Wednesday, January 31, 2007: "Shhhh... "

[] The University of Dallas has withdrawn its bid to host the George W. Bush Presidential Library. (USA Today 1/23)

They've decided to build the J.R. Ewing Library instead. More books.
_______________________________________

[] Pete Sampras, away from the courts for five years, will play in a senior tournament. (USA Today 1/30)

The "AARP-Centrum Silver-Metamucil-Cialas-Flomax-Salonpas Open" in Sun City.
_______________________________________

[] CBS canceled "Armed & Famous" after only four episodes. (Cable News Network 1/30)

Seems the famous couldn't avoid arresting suspects who were also famous. The non-famous had simply had enough.
_______________________________________

[] Sarah Lee sacks 1700 employees. (ABC News 1/29)

Even the company's namesake was pinkslipped. Their new slogan: "Nobody Doesn't Like Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York."
_______________________________________

[] A tone-deaf Hillary Clinton was caught on an open microphone mangling the National Anthem during a visit to Iowa. (NBC News 1/29)

On a brighter note, she's been invited to perform at the San Diego Padres season opener.
_______________________________________

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."

George W. Bush 11/20/05 Tucson, Arizona
_______________________________________

[] Democratic congress vows to make global warming a top priority. (USA Today 1/30)

There's already a bill in the works to place Al Gore on the Endangered Species List.
_______________________________________

[] The captain of the nuclear submarine USS Newport News was relieved of duty after running his ship into a Japanese tanker. (USA Today 1/30)

Which fast tracked him onto Bush's short list for Navy Secretary.
_______________________________________

[] New Yorkers are suffering an invasion of bed bugs. (USA Today 1/27)

Mayor Bloomberg is this close to declaring a quarantine on Paris Hilton.
_______________________________________

[] The Beijing government has released a list of newly recognized job descriptions including "sports agent," "video mixer" and "pet doctor." (USA Today 1/29)

Formerly called "chef."
_______________________________________

[] Fishermen off the coast of Tokyo netted a rare, prehistoric shark, that lives at 2000 feet. (USA Today 1/24)

Known as a "living fossil," it has eel-like skin, rows of sharp teeth... oops, sorry, that's Donald Trump.
_______________________________________

[] Silverjet Airlines offers beds, gourmet meals and vintage wines on daily round trip business class between London and Newark. (USA Today 1/25)

So far, their biggest problem is coaxing passengers to get off the plane in Newark.
_______________________________________

[] Bush's approval rating at 28%, matching Nixon's a week before he resigned. (USA Today 1/28)

Just to be on the safe side, he's ordered Cheney's doctors to set his pacemaker on "pardon."
_______________________________________

[] Martha Stewart is helping boyfriend Charles Simonyi prepare for his journey to the Space Station in April. (USA Today 1/23)

He'll spend the mission in a French Provincial, Louis XIV captain's chair on an early American, Queen Anne inspired flight deck.
_______________________________________

[] Illinois Senator Dick Durbin to Anderson Cooper on CNN: "Cheney is delusional." (Cable News Network 1/25)

Just because he imagined the WMD's... a welcome as "liberators"... an insurgency in its "death throes"... "enormous successes" in Iraq? How about psychopathic?
_______________________________________

[] The average price of a seat at the Super Bowl is $5,115. (Associated Press 1/27)

Another $1500 if you want a back on it.
_______________________________________

[] Prince Charles and wife Camilla visit City of Brotherly Love. (USA Today 1/29)

Where the Prince participated in talks on urban renewal, global health care and human rights violations on "American Idol."
_______________________________________

[] Combination birth control-acne pill approved by FDA. (USA Today 1/30)

No kids, no zits.
_______________________________________

"Not over my dead body will they raise your taxes."

George W. Bush 1/5/02 Ontario, CA
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Friday, January 26, 2007: Tee For Two

[] An Australian passenger was removed from a Quantas flight for wearing a T-shirt with a photo of Bush that said "World's No. 1 Terrorist." (Associated Press 1/24)

The back had a picture of Cheney and the inscription: "World's Proudest Lesbian Grandpa."
_______________________________________

[] Isiah Washington enters rehab. (Associated Press 1/24)

Which could put him in the same graduating class as Lindsay Lohan, Mark Foley and Michael Richards.
_______________________________________

[] Attorney General Gonzales says the Constitution doesn't guarantee every citizen the right of habeas corpus. (S.F. Chronicle 1/24)

Citing as legal authority the works of Heinrich Himmler.
_______________________________________

[] Michigan court rules that the crime of adultery could draw life imprisonment. (Los Angeles Times 1/20)

Death by stoning if Gonzales has anything to say about it.
_______________________________________

[] On the third deadliest day in Iraq, insurgents infiltrated a green zone near Kabala wearing US Army uniforms. (Washington Post 1/22)

But, Bush was quick to boast, they were members of "the best-equipped, most highly motivated fake US Army in the world."
_______________________________________

[] Kerry: "I won't enter the 2008 presidential race." (Cable News Network 1/24)

But being Kerry, he could reverse course at any moment.
_______________________________________

"I like the idea of people running for office. There's a positive effect when you run for office. Maybe some will run for office and say, vote for me, I look forward to blowing up America. I don't know if that will be their platform or not. But it's... I don't think so. I think people who generally run for office say, vote for me, I'm looking forward to fixing your potholes or making sure you have bread on the table."

George W. Bush 3/16/05 Washington, D.C.
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[] A 1966, 800-horsepower Shelby Cobra sold at auction for a record $5.5 million. (Associated Press 1/22)

Pricy until you realize it included an extended warrenty.
_______________________________________

[] Oakland Raiders hire Lane Kiffin, at 31 the youngest coach in modern NFL history. (S.F. Chronicle 1/24)

He can't even get in to watch the game films unless accompanied by a parent or adult guardian.
_______________________________________

[] Bush's State if the Union Address drew more viewers than "American Idol." (ABC News 1/24)

Everybody was happy. Either way, they got an amateur.
_______________________________________

[] Study at the Oregon Health and Science University shows that 8% of sheep are gay. (New York Times 1/25)

And 73% of those prefer farmers.
_______________________________________

"It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America."

George W. Bush 7/8/03 Dakar, Senegal
_______________________________________

Sunday, January 21, 2007: Here She Comes...

[] The Miss America Pageant is being revamped to make it more "relevant." (Associated Press 1/20)

Any contestant expressing a desire to "eradicate world hunger" will receive a free African orphan and a Lifetime Gold Pass at Denny's.
_______________________________________

[] The Motion Picture Association of America is revising its film rating system.(Associated Press 1/19)

And adding several new classifications:

1) PDC Must Be Accompanied by Parent or Parent's Divorce Lawyer
2) NFG Some Frontal Nudity Accompanied By Giggling
3) SPSN Stars Pauley Shore... 'Nuf Said
4) NARS Not Another "Rocky" Sequel
5) WGPC Who Greenlighted This Piece of Crap?
_______________________________________

[] A woman emerged after 19 years alone in the Cambodian jungle burbling, grunting and walking bent over. (Associated Press 1/20)

Oh, sorry... that was Rosie O'Donnell showing up for work on "The View."
_______________________________________

[] Bush to Scott Pelley on "60 Minutes": "You know, saying 'Bring 'em on' was a mistake." (USA Today 1/19)

But not as disastrous as saying "I will" at his swearing-in.
_______________________________________

[] Los Angeles will bid on the 2016 Summer Olympics. (Associated Press 1/20)

Offering a new event: the 1600 Meter American Idol Audition Medley Relay.
_______________________________________

"Saddam would still be in power if Kerry were president of the United States and the world would be a lot better off."

George W. Bush at the presidential debate on 10/8/04
_______________________________________

[] Julie Winnifred Bertrand, the world's second-oldest woman, died in Montreal at age 115. (Associated Press 1/20)

As a teen, she baby sat Dick Clark.
_______________________________________

[] Former Ohio Republican Congressman Bob Ney draws 2 1/2 years for his role in the Abramhoff scandal. (New York Times 1/20)

He's undergoing orientation at the Mark Foley Reception Center in the Dan Rostenkowski Unit of the Duke Cunningham Crooked Hack Politician Correctional Facility.
_______________________________________

[] The House has revamped the student intern program to protect the pages from sex abuse by members of Congress. (USA Today 1/20)

Lawmakers admit that their mistake in the past was relying on advice from Catholic Church leaders.
_______________________________________

[] Pope Benedict XVI will travel to Brazil to attend May's Conference of Latin American Bishops. (Associated Press 1/20)

During which time, he's expected to canonize George Lopez, Cameron Diaz, Penelope Cruz, Antonio Banderes, Jennifer Lopez and name Ricardo Montalban a cardinal.
_______________________________________

[] Forbes Magazine crowns Oprah Winfrey the "Richest Woman in Entertainment." (Associated Press 1/20)

Amid ugly rumors that she gifted the judges with free cars.
_______________________________________

[] Soon New York cabs will be equipped with video screens displaying product ads. (Associated Press 1/20)

Some imbedded in the driver's turban.
_______________________________________

[] A House investigation found that 24 cruise passengers went missing between 2003 and 2005. (Los Angeles Times 1/20)

And that's not even counting the ones who fell into the Midnight Buffet and disappeared.
_______________________________________

"It's my honor to speak to you as the leader of your country. And the great thing about America is you don't have to listen unless you want to."

George W. Bush at Ellis Island, New York on 7/15/01
_______________________________________

[] Sunnis outraged as Iraq botches the hanging of Saddam's half-brother by snapping off his head in the process. (USA Today 1/16)

Time for another peek at that "Texas Execution Handbook" Bush gave them for Christmas.
_______________________________________

[] For the first time since it began, a majority of Americans believe the US will lose the war in Iraq. (USA Today 1/16)

There's a silver lining, though. By the same margin, most believe that The Donald will sign a peace treaty with Rosie.
_______________________________________

"I strongly believe we're doing the right thing. If I didn't believe it, I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I'd pull the troops out."

George W.Bush on 4/6/06 in Charlotte, N.C.

"I think the tide is turning... see, as I remember... I was raised in the desert, but the tides kind of... it's easy to see a tide turn... Did I say those words?"

George W. Bush on 6/14/06 in Washington, D.C.
_______________________________________

"Nixon was Camelot to political satirists."

Art Buchwald -- 1925-2007
_______________________________________

[] AARP recalls child safety seat data after FDA challenges their testing procedures. (USA Today 1/18)

Seems they failed to use real children.
_______________________________________

[] Tobacco companies deny charges that they knowingly increased nicotine levels.(ABC News 1/18)

One slimeball executive at Philip Morris even asked, "What's nicotine?"
_______________________________________

[] Harley-Davidson posts a 4% rise in sales. (ABC News 1/18)

Spurring identical increases in beer sales, missing teeth and tattoos.
_______________________________________

[] Renamed LA/Ontario and LA/Palmdale airports expect to alleviate the crowding at LAX. (USA Today 1/16)

Still awaiting approval... LA/Anaheim/Azuza and Cu----camonga International.
_______________________________________

[] CIA to be made more flexible, remove barrier between spys and data analysts. (USA Today 1/16)

From now on, BOTH will be allowed to wear Ray-Bans and Burberry raincoats.
_______________________________________

[] Muslim teachers in Bavaria aren't allowed to wear head scarves while Catholic nuns' habits are okay. (USA Today 1/16)

The nuns have an advantage. The state bird of Bavaria is the penguin.
_______________________________________

[] Manhattan's New York Downtown Hospital is set to perform the world's first uterus transplant. (USA Today 1/16)

Christian Fundamentalists are strongly opposed, claiming embryos have a "right to life housing." (USA Today 1/16)
_______________________________________

[] Donald Trump gets a star on Hollywood Boulevard. (USA Today 1/16)

His hair is already in the cement at Graumann's Chinese.
___________________________________

[] Phil Michelson is reworking his form preparing for the Bob Hope Desert Classic. (USA Today 1/17)

Phil now breaks his wrists earlier on the downswing and chokes later in the tournament.
_______________________________________

[] Lt. General Dan Halutz, responsible for Israel's botched invasion of Palestine, has resigned. (USA Today 1/17)

Won't be out of work long, though. He'll join the war-planning firm of Don Rumsfeld & Associates.
_______________________________________

[] The Navy will name a new carrier after Gerald Ford. (USA Today 1/17)

Equipped with a stumble-proof gangplank.
_______________________________________

[] Bucking a long-time trend, TV dramas will feature more Christian conservative characters. (USA Today 1/17)

Most will be killed off early by the more intelligent left-leaning characters, but it's a start.
_______________________________________

[] Rumors persist that David Beckham joined the LA Galaxy to pursue a career in Hollywood. (USA Today 1/17)

Reports vehemently denied by his wife, Posh Oregano.
_______________________________________

[] The first regular-season NFL game will be played in England. (USA Today 1/17)

With a few changes to accomodate British sensibilities:

1) Coin toss replaced by the "Euro Flip"
2) Rupert Everett will act as an enterpreter for John Madden
3) No changing of guards without presence of a Beefeater
4) Line judges will wear robes and wigs
5) Tailgate parties limited to strawberries and cream
_______________________________________

[] Seven federal prosecutors were sacked by the Attorney General Gonzales with no explanation. (MSNBC 1/17)

Wouldn't you think Harriet Meirs could find a new job on her own?
_______________________________________

[] Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab. (USA Today 1/18)

She's been assigned a bed in the Britney Spears Unit in the Mel Gibson Wing of the Paris Hilton Hilton.
_______________________________________

[]The body of James Brown is being kept in a "chilled room" until a site for his mausoleum is chosen. (USA Today 1/17)

Actually, James is bunking with Ted Williams and Walt Disney.
_______________________________________

[] Age-O-Matic.com allows users to age photos of themselves up to fifty years. (USA Today 1/18)

Watching American Idol will do the same thing.
_______________________________________

[] The NHL has unveiled safer, more durable uniforms to be adopted by all teams. (USA Today 1/18)

The old ones had inadequate armor which had to be upgraded by the players' families and friends.
_______________________________________

"My pro-life position is I believe there's life. It's not necessarily based in religion. I think there's a life there, therefore the notion of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." (George W.Bush on 1/23/01 to the San Francisco Chronicle)

"I'm also mindful that man should never try to put words in God's mouth. I mean, we should never ascribe natural disasters or anything else to God. We are in no way, shape or form should a human being play God." (George W. Bush on 1/4/05 to "20-20")
_______________________________________

[] Bush promises to veto a House bill that would require the federal government to negotiate with drug companies to lower Medicare prices. (USA Today 1/12)

But most think he'll come around when Pfizer cuts off his free Viagra.
_______________________________________

[] Bush to "60 Minutes": "I'm the educator-in-chief." (Los Angeles Times 1/15)

Whose duties, we hope to God, won't conflict with those of his job as "the decider."
_______________________________________

[] A digitally-created Orville Redenbacher will appear in a commercial during half time at the Super Bowl. (USA Today 1/12)

If the public buys Orville, the Pentagon plans to kill a digital version of Osama Bin Laden, tell Bush they got him, and bring home the troops.
_______________________________________

[] David Beckham has signed with the Los Angeles Galaxy for $250 million. (USA Today 1/12)

And seems to be generating more interest in soccer than Mia Hamm's sports bra.
_______________________________________

[] MSC's new cruise liner "Orchestra" will cater primarily to passengers from Italy, France and Germany. (USA Today 1/12)

When the ship crosses the equator, they'll reenact World War II.
_______________________________________

[] About 40% of cats in the US are obese. (Associated Press 1/12)

What do they expect when their only exercise is shredding the occasional couch?
_______________________________________

[] A National Intelligence Agency report warns that the Hesbollah is gaining on Al Qaeda as a national threat. (USA Today 1/12)

Both, however, still trail Christian Fundamentalism by a wide margin.
_______________________________________

[] Air Force staff sergeant Michelle Manhart faces a court martial for appearing nude in Playboy Magazine. (USA Today 1/12)

Remove your clothes in today's military and they'd better be blood-soaked.
_______________________________________

[] Customs and Immigration officers have doubled their seizures of counterfeit designer goods coming in from abroad. (USA Today 1/12)

Thanks in large part to their synchronized, super-accurate Tag-Heuer knock-offs from Beijing.
_______________________________________

[] The Democrats have chosen Denver as the site of their 2008 presidential nominating convention. (USA Today 1/12)

Preparations are already underway to secure an adequate supply of hotel rooms, rental cars and hookers.
_______________________________________

[] The Los Angeles Dodgers will offer all-you-can-eat bleacher tickets for $30. (Associated Press 1/14)

Which has to be the biggest culinery news from the ballpark since Tommy Lasorda installed that salad bar in the bull pen. _______________________________________

[] Pepsi will unveil 35 new container designs to appeal to the youth market. (USA Today 1/15)

Including printed directions for the short attention spanners like "Open This End."
_______________________________________

[] Gerald Ford ranked Clinton "an average president, overall... " (Associated Press 1/13)

And if there was ever an expert on "average"...
_______________________________________

"As you know, we don't have relationships with Iran. I mean... that's ever since the late 70's, we have no contacts with them, and we've totally sanctioned them... You can't... we're out of sanctions."

George W. Bush on 8/9/04 Annandale, Va.
_______________________________________

[] The FAA may raise the commercial pilots retirement age to 65. (USA Today 1/10)

But the aging jet jockies will be restricted to "early bird" flights, cleared to land only at "easy" airports and be allowed "first-in-line" use of the restroom closest to the cockpit.
_______________________________________

[] Chicago's "Loopa-topia," an all night celebration of the city's urban renewal, will take place in May. (USA Today 1/15)

But don't confuse it with "Driveby-topia" which honors their skyrocketing firearm death toll.
_______________________________________

[] California has chosen a name for its earthquake awareness program: "Shift Happens: Secure Your Own Space." (USA Today 1/10)

It barely edged out "Being Buried Alive is a Bummer: Run Like Hell!"
_______________________________________

[] Kobe Bryant's jersey is back in the top spot as the NBA fans' favorite. (USA Today 1/11)

It's almost as popular as Mrs. Bryant's t-shirt that says "All I Got Was This Lousy Diamond Ring."
_______________________________________

[] Dracula's Transylvania castle is up for sale. (USA Today 1/11)

It may be acquired by the IRS and converted into a training facility.
_______________________________________

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

George W. Bush on 10/18/00 in LaCrosse, Wisconsin
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C I N E M A - V E R I T I E S

"Little Miss Sunshine"

Semi-biographical documentary that examines, through interviews, clips and court reenactments, the life and career of Katie Couric.

"Blood Diamond"

Psychological thriller in which the camera tracks a down and out Triple A reliever bent on satisfying a delusional obsession to knock off the entire Cleveland bull pen one hurler at a time.

"The Queen"

This Robert Altmanesque look at a day in the life of Mr. Blackwell fondly recalls the halcyon days of "The Hollywood Squares" with rare clips of Waylon Flowers & Madam sparring comedically with Paul Lynde.

"The Good Shepherd"

This sequel to "Brokeback Mountain" features a Turkistanian sheepherder who, after being discovered having an affair with a member of his flock, must struggle to avoid being replaced by a "good shepherd" who is able to keep his tunic zippered while on duty.

"Babel"

A backstage parody of "The View" with Oscar-worthy performances by Meryl Streep as Barbara Walters and Sasha Baron Cohen as Rosie O'Donnell.
_______________________________________

Monday, January 8, 2007: Regrets Only...

[] Army apologizes for sending letters asking wounded and dead soldiers to reenlist. (Associated Press 1/6)

How would you like to be needlessly sacrificed at the altar of that incompetent nitwit twice?
_______________________________________

[] Rehnquist was addicted to the now-banned sedative Placidil and often hallucinated, newly released medical records show. (ABC News 1/6)

Which solves the mystery of why his colleagues often referred to him as "Rush."
_______________________________________

[] Bush replaces Casey and Abazaid with officers more sympathetic to his "surge" plan. (Cable News Network 1/5)

Family insiders admit that even Laura rejected his "surge" plan when he attempted one during his honeymoon.
_______________________________________

[] "The enemy is reacting the way we expected them to and that will ultimately lead us to triumph," said Lt. Col. Andrew Pappas in Fontimiya, Iraq. (Los Angeles Times 1/6)

Andy commands the storied 101st Wishful Thinking Reconnaissance Battalion, 37th In Your Dreams Brigade, 13th Land of Oz Regiment, Pie in the Sky Company.
_______________________________________

"But Iraq has... have got people there that are willing to kill, and they're hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future."

George W. Bush on 4/28/05 in Washington D.C.
_______________________________________

[] A Polish Catholic archbishop resigned after being exposed as having worked undercover for the Communist regime. (USA Today 1/8)

In defense of His Eminence, he only fingered pinko Lutherans.
_______________________________________

[] A new website (elpasotimes.com) allows users to report illegal immigrants crossing the US-Mexican border. (USA Today 1/8)

It was modeled after surveillance cameras in the parking lot of Home Depot.
_______________________________________

[] Prince William reports for duty with the Blues & Royals Regiment of the Household Cavalry stationed at Cambermere Barracks. (USA Today 1/8)

He'll be working as chum for the 67th Paparazzi Search & Destroy Regiment.
_______________________________________

[] HBO boxing commentator Jim Lampley was charged with felony domestic violence following an altercation with his girlfriend, former Miss California, Candice Sanders. (Los Angeles Times 1/6)

According to eye witnesses, when the fight was stopped ,Candi was ahead on points.
_______________________________________

"The Legislature's job is to write law. It's the Executive Branch's job to interpret law."

George W. Bush on 11/22/00 in Austin, TX
_______________________________________

Friday, January 5, 2007: Pearl Harbor and Heroshima Notwithstanding

"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times."

George W. Bush during a visit to Tokyo in February, 2002
_______________________________________

[] George Bush Senior underwent hip replacement surgery at the Mayo Clinic. (USA Today 1/5)

The one weakened from all those years of being joined to Saudi sheiks.
_______________________________________

[] Harriet Miers, Bush's rejected Supreme Court choice, has resigned her post as White House Counsel. (USA Today 1/5)

She'll take a position in the Washington law firm of "Hacks, Duds & Losers" that specializes in representing unsuccessful Oscar nominees.
_______________________________________

[] Still mending after braking his leg skiing, Arnold Schwarzenegger will be sworn in on crutches. (USA Today 1/5)

Last night, he rolled over in bed and thought he felt a bone sticking out, but it was just Maria.
_______________________________________

[] The Catholic Diocese of Spokane, WA has agreed to pay $48 million to victims of priest sex abuse. (USA Today 1/5)

Which explains why the baby Jesus in their nativity scene this year was lying in a bed of shredded subpoenas.
_______________________________________

[] Forty-five cowboys are scheduled to compete in the Professional Bull Riders season opener in Madison Square Garden. (USA Today 1/5)

The theme this year is "Remembering Brokeback Mountain."
_______________________________________

[] Suicide among members of the California Hiway Patrol is five times the national average. (USA Today 1/5)

Due, experts believe, to their inability to meet the standards set by Eric Estrada.
_______________________________________

[] The FTC is threatening to fine weight loss firms for making clinically unproven claims. (Associated Press 1/5)

Like saying that people can lose weight taking pills or that Kirsty Alley can act.
_______________________________________

[] Spirit Airlines is offering round trip tickets for as low as 5 cents each way. (USA Today 1/5)

Some restrictions apply... like you have to provide your own aluminum lawn chair to sit on.
_______________________________________

[] Consumer Reports found that most infant car seats performed "disastrously" in crash tests. Only the "Flex-Loc" from Baby Trends and Graco's "SnugRide" passed. (USA Today 1/5)

The worst performer was the "Are We There Yet?" tiedown from Scampering Rugrats.
_______________________________________

[] Lindsay Lohan entered a Los Angeles hospital for an appendectomy. (Associated Press 1/5)

She demanded that her operating room be supplied with a deli platter, fresh fruit and a case of Evian.
_______________________________________

[] Celine Dione will close her four-year run at Caesar's Palace on December 15. (Associated Press 1/5)

She'll take some time off before starting work on her new album "Why the Long Face?"
_______________________________________

[] Neighbors of Charlton Heston have sued him for allowing a mud slide to damage their Mulholland Drive homes below his. (Associated Press 1/5)

Worse, they say, he kept trying to part it.
_______________________________________

[] A honeymooning bride has accepted a $1 million offer from Royal Caribbean for losing her husband during a cruise. (Associated Press 1/5)

Better still, they've agreed to waive his outstanding gratuity charges.
_______________________________________

"In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences."

George W. Bush on "Meet the Press" 2/8/04
_______________________________________

Thursday, January 4, 2007: Abu Dabba Honeymoon

[] US military officials: "We would have handled the execution differently." (ABC News 1/3)

Yeah, their version would have included a waterboard... genital jumper cables... sheets with eye holes... a nude pyramid... a ravenous German Shepard... a hillbilly woman dressed as a soldier...
_______________________________________

[] Home Depot CEO Robert Nardelli is ousted after stock plummets. (ABC News 1/3)

Along with having to accept a $60 million severance buyout, they stripped Bob of his orange apron.
_______________________________________

[] Coca-Cola's new "Enviga" claims to cut calories with green tea. (ABC News 1/31)

So effectively, say company execs, the can gets thinner as you drink it.
_______________________________________

[] Barbara defends O'Donnell: "Rosie has brought a new vitality to 'The View'." (Cable News Network 1/3)

Not as much as Danny DeVito, but a lot.
_______________________________________

[] Negroponte to step down as security chief, accepts post as Undersecretary of State. (Cable News Network 1/3)

At last... a guy willing to spend some time under Condi.
_______________________________________

[] Steven Spielberg, Harrison Ford and George Lucas have signed on to David Koepp's script for a fourth "Indiana Jones" movie. (Los Angeles Times 1/3)

His plot in a nutshell: Indiana, now 64 and arthritic, is working as a curator at the Hollywood Wax Museum. One day, while performing routine maintenance on Jennifer Lopez, he discovers an uncut diamond imbedded in her left buttock. Recognizing it immediately as the very stone that he had hidden in a rye bread during the Blitz when the Nazis threatened to expose his inordinate interest in Scientology, he sets off on a quest to return the gem to its rightful owner, Pope Valvoline VI, defrocked for tax irregularities and now a part time organ grinder at Euro-Disney dressed in the colorful papal garb that he was allowed to keep but failed to declare. Indie manages to locate the aging ex-pontiff but not before being castrated by Sean Connery during a seance arranged by the Duke of Marlboro. That's pretty much it, but the producers express high expectations that the extensive special effects will save both the film and Harrison Ford's career.
________________________________________

Tuesday, January 2, 2007: Loose Noose Nooze

[] Smuggled cell phone video shows Saddam's final moments. (USA Today 1/2)

Taken by a spy from Gentlemens Quarterly who reported the executee wore black gaberdine slacks and tasseled patent leather loafers from After Six and a summer weight polo shirt from Izod set off by a custom designed eight-spiral noose from "Omar's Hemp World" in Baghdad.
_______________________________________

[] The FBI reports that interrogators at Guantanamo dress as Catholic priests and perform mock baptisms on Muslim detainees. (USA Today 1/3)

Worse, they force them to play Bingo while facing Mecca.
_______________________________________

[] Pat Robertson claims that God told him there will be "mass killings" by terrorists in late 2007. (USA Today 1/3)

Preventable only if everyone sends him $5000 in unmarked bills.
_______________________________________

[] The US-Mexico border fence will cost ten times the original estimate. (USA Today 12/30)

Seems the GOP overlooked the cost of retraining all those Mexican stoop laborers.
_______________________________________

[] Wisconsin is one of only two states that ban the carrying of a concealed weapon. (USA Today 1/3)

In Green Bay, they aren't even allowed to carry a concealed cheese.
_______________________________________

"That's a chapter... the last chapter of the 20th... 20th... the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century... this is the first chapter of the 21st century."

George W. Bush on 10/24/00 in Arlington Heights, Ill.
_______________________________________

[] The German based Smokers International Airways offers caviar, designer-clothed flight attendants and ashtrays at every seat. (USA Today 12/29)

And don't forget the complimentary chemo and radiation.
_______________________________________

[] Manchester, New Hampshire school busses will install video cameras in all their busses. (USA Today 12/29)

That's nothing. In Hollywood the school busses carry a cameraman, three gaffers and a second unit director.
_______________________________________

[] India's chess champion Umakant Sharma was banned from the game after officials discovered a Bluetooth transmitter sewn into his cap. (USA Today 12/29)

Worse, he was using corked bishops.
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Hey, you're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:

www.hope-writer.blogspot.com
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[] Chrysler has partnered with China to produce small cars. (Associated Press 12/30)

Their first model will ba a won ton pickup.
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[] Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, blames the chaos in Iraq on US "shortsightedness and ignorance." (Associated Press 12/24)

When Bush learned of this, he reportedly told an aide "I didn't even like him on Laugh-In."
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"It's important for us to experience to our notion that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in... you know... the dark dungeons of the internet."

George W. Bush on 10/24/00 in Arlington Heights, Ill.
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