SOPRANOS II... Petreaus recently described a "Mafia-like presence" in Iraq. Ah, at last---an enemy we can fashion an HBO series around.
SCUTTLEBUTT... A Navy commander is charged with videotaping Annapolis midshipmen having sex in his den. Police confiscated a rough cut of "Debbie Does the Admiral."
BIBLE BABBLE... According to a University of Chicago poll, only 24% of Americans have faith in organized religion. Two percentage points below organized baseball and ten below organized crime.
__________________________________________________________
"I'm confident we can work with Congress to come up with an economic stimulus package that will send a clear signal to the risk takers and capital formators of our country."
George W. Bush 9/17/01 Washington, DC
___________________________________________________________
OBSERVE IF YOU WILL... A federal grand jury in Las Vegas will soon hand down an indictment charging David Copperfield with sexual harassment. It's slow going, though. Jury members keep disappearing---and reappearing as bunnies.
DARE TO DREAM... Stanley O'Niel, the first black CEO at Merrill-Lynch, was ousted for poor performance on the job but nonetheless was awarded a $200 million severance package. Think there could be enough money to get rid of Clarence Thomas?
INJECTION COUNTER... O'Hare, LAX, JFK and Boston Logan are among airports now offering passengers flu shots during layovers. Great news. Can food poisoning shots be far behind?
__________________________________________________________
[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org
password: independence
___________________________________________________________
FORGIVE & FORGET... The State Department is mum on reports that those trigger-happy Blackwater mercenaries were given immunity from prosecution for killing 17 Iraqi civilians. According to a White House insider, Bush was granting himself, Cheney, Rice and Rumsfeld immunity and thought "Oh, what the hell?" and penciled them in.
DEEP THRONE... Two men have been arrested in London for attempting to extort $100,000 from a member of the royal family over a sex video. Details are sketchy, but unconfirmed reports say Scotland Yard is focusing on Camilla Parker Bowles and a mule from Yorkshire.
MOM TOME... Britney Spears' mother is reportedly writing a book on parenting. A how not to book.
___________________________________________________________
[] WEBMASTERS: Like to link to this blog? Contact: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com
___________________________________________________________
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
;
Monday 10/29/07
CROSSING THE LINE… The Senate Judiciary Committee is threatening to block Mukasey’s confirmation as attorney general unless he agrees to define water boarding as torture---which, he has insisted so far, only includes being strapped naked to Ann Coulter.
DUCK!… Cheney spent the weekend in New York stalking ducks with fellow nimrods at the Hudson River Valley Hunt Club. Which, rumor has it, releases birds who are trained to welcome their members as “liberators.”
WHEN YOU’RE SMILING… Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch, commander of the 3rd Infantry Division, says of the insurgents in Kabala: “There are indeed inter-Shia rivalries where different groups are trying to be in charge and sometimes revert to violence---but not at the magnitude that’s got me concerned.” Maybe you remember Rick from his old job at Mad Magazine?
_____________________________________
“I want to thank the astronauts who are with us, the courageous spatial entrepreneurs who set such a wonderful example for the young of our country.”
George W. Bush 1/14/04 Washington DC
_____________________________________
[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
_____________________________________
PUTTIN’ ON THE RITZ… Larry Craig claims in his appeal that men’s room “foot tapping” among consenting adults is free speech. Called by prosecutors the “Fred Astaire Defense,” it hasn’t worked yet, but I’m for anything that keeps the Craigster in the news as long as possible.
STAG PARTY… Leonardo Da Vinci’s “The Last Supper” is now viewable online in crystal clear, 16 billion pixels at:
www.haltadefinizione.com
Among the tiny details heretofore unnoticed:
1] Everyone is wearing Birkenstocks
2] Thirty pieces of silver is actually 29 pieces and a crumpled gum wrapper
3] Stains on Peter’s tunic show he ordered a medium loaves and fishes pizza with anchovies
4] Naked Mary Magdalene hiding in cake
5] Jesus has a tattoo that says “Born to Raise the Dead”
6] Logo on napkins says “Olive Garden”
7] Wine ordered was a mediocre vintage 23 cabernet.
8] Mark and Luke appear to be playing footsy under the table
9] Tip at bottom of bill reads: “Buy IBM”
10] Sign on wall reads: “So Shirt, No Shoes, No Salvation”
______________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington,
DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar
Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a
movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
______________________________________
WORD WONKS WALK… Chances are almost certain that Hollywood script writers will vote to strike this week. If they’re true to form, picketing will most likely be delayed while they engage in extensive rewrites of what will appear on their signs.
SEAT MATES… Bamboo International has recalled one million “Baby Sitter” infant carriers after reports of several injuries. All but eclipsing last week’s recall of 200,000 Britney Spears “’Lil Driver” car seats which reportedly flings the kid into the mother’s lap at the first sign of a process server.
______________________________________
[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
DUCK!… Cheney spent the weekend in New York stalking ducks with fellow nimrods at the Hudson River Valley Hunt Club. Which, rumor has it, releases birds who are trained to welcome their members as “liberators.”
WHEN YOU’RE SMILING… Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch, commander of the 3rd Infantry Division, says of the insurgents in Kabala: “There are indeed inter-Shia rivalries where different groups are trying to be in charge and sometimes revert to violence---but not at the magnitude that’s got me concerned.” Maybe you remember Rick from his old job at Mad Magazine?
_____________________________________
“I want to thank the astronauts who are with us, the courageous spatial entrepreneurs who set such a wonderful example for the young of our country.”
George W. Bush 1/14/04 Washington DC
_____________________________________
[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
_____________________________________
PUTTIN’ ON THE RITZ… Larry Craig claims in his appeal that men’s room “foot tapping” among consenting adults is free speech. Called by prosecutors the “Fred Astaire Defense,” it hasn’t worked yet, but I’m for anything that keeps the Craigster in the news as long as possible.
STAG PARTY… Leonardo Da Vinci’s “The Last Supper” is now viewable online in crystal clear, 16 billion pixels at:
www.haltadefinizione.com
Among the tiny details heretofore unnoticed:
1] Everyone is wearing Birkenstocks
2] Thirty pieces of silver is actually 29 pieces and a crumpled gum wrapper
3] Stains on Peter’s tunic show he ordered a medium loaves and fishes pizza with anchovies
4] Naked Mary Magdalene hiding in cake
5] Jesus has a tattoo that says “Born to Raise the Dead”
6] Logo on napkins says “Olive Garden”
7] Wine ordered was a mediocre vintage 23 cabernet.
8] Mark and Luke appear to be playing footsy under the table
9] Tip at bottom of bill reads: “Buy IBM”
10] Sign on wall reads: “So Shirt, No Shoes, No Salvation”
______________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington,
DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar
Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a
movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
______________________________________
WORD WONKS WALK… Chances are almost certain that Hollywood script writers will vote to strike this week. If they’re true to form, picketing will most likely be delayed while they engage in extensive rewrites of what will appear on their signs.
SEAT MATES… Bamboo International has recalled one million “Baby Sitter” infant carriers after reports of several injuries. All but eclipsing last week’s recall of 200,000 Britney Spears “’Lil Driver” car seats which reportedly flings the kid into the mother’s lap at the first sign of a process server.
______________________________________
[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
Friday 10/26/07
PERRIER HYDRANTS… The Malibu fires threatened but didn’t burn the homes of Kelsey Grammer, Jane Seymour, Mel Gibson and Olivia Newton-John. Thanks in no small part to the private jet chemical drops and the 200 threads per inch, Madras canvass hoses manned by private “Blaze Managers.”
MOMMA MIA… Support is building in Congress to erect a monument to military families who’ve lost loved ones. Front runner so far is a marble statue of moms toppling a statue of Saddam Hussein kicking a bronze bust of Rumsfeld.
NICKEL DEFENSE… Bush has moved forward with a plan to implement a missile defense shield with radar in the Czech Republic and missiles in Poland. It’s an overpriced, hare brained scheme Reagan came up with that works about as well as trickle down economics.
SLIPPING FAST… Bush says the people of Cuba are witnessing “the dying gasps of a failed regime.” You know, like those “final throes” Cheney said al Qaeda was in.
___________________________________
“We ought to make the pie higher.”
George W. Bush 2/15/00 South Carolina Debate
____________________________________
EYEBALL WITNESS… Two of OJ’s co-defendants had their charges reduced in exchange for their agreement to testify against him. It’s even an even sweeter deal than the DA had hoped. One of them will swear he saw OJ kill Nicole.
BODILY FLUIDS… Ellen DeGeneres says “There is nothing wrong with having feelings. I think more people should cry.” People like, say, Ann Heche.
HALFWAY TO THE STARS… Vincent De Domenico, the inventor of Rice-A-Roni, died at age 92. In his memory, San Francisco’s cable cars tolled their bells 21 times.
QUO VADIS… Sales of religious paperback books have increased 24% over the past five years. Even though research shows most people prefer to wait for the movie.
______________________________________
Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
______________________________________
FORE!… Mattel has introduced “Barbie Golf Clubs” for 4-6 year olds to promote physical activity. The $39.99 set comes with a bag, a “Ken the Caddy” smock, tees, and a scorecard.
VANISHED… The Terror Watch List now has 755,000 names on it. Bin Laden is supposed to be on it, but his name keeps mysteriously disappearing.
DEBT RELIEF… The Congressional Budget Office estimates the cost of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq will top $2.41 trillion. A hell of a debt to leave the Chinese, but let them figure out how to pay it off.
BOARDING PASS… The Department of Transportation may levy fines on air carriers who arrive 15 minutes late more that 70% of the time. In other words, Delta’s regular on-time schedule.
______________________________________
“And one of the things we’ve got to make sure that we do is anything.”
George W. Bush 5/7/02 Washington, DC
______________________________________
7-10 SPLIT… Bowling has surpassed ice hockey as the fastest growing high school sport. Remember when you had to sign up for interior decorating or the Drama Club to get a silk shirt with your name embroidered over the pocket?
SINGAPORE SLING… Singapore’s Parliament has voted to renew the ban on sex between men. May not mean much to you, but it tosses a wrench in Larry Craig’s Christmas vacation plans.
SLICE O’ LIFE… Donna Mills and Joan Van Ark of “Knots Landing” fame have signed to appear in an upcoming episode of “Nip/Tuck” as aging divorcees in need of cosmetic surgery. Any leftover skin will be used to patch up Larry Hagman.
GOOD EVENING… Brian Williams will become the first news anchor to host “Saturday Night Live.” Not to be outdone, Katie Couric will appear as a contestant on “Dancing With the Stars.”
_____________________________________
[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
______________________________________
PURSE-A-FLAGE… From Bags To Riches.com is renting designer handbags from Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Fendi, Prada, Gucci, Burberry, Bottega Veneta, Balenciaga, Chloe, Christian Dior and Yves Saint Laurent for $299 per month. And if you can’t afford the mandatory theft insurance, each bag comes with an identical Chinese knockoff.
NUMBERS GAME…. Stanford post-doctoral chemistry student Thomas Snyder won the Philadelphia Inquirer’s first National Sudoku Championship---despite showing up late. He kept pressing the wrong elevator button.
OINK!… A report in the Journal Circulation estimates that 40% of men and 30% of women worldwide are overweight. And most of them are married to each other.
DEAD POETS SOCIETY… Dead at age 33 of a heart attack is hip hop king Big Moe, whose hit album “Purple World” celebrated the unique high of hip hop’s drug of choice, codeine-laced cough syrup. Gee, the world just won’t be the same without him.
______________________________________
COMMENTS? SUGGESTIONS? RIGHT WING REBUTTALS? Send ‘em all to:
Jokesmith@peoplepc.com
______________________________________
DIDDY DILLY… Sean “Diddy” Combs has signed a $100 million deal to develop the Ciroc Vodka brand. To replace that codeine-laced cough syrup no doubt.
ET TU MITT?… Larry Craig says his former friend Mitt Romney “not only threw me under his campaign bus, he backed up and ran over me again.” I know what you’re thinking. He actually considers a fellow hack politician a friend?
BLACKENED H2O… Last year, says the Government Accounting Office, the US spent $5 billion for private contractor security. A record unless you count the Beatles’ rent-a-cops in Yankee Stadium in ‘65.
POPULAR DEMAND… For only the second time in their film careers, Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino will share the big screen in the upcoming “Righteous Kill.” According to our on-set insiders, they’re taking turns chewing the scenery.
BANK ON THAT… After posting a 32% pofit drop last quarter, the Bank of America is cutting 3000 jobs. Mainly non-essential hold-up note translators and rejected loan grief counselors.
______________________________________
“The Bob Jones policy on interracial dating… I spoke out against that. I spoke out against interracial dating. I support the policy of interracial dating.”
George W. Bush 2/28/00 Newsweek
______________________________________
MOMMA MIA… Support is building in Congress to erect a monument to military families who’ve lost loved ones. Front runner so far is a marble statue of moms toppling a statue of Saddam Hussein kicking a bronze bust of Rumsfeld.
NICKEL DEFENSE… Bush has moved forward with a plan to implement a missile defense shield with radar in the Czech Republic and missiles in Poland. It’s an overpriced, hare brained scheme Reagan came up with that works about as well as trickle down economics.
SLIPPING FAST… Bush says the people of Cuba are witnessing “the dying gasps of a failed regime.” You know, like those “final throes” Cheney said al Qaeda was in.
___________________________________
“We ought to make the pie higher.”
George W. Bush 2/15/00 South Carolina Debate
____________________________________
EYEBALL WITNESS… Two of OJ’s co-defendants had their charges reduced in exchange for their agreement to testify against him. It’s even an even sweeter deal than the DA had hoped. One of them will swear he saw OJ kill Nicole.
BODILY FLUIDS… Ellen DeGeneres says “There is nothing wrong with having feelings. I think more people should cry.” People like, say, Ann Heche.
HALFWAY TO THE STARS… Vincent De Domenico, the inventor of Rice-A-Roni, died at age 92. In his memory, San Francisco’s cable cars tolled their bells 21 times.
QUO VADIS… Sales of religious paperback books have increased 24% over the past five years. Even though research shows most people prefer to wait for the movie.
______________________________________
Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
______________________________________
FORE!… Mattel has introduced “Barbie Golf Clubs” for 4-6 year olds to promote physical activity. The $39.99 set comes with a bag, a “Ken the Caddy” smock, tees, and a scorecard.
VANISHED… The Terror Watch List now has 755,000 names on it. Bin Laden is supposed to be on it, but his name keeps mysteriously disappearing.
DEBT RELIEF… The Congressional Budget Office estimates the cost of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq will top $2.41 trillion. A hell of a debt to leave the Chinese, but let them figure out how to pay it off.
BOARDING PASS… The Department of Transportation may levy fines on air carriers who arrive 15 minutes late more that 70% of the time. In other words, Delta’s regular on-time schedule.
______________________________________
“And one of the things we’ve got to make sure that we do is anything.”
George W. Bush 5/7/02 Washington, DC
______________________________________
7-10 SPLIT… Bowling has surpassed ice hockey as the fastest growing high school sport. Remember when you had to sign up for interior decorating or the Drama Club to get a silk shirt with your name embroidered over the pocket?
SINGAPORE SLING… Singapore’s Parliament has voted to renew the ban on sex between men. May not mean much to you, but it tosses a wrench in Larry Craig’s Christmas vacation plans.
SLICE O’ LIFE… Donna Mills and Joan Van Ark of “Knots Landing” fame have signed to appear in an upcoming episode of “Nip/Tuck” as aging divorcees in need of cosmetic surgery. Any leftover skin will be used to patch up Larry Hagman.
GOOD EVENING… Brian Williams will become the first news anchor to host “Saturday Night Live.” Not to be outdone, Katie Couric will appear as a contestant on “Dancing With the Stars.”
_____________________________________
[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
______________________________________
PURSE-A-FLAGE… From Bags To Riches.com is renting designer handbags from Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Fendi, Prada, Gucci, Burberry, Bottega Veneta, Balenciaga, Chloe, Christian Dior and Yves Saint Laurent for $299 per month. And if you can’t afford the mandatory theft insurance, each bag comes with an identical Chinese knockoff.
NUMBERS GAME…. Stanford post-doctoral chemistry student Thomas Snyder won the Philadelphia Inquirer’s first National Sudoku Championship---despite showing up late. He kept pressing the wrong elevator button.
OINK!… A report in the Journal Circulation estimates that 40% of men and 30% of women worldwide are overweight. And most of them are married to each other.
DEAD POETS SOCIETY… Dead at age 33 of a heart attack is hip hop king Big Moe, whose hit album “Purple World” celebrated the unique high of hip hop’s drug of choice, codeine-laced cough syrup. Gee, the world just won’t be the same without him.
______________________________________
COMMENTS? SUGGESTIONS? RIGHT WING REBUTTALS? Send ‘em all to:
Jokesmith@peoplepc.com
______________________________________
DIDDY DILLY… Sean “Diddy” Combs has signed a $100 million deal to develop the Ciroc Vodka brand. To replace that codeine-laced cough syrup no doubt.
ET TU MITT?… Larry Craig says his former friend Mitt Romney “not only threw me under his campaign bus, he backed up and ran over me again.” I know what you’re thinking. He actually considers a fellow hack politician a friend?
BLACKENED H2O… Last year, says the Government Accounting Office, the US spent $5 billion for private contractor security. A record unless you count the Beatles’ rent-a-cops in Yankee Stadium in ‘65.
POPULAR DEMAND… For only the second time in their film careers, Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino will share the big screen in the upcoming “Righteous Kill.” According to our on-set insiders, they’re taking turns chewing the scenery.
BANK ON THAT… After posting a 32% pofit drop last quarter, the Bank of America is cutting 3000 jobs. Mainly non-essential hold-up note translators and rejected loan grief counselors.
______________________________________
“The Bob Jones policy on interracial dating… I spoke out against that. I spoke out against interracial dating. I support the policy of interracial dating.”
George W. Bush 2/28/00 Newsweek
______________________________________
Wednesday 10/24/07
THANKS, BUT… Bush called California’s Governor Schwarzenegger and offered to send FEMA to aid the 500,000 evacuees of the state’s wildfires. Luckily, Arnold was able to talk him out of it. But Bush assured him that he’s ordered the Army Corps of Engineers to check Malibu’s levees and FEMA to air drop life preservers to the survivors.
PHOTO OP… Shortly thereafter, Bush announced that he’ll personally tour the fire-devastated areas on Thursday. He’s really empathetic. He’s already ordered the “Mission Accomplished” sign and asked the Secret Service to find a surfboard for him to hold.
RAMBO PAMBY… Rice has issued new ground rules governing those trigger happy Blackwater mercenaries who’ve been ordered to show more “cultural sensitivity.”
Which in laymen’s terms means that from now on they have to allow the Iraqi civilians to face Mecca while they’re being shot.
_____________________________________
“And the other lesson is that there are people who can’t stand what America stands for, the desire to conflict great harm on the American people.”
George W. Bush 8/1/03 Pittsburgh, PENN
_____________________________________
MOON RIVER… The GOP presidential hopefuls are embroiled in a debate over which of them is the “most conservative.” If no agreement is reached, they may have to resort to what Republicans have always dreaded---they may have to drop trow and compete in a winner-take-all “pucker off.”
SAWBONES… The FBI conducted a raid on David Copperfield’s prop warehouse in Las Vegas in a search for evidence of sexual abuse an assistant claims recently took place in the Bahamas. Agents refused to identify which half he abused.
MUMBO JUMBALIA… A conference of top-ranking Christian, Jewish and Muslim religious leaders met in Los Angeles to discuss “problematic passages” in Jewish scripture, the New Testament and the Koran. In attempting to unravel the myths, legends, fantasies and fairy tales, they’ve agreed on only one sacred truth: that the fallen angel Lucifer has returned to earth in the body of Ann Coulter.
BUFFET BUFFS… The cruise industry has reported a threefold increase in passengers since 1988. Not in numbers---in pounds.
HEAVY DUTY… Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert has announced that he’ll not seek reelection. According to an aide, he feels he should spend more time with his family---and his diet.
_____________________________________
[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" streamed live Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. The Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is an all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org
password: independence
_____________________________________
BOOK ‘EM, DANO… Bush says he’ll oppose a bill being considered in the House that would grant federal recognition of native Hawaiians. He did offer a comprimise, though. He’d be willing to grant a posthumous Medal of Freedom to Jack Lord.
CHATTERBOX CAFÉ… Prairie Home Companion’s Garrison Keillor went to court to stop a woman’s obscene e-mails and harassing phone calls. He declined police intervention, however, preferring instead to rely on his private investigator, Guy Noir.
BLAST OFF!… The space shuttle Discovery is now 24 years old and showing signs of age that half of NASA’s scientists say are sufficient reason to ground it. Among the problems:
1] Tang dispenser is constantly clogged.
2] Not enough storage space for today’s fluffier, more absorbant Huggies.
3] Doors on pilot’s liquor cabinet stick.
THREEFER… Maria Schriver is hosting a first-ever meeting of the the presidential candidates‘ spouses. Mrs. Giuliani declined to attend, but luckily, Rudy has two backups.
HEAD SHOTS… Employees of New Jersey’s Palisades Medical Center were suspended for releasing George Clooney’s medical records. They would have gotten away with it but they went too far and tried to forge his autograph on the x-rays.
PHOTO OP… Shortly thereafter, Bush announced that he’ll personally tour the fire-devastated areas on Thursday. He’s really empathetic. He’s already ordered the “Mission Accomplished” sign and asked the Secret Service to find a surfboard for him to hold.
RAMBO PAMBY… Rice has issued new ground rules governing those trigger happy Blackwater mercenaries who’ve been ordered to show more “cultural sensitivity.”
Which in laymen’s terms means that from now on they have to allow the Iraqi civilians to face Mecca while they’re being shot.
_____________________________________
“And the other lesson is that there are people who can’t stand what America stands for, the desire to conflict great harm on the American people.”
George W. Bush 8/1/03 Pittsburgh, PENN
_____________________________________
MOON RIVER… The GOP presidential hopefuls are embroiled in a debate over which of them is the “most conservative.” If no agreement is reached, they may have to resort to what Republicans have always dreaded---they may have to drop trow and compete in a winner-take-all “pucker off.”
SAWBONES… The FBI conducted a raid on David Copperfield’s prop warehouse in Las Vegas in a search for evidence of sexual abuse an assistant claims recently took place in the Bahamas. Agents refused to identify which half he abused.
MUMBO JUMBALIA… A conference of top-ranking Christian, Jewish and Muslim religious leaders met in Los Angeles to discuss “problematic passages” in Jewish scripture, the New Testament and the Koran. In attempting to unravel the myths, legends, fantasies and fairy tales, they’ve agreed on only one sacred truth: that the fallen angel Lucifer has returned to earth in the body of Ann Coulter.
BUFFET BUFFS… The cruise industry has reported a threefold increase in passengers since 1988. Not in numbers---in pounds.
HEAVY DUTY… Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert has announced that he’ll not seek reelection. According to an aide, he feels he should spend more time with his family---and his diet.
_____________________________________
[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" streamed live Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. The Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is an all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org
password: independence
_____________________________________
BOOK ‘EM, DANO… Bush says he’ll oppose a bill being considered in the House that would grant federal recognition of native Hawaiians. He did offer a comprimise, though. He’d be willing to grant a posthumous Medal of Freedom to Jack Lord.
CHATTERBOX CAFÉ… Prairie Home Companion’s Garrison Keillor went to court to stop a woman’s obscene e-mails and harassing phone calls. He declined police intervention, however, preferring instead to rely on his private investigator, Guy Noir.
BLAST OFF!… The space shuttle Discovery is now 24 years old and showing signs of age that half of NASA’s scientists say are sufficient reason to ground it. Among the problems:
1] Tang dispenser is constantly clogged.
2] Not enough storage space for today’s fluffier, more absorbant Huggies.
3] Doors on pilot’s liquor cabinet stick.
THREEFER… Maria Schriver is hosting a first-ever meeting of the the presidential candidates‘ spouses. Mrs. Giuliani declined to attend, but luckily, Rudy has two backups.
HEAD SHOTS… Employees of New Jersey’s Palisades Medical Center were suspended for releasing George Clooney’s medical records. They would have gotten away with it but they went too far and tried to forge his autograph on the x-rays.
Monday 10/22/07
FEATHERS… Bush dropped in at Maryland’s Patuxent Research Refuge to promote “stopover habitats” for 800 bird species and declared that the owl perched on his gloved finger was “… a cute little fellow.” Then Cheney shot it.
MOBY DICK… GOP presidential candidate Sam Brownback yanked his hat out of the ring after a poll found that 83% of the Republicans questioned identified “Brownback” as a species of whale.
STUNG… Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling shocked her fans by announcing that Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore is gay. And if that weren‘t shocking enough, he’s living with the school’s Faculty Men’s Room attendant, Larrididdle Craigadoodle.
______________________________________
“Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.”
George W. Bush 11/20/05
______________________________________
SENIOR SCIENCE PROJECT… A Van Nuys, CA female home school teacher has been charged with oral copulation of one of her 14-year old male students. A team of top plastic surgeons has been flown in to attempt an emergency reversal of the lad’s permanent smile.
COLOR TV, PHONES… The world’s largest hotel is Malaysia’s First World which includes an indoor theme park, a shopping mall, 6118 rooms serviced by 32 desk clerks---and three ice machines, none where you can find them.
TASTE TEST… In Pennsylvania, police were called after two soft drink delivery men got into a fistfight in the parking lot of a mini mart. Seems the Coca-Cola delivery man attempted to teach the Pepsi delivery man how to sing in perfect harmony and …
______________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington,
DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
______________________________________
WHAT, ME WORRY?… The National Hockey League is testing a new thermal ice skate blade that’s kept warm by a battery. It also has a tiny compartment that stores dislodged teeth at body temperature until the player can seek medical attention.
X’s & O’s… The offensive line coach for the Baylor University football team was fired after being arrested for urinating on the bar at Scruffy Murphy’s in Waco. Before bystanders could intervene, he somehow managed to diagram several secret plays.
HOLY MOLY… Attempting to regain voters turned off by his stand on abortion, Giuliani told the Conservative Family Research Council that “I am an imperfect man who asks for guidance through prayer.” In response, Jesus often calls him on his cell phone during speeches.
_____________________________________
“I hope we get to the bottom of the answer.”
George W. Bush 4/26/00 Associated Press
_____________________________________
MOBY DICK… GOP presidential candidate Sam Brownback yanked his hat out of the ring after a poll found that 83% of the Republicans questioned identified “Brownback” as a species of whale.
STUNG… Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling shocked her fans by announcing that Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore is gay. And if that weren‘t shocking enough, he’s living with the school’s Faculty Men’s Room attendant, Larrididdle Craigadoodle.
______________________________________
“Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.”
George W. Bush 11/20/05
______________________________________
SENIOR SCIENCE PROJECT… A Van Nuys, CA female home school teacher has been charged with oral copulation of one of her 14-year old male students. A team of top plastic surgeons has been flown in to attempt an emergency reversal of the lad’s permanent smile.
COLOR TV, PHONES… The world’s largest hotel is Malaysia’s First World which includes an indoor theme park, a shopping mall, 6118 rooms serviced by 32 desk clerks---and three ice machines, none where you can find them.
TASTE TEST… In Pennsylvania, police were called after two soft drink delivery men got into a fistfight in the parking lot of a mini mart. Seems the Coca-Cola delivery man attempted to teach the Pepsi delivery man how to sing in perfect harmony and …
______________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington,
DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
______________________________________
WHAT, ME WORRY?… The National Hockey League is testing a new thermal ice skate blade that’s kept warm by a battery. It also has a tiny compartment that stores dislodged teeth at body temperature until the player can seek medical attention.
X’s & O’s… The offensive line coach for the Baylor University football team was fired after being arrested for urinating on the bar at Scruffy Murphy’s in Waco. Before bystanders could intervene, he somehow managed to diagram several secret plays.
HOLY MOLY… Attempting to regain voters turned off by his stand on abortion, Giuliani told the Conservative Family Research Council that “I am an imperfect man who asks for guidance through prayer.” In response, Jesus often calls him on his cell phone during speeches.
_____________________________________
“I hope we get to the bottom of the answer.”
George W. Bush 4/26/00 Associated Press
_____________________________________
Friday 10/19/07
MUSHROOM CLOUD… Bush tells Congress: “Stop Iran from getting nukes if you’re interested in stopping World War III.” Which sounded pretty ballsy until an aide later admitted that he had just warned the Dalai Lama that he’d invade Tibet if Jenna’s book didn’t make the New York Times Best Sellers’ List.
SILVER LINING… Bush’s approval rating has hit an all-time low: 24%. On a brighter note for the Skipper, he’s still two percentage points ahead of Chester the Molester.
PATHETIC GENETICS… Bush rejects a suggestion by some that Congress has made him “irrelevant.” He’s right. Why blame Congress for the handiwork of Barb and Bush the Elder?
______________________________________
“That’s just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric.”
George W. Bush 8/8/03 Crawford, TX
______________________________________
DOGGIE DOOR… Ellen DeGeneres broke into tears on her show after a dog she’d adopted was taken back by a rescue group called “Mutts And Moms.” Sad part is, she didn’t even want the dog. She thought she was dealing with “Foreign Orphans and Angelina Jolie.”
GROUNDED… Home sales in Southern California have plummeted 50% from the same time last year. Even ReMax is struggling. They had to sell their hot air balloon and are now using a kite.
MICKEY MAKEOVER… Deciding that it was an idea whose time had not come, Disney will spend $1.1 billion to completely redesign their “California Adventure” theme park---adding new attractions that more closely duplicate real California adventures like “The Menendez Brothers Family Vacation,” “Weekend at Phil Spector’s” and “Hugh Grant picks up a Hooker.”
______________________________________
COMMENTS? SUGGESTIONS? RIGHT WING REBUTTALS? Send ’em all to:
Jokesmith@peoplepc.com.
______________________________________
TAILGATE PARTY… A Stockton, CA high school has been banned from competing in the playoffs after evidence was uncovered that its coach had been recruiting players from American Samoa. Opposing teams became suspicious when they noticed three defensive linemen roasting a pig---under the end zone.
TEN-HUT!… The City of Chicago School District now has four high schools that are run by the military. Non-college bound students are allowed to take four years of Motor Pool.
SOCIALIZED MEDICINE… Coca-Cola has contracted with the Peoples Republic to develop a new soft drink that incorporates ancient Chinese herbal remedies. The pause that refreshes and cures your fallen arches.
______________________________________
[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
___________________________________
CACTUS FLOWER… Mexico’s tequila industry has launched a program to warn the public that counterfeiters are selling home brew that can cause sudden dizziness, unconsciousness, blindness and even death. Like that isn’t what tequila is for?
HAT TRICKS… The Transportation Security Agency has issued new, more relaxed rules regarding searches of passengers’ head gear such as turbans, fezzes, ball caps and the like. Still subject to a full search are Brazilian women wearing suspicious fruit and Packers fans wearing cheese.
SILVER LINING… Bush’s approval rating has hit an all-time low: 24%. On a brighter note for the Skipper, he’s still two percentage points ahead of Chester the Molester.
PATHETIC GENETICS… Bush rejects a suggestion by some that Congress has made him “irrelevant.” He’s right. Why blame Congress for the handiwork of Barb and Bush the Elder?
______________________________________
“That’s just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric.”
George W. Bush 8/8/03 Crawford, TX
______________________________________
DOGGIE DOOR… Ellen DeGeneres broke into tears on her show after a dog she’d adopted was taken back by a rescue group called “Mutts And Moms.” Sad part is, she didn’t even want the dog. She thought she was dealing with “Foreign Orphans and Angelina Jolie.”
GROUNDED… Home sales in Southern California have plummeted 50% from the same time last year. Even ReMax is struggling. They had to sell their hot air balloon and are now using a kite.
MICKEY MAKEOVER… Deciding that it was an idea whose time had not come, Disney will spend $1.1 billion to completely redesign their “California Adventure” theme park---adding new attractions that more closely duplicate real California adventures like “The Menendez Brothers Family Vacation,” “Weekend at Phil Spector’s” and “Hugh Grant picks up a Hooker.”
______________________________________
COMMENTS? SUGGESTIONS? RIGHT WING REBUTTALS? Send ’em all to:
Jokesmith@peoplepc.com.
______________________________________
TAILGATE PARTY… A Stockton, CA high school has been banned from competing in the playoffs after evidence was uncovered that its coach had been recruiting players from American Samoa. Opposing teams became suspicious when they noticed three defensive linemen roasting a pig---under the end zone.
TEN-HUT!… The City of Chicago School District now has four high schools that are run by the military. Non-college bound students are allowed to take four years of Motor Pool.
SOCIALIZED MEDICINE… Coca-Cola has contracted with the Peoples Republic to develop a new soft drink that incorporates ancient Chinese herbal remedies. The pause that refreshes and cures your fallen arches.
______________________________________
[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
___________________________________
CACTUS FLOWER… Mexico’s tequila industry has launched a program to warn the public that counterfeiters are selling home brew that can cause sudden dizziness, unconsciousness, blindness and even death. Like that isn’t what tequila is for?
HAT TRICKS… The Transportation Security Agency has issued new, more relaxed rules regarding searches of passengers’ head gear such as turbans, fezzes, ball caps and the like. Still subject to a full search are Brazilian women wearing suspicious fruit and Packers fans wearing cheese.
Wednesday 10/17/07
ANNIE GET YOUR GUN… The State Department is reported to be considering alternatives to Blackwater to provide security in Iraq. One idea on the table is to send Ann Coulter over there and tell her the insurgents are in need of being perfected.
STALLED AGAIN… About as welcome in the GOP as Nancy Pelosi, Larry Craig has vowed to explore all legal appeals of his sex solicitation case while continuing to serve in the Senate. Rumors are that he’ll ask the court if he can change his guilty plea to “not guilty by reason of temporary homosexuality.”
COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM… Congress is considering a bill that would allow judges to release terminally ill convicts to die at home. With the exception, of course, of those who are scheduled to be “terminally executed.”
______________________________________
“It is clear that our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas.”
George W. Bush 9/18/03 Beaverton, ORE
______________________________________
POCKET DONUT… At least eight states either have banned or are about to ban low slung pants favored by gang members. Despite fierce opposition from the International Brotherhood of Plumbers.
SPECIAL EFFECTS… To create more realism during fire drills, several universities are releasing theatrical smoke in the dorms. Some of the more affluent Ivy League schools reenact the chandelier scene from “Phantom of the Opera.”
FLUSHED WITH PRIDE… The Rutgers Woman’s Basketball Team was recently honored by the Women’s Sports Foundation in New York City. They were presented with a bronze toilet seat for their locker room with Don Imus’s portrait painted on it.
______________________________________
[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for
the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org
password:independence
______________________________________________
JAYWALKING?… Jay Leno now says he doesn’t want to step aside for Conan O’Brian as promised. Apparently, Jay has cooled some on his lifelong dream of becoming a chin model.
TOME TODDLERS… “Mayor Peyton’s Book Club” admits Jacksonville, Florida preschoolers as young as four years old. This month’s selection: “Who Moved My Poo?”
CALL ME “MOM”… Prince William’s girlfriend Kate Middleton was photographed with Prince Charles, spurring rumors that an engagement announcement may be imminent. Even stronger evidence---she had lunch with Queen Liz and didn’t bring her food taster.
STALLED AGAIN… About as welcome in the GOP as Nancy Pelosi, Larry Craig has vowed to explore all legal appeals of his sex solicitation case while continuing to serve in the Senate. Rumors are that he’ll ask the court if he can change his guilty plea to “not guilty by reason of temporary homosexuality.”
COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM… Congress is considering a bill that would allow judges to release terminally ill convicts to die at home. With the exception, of course, of those who are scheduled to be “terminally executed.”
______________________________________
“It is clear that our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas.”
George W. Bush 9/18/03 Beaverton, ORE
______________________________________
POCKET DONUT… At least eight states either have banned or are about to ban low slung pants favored by gang members. Despite fierce opposition from the International Brotherhood of Plumbers.
SPECIAL EFFECTS… To create more realism during fire drills, several universities are releasing theatrical smoke in the dorms. Some of the more affluent Ivy League schools reenact the chandelier scene from “Phantom of the Opera.”
FLUSHED WITH PRIDE… The Rutgers Woman’s Basketball Team was recently honored by the Women’s Sports Foundation in New York City. They were presented with a bronze toilet seat for their locker room with Don Imus’s portrait painted on it.
______________________________________
[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for
the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org
password:independence
______________________________________________
JAYWALKING?… Jay Leno now says he doesn’t want to step aside for Conan O’Brian as promised. Apparently, Jay has cooled some on his lifelong dream of becoming a chin model.
TOME TODDLERS… “Mayor Peyton’s Book Club” admits Jacksonville, Florida preschoolers as young as four years old. This month’s selection: “Who Moved My Poo?”
CALL ME “MOM”… Prince William’s girlfriend Kate Middleton was photographed with Prince Charles, spurring rumors that an engagement announcement may be imminent. Even stronger evidence---she had lunch with Queen Liz and didn’t bring her food taster.
Monday 10/15/07
SWITCHEROO… Ann Coulter told an interviewer that “In an ideal America, everyone would be a Christian. Jews should be perfected through Christianity.” Ann has been into seeking perfection since his/her sex-change surgery proved so darn successful.
MARCUS WELBY… McCain tells the Des Moines Rotary Club: “The solution, my friends, isn’t a one-size-fits-all big government takeover of health care.” John’s solution, inspired mainly by boyhood memories, would involve bloodletting, leech therapy and bed rest.
P’s & Q’s… The NCAA has issued new “rules of decorum” for basketball coaches to penalize unsportsmanlike behavior. No longer allowed:
[1] Foul, demeaning or lewd language
[2] Obscene hand, arm or tongue gestures
[3] Casting doubt on opponent’s parentage
[4] Spitting
[5] Anything Bobby Knight does
____________________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
____________________________________________
RUBBER GAME… The world’s leading condom experts convened in Seogwipo, South Korea to update international standards for the 14 billion condoms produced each year. Until now, they’ve been available in only three sizes: “Small,” “Medium,” and “Wilt Chamberlain.”
MEANING OF LIFE… The Dali Lama has arrived in the US for a three-day visit. When Bush presented him with the Congressional Gold Medal, he was so appreciative, he pardoned Marion Jones.
PEANUTS & CRACKER JACK… The Freedom From Religion Foundation kicked off its 30th national convention in Madison, WIS. In lieu of an opening prayer, they recited the lyrics from “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” in front of a portrait of Madelyn Murray O’Hare.
DEUS IN ADJUTORIAM NOSTRAM… The Vatican has suspended Monsignor Tommaso Stenico after he was caught on a hidden video camera telling a group of young men that he doesn’t consider gay sex a sin. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed he employed a particularly wide stance while celebrating Mass.
_____________________________________
“I like my buddies from West Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them when I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president.”
George W. Bush 2/1/06 Nashville, TENN
_____________________________________
LIFT OFF… The annual FBI crime report shows an increase in homicides and a decrease in assaults with firearms. Another welcome trend---astronaut stalkings have fallen off dramatically.
HOLE IN THE WALL… A photograph believed taken in the early 1800’s is thought to be the first visual depiction of pornography. Though difficult to identify, those pictured appear to be Butch Cassidy, The Sundance Kid, Etta Place and an unidentified mule.
BEE-REEP… Scientists in India have developed a reusable adhesive inspired by a substance found in the toe pads of tree frogs. As if Kermit weren’t already getting enough residuals.
UNANIMOUS… Evander Holyfield, 45, seeking his fifth heavyweight crown, lost a 12-round decision to Russian Sultan Ibragimov, 32, in Moscow. The judges had it 118-110, 117-111 and 117-111. On a slightly brighter note for Evander, he won healthiest blood pressure with 70/110 and best PSA at .03.
MARCUS WELBY… McCain tells the Des Moines Rotary Club: “The solution, my friends, isn’t a one-size-fits-all big government takeover of health care.” John’s solution, inspired mainly by boyhood memories, would involve bloodletting, leech therapy and bed rest.
P’s & Q’s… The NCAA has issued new “rules of decorum” for basketball coaches to penalize unsportsmanlike behavior. No longer allowed:
[1] Foul, demeaning or lewd language
[2] Obscene hand, arm or tongue gestures
[3] Casting doubt on opponent’s parentage
[4] Spitting
[5] Anything Bobby Knight does
____________________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
____________________________________________
RUBBER GAME… The world’s leading condom experts convened in Seogwipo, South Korea to update international standards for the 14 billion condoms produced each year. Until now, they’ve been available in only three sizes: “Small,” “Medium,” and “Wilt Chamberlain.”
MEANING OF LIFE… The Dali Lama has arrived in the US for a three-day visit. When Bush presented him with the Congressional Gold Medal, he was so appreciative, he pardoned Marion Jones.
PEANUTS & CRACKER JACK… The Freedom From Religion Foundation kicked off its 30th national convention in Madison, WIS. In lieu of an opening prayer, they recited the lyrics from “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” in front of a portrait of Madelyn Murray O’Hare.
DEUS IN ADJUTORIAM NOSTRAM… The Vatican has suspended Monsignor Tommaso Stenico after he was caught on a hidden video camera telling a group of young men that he doesn’t consider gay sex a sin. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed he employed a particularly wide stance while celebrating Mass.
_____________________________________
“I like my buddies from West Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them when I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president.”
George W. Bush 2/1/06 Nashville, TENN
_____________________________________
LIFT OFF… The annual FBI crime report shows an increase in homicides and a decrease in assaults with firearms. Another welcome trend---astronaut stalkings have fallen off dramatically.
HOLE IN THE WALL… A photograph believed taken in the early 1800’s is thought to be the first visual depiction of pornography. Though difficult to identify, those pictured appear to be Butch Cassidy, The Sundance Kid, Etta Place and an unidentified mule.
BEE-REEP… Scientists in India have developed a reusable adhesive inspired by a substance found in the toe pads of tree frogs. As if Kermit weren’t already getting enough residuals.
UNANIMOUS… Evander Holyfield, 45, seeking his fifth heavyweight crown, lost a 12-round decision to Russian Sultan Ibragimov, 32, in Moscow. The judges had it 118-110, 117-111 and 117-111. On a slightly brighter note for Evander, he won healthiest blood pressure with 70/110 and best PSA at .03.
Friday 10/12/07
WIN ONE... The body of Notre Dame football legend George Gipp, who died of pneumonia in his senior year so Knute Rockne could inspire the team, has been exhumed to extract his DNA. Which scientists hope will help determine why Ronald Reagan was such a hammy actor.
Rx INDEX… The FDA rejects one third of all names proposed for new drugs, despite pharmaceutical companies spending $200,000 to $500,000 to come up with them. The agency’s stringent rules require that they be distinctive, not easily confused with other names and easy for Rush Limbaugh to pronounce.
CHI SHAKEUP… The Chicago Police Department has disbanded its elite Drug and Gang Unit after evidence surfaced that they were involved with assaults, home invasions and kidnapping. That’s the good news. The bad news: they’ve hired Blackwater.
EMBASSILITY… The scheduled opening of the $750 million US embassy in Baghdad has been postponed indefinitely due to cost overruns and shoddy workmanship. Some other problems:
[1] The storage rooms for the asbestos American flags are too small.
[2] Pipes leading to waterboarding room leak.
[3] No gun rack in Cheney’s office.
[4] Statue of Rumsfeld on the front lawn looks like David Hasselhoff.
[5] Blackwater operatives keep shooting out the windows.
_______________________________________
"I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I'm going to be the president of everybody."
George W. Bush 1/18/2001 Washington DC
_______________________________________
TECH SUPPORT… Immunologists at Duke University have discovered that the appendix, long thought superfluous, actually serves a useful purpose by producing beneficial bacteria that can “reboot” an ailing stomach. Even better, in the event of a crash, you can "reset" by poking a finger in your navel.
ROSE TATTOOED… Human rights activists are protesting China’s entry in this year’s Rose Parade. Also, they claim it’s a knockoff of last year’s Cartier float.
ROAMING CHARGES… Gary Forsee, the CEO of Sprint, has stepped down. The Board of Directors reluctantly accepted his text message of resignation.
OLE!… Taco Bell has opened its first restaurant in Mexico featuring the American version of the taco. Called a "tacostada," it comes with a complimentary green card.
Rx INDEX… The FDA rejects one third of all names proposed for new drugs, despite pharmaceutical companies spending $200,000 to $500,000 to come up with them. The agency’s stringent rules require that they be distinctive, not easily confused with other names and easy for Rush Limbaugh to pronounce.
CHI SHAKEUP… The Chicago Police Department has disbanded its elite Drug and Gang Unit after evidence surfaced that they were involved with assaults, home invasions and kidnapping. That’s the good news. The bad news: they’ve hired Blackwater.
EMBASSILITY… The scheduled opening of the $750 million US embassy in Baghdad has been postponed indefinitely due to cost overruns and shoddy workmanship. Some other problems:
[1] The storage rooms for the asbestos American flags are too small.
[2] Pipes leading to waterboarding room leak.
[3] No gun rack in Cheney’s office.
[4] Statue of Rumsfeld on the front lawn looks like David Hasselhoff.
[5] Blackwater operatives keep shooting out the windows.
_______________________________________
"I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I'm going to be the president of everybody."
George W. Bush 1/18/2001 Washington DC
_______________________________________
TECH SUPPORT… Immunologists at Duke University have discovered that the appendix, long thought superfluous, actually serves a useful purpose by producing beneficial bacteria that can “reboot” an ailing stomach. Even better, in the event of a crash, you can "reset" by poking a finger in your navel.
ROSE TATTOOED… Human rights activists are protesting China’s entry in this year’s Rose Parade. Also, they claim it’s a knockoff of last year’s Cartier float.
ROAMING CHARGES… Gary Forsee, the CEO of Sprint, has stepped down. The Board of Directors reluctantly accepted his text message of resignation.
OLE!… Taco Bell has opened its first restaurant in Mexico featuring the American version of the taco. Called a "tacostada," it comes with a complimentary green card.
Wednesday 10/10/07
REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY… British Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced that he’ll reduce troops in Iraq by half. The problem, he says, will be backing out without being picked off by one of Bush’s trigger-happy Blackwater rent-a-cops.
BORED WALK… The mayor of Atlantic City, under indictment for fraudulently claiming service in Special Forces, is missing along with his city-issued car. Adding to the mystery, he was last seen with a Spanish speaking reporter from Telemundo.
THREE POINTER… Larry Craig will be installed in the Idaho Hall of Fame. Not to be outdone, the National Association of NFL Linemen will soon honor him with their annual “Wide Stance Award.”
_______________________________________
[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines (OJ, anyone?) the moment they
hit the street, check the "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a
beat, it's a smart idea to add the blog to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
NO REFUND… Marion Jones has returned her five Olympic medals. Within a half hour, OJ called and offered to steal them back.
KOSHER… Israeli officials have signaled a willingness to divide Jerusalem. Evidenced by the new “Deli” and “No Deli” Zones.
OIL OF MONET… Vandals broke into a Paris museum and defaced a painting by impressionist Claude Monet. Several suspects have already been identified from the painting, one of Monet’s lesser-known works entitled “Vandals Breaking Into a Museum.”
_______________________________________
“I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome.”
George W. Bush 12/12/05 Philadelphia, PA
_______________________________________
ROYALLY FLUSHED… Britney Spears says she feels like another Princess Di. Before you scoff, you have to admit that marrying a future king isn’t that different from appearing on Larry King.
DANG ME, DANG ME… That Florida federal prosecutor who was jailed after he flew to Ohio to have sex with a 5-year old hung himself in his cell with a bed sheet. Actually, it was the third sheet guards smuggled in to him. The first two broke.
DO DO THAT VOODOO… A Haitian memorial monument has been unveiled in Savannah. Visitors are encouraged to stick pins in it.
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________
PATE MATE… Experimenting on mice, a team of medical researchers at the Cleveland Clinic believe they have found a method of transplanting an entire head of hair from a cadaver. Unfortunately, only one human has undergone the costly procedure---Donald Trump.
ROUNDING THE TURN… Champion British jockey Kieran Fallon went on trial at the Old Bailey for fixing races only one day after winning the Prix de l’ Arc du Triomphe in Paris. Aboard the Cincinnati three year old, Pete Rose.
BORED WALK… The mayor of Atlantic City, under indictment for fraudulently claiming service in Special Forces, is missing along with his city-issued car. Adding to the mystery, he was last seen with a Spanish speaking reporter from Telemundo.
THREE POINTER… Larry Craig will be installed in the Idaho Hall of Fame. Not to be outdone, the National Association of NFL Linemen will soon honor him with their annual “Wide Stance Award.”
_______________________________________
[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines (OJ, anyone?) the moment they
hit the street, check the "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a
beat, it's a smart idea to add the blog to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
NO REFUND… Marion Jones has returned her five Olympic medals. Within a half hour, OJ called and offered to steal them back.
KOSHER… Israeli officials have signaled a willingness to divide Jerusalem. Evidenced by the new “Deli” and “No Deli” Zones.
OIL OF MONET… Vandals broke into a Paris museum and defaced a painting by impressionist Claude Monet. Several suspects have already been identified from the painting, one of Monet’s lesser-known works entitled “Vandals Breaking Into a Museum.”
_______________________________________
“I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome.”
George W. Bush 12/12/05 Philadelphia, PA
_______________________________________
ROYALLY FLUSHED… Britney Spears says she feels like another Princess Di. Before you scoff, you have to admit that marrying a future king isn’t that different from appearing on Larry King.
DANG ME, DANG ME… That Florida federal prosecutor who was jailed after he flew to Ohio to have sex with a 5-year old hung himself in his cell with a bed sheet. Actually, it was the third sheet guards smuggled in to him. The first two broke.
DO DO THAT VOODOO… A Haitian memorial monument has been unveiled in Savannah. Visitors are encouraged to stick pins in it.
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________
PATE MATE… Experimenting on mice, a team of medical researchers at the Cleveland Clinic believe they have found a method of transplanting an entire head of hair from a cadaver. Unfortunately, only one human has undergone the costly procedure---Donald Trump.
ROUNDING THE TURN… Champion British jockey Kieran Fallon went on trial at the Old Bailey for fixing races only one day after winning the Prix de l’ Arc du Triomphe in Paris. Aboard the Cincinnati three year old, Pete Rose.
Monday 10/8/07
TIME BANDIT… The Rolex that OJ was ordered to turn over to the Goldmans turned out to be a $100 knockoff. But a good one---the Oyster Perpetual Day, Date, Alibi-adjust.
WHO’S SORRY NOW… Olympic track star Marion Jones made a tearful, heart-wrenching, court house steps apology for lying to federal agents about her steroid use. In fact, she got so carried away, she inadvertently confessed to killing Nicole Simpson, Ron Goldman and Lana Clarkson.
ZZZZZ… In Washington, Fred Thompson delivered a stultifyingly boring speech that McNeil-Lehrer’s Mark Shields described as “a cure for Sominex. About midway, someone in the crowd yelled “Do Buford Pusser!"
BODY COUNT… McCain said that as president he’d appoint Alan Greenspan to revamp the Tax Code and “… if he’s no longer alive, we’ll prop him up and put sunglasses on him like they did in ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’.” You know, kind of like what they do with Cheney’s weekend hunting victims.
_______________________________
“It’s important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It’s not only life of babies, but it’s life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the internet.”
George W. Bush 10/24/00 Arlington Heights, ILL
________________________________
HENHOUSE DEPT… To stem the carnage of Iraqi civilians, Rice sent State Department employees to oversee those trigger-happy Blackwater mercenaries. Isn’t this a little like sending Marion Jones to the Olympics as a track and field drug tester?
TAKE TWO… George Rieveschi, who in 1946 gave up art to become a chemist and soon after invented Benedryl, has died at age 91. After a fitting memorial service, he was buried in a pink casket shaped like a football.
SCENT & SCENTABILITY… California State University Northridge is considering a ban on students wearing perfume on campus. Not good news for Yves St. Laurent’s new “Essence of Frat House” cologne for men.
_______________________________________
[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for
the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20
to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles
Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's
Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
_______________________________________
OUR LADY OF POND SCUM… Orange County, CA bishop Tod Brown has been charged with contempt of court for sending a monsignor charged with pedophilia while serving at Mater Die High School out of the country to escape prosecution. Mater Die is Latin for “Give a douche bag a scepter and a pointy hat… “
HITCHCOCK REVISITED… Ornithologists in New Caledonia have observed crows that seem to possess the ability to use tools. Which they often put to the test by building straw-filled effigies of farmers.
ORAL DISSERTATION… Oral Roberts, Jr., president of Oral Roberts University, has been sued by school benefactors for squandering college funds on expensive clothes, cars, jewelry, cell phones, electronic equipment and vacation trips. Hello! Hey, the guy is a bible-thumping evangelist. That’s his JOB.
CHEERS!… Kevin Costner says he has lost $40 million in “green” projects including a scheme to develop a chemical-free battery. Seems after drinking his own in “Waterworld,” he mistakenly placed a lot of faith in urine.
____________________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington,
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____________________________________________
WORKING LATE TONIGHT… Guiliani frequently tells supporters that “I’m probably one of the four or five best known Americans in the world.” Best known adulterer for sure.
MIDDLE AISLE SEVEN… A couple who met and dated while training as WalMart employees, were married in the Springfield, Ohio store. They’re registered at Home Improvement, Electronics and the Garden Center.
GOING ONCE… A bidder paid $47,100 in a charity auction for a chance to appear in a movie with Will Ferrell. Even better, another bidder paid $62,700 not to.
ACHTUNG!… Human rights activists complained when the Google Earth satellite revealed that a Navy barracks in California is shaped like a swastika. Also causing concern in Washington, when viewed from above, Bush’s house, garage, barn and bunkhouse in Crawford spell out “Here Lives an Idiot.”
________________________________
“They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it’s some kind of federal program”
George W. Bush 11/2/07 St. Charles, Missouri
________________________________
WHO’S SORRY NOW… Olympic track star Marion Jones made a tearful, heart-wrenching, court house steps apology for lying to federal agents about her steroid use. In fact, she got so carried away, she inadvertently confessed to killing Nicole Simpson, Ron Goldman and Lana Clarkson.
ZZZZZ… In Washington, Fred Thompson delivered a stultifyingly boring speech that McNeil-Lehrer’s Mark Shields described as “a cure for Sominex. About midway, someone in the crowd yelled “Do Buford Pusser!"
BODY COUNT… McCain said that as president he’d appoint Alan Greenspan to revamp the Tax Code and “… if he’s no longer alive, we’ll prop him up and put sunglasses on him like they did in ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’.” You know, kind of like what they do with Cheney’s weekend hunting victims.
_______________________________
“It’s important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It’s not only life of babies, but it’s life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the internet.”
George W. Bush 10/24/00 Arlington Heights, ILL
________________________________
HENHOUSE DEPT… To stem the carnage of Iraqi civilians, Rice sent State Department employees to oversee those trigger-happy Blackwater mercenaries. Isn’t this a little like sending Marion Jones to the Olympics as a track and field drug tester?
TAKE TWO… George Rieveschi, who in 1946 gave up art to become a chemist and soon after invented Benedryl, has died at age 91. After a fitting memorial service, he was buried in a pink casket shaped like a football.
SCENT & SCENTABILITY… California State University Northridge is considering a ban on students wearing perfume on campus. Not good news for Yves St. Laurent’s new “Essence of Frat House” cologne for men.
_______________________________________
[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for
the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20
to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles
Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's
Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
_______________________________________
OUR LADY OF POND SCUM… Orange County, CA bishop Tod Brown has been charged with contempt of court for sending a monsignor charged with pedophilia while serving at Mater Die High School out of the country to escape prosecution. Mater Die is Latin for “Give a douche bag a scepter and a pointy hat… “
HITCHCOCK REVISITED… Ornithologists in New Caledonia have observed crows that seem to possess the ability to use tools. Which they often put to the test by building straw-filled effigies of farmers.
ORAL DISSERTATION… Oral Roberts, Jr., president of Oral Roberts University, has been sued by school benefactors for squandering college funds on expensive clothes, cars, jewelry, cell phones, electronic equipment and vacation trips. Hello! Hey, the guy is a bible-thumping evangelist. That’s his JOB.
CHEERS!… Kevin Costner says he has lost $40 million in “green” projects including a scheme to develop a chemical-free battery. Seems after drinking his own in “Waterworld,” he mistakenly placed a lot of faith in urine.
____________________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington,
DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar
Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues
including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
____________________________________________
WORKING LATE TONIGHT… Guiliani frequently tells supporters that “I’m probably one of the four or five best known Americans in the world.” Best known adulterer for sure.
MIDDLE AISLE SEVEN… A couple who met and dated while training as WalMart employees, were married in the Springfield, Ohio store. They’re registered at Home Improvement, Electronics and the Garden Center.
GOING ONCE… A bidder paid $47,100 in a charity auction for a chance to appear in a movie with Will Ferrell. Even better, another bidder paid $62,700 not to.
ACHTUNG!… Human rights activists complained when the Google Earth satellite revealed that a Navy barracks in California is shaped like a swastika. Also causing concern in Washington, when viewed from above, Bush’s house, garage, barn and bunkhouse in Crawford spell out “Here Lives an Idiot.”
________________________________
“They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it’s some kind of federal program”
George W. Bush 11/2/07 St. Charles, Missouri
________________________________
Friday 10/05/07
THUMBSCREWED... Bush says "This nation doesn't torture people." Unless, of course, you count having to watch this nitwit stumble his way through two terms.
CRAIG LISTS... Larry Craig says he's decided to serve out his Senate term to "clear his name." Flush away all those innuendoes, so to speak.
NO LIBRARIAN... Five time Olympic gold medal winner Marion Jones has admitted using steroids. Would have gotten away with it, too, if she wasn't four home runs behind Barry Bonds.
CLARENCE REVISITED... Isiah Thomas was found guilty of sexual harrassment while coaching the New York Knicks. He could be forgiven if he had harrassed some opposing teams.
PIN NUMBER... Republicans are outraged over Barack Obama's refusal to wear a flag pin on his lapel. Their candidates are required to wear the flag, except of course, when they wrap themselves in it.
_______________________________________
[] BULLETIN! To catch major, late-breaking headlines (OJ, anyone?) the moment they hit the street, check the "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add the blog to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
TROJAN HORSE... The FDA is considering a new drug catagory--"behind the counter"--to be dispensed by pharmacists. Much like teens have purchased rubbers for time immemorial.
EARLY VIEW... Paleontologists in Utah have uncovered fossils of a birdlike dinosaur which had 800 teeth. Thay've given it the scientific name, "Rosierious O'Donnellus Rex."
GOAL!... A new health study has shown that female athletes suffer more concussions playing body contact sports than boys. They're being advised to pursue gentler sports like, say, presidential politics.
CRAIG LISTS... Larry Craig says he's decided to serve out his Senate term to "clear his name." Flush away all those innuendoes, so to speak.
NO LIBRARIAN... Five time Olympic gold medal winner Marion Jones has admitted using steroids. Would have gotten away with it, too, if she wasn't four home runs behind Barry Bonds.
CLARENCE REVISITED... Isiah Thomas was found guilty of sexual harrassment while coaching the New York Knicks. He could be forgiven if he had harrassed some opposing teams.
PIN NUMBER... Republicans are outraged over Barack Obama's refusal to wear a flag pin on his lapel. Their candidates are required to wear the flag, except of course, when they wrap themselves in it.
_______________________________________
[] BULLETIN! To catch major, late-breaking headlines (OJ, anyone?) the moment they hit the street, check the "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add the blog to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
TROJAN HORSE... The FDA is considering a new drug catagory--"behind the counter"--to be dispensed by pharmacists. Much like teens have purchased rubbers for time immemorial.
EARLY VIEW... Paleontologists in Utah have uncovered fossils of a birdlike dinosaur which had 800 teeth. Thay've given it the scientific name, "Rosierious O'Donnellus Rex."
GOAL!... A new health study has shown that female athletes suffer more concussions playing body contact sports than boys. They're being advised to pursue gentler sports like, say, presidential politics.
Wednesday 10/03/07
PRIDE UNPREJUDICED... Surpassing Russia and Great Britain, the US is the top supplier of weapons to Third World nations. Which isn't as bad as it seems. What proud American wouldn't be proud to be shot with a gun proudly made by proud Americans?
WATERMARK... A new congressional report claims that Blackwater operatives have been involved in 195 shootings since 2005. A record for the Bush administration even without counting Cheney.
RIGHT TO STRIFE... Evangelists James Dobson and Tony Perkins warn that evangelicals will abandon the Republicans for a third party if Giuliani, a pro-abortionist in their opinion, is nominated. They promise the new party will have the cahones to challenge Row v. Wade and will be called the "Evantesticles."
GO IN NOW, JAMES... Actress Lois Maxwell, who appeared in fourteen Bond pictures as "Miss Moneypenny," has died at age 80. Adjusted to the declining US dollar, she'd be known today as "Miss Money Tenth-of-a-Cent."
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________
SPOOKS DUPED... A Justice Department study shows that the FBI could easily be infiltrated by double agents. And without Miss Moneypenny, England isn't much better off.
GROUND ZERO... AD-Air UK will install horizontal billboards around airports that are visible only to airline passengers. To add insult to injury, they'll include ads for luggage.
MOTHER DECREE... A Los Angeles judge has revoked Britney Spears' joint child custody rights and awarded them exclusively to K Fed. He also ordered her to stop trying to lip synch.
ROGER THAT... The makers of Hostess Twinkies have reported no progress in its talks with the Teamsters Union. Things may turn around, however, when Rubber Duckie finds a case of Twinkies stuffed into his exhaust manifold.
_______________________________________
"Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better."
George W. Bush 9/24/2001 Washington DC
_______________________________________
GOLDEN 'CHUTE... Vladimir Putin has indicated that he may appoint himself Prime Minister of Russia before his term as president runs out, which could keep him in power until 2024. For God's sake, don't tell Bush about this.
BUZZZ... TSA has ordered airport screeners to examine more closely all remotely controlled devices in carry-on luggage. And some passengers may be required to demonstrate the use of sex toys.
SWEET SORROW... Hershey has laid off 3000 workers in six plants---Each of whom received a chocolate kiss with "So long---been nice" printed on that little white strip.
COMBOVER... In her new book, "Celebrity Detox: The Fame Game," Rosie O'Donnell describes Donald Trump as "Totally creepy. He was sadistic in a deeply distrubing way." Worse, she suspects something evil is living in his hair.
WATERMARK... A new congressional report claims that Blackwater operatives have been involved in 195 shootings since 2005. A record for the Bush administration even without counting Cheney.
RIGHT TO STRIFE... Evangelists James Dobson and Tony Perkins warn that evangelicals will abandon the Republicans for a third party if Giuliani, a pro-abortionist in their opinion, is nominated. They promise the new party will have the cahones to challenge Row v. Wade and will be called the "Evantesticles."
GO IN NOW, JAMES... Actress Lois Maxwell, who appeared in fourteen Bond pictures as "Miss Moneypenny," has died at age 80. Adjusted to the declining US dollar, she'd be known today as "Miss Money Tenth-of-a-Cent."
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________
SPOOKS DUPED... A Justice Department study shows that the FBI could easily be infiltrated by double agents. And without Miss Moneypenny, England isn't much better off.
GROUND ZERO... AD-Air UK will install horizontal billboards around airports that are visible only to airline passengers. To add insult to injury, they'll include ads for luggage.
MOTHER DECREE... A Los Angeles judge has revoked Britney Spears' joint child custody rights and awarded them exclusively to K Fed. He also ordered her to stop trying to lip synch.
ROGER THAT... The makers of Hostess Twinkies have reported no progress in its talks with the Teamsters Union. Things may turn around, however, when Rubber Duckie finds a case of Twinkies stuffed into his exhaust manifold.
_______________________________________
"Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better."
George W. Bush 9/24/2001 Washington DC
_______________________________________
GOLDEN 'CHUTE... Vladimir Putin has indicated that he may appoint himself Prime Minister of Russia before his term as president runs out, which could keep him in power until 2024. For God's sake, don't tell Bush about this.
BUZZZ... TSA has ordered airport screeners to examine more closely all remotely controlled devices in carry-on luggage. And some passengers may be required to demonstrate the use of sex toys.
SWEET SORROW... Hershey has laid off 3000 workers in six plants---Each of whom received a chocolate kiss with "So long---been nice" printed on that little white strip.
COMBOVER... In her new book, "Celebrity Detox: The Fame Game," Rosie O'Donnell describes Donald Trump as "Totally creepy. He was sadistic in a deeply distrubing way." Worse, she suspects something evil is living in his hair.
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
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THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ