MONDAY, September 29, 2005

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Firefighter John Morabito told reporters that Sarah Palin was "very personable" during a tour of the 9/11 World Trade Tribute Center. But he did say she looked "disappointed" when told that there is no zero actually printed on the ground.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Supreme Court returns this week and will take up the case of FCC vs. Fox TV to decide whether Cher's use of the F-word at the Billboard Music Awards is protected free speech. In a companion case, they'll also rule on whether her body should be declared a federally protected silicone reserve and made subject to off-shore drilling.

OMAHA, NEBRASKA -- A new "safe haven" law allows parents to drop kids at licensed hospitals between five and nine PM on Wednesdays "no questions asked." Since last Wednesday, Lindsay Lohan is wondering how in hell she'll find work in Nebraska.

WASHINGTON, D. C. -- The Pentagon has fired 17 Air Force and Army officers -- eight generals and nine colonels -- for allowing nuclear warheads to be flown to Taiwan. Not to worry, though. Six of the khaki-clad pinheads have already landed jobs at Fox News as ersatz "Middle East military experts."

LONDON, ENGLAND -- Archeologists have uncovered evidence that Stonehenge was once an ancient shrine to which the faithful flocked for cures of various physical ailments. Such use appears to have ceased after rights to the cures were sold to Pope Disneronimous XII for his new tourist attraction -- Lourdes.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- JP Morgan Chase & Company has purchased Washington Mutual National Bank, known as Wa-Mu -- which Morgan officials plan to change to "F-U."

KANAWHA COUNTY, WEST VIRGINIA -- Jose Cruz, 34, was charged with battery after he farted and wafted the resulting flatulence toward patrolman T. E. Parsons while being booked on a charge of DUI. At trial, the case was dismissed after Jose's lawyer raised the seldom-used "Blazing Saddles" defense.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"It seemed to me they based some of their decisions on the word of -- and the allegations -- by people who were held in detention, people who hate America, people that had been trained in some instances to disassemble -- that means not to tell the truth."

George W. Bush 5/31/2005 Washington, DC

Idiotic quotes courtesy of: www.sourcebooks.com
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CONWAY, NEW HAMPSHIRE -- City officials are considering a proposal to provide a "warming station" this winter for people unable to afford heating oil. Warming station? Weren't those once called "brothels"?

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- VH-1 has named "Fight The Power" by Public Enemy the best hip-hop song of all time. It only barely nudged out "Public Enema Number One" by Syphilitic Dwarf.

DES MOINES, IOWA -- The state supreme court will allow former Iowa hoop standout Pierre Pierce to play pro basketball in France despite his conviction of burglary, false imprisonment, assault with intent to commit sexual abuse and trespass. Pierre has been signed by the league-leading Bastille Ruffians.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Earlier this week, Sarah Palin met with Henry Kissinger who briefed her on the intricacies of the Cold War. She briefed him on how to field dress a moose for cold storage.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The US Mint has unveiled designs for four new pennies to commemorate the 200th birthday of Abraham Lincoln. A slight departure from their usual patriotic themes, the coins will depict scenes of Abe, as though he were a guest, interacting with the cast of "Desperate Housewives."

SALEM, OREGON -- Officials in Marion County are considering a proposal to recycle bread, dairy products and meat. As though school lunches weren't bad enough already.

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA -- The 32nd annual "Fall Tours of Homes and Gardens" celebrating Charleston's 18th-century architecture opened this past Thursday. For the first time in its history, the tours include homes in various stages of foreclosure and visitors can bid on them.

ATLANTIC CITY, NEW JERSEY -- New York lawyer Arelia Tavaras, an admitted gambling addict, sued seven casinos, claiming she lost over $1 million during gambling sprees they should have stopped. But she weakened her argument by claiming she also became addicted to Jerry Vale.
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NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Sarah Palin stopped by the United Nations building this week and met several world leaders including Afghanistan's Hamid Karzai and the president of Georgia. She would have met more, but she'll only meet with leaders from countries she can see from her front porch.

BEIJING, CHINA -- China launched its third manned space flight with three "Taikonauts" aboard Shenzhou 7. During the mission, tests were performed to determine if there is uncontaminated milk on Mars.

GLASGOW, DELAWARE -- A Girl Scout troop leader has been charged with embezzling $3000 collected during the recent cookie sale. The successful sting was carried out by several "undercover" scouts, daughters of cops, who were able to plant a listening device in a box of peanut clusters.

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS -- Boston University School of Medicine will study donated brains from sixteen athletes, including six former NFL players, to determine the long term effects of concussions. Any leftover samples from the NFL stars will be used to study the effects of long term cocaine and alcohol abuse.

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA -- Nicole Kidman claims that swimming in Australian Outback "fertility waters" somehow contributed to her unexpected pregnancy. And all during her marriage to Tom Cruise, we thought TOM was the screwball.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Following a long search, German conductor Christoph Eschenbach has been named director of the National Symphony. But he was offered the post only after attempts by Paul Shaeffer to get out of his contract with Dave failed.

CAIRO, EGYPT -- Archeologists have uncovered a 3000-year old, 30-inch high, red granite head of the 19th Dynasty pharaoh, Ramses II -- part of a larger statue that was dedicated to the Cat Goddess, Bastet -- often confused by Egyptologists with the Dog Goddess, Leona Helmsley.

QUEBEC, CANADA -- At 4.28 billion years, the oldest bedrock on earth was recently discovered by scientists from McGill University on the eastern bank of Hudson Bay. The second, third and fourth-oldest bedrocks are generally believed to be owned by John McCain.
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[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
10/2 Review of "True Blood"
10/7 Larry David Interviewed by David Steinberg
10/14 Review of "The Doctors"
10/21 Review of "Little Britain"

www.larrs.org
password: independence
__________________________________________________________

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA -- Mathematicians at UCLA have won a $100,000 prize for discovering a Mersenne prime number (divisible by only itself and 1) -- that has 13,000,000,000 digits. It was discovered inadvertently while scientists were attempting to estimate the ultimate cost of the war in Iraq.

KING OF PRUSSIA, PENNSYLVANIA -- Four store detectives employed at the local Nordstrom's have been indicted for shoplifting. And they'd have pulled it off, too, if the lobby pianist hadn't thought his G string was flat, checked, and discovered sixteen assorted packs of Cross-Your-Heart bras stuffed in his Steinway.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS -- Officials at Wal Mart have announced that, starting in 2009, they will phase out plastic shopping bags. They have no plans, however, to phase out the plastic smiles on the $6-per-hour retirees employed as greeters.

CALCUTTA, INDIA -- According to the latest census figures, of India's 1.1 billion people -- 5,000 of whom claim they're Jewish -- only 35 Jews live in Calcutta -- the fate of any city with only one Chinese restaurant.

HAMPTON, VIRGINIA -- More than $500 million will be needed to restore Fort Monroe, recently abandoned by the Army. The historic seaport fort was named after Marilyn Monroe in appreciation of her efforts to secure the commanding general a job as Clark Gable's stunt double in "The Misfits."

PASSAIC, NEW JERSEY -- PureCart Systems, Inc. now provides supermarkets with a high-tech cleaning machine that sprays a mist of peroxide solution on shopping carts after each use. Customers can choose the regular line for routine decontamination or the express line for 10 deadly staphylococci or fewer.

LONDON, ENGLAND -- Organizers of the 2012 Olympics have assured Muslim participants that they will not have to face Mecca while using restroom facilities provided for the Games. Toilets will be mounted on a lazy Susan so athletes can dial their defecation direction according to their individual religious beliefs.
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[] [] [] Bob's book, THE LAUGH MAKERS, which recalls his two decades on the road with Bob Hope, will be available soon from Bear Manor Media. It's a delightful, side-splitting journey back to the sketch comedy of television's Golden Age -- a long-ago era of variety, song and dance, brilliant patter and a seemingly endless parade of laughs sprung from the genius of "gag men," that talented gang of wit-blessed wordsmiths to whom the book pays well-deserved homage. Jam-packed with stories, anecdotes and unretouched photos, THE LAUGH MAKERS recalls the often-hilarious, sometimes heartwarming and always touching tales of the legendary stars who guested on The Bob Hope Show. Watch for the publication date on www.bearmanormedia.com and be sure to secure your copy early.
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MIDDLETON, CONNECTICUT -- Thirty students at Middleton High were suspended after authorities raided a "breakfast barbecue" being hosted by the senior class in the school's parking lot. When police arrived, students had their school mascot, "Porky," lashed to a spit but hadn't yet fired up the Charm-Glo.

PHOENIX, ARIZONA -- McCain recently admitted to an interviewer that he owns thirteen cars. He admitted that, at any given time, eight of them have their left turn signals stuck on "On."

LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY -- Dr. John Patterson and the Commonwealth Eurology Clinic have been sued by Phillip Seaton, 61, for wrongful removal of his penis during surgery to reduce inflammation. Criminally, Dr. Patterson faces charges of malpractice, gross negilgence and impersonating a rabbi.

KEY WEST, FLORIDA -- State animal welfare authorities have allowed the Ernest Hemmingway Home and Museum to keep the fifty or so 6-toed cats, descendents of Papa's favorite "Snowball," that roam the grounds. On the condition that the curator install an industrial-strength scratching post.

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS -- Three middle school science and mathematics teachers fired for their inability to speak English have been reenstated by the state appeals court. The three, fluent in math, elatedly described the decision as "3x=6-2.09y+1/4!"

DETROIT, MICHIGAN -- The Michigan State Police have closed the Detroit Crime Lab after an investigation revealed that 10% of their cases resulted in erroneous convictions. Investigators found they had routinely used powdered donuts to dust for latent fingerprints and often misplaced the weapons planted by cops to insure convictions.

BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA -- Ed McMahon, 86, has been hired by FreeCreditRep.com to tape a series of commercials while reciting rap lyrics. They provided Ed, now working as "L'il Alpo," with a week's training by P. Diddy and a 14-caret gold front tooth.
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MONDAY, September 22, 2008

BRISTOL, RHODE ISLAND -- The new director of the Rhode Island Veterans home is Gen. Rick Baccus, former head of the Guantanamo Detention Camp. No one knows what he's doing in there, but so far, six veterans have admitted planning 9/11.

DAYTONA, FLORIDA -- A 32-year old man wading in the surf has become the 22nd shark bite victim in Volusia County this year. Lifeguards say the vacationing lawyer can thank "professional courtesy" for suffering only a nip on his heel.

BAGHDAD, IRAQ -- Petreas transfers command of US forces in Iraq to Odierno... which is a contraction of the ancient Spanish battle cry "This war stinks to high heaven, but as long as we're already here... "

FAIRBANKS, ALASKA -- A minor riot broke out in the stands during a football game between crosstown rivals Lathrop High and West Valley High. Governor Palin declared the stands a disaster area and blamed outside agitators from nearby Russia.

BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA -- The Sixteenth Baptist Church tolled its bells on the 45th anniversary of the killing of four black girls by the Ku Klux Klan. The Klan celebrated the event with a barbecue followed by their annual "Skeets 'N' Sheets" shotgun tournament.

MIAMI BEACH, FLORIDA -- City fathers here are considering a proposal to impose a $250 fee for couples using Dade County beaches as a wedding site. The fee would include free use of medical waste for guests to
throw instead of rice.

HELENA, MONTANA -- Police will attempt to kill 50 deer to reduce their ever-increasing urban population. Alaska's Governor Palin has offered to dress the carcasses since deer and moose are, as she put it, "pretty darned similar."

BARNSTEAD, NEW HAMPSHIRE -- Two girl scouts were injured when cooking fuel spattered on them during a camp out with boy scouts at Camp Fatima. Looks like it's back to the ol' manual. No one was ever injured rubbing two sticks together.

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA -- The state will conduct its first alligator hunt in 20 years with 1000 licensed hunters. Divided into three groups -- Group I: Wallets, Group II: Belts and Group III: Shoes.

ROME, ITALY -- A spokesman for Pope Benedict XVI announced he will not apologize for his church's condemnation of Charles Darwin following publication of "Origin of Species" 150 years ago next March. And rightly so. If the pope had to apologize for erroneous Catholic teachings, he'd scarcely have time left to oppose abortion following rape, excommunicate politicians he doesn't agree with and pardon his priest pedophiles.
___________________________________________________________
[] [] [] Bob's book, THE LAUGH MAKERS, which recalls his two decades on the road with Bob Hope, will be available soon from Bear Manor Media. It's a delightful, side-splitting journey back to the sketch comedy of television's Golden Age -- a long-ago era of variety, song and dance, brilliant patter and a seemingly endless parade of laughs sprung from the genius of "gag men," that talented gang of wit-blessed wordsmiths to whom the book pays well-deserved homage. Jam-packed with stories, anecdotes and unretouched photos, THE LAUGH MAKERS recalls the often-hilarious, sometimes heartwarming and always touching tales of the legendary stars who guested on The Bob Hope Show. Watch for th publication date on www.bearmanormedia.com and be sure to secure your copy early.
___________________________________________________________

CHATTANOOGA, TENNESSEE -- Traces of thirteen drugs including antibiotics and anti-depressants have been detected in water samples taken from the Tennessee River. Which explains why the trout caught there seem so healthy and well-adjusted lately.

BIG STONE GAP, VIRGINIA -- The new inductee into the Southwest Virginia Walk of Fame is Daniel Boone, to mark his historic impact on frontier development. Last year's honoree was Pat Boone for putting Virginia's White Bucks County on the map.

MADISON, WISCONSIN -- Campus police at the University of Wisconsin are planting GPS devices on "bait" bikes to catch bicycle thieves. So far,"Operation Lance Armstrong" has snagged twelve hard-core Schwinn snatchers.

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA -- State officials have confirmed rumors that Sarah Palin had a tanning bed installed in the governor's mansion. Aides quickly explained that the bed was used to make elk jerky, a favorite among state house staffers.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Pentagon has ordered more 20-foot long bombs that can deliver two tons of explosives deep into the earth. Probably too much to hope that they'll conduct tests of the "Bunker Busters" on Cheney's.

TUCSON, ARIZONA -- The University of Arizona has scrapped its slogan "Arizona's First University" in favor of ""Arizona's World-Class University." Which barely edged out "Don't look at us -- we didn't encourage him to run!"

ORLANDO, FLORIDA -- As many as 200 homes built over an abandoned military gunnery range near the Orlando International Airport may be sitting on unexploded ordinance left behind by the Army. The threatened developments include "Del Webb's Hand Grenade Estates," "Smith & Wesson Meadows," and Donald Trump's "Run For Cover Retirement Condos."

REDDING, CALIFORNIA -- The California National has successfully located and destroyed a record 410,000 marijuana plants which they refer to as "weapons of mass hallucination."

NEW BRITAIN, CONNECTICUT -- Andrew Glover, 60, has sued the police department for ripping out his catheter during his arrest on child pornography charges. Turns out one of the vice officers was previously a male nurse at Kaiser.

SALINA, KANSAS -- A county health inspector closed down the annual Hispanic Heritage Celebration when he discovered the Mexican caterer had provided wooden tables. Seems an obscure 1898 ordinance prohibits anyone but a caucasian to picnic.

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA -- The Minnesota Twins' new ball park will be called "Target Field" under terms of a 25-year contract with the retailer. The competitive bidding could have resulted in "Bed Bath & Beyond Field," "99-Cent Store Field," or "Ross Dress For Less Field."
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better."

George W. Bush 9/24/2001 Montreal, Canada
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WASHINGTON, D.C. -- When Michael Haden, head of the CIA, was asked by reporters why his agency has been unable to catch Osama bin Laden, he said, "Because he's hiding." You get the feeling it probably wouldn't make any difference even if he weren't?

LONDON, ENGLAND -- British artist Damien Hirst, whose works celebrating death and decay include a pickled shark and an embalmed calf, collected a record $198 million at a Sotheby's auction. The 200 works didn't include his most famous piece, a mobile made of Ted Williams' frozen head and body parts once attached to Allister Cooke.

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY -- The New Jersey Hall of Fame will install its second group of inductees that includes Jack Nicholson, Bon Jovi and F. Scott Fitzgerald. It's New Jersey's highest honor -- second only to not being on the list.

SYRACUSE, NEW YORK -- Sculptor Bruno Lucchesi will correct anachronistic errors on his statue of 1961's Heisman Trophy winner Ernie Davis, who's sporting a modern face mask and a Nike logo. Careless, but not as bad as his statue of O.J. on the front lawn of U.S.C. wearing Bruno Magli cleats.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Last week, gold prices made the biggest one-day gain in history. According to his agent, Mr. T was offered three parts he didn't even audition for.

GRAND ISLAND, NEBRASKA -- Under terms of a union settlement, the Swift Meat Packing plant will allow Muslim workers a 30-minute break atsundown during Ramadan. Catholics will be allowed a 30-minute bereavement break each time another priest pedophile arrest is announced.

HELENA, MONTANA -- Responding to complaints, the trustees of the Clara Library will rule on whether "The Joy of Gay Sex" should be removed fromthe shelves. In the meantime, a sign over the check-out desk will read: "You Don't Ask, We Won't Tell."

CHARLESTON, WEST VIRGINIA -- A special panel of women veterans settled a controversy over a proposed statue honoring them by ruling that it's not too masculine. The largely symbolic work depicts six of them planting an American flag on Rosie O'Donnell.
___________________________________________________________
[] [] [] Tune in to Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
Upcoming schedule:
9/25 New fall TV season
10/2 Review of "True Blood"
10/7 Larry David Interviewed by David Steinberg
10/14 Review of "The Doctors"
10/21 Review of "Little Britain"

www.larrs.org
password: independence
__________________________________________________________

MARYSVILLE, TENNESSEE -- Officials at Smoky Mountain National Park say they'll eliminate a certain number of female feral pigs, but will never eliminate them completely. Not as long as they're allowed to wear lipstick, anyway.

TWIN MOUNTAIN, NEW HAMPSHIRE -- The state of New Hampshire averages 230
moose-automobile collisions a year. Almost twice that of Elks, Lions and Knights of Columbus combined.

OREM, UTAH -- Former Mormon Bruce Bastian, co-founder of WordPerfect, donated $1 million to oppose the Mormon-supported bill to overturn California's gay-marriage law. In all fairness to the LDSers, they also oppose gay polygamy.

MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA -- Alabama's infant mortality rate rose to 10 per 1000 childbirths last year and health officials intend to find out why. Maybe requiring that it be done indoors would be a step in the right direction.

FAIRBANKS, ALASKA -- A burglar used a chain saw to cut a hole through the wall of a log cabin village store. He told police his ice-sculpture business had dropped off.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The federal government now owns 80% of AIG, the world's largest insurance company. Didn't that used to be called Communism?

NANTES, FRANCE -- A heretofore unknown draft of a melody written by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was found in a library here. On the reverse of the document are lyrics of the ditty entitled "Bonaparte, We've Grown Apart Since You Left For Elba."

ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND -- McCain attended his fiftieth class reunion of 1958 Naval Academy graduates. The guests cocktail partied, dined, danced and then watched Sarah Palin demonstrate field dressing a moose on the deck of the aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Henry Z. Steinway, great grandson of the legendary founder of the piano empire, died at age 93. In accordance with his final wishes, he was buried in a company-made casket with heavy legs, pedals and a bench.

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA -- McCain aides admitted that someone hacked into Sarah Palin's e-mail account, "trailortrash@firstdude.com."

BRAZILIA -- Scientists in the Amazonian rain forest have discovered the remains of a blind, subterranean ant -- three millimeters long and pale -- they believe is the first ant species to evolve on earth. The specimen was perfectly preserved in a deviled brontosaurus egg sandwich left behind by the Flintstones after a picnic.
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SEPTEMBER 15, 2008

SEOUL, NORTH KOREA -- Kim Jong Il, referred to by his followers as "The Dear Leader," has not been seen in public for two months and is rumored to have had a stroke that para -- oh, I'm sorry -- that's McCain.

BEIJING, CHINA -- China's relaxed rules for foreign journalists, enacted for the Olympics, will expire in September. But officials promise that "executions will not be resumed at anywhere near their former levels."

PARIS, FRANCE -- Following a mass staged behind the Eiffel Tower, Pope Benedict XVI told 250,000 followers that the world has become obsessed with wealth and power. Banging the mahogany inlaid-with-ivory pulpit for emphasis, he knocked three diamonds and several rubies off his 13th century platinum scepter.

LOURDES, FRANCE -- The pope then visited the site where Saint Bernadette was rumored to have seen the Blessed Virgin Mary on the wall of a cave. Her latest confirmed siting occurred last February on a fresh Cinnabon in Cleveland.
____________________________________________________________________________

[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 0820 to 0900 PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour New-sradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: independence
____________________________________________________________________________

SURREY, ENGLAND -- A newly-discovered diary kept by English barrister William Bray in 1755 is believed to contain the earliest reference to the game of baseball. The entry concludes "... directly following thee game, both teames gathered for a pint at thee Pig & Syringe in Stratford On Mantleshire."

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA -- An all-white jury has been selected in the trial of O.J. Simpson on kidnapping and robbery charges. But O.J. isn't complaining. One of them is Kato Kaelin.

LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY -- Bed, Bath & Beyond faces criminal charges after a store manager refused to call 911 when a baby was found in a locked car in the parking lot. It's been renamed Bed, Bath & Beyond Belief.

ROMULUS, MICHIGAN -- The L.C. Smith Terminal at Detroit's Municipal Airport, replaced by the new North Terminal, will be rented to TV and film companies for use as an airport set. Its mens room will be seen in Universal's upcoming "The Larry Craig Story."
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"I think war is a dangerous place."

George W. Bush 5/7/03 Washington, DC

Idiotic quotes courtesy of: www.sourcebooks.com
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SYRACUSE, UTAH -- Experts are at a loss to explain the near-record low water level in the Great Salt Lake. Adding to the mystery are several recent samples that contained traces of tequila.

MOORETOWN, VERMONT -- The Mooretown Landfill will begin using methane gas produced by decomposing garbage to generate enough electricity to light 1200 homes. And you thought lighting farts would never have a practical application.

JUNEAU, ALASKA -- City fathers have allocated $55,000 to hire an "avalanche forecaster." He'll replace Gov. Palin's old system of treating avalanches as "part of God's plan."

CLEAR LAKE, INDIANA -- Hanover Central High School has alienated its female students by banning purses in the classroom. School officials got the idea from Hollywood High officials who recently placed a ban on designer purses.

ATHENS, GREECE -- Archeologists have unearthed gold jewelry, weapons and pottery at an ancient burial site dating from 650 to 279 BC. Among the finds were gold necklaces, beads and a bronze bracelet with John McCain's birth date engraved on it.

BANGKOK, THAILAND -- A court removed Thailand's prime minister after discovering he was paid to appear on a TV cooking show. The money alone would have just brought a warning, but he was demonstrating Tex-Mex recipes.

FARMERS BRANCH, TEXAS -- A federal judge ruled that this Dallas suburb can not prohibit illegal immigrants from renting apartments. Moreover, landlords may not refuse to accept first and last month rent payments tendered in pesos.

HONOLULU, HAWAII -- Governor Linda Lingle fired Hawaii's tourism chief after he was discovered using his office computer to send pornographic e-mails. The porn would have garnered him only a warning, but the photos reportedly involved Don Ho, Jack Lord and Hilo Hattie.
____________________________________________

[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

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SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA -- Walgreens has sought an injunction to prevent the city from enforcing its ban on selling tobacco products in drug stores. It's also seeking the court's permission to display sex toys on the shelf beside the Fleet enemas.

MIAMI, FLORIDA -- A Miami-Dade County commissioner objects to a proposal to name a street after baseball's Jose Canseco since he's admitted steroid use. Proponents admit that maybe their plan to use signs shaped like a syringe went too far.

GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN -- Masquerading as her teen daughter, Wendy Brown, 33, enrolled in high school and became a cheerleader before being discovered. Officials became suspicious when she listed a tummy tuck as her senior science project.

TAMPA, FLORIDA -- Circuit Judge Daniel Perry ordered 61 jail inmates scheduled to appear before him back to the jail to "dress properly." Seems some were wearing pants down around their hips and others had jumpsuits with stripes running in the wrong direction.

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA -- The Department of Homeland Security along with the Federal Emergency Management Agency are co-hosting a workshop on "constructing homes that can survive natural disasters." Using materials that repel wind, fire, water and any rescue attempts by FEMA.
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