For the third consecutive year, the 1950s ad-game serial “Mad Men” won an Emmy for Best Drama series. It’s debatable which group loves the show more, the Academy voters or the National Tobacco Institute.
Second only to China’s, India's economy grew at its fastest rate over the past two years according to a report from the India Reserve Bank. No official U.S. reaction yet, but Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke was spotted getting a red dot tattooed on his forehead.
According to a study conducted by the American Academy of Pediatrics, a quarter of U.S. teens have contacted a sexually transmitted disease. Hello! Restrict their text messaging and they’re going to find something to transmit.
In response to escalating tensions between North and South Korea, President Obama issued an executive order mandating new financial sanctions against North Korea that specifically target arms trade, luxury goods, drugs, and black market Margaret Cho CDs.
The INS will soon launch unmanned drone spotter planes to patrol
the U.S.-Mexico border between Corpus Christie, TX and El Centro, CA. The drones will attempt to detect drug smugglers, illegal aliens and luggage lost by Mexicana Airlines.
__________________________________________
FREE* AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
*If you agree to post a short review on Amazon.com
__________________________________________
A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
;
TUESDAY, August 31, 2010
A hurricane with 150 mph winds is zeroing in on the Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico. Meteorologists have named it “Hurricane Earl” -- not to be confused with 1992’s “Hurricane Earl Schieb” whose winds were so strong, they peeled the paint off cars.
Responding to continuing demands from the Christian Right to identify his religious faith, Barack Obama assured reporters that he is not a Muslim -- although he did admit that he kneels on a prayer rug several times a day while facing Malia.
Arrested recently for crashing his Maserati on a road near Malibu, Mel Gibson has been formally charged by the LA District Attorney with “reckless driving while texting passages from Mien Kampf and listening to a Wagnerian opera on his Blaupunkt.”
A Canadian auto-maker will soon market an electric-powered car with a body made of highly-compressed cannabis that’s said to be stronger and lighter than fiberglass. The most exciting feature is you can bake brownies in what used to be called the exhaust pipe.
As befits decades of marketing experience, McDonald's has successfully adapted to the massive egg recall due to an outbreak of salmonella. This week, they took the Egg McMuffin off the breakfast menu and put it on the seafood menu.
__________________________________________
FREE* AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
*If you agree to post a short review on Amazon.com
_____________________________________________________
Responding to continuing demands from the Christian Right to identify his religious faith, Barack Obama assured reporters that he is not a Muslim -- although he did admit that he kneels on a prayer rug several times a day while facing Malia.
Arrested recently for crashing his Maserati on a road near Malibu, Mel Gibson has been formally charged by the LA District Attorney with “reckless driving while texting passages from Mien Kampf and listening to a Wagnerian opera on his Blaupunkt.”
A Canadian auto-maker will soon market an electric-powered car with a body made of highly-compressed cannabis that’s said to be stronger and lighter than fiberglass. The most exciting feature is you can bake brownies in what used to be called the exhaust pipe.
As befits decades of marketing experience, McDonald's has successfully adapted to the massive egg recall due to an outbreak of salmonella. This week, they took the Egg McMuffin off the breakfast menu and put it on the seafood menu.
__________________________________________
FREE* AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
*If you agree to post a short review on Amazon.com
_____________________________________________________
MONDAY, August 30, 2010
Paris Hilton had to post bail over the weekend after she was arrested and booked in Las Vegas for cocaine possession. To her credit, she almost escaped detection until a couple of beat cops spotted her trying to inhale a donut through a rolled-up $50 bill.
The once proud “CBS Evening News,” founded by Walter Cronkite and now hosted by Katie Couric, posted its all-time lowest rating last week. So bad, when it was beamed down to those trapped miners, they turned it off.
Betty White has been signed to write her memoirs to be published in 2011. Industry insiders say she’ll blow the lid off the squeaky-clean image of the “Golden Girls” with proof that Rue McClanahan and Estelle Getty were dealing drugs to the cast of “Eight is Enough.”
According to court insiders, Elin Nordegen may have been awarded as much as $500,000,000 in her divorce from Tiger Woods. If that weren’t bad enough, the judge tacked on another five million when Tiger failed to sign his score card.
The NFL is considering a proposal to expand the football season to eighteen games. Vehemently opposed to the plan, the head of the players’ union countered with a suggestion they use instant replay, air game seventeen twice, and hope nobody notices.
__________________________________________
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
FRI, SAT, SUN, August 27, 28, 29, 2010
Following in the footsteps of his soon-to-be mother-in-law, Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. In fact, he's so confident he'll win, he already has his acceptance speech written on the palm of his hand.
The cover story of the inaugural issue of Eulogy Magazine which addresses the topic of death and dying salutes the Boy Scouts of America. Its members now earn merit badges by helping little old ladies cross over.
Airline industry analysts now concede that there were plenty of signs that cash-strapped Mexicana Airlines was going bankrupt. After they had to sell off all their ramps, passengers boarded by crawling up the emergency chute.
Last week, China officially passed Japan as the world's second richest nation. The land of the Rising Sun is reported to be totally humiliated -- now even Tibet can manufacture a car with brakes that don't fail going downhill.
The Little League World Series, being played this week in Williamsport, Pennsylvania, is a lot more like the major leagues than anyone imagined. Yesterday, three players were disqualified for using puberty-enhancing drugs.
Crowned in front of millions of TV viewers in 54 countries, the contestant from Mexico won this year's Miss Universe Pageant. On a less triumphant note, earlier in the day, Miss China was disqualified after testing positive for MSG.
__________________________________________
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical score by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
The cover story of the inaugural issue of Eulogy Magazine which addresses the topic of death and dying salutes the Boy Scouts of America. Its members now earn merit badges by helping little old ladies cross over.
Airline industry analysts now concede that there were plenty of signs that cash-strapped Mexicana Airlines was going bankrupt. After they had to sell off all their ramps, passengers boarded by crawling up the emergency chute.
Last week, China officially passed Japan as the world's second richest nation. The land of the Rising Sun is reported to be totally humiliated -- now even Tibet can manufacture a car with brakes that don't fail going downhill.
The Little League World Series, being played this week in Williamsport, Pennsylvania, is a lot more like the major leagues than anyone imagined. Yesterday, three players were disqualified for using puberty-enhancing drugs.
Crowned in front of millions of TV viewers in 54 countries, the contestant from Mexico won this year's Miss Universe Pageant. On a less triumphant note, earlier in the day, Miss China was disqualified after testing positive for MSG.
__________________________________________
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical score by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
THURSDAY, August 26, 2010
Promoting a “Save the Planet” campaign, Prince Charles urged British citizens to limit their morning shower to five minutes. Seems he’s forgotten what happened when Queen Victoria ordered Brits to limit their teeth-brushing to 10 seconds.
Aging rockers the Allman Brothers have announced another tour in the fall. Those boys have been around awhile. One of them was married to Cher so many face lifts ago, last month he almost married her again -- by mistake.
The Nevada State Legislature is considering a law that designates “Ne-vah-da” as the preferred pronunciation. Probably feeling guilty about the bill they just passed that adds “$3.99 Buffet” to the state seal.
The Postal Service is seeking a rate increase they claim is necessary to offset a $1 billion monthly deficit. They list among spiraling expenses gas for delivery vans, rising air cargo costs, and 750,000 canisters of pepper spray.
Former pro wrestling exec Linda McMahon is running for Connecticut’s GOP Senate seat. Should be a rough campaign. Every time she debates, husband Vince grabs the mike and screams “Let’s get ready to RUMMMMM-BLE…”
_________________________________________________
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
Aging rockers the Allman Brothers have announced another tour in the fall. Those boys have been around awhile. One of them was married to Cher so many face lifts ago, last month he almost married her again -- by mistake.
The Nevada State Legislature is considering a law that designates “Ne-vah-da” as the preferred pronunciation. Probably feeling guilty about the bill they just passed that adds “$3.99 Buffet” to the state seal.
The Postal Service is seeking a rate increase they claim is necessary to offset a $1 billion monthly deficit. They list among spiraling expenses gas for delivery vans, rising air cargo costs, and 750,000 canisters of pepper spray.
Former pro wrestling exec Linda McMahon is running for Connecticut’s GOP Senate seat. Should be a rough campaign. Every time she debates, husband Vince grabs the mike and screams “Let’s get ready to RUMMMMM-BLE…”
_________________________________________________
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
WEDNESDAY, August 25, 2010
According to the latest tabloid reports, Tiger Woods’ next wife will be Rachel Uchitel who, according to friends, fulfills his stringent requirements -- she’s blond, has a 38-inch bust and has never heard of a nine iron.
After complaints from church members, the owner of a strip club in Ohio met with the pastor of the nearby church to work out a compromise. From now on, the strippers will wear only Vatican-approved pasties and the annual Nativity Scene will include a pole.
Mexicana Airlines has filed for bankruptcy, citing aircraft fuel prices and plummeting ticket sales. No surprise there. So far this year, their First Class meal ratings have dropped from two ears and a tail to one ear.
After civil right groups protested her use of the N-word 13 times on her show, Dr. Laura announced that she’ll be retiring from radio when her contract expires at year’s end. On the plus side, her rant was included on a hip-hop album for which she’s now receiving royalties.
Amid cheering kids from the US, Japan, Puerto Rico and Panama, the Little League World Series has begun in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. Visitors are struck by how similar its become to the major leagues. Miley Cyrus is allowed to hang out with the players.
_________________________________________________
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
After complaints from church members, the owner of a strip club in Ohio met with the pastor of the nearby church to work out a compromise. From now on, the strippers will wear only Vatican-approved pasties and the annual Nativity Scene will include a pole.
Mexicana Airlines has filed for bankruptcy, citing aircraft fuel prices and plummeting ticket sales. No surprise there. So far this year, their First Class meal ratings have dropped from two ears and a tail to one ear.
After civil right groups protested her use of the N-word 13 times on her show, Dr. Laura announced that she’ll be retiring from radio when her contract expires at year’s end. On the plus side, her rant was included on a hip-hop album for which she’s now receiving royalties.
Amid cheering kids from the US, Japan, Puerto Rico and Panama, the Little League World Series has begun in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. Visitors are struck by how similar its become to the major leagues. Miley Cyrus is allowed to hang out with the players.
_________________________________________________
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
TUESDAY, August 24, 2010
In “Eat Pray Love,” Julia Roberts ditches her boyfriend to find her real soul mate and seeks guidance from a Holy Man in Bali. But things don’t look too encouraging at first -- the Holy Man keeps coming up with Lyle Lovett.
Former American League slugger Jose Canseco has signed on with the Texas League’s Laredo Broncos -- who are so grateful to have the 46-year old legend, they provided him with his own heated on-deck circle designed specifically for arthritics.
Corey Pavin, captain of the American Ryder Cup team, says he’ll invite Tiger Woods to join the team only if he snaps out of his current slump. “If the Open was any indication, right now he couldn’t win the Winona Ryder Cup.”
In a recent study of elementary school children, 70% of Texas students could not pass a rudimentary fitness test. In their defense though, they did show above-average hand-eye coordination while operating the butter pump at movie theater snack counters.
X-Box is releasing a karaoke game based on a sampling of hits from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Broadway musicals. Finally, an excuse to sing “Memory” without being arrested for causing a public nuisance.
_________________________________________________
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
Former American League slugger Jose Canseco has signed on with the Texas League’s Laredo Broncos -- who are so grateful to have the 46-year old legend, they provided him with his own heated on-deck circle designed specifically for arthritics.
Corey Pavin, captain of the American Ryder Cup team, says he’ll invite Tiger Woods to join the team only if he snaps out of his current slump. “If the Open was any indication, right now he couldn’t win the Winona Ryder Cup.”
In a recent study of elementary school children, 70% of Texas students could not pass a rudimentary fitness test. In their defense though, they did show above-average hand-eye coordination while operating the butter pump at movie theater snack counters.
X-Box is releasing a karaoke game based on a sampling of hits from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Broadway musicals. Finally, an excuse to sing “Memory” without being arrested for causing a public nuisance.
_________________________________________________
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
MONDAY, August 23, 2010
A group of Young Republicans is demanding that Disney reverse their recent theme park price increases. Calling themselves the “Teacup Party,” they also claim to have evidence that Mickey is not an American citizen.
According to McAfee, Web surfers seeking information on Cameron Diaz face a 10% chance of contracting a virus or other form of malware. Those who search for Kate Hudson face a 96.4% chance of being referred to the official web page of the New York Yankees.
Former diamond idol Roger Clemens has been charged with obstruction of justice in baseball’s 2008 performance-enhancement drug scandal. Two counts of grand larceny for stealing a base in a 1983 playoff game were dropped for lack of evidence.
In Texas, a former Miss USA was arrested for shoplifting items from the cosmetics counter of a Target store. Witnesses told police that she attempted to distract the clerk by reenacting her pageant-winning “flaming baton” routine.
Belgium, whose one cat per 10 people makes it the world‘s feline capital, has vowed to sterilize all cats by 2016. By law, cat food sold in Brussels must contain what vets have nicknamed “morning-after-night-on-the-back-fence pills.”
_________________________________________________
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
According to McAfee, Web surfers seeking information on Cameron Diaz face a 10% chance of contracting a virus or other form of malware. Those who search for Kate Hudson face a 96.4% chance of being referred to the official web page of the New York Yankees.
Former diamond idol Roger Clemens has been charged with obstruction of justice in baseball’s 2008 performance-enhancement drug scandal. Two counts of grand larceny for stealing a base in a 1983 playoff game were dropped for lack of evidence.
In Texas, a former Miss USA was arrested for shoplifting items from the cosmetics counter of a Target store. Witnesses told police that she attempted to distract the clerk by reenacting her pageant-winning “flaming baton” routine.
Belgium, whose one cat per 10 people makes it the world‘s feline capital, has vowed to sterilize all cats by 2016. By law, cat food sold in Brussels must contain what vets have nicknamed “morning-after-night-on-the-back-fence pills.”
_________________________________________________
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
FRI, SAT, SUN, August 20, 21, 22
LAFFS From The PAST From our issue dated August 22-23, 2000
_________________________________________________
Fifty two teachers from five states paid bribes to the Educational Testing Service exam monitors for help completing their certification tests. Which states? Here's a hint. Think "L'il Abner."
Simpson Dream Team coach F. Lee Bailey faces impeachment and jail for failing to pay $700,000 in legal fees he bilked from a client. The court rejected his request to accept a slightly used Heisman Trophy as collateral.
Amid the protests of Robert Ballard, the man who located the Titanic, divers are gathering artifacts and passengers' personal items from the ocean floor to display in a museum. Many of the divers gained valuable experience trying to salvage the career of Kevin Costner after "Waterworld."
Unable to keep up the demand for more classrooms, school districts nationwide are resorting to vacant shopping malls to handle the student surplus . The kids love it. The cafeteria is now called the "food court."
First Warner Bros. gave us "Space Cowboys" starring Clint Eastwood, Jim Garner, Tommy Lee Jones and Donald Southerland and now Touchstone has released "The Crew" starring Burt Reynolds and Richard Dreyfuss as aging wiseguys. They're a double bill at three Hollywood Theaters: the Viagra, the Insure and the Palmetto.
Instead of envelopes, the winning rappers at this year's Hip Hop Awards airing August 29 on UPN will be sent to the stage via pagers. And if they remain true to character, the winners will shoot the losers.
Maxwell Smart's shoe phone, Emma Peel's leather pants, and Austin Powers' glasses are among the exhibits of "spy-fi" material from TV and movies now on display for security cleared guests at the CIA's headquarters in Langley, VA. Also included is a pair of gold lame pumps once worn by J. Edgar Hoover to a birthday party for Judy Garland.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Mrs. Karl Marx who reportedly said, "Who's gonna buy a manifesto? Why don't you write a screenplay?"
Also, I leave you with the immortal words of Humpty Dumpty who was overheard telling Mrs. Dumpty, "If anyone calls, I'll be in the backyard sitting on the wall."
_________________________________________________
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
_________________________________________________
Fifty two teachers from five states paid bribes to the Educational Testing Service exam monitors for help completing their certification tests. Which states? Here's a hint. Think "L'il Abner."
Simpson Dream Team coach F. Lee Bailey faces impeachment and jail for failing to pay $700,000 in legal fees he bilked from a client. The court rejected his request to accept a slightly used Heisman Trophy as collateral.
Amid the protests of Robert Ballard, the man who located the Titanic, divers are gathering artifacts and passengers' personal items from the ocean floor to display in a museum. Many of the divers gained valuable experience trying to salvage the career of Kevin Costner after "Waterworld."
Unable to keep up the demand for more classrooms, school districts nationwide are resorting to vacant shopping malls to handle the student surplus . The kids love it. The cafeteria is now called the "food court."
First Warner Bros. gave us "Space Cowboys" starring Clint Eastwood, Jim Garner, Tommy Lee Jones and Donald Southerland and now Touchstone has released "The Crew" starring Burt Reynolds and Richard Dreyfuss as aging wiseguys. They're a double bill at three Hollywood Theaters: the Viagra, the Insure and the Palmetto.
Instead of envelopes, the winning rappers at this year's Hip Hop Awards airing August 29 on UPN will be sent to the stage via pagers. And if they remain true to character, the winners will shoot the losers.
Maxwell Smart's shoe phone, Emma Peel's leather pants, and Austin Powers' glasses are among the exhibits of "spy-fi" material from TV and movies now on display for security cleared guests at the CIA's headquarters in Langley, VA. Also included is a pair of gold lame pumps once worn by J. Edgar Hoover to a birthday party for Judy Garland.
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Mrs. Karl Marx who reportedly said, "Who's gonna buy a manifesto? Why don't you write a screenplay?"
Also, I leave you with the immortal words of Humpty Dumpty who was overheard telling Mrs. Dumpty, "If anyone calls, I'll be in the backyard sitting on the wall."
_________________________________________________
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
THURSDAY, August 19, 2010
In Julia Roberts’ new romantic comedy “Eat Pray Love,” Julia finds happiness by following the advice of a toothless guru. Plans are already underway for a sequel to be called “Eat Pray Love Get Guru Dentures.“
Olympics officials in London announced that BP will be retained as an official sponsor of the 2012 Games. There will be a change in the official logo, though -- an oil-soaked pelican perched on one of the five gold rings.
After repeated warnings, twenty-eight Turkish Airlines flight attendants were suspended without pay for exceeding company weight restrictions. Officials realized they had problem when passengers began referring to the middle aisle as “Kirstie Alley.”
Government explosive experts warn that al-Qaeda has developed a deadly bomb whose ingredients include hydrogen peroxide. Already they’re being used to arm roadside IEDRs -- Improvised Explosive Dark Roots.
Mexico’s attempt to turn soaring drug cartel murder rates into a tourist attraction seems to be paying off. Religious pilgrims are flocking to worship at the statue of Our Lady of Guadelupe in Mexico City’s new Plaza de Flack Jacket.
New medical data shows that baseball great Lou Gehrig may not have died from Lou Gehrig’s Disease, but from numerous brain concussions sustained on the field. In a related study, researchers now believe that Elvis may have succumbed to an overdose of deep fried peanut butter sandwiches.
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
Olympics officials in London announced that BP will be retained as an official sponsor of the 2012 Games. There will be a change in the official logo, though -- an oil-soaked pelican perched on one of the five gold rings.
After repeated warnings, twenty-eight Turkish Airlines flight attendants were suspended without pay for exceeding company weight restrictions. Officials realized they had problem when passengers began referring to the middle aisle as “Kirstie Alley.”
Government explosive experts warn that al-Qaeda has developed a deadly bomb whose ingredients include hydrogen peroxide. Already they’re being used to arm roadside IEDRs -- Improvised Explosive Dark Roots.
Mexico’s attempt to turn soaring drug cartel murder rates into a tourist attraction seems to be paying off. Religious pilgrims are flocking to worship at the statue of Our Lady of Guadelupe in Mexico City’s new Plaza de Flack Jacket.
New medical data shows that baseball great Lou Gehrig may not have died from Lou Gehrig’s Disease, but from numerous brain concussions sustained on the field. In a related study, researchers now believe that Elvis may have succumbed to an overdose of deep fried peanut butter sandwiches.
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
WEDNESDAY, August 18, 2010
Evidence has surfaced that TSA retained thousands of negatives from airport body scanners. Officials began an investigation after an employee at LAX was videotaped selling an autographed Kim Kardashian proof set from the trunk of his car.
While talking on her cell phone, a woman in Antioch, California drove down a boat ramp into the Sacramento River. Luckily, she was using Nokia’s new “Aqua-Master 500” from Verizon so there was no interruption in service.
Internet use in Russia has increased 24% this year with 43.3 million web surfers -- prompting Microsoft’s Bill Gates to exclaim during a recent speech “Mr. Putin, tear down this firewall!”
A priest in Wisconsin was issued a cease and desist order by Best Buy for driving a Volkswagen beetle with “The God Squad” painted on it in the style of “The Geek Squad.” But not before he’d installed three home theater systems that play only “The Last Temptation of Christ.”
To save on books and paper, students entering Stanford Medical School will be issued free I-Pads. They come with a pre-programmed message that says “Take two aspirins and call me in the morning.”
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
While talking on her cell phone, a woman in Antioch, California drove down a boat ramp into the Sacramento River. Luckily, she was using Nokia’s new “Aqua-Master 500” from Verizon so there was no interruption in service.
Internet use in Russia has increased 24% this year with 43.3 million web surfers -- prompting Microsoft’s Bill Gates to exclaim during a recent speech “Mr. Putin, tear down this firewall!”
A priest in Wisconsin was issued a cease and desist order by Best Buy for driving a Volkswagen beetle with “The God Squad” painted on it in the style of “The Geek Squad.” But not before he’d installed three home theater systems that play only “The Last Temptation of Christ.”
To save on books and paper, students entering Stanford Medical School will be issued free I-Pads. They come with a pre-programmed message that says “Take two aspirins and call me in the morning.”
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
TUESDAY, August 17, 2010
French scientists recently determined that champagne should be poured down the side of the glass like beer to preserve its flavor and effervescence. Watch for a new ad slogan: “It’s Dom Perignon time!”
According to a report issued by the U.S. Inspector General, there are now 854,000 employees of the federal government who have been issued a top-secret intelligence clearance. As for actual intelligence, estimates range between 57 and 73 -- and 24 of those are “iffy.”
A Swedish motorist driving a Mercedes SLS AMG was fined $1 million, believed to be the largest fine ever assessed, for being clocked at 180 miles per hour. But it gets even worse -- he also owed $127 in unpaid parking tickets.
During the past two years, according to the FAA, the U.S. airline industry has lost 56,000 employees -- 38% were laid off, 27 % retired, and 65% disappeared down the emergency escape chute.
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has a role in the weekend’s box office winner “The Expendables.” Not to be confused with the sequel in which he’ll play an over-the-hill super-hero with incontinence issues called “The Depenables.”
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
According to a report issued by the U.S. Inspector General, there are now 854,000 employees of the federal government who have been issued a top-secret intelligence clearance. As for actual intelligence, estimates range between 57 and 73 -- and 24 of those are “iffy.”
A Swedish motorist driving a Mercedes SLS AMG was fined $1 million, believed to be the largest fine ever assessed, for being clocked at 180 miles per hour. But it gets even worse -- he also owed $127 in unpaid parking tickets.
During the past two years, according to the FAA, the U.S. airline industry has lost 56,000 employees -- 38% were laid off, 27 % retired, and 65% disappeared down the emergency escape chute.
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has a role in the weekend’s box office winner “The Expendables.” Not to be confused with the sequel in which he’ll play an over-the-hill super-hero with incontinence issues called “The Depenables.”
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
MONDAY, August 16, 2010
India’s ancient sex manual, the Kama Sutra, has been published for the first time in an audio version. Microsoft is using it to replace their background music while you’re waiting for the next available tech support professional.
A woman suing her husband for divorce told an Ohio judge that she discovered his adultery while exploring Facebook. Meanwhile the husband has reportedly started an alternative to Facebook he calls FaceTheMusicBook.
Despite recent breakthroughs in orthopedic surgery, only about a third of NFL players who undergo knee surgery ever return to the field. Most of the others receive a “Namath implant,” a device that enables them to appear to move normally in TV commercials.
Kate Moss will become the first supermodel to produce her own brand of jams and jellies. In a related story, the makers of Mothers Cookies are negotiating a merger with Smuckers Jam but so far, they can’t agree on whose name should go first.
Columbia Pictures has revealed that the original script of “The Other Guys” about two bumbling New York cops had to be rewritten after they decided no one would believe a plot where the cops expose a whoring governor and a late-night talk show host abusing female staffers.
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
A woman suing her husband for divorce told an Ohio judge that she discovered his adultery while exploring Facebook. Meanwhile the husband has reportedly started an alternative to Facebook he calls FaceTheMusicBook.
Despite recent breakthroughs in orthopedic surgery, only about a third of NFL players who undergo knee surgery ever return to the field. Most of the others receive a “Namath implant,” a device that enables them to appear to move normally in TV commercials.
Kate Moss will become the first supermodel to produce her own brand of jams and jellies. In a related story, the makers of Mothers Cookies are negotiating a merger with Smuckers Jam but so far, they can’t agree on whose name should go first.
Columbia Pictures has revealed that the original script of “The Other Guys” about two bumbling New York cops had to be rewritten after they decided no one would believe a plot where the cops expose a whoring governor and a late-night talk show host abusing female staffers.
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
FRI, SAT, SUN, August 13, 14, 15
LAFFS From The PAST From our issue dated August 16, 2000
IT HAPPENED THIS WEEK -- In 1939, the MGM musical, "The Wizard of Oz" premiered at Grauman's Chinese theater in Hollywood. And during the cast party which followed, Judy Garland was rushed to the hospital with an impacted Munchkin.
I GOT YOU, BABE -- Cher told Larry King that voting Democratic would make every American as successful as she is. With multiple face-lifts and tummy tucks covered by Medicare.
VITAL ROLE -- California Governor Gray Davis says he'll campaign actively for Al Gore. Actually, he'll just stand beside Al to make him look more animated.
HER KIDS’ MOTHER -- Amid the continuing protests of gay rights groups, Laura Schlessinger debuts her syndicated TV program on September 11. Her producers don't expect her ratings to get a shot in the arm until one of her guests, pathetically in need of psychological help, murders another guest who stole her boyfriend.
TURN HEAD, COUGH -- Fox will produce a virtual reality show in which 100 contestants undergo army boot camp training. Training complete, they'll engage in a virtual war with contestants from the English version of the show and the winners will get Bermuda.
WORDS TO LIVE BY -- Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Eric the Red who told a job interviewer, "I have one brother -- Rodney the Chartreuse."
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
IT HAPPENED THIS WEEK -- In 1939, the MGM musical, "The Wizard of Oz" premiered at Grauman's Chinese theater in Hollywood. And during the cast party which followed, Judy Garland was rushed to the hospital with an impacted Munchkin.
I GOT YOU, BABE -- Cher told Larry King that voting Democratic would make every American as successful as she is. With multiple face-lifts and tummy tucks covered by Medicare.
VITAL ROLE -- California Governor Gray Davis says he'll campaign actively for Al Gore. Actually, he'll just stand beside Al to make him look more animated.
HER KIDS’ MOTHER -- Amid the continuing protests of gay rights groups, Laura Schlessinger debuts her syndicated TV program on September 11. Her producers don't expect her ratings to get a shot in the arm until one of her guests, pathetically in need of psychological help, murders another guest who stole her boyfriend.
TURN HEAD, COUGH -- Fox will produce a virtual reality show in which 100 contestants undergo army boot camp training. Training complete, they'll engage in a virtual war with contestants from the English version of the show and the winners will get Bermuda.
WORDS TO LIVE BY -- Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Eric the Red who told a job interviewer, "I have one brother -- Rodney the Chartreuse."
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
THURSDAY, August 12, 2010
It now costs $316 for a family of four to visit Disney theme parks under their new fee schedule. The Mousketeer theme song has been officially changed to “P-R-I… C-E-Y… “
The E! Channel may produce an “American Idol” look-alike series featuring prison inmates as contestants. The judges haven’t been named yet, but front-runners reportedly include Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen and Martha Stewart.
North Carolina highway workers painted a sign on the street near Southern Guilford High School to read: “SHCOOL CROSSING.” A press release issued by the State Employees Union states that “… the offending employee has been appropriately dissiplined.”
Pope Benedict XVI has refused to accept the resignations of two Irish bishops accused of shielding pedophile priests in their dioceses. No reason was given for the Holy Father’s favorable treatment of Bishops MacChrystal and Hayward.
A record number of American citizens are filing applications to repatriate to Great Britain. So far, most of those rejected either have too many teeth, can’t learn to drive on the left or are incapable of producing a stiff upper lip.
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
The E! Channel may produce an “American Idol” look-alike series featuring prison inmates as contestants. The judges haven’t been named yet, but front-runners reportedly include Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen and Martha Stewart.
North Carolina highway workers painted a sign on the street near Southern Guilford High School to read: “SHCOOL CROSSING.” A press release issued by the State Employees Union states that “… the offending employee has been appropriately dissiplined.”
Pope Benedict XVI has refused to accept the resignations of two Irish bishops accused of shielding pedophile priests in their dioceses. No reason was given for the Holy Father’s favorable treatment of Bishops MacChrystal and Hayward.
A record number of American citizens are filing applications to repatriate to Great Britain. So far, most of those rejected either have too many teeth, can’t learn to drive on the left or are incapable of producing a stiff upper lip.
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
WEDNESDAY, August 11, 2010
A Jet Blue cabin steward arriving in New York from Pittsburgh assaulted a passenger, cursed at her over the PA system, and escaped down the plane’s emergency slide. He later admitted that he had overreacted when the woman failed to return her tray to the locked and upright position.
The British Parliament, in an effort to curb the rising cost of socialized health care, may pass some new laws limiting benefits. Apparently they’ve forgotten what happened when they decided to cut back on dental care.
Kellogg’s has launched “Pop Tarts World” in New York’s Times Square, offering visitors treats like “Ants on a Log” -- celery with peanut butter sprinkled with Wild Grape Pop Tarts… which is not expected to compete with New York’s popular “Rats in the Subway.”
The prestigious Princeton Review has named the University of Georgia the top party school in the nation. Which is guaranteed not to sit well with thousands of graduates who earned their RSVP at Arizona State.
Officials in Camden, New Jersey may be forced to close the city’s libraries due to budget shortfalls. New Jersey had to close all their libraries several years ago and it was six months before anyone noticed.
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
The British Parliament, in an effort to curb the rising cost of socialized health care, may pass some new laws limiting benefits. Apparently they’ve forgotten what happened when they decided to cut back on dental care.
Kellogg’s has launched “Pop Tarts World” in New York’s Times Square, offering visitors treats like “Ants on a Log” -- celery with peanut butter sprinkled with Wild Grape Pop Tarts… which is not expected to compete with New York’s popular “Rats in the Subway.”
The prestigious Princeton Review has named the University of Georgia the top party school in the nation. Which is guaranteed not to sit well with thousands of graduates who earned their RSVP at Arizona State.
Officials in Camden, New Jersey may be forced to close the city’s libraries due to budget shortfalls. New Jersey had to close all their libraries several years ago and it was six months before anyone noticed.
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Apple founder Steve Jobs has fired the software engineer who designed the connection-challenged latest version of the I-Phone. Well, actually the guy hasn’t been officially notified yet. See, Steve decided to call him on his I-Phone and…
A comic book collector is selling an extremely rare copy of the first issue of Batman Comics published in1940. To understand just how long ago that was, Batman and Robin were still observing “don’t ask, don’t tell.”
Eternity Publications has launched a new magazine called “Eulogy” which will be devoted to the subject of death and dying. Each issue will include cartoons, a “Headstone Adviser” column, and a monthly centerfold of a freshly-embalmed anorexic supermodel.
A New Hampshire family who have owned their farm since 1632 are selling it due to the bad economy. Which has to be the saddest farm story since the producers of “The Real McCoys” killed off Cassie and the kids during a salary dispute.
Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel, accused of thirteen ethics violations, now is telling investigators that he was duped by two so-called friends who talked him into investing in something called the ‘Open Air Taxi Company.”
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
A comic book collector is selling an extremely rare copy of the first issue of Batman Comics published in1940. To understand just how long ago that was, Batman and Robin were still observing “don’t ask, don’t tell.”
Eternity Publications has launched a new magazine called “Eulogy” which will be devoted to the subject of death and dying. Each issue will include cartoons, a “Headstone Adviser” column, and a monthly centerfold of a freshly-embalmed anorexic supermodel.
A New Hampshire family who have owned their farm since 1632 are selling it due to the bad economy. Which has to be the saddest farm story since the producers of “The Real McCoys” killed off Cassie and the kids during a salary dispute.
Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel, accused of thirteen ethics violations, now is telling investigators that he was duped by two so-called friends who talked him into investing in something called the ‘Open Air Taxi Company.”
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
MONDAY, August 9, 2010
Dan Resin, the actor who portrayed the dapper Ty-D-bol man in 60s and 70s TV commercials has died at age 79. He was laid to rest beside Mr. Clean, the Man From Glad, Madge the Manicurist and Mr. Whipple at Forrest Lawn’s Eternal Valley of the Household Aisle.
W.S. Merwin was recently installed as the official Poet Laureate of the United States. He’s got his work cut out for him -- selling iambic pentameter to an American public, 97% of whom think Longfellow is a tall rapper.
According to Forbes Magazine, Sandra Bullock is the highest-paid movie star with an annual income of $56 million. Friends confide that she feels so guilty, she’s thinking of taking in a poor black high school football player.
The U.S. Department of Health declared that Gulf of Mexico seafood is fit for human consumption. However, according to several reliable chefs we know, the stars of the Red Lobster‘s “Summer Shell-a-Bration” have been jumping into the boiling water on their own.
The first bumper stickers have begun to appear on cars owned by Haitians supporting Reggae singer Wyclef Jean’s campaign for president -- Vote Jean: “He Do That Voodoo That He Do So Well.”
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
W.S. Merwin was recently installed as the official Poet Laureate of the United States. He’s got his work cut out for him -- selling iambic pentameter to an American public, 97% of whom think Longfellow is a tall rapper.
According to Forbes Magazine, Sandra Bullock is the highest-paid movie star with an annual income of $56 million. Friends confide that she feels so guilty, she’s thinking of taking in a poor black high school football player.
The U.S. Department of Health declared that Gulf of Mexico seafood is fit for human consumption. However, according to several reliable chefs we know, the stars of the Red Lobster‘s “Summer Shell-a-Bration” have been jumping into the boiling water on their own.
The first bumper stickers have begun to appear on cars owned by Haitians supporting Reggae singer Wyclef Jean’s campaign for president -- Vote Jean: “He Do That Voodoo That He Do So Well.”
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
FRI, SAT, SUN, August 6, 7, 8
LAFFS From The PAST From our issue dated August 6, 2000
The $1 million Pitt/Anniston nuptials included 50,000 flowers and candles made of brown sugar imported from Thailand to illuminate the reception tent. Which were later donated to a dessert kitchen for the homeless.
A man flew from Tahiti to Los Angeles hiding in the wheel well of an Air France 747, braving air temperatures of 50 below at 38,000 feet. Remarkable the lengths people will go to avoid airline food.
California beach closings by health officials were up 8% last year and are predicted to rise steadily. Warning signs that your beach may be dangerous to swim in:
1) It's beside a restaurant called "Sizzler By The Sea."
2) There's so much medical waste it's been nicknamed "Rexall Cove."
3) It's popular with salmonella fishermen.
4) Instead of whistles, the lifeguards wear Geiger counters.
5) It's littered with old "Baywatch" scripts.
After squandering millions on the failed Mars Polar Lander and Climate Orbiter, NASA will cancel up to 15 scheduled space missions. Expected to get the ax: an exploration of Pluto, an unmanned landing on Mars and an attempt to find life in Al Gore.
Scientists in eastern Oregon have identified the largest living organism ever found, a 2500-year old giant mushroom covering 2200 acres. In layman's terms, enough to top 1,684,037,229 Dominoes Pizzas.
Police in New Delhi confiscated 70,000 starving snakes that were to be force fed milk at a Hindu religious festival, replacing them with brass replicas. Hey, maybe that's the answer -- replace lawyers with brass replicas.
Toys-R-Us will build a 100,000 square foot flagship store in New York's Times Square. Now that's progress. Not long ago, the only toys you could buy in Times Square needed batteries and came in plain, brown wrappers.
Martha Stewart is releasing a Halloween album called "Martha Stewart Living's Spooky Scary Sounds For Halloween." The blood curdling screams were recorded last year when Martha presented her household staff with their Christmas bonuses.
Plagued lately with duds, the Sony Studios have high hopes for a sci-fi thriller starring Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth Shue called "The Hollow Man." Which might not do that well when moviegoers discover they can save the $7.50 and just watch George W. Bush.
Four Tallapoosa, GA high school students are charged with printing fake $1, $5, $10 and $20 bills using a computer in drafting class. They told the arresting Secret Service Agents they thought they needed them to buy counterfeit videos and CD's.
Ten thousand bagpipers from Spain, Alaska, Guam, Canada, Australia and Hong Kong staged a charity "pipe-a-thon" in Edinburgh, Scotland. Could have been worse. Accordions.
Deep sea divers have set a trap in Norway's Seljord Lake to catch a fabled serpent named "Selma" who's reputed to be a cousin of the Loch Ness Monster. If successful, the specimen will be closely examined by herpetologists, ichthyologists and the casting director of "Jaws III."
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Jill who was
overheard telling Jack, "Let's just buy a gallon of Perrier and call it
a day."
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
The $1 million Pitt/Anniston nuptials included 50,000 flowers and candles made of brown sugar imported from Thailand to illuminate the reception tent. Which were later donated to a dessert kitchen for the homeless.
A man flew from Tahiti to Los Angeles hiding in the wheel well of an Air France 747, braving air temperatures of 50 below at 38,000 feet. Remarkable the lengths people will go to avoid airline food.
California beach closings by health officials were up 8% last year and are predicted to rise steadily. Warning signs that your beach may be dangerous to swim in:
1) It's beside a restaurant called "Sizzler By The Sea."
2) There's so much medical waste it's been nicknamed "Rexall Cove."
3) It's popular with salmonella fishermen.
4) Instead of whistles, the lifeguards wear Geiger counters.
5) It's littered with old "Baywatch" scripts.
After squandering millions on the failed Mars Polar Lander and Climate Orbiter, NASA will cancel up to 15 scheduled space missions. Expected to get the ax: an exploration of Pluto, an unmanned landing on Mars and an attempt to find life in Al Gore.
Scientists in eastern Oregon have identified the largest living organism ever found, a 2500-year old giant mushroom covering 2200 acres. In layman's terms, enough to top 1,684,037,229 Dominoes Pizzas.
Police in New Delhi confiscated 70,000 starving snakes that were to be force fed milk at a Hindu religious festival, replacing them with brass replicas. Hey, maybe that's the answer -- replace lawyers with brass replicas.
Toys-R-Us will build a 100,000 square foot flagship store in New York's Times Square. Now that's progress. Not long ago, the only toys you could buy in Times Square needed batteries and came in plain, brown wrappers.
Martha Stewart is releasing a Halloween album called "Martha Stewart Living's Spooky Scary Sounds For Halloween." The blood curdling screams were recorded last year when Martha presented her household staff with their Christmas bonuses.
Plagued lately with duds, the Sony Studios have high hopes for a sci-fi thriller starring Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth Shue called "The Hollow Man." Which might not do that well when moviegoers discover they can save the $7.50 and just watch George W. Bush.
Four Tallapoosa, GA high school students are charged with printing fake $1, $5, $10 and $20 bills using a computer in drafting class. They told the arresting Secret Service Agents they thought they needed them to buy counterfeit videos and CD's.
Ten thousand bagpipers from Spain, Alaska, Guam, Canada, Australia and Hong Kong staged a charity "pipe-a-thon" in Edinburgh, Scotland. Could have been worse. Accordions.
Deep sea divers have set a trap in Norway's Seljord Lake to catch a fabled serpent named "Selma" who's reputed to be a cousin of the Loch Ness Monster. If successful, the specimen will be closely examined by herpetologists, ichthyologists and the casting director of "Jaws III."
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Jill who was
overheard telling Jack, "Let's just buy a gallon of Perrier and call it
a day."
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
THURSDAY, August 5, 2010
The American Kennel Club has officially recognized three new canine breeds -- The Icelandic Sheepdog, The Cane Corso and Leonberger. Barely missing the cut was the Hiltipoo -- a Maltipoo Paris Hilton had bred especially to bite William Shatner.
Fox News will now occupy the empty seat in the White House Press Room formerly occupied by Helen Thomas. The self-described fair and balanced news outlet won the coveted front-row seat by barely edging out Telemundo and the Home & Garden Network.
When British environmentalists from Greenpeace protested the U.S. Gulf coast fiasco by blocking entrances to BP filling stations, the demonstrators were quickly disbursed by company enforcers using BP’s infamous “top kill” process on the leader.
After extensive research, behavioral scientists concluded that men wearing red are more attractive to women as prospective mates. The study began after one of them noticed that every time Larry King wore red suspenders on his show, he immediately acquired another wife.
Alarmed by its steadily declining birth rate, Iran will pay women $900 for each child as well as $90 per month college tuition. Which has to come as good news for the West. You can rule out any of them learning how to make a nuclear bomb at MIT.
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
Fox News will now occupy the empty seat in the White House Press Room formerly occupied by Helen Thomas. The self-described fair and balanced news outlet won the coveted front-row seat by barely edging out Telemundo and the Home & Garden Network.
When British environmentalists from Greenpeace protested the U.S. Gulf coast fiasco by blocking entrances to BP filling stations, the demonstrators were quickly disbursed by company enforcers using BP’s infamous “top kill” process on the leader.
After extensive research, behavioral scientists concluded that men wearing red are more attractive to women as prospective mates. The study began after one of them noticed that every time Larry King wore red suspenders on his show, he immediately acquired another wife.
Alarmed by its steadily declining birth rate, Iran will pay women $900 for each child as well as $90 per month college tuition. Which has to come as good news for the West. You can rule out any of them learning how to make a nuclear bomb at MIT.
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
WEDNESDAY, August 4, 2010
The bill for security at Chelsea Clinton’s wedding topped $200,000 -- half for the extra bodyguards and the other half to stop Barbra Streisand from harassing film studio heads who have refused to hire James Brolin.
In his new documentary, Oliver Stone claims that allegations of evil leveled against Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad have been exaggerated. He admits that all three were behind the Kennedy assassination, but other than that…
Under the terms of a new bill signed by the California governor, Ronald Reagan’s birthday is now an official state holiday. Mexico is reportedly about to adopt one of Reagan’s most famous quotes as its official motto -- “Tear down that wall!”
The American Heart Association has eliminated breathing into the victim’s mouth when administering CPR. They also advise that, in cases where a defibrillator isn’t available, doctors may shock patients just as effectively by playing a recording of Mel Gibson.
The long-anticipated divorce trial of L.A. Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt gets underway soon. Frank is expected to challenge the couples’ pre-nup, under the terms of which she gets the houses, the cars, and the bank accounts and he gets a lifetime supply of Dodger Dogs and weekends with Tommy LaSorda.
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
In his new documentary, Oliver Stone claims that allegations of evil leveled against Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad have been exaggerated. He admits that all three were behind the Kennedy assassination, but other than that…
Under the terms of a new bill signed by the California governor, Ronald Reagan’s birthday is now an official state holiday. Mexico is reportedly about to adopt one of Reagan’s most famous quotes as its official motto -- “Tear down that wall!”
The American Heart Association has eliminated breathing into the victim’s mouth when administering CPR. They also advise that, in cases where a defibrillator isn’t available, doctors may shock patients just as effectively by playing a recording of Mel Gibson.
The long-anticipated divorce trial of L.A. Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt gets underway soon. Frank is expected to challenge the couples’ pre-nup, under the terms of which she gets the houses, the cars, and the bank accounts and he gets a lifetime supply of Dodger Dogs and weekends with Tommy LaSorda.
FREE AUDIO BOOK: The Laugh Makers, unabridged and read by the author -- musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
TUESDAY, August 3, 2010
Lindsay Lohan was released from the LA County Jail after serving only 14 days of her 90-day sentence. She was issued the standard items given to all released prisoners -- a twenty-dollar bill, a clean dress, and an offer of a judgeship on “American Idol.”
Instituting their new “ala carte” billing, Spirit Airlines is now charging passengers $45 to store luggage in the overhead bin. Use of the restrooms is still free although toilet tissue is 50 cents a square or $9.99 for the economical “family roll.”
Though banned from baseball's Hall of Fame for betting on games, Pete Rose received $168,000 at auction for the bat he used to score his final base hit. That’s the good news. The bad news is, he bet a friend he’d get $200,000 and now owes him the difference.
For the first time in its theme park history, Disney is offering season passes on a pre-need installment plan. How times have changed. In the olden days, parents only had to set aside funds to cover “Harvard-land” or “Yale-land.”
Once a reliable winner, sales of the Tiger Woods PGA TOUR Video Game have dropped 70% in a year. Worse, numerous game-owners report that they’ve caught him fooling around with Tiffany the Bartender in their “Grand Theft Auto” video game.
Instituting their new “ala carte” billing, Spirit Airlines is now charging passengers $45 to store luggage in the overhead bin. Use of the restrooms is still free although toilet tissue is 50 cents a square or $9.99 for the economical “family roll.”
Though banned from baseball's Hall of Fame for betting on games, Pete Rose received $168,000 at auction for the bat he used to score his final base hit. That’s the good news. The bad news is, he bet a friend he’d get $200,000 and now owes him the difference.
For the first time in its theme park history, Disney is offering season passes on a pre-need installment plan. How times have changed. In the olden days, parents only had to set aside funds to cover “Harvard-land” or “Yale-land.”
Once a reliable winner, sales of the Tiger Woods PGA TOUR Video Game have dropped 70% in a year. Worse, numerous game-owners report that they’ve caught him fooling around with Tiffany the Bartender in their “Grand Theft Auto” video game.
FREE AUDIO BOOK The Laugh Makers Unabridged and read by the author -- Musical bridges by Barry Dugan
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
MONDAY, August 2, 2010
According to tradition, Chelsea Clinton recited her marriage vows wearing something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue -- a video cassette of several of Mel Gibson’s telephone tantrums.
The jury has been sequestered in the corruption trial of former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, but the judge has indicated he may have to continue the trial. Over the weekend, one of his sheriff’s deputies seems to have disappeared in the defendant’s hair.
While Ellen Degeneres insists her decision to exit “American Idol” after only one season was voluntary, reliable sources at the network report that several GOP senators objected to her lack of prior judicial experience and threatened a filibuster unless she stepped aside.
Chevrolet has begun production on their new $41,000 electric car the “Chevy Volt” -- not to be confused with their budget-priced sedan specially designed to be driven by the family teenager on weekends called the “Chevy Dolt.”
According to Facebook, their most popular books are Harry Potter and the Bible. Which makes sense really -- one is an intricate fable that demonstrates the power of imagination when coupled with magic and fantasy and the other is a popular novel by J. K. Rowling.
The jury has been sequestered in the corruption trial of former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, but the judge has indicated he may have to continue the trial. Over the weekend, one of his sheriff’s deputies seems to have disappeared in the defendant’s hair.
While Ellen Degeneres insists her decision to exit “American Idol” after only one season was voluntary, reliable sources at the network report that several GOP senators objected to her lack of prior judicial experience and threatened a filibuster unless she stepped aside.
Chevrolet has begun production on their new $41,000 electric car the “Chevy Volt” -- not to be confused with their budget-priced sedan specially designed to be driven by the family teenager on weekends called the “Chevy Dolt.”
According to Facebook, their most popular books are Harry Potter and the Bible. Which makes sense really -- one is an intricate fable that demonstrates the power of imagination when coupled with magic and fantasy and the other is a popular novel by J. K. Rowling.
FREE AUDIO BOOK:
http://bearmanoraudio.com/audio/BOB-MILLS-AUDIO-BOOK/
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY
DOLORES HOPE "Silver Bells" (with Bob)
BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?
"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
Even Animals Love "THE YouTube WORLDWIDE NEWS"!
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
Download THE LAUGH MAKERS to your Kindle within one minute (for $2.99) by clicking on this link:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0041D9EPO
And if you're not yet a Kindle owner, when you purchase your new lower-priced Kindle with a capacity of 3500 books, be sure to sign up for our daily blog so you won't miss one issue of the web's most entertaining and insightful comments on the day's events... or a single serialized installment of THE LAUGH MAKERS. Order your Kindle today!
WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IZLXIQ