(THEME UP: Organ plays "Flight of the Valkyries" by Wagner)
(EXT. YUKON TERRITORY. As a snowstorm
rages, a dog sled approaching in the distance
plows toward us through banks of freshly-fallen
snow. We make out a Mountie in uniform driving
the dogs, her faithful husky "Stub" by her side.)
ANNOUNCER
(V.O.) Gather 'round, kiddies! It's time once again
for another action-packed episode of...
"SERGEANT PALIN OF THE YUKON"!
(Music fades)
When we left her last time, Sgt. Palin had to
interrupt her ongoing investigation of Ted
"Ca-Ching" Stevens, manager of the General
Store, whom she suspects is bilking innocent
trappers out of their hard-earned pelt profits.
She had received an emergency message by
carrier-eagle that her boss, Chief Inspector
McCann, was about to pay a surprise visit.
We join her now as she awaits his arrival...
(CUT TO: INT. LOG CABIN. Typical
Yukon decorator touches: hanging on the
walls are snow shoes, ice skates, skis, poles,
iron traps, a sled, beaver pelts, etc. We find
Sgt. Palin lounging on the couch. She wears an
Armani apre ski outfit with sergeant stripes on
the sleeve. Stub naps on the polar bearskin rug
in front of the fireplace. Palin finishes her beer,
crushes the can and adds it to the pile of
empties. She tosses another log on the fire
and, adjusting its rabbit ears, snaps on the TV.)
(SFX: Theme from "Saturday Night Live.")
PALIN
(studies screen) Will you look at that, Stub?
Tina Fey is still doing me. I wish she'd move on
to Carolyn Kennedy. (turns TV off)
(SFX: Knock on the door.)
PALIN
(Yells) Hold your mukluks! I'm coming!
(She opens the door and a blizzard of
snow blows in. From the billow of
white, Inspector Ian McCann, an elderly,
white-haired civil servant obviously
several years past retirement age,
emerges. He stamps his feet to dislodge
the ice from his boots and brushes
snowflakes off of his down parka.
Palin snaps to attention and salutes.)
PALIN
Welcome, sir! I'm pleased as punch that a man of
your busyness would see fit to visit my humble --
McCANN
Oh, stow it, Sergeant. I don't have much time.
My rental sleigh is double-parked.
(She takes his coat and he moves to the
fireplace to warm his fingers.)
McCANN
Do you know that the bridge outside town
is out?
PALIN
Yeah, but we don't worry about it. Bridges
up here never go anywhere.
McCANN
I suppose you know why I've come.
PALIN
(Excited) Wait! Let me guess. To give me a
citation for exposing Exxon, Shell and Mobile
for failing to drill offshore?
McCANN
No.
PALIN
Oh, then I must be getting a promotion
for charging that school marm with felony
failure to teach intelligent design.
McCANN
No again. (Removes papers from his pocket)
HQ has sent me these... uh... inquiries.
PALIN
Inquiries? What are --
McCANN
They're written questions. They want to know
how you managed to exceed your department
uniform allowance by a hundred and fifty-thousand
dollars.
PALIN
I can explain that. I needed the clothes for a
special assignment. Besides, I didn't keep the
uniforms. I gave them back. (pause) Well, I
didn't give them back exactly... I donated them.
McCANN
Donated them? Who to?
PALIN
Ann Coulter. See, her new book hasn't been
selling and I thought --
McCANN
You thought. You thought. (reads) How about this?
Six thousand dollars for a pair of designer eyeglasses.
Where do you shop, "Lens Shafters?"
PALIN
Eye wear is more expensive up here. They have to
carve the frames out of moose antler.
McCANN
And I suppose you can explain spending twenty
thousand dollars for magazine subscriptions?
(reads) "Trailer Park Life"? "Bride and Shotgun
Groom"? "Turkey Slaughterhouse Monthly"?
"Assault Rifle Aficionado"?
PALIN
I had a lot of back issues to catch up on.
McCANN
Tell me, Palin, do you think it'll be easy to convince
HQ that you actually needed all this stuff?
PALIN
Why not? You convinced them that you needed
thirteen houses.
McCANN
Well... now that you put it that way. Maybe I
could put in a word --
PALIN
That's the spirit, Chief. I knew you'd back me up.
McCANN
(moves to telescope near window) But tell me, Palin,
can you really see Russia from here?
PALIN
Are you kidding? I just said that to get Katie Courier
off my back.
McCANN
(points to telescope) Then why do you need this?
PALIN
To spy on my next door neighbor. He's a liberal
and I think he's considering a run for Congress.
McCANN
(pats her on the back) Good work, Sergeant! (beat)
And you do know that Africa's a continent, don't
you?
PALIN
Of course. (beat) Like China.
(On McCann's look, we:)
(FREEZE FRAME)
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next time when we'll hear
Sgt Palin say (Palin V.O.) ... "Chief, would you like to
learn how to draw and quarter a moose?" Next time on
"SERGEANT PALIN OF THE YUKON"!
(FADE OUT)
To be continued...
_____________________________
[][][] In the Spring of 1974, two farmers in XiYang, China were digging a well and discovered pottery fragments that archeologists later determined were 2200 years old. Further excavation revealed the burial site of the Qin and Han Dynasty mauseleums containing (at a depth of 20 feet) 8,000 life size pottery warriors and horses arrayed in battle formation. So far, 10,000 weapons including brass, bronze and nickel daggers, spears and cross-bows have been recovered. You can view these statues and artifacts in full-screen photographs taken in June, 2007 by the author at the Terra Cotta Museum, China's largest on-site museum. To view the photos and the accompanying commentary, go to:
www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
_____________________________
(EXT. YUKON TERRITORY. As a snowstorm
rages, a dog sled approaching in the distance
plows toward us through banks of freshly-fallen
snow. We make out a Mountie in uniform driving
the dogs, her faithful husky "Stub" by her side.)
ANNOUNCER
(V.O.) Gather 'round, kiddies! It's time once again
for another action-packed episode of...
"SERGEANT PALIN OF THE YUKON"!
(Music fades)
When we left her last time, Sgt. Palin had to
interrupt her ongoing investigation of Ted
"Ca-Ching" Stevens, manager of the General
Store, whom she suspects is bilking innocent
trappers out of their hard-earned pelt profits.
She had received an emergency message by
carrier-eagle that her boss, Chief Inspector
McCann, was about to pay a surprise visit.
We join her now as she awaits his arrival...
(CUT TO: INT. LOG CABIN. Typical
Yukon decorator touches: hanging on the
walls are snow shoes, ice skates, skis, poles,
iron traps, a sled, beaver pelts, etc. We find
Sgt. Palin lounging on the couch. She wears an
Armani apre ski outfit with sergeant stripes on
the sleeve. Stub naps on the polar bearskin rug
in front of the fireplace. Palin finishes her beer,
crushes the can and adds it to the pile of
empties. She tosses another log on the fire
and, adjusting its rabbit ears, snaps on the TV.)
(SFX: Theme from "Saturday Night Live.")
PALIN
(studies screen) Will you look at that, Stub?
Tina Fey is still doing me. I wish she'd move on
to Carolyn Kennedy. (turns TV off)
(SFX: Knock on the door.)
PALIN
(Yells) Hold your mukluks! I'm coming!
(She opens the door and a blizzard of
snow blows in. From the billow of
white, Inspector Ian McCann, an elderly,
white-haired civil servant obviously
several years past retirement age,
emerges. He stamps his feet to dislodge
the ice from his boots and brushes
snowflakes off of his down parka.
Palin snaps to attention and salutes.)
PALIN
Welcome, sir! I'm pleased as punch that a man of
your busyness would see fit to visit my humble --
McCANN
Oh, stow it, Sergeant. I don't have much time.
My rental sleigh is double-parked.
(She takes his coat and he moves to the
fireplace to warm his fingers.)
McCANN
Do you know that the bridge outside town
is out?
PALIN
Yeah, but we don't worry about it. Bridges
up here never go anywhere.
McCANN
I suppose you know why I've come.
PALIN
(Excited) Wait! Let me guess. To give me a
citation for exposing Exxon, Shell and Mobile
for failing to drill offshore?
McCANN
No.
PALIN
Oh, then I must be getting a promotion
for charging that school marm with felony
failure to teach intelligent design.
McCANN
No again. (Removes papers from his pocket)
HQ has sent me these... uh... inquiries.
PALIN
Inquiries? What are --
McCANN
They're written questions. They want to know
how you managed to exceed your department
uniform allowance by a hundred and fifty-thousand
dollars.
PALIN
I can explain that. I needed the clothes for a
special assignment. Besides, I didn't keep the
uniforms. I gave them back. (pause) Well, I
didn't give them back exactly... I donated them.
McCANN
Donated them? Who to?
PALIN
Ann Coulter. See, her new book hasn't been
selling and I thought --
McCANN
You thought. You thought. (reads) How about this?
Six thousand dollars for a pair of designer eyeglasses.
Where do you shop, "Lens Shafters?"
PALIN
Eye wear is more expensive up here. They have to
carve the frames out of moose antler.
McCANN
And I suppose you can explain spending twenty
thousand dollars for magazine subscriptions?
(reads) "Trailer Park Life"? "Bride and Shotgun
Groom"? "Turkey Slaughterhouse Monthly"?
"Assault Rifle Aficionado"?
PALIN
I had a lot of back issues to catch up on.
McCANN
Tell me, Palin, do you think it'll be easy to convince
HQ that you actually needed all this stuff?
PALIN
Why not? You convinced them that you needed
thirteen houses.
McCANN
Well... now that you put it that way. Maybe I
could put in a word --
PALIN
That's the spirit, Chief. I knew you'd back me up.
McCANN
(moves to telescope near window) But tell me, Palin,
can you really see Russia from here?
PALIN
Are you kidding? I just said that to get Katie Courier
off my back.
McCANN
(points to telescope) Then why do you need this?
PALIN
To spy on my next door neighbor. He's a liberal
and I think he's considering a run for Congress.
McCANN
(pats her on the back) Good work, Sergeant! (beat)
And you do know that Africa's a continent, don't
you?
PALIN
Of course. (beat) Like China.
(On McCann's look, we:)
(FREEZE FRAME)
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next time when we'll hear
Sgt Palin say (Palin V.O.) ... "Chief, would you like to
learn how to draw and quarter a moose?" Next time on
"SERGEANT PALIN OF THE YUKON"!
(FADE OUT)
To be continued...
_____________________________
[][][] In the Spring of 1974, two farmers in XiYang, China were digging a well and discovered pottery fragments that archeologists later determined were 2200 years old. Further excavation revealed the burial site of the Qin and Han Dynasty mauseleums containing (at a depth of 20 feet) 8,000 life size pottery warriors and horses arrayed in battle formation. So far, 10,000 weapons including brass, bronze and nickel daggers, spears and cross-bows have been recovered. You can view these statues and artifacts in full-screen photographs taken in June, 2007 by the author at the Terra Cotta Museum, China's largest on-site museum. To view the photos and the accompanying commentary, go to:
www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
_____________________________
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