Thursday, June 28, 2007 (1648 PST)

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Radio Alert! Catch Bob Mills as Willie Nelson singing "On the Road Again" and "Georgia On My Mind" tomorrow morning -- 0820 PST to 0900 PST on LARRS, the LA Reading Service for the Blind and Print Impared. Streamed live at: www.larrs.org password: independent

Also, catch Bob's weekly show "Inside Television" every Thursday at 0820 PST to 0900 PST.
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Said David Cullkeller, senior US counter-intelligence advisor: "We haven't turned the tide. We haven't turned the corner. There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel. What we have done is take a failing enterprise and put it on a sound, long-term footing." Can you believe these guys actually get paid to come up with bullshit like this?

Forty-four year old Evander Holyfield will fight Lou Saverese, 41, Saturday in El Paso. Under Texas Boxing Commission requirements, there will be a "three heart defibrilations" rule in effect.

CT scans have confirmed archeologists' suspicions that a mummy found in Egypt is the female pharaoh, Hatshepsut. Correcting earlier reports that it was Cher.

Newly released documents disclose that the CIA bugged Dan Rowan's telephone at the request of mobster Sam Giancana who suspected Dan was fooling around with his girlfriend. Instead, they caught Dan psychologically abusing Goldie Hawn.
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FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
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The Vatican has issued "Guidelines for the sanctification of auto travel." Which include these caveats:

1) Never refer to a "used car." The proper designation is "born again car."

2) The only "safe" carpooling is abstinence.

3) Limit your obscene hand gestures to Protestants, Jews, Muslims, Buddists and atheists.

4) Vatican-approved bumper stickers:
a) Support Intelligent Interior Design
b) Darwin----My Ass!
c) Make War, Not Sister Immaculata
d) Ask Me About Transubstantiation
e) I'd Rather Be Infallible Than President
f) I Brake For Pedophile Priests
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Air-Tran is sponsoring a free wedding contest at the Viva Las Vegas wedding chapel that includes three nights at the Venetian Hotel, a rental car and a quickie divorce.

According to a recent survey, the average Brit consumes eighteen and a half pounds of chocolate yearly. Eighteen is also their average tooth count. Coincidence?

The remains of a giant penguin that lived 40 million years ago were found in Peru. Archelogists became curious after a farmer unearthed several huge tuxedoes.

Anthropologists in Leipzig, Germany are using DNA samples to construct a new model of Neanderthal man. To replace the statue of George W. Bush they've been using.
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"Amnesty means that you've got to pay a price for having been here illegally and this bill does that."

George W. Bush 6/26/2007 Washington, DC
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Producers of "The Price is Right" have passed on Rosie O'Donnell to replace Bob Barker. Seems Rosie's price wasn't right.

The Spanish Olympic Committee has appealed for suggestions to add lyrics to their national anthem. "La Cucaracha" sounds so hokey on the medal winners platform.

Pope Benedict XVI has changed the rule on papal election balloting, reinstating the 2/3 majority requirement. The rules on campaign financing remain unchanged.

Israel has launched its first professional baseball league. Recently overheard at Yashiva Stadium:
1) "I can't change the roster, ump. It's on a stone tablet."
2) "You've lost your stuff, Sol. Get off the mount."
3) "Time for a little pepper. Get the matzo balls."
4) "Anyone stealing a base is entitled to guilt counseling."
5) "Some son. He never calls. He never writes. He never bunts."
6) "It's going... going... it's a home run over the wailing wall!"
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"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."

George W. Bush 5/25/2004 Washington, DC
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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Tony Blair will meet with the pope this week to begin steps, some say, to convert. Makes sense. Without Bush, he'll need a new lap.

Tiger Woods has signed a new endorsement contract with General Motors. Same day, ironically, John Daly's wife signed with Ginzu Knives of Tokyo.

Rosie O'Donnell says she's been offered Bob Barker's old job on "The Price Is Right." Actually, the job offer was as a large kitchen appliances model.

For the first time, the US released a list of hospital heart-related death rates. Mainly so Cheney can plan his vacation.

Bush hosted Vietnam president Nguyen Minh Triet for talks at the White House. They discussed the future of nuclear proliferation, CO2 emissions and Jane Fonda.
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"The Bob Jones policy on interracial dating----I spoke against that. I spoke out against interracial dating. I support the policy of interracial dating."

George W. Bush 2/25/2000 CBS News
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Paris Hilton is scheduled to be released from jail on Tuesday. At which time she'll be given the traditional $30 suit and $10 cash to start a new life.

She told reporters "I spent my time staring at the ceiling." Isn't that what got her in hot water in the first place?

New survey shows that only 18% of Americans have confidence in Congress. Worse, only 13% have confidence in Dr. Laura.

Jimmy Kimmel underwent an emergency appendectomy. Turned out to be an impacted Sarah Silverman.
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F R E E M E M B E R S H I P: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
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Thousands of Muslims in Britain protested the announcement of a knighthood for Salman Rushdie. On the grounds that he's nowhere near as qualified as Elton John.

New York mayor Bloomberg ankles GOP, may run as an independent. Can you say Ross Perot?

Army claims widespread discussion of "surge" tipped al Qaeda and doomed Baghdad offensive "Operation Together Forward" to failure. Formerly called "Operation Save Bush's Legacy."
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"You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire."

George W.Bush 1/10/2006 Washington, DC
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The Pentagon has asked for 4.9 million national park acres to "practice battlefield technology." Isn't that called "martial law"?

Mistakenly called Iwo Jima by Japanese naval officers in 1944, site of WWII battle is renamed "Iwo Ito." May not mean much to you, but Clint Eastwood is beside himself.

Tom Cruise says he's now qualified to perform Scientology marriages. Run for your lives! They're breeding!

Lawmakers celebrated "Seersucker Thursday," a tradition started by Trent Lot. Not to be confused with Scooter Libby's "Orange Jumpsuit Day."

(Photo Caption) Celebrants blow ancient horns during annual pagan soltice festival at Stonehenge. Following which they pulverized a pinata of Camilla Parker Bowles.

Fred Thompson has decided to make a run for the Oval Office----apparently believing that at least once every century, Americans deserve a right wing hack actor in the White House.

NASA Chief Michael Griffin says he's not convinced that global warming is "a long term concern." This, you'll recall, is the same guy who thought Lisa Nowak could get by without industrial strength Huggies.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI after plowing her Mercedes into a Hollywood hedge. She may beat the rap, though. Witnesses say she swerved to avoid a mini-van being driven by Britney Spears' baby.

"Explosively formed penetrators," being used to destroy the Army's new armoured vehicles in Iraq, can pierce five inches of steel. Which, when you think about it, means they have a better exit strategy than Bush.

Bush has appointed Lt. General Douglas Lute as the new "War Czar." Who, much like the "Drug Czar" who preceded him, will try to sell the public on a doomed-from-the-start program to "Just Say No" to getting the hell out of Iraq.
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"I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to destroy Israel."

George W. Bush 5/4/2006 Washington, DC
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Customs officers at the Cairo airport arrested a man carrying 700 snakes including two cobras. Thanks to "Slinky," their drug-sniffing mongoose.

Illionois has banned the slaughter of horses for food. Pretty much scuttling the planned summer debut of the "McWhinny Burger."

The world's oldest camera, made in 1839, sold at auction in Vienna for $800,000. It has one pixel.

Pope Benedict XVI is seriously considering reviving the Latin mass, dropped by Vatican II. If this proves to be popular among the laity, next he may bring back burning at the stake.
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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Newly released from prison, Dr. jack Kevorkian is vowing to help legalize physian-assisted suicide. Not to be confused with the perfectly legal "Pentagon-assisted suicide" now being practiced in Iraq.

The new "Creation Museum" in Petersburg, Kentucky features a replica of Noah's Ark with animals including dinosaurs. Along with a lifesized statue of Charles Darwin whom they identify as the author of "A Tale of Two Cities."

Scientists announced the discovery of a new lizard species in eastern India that looks like a snake without legs. Snakes and lizards are not related, the former being descended from lawyers and the latter from tobacco company executives.

The Alabama Legislature passed a law apologizing for slavery. Which may explain the overwhelming demand for white sheets at Mobile's Bed, Bath & Beyond.

For the first time in 28 years, the US and Iran have begun delicate negotiations to ease tensions in Iraq. If successful, next they'll try to restore diplomatic relations between Rosie O'Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselbeck.
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"That's called 'A Charge To Keep,' based upon a religious hymn. The hymn talks about serving God. The president's job is never to promote a religion."

George W. Bush 5/5/2006 Washington, DC
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Kobe Bryant to the Los Angeles Lakers: "I want out of my contract." Mrs. Bryant to Kobe: "Not so fast, Diamond Ring Boy."
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F R E E M E M B E R S H I P: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
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ATTENTION WORLD TRAVELERS!

On Sunday, the author is off to China to tour Beijing, Xian, Chongqing, and by riverboat, Fengdu, Qutang, Jingzhou, Dongting Lake, Wuhan, Jingdezhen, Mt. Jiu Hua, Nanjing, Suzhou and Shanghai. Anyone with tips or info regarding these exotic ports o' call is urged to forward same to: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com

Your help will be much appreciated!
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The arrival of the USS Wasp in New York Harbor marks the start of "Fleet Week" that features half priced hookers, complimentary tattoos and 21-hand gesture salutes from NY cabbies.

Shrek III captured $122 million on its opening weekend, a record for an animated film. Entomologists were stunned. They had no idea that ogres fed on spiders.

A pornography crackdown in China has shuttered 13,000 smut shops. Authorities became suspicious by a menu item that read "With #3, you get Paris Hilton."

China has entered its first float in the Pasadena Rose Parade----a perfect knockoff of a float they saw in the Mardi Gras Parade.

The Army has asked for $20 billion to purchase new, safer "MRAP's," Mine Resistant Ambush Protected vehicles. Not to be confused with the vehicles in current use, "MFDT's," Mine Friendly Death Traps.

A survey shows that per acre land values in Las Vegas have topped $40 million. Which makes it the most expensive pile of sand in the world----not counting Iraq.

The $592 million, 104 acre US Embassy in Baghdad is scheduled to open in September. Allen & Rossi will headline in the Fallujah Room.

Three mortar rounds exploded near Tony Blair during his visit to Baghdad's Green Zone. It's not easy being a Green Zone.

A general in Iraq said the insurgents are catching on to to US tactics and fled ahead of raids launched to capture them. Oh, oh----now we're in trouble.

Jimmy Carter called Bush "the worst president in US history," but Bush was unfazed, telling an aide "Martin Sheen is."
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"They didn't think we were a nation that could conceivably sacrifice for something greater than our self----that we were soft, that we were so self-absorbed and so materialistic that we wouldn't defend anything we believed in. My were they wrong. They were just reading the wrong magazine or watching the wrong Springer show."

George W. Bush 3/12/2002 Washington, DC
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Cincinnati Bengal linebacker A.J. Nicholson was charged with assaulting his girlfriend. A charge of impersonating an HBO executive was dropped.

Utah Jazz point guard Deron Williams has "No Guts" tattooed on one arm and "No Glory" on the other. On the plus side, no misspellings.

Despite protests from animal rights groups, the LA Dodgers will continue selling Farmer John Dodger Dogs, avoiding a deal that would have traded them for Nathan's Famous and a Polish sausage to be named later.

US Census Bureau reports that by 2011, 10,000 people a day will turn 65, prompting CBS to order 5000 more "Murder She Wrote" reruns.

Congress will require airlines to provide stranded passengers with food, water, medical care and, in the case of JetBlue, a fitness coach after twelve hours on the tarmac.

Sharpton apologized after saying "Those who really believe in God will defeat Romney." Al has never forgiven the Mormons for giving us Donny & Marie.

Paula Abdul broke her nose after stumbling over one of her chihuahuas. She wasn't sure whether it was "Simon" or "Cowell."

Paris Hilton was named #1 on Forbes Hot Billionaire
Heiresses List----ironically, the same week she was named Top Fugitive by "America's Most Wanted."
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F R E E M E M B E R S H I P: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
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"Reagan Diaries" was released in bookstores, triggering a campaign by supporters to have it named America's Official National Journal and placed on permanent display in the Capital Rotunda.

Britney Spears was ejected from an airline flight after complaining about the lack of leather seats. She doesn't much care for cloth panties, either.

SkyBus Airlines has launched a "no frills" service with 14 jets. To reduce equipment costs, a sideshow freak guesses the weight of your luggage.

The autobiography of George Forman is called "God In My Corner." Probably that cut man who never had to use stitches.

"Addams Family: The Musical" will debut on Broadway in 2009. Buzz is that it's a cross between "Phantom of the Opera" and "The Sound of Music."

New evidence has been uncovered that indicates Abraham Lincoln may have delivered the Gettysburg Address while suffering from smallpox. "Fourscore and seven" may have been a reference to his temperature.

A Mexican cardinal testified in a priest pedophile lawsuit that Catholic bishops and cardinals concealed sexual preditors from the public, using code phrases such as "family and health problems." A personal favorite of Mahoney's was "Ocular perceptionis digitus," Latin for "Keep an eye on this guy's hands."

Prince Harry won't be deployed to Iraq after all. According to a reliable Palace source, he called the White House last week, got a few phone numbers from Bush and viola!----he's now a pilot in London's Air National Guard.

Britain's legendary spy agency MI-5 is seeking more qualified females to fill their ranks. They decided they needed more gals after Miss Moneypenny went into deep cover and caught Andrew Lloyd Webber slipping military troop locations to al Qaeda hidden in coded lyrics.

Lame duck Blair paid a final visit to lame duck Bush, during which both posed for effigy figures that will be hung and burned during next summer's anti-Iraq war rallies at American and British embassies throughout the world.

Falwell's sudden exit wasn't entirely unexpected as the corpulent spiritualist suffered from long-standing heart disease and hypertention for which his doctors had prescribed a strict, pillar-of-salt free diet.

Not that life-saving efforts weren't employed. Pat Robertson immediately performed wallet-to-wallet resuscitation which, alas, proved futile.

Sky pilot colleagues and fellow ecclesiastics from all over the world attended the memorial service in Lynchburg with Jim Bakker, Larry Flynt and four Teletubbies acting as pallbearers.
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"The march to war hurt the economy. Laura reminded me awhile ago that remember what was on the TV screens----she calls me, 'George W.'----I call her 'First Lady.' No, anyway----she said, we said, march to war on our TV screen."

George W. Bush 3/3/2004 Bay Shore, NY
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Sharper Image is now marketing gourmet meat under the Donald Trump label. Prime rib cuts are available in three sizes: "Queen," "King" and "Rosie O'Donnell."

Said an Army general in Kirkuk, "The US military hopes to sooth public anger by making an extraordinary effort to repair damage caused by explosions... " Which the Pentagon likes to call "urban redevelopment."

The Pentagon has cut off access by US troops to MySpace, You Tube, MTV.com and Photo Bucket. However, they're still allowed to sell parts of blown up equipment on e-Bay.

Notre Dame, Duke and the University of Virginia are among colleges offering alumni internment in campus cemeteries. Spotted on a headstone at Duke's Eternal Quad "I finally found a parking space."

Faced with FAA rules that call for mandatory retirement upon reaching 60, commercial pilots are seeking employment with foreign carriers that are subject to no such rules. The current favorite among the graying jet jockies is Virgin Island-based "Viagra Air."

Disgraced House speaker Newt Gingrich told reporters that a presidential bid in '08 is "a great possibility." Right now he's torn between an expensive campaign or an equally expensive extramarital affair.

Bush has appointed Lt. General Douglas Lute as the country's first "war czar" whose duties will primarily involve coming up with a term more acceptable to the American public than "surrender."

Harper Collins has announced that it will publish the autobiography of Clarence Thomas in October. It comes with a CD of Clarence's historic judicial pronouncements during oral arguments----blank at the moment but maybe between now and October...

O.J. Simpson is claiming racial discrimination after being ejected from Jeff Ruby's Steakhouse in Louisville, KY. Seems he insisted on slaughtering his own steer.

Several squirrels captured in Colorado tested positive for the Black Plague. Animal control officers were alerted when two of them were spotted loading the body of a third one onto an ox cart.

A fast-moving brushfire on Catalina Island threatened to destroy the famed Avalon Ballroom, scorching a nearby cornfield planted by Lawrence Welk.

The LA Sheriff says Paris could, with credit for good behavior, serve as little as 29 days. Hey, it's not the days that worry her----it's those interminable nights.

A new R rating for movies includes tobacco use. From now on, if a guy fires up a cigar, he'd better be torturing an Arab.

The Iraqi Parliament will vacation during July and August. Most of them have reservations at Fallujah's popular "Club Dead."

A Pentagon report shows that 40% of US troops in Iraq condone torture and would, given the opportunity, waterboard Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld.
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BOB ON THE RADIO: This Tuesday, May 15 at 3 to 4 pm Pacific, catch Bob co-hosting "Access Unlimited" on LA's KPFK fm (90.7). The program is also streamed live at www.kpfk.org.
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In Sao Paulo, the pope sat on a red and gold throne watching a parade of samba dancers----in honor of his Brazilian hosts, dressed as Joe Carioca.

Later, Ben cononized Brazil's first saint, Antonia Galvao, better known to American movie-goers as Antonio Bandares.

CBS bids "The Price Is Right" farewell after 51 years on the air. The final trio of contestants had to guess the price of Bob Barker's walker.

Olympic bad boy skier Bode Miller has quit the US team. He'll do okay, though. John Daly has offered to teach him golf.

HBO fired CEO Chris Albrecht after Las Vegas police arrested him for assault and battery. Best guess is, Chris will produce HBO's summer series "Curb Your Enthusiasm For Beating Up Your Girlfriend."

Clint Eastwood has been awarded an honorary degree from USC----a doctorate of Humane Letters from Iwo Jima.

According to the GAO, 300,000 barrels of Iraqi oil have disappeared over the past four years. Major problem for Halliburton appears to be how to get them back here.

Cheney did some sword rattling on the deck of the carrier John C. Stennis off the coast of Iran. During his speech, a short in his pacemaker accidentally launched three F-16's.
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"Wow! Brazil is BIG!"

George W. Bush 10/6/2005 Looking at a map of South America
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British Prime Minister-in-waiting, Gordon Brown, is trying to convince Brits that his position as Chancellor of the Exchequer qualifies him for the post. Lately, most of his duties have involved keeping Prince Harry out of the pubs.

Britain's Queen Liz II capped her 6-day US visit hosting a dinner for Bush. Following which, she presented him with a diamond-encrusted replica of the monarchy's Imperial Seal and he gave her an honorary membership on the girls basketball team at Rutgers.

The previous night, Elizabeth Hasselbeck was a guest at the White House State Dinner. On arrival, she waved at Rosie and Joy Behar who were parking limos in the West Wing lot.

Earlier in the day, Helen Mirren turned down an invitation to have lunch with Liz. Seems it conflicted with her weekly mahjong game.

A record 85% voter turnout elected conservative Nicolas Sarkozy as president of France. He'll immediately assume Tony Blair's former spot on Bush's lap.

A "Free Paris" movement has been launched to petition Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to commute Paris Hilton's jail sentence scheduled to begin on June 5. Several factors favor a commutation:
1) The Pampered Heiress Cell Block is filled to capacity.
2) Sleeping until noon is allowed only in solitary.
3) Would ruin any chance she might have had to replace Rosie.
4) Warden is partial to Marriott Hotels.
5) Martha Stewart's bitch is already taken.

A '69 Dodge Charger used on "The Dukes of Hazard" sold for a record $10 million on E-Bay. It came with an unused car seat that once belonged to Britney Spears' baby.

Evander Holyfield, 44, will fight Lou Savarese on June 30 in El Paso. The "three knockdown" rule will be in effect, with special consideration for strokes.

Hillary Clinton is being pressured to return an $800,000
campaign contribution from rapper Timbaland, whose latest album is studded with references to "bitches," "ho's" and "mofo's." Hil claims she thought he was referring to White House interns.

The Archieves of Pediatrics reports that 40% of 3-month old toddlers regularly watch television. More disturbing, 86% of them think it's good.

More than 200 people have paid $200,000 for a 2 1/2 hour sub-orbital space flight on Virgin Galactic. Included with the First Class ducats: Use of the VIP lounge, free headsets and NASA-designed Huggies with the Virgin logo.

Pope Benedict XVI is scheduled to make his first visit to Brazil to canonize the country's first saint. Carmen Miranda.

The British fashion chain TopShop has launched its new Kate Moss line. Which includes stone-washed blue denim cargo pants with pockets specially tailored to accomodate prescription hallucinogenics.

Congressman Dennis Kusinich has sponsored a bill to begin impreachment proceedings against Dick Cheney. Which, when you think about it, would remove him from the stressful position of being one erratic heartbeat from the presidency.
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"There was no malfeance involved. This was an honest disagreement about account procedures----there was no malfeance, no attempt to hide anything."

George W. Bush 7/8/2002 Washington DC
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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The average age of planes used by the Air Force is 23.5 years. Juggle the numbers and you get the average age of stewardesses on Delta----53.2.

David Hasselhoff has lost visitation rights to his teen girls. And, if he wants to speak to them by phone, he has to go through Alec Baldwin.

The FBI intercepted a plot by Islamic radicals to attack soldiers training at Ft. Dix. As we all know, placing soldiers in harm's way is the Pentagon's job.

TOM POSTON 1922-2007

Latinos gathered to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in LA's McArthur Park. Or, as the LAPD calls it, "the practice range."

A new Gallup survey shows that 29% of TV viewers have a negative view of Katie Couric. On a brighter note, it's the same 29% who LIKE Bush.

Hillary Clinton will co-sponsor a bill to revoke Bush's war powers. Using techniques she learned while neutralizing Bill.

There is no truth to the rumor that David Hasselhoff has been hired as a spokesperson for In-N-Out Burger.

The late Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock was legally drunk, had marijuana in the car, wasn't wearing a seat belt and was on his cell phone when he plowed into a tow truck. If that wasn't stupid enough, he was talking to Paris Hilton.

Mitt Romney's camp admits they pay college students a commission for every campaign contributor recruited on campus. They get a bonus if the contributors ever heard of Joseph Smith.

Cheney has had four coronaries, two angioplasties and quadruple bypass surgery. And he thought he had heart problems BEFORE Tenet drove a stake through it.
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"My pan plays down an unprecedented amount of our national debt."

George W. Bush 2/27/2001 Addressing Congress
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Donors of $75 to McCain's campaign receive a complimentary mouse pad with a picture of the Senator on it. Unfortunately, it's the one of him undergoing a colonoscopy.

Obama is the first presidential candidate to receive Secret Service protection. Even though the Clinton campaign signed a pledge not to have him whacked.

The 98% white Cleveland Bar Association has launched a program to educate blacks on the Constitution, civil rights and social studies and already it's paying off. They've signed seven of them to NBA contracts.

Queen Elizabeth kicked off her week-long American tour by addressing the Virginia Legislature. Yes, Virginia, there is a queen.

Ten GOP presidential hopefuls held an ersatz "debate" at the Reagan Library. From behind, some viewers thought they were watching the Kentucky Derby.

Don Imus is suing CBS for $120 million, claiming breach of contract. Seems his new salary announcing womens basketball at Rutgers isn't cutting it.

Cheney is set to visit Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Jordan and the United Arab Emirates. The only Middle East countries he hasn't shot anybody in yet.

The Cleveland Browns choice in the third round of the NFL draft pick was Wisconsin's offensive tackle, Joe Thomas. Affectionately known among his fellow pro draftees as "Who's the white guy?"

Texas has become the first state to randomly test high school athletes for steroids. With particular emphasis on San Antonio's Barry Bonds Middle School.

Queen Elizabeth will attend the Kentucky Derby this weekend. Contrary to rumors, she's not going just because she was told Camilla Parker Bowles is in it.

The Vatican has announced that Pope Benedict XVI will visit New York City. Mayor Bloomberg has placed all altar boys in Manhattan under 24-hour police guard.

Tony Snow told his class reunion at Davidson College "God hasn't promised us tomorrow but He has promised us eternity." George W. Bush only makes it SEEM like eternity.
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"As Luce reminded me, he said, without data, without facts, without information, the discussions about public education mean that a person is just another opinion."

George W. Bush 9/9/2003 Jacksonville, Florida
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Hookers working for Washington DC madam Jeane Palfrey charged, according to police records, $300 an hour. Not bad considering they also did plumbing.

Thursday marked the annual national National Day of Prayer. There was something for everyone. Wall Street brokers paused for a minute of silence to worship the Almighty Dollar.

Hillary Rodham Clinton has announced she's dropping the "Rodham." May not mean much to you but now she has to change the monograms on 350 pant suits.

Rejected Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers has aken a job at a private law firm. Washington's prestigious Hacks, Cronies & Duds.

British Army lieutenant Prince Harry is headed to Iraq with his tank unit. The elite 357th "Don't Shoot, He's a Royal!" Armoured Battalion.
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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Four hundred hip hop moguls and rappers gathered in Chicago to discuss banning lyrics like "ho," "bitch," "mother ******, and "tits." No agreement on songs, but they did agree to censor their tattoos.

The Judge in the Phil Spector trial admonished the jury to disregard the defendant's hair. Pretty much neutralizing the defense motto: "If the wig fits, you must acquit."

Dutch police have searched the backyard of their chief suspect in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway in Aruba. While also looking for the missing career of Nancy Grace.

Iranian police have increased enforcement of laws that call for death by stoning for women convicted of adultry. Or Richard Gere for kissing in public.

Bush hosted Japan's Prime Minister Shingo Abe at Camp David. Where he signed formal surrender papers making the defeat of General Motors by Toyota official.
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"If you don't have any ambitions, the minimum-wage job isn't going to get you to where you want to get, for example. In other words, what is your ambitions? And oh, by the way, if that is your ambition, here is what it's going to take to achieve it."

George W. Bush 8/29/2002 Little Rock, Arkansas
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Alec Baldwin told "The View" that he plans to write a book on parenting. From the same publisher of last year's "Small Bird Hunting Tips" by Dick Cheney.

The British Court has charged Hugh Grant with hitting a photographer with a can of baked beans. In England, throwing food is a misdemeanor. Eating it is a felony.

Heather Mills was eliminated from "Dancing With The Stars." Nasty scene. On her way to the limo, she clubbed three ABC security guards with her----well, you know.

Rosie O'Donnell has announced she's leaving "The View." Which couldn't make Donald Trump happier. He and his lawyers are currently in negotiations to subdivide her.

Rent-A-Car founder Warren Avis has passed away at the age of 93. Despite life-saving efforts by his physicians who tried harder than Hertz's doctors did.

CBS has refused to run a Maxfli golf ball commercial that features John Daly drinking beer in a bar. Several stools from Phil Mickelson who is shown choking on a bowl of mixed nuts.

April was the deadliest month of the year for troops in Iraq. It wasn't too kind to Don Imus, either.
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"Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat."

George W. Bush 9/17/2004 Washington, DC
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A mineral has been discovered in Serbia that contains the same elements as Superman's nemesis, Kryptonite: sodium, lithium, boron, silicate, and hydroxide. Pretty much matching the contents of Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.

The Diocese of Spokane has paid $48 million to settle 150 priest sex abuse cases. Prompting Pope Benedict XVI to comment "We have a branch office in Spokane?"

Astronomers have discovered a new planet 180 trillion miles away, in the constellation Libra. To put its size in perspective, if earth were Valerie Bertinelli, it would be Kate Moss.

Police in Iran arrested 300 woman for violating Islam's strict dress code. Most were wearing t-shirts that said "I Can't Spell ABIDINAJHAD, Either."

Toyota has dethroned General Motors as the world's largest seller of automobiles. Let's take another peek at those WWII results, shall we?
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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This year marks the 200th anniversary of the first use by a Renaissance French cartographer of the name "America" for the US. Replacing its previous title----Cleveland.

Bill Clinton's saxophone sold at a New York charity auction for $64,800. Rare because it's the only thing in the Oval Office that HE blew.
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"Trying to stop suiciders----which we're doing a pretty good job of on occasion----is difficult to do. And what the Iraqis are going to have to eventually do is convince those who are conducting suiciders who are not inspired by Al Qaeda, for example, to realize there's a peaceful tomorrow."

George W. Bush 5/24/2006 Washington, D.C.
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Tony Gonzales responded with "I don't know" seventy-one times during Senate committee hearings... For awhile there, he sounded like Kobe talking to Mrs. Bryant after a road trip.

The 100th birthday of John Wayne will be marked by celebrations in his hometown of Winterset, Iowa... Dr. Scholl has commissioned a bronze statue of the flat feet that enabled the Duke to duck the draft during World War II.

A musical version of "Spiderman" is headed for Broadway with Bono and the Edge do-re-me-ing the show... Buzz says the second act curtain will feature Spidey scaling the north side of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

US troops in Iraq have begun constructing a three mile long, 12 foot high concrete wall to separate the Sunnis from the Shiites... And it's working already. So far, they've caught 372 illegal Mexican immigrants trying to climb over it.

Sharon Osbourne has signed on as a judge on NBC's "America's Got Talent"... Which makes sense. After all, she married Ozzy and he's got plenty of----okay, bad example.

Pope Benedict XVI has issued a proclamation removing the concept of limbo for unbaptized babies from Catholic dogma... No mention was made, however, of the beach dance which will, for the time being, remain a mortal sin.

The Milwaukee School Board has approved the use of handcuffs by school security officers on students in Kindergarten and above... They stopped short, however, of replacing their Super Soakers with stun guns.

Last year, the US imported $206 million worth of diamonds from Botswana... Most of which ended up on Mrs. Bryant's finger.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has halted construction of a new death chamber at San Quentin, citing excessive costs... If he really wants to save money, why not just buy the death row inmates one-way tickets to Iraq?

The TV Guide Channel has sacked Joan Rivers and her daughter, Melissa, from their annual Emmy Awards red carpet gig... But grieve not. They've already been signed to greet hack presidential candidates arriving for prayer vigils following national calamities.

Only fifteen of the nation's top 100 universities require their English majors to study Shakespeare... Which explains why 82% of them identified Hamlet as "a pejorative for Danny DeVito."

Homeland Security officials have found "rampant fraud" in a third of the visas issued to foreign "religious workers"... Blessed are the self-righteous for they shall inherit a green card.

A new word-for-word, two CD dramatic reading of the bible stars Terrance Stamp as God, Luke Perry as Judas and Marisa Tomei as Mary Magdelene... And Don Imus does a nifty turn as a nappy-headed Nubian slave.

A Volkswagen hatchback once owned by Pope Benedict XVI failed to sell on e-Bay... Potential buyers were probably turned off by his bumper-sticker: My Altar Boy Is On The Honor Roll At St. Bartholomew Elementary.
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"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

George W. Bush 1/11/2000 Columbia, South Carolina
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Benedict's new book "Jesus of Nazareth" will be published in sixteen languages... Translated from the ecclesiastical mumbo-jumbo in which he is fluent.

A surveillance video shows a Mankato, Minnesota jailer beating an inmate with a bible... The "King James Knuckle-Buster" version commissioned by the Pentagon for use at Abu Gharib.

Former Iraq war planner Paul Wolfowitz, now head of the World Bank, apologized for giving his girlfriend a huge raise... Which once again demonstrates the fundamental differences between Democrats and Republicans----Clinton didn't have to pay for it.

The fourth Indiana Jones movie will begin filming this summer with Harrison Ford again in the lead... It's called "Indiana Jones: The Search For the Missing Kidney Stones."
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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Senator Ted Stevens has toppled Strom Thurmond's longevity record in Congress... And he went Strom one better----he did it while still alive.

Jennifer Hudson sang the Stars Spangled banner at a recent Dodgers-Padre game... Seems Roseanne Barr was unavailable.

Fear of the number 13 is called "Triskaidekaphobia"... Not to be confused with fear of the talentless, "Sanjayamalakaraphobia."

Bowing to complaints from neighbors, New York City officials may shut down the annual Italian Gennaro Festival... High point of which is the running of the Good Fellas.

Regis Philbin claims his open heart surgery has "changed his whole personality."... Probably those Simon Cowell blood transfusions.

Prince William and his girlfriend Kate Middleton have called it quits... After paparazzi snapped a nude Kate on board a yacht owned by an Arab sheik.

Woolworth's is scrapping its line of Will and Kate ceramic cups and plates... Actually, they'll be placed in storage just in case Will Farrell and Kate Hudson ever become an item.

A press photographer was fired from the Toledo Ohio Blade after admitting he digitally altered 58 photos... Tipoff for editors was his recent shot of Michael Jackson with his original nose.

Police at Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson Airport make an average of ten "indecent act" arrests a month in the mens restrooms... Mostly in and around the George Michael Food Court.

Cirque du Soleil will produce a new show based on the life and times of Elvis... The finale of which will feature acrobats scaling a giant lucite Fender guitar filled with multi-colored prescription hallucinogenics.
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"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job."

George W. Bush 9/20/2005 Gulfport, Mississippi
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Charles de Gaulle Airport has unveiled a 2.2 mile long driverless train... Amtrak runs driverless trains too----but not on purpose.

MTV is producing an American Idol type reality show called "The Road to Manudo."... First prize is a chance to audition for The Village People.

A new Pew Research poll shows that only 69% of Americans can identify a picture of Dick Cheney... About the same percentage that can identify him in a lineup following one of his "hunting" trips.

Turns out that mass killer was judged "psychologically unstable" by his college professors but was allowed to remain at large... Oh, I'm sorry----that was Bush.

The British pound has passed the $2 mark as inflation in England surges... To put this in laymens terms, it now costs Tony Blair twice as much to get hostages released.

A Harris poll shows that 24% of fans of professional sports don't approve of gay athletes... Most subscribe to a "don't ask, don't bet" policy.

Former Golden Girl Rue McClanahan's autobiography is entitled "My First Five Husbands"... Three of whom were Larry King.

American taxpayers have spent $1.5 billion on a GOP-sponsored sexual abstinance program for teens that hasn't worked... Undaunted, the Republican hacks will introduce a bill to bring back the chastity belt.

Andre Agassi hit his wife Steffi Graff in the face with his racket during a charity exhibition match... Andre was using the new Head "Bobby Brown Bruisemaker 500."

Mattel will soon unveil "Barbie Girls," the first new Barbie concept in four years... The new versions include "Overmedicated Barbie," "Bald Barbie," and "Rehab Barbie."

Thousands gathered at the courthouse in Nassau, Bahamas to learn the results of DNA tests to determine the paternity of Anna Nicole's baby... And the lucky dad?----Sanjaya Malakar.

Vehicles were banned from the streets as Iraqis celebrated the fourth anniversary of the fall of Baghdad... Marking the event by toppling a statue of Alberto Gonzales.

The Army will pay $1 billion in recruitment bonuses this year... Wouldn't it make more sense just to pay the insurgents to stop blowing them up?

The Journal Public Health reports a 24% increase in the morbidly obese over the last five years... And that was just Valerie Bertinelli.

British military authorities have withdrawn their permission for those captured sailors and Marines to sell their stories... But not before Faye Turney, the only woman in the group, signed to appear in Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue.
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"I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read----I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do."

George W. Bush 5/31/2000 On "Hardball"
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Bush reversed course and agreed to give the Guest Workers Program another shot... Much to the relief of the National Association of Illegal Immigrants who gave him a 21-leaf blower salute.

Bush's approval rating is 20 points below Bill Clinton's at the same point in his second term... Lesson here for future presidents: Better to do one person than the entire country.

Since 1950, more than 13,000 child molestation claims have been filed against the Catholic Church which to date has paid over $1.5 billion in claims... Which explains why Rog "Stonewall" Mahoney was recently spotted standing in line at a Pay Advance.

Chicago's Cardinal Francis George fractured his hip after slipping on some holy water... Attempting to walk across it, no doubt.
_______________________________________

Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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In an article on the Supreme Court, USA Today reports that "occasionally Roberts and Scalia launch into rapid, back and forth dialogues that recall the routines of Abbott and Costello".... While Clarence Thomas leans more toward Norm Crosby and Professon Backwards.

Thomas "sometimes goes for months without asking a question," the article goes on to say... Which is no surprise. Why open your mouth and remove all doubt?

Bitterly cold weather blanketed the east coast on Easter... It was so cold, worshipers at the Cathedral of St. John the Devine crucified Al Roker.

Mitt Romney, who claims to be "a lifelong hunter," has actually been hunting only twice... Once with Cheney and once with Phil Spector.

A Northwest Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Detroit was canceled because the pilot was yelling obscenities while passengers were boarding... I know what you're thinking----Who knew Imus could fly a plane?

Russian cosmonauts traditionally urinate on the tire of the bus ferrying them to the launch pad... Our astronauts don't have to do that because----well, you know.

A man completed a 9-week, 3272 mile swim down the Amazon River while suffering diarrhea, vertigo, hypertension, dizziness, nausea and delirium... He later said it was like watching 15 reruns of "American Idol" in a row.

It cost ex-Microsoft exec Charles Simonyi $25 million to fly to the International Space Station... Pretty steep until you consider he gets credit for 1,600,800,000 frequent flyer miles.
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"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting directly overhead."

George W. Bush 5/11/2001 Washington, D.C.
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Shock jock Don Imus draws the ire of MSNBC and CBS executives after calling members of the Rutgers womens basketball team "a bunch of nappy-headed ho's."... Which pretty much puts the kibosh on his co-starring Broadway debut with Michael Richards in "Pride and Prejudice."

Martha Stewart prepared a gourmet meal for boyfriend Charles Simonyi's civilian space flight that included quail roasted in Madiran wine, duck breast confit with capers, shredded chicken parmentier, apple fondant pieces, rice pudding with candied fruit and semolina cake with dried apricots... All washed down with a vintage bottle of 1938 Baron de Rothschild Tang.

Those captured British sailors and Marines now claim they were "separated, stripped, given pajamas and then put in solitary confinement."----No, wait a minute, that was Prince William after he was caught cupping the breast of that 19-year old girl in a pub.

Monica Goodling, the Gonzales aide scheduled to testify in the Senate hearings on the federal prosecutor firings, has resigned... Same day rats jumped from a Greek cruise ship about to sink in the Aegean. Coincidence?
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"See, we love----we love freedom. That's what they didn't understand. They hate things; we love things; They act out of hatred; we don't seek revenge, we seek justice out of love."

George W. Bush 8/21/2002 Oklahoma City, OK
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(Photo Caption) LA's Cardinal Roger Mahoney kisses the feet of a parishioner at Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral during a traditional Easter Week ceremony... Not to be confused with his annual Law Day tradition of kissing the ass of his criminal defense lawyers.

Christians across the globe celebrated Good Friday by reenacting the crucifixion of Jesus... Police in Burbank had to be called when Sanjaya Malakar tried to have himself nailed to Paula Abdul.

Gordon Hinckey, president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, defends the Book of Mormon, believed to have been translated from gold printing plates delivered to Joseph Smith by an angel... Despite persistent rumors that he bought them online from the Franklin Mint.

The New York Police Department has hired their first Muslim chaplin... Following a stringent job interview that included water boarding.

The Phil Spector trial prosecutor has challenged testimony from defense witness "Punkin Pie" Laughlin who claims victim Lana Clarkson "used Vicodin recreationally and was suicidal."... The prosecution hopes to defuse Pumpkin Pie's testimony with their own witness, "Peach Cobbler" McDuff.

Reversing a decades-long policy, Disney will now allow gay marriages in their Fairy Tale Wedding Program at theme parks and cruise ships... First couple to break the ice: Jiminey Cricket and Thumper.
_______________________________________

Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________

"The Screamer," a thrill ride at an amusement park near Sacramento, ejects riders who scream... Theme park officials say they got the idea from Magic Mountain's "The Fornicator."

The Journal of the National Academy of Dermatology reports that 24% of Americans between 18 and 50 sport tattoos... Twelve percent of which contain words that are misspelled.

Keith Richards told the British magazine NME that he snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine... Not to be outdone, Frederick von Alholt claims he snorted Anna Nicole Smith.

Country song writer Billy Joe Shaver, author of several Willie Nelson hits, was charged with shooting a man outside Papa Joe's Texas Saloon in Lorena... Ironically, his big hit was "Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Dick Cheney."

In Louisiana, five fifth graders have been accused of having sex in a classroom while other students watched while acting as lookouts... The investigation continues at New Orleans' Charlie Sheen Elementary.
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"The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money."

George W. Bush 9/13/2000 Westminster, CA
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A recent study by Allstate Insurance found that the slowest drivers in the nation live in Des Moines, Iowa...
Makes sense when you think about it. Where would they be in a rush to get to?

Dubbed "PrayerFlight," twenty-eight people flew over Cincinnati praying for Ohio's 11 million residents... Must have been grounded during the recent NCAA playoff game.

One day after he was hired, Arkansas basketball coach Dana Altman quit, saying "I wish I would have come to that decision earlier."... And we wish you would have spent more time in Freshman English, Dana.

A gay retirement home has opened in Hollywood, Florida... They have a nice golf course, but someone keeps rearranging the furniture in the clubhouse.

The rise in motorcycle fatalities has spurred efforts to pass more helmet laws... Which kind of defeats the purpose since motorcycles have traditionally been nature's way of thinning out the population.

A French V-150 high-speed train reached 357.2 mph, four short of the record held by the Japanese... Amtrak, of course, still holds the speed record for a train OFF the tracks.

McCain, once a GOP front-runner, now trails Romney in fund raising by $12 million... Even worse news for supporters of the aging hawk, Mrs. Giuliani now says she was once married to him.

To better accomodate smaller space vehicles, NASA will revise their height and weight requirements for astronauts... Also, continence is now a deciding factor during employment interviews.

Three Disney employees were among 28 child predators caught in a Florida sting operation... A reliable source within the rodent kingdom identified them as Sneezy, Grumpy and Doc.

The most popular names for boy babies in 2005 were Jacob, Michael and Joshua... Least popular: Karl, Alberto and George.

Bush visited Walter Reed Army Hospital and apologized for the scandal... Well, he sure as hell wasn't there to visit Tony Snow.

Bush warns Iran: "Give back the British hostages. They're innocent. They didn't do anything wrong."
You know, like those prosecutors he canned.
_______________________________________

Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________

A New York art museum removed an anatomically correct statue of Jesus made of chocolate after Cardinal Thomas Egan complained... Actually, there were two chocolate statues. The one with nuts pulled the card's rosary beads.

A French nun, Sister Marie Simon-Pierre, claims Pope John Paul II cured her Parkinson's Disease... When pressed, she admits it also could have been Penn and Teller.

Religious leaders are lobbying for immigrants' citizenship. LA's Mahoney says "The Catholic Church has helped every wave of immigrants coming to the US."... You got that right, Rog----a veritable Big Rock Candy Mountain of potential priest pedophilia victims.

As a condition of their bankruptcy filing, the Diocese of San Diego released the names of 38 priests accused of child sex abuse... Sniffed "Stonewall" Mahoney, "We release twice that many at a time."
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"I need to be able to move the right people to the right place at the right time to protect you, and I'm not going to accept a lousy bill out of the United Nations Senate."

George W. Bush 10/31/2002 South Bend, Indiana
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Ernest Hemingway and Marlene Dietrich exchanged love letters over many years, but never slept together, the newly discovered letters show... Not that they didn't try. Talullah Bankhead kept jumping into bed between them.

Hispanic groups say Ken Burns' upcoming documentary on World War II shortchanges Latinos' contribution to the war effort... Seems Ken somehow overlooked the Fifth Cavalry's elite Pinata and Mariachi Battalion.

Michael Jackson was "under the weather" recently, according to a spokesperson... He was pale, clammy, his voice was squeaky----no, wait a minute---that's when he's normal.

Nevada chalks up more murders annually than any other state... Most of them unsolved since what happens there----well, you know the rest.

Meredith Viera told Ladies Home Journal that she suffers from "gephydrophia"----a phobic fear of crossing bridges... Primarily bridges over troubled waters... to nowhere... too far... and Todd.

University of Toledo running back "Scooter" McDougal, Jr. was charged with throwing games for a car, a free cell phone, merchandise, gifts and cash... Say it ain't so, Scooter.

Brigham Young University is being urged by students and faculty to recind Dick Cheney's invitation to deliver this year's commencement address because "he lacks personal honesty and integrity"... Ol' "Shotgun" just doesn't measure up to the standards set last year by Tom DeLay.
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"I strongly believe we're doing the right thing. If I didn't believe it----I'm going to repeat what I said before----I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out."

George W. Bush 4/6/2006 Charlotte, North Carolina
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