(Formerly Bereft-on-the-Left)

FRESHMAN ORIENTATION

Last week, Barack and Michelle Obama, after much soul searching, hand wringing, and several visits to an astrologer, decided to enroll their daughters Malia and Sasha in Washington's ultra-tony Sidwell Friends School. The institution has an interesting history, beginning with its founding by Jeremiah Sidwell in 1797. The family's name was actually "Sitwell" and they made their fortune selling cut-rate latrine seats to the British during the Revolutionary War. The school was shut down for a brief period in the mid-1800s after the Head Master ran off to marry a groundhog. The marriage was quickly annulled after it was learned that the groundhog was already married (they mate for life.). The upscale prep school was known as simply "Sidwell" until 1997 when the cast of "Friends" donated their old sets to the Drama Department. Many time-honored traditions are observed at Sidwell Friends including the assignment to each student a combination locker and safety deposit box. The school boasts a cafeteria sommalier and full-time concierge. Report cards are rated by Standard and Poors and students engaged in science projects are allowed to consult scientists at NASA and the Goddard Space Center.

In modern times, Chelsea Clinton attended Sidwell Friends after Bill vetted her teachers, requiring them to submit to week-long sleep-overs at the White House. However, the Bush twins did not attend the school. George and Laura decided to try home-schooling, but Jenna and Barb gave it up after George refused to complete his homework assignments. But the school is probably best known for their ground-breaking appeal to minority youths through their popular "Midnight Polo" athletic program.
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
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(866) 732-3585
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LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!

Following the failure of ongoing negotiations with the major film studios, members of the Screen Actors Guild are expected to vote this week to authorize a strike. This comes as no surprise to Hollywood insiders as LA Times theater critic Kenneth Turan recently characterized the talks as "wooden, uninspired and poorly lit." Sticking points seem to surround the calculation of residuals, actors' share of DVD profits, and custody of children conceived on the picket line -- preparations for which are already underway. While painting a picket sign, one ham actor from a canceled TV sitcom was overheard to say, "Who writes this crap?" While Brad Pitt supports the strike, he won't actually walk the picket line and has been auditioning suitable stand-ins. Never one to overlook a promotional opportunity, Sean Penn plans to picket dressed and made up as Harvey Milk. Leonardo DiCaprio will walk the line but won't be carrying a sign. Instead, he hopes to carry Kate Winslet. For the first time in its history, SAG will attempt to recover some of the strike costs by allowing product placements. Well-known has-beens will march in a special picket line around several Century City high-rises, erected on the sites of famous 20th Century-Fox movie sets. Joan and Melinda Rivers will report picket line fashion for E! Entertainment Television. Their show will be dedicated to the memory of Mr. Blackwell. The traditional star-studded wrap party, already in the planning stages, will take place at Spago.
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[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
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HOUSE CALLS

Dr. Jay Katz, recognized as the nation's leading authority on medical ethics, has died in New Haven, Connecticut at age 86. Dr. Katz first became interested in medicine at the age of seven after being given a "Mr. Doctor" play set by Tyco for Christmas. He immediately attempted several unsuccessful amputations on his younger brother, Irving "Stumpy" Katz, now a successful dance instructor at Arthur Murray. Undeterred, Dr. Katz perfected an improved scalpel for cardiac surgeons by practicing on artichoke hearts. After being awarded his medical degree by correspondence from Johnson & Johnson, Dr. Katz was instrumental in spearheading laws in several states outlawing waiting room magazines dated prior to the birth of Christ. He went on to popularize the now-standard doctor's admonition "Keep on doing what you've been doing" and perfected a full body cast to help perfectly healthy patients get a seat on a crowded bus. Most recently, he invented the I-Pod stethoscope which is still undergoing tests at Cedars Sinai. Dr. Katz was known to advise patients to save medical costs by requesting chest x-rays while checking their luggage at the airport. In 1954, he was briefly disciplined by the Connecticut Medical Board after investigators discovered he was recycling tongue-depressors and lining his examination table with blood-stained butcher paper he purchased from a friend at the A&P. Services are pending.
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[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's "Radio Talking Book Network."
www.larrs.org
Click on MP3
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RANGE WARS

Some things in life are difficult, but look easy, while other things look easy but are actually hard. I've always wanted to make something hard look easy and came close once, only to be interrupted by a giant carp... As a kid growing up, I always preferred Red Ryder over the Lone Ranger, despite the fact that Red spent a suspiciously inordinate amount of time with a minor that he wasn't, as far as I could see, related to. "Little Beaver," more familiar with English tense and syntax, seemed more intelligent than "Tonto" whom I always suspected of having alcohol issues. Besides, the manufacture of bullets seemed, even to my young mind, a terrible waste of silver... This past week, an old friend, Buster Slime, Jr., showed up out of nowhere. We hadn't seen each other since serving together in the Salvation Army. Somehow, we survived boot camp (enjoyed it, actually) but washed out while on our first duty assignments. Buster was found guilty of assaulting a donut while serving in a rescue unit and I lost my epaulets after the C.O. (a rather nasty lieutenant colonel who spoke with a pronounced lisp) noticed that I was wearing my uniform inside out. So we decided, Buster and I, to start a business together in the service industry. We hired ourselves out as absentee voters for convicted felons, dissolving our partnership only after Buster landed a job with more upward mobility demonstrating fly rods at Sears-Roebuck.
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Please pass this debut issue of "THE CRUSADING BLOGTOLOGIST" on to a friend. The doctor will be most grateful since his goal is to reach every person on earth.
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Contents Copyright (c) 2008 by Robert L. Mills. Portions may be quoted if attributed to "THE CRUSADING BLOGTOLOGIST" and linked to www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com.
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Webmasters: Inquiries regarding link swapping are welcomed by Dr. Digit.

This is the final issue of "Bereft-on-the-Left." Coming soon: Dr. Digit "THE CRUSADING BLOGTOLOGIST." ..

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Barack Hussein Obama has been elected the 44th president of the United States, proving yet again the truth of Abraham Lincoln's oft-quoted admonition: "You can fool most of the people some of the time and some of the people most of the time, but you can't fool people who sometimes aren't fooled and other times... " Oh, sorry, that was SarahPalin.

McCain loyalists who gathered at Arizona's Biltmore Resort & Spa expressed cautious optimism early in the evening, but suddenly became subdued when NBC projected that Obama would win Ohio.Palin scoffed and said, "No need to worry. You can't trust a state that's spelled the same way backwards as forwards."

When returns showed conclusively that his White House bid was lost, McCain called Fox News and said, "I don't see any path to a win." Then he called Obama and congratulated him. ThenPalin called to congratulate Tina Fey.

Actually, Palin had predicted the ticket's ignominious defeat earlier in the day when she flew to Alaska to cast her vote. She announced to reporters that she could see it from her front porch.

Then she excused herself and said she had "a great big pile of magazines and Supreme Court decisions to catch up on. It's back to the trailer park for me!" (Wink.)

In an uncharacteristic gesture of good will toward her opponent, Sarah congratulated Joe Biden and offered him some tips for his new job running the Senate. "So you can help make good, sound, real American policy, you betcha." (Wink.)
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
___________________________________

After a surprisingly sincere concession speech and a call to his rabid followers to cooperate with the economic changes they had fought so hard to defeat, the old warrior withdrew with second wife Cindy to decide which of their 13 homes they would return to.

Suddenly, McCain's supporters became almost civil. Even right-wing talk show diva Ann Coulter called to congratulate Rachael Maddow... and then asked her if she was seeing anyone.

Bill O'Reilly emerged momentarily from his "no spin zone" to call and congratulate Keith Olbermann... and offered to send him a copy of his latest book, "I'm Not Frothing At The Mouth I Just Brushed My Teeth."

Even Bush suddenly felt conciliatory. But before he could call his successor, he had to stand in line to use the hot line. Cheney, Rice,Wolfowitz, Bremmer and Rumsfeld were on a conference call to their lawyers in the Hague discussing a defense for their war crimes trial.

Bremmer was overheard calling the trial a "slam dunk." Wolfowitz predicted that the judges would "welcome them as liberators" and all of them had to administer CPR to Cheney who suddenly started gurgling like he was in his "final death throes."

Cheney had spent the evening on a Secret Service-imposed suicide watch after they caught him rummaging through his medicine chest for a cyanide pill he'd already asked his dentist to embed in one of his molars.
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[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's "Radio Talking Book Network."

www.larrs.org
Click on MP3
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As the returns began to reflect an overwhelming Democratic win, Cheney gathered up his family and assured them that they needn't worry. Then he ordered subordinates to build a bonfire to burn the records.

Exit polls showed that 80% of voters said his choice of Sarah Palin was "a major factor" in McCain's defeat. Another 74% said his brush-off of David Letterman was the clincher.

The same polls showed conclusively that the meteoric rise of "Joe the Plumber" soured many Republicans, one of whom said, "He wasn't licensed and he didn't even smell better."

Following his decisive win, Obama told his staff to be very careful not to allow organized religion to poison the Oval Office as his predecessor had. Then, he added, "While I'm thinking of it, better order a new Koran for my swearing in ceremony. .. and tell my Disciples to lose the sandals."

Rabid Bush supporter and loyal administration ally Liddy Dole was decisively ejected from her Senate seat by Kay Hagen, whose Christian faith she had impugned during her mud-stained, unsuccessful campaign. Before leaving for the unemployment office, she called hubby, Bob, and said "Better renew your contract with Pfizer as official spokesman for Viagra."
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[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
(or click on the "I Got a Goldstar" button in the right hand column)
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And in other news, such as it is...

JERUSALEM (AP) -- Forty thousand people who converted to the Jewish religion have had their conversions annulled by the state-funded Rabbinical High Court which, according to Orthodox Judaism, has the final say over who is, or is not, Jewish. "Nobody checked how many of Israel's 300,000 converts really wanted to be Jews," said Rabbi Eliyahu Ben-Dahan, director of the rabbinical courts. The rabbi confided that among the behaviors that could trigger immediate disqualification were infrequent and/or misuse of the terms "oivai," "farklempt" and "schlep" as well as unfamiliarity with the pharmaceutical benefits of chicken soup.

KUT, IRAQ (AP) -- (Photo Caption) "Iraqi soldiers parade in Wasit Province. The U.S. military handed security responsibilities over in the province, which is the 13th of Iraq's 18 provinces to return to full Iraqi government control. Kut is about 100 miles southeast of Baghdad." Or as much as it as the foreign invaders have left standing.

SUMPTER, SOUTH CAROLINA (AP) -- On Halloween, an ex-convict who thought he was being robbed gunned down a 12-year old trick-or-treater, spraying nearly 30 rounds with an assault rifle from inside his home after hearing a knock on the door. He now faces a charge of first degree murder, or as the National Rifle Association defines it, "reasonable self defense by a home owner."

POSTVILLE, IOWA (AP) -- A federal judge has appointed a temporary receiver for a kosher meatpacking company after a bank accused the company of defaulting on a $35 million loan and writing $1.4 million in bad checks. The company's CEO, SholomRubashkin , has been charged individually with knowingly hiring 400 illegal immigrants to work in the plant. And if all this weren't enough, inspectors discovered that the company's chicken nuggets are actually pigs' feet.

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI (AP) -- Haitians flocked to cemeteries carrying rum, candles and hopes for a better future, kicking off Voodoo's two-day Festival of the Dead. Voodoo, a blend of Christian tenets and African religions fused by slaves, is practiced across the nation. It was sanctioned as an official religion in 2003. After government officials decided it was no more ridiculous than any other religion.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS (AP) -- A study conducted between 2001 and 2004 by the Rand Corporation found that teens 13 to 17 who reported that they watched "Sex and the City," "That '70s Show," and "Friends" regularly were twice as likely to engage in sexual activity that resulted in pregnancy. Most often while their parents were watching "Murder, She Wrote," "LawrenceWelk" and "Regis and Kathy Lee."

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA (AP) -- Records reveal that the National Association of Catholic Bishops contributed a total of $200,000 and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints spent over $2 million to help pass California's Proposition 8 to ban gay marriage. No financial strain for the Mormons, but the Catholics had to dip into their pedophile-priest legal defense fund.

FORT CAMPBELL, KENTUCKY (AP) -- The Army will close down as many as ten of its 36 "Warrior Transition Units," that were set up to treat U.S. troops wounded in action. A study found that admission screening had become so lax, half of the patients being treated there do not have injuries serious enough to qualify. The problem came to light when the Inspector General discovered that Cheney was sending wounded hunting buddies over there for free treatment.

DETROIT, MICHIGAN (AP) -- General Motors has announced that profits are down a whopping 45%. The once-powerful auto-maker ("As G.M. goes, so goes the nation) seems to be sinking like... well, to use their own term... "like a rock."

WINSTON-SALEM, NORTH CAROLINA (AP) -- P.G.A. bad boy John Daly was taken into custody in the parking lot of a Hooter's Restaurant after police found him "extremely intoxicated" and without transportation. "It was a misunderstanding," said the winner of two major tournaments, who went on to explain that he often sleeps with his eyes open when he's tired, stressed or has been drinking. All the while, out of habit, keeping his head down.

ROME, ITALY (AP) For the first time in over 50 years, employees at Vatican City, including the clergy and members of religious orders, will be required to sign in and out when reporting for work. Which immediately prompted a formal protest from their union, the International Association of Theme Park & Fantasy Workers.
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FREE SAMPLE CHAPTER! You can read a chapter from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope's Incredible Gag Writers" due in bookstores and online in December from Bear Manor Media Publishers. Here's what "Laugh In" star GARY OWENS says:

"This is a priceless collection of heretofore unpublished recollections revealing untold secrets and backstage goings-on behind the scenes on the Bob Hope Show. It's a never-before-seen look at the previously-classified inner workings of Bob Hope's well-known comedy assembly line that for generations proved as efficient as any in Detroit."

But don't take Gary's word for it. Take a look for yourself. There's a FREE sample chapter, "HOW NOW, CHAIRMAN MAO," waiting for you to download at: www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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