Sunday, February 25, 2007

[] Cheney visits Australia to drum up support for the war. (Associated Press 2/23)

At his welcoming ceremony, he was allowed to shoot an elderly aborigine in the face.

Next day, he was the keynote speaker at the annual convention of the International Association of Lesbian Dads.
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[] Jimmy Carter: "Cheney's batting average on the war has been abysmal." (ABC News 2/23)

His shotgun marksmanship has been nothing to write home about either.
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[] Carnival cruise tourists subdued muggers near San Jose, Costa Rica, snapping one's neck. (USA Today 2/23)

Using survival techniques learned at the Midnight Buffet.

They were on a theme cruise: "Discovering The Mysteries of South Central LA."
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[] The British Army in Afghanistan admits using psychics to help them locate Osama Bin Laden. (CNBC 2/22)

After astrologers recommended by Nancy Reagan failed.
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[] The Taliban has released seven more threatening videos. (Cable News Network 2/23)

Referred to at the Pentagon as a "boxed set."
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"I'm honored to shake the hand of the brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."

George W. Bush 5/25/04 Washington, D.C.
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[] A new study shows that auto makers' milage claims are inflated. (ABC News 2/23)

And that "new car smell" lasts about half as long as they claim.
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[] The ACLU protests the use of super-sensitive airport x-ray machines. (ABC News 2/23)

Despite the TSA's offer to airbrush out your love handles.
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[] A Christian group sued a Philadelphia school for banning Jesus costumes on Halloween. (Associated Press 2/24)

Problem was the young redeemers were going door-to-door demanding loaves and fishes.
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[] NASA issues detailed procedures for treating astronauts who go haywire in space. (Associated Press 2/24)

Rule one, get that emergency astro-diaper on them ASAP.
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[] The gourmet chefs at the $50,000 a month rehab facility treating Britney Spears are called "recovery nutritionists."
(Associated Press 2/24)

The beauty salon operators are called "baldness councilors."
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[] DefSec Gates apologized for the run down, mouldy, flooded refurbished hotel housing outpatients at Walter Reed Army Hospital. (NBC News 2/24)

That's the good news. The bad news is he's asked FEMA to fix it.
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[] A Greenwich Village Taco Bell was found to be overrun with rats. (Associated Press 2/24)

Fittingly, some as large as chihuahuas.
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[] A 990 pound squid was caught in antarctic waters south of New Zealand. (Associated Press 2/24)

Watch for Red Lobster's annual "Squid-O-Rama" promotion coming to your town soon.
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"Keep good relations with the Grecians."

George W. Bush 6/12/99 The Economist
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[] A bodyguard for Anna Nicole Smith told Larry King he tried to save her with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. (Cable News Network 2/23)

Now he's claiming he fathered the kid and wants a cut of the dough.
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[] Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones showered 40 Las Vegas strippers with $81,000 in small bills. (USA Today 2/23)

Which entitled him to three lap dances and a free buffet at Caesar's.
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[] Donald Trump will be interred under the wedding chapel on the grounds of his Bedminster, N.J. golf course. (USA Today 2/23)

Everything except his hair which he's promised to the Smithsonian Museum.
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[] Trump's beachfront mansion Maison de L'Amitie in Florida is for sale for $125 million. (USA Today 2/23)

Which comes with or without his live-in housekeeper/chauffeur/valet... Rosie O'Donnell.
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[] Chimps living near Senegal have been observed using spears. (USA Today 2/23)

Switch blades if they're Crips.
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[] A Quantas flight attendant was fired after she admitted having sex with Ray Fiennes in a restroom between Darwin and Mumbai. (USA Today 2/20)

And I'm thrilled to get a blanket, a pillow and a bag of stale peanuts.
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[] Archivists found a receipt dated 1546 and signed by Michelangelo for a night's lodging at St.Peter's Basilica while painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. (USA Today 2/20)

Included were several items from the mini-bar and three soft porn films.
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[] Actress Bridget Moynahan claims Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is the father of her child due in July. (USA Today 2/20)

Later, if the kid goes into overtime.
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[] Splashgear of Huntington Beach is offering polyester swimwear for Muslim women . (USA Today 2/19)

Currently featured on the cover of the annual swimsuit issue of "Amish World."
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[] Harlequin Books has launched a 16-book series of NASCAR-themed romance novels. (New York Times 2/19)

"Lanette gasped as Todd's Pennsoil-stained fingers eagerly released the buttons of her flame-retardant Nomex jumpsuit. Now the question was... could he reach the checkered flag without another pit stop to refuel?"
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"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together."

George W. Bush 8/18/00 Bartlett, Tenn.
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[] In the latest polls, Israel's prime minister Ehud Olmert got a 14% approval rating. (USA Today 2/19)

You know you're in trouble when Bush offers his condolences.
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[] Evander Holyfield, 44, will fight Vinny Maddalone, 33, in Corpus Christie. (USA Today 2/19)

Evander has hired professional boxing's first cutman/gerontologist.
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[] Prince Harry has received orders to report for military duty in Iraq. (Cable News Network 2/22)

Yesterday, he called Bush and said "Could YOUR father get me out of it?"
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[] McDonald's franchise owner Lou Groen invented the "Filet-O-Fish" in the 1960's to feed his Catholic customers during Lent. (USA Today 2/20)

His "Filet-O-Chopped Chicken Livers" aimed at the Jewish customers failed to catch fire.
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[] "Miracle Child" Amelia Taylor is medically out-of-the-woods after only 22 weeks in the womb. (USA Today 2/21)

Which, when you think about it, is less time than Charlie Sheen has spent in there.
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"Laura and I don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis."

George W. Bush 4/15/00 CNBC
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[] Robert Adler, who invented the TV remote while working as an engineer at Zenith, died at age 93. (Los Angeles Times 2/17)

His memorial service will take place as soon as they find his body.
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[] Britney Spears, her head shaved bare, got two tattoos on her neck. (Associated Press 2/18)

She wanted tattooed underpants, but the guy missed.
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[] New Mexico is testing urinal cakes that display anti-drunk driving slogans when they get wet. (Associated Press 2/17)

From www.Name-in-the-Snow.com.
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[] An Army drill sargeant was relieved of duty for appearing in a porn movie. (HBO 2/16)

"Debbie Does Fallujah."
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"I haven't had a chance to talk, but I'm confident we'll get a bill that I can live with if we don't."

George W. Bush 6/13/01 Brussels, Belgium
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[] CDC study shows that West Virginia, Kentucky and Mississippi lead the nation in heart attacks. (Associated Press 2 /17)

No surprise. Down there hog jowls is considered a vegetable.
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[] Fitness Magazine ranked Las Vegas the nation's fattest city. (CBS News 2/16)

And Wayne Newton its fattest entertainer.
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[] Clint Eastwood has been named a knight in France's Legion of Honor. (Associated Press 2/18)

He got a medal and a statuette of Jerry Lewis.
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[] The mummified body of a Hampton Bay, NY man was found watching TV, still on after a year. (Associated Press 2/18)

Neighbors thought he was rehearsing for a shot on "American Idol" doing his impression of Keith Richards.
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[] Mitt Romney has declared that he'll run for president in 2008. (PBS 2/17)

Or, in Mormonese, he tossed his sacred fishnet underwear in the ring.
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[] Two priests in Palm Beach, FL are accused of embezzling $8.6 million from St. Vincent Ferrer parish over a 40-year period. (Time Magazine 2/16)

First time priests have been charged with collection plate molestation.
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[] Montana is about to adopt the nation's first official state lullaby. (USA Today 2/16)

The theme from "Brokeback Mountain."
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[] Police officers in Nezahualcoyotl, Mexico are required to learn English before being promoted. (USA Today 2/16)

Starting with correctly spelling the name of their town.
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"Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace."

George W. Bush 7/25/03 Washington, D.C.
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[] Boston to ban trans fats. (Associated Press usa 2/16)

They'll begin by deporting Teddy Kennedy.
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[] California to legalize assisted suicides. (USA Today 2/16)

Mainly to protect the producers of "American Idol" from prosecution.
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[] The Mashpii Wampanoog tribe has been named an official Indian nation. (USA To2day /16)

They've launched a nationwide search for an easier-to-pronounce name for the casino.
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[] By 2030, 20% of US residents will be 65 or older. (USA Today 2/16)

And CBS will be back in first place.
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[] The window from which Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK failed to attract qualified bidders on e-Bay. (Associated Press 2/18)

It was offered as a package deal with a piece of the railing from the Chapaquiddick Bridge.
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[] Kleenex debuts a new box with photos on the side. (USA Today 2/12)

Which Kimberley-Clark hopes will do for missing noses what the milk carton did for missing kids.
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[] Harvard has installed its first woman president. (USA Today 2/12)

"From the tables down at Morrie's to the place where Louise dwells... "
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[] Singer Gerald Leverts' death was due to a fatal combination of Vicodin, Percocet, Darvocet, and Xanax. (USA Today 2/12)

A mixture known in the medical community as a "Limbaugh."
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[] Treasury Department releases a $1 coin with the image of George Washington. (USA Today 2/12)

Replacing the canceled $3 bill with a portrait of Mark Foley.
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[] Top Shiite cleric al Sistani says, "No one knows but Allah when this tragedy will be over." (USA Today 2/13)

And Bush won't get the word until he tells Jesus.
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"This has been tough weeks in that country."

George W. Bush 4/21/2004 Washington, D.C.
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[] Bush told C-Span "Most of Iraq is in good shape." (USA Today 2/13)

And also that Prince Von Anhalt is the father of Anna Nicole's baby.
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[] Fossils found on the Ivory Coast indicate that chimps used tools as long as 4300 years ago. (USA Today 2/13)

And never returned them to the gorillas they borrowed them from.
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[] Justice Scalia's daughter was arrested for drunk driving and endangering her three children. (Associated Press 2/14)

Maybe Cheney's daughter could adopt them.
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[] UN study shows US ranks last among industrialized nations in child welfare. (USA Today 2/15)

Thanks in large part to "family values" conservatives like Scalia's daughter.
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[] McCain told reporters "It's not the US presence in Iraq that upsets voters but rather the number of casualties." (USA Today 2/13)

Which includes, for good reason, any chance he may have had to occupy the Oval Office.
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[] Pentagon sources say the use of "explosively formed penetrators," EFP's, has increased drastically in Iraq. (Associated Press 2/12)

Not to be confused with "improvised explosive devices," IED's... troops "missing in action," MIA's... or "gatherers of grossly inaccurate intelligence," CIA.
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"My job is to... like... think beyond the immediate."

George W. Bush 4/13/2004 Washington, D.C.
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[] Men who approve of office romances outnumber women who do 47% to 36%. (USA Today 2/12)

About the same breakdown as those who steal office supplies.
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[] Ex-NFL quarterback Kenny Stabler owes the IRS $500,000. (USA Today 2/12)

Seems his tax lawyer's nickle defense didn't work as promised.
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[] In Bangkok, Thailand, "Epicurean Masters of the World" starring top-rated Michelin chefs Alain Soliveres, Antoine Westerman, and Jean-Michael Lorain hosted 40 gourmands paying $25,000 each for a ten course meal that included Creme Brulee of foi gras, mousseline of pattes rouges creyfish with morel mushroom infusion, tatar of Kobe beef with Imperial Beluga caviar, Periogard truffles, coquille Saint-Jacques, live Brittany lobsters, and white truffles, washed down with $200,000 worth of vintage wines including a 1967 Chateau d'Yquem, a 1959 Chateau Rothschild, a 1985 Romance Coati, 1990 Crystal Champagne and a 1961 Chateau Palmer considered "one of the greatest single wines of the 20th century." (Associated Press 2/11)

Dessert was a small child.
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[] General David Petraeus takes charge of US forces in Iraq, warning of "barbaric enemies who brag of inhuman acts... " (USA Today 2/11)

And that's just Pelosi, Mertha and Obama.
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[] Astronaut Sunita Williams set the women's space walking record at 22 hours. (USA Today 2/9)

And she managed to do it without wearing Pampers.
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[] Toyota officially joined the NASCAR Nextel Cup racing circuit. (USA Today 2/9)

Good match. Rednecks and the setting sun.
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[] KKK membership is growing as leaders stress the influx of illegal immigrants. (USA Today 2/9)

Wait until they discover who picks the cotton for those sheets and pillow cases.
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[] Richard Branson and Al Gore have posted a $1 million prize for a formula to reduce global warming. (New York Times 2/10)

Al will toss in an additional $250,000 if it also includes weight loss secrets.
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[] North Dakota will downgrade cohabiting from a sex crime to fraud if marriage is promised. (Associated Press 2/10)

A one night stand with livestock remains a misdemeanor if consensual.
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[] New "Fox Faith" division will market faith-based films. (Los Angeles Times 2/10)

Actually, it's their former science fiction division renamed.
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[] A Catholic cardinal close to the pope caleds the ban on teaching intelligent design in school "censorship." (Associated Press 2/10)

The padre has a point. Who but an intelligent designer could create a fresh, untouched altar boy?
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[] A laboratory at Princeton used to study ESP and telekineses shut down after 28 years. (Associated Press 2/11)

Worse, they didn't see it coming.
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[] Rev. Ted Haggard says rehab revealed that he's not gay. (Associated Press 2/10)

And to prove it, he donated his entire collection of show tune albums to benefit AIDS research.
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[] Airline Pilots Security Alliance says 8% of the nation's 100,000 pilots fly while carrying a gun. (Associated Press 2/11)

Next time he points out landmarks on the ground, you'd best take a peek.
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[] UC researchers find that male sweat triggers sexual arousal in females. (Associated Press 2/11)

But its advantages are canceled by a butt crack or a pocket donut.
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"And I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company."

George W. Bush 2/21/06 Air Force One
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[] L. Paul Bremer tells House committee: "I acknowledge I made mistakes in Iraq." (USA Today 2/7)

Not the least of which was wearing combat boots with $3000 Armani suits while Uzi-bearing mercenary bodyguards insurred his complete immunity from the vicissitudes of actual combat.
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[] Pentagon admits that it issued "moral waivers" to 35,000 troops now serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, many of them convicted felons. (Cable News Network 2/6)

Criminals started it. Criminals will finish it.
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[] Army Colonel Douglas on the troop "surge": "It's going to be much more than Baghdad has ever seen. It's going to be a rolling surge." (USA Today 2/6)

Think "Lawrence of Arabia Meets NASCAR."
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[] Evangelical Christian Bishop of Kenya denies the authenticity of Richard Leakey's 1.6 million year old skeleton of "Turkana Boy," saying, "These sorts of silly views are killing our faith." (USA Today 2/7)

Based, of course Bishop, on your silly views.
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[] Despite protests from scientists, the National Park Service's Visitor Center continues to sell "Grand Canyon: A Different View" which attributes the formation of the canyon to Noah's flood . (USA Today 2/5)

It's in the Science Fiction section, but still...
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[] Hasbro recalled over a million "Easy-Bake" toy ovens after multiple injuries were reported. (MSNBC 2/6)

Including cut fingers, bruised knuckles and several suicide attempts.
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[] M.A.C. has introduced a line of makeup that emulates the "Barbie" look.(USA Today 2/6)

Comes with a syringe for injecting air into your brain cavity.
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[] Wal Mart will sell day-old TV episodes for $1.98. (USA Today 2/6)

For ordering a copy of "American Idol, they'll pay YOU $1.98.
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[] Author of "Parenting the Millennial Generation" says: "The very narcissictic honestly believe they are awesome even when there's no evidence." (USA Today 2/6)

And that's just the judges.
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[] A soccer stadium in Italy has been closed until further notice following a post-game riot. (USA Today 2/6)

The championship match between the Sicilian Godfathers and the Catania Goodfellas.
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[] Apple Computers has settled a trademark dispute with the Beatles music company, Apple, Inc. (USA Today 2/6)

The high-level negotiations stalled when both sides refused to take custody of Yoko Ono.
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"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three... three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?"

George W. Bush 5/5/06 Washington, D.C.
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[] Ryan O'Neal faces charges of taking a shot at his son, Griffin, which he claims was in self-defense. (USA Today 2/5)

That's the bad news. The good news is Griffin has been signed as the on-air TV spokesman for Hearth-Master fireplace pokers.
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[] Astronaut Lisa Nowak charged with attempted murder, could get 30 years to life. (Cable News Network 2/6)

When she was told to get her instructions from Houston, she apparently thought they were talking about Whitney.

Colleagues believe she snapped after being told her next mission would be to Pluto.

NASA officials have alerted the public to be on the alert for the following warning signs that they're about to be attacked by a deranged astronaut:

1) Keeps yelling "One small step for man, one giant leap for CSI!"

2) Is carrying weapons in all 13 pockets of her flight suit.

3) Appears to be drooling Tang.

4) Warns you that "The eagle is about to land on your face."

5) She's weightless and you're not.
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[] Bowing to gay protests, Snickers dropped a commercial showing two straight men kissing and General Motors is under fire for a commercial showing a robot contemplating suicide. (USA Today 2/7)

You want a protest? Just wait until the top brass at NASA sees the new Depends commercial.
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[] From now on, the CDC will rank flu pandemics like hurricanes. (Associated Press 2/21)

And name them after those Bush administration putzes who got us into Iraq.
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[] Biden calls Obama "clean." (Associated Press 2/1)

The opposite of, say, Eddie Murphy's character in "Trading Places."
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[] The Virginia Legislature is considering a measure that would apologize to African-Americans for slavery. (Associated Press 2/1)

A rider that would apologize for Joe Biden died in committee.
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[] A jail nurse in Pittsburgh refused to give a rape victim birth control pills on "religious grounds." (USA Today 2/1)

Suggesting, instead, stoning the raspist.
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[] Illegal betting on the Super Bowl reached a record $8 billion. (Cable News Network 1/4)

Six billion of which will eventually end up with The Sopranos.
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[] Sandra Day O'Conner on the Supreme Court's decision in Bush vs. Gore:
"Given more time,I think we probably would have done better." (USA Today 1/2)

Exactly what Bush's parents have been saying for years.
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[] West Virginia will offer courses on how to reverse the state's rampant obesity rate. (Time Magazine 2/12)

Rule number one: No more than three deep fried possums a week.
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[] Gripped by the worst drought in its history, Queensland Australia will use water from recycled sewage. (Time Magazine 2/12)

But vintage sewage... from France.
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"Calling Bush shallow is like calling a dwarf small."

Molly Ivins 1944 - 2007
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[] The City of Los Angeles has set up internet cafes on Skid Row. (USA Today 2/1)

Which explains all those "Will Download For Food" signs popping up around town.
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[] Americans spent 1% more last year than they earned. (ABC News 2/1)

And charged it on their credit cards at 18% interest.
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[] The state of Georgia may apologize for sterilizing 3300 mental patients between 1937-1977 to eliminate "heriditary flaws." (USA Today 2/2)

Known down there as "redneck cleansing."
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[] Quarterback Brett Favre, 37, has resigned with the Packers. (Associated Press 2/3)

After the NFL graciously waived their "no walkers in the huddle" rule.
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[] San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsome apologized to voters for an adulterous affair with his appointments secretary. (Associated Press 2/2)

I didn't even know mayors had Oval Offices, did you?
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[] General George Casey to the Senate Armed Services Committee: "I actually don't see it as slow failure. I see it as slow progress." (New York Times 2/2)

Pentagon lingo for "The glass isn't half empty, it's half full... of American blood."
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[] ABA's Maryland Nighthawks have signed 370 pound, 7-9 Sun Ming Ming, who will be the tallest player in pro basketball. (USA Today 2/1)

He'll be shipped from Beijing in sections and reassembled in Baltimore.
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"Actually I... this may sound a little West texas to you... but I like it. When I'm talking about... when I'm talking about myself... and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."

George W. Bush to Chris Matthews on "Hardball" 5/31/00
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