Thursday, March 29, 2007

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The White House announced that press secretary Tony Snow's colon cancer had returned... Rush Limbaugh immediately claimed that Tony timed the announcement to drum up sympathy for Bush's failed Iraq war strategy.

Country warbler Wynonna Judd has filed for divorce from her hubby, J.R. Rouch after a Nashville grand jury charged him with with sexual assault on a minor... Or, as they call it in Tennessee----"dating."

A coroner's report indicated that Anna Nichol Smith's body contained traces of Ativan, Cipro, Klonopin, Methedone, Noctec, Robaxin, Soma, Topamax, Tylenol, Benadryl, Nicorette, Tamiflu and vitamin B-12... On a less pathetic note, she died a majority stockholder in Johnson & Johnson, Merck and Pfizer.

Bush administration hack Monica Goodling, senior laison between the Justice Department and the White House, will plead the Fifth Amendment when appearing before Congress... And that comes straight from her lawyer, Nunzio "Tony the Lip" Frappiano.

Monica is a graduate of a law school founded by Pat Robertson... Thank God her legal skills are beyond question.
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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The Inspector General reports that the $5 billion interagency communications network between the FBI, the DEA and the ATF does not work... They
concluded that it would be cheaper and more effective to just tap one another's phones.

A recent government survey shows that there are about 14,000 offenses prosecutable under federal law... Bush and his henchmen have vowed to test every one of them.

ESPN has sacked Joe Theisman and replaced him with Ron Jaworski as a Monday Night Football analyst... But on a brighter note, the producers did present him with the "Dennis Miller Trophy of Color Commentary Excellence."

Actor Eddie Griffin totaled his producer's $1.3 million Ferrari Enzo while practicing for a celebrity race promoting his new movie "Redline."... Thank goodness the car was fully insurred----with only a $400,000 deductible.

Nutty astronaut Lisa Nowak reported for her first day on her new job writing instruction manuals for the navy... Her first entry----"Place Depends on a flat surface absorbant side up."

FBI chief Robert Mueller testified before the Senate's Judiciary Committee on the Inspector General's findings of "sloppiness, mistakes and confusion" by agents... On a more positive note, there was no evidence of cross-dressing.
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"America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness, and for the unalienable right of life."

George W. Bush 11/4/2003 Washington, DC
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Several Annapolis midshipmen are accused of "groping female passengers and offering alcohol to underage girls" during a Spring Break cruise to the Caribbean... They are all stationed aboard the navy's training vessel, the "USS Roman Polanski."

A Delaware court will decide who owns memorabilia from Elvis's doctor including a nasal irregation device and a laryngeal scope used to examine the throat... Also on the list is a 1952 Gibson Stratocaster with which the doctor performed colonoscopies on the King.
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The British tabloid "The Sun" ran a photograph of Prince William in a pub cupping the breast of Lisa Agar, 19... An ancient Royal Family tradition that automatically conveys the title of "Vicountess" on the lucky recipient.

A new study shows widespread gambling on college campuses nationwide... One telltale sign that your kid may be involved----his faculty advisor is named Shorty "Daily Double" Lefkowitz and he makes house calls.

Official Beijing Olympics medals are unveiled----in gold with the 2008 Games logo and five interlocking rings... "Made in Taiwan" is stamped on the back.

Celebrity photographer Annie Leibowitz has been commissioned by Buckingham Palace to provide the queen's official portrait during her US visit in May... Liz agreed to sit for Annie anywhere but on the throne.
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"You're free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it will take time to restore chaos and order----order out of chaos. But we will."

George W. Bush 4/13/2003 Washington, DC
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The Congressional "Prayer Caucus Foundation" is encouraging Americans to pray for America... Preferably while kneeling on a prayer rug and facing
James Dobson.

Over the weekend, suicide bombers killed 47 people in Baghdad, 10 in Tal Afar, 11 in Haswa, and 20 in Quim. A total of 125 were wounded... The good news is the "surge" appears to be working. The bad news is----it's theirs.

Regis Philbin says the amount of pain resulting from his recent heart bypass surgery "surprised" him... Much worse, he claims, than the pain he went through during his Kathy Lee Giffordectomy.

Iran seized eight sailors and seven Royal Marines from the HMS Cornwall for "entering Iranian territorial waters." So far, it appears the British hostages have undergone intense interrogation and a routine dental exam.

Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad canceled a scheduled UN appearance after visas for members of his entourage failed to arrive in time. Also, he couldn't get reservations at Elaine's.

Mel Gibson told a Cal State Northridge Central American Studies professor to "F--- off!" after she challenged the historical accuracy of "Apocalypto." Which makes absolutely no sense since she's not even Jewish.

The Pentagon now admits that Pat Tillman's death in Afghanistan by friendly fire was covered up by nine officers including four generals... Looks like another one of those "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policies they're so fond of.

The California legislature is considering a bill to legalize assisted suicide... Until now, only the producers of "American Idol" have been legally allowed to do that.

Historians now agree that Jamestown settlers and not those at Plymouth Rock were the first to bring tobacco, slavery and cannibalism to the New World... Or, as they called it, New Jersey.
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Bob's book, "HOPE WRITER: My Life On The Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online at:
www.Hope-writer.blogspot.com
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After 40 years of service, the navy carrier USS John F. Kennedy was decommissioned... Which means the last Kennedy Family connection to the sea is the Chapaquiddick Bridge.

The author of the thriller novel "The Heart Shaped Box," Jim Hill, now admits that he's the eldest son of Stephen King... and his then wife, Cujo.

The Cincinnati Pops has canceled a scheduled concert featuring "Dukes of Hazzard" stars Tom Wopat and John Schneider after the NAACP complained... Looks like "An Evening With Michael Richards" may be on thin ice, too.

The body of Harry Houdini will be exhumed to determine if he was poisoned in 1927 and didn't die from an appendicitis as reported at the time... If the investigation is successful, next they plan to dig up Abe Vigoda.

Supermodel Naomi Campbell has completed her community service with Manhattan's Department of Sanitation for throwing a cell phone at her maid... She served her sentence by throwing her cell phone at homeless persons sleeping in unauthorized areas of the New York Subway.

Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards have been sued by two celebrity photographers for tossing their laptops off a hotel balcony... The case was brought under California's new Naomi Campbell cell phone law.

CBS has switched the Evening News to a "more formal" format, instructing Katie Couric to open with "Hello, everyone" instead of her usual "Hi." However, a substantial portion of the audience won't rest until they hear "Goodbye, everyone."
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"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."

George W. Bush 9/15/2002 Trenton, New Jersey
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A missing Boy Scout was rescued after spending three days and nights in the woods of North Carolina. Which is weird since he disappeared while helping an old lady cross a street in downtown Pittsburgh.

Al Gore testified before Congress on the effects of global warming. Waiving the usual rule, Nancy Pelosi allowed him to be sworn in on his Oscar.

A Miami court announced that the trial of astronaut Lisa Nowak will begin sometime between July 30 and August 12. Meanwhile, NASA engineers are rushing to replace missing tiles on her Huggies.

The New York City Council has been asked to name 53rd Street and 8th Avenue "Jerry Orbach Corner." Which would put it about midway between Telly Savalas Boulevard and Rue de Jack Lord.

Teachers in France have gone on strike to protest job cuts... and discontinuance of the traditional midmorning chardonnay and brie break.

Defense Secretary Bob Gates tells "Face the Nation": "This is not going to be solved by the military." Which must come as swell news to a grunt who's just had his ass blown off.
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"We've tripled the amount of money----I believe it's from $50 million up to $195 million available."

George W. Bush 3/23/2002 Lima, Peru
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Chiquita has admitted hiring Colombian terrorists to protect its banana crops. You think that's shocking---- the head terrorist was Juan Valdez.

Congress will hold hearings to name the new $127 million federal courthouse in Jackson, Mississippi. One proposal is to rotate the names of dead southern political hacks on a monthly basis.

The body of a woman who died on a British Airways flight from Delhi to London was moved from coach to First Class. Apparently part of their current "Fly Dead For an Upgrade" promotion.

Sports Business Daily has reported that Tiger Woods and Payton Manning are the "most marketable" professional athletes in the world today. Replacing last year's winners, Mike Tyson and Tonya Harding.

After appeals to the Iraq Supreme Court failed, Saddam Hussein's number two man was hanged in Baghdad to Bush's great relief. The guy's his head remained attached to his body during the entire procedure.
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Bob's book, "Hope Writer: On the Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures with the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online:
www.Hope-Writer.blogspot.com
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Hooters has announced that they will open a restaurant in Israel... on a site near the Wailing Wall to remind worshippers what they're praying for.

Don King has been granted an audience with Pope Benedict XVI. Don's in Rome to drum up support for a title match between Ben and Billy Graham.

Ending an association lasting decades, Sir Paul McCartney has left Capitol Records to sign with Starbucks new label. But fans fear his first album may be hard to play through a cardboard heatshield wrapper.

After Arnold Schwarzenegger called Rush Limbaugh "irrelevant," the two went head-to-head on Limbaugh's radio show. Which just goes to prove that body-building steroids and illegal prescription drugs don't mix.

The Pentagon reports that sexual assaults in the military rose 24% last year. And that's not even counting astronauts.

A six foot one, off-duty Chicago cop is charged with beating up a 125 pound, five foot four barmaid. The assault was caught by the surveillance camera at Ike Turner's Bruise 'N' Pummel Pub on the Loop.
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"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."

George W. Bush 4/28/2005 Washington, D.C.
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[] A drunk passenger jumped from a Carnival cruise ship off the coast of Miami and survived eight hours in 70 degree water. (USA Today 3/17)

Saved after someone tossed him an emergency midnight buffet.
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[] Cate Blanchett announced that she'll star opposite Harrison Ford in "Indiana Jones IV." (Associated Press 3/18)

She'll play Indiana's caregiver.
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[] Former nanny Melissa Dumas will write a tell-all book about her former boss, Madonna. (Associated Press 3/18)

Who she'll claim once threw Rosie O'Donnell at her.
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[] "Fashion Week" kicked off in Los Angeles. (Associated Press 3/18)

Hottest new summer outfit----the "Depends Bikini" from Malibu's Nutty Astronaut Swimwear.
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[] The 555 passenger Super Jumbo Airbus weighs over a million pounds. (Associated Press 3/18)

A quarter of which is luggage belonging to passengers on other planes.
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"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe... I believe what I believe is right."

George W. Bush 6/22/2001 Rome, Italy
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[] Pete Rose has admitted that he bet on every Cincinnati Reds game while their manager. (Cable News Network 3/19)

But staying within the rules. He swears he used a designated bookie.
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[] Heather Mills will compete on "Dancing With The Stars." (Cable News Network 3/19)

Yoko Ono is already demanding a voter boycott.
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[] Barack Obama is closing the gap on Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton. (Time Magazine 3/26)

Who is pulling out all the stops. Last night, she burned a pantsuit on his front lawn.
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[] Snowstorms caused US Airways to strand 100,000 passengers across the country. (Cable News Network 3/19)

Many of whom begged security officers to frisk them----just to keep warm.
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[] The FBI reports that $2.5 billion will be bet on the NCAA Championships. (Time Magazine 3/27)

Office betting the J Edgarites are good at----it's laptop computers they can't seem to keep track of.
_______________________________________

Bob's book, "Hope Writer: On the Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures as a writer for the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online:
www.Hope-Writer.blogspot.com
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[] In Athens, "300" topped all comers in box office grosses. (ABC News 3/14)

Oiled bodies writhing in mortal combat... hey, it's Greece.
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[] Ex-Senator Fred Thompson may make a presidential bid in 2008. (Associated Press 3/19)

Next to Bush, even an aging ham actor is starting to look good.
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"If you don't have any ambitions, the minimum-wage job isn't going to get you where you want to get, for example. In other words, what is your ambitions? And, oh, by the way if that is your ambition, here's what it's going to take to achieve it."

George W. Bush 8/29/2002 Little Rock, AK
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[] Bill Maher will host a documentary on world religions to be released in theaters in the fall. (Cable News Network 3/15)

Closely followed by sequels on Tarot card reading, astrology and UFO's.
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[] Los Angeles will install cameras in its police partol cars. (USA Today 3/19)

Edited versions of the police beating up suspects are expected to go directly to DVD.
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[] The trial of Phil Spector, accused of murdering Lana Clarkson, has begun in Los Angeles. (Associated Press 3/19)

Picking a jury of his peers may be a problem----unless O.J., Bobby Blake and Michael Jackson answer their summonses.
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[] Regis Philbin undergoes triple heart bypass surgery. (USA Today 3/13)

After his doctors told him he'd face death----or worse, turn into another Dick Cheney.
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[] Local priests in Mexico cleansed Myan ruins of "evil spirits" after Bush visit. (Associated Press 3/13)

Which came as quite a surprise since everyone thought Rove had stayed behind in Washington.
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[] New film "300" glorifies the "Spartan Code" embraced by Marines celebrating war, militarism and battlefield carnage. (Los Angeles Times 3/14)

Bush calls it a "date movie."
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[] Marine General Peter Pace calls gay troops "immoral." (Associated Press 3/14)

Tsk, tsk... and after they provided all those muscular, oiled bodies that make the "Spartan Code" so much fun.
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[] Only 62% of West Point graduates stay beyond their five-year commitment. (USA Today 3/12)

Looks like a cushy job at Halliburton or Fox News trumps the good ol' Spartan Code.
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[] VIP suites at Walter Reed Army Hospital are reserved for government dignitaries, Supreme Court justices, visiting world leaders and enlisted men who have won the Congressional Medal of Honor. (USA Today 3/16)

And even then, only if they agree to another tour in Iraq.
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"I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome."

George W. Bush 12/12/2005 Philadelphia
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Bob's book, "Hope Writer: On the Road With Bob Hope," recounting his hilarious adventures as a writer for the legendary comedian, is now available FREE online:
www.Hope-Writer.blogspot.com
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[] Pope Benedict XVI tells Catholics: "Abortion, gay marriage and priestly celibacy are not negotiable." (USA Today 3/14)

Like, say, the civil damages Father Feely incurred buggering altar boys.
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[] In his new book,"John Paul II, My Beloved," the pope calls Bob Dylan a "false prophet." (Associated Press 3/12)

I know what you're thinking. What's that "beloved" all about.
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[] Ford will offer a line of pink Mustangs aimed at the female market. (Associated Press 3/12)

Equipped pretty much the same as the male version except the air conditioner has three settings "Too hot," "Just Right" and "Wait a minute, I changed my mind."
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[] Kohler is now offering home builders "his" and "hers" toilets. (USA Today 3/16)

Guess which one's seat is permanently up.
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[] Rappers Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five were inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. (Cable News Network 3/12)

That low rumble you hear is the Big Bopper, Buddy Holly and Richie Valens----shifting positions.
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"I am going to work with every Cabinet member to set a series of goals for each Cabinet."

George W. Bush 1/2/2001 Austin, TX
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[] An archery club in Pennsylvania was charged with using live, domestic turkeys for target practice. (Associated Press 3/10)

Or, as Cheney calls it-----"hunting."
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[] Thousands of protesters in Uraguay taunt Bush, yelling "Murderer!" and "Fascist!" (Associated Press 3/10)

Which came as a surprise to Bush who had no idea Scooter Libby spoke Spanish.
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[] Miami Beach hosts "Models For Christ" to "bring faith to the fashion industry." (Associated Press 3/10)

Held in the Cathedral of St. Laurent.
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[] Gingrich admits to adultery while leading the charge to impeach Clinton. (USA Today 3/9)

Worse, with Mrs. Giuliani.
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[] General Petraeus warns of "long road ahead" before troops can be withdrawn. (USA Today 3/9)

And that's just from Walter Reed.
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"Listen, I want to thank the leaders of the... in the faith... faith... faith-based and community-based community for being here."

George W. Bush 9/6/2005 Washington
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[] James Brown's body has finally been placed in a crypt. (Associated Press 3/11)

But only after DNA samples ruled him out as the father of Anna Nicole's baby.
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[] Texas evangelical group Teen Mania gathers in San Francisco to "decry homosexuality as a sin." (Associated Press 3/11)

After being presented by the mayor with the Key to the Bath Houses.
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[] LA Sheriff's Office hires Jackie Chan to help recruit Asians. (Associated Press 3/11)

Step One: Convincing them that donuts are better for you than fortune cookies.
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_______________________________________
Bob's book, "Hope Writer: On the Road With Bob Hope,"
recounting his hilarious adventures as a writer for the
legendary comedian, is now available FREE online:
www.Hope-Writer.blogspot.com
_______________________________________
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[] New poll shows that 60% of Americans can't name five of the Ten Commandments. (USA Today 3/8)

Twenty-seven percent of those think the First Commandment is "Thou Shalt Not Have Sex With Contestants----Paula."
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[] New PGA Tour event has a military theme, admits GI's free. (USA Today 3/8)

Instead of sand traps----improvised explosive devices.
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[] Counterfeit vintage wine was found among bottles auctioned to collectors by Christies for up to $100,000 a bottle. (USA Today 3/8)

So convincing, the cast drank a bottle of it during the filming of "Sideways."
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[] Security screeners at LAX found wires and magnets hidden in a passenger's anal cavity. (Associated Press 3/7)

Flight attendants became suspicious when they noticed he kept sticking to the door of the galley refrigerator.
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[] Poll shows that 50% of Americans think that Sodom and Gomorrah were married. (USA Today 3/8)

And had a child----Ted Haggard.
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"As Luce reminded me, he said, without data, without facts, without information, the discussions about public education mean that a person is just another opinion."

George W. Bush 9/9/2003 Jacksonville, FL
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[] Scooter Libby was convicted on four counts of perjury and obstruction of justice. (Los Angeles Times 3/7)

His parents were convicted on one count of naming a kid "Scooter."
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[] Walter Reed Army Hospital Director Gen. George Wright was stripped of his command after the Washington Post exposed mistreatment of wounded soldiers. (USA Today 3/2)

During a formal ceremony in the lobby, he was stripped of his epaulets... the scrambled eggs on his hat were unscrambled... and you don't want to know what they did with his stethoscope.
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[] Bush has departed on a seven-day, five-nation tour of South America to discuss health care, education and business development. (USA Today 3/6)

And if these countries don't agree to help us, next he'll try Africa.
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[] Kobe Bryant was suspended for slugging Timberwolf guard, Marko Jaric. (USA Today 3/8)

This morning he sent Marko a diamond ring.
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[] Thousands of new $1 gold coins were circulated without the printing along the edge spelling out "In God We Trust" and "E Pluribus Unum." (USA Today 3/8)

Still others were jumbled to spell out "George Bush Is An Idiot."
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"The fact that he relies on facts... says things that are not factual... are going to undermine his campaign."

George W. Bush 5/4/2000 New York Times
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[] A court in Amsterdam, Holland ruled that the Hells Angels are not a criminal group. (Associated Press 3/7)

"Justice is served," said the group's leader, Lars "Mad Killer Daddy" Nordquist.
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[] Ernest Gallo, who along with his brother Julio, founded the Gallo Winery, is dead at age 97. (Associated Press 3/7)

He'll be buried Tuesday... in an oak-lined casket.
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[] A 65-year old cross removed from the altar at William & Mary College after non-Christians complained, has been returned, but now in a glass-enclosed display case. (Associated Press 3/7)

To emphasize its non-religious significance, it was placed beside a gold record won in 1968 by Peter, Paul & Mary.
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[] Cheney says the Bush administration will do all it can to treat and protect our wounded warriors. (ABC News 3/6)

And that's just Scooter Libby.
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[] NBC is denying reports that Brian Williams was sent to Iraq against his will to boost sagging ratings. (USA Today 3/6)

Actually, Brian had no choice. When Bush suspended the right of habeas corpus, NBC went along.
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[] High-level talks have begun to establish formal diplomatic relations with North Korea, once part of Bush's "Axis of Evil." (USA Today 3/6)

Which Bush now calls the "Burmuda Triangle."
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[] Angelina Jolie has begun the process of adopting a Vietnamese child. (Associated Press 3/3)

Jane Fonda is in charge of the arrangements.
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[] A stolen Norman Rockwell painting was found in the art collection of Steven Spielberg. (Associated Press 3/3)

Steve told investigating officers that the work was a thank you gift from John Baluchi for "1941."
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[] Katy Couric's ratings have dipped 500,000 from the 7.5 million viewers she inherited from Bob Schieffer. (USA Today 3/2)

CBS is getting so desprate, they're considering "Colonoscopy II."
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[] WaveBox has introduced a microwave oven that operates in a car. (USA Today 3/2)

And you thought New York cabs had some weird, foreign odors before.
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[] Daytona Beach, FL welcomed thousands of two-wheelers celebrating "Bike Week." (USA Today 3/5)

Led by Grand Marshal, Peter Fonda.
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[] British police have launched an anti-terrorism ad campaign asking the public to report suspicious behavior. (USA Today 3/5)

While keeping a close eye on Elton John and Boy George.
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"I don't bring God into my life to... to, you know... kind of be a political person."

George W. Bush 4/24/2003 Air Force One
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_______________________________________

[] March 2 marked the Annual World Day of Prayer. (USA Today 3/2)

Coninciding, appropriately enough, with the Annual Convention of the World's Gods, Dieties, Icons and Idols meeting in Sparta to elect a new president to succeed Muhammed whose two-year tenure expired on the Ides of February.

At press time, front-runners in the secret balloting appear to be Buddha, Zeus and Mr. Clean, with a strong showing from Mrs. Christ thanks to the publicity being generated by James Cameron.

Workshop seminars this year include "How To Avoid Repeating the Ted Haggart Debacle," "Theology----Hey, It's Not Rocket Science!" and "Seven Steps to Becoming All-Knowing."
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[] GOP presidential candidates addressed the 34th Annual Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington. (USA Today 3/1)

Widely believed to be the largest concentration of horses asses since Churchill Downs.
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[] Justice Department report says federal death sentence appeals take too long, traumatize victims' families. (USA Today 3/1)

Bush and his henchmen would like to schedule them after the execution.
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[] Bush introduces new designs for nuclear warheads. (New York Times 3/3)

To replace the old nucular ones.
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[] Cheney flies in a military C-140 named "The Strom Thurmond." (HBO 3/2)

It's easy to spot. Instead of a windshield, eye holes.
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"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"

George W. Bush 1/29/2000 Concord, NH
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[] Astronaut is charged with attempted kidnapping, set free on bond with an ankle tracking device. (Associated Press 3/3)

Which she must wear 24-7 along with her NASA-issued "Round Tripper" Depends.
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[] McCain tells Letterman "Iraq has wasted American lives." (Associated Press 3/1)

He later apologized, claiming he was looking at the band at the time and...
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[] "Titanic" director James Cameron claims to have proof in his documentary "The Last Tomb of Jesus" that Jesus was married. (USA Today 2/26)

"In the name of the Father... and of the Son... and of the Daughter-In-Law... and of the Holy Ghost... Amen."
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[] Jet Blue now offers passengers a "Bill of Rights" that protects them from being held captive on the tarmac. (USA Today 2/26)

It's printed on the free roll of Charmin you're supposed to use when the restrooms overflow.
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[] A 1908 Honus Wagner baseball card sold at auction for a record $2.35 million. (USA Today 2/24)

In a related story, a nude photo of Lindsay Wagner on her Sleep Number bed brought in $277.50.
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[] Queen Elizabeth may invite Oscar-winner Helen Mirren to tea. (Cable News Network 2/27)

Big question is whether curtsying will be required. Hey, if Helen demands a curtsy, she'll get it.
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[] (Photo Caption) "Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal towers over President Bush... " (USA Today 2/28)

Physically, too.
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[] Bush agrees to talks with Iran and Syria, aid to North Korea, countries he once dubbed the "Axis of Evil." (USA Today 3/1)

His new "Axis of Evil": Brittney, Paris and Lindsay.
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"I like my buddies from West Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them when I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president."

George W. Bush 2/1/06 Nashville,TN
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[] Cheney warns Pakistan President Musharraf: "You must get tough with Al Qaeda... " (ABC News 2/26)

"... take 'em dove hunting if need be."
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[] Al Gore will host a rock 'n' roll tour to drum up support for global warming. (NBC News 2/20)

Featured groups will include "Melting Glaciers," "The Melanomas" and "Wind, Fire and No Earth."
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[] Florida appeals court stays TV judge's order to bury Anna Nicole in the Bahamas. (Cable News Network 2/27)

But the judge did get some good news. He's next in line to replace Simon Cowell on "American Idol."
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[] Cheney's plane was repaired in Singapore after a generator failed. (USA Today 2/26)

According to a reliable source, he shot it while cleaning his 12-gauge.
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[] Vincent Pastore, "Big Pussy" on the Sopranos, bowed out of "Dancing With the Stars" during rehearsals, claiming it was "too physically demanding." (USA Today 3/1)

Not quite as demanding as sleeping with the fishes, but demanding.
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[] Hugh Hefner, 80, announces he's engaged to a 27-year old. (CBS News 2/28)

They're registered at Ripley's Believe It Or Not.
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[] Former Bush supporter Ricky Martin is now demanding an Iraq troop withdrawal. (NBC News 2/28)

Worse, he's dating one of the Dixie Chicks.
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"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself... not here at the hospital but iun combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me alittle scratch. As a matter of fact, the Colonel asked if I needed first aid when she first saw me.I was able to avoid any major surgical operations here, but thanks for your compassion, Colonel."

George W. Bush 1/1/06 Amputee Care Center, Brooke Army Hospital
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[] Keifer Southerland tells West Point cadets: "Torture is wrong." (ABC News 2/28)

Except, of course, if the torturee is the right wing slime ball producer of "24," Joel Surnow.
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[] McCain to David Letterman: "I'm in the race." (NBC News 2/28)

Hillary Clinton to "The View": "If I lose I'll become a pantsuit model."
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[] Canada's Parliament cancels anti-terrorist law passed after 9/11. (USA Today 2/28)

After concluding that the only terrorists in Canada are hockey players.
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[] New York City Council votes a non-mandatory ban on use of the "N-word." (USA Today 2/28)

Which effectively reduces Chris Rock's act to about a minute and a half.
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[] An American Idol contestant faces dismissal after photos of her having sex appeared on the internet. (NBC News 2/27)

Everyone knows the only one on the show allowed to have sex publicly is Paula.
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[] The Gap closes its Fourth and Towne stores aimed at mature women. (Associated P ress 2/27)

It was probably a bad idea to show mannequins using walkers.
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[] Krispy Kreme unveils a donut with only 180 calories. (Associated Press 2/27)

Called a "Krispy Bagel."
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[] A man in Yuba City, CA died in a head on collision he caused by using his laptop while driving. (Associated Press 2/27)

Prompting the Yuba City Star Tribune Herald Press Democrat to headline: "MAN CRASHES WHILE COMPUTER DOESN'T."
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[] Al Sharpton may seek DNA test to prove he's not related to Strom Thurmond. (Associated Press 2/27)

They won't even have to dig up Strom. They'll get a sample from his pillow case with the eye holes.
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[] Some airports will post distance signs to help travelers who want to exercise between flights. (USA Today 2/27)

Those who prefer weight-lifting can bench press a Hari Krishna.
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[] An 84-year old woman in Portland, OR is charged with having sex with an 8-year old boy. (Associated Press 2/17)

She pleaded not guilty by reason of senility.
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[] Bank of America to issue credit cards to illegal immigrants. (NBC News 2/20)

Green, of course.
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[] HBO documentary "Friends of God" features Christian miniature golf where players play through the Tomb of Jesus. (USA Today 2/26)

So realistic that when they hit a cut-out of Moses, he parts the Red Sea water hazard.
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[] A Florida panel is reviewing the state's death row procedure after an inmate required an extra dose of chemicals to die. (USA Today 2/26)

They may have to go back to good ol' reliable lynching.
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[] Virginia becomes the first state to "express profound regret over the involuntary servitude of Africans and the exploitation of Native Americans." (USA Today 2/26)

Wal-Mart may soon follow suit.
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