is still located at the corner of Te Deum Boulevard and Adeste Fidelis Drive.

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[] BROADCAST ALERT! Don't miss tuning in on New Year's morn to hear Bob mike side in Pasadena for a three-hour audio description of the Rose Parade on Colorado Avenue. Broadcast live and commercial-free, the show will reach 2.7 million listeners worldwide via NPR satellite and by live stream over the internet at www.larrs.org. Manned entirely by volunteers, the broadcast is brought to you by the Los Angeles Radio Reading Service for the Blind and kickoff is at 7am Pacific. Don't miss it!
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Rx

A recent article in the medical journal Pharmacotherapy (the November issue with the nude centerfold of Dr. Scholl's mistress), warns that otherwise competent and experienced physicians sometimes prescribe drugs to treat conditions for which the drugs have not been medically approved.and that can, in some cases, harm the patients ingesting them.

• This is by no means a new phenomenon. In 1936, Dr. Irving Pincus, a Pittsburgh rhumatologist, was disciplined for advising a patient to rub his gout-inflicted knee with a live penguin, believing the arctic bird would be close enough to the accepted ground peach pits to provide similar relief. It was approved medical practice at the time to use penguins only to treat acute cases of low self-esteem -- and even then, only after massive doses of pine tar mixed with sow's urine proved ineffective. The careless Dr. Pincus escaped prosecution only after the bird's owner failed, after repeated attempts which stretched over several weeks to identify his penguin in a lineup.
• The earliest known documented case of miss-prescription occurred in 1643 in the English village of Suddenbury-on-the-Thames. Dr. Rodney Pace-Wellington, third Earl of Scheib, was accused by the Knights bridge Constabulary of prescribing live maggots instead of the commonly used leeches. Represented in Magistrates Court by the legendary barrister Bailey of the Balboa, the earl was acquitted after explaining that his wife had inadvertently served them to her guests at a dinner party the night before, believing them to be escargot.
  
• On rare occasions, a drug intended for one purpose has been shown to be more effective for another, only through the empirical evidence produced by its mistaken use. In the 1700s, the most effective treatment for snakebite was believed to be oral extraction of the venom (performed as soon as possible after the bite) by a certified village wench. Tarts could sometimes be substituted, but only if the snake's venom had not yet reached the delicate scrotal tissues. (Sluts could be used only as a last resort). Gradually, news of the treatment got around and breeding venomous reptiles for social purposes became big business. The process was outlawed in 1783, but not before it had become the eighteenth century's version of E-Harmony dot com. Due to the treatment's popularity, snake-bite kits are still referred to in some regions of the south as "strumpets."
  

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[] [] [] Bob's book, THE LAUGH MAKERS, which recalls his two decades on the road with Bob Hope, will be available soon from Bear Manor Media. It's a delightful, side-splitting journey back to the sketch comedy of television's Golden Age -- a long-ago era of variety, song and dance, brilliant patter and a seemingly endless parade of laughs sprung from the genius of "gag men," that talented gang of wit-blessed wordsmiths to whom the book pays well-deserved homage. Jam-packed with stories, anecdotes and un-retouched photos, THE LAUGH MAKERS recalls the often-hilarious, sometimes heartwarming and always touching tales of the legendary stars who guested on The Bob Hope Show. Watch for the publication date on www.bearmanormedia.com
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AP -- For the first time in forty years,the BBC will not televise Britain's most popular dog show. Organizers of "The Crufts Show" withdrew the program after the BBC aired a documentary alleging that excessive inbreeding has caused serious health problems in some pedigreed breeds.

• British history is replete with similar controversies. In 1546, the Amalgamated Union of Court Jesters called a strike and refused to allow their members to perform at the marriage of King Fornicatius XVI to his half-sister, Princess Esmeralda of Prussia, who herself was the offspring of a count who had abandoned his family and attempted to force Joan of Arc to sell Tupperware. Christians and lions, summoned at the last minute from Rome, were substituted along with a popular lyre and lute jazz ensemble. The jesters turned out to be right. Later, Esmerada gave birth to three village idiots and a troll.

• In modern times, palace physicians were wary of the marriage of Prince Charles to commoner Camilla Parker Bowles, but the crisis was averted when Charles graciously consented to be neutered. Evidence of the procedure is now a popular tourist attraction, displayed in a jar at Windsor Castle, replacing the Crown Jewels.

Formerly Bereft-on-the-Left

THE TWELVE FRY'S OF CHRISTMAS

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
"Three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Seven Googles goog-ling, six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eight Yahoos hoo-ing, seven Googles goog-ling,
Six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Nine Nortons sweeping, eight Yahoos hoo-ing,
Seven Googles goog-ling, six flash drives flashing
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Ten dial-ups creeping, nine Nortons sweeping,
Eight Yahoos hoo-ing, seven Googles goog-ling,
Six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eleven cursors dragging, ten dial-ups creeping,
Nine Nortons sweeping, eight Yahoos hoo-ing,
Seven Googles goog-ling, six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve wiggies wagging, eleven cursors dragging,
Ten dial-ups creeping, nine Nortons sweeping,
Eight Yahoos hoo-ing, seven Googles goog-ling,
Six flash drives flashing,
Five gold upgrades...
Four CD stacks, three printer/fax, two refurbished Macs and
A "Partridge Family" HD-DVD
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[] BROADCAST ALERT! Don't miss tuning in on New Year's morn to hear Bob mike side in Pasadena, California co-hosting a three-hour audio description of the Rose Parade on Colorado Avenue. Broadcast live and commercial-free, the show will reach 2.7 million listeners worldwide via NPR satellite and by live stream over the internet at www.larrs.org. Manned entirely by volunteers, the broadcast is brought to you by the Los Angeles Radio Reading Service for the Blind. Kickoff is at 7AM Pacific, so don't sleep in and miss it!
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Formerly Bereft-on-the-Left

TEAMWORK

The word "transition" is derived from the Latin "transito," a past pluperfect verb meaning "to clean a medium-sized flounder while reading War and Peace." This should not be confused with the word "transari," a similar-sounding verb meaning "to juggle endangered farm animals." As Barack Obama unveiled his transition team last week, the Los Angeles Times noted that "... since 1797, when George Washington handed over the presidency to John Adams in the first transition, transfers of power in the U.S. have sometimes gone smoothly, have often been bumpy and sometimes verged on the outrageous." An understatement, to be sure. Andrew Jackson's transition team so enjoyed their new roles, they reportedly adopted a secret handshake, bought matching silk bowling shirts with their names embroidered on the back and even hired an itinerant former designer of domino tiles as an advisor. He advised them to send out for Chinese. Authorities had to intervene when James Garfield's new Treasury Secretary, Aloysius Fester III, arrived at his first cabinet meeting dressed as a postal worker and played the concertina while reciting the third act of Othello. The newly-elected John Adams stunned party officials by eschewing a transition team altogether. In their place, he hired the squash team from the College of William and Mary -- despite their dismal 3-12 win-loss record that year. It's generally conceded that Chester A. Arthur sought out the most qualified candidates for his team, choosing only 30-degree Freemasons whose parents, despite truly valiant efforts, had failed to make a name in vaudeville. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Herbert Hoover was so disappointed in his choices, he reportedly threatened to make them eat Mrs. Hoover's fried okra in pesto sauce. Conversely, Ulysses S. Grant was so pleased with his team, he offered them continued, uninterrupted employment after he left office -- as long as they would agree to become rabbis and study astrophysics. By far the most legendary member of a newly-elected president's transition team was Thaddeus Pinkerton, former governor of what is now Bayonne, New Jersey, who was appointed Chief-of-Staff by president-elect Millard Fillmore. Pinkerton -- "Pinkie" to his friends and selected members of the judiciary -- was said to be so devoted to his boss, he could often be found doing his taxes -- his laundry -- and sometimes Mrs. Fillmore. Pinkerton was summarily let go when a female member of the White House domestic staff accused him of impersonating Czar Nicholas while riding a goat.
_____________________________________
[] BROADCAST ALERT! Don't miss tuning in on New Year's morn to hear Bob mike side in Pasadena for a three-hour audio description of the Rose Parade on Colorado Boulevard. Broadcast live and commercial-free, the show will reach 2.7 million listeners worldwide via NPR satellite and by live stream over the internet at www.larrs.org. Manned entirely by volunteers, the broadcast is brought to you by the Los Angeles Radio Reading Service for the Blind . Kickoff is at 7am Pacific. Don't miss it!
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