MONDAY 10/1/07

NO CIGAR... "My Grandfather's Son," the autobiography of Clarence Thomas, is now on sale in bookstores. The American Bar Association has rated Thomas "unqualified to write a book"--- almost the identical rating they gave him during his confirmation hearings.

BLACK KETTLE DEPT... In the book, Thomas describes Anita Hill as "a mediocre employee." And if anyone's an expert on mediocre, this is the guy.

MEA CULPA... The president of Columbia apologized for inviting the president of Iran to speak while the president of Duke University apologized for not supporting the lacrosse players. Could be a trend, but no apology so far from the president of Yale for George W. Bush.

CONSOLATION PRIZE... Bush has promised to veto the child health care bill because it would be funded by increases in the cigarette tax, which would not set well with the Big Tobacco lobby. In his defense, though, he did prevail upon Philip Morris to send each sick kid denied coverage a free carton of Marlboros.
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"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."

George W Bush, 9/23/2002, Trenton, New Jersey
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GALAPAGOS GEORGE... In a speech to delegates at an environmental summit, Bush finally admitted that "global warming exists and mankind has contributed to it." And he told them by next year he hopes to understand that evolution exists and that man is the result of it.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE... McCain says he would "prefer a Christian president," which he calls "an important part of our qualifications to lead." True---into an unwinnable war, record-breaking deficits, chaos following natural disasters, rising crime rates, unprecedented corruption, arrogance, graft, greed...

SORRY, CHARLIE... The pope has issued a document entitled "Dominus Iesus" that decrees that "non-Christians are in a grossly-deficient situation" when it comes to salvation. And apparently when it comes to the Oval Office. Could Benny be getting advice from McCain?

CRANIAL TERMITES... Disease control specialists worldwide are studying the amoeba "Naegleria Fowleri," which is found in warm water and possesses the ability to enter through the mouth, bore into the skull, and feed on the brain. Doctors are concerned, pointing out that it can do in a week what takes television decades to achieve.

AFTER YOU, ALFONSE... The California Bar Association has issued new "Guidelines of Civility and Professionalism" to help lawyers learn to treat one another more humanely. Among the rules of etiquette: "When two or more ambulance chasers arrive at the scene of an accident simultaneously, the one who first presents his card to the disabled victim wins."

FOOTWORK... The Minneapolis airport has installed floor-to-ceiling partitions between the toilets in the mens room---listed in the Home Depot catalogue as the "Larry Craig Stallmaster."

Friday 9/28/07

GENTLEMAN'S AGREEMENT... Gentlemens Quarterly Magazine killed an article unflattering to Hillary after Bill threatened to veto his upcoming cover photo. In a related story, if Good Housekeeping runs that negative profile of Lynn Cheney, you can forget about the nude centerfold of Dick in "Guns 'N' Ammo."

SHOT IN THE DARK... For the first time in 100 years, the Supreme Court has agreed to review a death penalty process---is lethal injection painless? Leading snuff supporter Clarence Thomas wanted to test it on Sean Penn, but Scalia talked him out of it.

JACK BE NIMBLE... For the second time in three years, Keifer Southerland was nabbed by LA cops for driving while drunk. He's in good hands, though. He's been getting legal advice from pal and "24" fan Rush Limbaugh, another notorious substance abuser.

CONFUCIUS SAY... US representatives protested the UN address by Iran president Ahmadinejad by walking out. Apparently, they've never heard the ancient Chinese proverb "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."
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"September 4, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers. It's a day I'll never forget."

George W. Bush 10/18/2004 Marlton, New Jersey
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PINK LADIES & JEFFS... Warren Jeffs, Mormon cult-within-a-cult leader, was convicted of being an accessory to rape and could get life in prison. Most of which, with 85 wives, he'll spend writing anniversary cards.

STALLING... Larry Craig says he'll remain in the Senate pending the outcome of his motion to withdraw his guilty plea. No surprise here since Larry is well known among his Republican gentlemen friends for pulling out at the last possible moment.

MY CARD... A study by the ABA shows that newly hired lawyers at big city firms are given starting salaries in the neighborhood of $160,000. Which explains the brisk sales of the new Ferrari "Ambulato Chazalito."

POUND FOR POUND... Russian weight lifter Natalia Zabolotania broke her own world record at the Weightlifting Championships in Bangkok by bettering last year's lift of Rosie O'Donnell with a flawless hoist of Kirstie Alley.
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[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines (OJ, anyone?) the moment they hit the street, check the "Bereft On The Left" blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add the blog to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
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BEADED... The University of Rhode Island lost a freedom of speech suit filed by students after campus police removed their signs that said "Keep You Rosaries Off Our Ovaries!" Which actually were an improvement over last year's signs that began "Keep Your Mitts... "

MOMMA MIA... The J. P. Getty Museum will return Italian antiquities illegally obtained by a curator. Among them is Michelangelo's famous bronze bust of Chef Boy-ar-dee.

CHUBSTER... A Siberian woman has given birth to a seventeen pound baby. She's being treated in the maternity ward at Moscow's Cedars of Jenny Craig.
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"My job is, like, to think beyond the immediate."

George W. Bush 2/13/2006 Washington DC

Tuesday 9/25/07

CROSS HAIRS... The Iraqi government claims to have a video showing Blackwater mercenaries killing eleven Iraqi civilians.
A White House spokesman cast doubt on its authenticity, however, saying it's obviously made up of spliced-together clips from "3:10 to Yuma."

NOW BOARDING... Thousands of robed and sandaled Buddist monks in Myanmar chanted in the streets to protest oppressive military rule. Bystanders report that downtown Rangoon looked like a giant airport lobby.

MOLAR MADNESS... Wrigley has won the coveted American Dental Association's seal of approval for its sugarless gum Orbit, Extra and Eclipse. Competitors will have to rely on the less-than-coveted seal of the Dental Association of Great Britain.

AHOY!... A Royal Caribbean cruise ship stopped to rescue two Haitian migrants adrift on a raft off the Florida coast. Before they could be turned over to the Coast Guard, both had been signed by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
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"I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to---the beauty of playing baseball."

George W. Bush 2/13/2006 Washington DC
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LOUISVILLE SLUGGER... Former big leaguer Jose Offerman was charged with assault after clubbing the pitcher and catcher with his bat. "Jose is innocent," said his lawyer, Nancy Kerrigan.

RAP SHEET... The FBI reports that violent crime rose for the second year in a row. They blame gangs, lax gun-licensing laws and the return of OJ.

SURGE... Workers erecting Dubai's 165 story Burj Dubai Hotel are at story 145 and complete one floor every three days. All but obliterating the record set by call girls at the last Republican National Convention.

OPEN SEATING... A newly-developed $1.88 million scanning device will be used at the Port of Los Angeles to inspect luggage being loaded onto cruise ships. It will also be used to scan returning passengers to make sure that their additional weight is only fat.
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DON'T ASK... Fed Ex, Yahoo!, and Mastercard get high ratings from the Corporate Equality Index for their treatment of gays, lesbians and bisexuals. Bottom feeders include the Army, Navy, Marines and the Florida Orange Juice Commission.

THOU SHALT NOT... The centerpiece of Giuliani's campaign are his "Twelve Commandments." Not the Christian ones he keeps breaking, but new political ones.

RELOAD... Giuliani apologized to the NRA for once characterizing their members as "terrorists," explaining that he overreacted after a weekend hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

ARRGGG... A man arriving at LAX was caught trying to smuggle three iguanas past Customs hidden in his hollowed-out wooden leg. Would have gotten away with it, too, but for the hook and the shoulder parrot.
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[] Catch Bob's on-line weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews on Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

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CRIPS & BLOODS... The Senate has passed $1 billion anti-gang legislation. It was their first "drive by" vote.

GIDEON... A Pontiac dealer in Texas includes a free bible with new car owners manuals. Non-Christians have a choice between the Quran or Harry Potter.

CLUNK!... Michael Douglas's "King of California" is being pilloried by critics. Friends say Catherina Zeta Jones won't even let him touch her Zeta.

Monday 9/24/07

SIGNING OFF... Legendary mime Marcel Marceau has died at age 84.

[] The cause of death has not been determined, but his body was discovered in an airless glass box.

[] Police reported that neighbors believed they heard several pleas for help: "________!" "________!" and maybe "________!"

[] Fans worldwide paid tribute to him with a moment of noise.

HARLEY HAR HAR... George Clooney suffered a broken rib in a New Jersey motorcycle accident, following which three female bystanders promptly administered mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. He didn't need it, but why take a chance?

KICK START... According to a recent study, the age of the average motorcyclist in the US is 41. Life expectancy: 41 1/2.

RECALL... LED Zeppelin has reunited for a multi-city concert tour---jointly sponsored by Metamucil, Depends and Cialis.

FUHRER FUROR... The German government has reversed its decision not to allow Tom Cruise to film "Valkyrie" in Berlin because it's about a plot to assassinate Hitler. But only after Tom threatened to expose Marlene Deitrich as a Scientologist.

FRIDAY 9/21/07

SPOKED... After a lengthy drug investigation, Floyd Landis has been stripped of his Tour de France trophy and suspended from the sport for two years. A charge of staging illegal bicycle fights was dropped.

AH SO... The Treasury Department has debuted the new purple and grey $5 dollar bill. Designed to thwart counterfeiters, be more recognizable and easily converted to the Chinese Yuan.

EYE LIFT.... "60 Minutes" begins its fifth decade on CBS Sunday night with Mike Wallace, 89, Andy Rooney, 87, and Morley Safer 75. Some changes to look for:

[] A new set with wheelchair access.
[] Stopwatch with numbers viewable without bifocals.
[] Orthopedic eyebrows on Andy Rooney

R & R FOREVER... Senate Democrats failed to pass a measure that would have spread out military deployments in Iraq to "give the troops more rest." Not the eternal variety so popular at the White House.

BALL WASHERS... The Parents Television Council reports that references to sex occur on TV every 4.8 minutes. And that's just on the Golf Channel.

SPEAKING IN TONGUES... Greenspan says in his new book that Nixon's foul mouth scared him and that "he made the Sopranos sound like choir boys." That's nothing. Insiders say after a couple of bourbons, Pat made Coretta Scott King sound like Moms Mabley.
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"We'll be a great country where the fabrics are made up of groups and loving centers."

George W. Bush 3/27/01 Kalamazoo, MICH
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MR. WHIPPLE... Infectious disease scientists report that studies show only a third of men wash their hands after using the mensroom. Not surprisingly, it's usually those with a "wide stance."

Rx... The US ranks 37th worldwide in quality of healthcare, followed by Cuba at 38th. You need any more proof that Communism doesn't work?

STICKER SHOCK... The Army has requested 10,000 new armored vehicles at $1.5 million a copy. And that's without OnStar and Satellite Radio.

DOUCHE BAG DEPT... A federal prosecutor in Florida has been charged with arranging online to have sex with a five-year-old. And you thought Michael Vick was the lowest of the low.
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TAILGATING... A new Department of Transportation study shows that that 110 million commuters must spend an average of one week per year on the road. Worse, they're not even given a chance to choose their week.

BUB-EYE... Southwest Airlines will retain its open seating policy, but will now assign each passenger a number for boarding. Even better, they'll be allowed to pick the city their luggage will be misdirected to.

MS GOODWRENCH... Saudi Arabian women have petitioned King Abdullah for the right to drive. "Objects In Mirror May Appear More Veiled Than They Actually Are."
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Thursday 9/20/07

BLACK EYE... Dan Rather has sued CBS for $70 million, claiming they made him a scapegoat during the Bush National Guard service scandal. Actually, he only wants $50 million---the additional $20 million is for hiring Katie Couric.

GENERAL DISCONTENT... Petreaus tells Lindsay Graham, "Expect 60 to 90 casualties a month in Iraq for the foreseeable future." None of whom, you can bet your sweet patootee, will be named Dave Patreaus.

EXIT STAGE LEFT... The president of Iraq tells Blackwater: "Scram!" He did say, however, that he'd have no problem with University of Florida campus cops carrying tasers.
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"I think it's very important for the American president to mean what he says. That's why I understand that the enemy could misread what I say. That's why I try to be as clearly as I can."

George W. Bush 3/30/00 Milwaukee, WIS
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TWANGED... GOP C&W warbler Lee Greenwood pulled out of a Denver tribute show for US military, police and firemen, claiming his $20,000 fee hadn't been paid. Hey, he's not THAT proud to be an American.

MEOW... Bowing to complaints from health officials, the British Fashion Council has issued new guidelines for all new catwalk models: They must be free from eating disorders and at least 16. Pounds.

CHOP TIX... Chinese versions of "My Fair Lady," "Mary Poppins" and "Momma Mia" will be staged in Beijing. With counterfeit original cast soundtrack albums for sale in the lobby.
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Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.

www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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'TWEENER... Australia's "Gold Coast Fashion Week" showcased a 13-year old runway model. A spokesman for the Jon Benet Ramsey Agency was unavailable for comment.

HALFWAY TO THE STARS... San Francisco plans to build a 1375-foot tall building, which will qualify as the tallest on the West Coast. They haven't had a structural tourist attraction out there since Carol Doda.

CAR HOP... Paris Hilton has filed suit against Hallmark for using her image on a card that says "Paris's First Day as a Waitress." In a related story, the Restaurant Workers Union has filed a defamation suit over the same card.
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[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines (OJ, anyone?) the moment they hit the street, check the "Bereft On The Left" blog often. It's updated frequently and more when circumstances merit---our broadcast clients who rely on us for daily show prep deserve nothing less. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add the blog to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
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WEDNESDAY 9/19/07

RUG RATS... The jury in the Phil Spector case has reported to the judge that they are hung up. Not you're ordinary hung jury---they're actually tangled up in the defendant's hair.

CLUNKER BUNKER... Negotiators for General Motors and the United Auto Workers Union are reported to be close to an agreement. Unfortunately, what both need is Japan's---to stop producing better cars.

TRIGGER FINGERED... Fred Thompson visited a gun show in Lakeland, FL to apologize to the Gun Owners of America for his 2/3 voting record with the NRA in Congress. At least he's consistent. Fred packs a .38 caliber snub nosed revolver that's only 2/3 loaded.

ENVELOPE, PLEASE... New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick has been fined $500,000 by the NFL for using a cameraman to secretly tape opponents' signals. On a slightly brighter note for Bill, the cameraman won an Emmy on Sunday night.

JUICED... Barry Bonds' 756th record-breaking home run ball sold at auction for $752,467. It came with a certificate of authenticity and an autographed syringe.