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MORMONICO?... Romney says the US should bar the president of Iran from addressing the United Nations General Assembly. Sorry, Mitt, but the UN is an international body and Utah isn't a country---yet.
FUNK & WANGELS... Barry Manilow canceled an appearance on "The View," calling Elizabeth Hasselbeck "dangerous and offensive." After he looked up "airhead" in the dictionary and found her picture next to "dangerous, offensive and married to a professional athlete."
BLEEPED... Sally Field was cut off during her Emmy speech: "If mothers ruled the world, there would be no goddam wars in the first place!" Sally has been down on war ever since Marlon Brando beat out Burt Reynolds for "Apocalypse Now."
THREE HAIL MARYS... Fox excised the Emmy acceptance speech of "My Life on the D List" star Kathy Griffin after complaints from the Catholic League over her comment that "Jesus had nothing to do with this." They're still mad because the Book of Mormon refers to the Last Supper as "a D-List event."
PAGE TURNER... During a visit to Israel, Madonna presented President Shimon Peres with "The Book of Splendor," a guide to Jewish mysticism. It's believed to enable the owner to channel Georgie Jessel.
IF HE DID IT... OJ Simpson has been charged by Las Vegas police with two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon, two counts of assault with a deadly weapon, conspiracy to commit burglary and burglary with a firearm--charges that could result in 1-15 years in prison.
[] Close call. One more firearm charge and he would have lost his Ginzu Carving Knife endorsement deal.
[] Another lucky break. Nothing in the charges mention an airport mensroom.
[] After seeing his mug shot, he said, "Could you use the one they took when I murdered Ron and Nicole?"
[] He was booked into the "Celebrity Block"---wall-to-wall Elvis impersonators and Wayne Newton drag queens.
[] Las Vegas cell blocks are windowless, clockless, and noisy 24/7---oh, I'm sorry---that's the casinos.
[] He felt right at home. Prisoners in Las Vegas are issued a sequined jumpsuit and Bruno Mahli loafers.
[] When he entered his holding cell, he noticed Kato Kaelin already asleep in the bunk.
[] He may see some old faces. Marcia Clark has applied for a job with the prosecution---as an unpaid volunteer.
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SPANGLISH... Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, once praised by Bush for his vision and insight, claims in his new book the "The Iraq war is for oil." The White House immediately issued a denial but Cheney's comments were drowned out by his camel.
GLAND ENTRANCE... McCain has launched what he calls his "No Surrender Tour." But it doesn't refer to the war----it's about his enlarged prostate.
CRONE-FREE... Bush has announced his choice for Attorney General, Michael Mukasey, a former federal judge with impressive legal credentials. Which can mean only one thing: the GOP's "Annual Summer's End Incompetent Right Wing Political Hack Sale" must have been a bust.
STEP RIGHT UP... The airport mens room where Larry Craig was busted is now a popular tourist attraction. Joining Ted Haggart's choir loft and Mark Foley's apartment on the route of Grayline's "Compassionate Republicans Family Values Closeted Gay Hypocrites Trysts & Twists Magical Mystery Tour."
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NUNS ON THE RUN... The Los Angeles Archdiocese will sell Santa Barbara's Sisters of Bethany Convent to help pay off the $660 million priest pedophile settlement. No problem for the Vatican, though. Pope Benny declared homelessness a fourth vow.
COME UNTO ME... And the pope approved a new Beatitude: "Blessed are the homeless for they shall inherit Sears refrigerator cartons to live in."
SLIGHT DISCONNECT... Petreaus told the Congressional committee that "I'm not aware of a connection between 9/11 and Iraq." But destroying the country is okay because, well, didn't FDR answer Pearl Harbor by invading Lichtenstein?
ETHEREAL... Petreaus says that testifying before Congress "was like an out-of-body experience." Which wasn't easy with eighty-six pounds of medals and assorted battle bric-a-brac pinned to his chest.
OWEN'S VALLEY... Eschewing the rehab being urged by his friends, Owen Wilson has hired a $750-a-day "sobriety buddy" to chaperon him around the clock. Nice to see Mel Gibson is keeping busy between films.
ALTARNATION... Over half of Americans polled recently said they believe the Constitution designates the US as a "Christian nation." Even more alarming, three quarters of them think the Declaration of Independence was signed by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John Hancock.
PAINLESS OGG... Several teeth found in Spain believed to be 63,400 years old show evidence that Neanderthals tried to preserve their teeth. Then, unfortunately, most of them migrated to England and, well ----
BARK... New ultra-accurate GPS instruments have been able to identify the world's tallest tree, a 379-foot California Coast Redwood named "Hyperion." Which was recently irregated by the world's tallest dog, a pure bred Great Dane named "Michael Vick."
SILENT VIGIL... On September 11, American's across the nation commemorated the attack on the World Trade Towers. Even Bush. He reread "My Pet Goat."
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"Sometimes when I sleep at night, I think of Dr.Seuss's 'Hop on Pop'."
George W. Bush 4/2/2002 Washington, DC
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EMPTY CHAMBER... Bush's Homeland Security advisor Frances Townsend called Bin Laden "virtually impotent." Oops----sorry, that was Bush.
DON THE BEACHCOMBER... Rumsfeld called Afghanistan "a big success." Not big enough for a "Mission Accomplished" banner maybe, but big.
PICTURE PERFECT... A recent survey shows that 22% of Americans sport tattoos, many in unexpected places. A proctologist at the Mayo recently spotted "Dogs Playing Poker" on his colonoscopy screen.
DOUBLE PLY... Larry Craig filed a motion with the Minneapolis court to withdraw his disorderly conduct guilty plea. Still making poor decisions, he had his lawyer type it up on a roll of Charmin.
DA... Starbucks opened its first kiosk in Russia. Hottest seller so far: French Vanilla Borcht Frappacino Decaf.
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________
FAULT!... This year, over 400 applicants competed for jobs as ball boys at the US Tennis Open. Most unemployed former dog fight referees.
WIDE STANCE... An internet photo of Vanessa Hudgens, star of Disney's "High School Musical 2," shows her standing nude in a bathroom. Worse, you can just make out Larry Craig's shoe poking under the adjoining stall.
MARGARITAVILLE... MTV is developing a bisexual dating show with MySpace star Tila Tequila the grand prize. Contestants are switch-hitters----you know, they don't mind if their rims are salted or unsalted.
NECK BRACE... A White House spokesman called Laura Bush's neck surgery for a pinched nerve "minimally invasive." Would that pinched nerve she married was.
ALL NET... Shaquille O'Neal and his wife, Shaunie, are divorcing. Things could get nasty. She's even going after his Reserve Sheriff Deputy checks.
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FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
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BATTLE OF VICKSBURG... Whoopie Goldberg was booed on "The View" when she defended Michael Vick. But boos turned to cheers when Elizabeth Hasselbeck's chihuahua, "Rosie," attached herself to Whoopie's ankle.
ORDER IN THE COURT... The Post Office has issued a new stamp that commends those who show up for jury duty. May be a tad too graphic, though. It has a picture of a jury tieing a noose around Phil Spector's neck.
GEEZERVILLE... Americans' life spans now average 77.9 years. Gerontologists credit improved diets, healthier lifestyles and Bob Barker.
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"The law I sign today directs new funds and new focus to the task of collecting vital intelligence on terrorist threats and on weapons of mass production."
George W. Bush 11/27/2002 Washington DC
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FRIENDLY FIRE... Bush made a surprise Iraq visit to 10,000 US troops stationed in Anbar Provence. When Air Force One landed, he got the traditional 21-gun salute----thirteen of them aimed AT Air Force One.
MILD DISAPPOINTMENT... Said White House Chief-of-Staff Joshua Bolten: "There have been unexpected developments on the negative side in Iraq." Well, sure, if you want to call no success after five years and 4,000 deaths "negative."
GENERAL ECLECTIC... Said Bush's number two man in Iraq, Lt. Gen. Ray Odierno: "I think that if we continue doing what we are doing, we'll get to such a level where we think we can do it with less troops." It's "fewer troops," but hey, English is kind of an elective at West Point.
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"We ended the rule of one of history's worst tyrants, and in so doing, we not only freed the American people, we made our own people more secure."
George W. Bush 5/3/2003 Crawford, Texas
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PALS... The Marine Corps "Buddy Program" guarantees that friends who enlist together will be assigned to the same platoon, drill sergeant and duty station. Not to mention field hospitals, morphine drips, litters, splints, tourniquets, crutches, prosthetic limbs...
PICTURE PERFECT... The Marines do not permit tattoos that feature profanity, gang symbols, racial slurs or pornography. Or depictions of the commander-in-chief as "What, me worry?"
HONOR ROLL CHALLENGED... According to the latest progress report, the Iraqi government has met only three of the eighteen benchmarks imposed upon them by the Bush administration. Not too bad if you compare it to Bush's report card at Yale.
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Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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HORMEL REPORT... Fred Thompson announced "I'm running for the presidency" on the Tonight Show----after declining an invitation to guest on C-Span's "Ham Actor Week," honoring Ronald Reagan.
JOB INTERVIEW... Bush says he'll name a replacement for Al Gonzales soon. He must be serious. Yesterday, he met with Larry Craig for three hours in the mensroom of the West Wing.
WIDE STANCE... GOP honcho Lindsay Graham on Larry Craig's decision to recant his resignation: "There was a lot of expectation that it was behind us." Lindsay, it's best not to use "Craig" and "behind" in the same sentence.
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BETTER IDEA... The Postal Service has unveiled a 41 cent stamp honoring President Gerald R. Ford. With a special feature. If you fail to attach enough postage, it pardons you.
BUZZZ... The TSA has begun using an improved airport luggage scanner that's better at recognizing shapes. Correcting a problem that plagued the previous scanners, it can distinguish between batteries attached to bombs from those attached to sex toys.
GRRR... Midway, Utah hosted the annual Classic Sheepdog Championships. Contestants were judged on field mobility, command response and form while tearing an effigy of Michael Vick to shreds.
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"I'm a patient man. And when I say I'm a patient man, I mean I'm a patient man."
George W. Bush 8/23/2001 Crawford, Texas
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ET CUM SPIRITU TUO... Pope Benedict XVI hosted the eco-friendly Youth Festival whose participants used recycled prayer books----while enjoying the pontiff's traditional recycled ecclesiastical claptrap.
CONDOMINIMUM... More than 100,000 condoms distributed free by the District of Columbia to fight AIDS and STD's were recalled as defective. Seems some of them were missing the "This End First" stamp on the tip.
WAGNERIAN OPERA... A 1909 Honus Wagner T206 baseball card sold at auction for a record $2.8 million. In a related story, an early publicity photo of Robert Wagner was purchased on e-Bay for $13.95----by Stephanie Powers.
CLOAK & DAGGER... Carbon dating has confirmed the authenticity of a 13th century tunic believed to have belonged to St. Francis of Assisi----despite claims by some skeptics that it's actually a shawl worn by Jeannie Francis on "Days of Our Lives."
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CRAIG'S LIST... GOP Senator says his lewd conduct guilty plea was based on charges that were "misconstrued."
1) Undercover cop misconstrued handshake attempt as a "crotch grab."
2) Hand under stall searching for toilet paper misconstrued as stroking neighbor's ankle.
3) "First time in Minneapolis?" misconstrued as "Hi, big boy, up for some layover fun?"
4) Perfectly straight, family-values-touting senator misconstrued as Merv Griffin.
CHARMIN GUY... Sen. Craig at a Boise press conference: "I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis Airport... I am not gay... I never have been gay." Which should come as good news to Kimberly-Clark who desperately want Larry to consider becoming the next "Mr. Whipple."
STALLING... Mitt Romney's campaign has accepted Larry Craig's resignation as "campaign laison." On a brighter note for the senator, the Senate Ethics Committee has assured him that no charges of dog fighting are presently on the table.
MITT MIFFED... Romney tells CNN that he finds Craig "incredibly disappointing" but whether he'll demand his resignation, "I'll let him make that decision." Mitt does point out, though, that this probably puts him out of the running for his own planet that Mormons believe faithful spouses are awarded after death.
OINK!... The Minneapolis police have released the taped interrogation of Craig by the arresting officer. Says Larry: "I'm a fairly wide guy... I tend to spread my legs when I lower my pants so I won't slide..." Is it just me or does this remind you of "Deliverance"?
AMEN... Christian Fundamentalist, former "Family Values" presidential candidate Gary Bower says "What's disturbing and disgusting is that Minneapolis police have to stake out mens rest rooms." He's a firm (excuse the pun) believer that fellatio should be performed in private... behind the pulpit if possible.
GO ON... Seigfried and Roy have announced that both are gay. Okay, one, maybe----but BOTH?
HOT DOG... Sarah Lee has named September 5 "National Take Your Whole Grain Sandwich to School Day." Coming next month: "National I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Weiner Day."
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
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PENNY LOAFERS: Officials at TSA have abandoned attempts to develop an effective shoe scanner. Seems the test models could locate and identify powder or plastic explosives but just couldn't recognize Michael Vick basketball shoes.
LOST CHORD... Newly released data on Beethoven's death indicate that he may have died from lead poisoning. Most likely suspects are the keys on his harpsichord which were made in China.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH... Shiela E heads the panel of judges for Fox's new reality series "The Next Great American Band." Contestants will be ranked for excellence in:
1) Thoroughness and originality of hotel room trashing.
2) Requiring groupies to produce complete and up-to- date STD medical records.
3) Proper syntax, grammar, spelling and punctuation of all body art.
4) Knowledge of, and ability to demonstrate, at least four guitar chords requiring three or more fingers.
5) Coming up with a totally meaningless name for the group.
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FAITHLESS... Newly-published letters of Mother Teresa show that she was haunted by doubts that Jesus ever really existed. And if that wasn't enough to shake her faith, she bought Enron stock.
AUTOGRAPH... The Atlanta Falcons will try to recover Michael Vick's $30 million signing bonus. I know what you're thinking. He knows how to write his name?
PRAISE D'LAWD... Vick told reporters that during his current difficulties, he "found the Lord." Maybe Mother Teresa should have tortured some dogs.
DAISY MAE... Officials in Atlanta are considering a measure that would ban jogging bras and thongs in public places. There are some pretty strict rules for women, too.
DUNES... The new $600 million, 65 acre, US embassy in Baghdad will have 1157 apartments, a soccer field and a mall surrounded by a nine foot wall. Opening in the 1000-seat Boom Boom Lounge is "Hallalujah Halliburton!" starring Sam Butera and the Coalition of the Willing featuring Keeley Smith.
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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TEMPUS FUGIT... AT&T is discontinuing its 80-year old free time service. The toll free number will be reassigned to their new Keep Track of Republican Politician Sex Offenders service.
MEA CULPA... Michael Vick told reporters at a hastily-convened press conference "I apologize for all the things I've done... now I have to pay the consequences... I'm ashamed... what I did was very immature... I'm disappointed with myself... I need to grow up..." Oh, I'm sorry. That was Alberto Gonzales.
TOAST... There were some unmistakable signs that Al was headed back to Lone Star State oblivion:
1) Bush started addressing him as "Dude."
2) Portrait in hall repeatedly mistaken for John Mitchell's.
3) Phil Spector called him for legal advice.
4) Merriam-Webster printed his picture next to their entry on "hack."
5) His law school demanded return of his signing bonus.
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"It's about past seven in the evening here so we're actually in different time lines."
George W. Bush 4/28/2005 Washington DC
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RENO 911?... The Wall Street Journal reports that White House advisors have mentioned Sandra Day O'Conner as a possible replacement for Gonzales. Only if Harriet Miers isn't available, of course.
THUMBS DOWN... Roger Ebert, who owns the tradmark on the "thumbs up, thumbs down" film rating system, has refused to allow producers of "At The Movies" to use it. ABC/Disney decided to go with up and down middle fingers instead, but the New York City Cabbies Union owns that trademark.
SAN FRANCISCO TREAT... To help offset $4 million yearly maintenance costs, Golden Gate Bridge authorities will begin accepting advertising. First advertiser: Rice-A-Roni.
BAH, BAH, BAH... At current loss rates, British Airways is on track to misplace 1.3 million bags this year. Most of which, rumor has it, will be diverted to the ancient Greek city of Sampsonite.
BIG TOP... The Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus has been charged with animal cruelty for mishandling elephants. Keepers insist that balancing all four feet on a ball is perfectly natural behavior in the wild. How else are they expected to kill coconuts?
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
OLE! Spanish TV will no longer air live bullfights, calling the practice a "cruel and brutal sport." This follows recent bans of "The View," "The Jerry Springer Show" and "American Idol" for the same reason.
DR. SCHOLL... A footprint believed to be 2 million years old was discovered beside an oasis in Egypt. Archeologists are stumped as to whose it is, but suffice to say, they're checking Cher's shoes.
FOREVER... Gemologists are verifying the discovery of a 7,000 carat diamond reportedly found in a mine near Johannesburg, South Africa. Before you get too excited, Kobe Bryant already bought it for his wife.
COCKED & LOADED... Last year, Americans bought half of the eight million firearms manufactured worldwide. And that's not even counting all those guns that Petraeus gave al Quaeda.
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"I think there is some methodology in my travels."
George W. Bush 3/5/2001 Washington DC
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NO MAPS... Attempting to appeal to younger voters, the Romney campaign has come up with a web site inviting them to "Create your own ad!" Not a bad idea if they hadn't hired that brain-numb, geography-challenged Miss Teenage America contestant to host it.
POPS... McCain's new web site features a clip of Lt. McCain being interrogated by enemy soldiers. Vietnam soldiers, not Roman Centurians as his age might suggest.
DOG DAZE... Leona Helmsley's will bequeathed $12 million to her dog----who's already been spotted club hopping with Paris Hilton's dog.
MUSKRAT RAMBLE... New federal airport screening rules now require additional inspection of certain types of head gear. The new requirement covers cowboy hats, berets, turbans and Donald Trump's hair.
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WEDDING BELLS... The White House announced that Jenna Bush is engaged to Henry Hager, former aide to Karl Rove and son of the former lieutenant governor of Virginia, John Hager. Before you go into a complete panic, geneticists worldwide are hard at work on a process that would insure, through selective juggling of DNA, that none of the couples' progeny, should they choose to procreate, will be born with a desire to enter politics... ADIOS AMIGO... "I just think it's time" said Karl Rove to Bush on the White House lawn before exiting stage left and heading home to join his new firm of Washington lobbyists, "Rove, Gingrich, DeLay, Foley & Cunningham"... ACADEMIA... US News & World Report ranks Princeton the top US college with Harvard not far behind. Bottom feeders included Pauly Shore's Traffic School in Encino, the Rhyman School of Bartending and that ersatz Jerry Falwell law school that all those Bush-appointed Justice Department retards matriculated from...SEE SPOT RUN... Laura Bush and her daughter Jenna have written a novel that will be published next spring. According to an aide, Bush enjoyed the gallies so much, he asked his tutor to read parts of it to him twice.
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Ever been told your voice could charm the birds out of the trees? Okay, how about into the trees? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
____________________
AUTO MOTIVES... A Ferrari once owned by Steve McQueen sold at auction for $2.3 million. A rare MGM film spool containing outtakes of Butterfly McQueen in "Gone With the Wind" is also expected to earn a bundle... COME ON DOWN!... Details are sketchy, but Drew Carey was, according the show's insiders, injured during a taping of "The Price Is Right." Apparently Drew was trapped between two large appliances while being chased by a "Barker's Beauty" insisting that he "prove" that he's been neutered... LITTLE BIT COUNTRY... Seventies pop icons The Osmonds reunited on stage after 25 years apart. At the conclusion of the well-attended concert, Donny and Marie admitted that, thanks to a maze of mirrors and breakaway costumes, they are, as many fans have long suspected, the same person... KILL THE COPS... Casting his film on the life of rapper Notorious B.I.G., Sean "Diddy" Combs says he's looking for an actor who can capture B.I.G.'s "style, energy and smile." That Shouldn't be a problem. How many groosly obese, foul mouthed, black gangsters are there?... CHECK MATE... CNN's Anderson Cooper says he's "mildly dyslexic" and learned to read watching Sesame Street. He wasn't that great with numbers, either, constantly miscounting the zeros on his trust fund checks...
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
LOVE LOVE... Serena Williams appears nude in the current issue of Jane Magazine. Well, almost naked save for two tennis balls and a torn hot dog wrapper... MEDIC!... Johnson & Johnson has filed suit against the American Red Cross alledging illegal use of its logo. In a related story, Krispy Kreme has filed their own suit charging them with illegal donut distribution... SENIOR DISCOUNT... McCain says he's the candidate most qualified to "take on radical Islamic exteremism." He may be right, being the only one who actually met Allah as a youth... LOUISVILLE SLUGGER... Former Dodger Jose Offerman was charged with assault after clubbing the opposing pitcher and catcher with his bat during a Triple A game----the second of a double-header on "Michael Vick Night."... CHEERS!... With a population topping 4.2 million, Ireland is the fastest growing European country and could reach six million within a generation. Which, at the current ratio, would mean thay'd have 56,430,812,957 pubs... HI, SAILOR... Scientists at U.C. Davis have discovered that ground squirrels possess the ability to increase the temperature of their tails by as much as 12%. Big deal, Manhattan's call girls can do twice that...
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
_______________________________________
AGED IN OAK... NASA cut short by one day the mission of the space shuttle Endeavour in order to avoid Hurricane Dean. And also to insure that the astronauts would be able to attend a celebration in Lexington, Kentucky marking the 150th anniversary of Southern Comfort... PINNACLED... Seventy-one year old Katsusuke Yanagisowa has become the oldest person ever to climb Mt. Everest. Eclipsing Regis Philbin's record as the oldest person ever to climb Kathy Lee Gifford... DUH... Michigan University's Institute for Social Research found that the average net worth of people 20 to 30 has fallen 30% since 2003. But luckily their math scores plummeted by the same amount so they probably didn't notice... BUFF... According to a poll conducted by afteradult.com, the favorite male athletes among gays are David Beckham and Brady Quinn. Favorite among lesbians is Ann Coulter... BON APPETIT... Signaling a thaw in Franco-American relations, France's foreign minister told reporters during a surprise visit to Baghdad that "we are ready to be useful." I'll say. He's sending in the elite 285th Croissant & Baguette Reconnaissance Battalion to provide pastry chef backup...
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"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."
George W. Bush 5/22/2004 New York City
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BOW WOW... Michael Vick has elected to avoid a trial on dog cruelty charges by pleading guilty to conspiracy. After he learned from court insiders that the jury pool is made up of members of the Westminster Kennel Club...BONZAI!... Clint Eastwood's "Letters From Iwo Jima" grossed three times more in Japan than it did in the US. Upon hearing the figures, the Warner Bros. flack who hawked the film here impaled himself on a Samurai sword... ABU DABU HONEYMOON... Army Lt. Col. Steven Jordan, who has gone on trial for atrocities committed at Abu Ghraib Prison, claims he's a scapegoat. He has a point. The strongest evidence against him is the Sears Die Hard traced to his Humvee that was used to wire that inmate's testicles... PINK PANTHERS... Researchers at Newcastle University in England have demonstrated that color preferences are gender based with females prefering pink and males blue. Trans-sexuals appear to lean toward plaid... GOL-LY!... The Princeton Review has ranked West Virginia University as the nation's number one party school. Which explains that bronze bust of John Beluchi in the lobby of Dukes of Hazzard Hall...
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
VIAGRACULTURE... A University of Chicago study shows that many Americans have sex well into their 70's and 80's. With some adjustments, of course. Foreplay is replaced by trying to remember what they just did... KNICK ON VICKS... New York Knicks guard Steven Marbury says "dogfighting is just another sport, like hunting." He said this while on tour to promote his new $200-a-pair basketball shoes----the "Model 55 Puppy Stompers."... GHOSTBUSTING... Bill Murray was arrested by Swedish police for driving a golf cart down a Stockholm street. He explained that he was reenacting "Groundhog Day" but somehow, it got "Lost in Translation."... CHECK OUT TIME... Leona Helmsley died in New York City at the age of 92. In her memory, 21 runway models threw cell phones at their maids...
Petraeus predicts that "... the US footprint in Iraq will be a lot smaller by next summer." Well, sure, given the rate their legs are being blown off.
Crooked NBA referee Tim Donaghy has admitted that he's been fixing games for a fee of $5000 each since 2003. In mitigation, though, he did buy his wife a ring.
Michael Vick is said to be considering a plea deal offered by prosecutors. Rumors are they'll recommend probation if he agrees to have a wounded pit bull strapped to his ankle.
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Ever been told your voice could charm the birds out of the trees? Okay, how about into the trees? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________
Mormons believe that married couples who are faithful to each other in life will, in the afterlife, be awarded their own planet. Mitt Romney has already subdivided his and is selling prime beachfront lots to non-Mormons who won't get their own planet.
A Catholic priest in Mexico was sentenced to 55 years in prison for impregnating one of his parishioners. Pope Benedict XVI threatened to excommunicate him, but Mrs. Benedict talked him out it.
Officials at the National Association of Evangelicals are conducting interviews to replace male prostitute- loving, methamphetimine-using Ted Haggard. Just for a change of pace, they're looking for an alcoholic, porn-collecting pedophile.
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"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself."
George W. Bush 1/28/2003 Grand Rapids, Mich.
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The price of ammunition used by recreational hunters has risen 35% due to the war in Iraq. It's so bad, Cheney can only afford to shoot one hunting buddy a year.
Since the death penalty was restored in 1989, Texas has executed 400 prisoners----thanks to the Supreme Court ruling that life imprisonment in Texas constitutes cruel and unusual punishment.
The city of Newark, New Jersey is installing a $3.2 million system of surveillance cameras and gunshot detectors in high crime areas----starting with the mayor's office, the City Council Chamber and police stations.
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
_______________________________________
A new State Department study shows that 17% of US diplomats suffer symptoms of stress----mainly due to worldwide political unrest, widespread hatred of Americans and pressure to get Condoleezza Rice laid.
The S.E.C. is concluding a 5-year investigation of Dell Computers for accounting irregularities. "Hey, Dude, you're getting a subpoena!"
Quarterly profits at Home Depot have dipped 5%. One more decline that steep and those illegal immigrants in the parking lot will have minimum wage jobs in the store.
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"In other words, I don't think people ought to be compelled to make the decision which they think is best for their family."
George W. Bush 12/11/2002 Washington DC
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Health Department authorities in England have announced that the recent outbreak of hoof and mouth disease has been contained. Much to the relief of Paula Abdul who's been refusing to sit next to Simon Cowell.
For only the fourth time since 1859, Big Ben is silent while workmen clean the clock's internal gears. Whenever any teeth are cleaned in England, it's cause for celebration.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
An Army report shows that thousands of US-made firearms issued to hastily-trained Iraqi forces are now in the hands of the insurgents. And to add insult to injury, they appear to be more accurate with them.
Public school students in Texas are required to recite the state pledge of allegiance followed by a moment of silence----one hopes to reflect on how they'll someday manage to get the hell out of Texas.
Elvis fans will gather in Memphis on August 16 to honor the 30th anniversary of his death. The highlight of which will be a drug overdose reenactment by 20 Elvis lookalikes.
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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A federal judge has barred the Navy from using sonar off the coast of California. Rejecting the Pentagon's argument that they've uncovered a terrorist plot to arm suicide whales.
The space shuttle Endeavor with seven crew members aboard, is on its way to the International Space Station. Also on board are several scientific experiments, new suits designed to offset the effects of weightlessness and 30 cases of industrial strength Huggies.
The baseball that Barry Bonds hit to break Hank Aaron's record will sell at auction, say collectors, for more that a half million dollars. In a related story, the syringe he used to break Mark Maguire's illegal performance enhancement drug record recently sold on e-Bay for $1.39.
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
Philip Morris has launched Marlboro "Snus," a nicotine pouch that addicted smokers on airplanes and other places where smoking is not allowed. can tuck under their upper lip. For those who prefer colon cancer, the pouch easily doubles as a suppository.
A collector rummaging through an attic in Germany found over 100 gramophone records of Russian and Jewish composers, banned by the Nazis, in a collection secretly assembled by Adolph Hitler. In a related story, a ranch hand in Crawford, Texas claims he has proof that Bush occasionally sneaks out to the bunkhouse to listen to Broadway show tunes.
NBC has renewed "America's Got Talent" for another season, signing David Hasselhoff as a judge. As part of his deal, Dave had to agree to be strapped to his chair during tapings and lay off the cheeseburgers in the green room.
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"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well."
George W. Bush 1/29/2001 Washington, DC
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The $400 million, 675-acre Four Winds Casino Resort owned by the Potanatomi Indian tribe has opened in Michigan. Now playing in the 4500-seat "Pow Wow Room" is the smash topless musical review "Hallelujah Wounded Knee!"
Four hundred beachgoers in Florida were stung during an invasion by giant jellyfish----most of whom, authorities later learned, had inexplicably panicked during underwater filming of a Smuckers commercial.
Great Britain has announced that Iraqis who aided British troops will under no circumstances be granted asylum after the troops withdraw. Under their new prime minister, only Prince Harry's ex-girlfriends qualify for government protection.
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
Great Britain has demanded that the US release eight British Muslims being held at Guantanamo. Bush, of course, has refused----although he did offer to exchange Jon Voight for Vanessa Redgrave.
One in three flights arrives late, says the US Department of Transportation. On a brighter note for travelers, their luggage arrives early----in the wrong city, but early.
Over a million and a half dolls, including Dora the Explorer, Big Bird, Elmo and the Cookie Monster have been recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission due to excessive lead levels. The commission is urging parents to test their small children by holding them near a refrigerator. If they stick, immediate medical attention is recommended.
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"He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror."
George W. Bush 1/23/2006 Manhattan, Kan
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Dan Marino's Restaurant in South Florida offers electronic "talking" menues. With ear phones for "Early Bird" diners.
A new Forbes survey says that Las Vegas is the "most visited" US city. Barely edging out Bayonne, New Jersey.
A submarine planted a Russian flag 13,980 feet below the Arctic Circle to claim rights to future energy producing minerals found there. Then they noticed it was only a few feet from the flag Starbucks planted last year.
The Army will pay recruits a $20,000 bonus if they agree to report for duty within 30 days. Even more tempting to employment-desperate youths is a guarantee of $10,000 per shrapnel wound, $50,000 per blown off limb and a whopping $100,000 for the ultimate sacrifice (coffin flag not included).
New evidence shows that pigskin hero turned Army patriot Pat Tillman may have been murdered by fellow soldiers jealous of his notoriety. The Pentagon can explain the three bullet holes found in his back----it's the knife they're having problems with.
Chief Justice John Roberts suffered a seizure at his vacation home in Penobscot, Maine. A spokesman for the Supreme Court immediately assured the public that he's as healthy as Rehnquist was when we were told he was fit.
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"And I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company."
George W. Bush 2/21/2006 Air Force One
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Prince William told an interviewer on NBC "I love America. I think it's brilliant. Everyone's very good at not being too invasive." Bush, it appears, has escaped his notice.
NASA officials disclose that astronauts on a Soyez mission to the International Space station flew while drunk. "One small step for man----one giant leap for Smirnoff."
Two photographers have been charged with attempted extortion for demanding Tom Cruise pay them $1 million for stolen photos of his wedding. Seems they caught a shot of the wedding party which included several space aliens from the Church of Scientology.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
HISTORY TELLS US...
Aspirin was discovered in 1897 by a German chemist named Felix Hoffman. The Bayer employee was busy on other projects until one evening, returning from a long day in his lab, his wife Freida uttered the immortal words that would eventually result in the 700,000,000 pounds of aspirin produced today: "Not tonight I have a headache."
It was an Englishman, not an American, who founded the Boy Scouts of America in 1907. In 1908, Robert Baden-Powell published "Scouting For Boys," which taught woodcraft, boatsmanship, chivalry, dedication----and how to start a fire by rubbing two Girl Scouts together. Today, there are 28 million Boy Scouts in 155 countries----all searching for two girl scouts to rub together.
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Three hundred Boy Scouts gathered in Poole Harbor, England to celebrate the organization's 100th anniversary. With demonstrations of canoeing, pottery making, archery and dance. Local elderly residents volunteered to be helped across the street.
Frederick von Anhalt, husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor, was mugged by two girls who took his wallet and clothes, leaving him naked in the back seat of his Rolls-Royce. The same back seat, you'll recall, on which he claimed to have fathered Anna Nicole's baby.
Producers of "The View" have confirmed that Whoopie Goldberg will replace Rosie O'Donnell. When told of the announcement, Elizabeth Hasselbeck reportedly exclaimed "Oh, I love blacks. And she's Jewish, too!"
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"But I also made it clear to Putin that it's important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe."
George W. Bush 5/1/2001 Washington DC
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Lindsay Lohan's new movie "I Know Who Killed Me" tanked in its opening weekend, earning a paltry $3.4 million. In an attempt to goose the box office, producers have renamed it "I Know Who Stashed That Cocaine in Your Car."
The Adam Sandler movie "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" dropped a whopping 44% from its opening weekend. Critics have renamed it "I Now Pronounce You Pauley Shore and Rob Schnieder."
Laurie David is divorcing "Seinfeld" creator, Larry David. Friends confide that she finally realized that the marriage was about nothing.
NASA has hired a team of MIT engineers to come up with a new skin-tight space suit that will give astronauts greater mobility. Drunk or sober.
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
McDonalds has debuted the "Hugo," their new 42 ounce, 400 calorie soft drink. Not to be outdone, Burger King has introduced its new soft drink called the "Edsel."
Paris Hilton has her Hollywood Hills manse on the market for $4.25. It has four bedrooms, three baths and a library. No books in it, but it's a library.
Famed Swedish film director Ingmar Bergman died in Stockholm. Apparently after eating some wild strawberries.
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Ever been told your voice could charm the birds out of the trees? Okay, how about into the trees? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________
Posh Spice Beckham told reporters in Los Angeles "High heels are good because they really lengthen you out." Hey, a guy who makes millions hitting a soccer ball with his head doesn't need a wife with anything in hers.
Scary Spice has filed an action to collect child support from Eddie Murphy through her attorney, Gloria Allred. Who, coincidentially, is also known as "Scary."
Woman in San Francisco went topless during a visit by Hillary Clinton to protest her support for the Iraq war. Turned out they were there to open the new Nob Hill Hooters.
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PROGRAM REMINDER: Bob is scheduled to co-host "Access Unlimited," KPFK's weekly hour dedicated to helping the disabled. Our topic on Tuesday, August 7 will be "Should Bush be impeached?" The show is broadcast at 90.7 FM in Los Angeles and 90.8 in Santa Barbara. It's also streamed live on the internet at 3pm to 4pm PDT and archieved for 90 days.
KPFK.org
_______________________________________
Seventy percent of applicants for police jobs in Las Vegas are rejected for past drug use, prostitution or other crimes. Not committed in Las Vegas, of course. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Experimental marijuana use in their past will no longer disqualify FBI agent wannabes. Even a reasonable amount of transsexual crossdressing will be allowed in honor of the founder, J. Edgar Hoover.
Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted on animal cruelty charges and told by the NFL not to report to training camp. He will, however, be allowed to hire himself out to college teams to strangle the opposing team's mascot.
Bush met with King Abdullah II of Jordan and was overheard telling him "Your son sure could play basketball."
Bush's recent colonoscopy showed no malignancies, say his doctors who also expect to find nothing after his upcoming brain scan.
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"We need to counter the shockwave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates."
George W. Bush 10/4/2001 Washington, DC
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Bush's underqualified head shyster Bert Gonzales tells Congress he'll stay on the job "to replace the Justice Department's broken image." Pardon me, but isn't that a little like putting Cardinal Mahoney in charge a day care center?
Disgraced former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called the current crop of GOP presidential candidates "a pathetic bunch of pygmies." Three of the Seven Dwarfs immediately demanded an apology.
Paleontologists in Greece have discovered the petrified remains of a mastadon believed to be 3,000,000 years old. Dethroning the previous record-holder, Bob Barker.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
NBA referee Tim Doneghy has been accused of fixing games. Bad enough, but now it looks like he may have covered bets placed by Michael Vick.
Hall of Famer Gary Player says at least ten of the top professional golfers take steroids. Which explains why current PGA rules allow golfers to carry 14 clubs and a syringe.
Airport luggage screeners report finding blocks of cheese wrapped in wire that they suspect may be terrorists making "dry runs." They found a suspicious brick in Kirstie Alley's luggage, but it turned out to be nothing more dangerous than a Kraft Nut Roll with Crushed Almonds & Cashews.
_______________________________________
Do you like to read? Ever been told your voice could charm the birds out of the trees? Okay, how about into the trees? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________
A computer analyst in Milan has discovered "hidden images" in Da Vinci's "The Last Supper" in which an unidentified figure appears to be holding a baby. Theologians theorize that it could be Mary Magdalene begging Jesus to save enough drachma to buy their son, Chip, a new Easter outfit.
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HISTORY TELLS US...
The first hot air balloon to take passengers aloft was launched in Versailles, France in 1783 carrying a rooster, a duck and a sheep. They survived the flight but the sheep was strangled upon landing by Michael Vick's great-great-grandfather, Michele Victoir, personal bookie to Marie Antoinette. Early hot air balloons were made of paper and fabric which was later replaced by rip-stop nylon----human skin if you count Rush Limbaugh. Two Frenchmen, Francois Laurent and Jean Francis Pilatre de Rozier, made the first flight carrying humans. It took them 25 minutes to cover five miles----and two and a half days to find their luggage which, due to poor weather, was diverted to the Island of Malta. The first US manned balloon flight took place in 1793 when Jean-Pierra Blanchard flew from Philadelphia to New Jersey. To keep the air in the balloon warm, he burned pages torn from the Book of Mormon. He later studied rodeo clowning by mail and died shortly thereafter from injuries suffered when, in full makeup, he tried to date Buffalo Bill. In accordance with his final wishes, his body was stuffed into a barrel and buried in the vestibule of the cathedral of St. Stephen the Eunuch near Stockholm.
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"I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans."
George W. Bush 9/19/2000 Oprah Winfrey Show
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Ham actor, former tobacco company lobbyist, Reagan wannabe and unannounced GOP presidential candidate Fred Thompson, has replaced his campaign manager, a former executive with Philip Morris. Seems the guy had to return to the den for the annual skin-shedding season.
Disney has banned tobacco products from all future movies carrying the Disney logo. Which explains why Snow White was recently spotted at a film premiere wearing a skin patch.
England has suffered its worst flooding in 60 years but the waters are finally receding. London has been able to reopen two of its three dental clinics.
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
_______________________________________
Starbucks has raised its prices across the board by nine cents. But in defense of the caffeinated conglomerate, they are granting customers longer grace periods to pay off their loans.
Drew Carey has been chosen to replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price Is Right." He beat out a raft of others including Rosie O'Donnell because he was the only one willing to neuter himself.
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
CNN has hired former NBC Bush apologist Campbell Brown to replace the ratings-challenged Paula Zahn who sniffed to reporters "Youth must be served," while stuffing pins into a Campbell Brown voodoo doll.
Prince Charles celebrated his 60th birthday at a black-tie party at his country mansion Highgrove House near Tetbury. Guests reported that Tony Blair, appearing at his first gig since leaving 10 Downing Street, was sensational doing magic and making balloon animals.
Only twenty states require motorcyclists to wear helmets----mainly for the safety of other drivers. Brain tissue flying through a windshield is much less dangerous than bullet-shaped reinforced plastic.
_______________________________________
PROGRAM ALERT! Bob is scheduled to co-host "Access Unlimited," KPFK's weekly hour dedicated to helping the disabled. Our topic on Tuesday, August 7 will be "Should Bush be impeached?" The show is broadcast at 90.7 FM in Los Angeles and 90.8 in Santa Barbara. It's also streamed live on the internet at 3pm to 4pm PDT and archieved for 90 days.
www.KPFK.org
_______________________________________
Bush underwent a colonoscopy at Camp David. To explain the procedure in terms he could understand, doctors told him they were using a wand "just like the one Harry Potter uses." When they tried to explain their exit strategy, he had no idea what they were talking about. Dick Cheney was "acting president" during the procedure so just to be on the safe side, they hooked up his pacemaker to a Sears Die Hard. Doctors found and removed five polyps in Bush's anal canal plus two suspicious growths that turned out to be, on closer inspection, Cindy Sheehan and Michael Moore.
John Travolta is getting raves for his performance in "Hairspray" in which he plays Tracy Turnblad's mom, Edna. Officials at the Church of Scientology are so impressed, they've asked John to portray Anna Sciento, the Italian peasant who founded the whacko cult in 1878 in Salerno using two empty soup cans, at this year's company Christmas pageant. Tom Cruise has been offered the part of Anna's husband, Giovanni, but so far, he hasn't announced anything on Oprah.
"I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" was roundly "pronounced lousy" by critics. In fact, it's so bad, Adam Sandler reportedly asked Robin Williams, who plays a minister in the equally dreadful "License to Wed," for a dispensation.
In other news from ecclesiastica, the Los Angeles archdiocese reports that the $660 million settlement of the Roman collar child rape cases will require the "sale of some church assets." Already doing his part, Cardinal Rog "Stonewall" Mahoney is renting out his silk vestments and several of his pointy hats to the Grand Klingon of the Ku Klux Klan to wear at "black tie" cross burnings.
Nike has put the scheduled introduction of Michael Vick's $100-a-pair athletic shoes on hold, pending the outcome of animal cruelty charges. Plans to rename the "Vick Pup-Crusher 500s" are also underway. Meanwhile, the NFL is proposing that Michael take a paid leave of absence during which he'd be allowed to work weekends at Atlanta's Animal Welfare Department spaying and neutering himself.
Homeland Security will now allow mothers to take breast milk on airplanes. Under previous Bush administration guidelines, it was allowed on board only if still in the original container.
A five-acre Roman bath house believed to date to the second century has been unearthed near the Italian capital. A sign over the door indicates that it was restricted----to "Romans, Countrymen and Friends."
A New Jersey nurse has been sentenced to life in prison for killing and dismembering her husband and stuffing his body parts into a set of matched luggage that washed ashore in Chesapeake Bay. If she had just thought to check them at Delta, she's be a free woman today.
Also in New Jersey, a professor of evangelism has published a book entitled "The Gospel According to Starbuck's." It's just like the New Testament, except in this version, Jesus turns water into a French vanilla cappuccino decaf with double half & half.
LA's Cardinal Roger "Stonewall" Mahoney said of the $660 million last-minute priest pedophile settlement: "My own testifying would not have been a problem." Then he licked himself to make sure he hadn't turned into a pillar of salt. That's rare, isn't it? A pedophile enabler licking himself.
Minnesota Democrat Keith Ellison said he erred when he compared 9/11 to the Reichtag fire in Nazi Germany. He's right. Hitler ordered the latter and Bush hasn't got the brains to have masterminded the former.
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"And so during these holiday seasons, we thanks our blessings... "
George W. Bush 12/10/2004 Ft. Belvoir, VA
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GOP Senator David "Family Values" Vitter apologized after admitting that he frequented hookers. Shocking, isn't it? A Republican getting laid by an adult heterosexual, I mean.
Atlanta Falcon quarterback Michael Vick has been charged with breeding pit bulls and executing those that failed to pass muster by gunshot, strangulation or electrocution. On a brighter note, Bob Barker's season box at Atlanta Stadium is up for sale----cheap.
New York cabs will sprout fins to promote the Discovery Channel's "Shark Week." Much like they flashed red lights during "Hooker Week."
Celeb photog Annie Leibovitz got an icy reaction from Queen Elizabeth II when she asked her to remove her tiara during a portrait shoot. Compounding Her Majesty's embarrassment, she was sitting on the throne at the time.
Osama bin Laden's son, Omar, has taken a bride. But hold the gifts. Bush and his intel brain trust can't find him, either.
O.J. Simpson celebrated his 60th birthday at a small party among friends who reported that he cut the cake himself----after sneaking up on it from behind.
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. On July 26, he'll be reading a chapter from his book "On The Road With Bob Hope." Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" is amassing record grosses but many longtime fans are disappointed to find that Harry's arch enemies in this one are Penn and Teller.
Housing is scarce as miners converge on eastern Arizona where a mother lode of copper has been discovered. It's so bad, the working girls are working out of a local Jiffy Lube.
The National Rifle Association successfully defeated a bill that would have granted cities access to federal gun-owner data. Whew... let this one slip by and pretty soon you've got mental defectives with nothing to hunt with.
______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
Said Homeland Security honcho Michael Chertoff: "Just because terrorists adjust and morph despite our efforts to defeat them doesn't mean they're smarter than we are." Yes it does, Mike. Trust me.
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For the first time, Wal Mart will sell religious toys. Expected to fly off the shelves:
1) The Darwin Dartboard from Mattel.
2) Price-Fischer's "Let's Bugger an Altar Boy" that comes with an anatomically correct action figure of Cardinal Rog "Stonewall" Mahoney.
3) Blessed Virgin Mary Ring Toss (miraculous rings extra)
4) Lourdes Holy Water Super Soaker
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After undergoing extensive refurbishing, the Statue of Liberty's crown has been reopened to the public. In a related story, Liz's crown has been reopened to Annie Leibowitz.
Pope Benedict XVI will travel to New York to address the UN. Mayor Bloomberg has already ordered extra security around all the city's boy's clubs.
Louisiana has become the last state to ban cockfighting. Well, there goes Michael Vick's plan to move there.
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"In other words, I don't think people ought to be compelled to make the decision which they think is best for their family."
George W. Bush 12/15/2003 Washington, DC
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Absolut has introduced a new mango-black pepper flavored vodka to honor New Orleans. If it catches on, next they'll honor Kansas City with a stockyard/slaughter house version.
Britney Spears bought a dog in a Beverly Hills pet shop for $3,000. But it's dead already. She made the mistake of letting Michael Vick pet it.
A court in Tennessee awarded damages to students caught on a security video camera in their high school locker room. Even better news, they've all been signed for the next "College Girls Go Wild" video.
The Senate postponed voting on a bill that would put tobacco under FDA jurisdiction. One of the senators accidentally sat on the tobacco executive in his back pocket and the putrid smell quickly cleared the room.
The US has raised the reward for the capture of Osama bin Laden to $50 million. Even more enticing, Howie Mandel has agreed to inflate a condom on his head before handing over the dough.
A portrait by Renaissance painter Raphael sold at auction in London for a record $37.2 million. Later withdrawn when art experts determined that the signature was that of Sally Jesse Raphael.
Snoop Dogg is being tried in Los Angeles for possession of an illegal martial arts baton found in his luggage at LAX. The one he carries to fight off Michael Vick.
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
Homeland Security honcho Chertoff claims to have a "gut feeling" a terrorist attack is imminent. And, as one would expect from such an unqualified nitwit, has raised the threat level from "Tagamet" to "Maalox."
The Army, struggling to meet its June recruitment goal, lowered the bar yet again and accepted convicted felons. May not mean much to you, but Scooter Libby is ecstatic.
Manuel Noriega is scheduled to be released from prison in September. What more could the Army ask for? He'll even provide his own uniform.
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"We're spending money on clean coal technology. Do you realize we've got 250 million years of coal?
George W. Bush 6/13/2001 Washington DC
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Hamburg, Germany is planning a memorial honoring the birthplace of the Beatles. Not to be outdone, Tokyo will honor the spot where Yoko Ono first tried to break them up.
Believed to be the first evidence of Mexican food, five perfectly preserved, pre-Columbian chili peppers were found in a southern Mexico cave. With their "Taco Bell" wrappers still around them.
Victor Willis, the cop with the 80's group "The Village People" who popularized "In the Navy" and "YMCA," is planning a worldwide tour in which he'll come on stage riding his motorcycle. He even has an opening act if Milli can talk Vanilli into reuniting.
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
Responding to dismal second quarter sales figures, Liz Claiborne will cut 800 jobs. Even worse, she's slashing 1600 pounds of runway models----almost all 20 of them.
Six members of Chile's Olympic soccer team are charged with trashing their Puerto Ordaz, Venuzuela hotel room. On a positive training note however, they dropped kicked their plasma TV through the 25th story window without hitting the sill.
The frozen remains of a young wooly mammoth believed to be 10,000 years old was found in northern Siberia. Paleontologists theorize it was fatally injured during the popular Neanderthal annual celebration, the "Running of the Mammoths."
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"No question the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that."
George W. Bush 3/22/2006 Washington, DC
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A global poll of 100 million voters chose new "Wonders of the World" including the Roman Coliseum, Taj Mahal and Rio's Christ the Redeemer statue. Barely missing the cut were the Ronal Reagan Museum, Caesar's Palace Hotel & Casino and Rosie O'Donnell.
Rejecting settlement offers of close to $1 billion, plaintiff's in LA's pedophile priest cases have opted to proceed to trial. The noose slowly tightening around his neck, Cardinal "Stonewall" Mahoney is rumored to be seeking legal advice from Phil Spector.
Merriam-Webster has added 100 new words to its Collegiate Dictionary including "Bollywood----the Indian film industry, "sudoku"----a popular number puzzle and "IED"----improvised explosive device. Barely escaping inclusion were "hasselhoffing"----the act of eating a cheeseburger and "rove"----to cause unimaginable harm without personal accountability.
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PST. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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Civilian contractors now outnumber US troops in Iraq. Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the term "can't buy a victory" doesn't it? If you can't support our troops, will you at least support our contractors?
McCain visits Iraq, meets with Iraqi prime minister and coalition military leaders. But despite the senator's best efforts, they still think the war was a mistake.
All but broke, McCain has canned between 50 and 100 staffers. Rumors persist that he's privately asked Bush to cummute his campaign.
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"You're free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it will take time to restore chaos and order----order out of chaos. But we will."
George W. Bush 4/13/2003 Washington, DC
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After commuting Liddy's prison sentence, Bush says he hasn't ruled out a full pardon. And not just for Liddy----he may include Ann Coulter, too.
Those terrorist plots in London and Glasgow involved doctors and medical students. Authorities now believe they may have been in training for employment with HMO's.
Bill Clinton flew to Ohio to lend Hil his fund-raising skills. But it wasn't easy. She had to outbid Obama and Dennis Kucinich.
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has admitted having an affair with a Telemundo anchor gal. LA is getting more like San Francisco all the time.
Corporate giant Blackstone Group has agreed to buy Hilton Hotel Corp. for $26 billion. The announcement was delayed so as not to conflict with Paris's release from stir.
Negotiations to avert a strike of Los Angeles supermarket workers have broken down. Problem seems to be management's rule limiting checkout clerks to fourteen demands or fewer.
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FREE MEMBERSHIP:
P: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
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The Swiss boat Alinghi defeated New Zealand's boat to capture the America's Cup. The Aucklanders cried foul when they learned that three Swiss crewmen are bodyguards for the pope who christened the Alinghi with holy water from Lourdes.
June auto sales for General Motors fell 21.7% while Nissan's were up 22%. The USS Missouri is being taken out of mothballs for the formal surrender ceremony.
A Navy commander at Annapolis is charged with taping a porn video using cadets and their girlfriends. The video was to be called "Debbie Does the USS Dallas."
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PST. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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The Harlem Globetrotters have signed China's 7ft. 9 in. Sun Ming Ming. He'll be disassembled and shipped to the US in sections.
Michael Jackson is shopping for a vacation home on Maryland's posh Eastern Shores. Preferably near a school, day care center, Boy Scout clubhouse or Little League ballfield.
Al Gore's son, Al III, was arrested in Anaheim, CA and charged with speeding after being clocked driving 37 mph over the speed limit. But after a recount, police awarded the arrest to Jenna Bush.
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"We discussed the way forward in Iraq, discussed the importance of a democracy in the greater Middle East in order to leave behind a peaceful tomorrow."
George W. Bush 5/10/2005 Tbilisi, Georgia
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An Army National Guard spokesman credits improved recruiting stats to "more visits to high schools, NASCAR races and shopping malls." Not to mention trailer parks, tattoo parlors, pool halls, bowling alleys, truck pulls, demolition derbies, wrestling matches and lines waiting to get into "The Jerry Springer Show."
Last year, consumers spent $2.8 billion on fragrances named after celebrities. Most popular was Paris Hilton's "Holding Cell" for women and David Hasselhoff's "Cheeseburger" for men.
Reversing itself for the first time in over 60 years, the Supreme Court has agreed to reconsider the constitutionality of detaining terrorist suspects at Guantanamo. Most likely to shut it down before Rumsfeld, Chaney and Rice face a war crimes trial.
In a clear rebuke of US policy toward Israel, a Palestinian TV children's show killed off a Mickey Mouse lookalike. Worse, the deed was done by a Phil Spector lookalike.
The Chinese government has passed strict laws allowing Chinese factory workers to join unions. Executives at WalMart had no comment.
_______________________________________
Catch Bob's weekly radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews from leading print media sources including The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times and USA Today. The show airs on-line Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PST. Hear it all on LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service----24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network.
www.larrs.org password: intelligence
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Archeologists have concluded that cats were first domesticated about 10,000 years ago. Strongest evidence: a 10,000 year old couch with shredded arms.
Michael Moore's "Sicko" turns up the heat on the sorry state of medical care in the US. Not surprisingly, Mike's HMO just notified him that his coverage isn't as permanente as he thought it was.
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"You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
George W.Bush 2/21/2001 Townsend, TN
_______________________________________
FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
_______________________________________
Pope Benedict XVI has reinstated the 16th century Tridentine Mass. Which he promises will provide the faithful with a wider selection of ecclesiastical mumbo and greatly updated litergical jumbo.
A disappointing "Evan Almighty" which cost about $160 million, opened to a paltry $31.2 million. Ted Haggart reportedly has asked to be removed from the credits as "Biblical Gay Reference Consultant."
The American bald eagle has been removed from the Endangered Species List. Except, of course, the one on the presidential seal.
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"I've coined new words, like 'misunderstanding' and 'Hispanically'."
George W. Bush 3/29/2001 Washington, DC
_______________________________________
Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
"Oceans Thirteen" boasts high-tech gagetry, sumptuous sets and witty banter but can't overcome Ellen Barkin's femme fatale which is so un-fatale she's rumored to be searching for another rich guy to marry.
Mel Brooks' "Young Frankenstein," opening on Broadway in November, will top out at $450 a ticket. But in all fairness to Mel, that includes a tank of gas to help you get to the Helen Hayes.
An aerial survey shows that a 2-mile fence along the US-Mexican border is ten feet into Mexico----will take $3.5 million to correct. On the plus side, the project will employ 750,000 illegal immigrants.
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
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