Suicide Bomber

[] Seinfeld's Kramer, Michael Richards, responded to hecklers at Hollywood's Laugh Factory with racial epithets, invective and multiple repetitions of the "n word." (CBS News 11/20) His uncharacteristic outburst prompted these responses:

John Kerry: "Everybody botches a joke now and then."
Sen. Trent Lott: "He was just paying tribute to trees and ropes."
George Bush: "I didn't even like him when he was a Rolling Stone."
Mel Gibson: "Obviously, the Jews had something to do with it."
Paris Hilton: "At least he didn't try to drive afterward."

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[] Protesters jeered Bush's arrival in Indonesia. (USA Today 11/20) He thanked them for making him feel at home.

[] Bush daughter Barbara was the victim of a purse snatcher while visiting Buenos Aires. (ABC News 11/22) Just a few bucks in it, but it had all her personal items----tooth brush, credit cards, makeup, church key, cork screw, breathalyzer...

[] Troops in Iraq will be issued fire-retardant Nomex suits to protect them from IED explosions. (USA Today 11/22) The Pentagon figured they should at least be as safe as a NASCAR driver in the midst of moonshine-swilling hillbillies in the pits at the Firecracker 500.

[] Henry Kissinger told the BBC that "It's impossible to win in Iraq." (USA Today 11/20) Well, they think that's what he said. He may have said "It was impossible to get Peggy Lee in the sack."

[] The number of babies born by Caesarian section rose 46% over the last ten years. (USA Today 11/22) A rate that seems to be, no pun intended, going through the roof.

[] Three Muslin clerics were removed from a US Airways flight after praying in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport lobby before boarding. (USA Today 11/22) Problem was, instead of using prayer rugs, they knelt on Hari Krishnas.

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[] This year's Cat Fanciers Association cat show will, for the first time, include an agility course. (USA Today 11/21) Other events include the 200 Meter Couch Shredding Medley Relay, the Hairball Shot Put and the Food Rejection Triathlon.

[] MADD has launched a campaign to require all new cars to come equipped with an ignition-connected breathalyzer. (USA Today 11/20) The most popular device, made in Israel, is called "the Gibson."

[] Church leaders often cite Leviticus 18 to condemn homosexuality: "You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination." (USA Today 11/20) Problem is, three lines later, it condemns eating catfish.

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Bereft on the Left will be back in a moment, but first, this important message...

You're in for a fun read if you haven't sampled Bob's online book entitled "HOPE WRITER: My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory." It's chock full of backstage stories and celebrity anecdotes from the author's seventeen years "on the road" with Hope and it's audio-illustrated by Odeo.com. Now you can hear the classic songs, sketches and comedy routines that made Hope TV specials so unique. That golden era may be gone, but the memories linger on at:

www.hope-writer.blogspot.com

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[] The nation's highest paid university president is Wilmington College's Audrey Duberstein who receives $2.7 million annually. (USA Today 11/20) But most important, she's guaranteed a parking place.

[] House Ways & Means committee chairman Charlie Rangel will introduce a bill to reinstate the military draft. (USA Today 11/20) To provide future generations of Bushs something to duck.

[] Senator John Kerry insists that his "botched joke" will not deter him from seeking the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination. (USA Today 11/20) Although his out-of-touch, Back Bay, Yalie, snob-dominated, Sperry Topsider and chinos sensibilities may.

[] Rangers at Custer State Park in South Dakota conducted their 41st annual bison auction, selling 213 buffalos. (USA Today 11/20) Potential bidders had to provide viable evidence that they would provide them new homes with plenty of deer and antelope at play.

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[] Following a nationwide trend among law enforcement agencies, the Virginia State Police will replace all of their "10-4" radio codes with ordinary speech. (USA Today 11/20) Besides the "Read you loud and clear" code made popular by Brodrick Crawford on Highway Patrol, other favorites include "10-20": "What is your location?" and "10-80": "I just spotted OJ and he's carrying a bloody knife."

[] The American Federation of Government Employees wants to unionize the nation's 45,000 airport screeners. (USA Today 11/20) Which makes sense. Do you want to give someone making minimum wage unlimited access to your privates?

[] More than 3000 orthodox rabbis have gathered in Brooklyn for an international conference. (USA Today 11/20) Top item on their agenda will be trying to adopt a uniform bris protocol.

[] "Happy Feet," featuring dancing penguins, outgrossed "Casino Royale" on their opening weekend. (USA Today 11/20) Moviegoers had to decide who they wanted to watch dressed in tuxedos.

[] The US Treasury Department has unveiled their new $1 gold coin. (USA Today 11/20) Will it eventually replace the paper bill? It's a tossup.

[] FedEx, UPS, DHL and the Postal Service are the nation's largest airborne shippers. (USA Today 11/20) Delta, too, if you count misdirected luggage.

[] The Fox News channel will offer a weekly, conservative-leaning, half hour show that will target "the sacred cows of the left." (USA Today 11 21) Fox has agreed to pick up the tab for Bill O'Reilly's sense-of-humor transplant.

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[] Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were married in the Odescazchi Castle in Bracciano, Italy in a former stable decorated simply with white flowers. (Associated Press 11/19) Beside the rough-hewn manger in which Tom was born.

[] Katie wore a fitted off-the-shoulder ivory silk bridal gown adorned in Valenciennes lace and Swarovski beaded crystal embroidery featuring a delicate crinoline frill at the shoulders and a silk soleil border around the hem with an ivory tulle floor-length veil and ivory silk shoes. (Associated Press 11/19) Tom showed up in an off-the-rack seersucker suit from Ross Dress For Less.

[] The twenty minute ceremony ended with a never-ending kiss that prompted some guests to shout "Stop! Stop!" (Associated Press 11/19) Much as they do when Tom threatens to make another "Mission Impossible" sequel.

[] For the wedding reception, Holmes changed into an asymetric champagne Georgio Armani Prive evening dress of silk organza decorated in Swarovski crystal beads. (Associated Press 11/19) After cutting the five-tiered chocolate layer cake, the bride tossed her bouquet which was caught by Pope Benedict XVI.

[] Israel's deputy prime minister says Palestinian leaders should be assassinated. (Associated Press 11/19) Prime Minister Ehud Olmert later apologized, explaining that Avigdon Lieberman had just emerged from a special screening of "Casino Royale."

[] "Thunderball," "Goldfinger," and "You Only Live Twice" are the top-grossing Bond films so far. (USA Today 11/17) Lowest grosser: "From Peoria With Love."

[] For the first time since 1931, an iceberg has been sighted off the coast of New Zealand. (Associated Press 11/18) Oceanographers immediately named it the "Katherine Harris."

[] Parents in Shiloh, Illinois are seeking a ban on "And Tango Makes Three," a childrens book about two male penguins who adopt an orphaned penguin. (Associated Press 11/18) The two met while working as choreographers on "Happy Feet."

[] Seven hundred passengers aboard Carnival's cruise ship Liberty came down with the flu-like novovirus. (Associated Press 11/17) They were immediately transferred to the Liberty's sister ship, the Montezuma's Revenge.

[] A body builder was ejected from a Planet Fitness Gym for excessive grunting while lifting weights. (New York Times 11/18) He was bench-pressing his girlfriend, Heather.

[] Whitney Houston's $1.4 million, five bedroom home in Atlanta has been forclosed. (Associated Press 11/28) You inhale a couple of mortgage payments and ----

[] Mel Gibson was named "coldest person in Hollywood" by Film Threat.com. (Associated Press 11/18) Coldest uncircumcised person.

[] Bush tells an audience in Hanoi that "we won the Vietnam war." (Associated Press 11/18) Due in no small part to his military service there.

[] The F.D.A. has approved silicone breast implants, ending a 14-year ban. (Associated Press 11/18) Also, the use of the term "silicone valley" for any residual cleavage.

[] Hawaii has banned smoking in or within 20 feet of restaurants, bars, lobbies, offices, arenas, stadiums and airports. (USA Today 11/17) Or within ten feet of Don Ho.

[] China will test all food to be eaten by Beijing Games athletes with white mice. (USA Today 11/17) Canaries for those in underground events.

[] Ohio State's Troy Smith and Notre Dame's Brady Quinn are front runners for this year's Heisman Trophy. (USA Today1 1/17) And to add to the suspense, they're both dating the same girl.

[] TMX Elmo and Sony's Play Station 3 are expected to lead in toy sales this Christmas. (USA Today 11/17) Expected to tank at the cash register: Tyco's "How I Did It" O.J. action figure (knife and glove optional).

[] Moms stage a "nurse-in" after a woman was removed from a Delta flight for breast feeding. (USA Today 11/17) Flight attendants didn't want the other passengers to see someone enjoying a tasty meal.

[] Before the Iraq war began, Bush estimated its cost at $50-60 billion. The war is now expected to end up costing $600 billion. (USA Today 11/17) Not to mention both houses of Congress and his legacy.

[] The Postal Service has reduced to five years the length of time a person must be dead before appearing on a stamp. (USA Today 11/16) Which means Keith Richards will qualify next April.

Newsweek Magazine says Rove was so confident of victory, he planned to convene a panel of Republican political scientists to determine why the polls were so wrong. (MSNBC 11/13) Instead, he's convened a panel of Republican proctologists to examine his newly-reamed anal receptor.

Says Joe Klein in Time Magazine: "Bush's decision to delay the sacking of Rumsfeld until after the election will undoubtedly stand as one of his greatest mistakes." (Time Magazine 11/20) Second only to saying "I do" on January 20, 2000.

Rumsfeld is considering various employment options following his tenure as Defense Secretary. (USA Today 11/10) He'll probably accept a professorship at West Point teaching Shock & Awe 1-A.

Bush is visiting Asia this week, stopping first in Vietnam. (CBS News 11/14) Until now, his closest contact with Hanoi has been his hatred of Jane Fonda.

Trent Lott has been chosen the GOP's new minority whip. (MSNBC 11/12) A shoo-in. He may be a Klansman, but you have to admit, he's never molested anyone.

Ohio University has removed disgraced congressman Bob Ney's name from a building on campus. (USA Today 11/15) All is not lost, however. In Bob's honor, the rugby team has been renamed the Douche Bags.

Gerald Ford has passed Ronald Reagan as the US president who has lived the longest. (Los Angeles Times 11/12) And he's still remarkably spry for his age. He remembers everything except pardoning Nixon.

The US Department of Agriculture refers to mass hunger in its official documents as "food insecurity." (USA Today 11/16) Their verbs for voluntary starvation are "to moss" or "to flockhart."

The "Virtual Global Task Force" is a new international police unit formed to track down internet pedophiles. (USA Today 11/16) So far, all their leads have led to the Vatican.

A judge in Batavia, Illinois has refused to halt a high school production of
"Fuggegeddaboutit ---- A Little Mob Comedy" after the Order of the Sons of Italy protested. (USA Today 11/16) Nothing new here. Last year, they produced a takeoff on "Grease" called "Greaseball."

Eli Sherman, founder of the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame has passed away at 74. (Los Angeles Times 11/15) Which has two members ---- Hank Greenberg and Sandy Koufax.

Robert B. McCurry, the Chrysler executive who invented the rebate, has died. (USA Today 11/15) His family has already already mailed in proof of his funeral expenses attached to his death certificate.

Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight insists he was "lifting Michael Prince's chin, not slapping him." (USA Today 11/15) You know, like George Patton lifted the chin of that shell shocked private.

A UCLA study shows that film production is the second leading cause of air pollution in the Los Angeles basin. (USA Today 11/15) First place goes to the three major television networks' script departments.

Black Christmas trees are all the rage this holiday season. (USA Today 11/15) So much so, there's a shortage of skulls to hang on them.

The Marine Corps' "Toys For Tots" program has reconsidered after turning down a donation of 4000 "speaking" Jesus dolls. (USA Today 11/15) Problem was, the little guy speaks in rap.

Ernestine Galbreth, co-author of "Cheaper By the Dozen," which spurred the 1950 film starring Clifton Webb and the 2003 remake with Steve Martin, has died. (Time Magazine 11/20) A planned sequel, "Cheaper By the Baker's Dozen," never materialized.

Head of Germany's Secret Police during World War II, Marcus Wolf, suave spymaster known as "the man without a face," has died at age 83. (Time Magazine 11/20) Not to be confused with Michael Jackson, known as "the face without a man."

Wal Mart will soon begin selling wine. (CBS News 11/14) As soon as they can figure out how to produce it in a sweatshop.

Divers off the coast of Spain have discovered clay jugs that held a shipment of fish sauce bound for the Roman Empire in the first century. (USA Today 11/14) Some with their labels still attached ---- "Benihana of Thebes."

KFC's Colonel Sanders has shed his white coat for an apron ---- only the company's fourth logo change in 50 years. (USA Today 11/14) Last one was when they took the axe out of his hand.

China will soon enforce a "one dog per family" policy. (USA Today 11/13) That's "per family," mind you, not "per meal."

A list of World War II veterans in a Taylor County, Georgia government building is broken down into "Whites" and "Blacks." (USA Today 11/13) The whites are further broken down into "light" rednecks and "dark" rednecks.

Andy Griffith has sued Harold Fenrick for changing his name to Andrew Griffith to run for sheriff of Madison, Wisconsin. (Associated Press 11/12) Luckily, Harold's son, Opie, is a lawyer.

Former pitcher Dwight Gooden was released from prison after serving nine months of a year's sentence for a parole violation. (Cable News Network 10/9) The judge decided to pull him when it was clear he was tiring and losing his stuff.

Denise Richards, filming a movie in Canada, threw a laptop off a balcony at a photographer who was stalking her. (Cable News Network 11/09) Luckly, Denise had purchased the Toshiba "Lensbuster 9000."

The airlines are currently losing 33% more luggage than last year. (New York Times 11/12) On the plus side, passengers are now allowed to buy duty-free clothes.

The United Nations has voted Norway the "Best nation to live in," followed by Finland and Australia. The US ranked eighth after Ireland, Sweden, Canada and Japan. (USA Today 11/10) On the plus side, America was named "Best banana republic to live in."

Tests at the National Marine Laboratory in Sarasota, Florida indicate that manatees may be a lot more intelligent than previously believed. (Associated Press 11/11) This may not mean much to you, but the Bushes are ecstatic.

The state of Texas has executed 24 people so far this year. (USA Today 11/10) In fact, they have an offer on the table to do Saddam.

The pope has convened a summit to discuss removing the ban on married priests. (USA Today 11/14) To replace the traditional hair shirt.

Rumsfeld fired! (ABC News 11/8) He actually resigned, according to Karl Rove, "to spend more time with his family" .... and with the lawyers preparing for his war crimes trial.

Senator Rick Santorum, who once equated homosexuality with beastiality, was soundly defeated for reelection in a landslide. (Cable News Network 11/7) Due mainly to his last minute loss of support from the National Association for the Advancement of Buggery.

Dennis Hastert says he won't seek a leadership position in his party when Congress reconvenes. (USA Today 11/8) Denny will be too busy trying to extract the samurai sword Bush sent him.

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Biblical Drivel...

Despite threats of a boycott by non-Christian groups, Wal Mart will return to using the word "Christmas" this holiday season. (USA Today 11/9) They have agreed, however, to replace the baby Jesus in their nativity scene with a non-denominational African orphan they rented from Madonna.

Catholic bishops have approved a directory of "doctrinally correct hymns." (USA Today 11/9) Among which are the perennial favorites "The Immaculate Conception Blues," "Rising From the Dead is Hard to Do", "Don't Go Changin' Water Into Wine For Me," and "He's Not Heavy, He's My Altar Boy."

The Vatican has asked officials in Israel to cancel the gay pride parade in Jerusalem because it's "demeaning to Christians." (USA Today 11/9) Real reason: the pope doesn't want priests taking all that time off.

Pentacostal pastor shuts down "Jesus Camp" after being exposed in a documentary brainwashing children. (USA Today 11/8) It will be converted into a rehab center to be named after Ted Haggard.

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Show Biz Buzz...

The wrapper on Al Gore's new DVD "An Inconvenient Truth" can, if planted and watered, produce basil. (USA Today 11/8) It's not widely known that Al invented basil shortly after he invented the internet.

After 30 years of "Come on down!", Bob Barker will retire from "The Price Is Right" in June. (Time Magazine 11/13) As to what he'll do in retirement, he's still groping for an answer.

Britney Spears has filed for divorce from Kevin Federline. (USA Today 11/8) On the grounds of "irreconcilable bad career decisions."

A judge has dismissed a defamation lawsuit filed by Britney Spears against US Weekly. (USA Today 11/17) Citing the time-honored legal principle of "Separation of Slut and Reputation."

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Locker Room With a View...

Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was upended by a player and broke his leg on the sidelines during a game against Wisconsin. (USA Today 11/7) Before he hit the turf, four Penn State pre-law students handed him their cards.

Tiger Woods has announced that he'll form a company to design golf courses worldwide. (USA Today 11/7) Which he vows will build more courses than Jack Nicholaus's company.

John Daly suffered through his worst year on the pro tour with one win and earnings of only $192,134 ---- files for divorce from his wife Sherrie. (USA Today 11/8) Worse, he's lost his main endorsement ---- Annhauser-Busch.

Figure skater Michelle Kwan has been named to a non-salaried US ambassadorship. (USA Today 11/8) Replacing the Bush administration- appointed Tonya Harding.

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Science Undigested ...

A Berlin-based research group has ranked Finland "the least corrupt country in the world." (USA Today 11/7) But not for long. Tom DeLay is threatening to build a retirement home in Helsinki.

Giant snails that escaped from a cargo ship in 2000 and have been multiplying ever since are destroying crops all across the Caribbean island of Barbados. (USA Today 11/9) Careless chefs at the popular fast food chain "El Pollo Escargot" are being blamed for the disaster.

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Board Room Banter...

Imelda Marcos has founded a company that will produce a line of affordable fashion jewelry. (USA Today 11/7) Beginning with the "Moonlight Over Corregidor" Collection.

US and British researchers from Cambridge University and M.I.T. have designed a virtually silent passenger jet that could be in service by 2015. (USA Today 11/7) Sooner if they can figure out a faster way to wind up the giant rubber band.

FED EX has blamed production delays for canceling its 380-Airbus order ---- switching to Boeing 777's. (USA Today 11/8) Which are easier to double-park.

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"Praze Dee Lawd..."

Head of the National Association of Evangelicals, pastor of New Life Church, presidential advisor Ted Haggard ousted after 3-year "gay-for-pay" relationship with a male prostitute is revealed. (NBC News 11/2) Looks like the "gel" in evangelical stands for KY Jelly... No doubt, Ted will enter a rehab program, but experts agree that evangelicalism is one of the toughest addictions to conquer.

Here are some danger signs issued by the Atlanta Synod that your pastor may be following in Ted's sandal prints:

1) Uses the King Jamie version of the bible
2) Holds choir practice at Chippendale's
3) Is constantly rearranging the pews
4) Likes to do everything in tongues
5) Insists there was a 13th apostle named Kyle

Former Pentagon advisor Richard Pearle blames Bush for "huge mistakes," calling his national security advisors "among the most incompetent teams in the post WWII era." (USA Today 11/3) On the plus side, he thinks Bush has done a bangup job "keeping the twins off the sauce."

John McEnroe beat Bjorn Borg in an exhibition singles match in Dubai. (USA Today 11/3) Highlighting the "AARP-Sun City-Viagra-Nexium-Depends Open."

Iran test fires a missile capable of reaching Israel. (USA Today 11/3) It's designed to destroy everything except delis.

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have hired Charles and Diana's lawyers to battle over a $1.5 billion fortune. (USA Today 11/3) You can be sure Heather won't be taking a limo ride anytime soon.

"When I see those 'Girls Gone Wild' videos, it makes me glad my daughters never went to college." Roseanne (HBO 11/4)

Neil Patrick Harris, TV's Doogie Howser, M.D., told People Magazine he's gay. (USA Today 11/4) But he denied ever giving Ted Haggard a massage.

A school bus driver in Seattle was fired after giving Bush the finger as his motorcade passed. (USA Today 11/2) She told authorities she was just trying to prepare him for Tuesday.

Miss Great Britain was decrowned after admitting that she slept with one of the judges. (USA Today 11/3) Pageant officials advised Danielle Lloyd to apply to American Idol where such behavior is tolerated.

The first Catholic cathedral built in the US has reopened in Baltimore after a $34 million restoration. (Associated Press 11/5) With updated ammenities including criminal defense lawyer conference rooms and a separate entrance for process servers.

"Gray's Anatomy" star T. R. Knight has admitted being gay. (Time Magazine 11/6) Which was the biggest shock at a network since Paul Lynde outed himself on "Hollywood Squares."

"I hate getting old. I'm dry where I'm supposed to be wet and wet where I'm supposed to be dry. And I multi-task. I pee when I sneeze." Roseanne (HBO 11/4)

"Honk if You're Innocent... "

"Death vans" visit villages in China to perform lethal injections for offenses from tax evasion and smuggling to government corruption. (USA Today 11/2) Between injections, the driver doubles as a Good Humor man.

Ann Coulter faces prosecution for voter fraud for casting a ballot in the wrong precinct. (USA Today 11/2) She voted in Warlock Township when she actually lives in the Village of Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble.

Thirty percent of New Yorkers don't own a car. (USA Today 11/2) Worse, 12% of those lack a middle finger to hail a cab.

A GOP lawmaker in Florida resigned after being convicted of leaving obscene racial slurs on a colleague's voice mail. (USA Today 11/2) And violating the Republicans' time-honored tradition of sexually explicit e-mails.

The Catholic group CaAction.com advises Catholics on how to vote based on bans on euthanasia, stem cell research, human cloning and homosexual marriage they claim appear in the Catechism. (USA Today 11/2) Which they're still combing to find a pedophilia loophole.

NASCAR driver Robby Gordon was disciplined for tossing trash on the track during the Bass Pro Shops 500 in Atlanta. (USA Today 11/2) Not to be confused with the trash watching the race.

N.B.C. has canceled the highly touted "Kidnapped." (USA Today 11/2) After too many viewers sent them a ransom note by not tuning in.

Marilyn Monroe's pantaloons are among personal items up for auction at Bonham's in London. (USA Today 11/2) Along with several garter belts Tony Curtis wore in "Some Like It Hot."

Harvard Med researchers found that the chemical "restueratrol" found in red wine may extend life. (USA Today 11/2) They stumbled on this after several extraordinarily healthy mice were discovered living on Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon at Trader Joes.

A little past cocaine use is okay says LAPD recruiters----but not meth or heroin. (USA Today 11/2) Which pretty much dashes the law enforcement career hopes of Courtney Love.

Martha Stewart will be a celebrity chef on Yahoo Food. (USA Today 11/2)Martha's first segment will cover several holiday variations of slop and gruel she learned in stir.

Barbie is teaming with trendy M-A-C Cosmetics to hype provocative products like "Encounter" and "Night Affair." (USA Today 11/2) G.I Joe will help sell mens' cologne like "Iraqi Tent" and "Evening in Kabul."

K.F.C. will replace trans fats with healthier soybean oil. (USA Today 10/30) They've already replaced their popular "Bucket o' Grease" with the "Tub o' Health."

New F.B.I. crime report says the most dangerous city in America is St. Louis. (USA Today 10/30) Home of valet car jackings.

A new CNN poll shows that 51% of Americans believe the US can never win in Iraq. (Cable News Network 10/30) About the same percentage who believe that Rosie can never really replace Star Jones on "The View."

Bob Barker has announced that he'll depart "The Price is Right" next June. (USA Today 11/1) The network let him guess the month without going over.

Zugat's annual list of America's top restaurants places New York's "Le Bernadin" and San Francisco's "Gary Danko" first and second. (USA Today 10/31) Missing the list by the width of a French fry were Houston's "Spleen-On-a-Stick" and "Hooter's Nipple World" in Peoria.

The Pentagon will replace the Humvee with the $750,000 Buffalo, a v-bottomed vehicle impervious to roadside bombs. (USA Today 10/31) The civilian version has already been ordered by several rappers.

The American Red Cross vows to rid itself of ill-qualified presidential appointees to restore its image tarnished by its Katrina response. (USA Today 10/31) And will now offer a wider selection of donuts at disaster sites.

The federal Administration of Children and Families will fund programs that promote sexual abstinence up to age 29. (USA Today 10/31) Which will include distribution of condoms with imbedded audio chips that say "Is this really necessary?" as the condom is unrolled.

That soldier missing in Iraq is now believed to have married his Iraqi girlfriend. (USA Today 10/30) Now he'll have to face his C.O. AND his mother-in-law.

The World Music Awards will present Michael Jackson with the "Diamond Award" for selling 100 million albums. (USA Today 10/30) And for paying $100 million in pedophile suit settlements.

"The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric" has dropped to third place in the ratings. (USA Today 10/30) Due primarily to the loss of her endorsement from the American Association of Incessant Perkiness.

The Army has blamed its failure to notify families of seven soldiers of their cause of death in Iraq on "the fog of war." (USA Today 10/31) Also the cause of them being sent there in the first place on "the fog of president."

Stolichnaya Vodka seeks to attract gay and lesbian drinkers with a one-hour documentary on the LOGO channel entitled "Be Real: Stories From Queer America." (USA Today 10/26) Narrated by Mark Foley.

Neilsen ratings for the World Series were the lowest since televising the games began. (USA Today 10/26) Desperate by game three, Fox hyped it as a reality show and renamed it "Lost: The Series."

Teens in El Dorado, Kansas must submit to drug testing before being allowed to park on campus. (USA Today 10/28) The new rule was first implemented at Paris Hilton Middle School.

The National Animal Identification System will require all farmers and ranchers to register their livestock. (USA Today 10/28) So far, the Bush administration has refused to grant amnesty to animals from Mexico.

The NBA has issued new rules covering attire allowed on the court during games. (USA Today 10/28) Uniforms must be stylish, loose-fitting and tattoo-friendly.

Parcels packed with cocaine washed up on the shoreline near Lisbon. (USA Today 10/26) Looks like Whitney Houston isn't taking any chances with Customs.

A new survey shows that 6% of air travelers last year found romance with strangers during their flight. (USA Today 10/26) A third of those without leaving their seat.

ABC's "Desperate Housewives" has halted its season two ratings plunge, leveling out in season three. (USA Today 10/26) The show has been renamed "Comfortably Ensconced Housewives.

Naomi Campbell was arrested in London after scuffling with another woman. (ABC News 10/26) She was unarmed, but under British law, a model's knees are considered lethal weapons.

The Vatican has agreed to pay $10 million to seven boys sexually abused in the diocese of Los Angeles. (Los Angeles Daily News 10/27) The Father and the Son caved early but the Holy Ghost was the sole holdout.

Jimmy Stewart is the thirteenth honoree in the Postal Service's "Legends of Hollywood" stamp series. (Associated Press 10/26) Next up is their "Drumbeat of Druggies" series featuring Janice Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, John Balushi and Chris Farley.

British heavy metal rockers Black Sabbath have reunited with a new name: "Heaven and Hell." (USA Today 10/26) Following the rebirth of Earth, Wind and Fire as "Asbestos, Lead and Mercury."

Catholic bishops adopt new rules more accepting of gays and allowing them to "reveal their tendencies only to friends, family and their priest." (New York Times 8/29) An eccleasiastical version of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"----"Don't Bless, Do Confess."

Los Angeles will spend $1.9 million to install intersection cameras. (Los Angeles Daily News 10/26) The ones in Hollywood are more expensive because they come with a boom mike.

Last week marked the 120th birthday of the Statue of Liberty. (CBS News 10/27) Whose torch has been out since Bush abolished the Writ of Habeas Corpus.

The Iraq war is costing the Bush administration $4 billion a week. (CBS News 10/26) A hundred million just to bribe the generals to say we're winning it.

The Centers for Disease Control recommends frequent hand-washing during the flu season. (CBS News 10/26) More often if shaking hands with congressmen, tobacco company executives, or lawyers.

A survey of costume-makers shows that Osama bin Laden and Mark Foley were top sellers this Halloween. (USA Today 10/26) Followed by Bush and Condoleezza Rice dressed as Hitler and Eva Braun.

Dick Clark has put his career memorabelia up for auction. (Associated Press 10/29) Ed McMahon is expected to fetch well into four figures.

Harrison Ford has announced his willingness to star in another Indiana Jones film. (Los Angeles Daily News 10/29) "Indiana Jones and the Search for the Lost Viagra Mine."

Marauding rioters in France fire-bombed 277 cars and busses. (Associated Press 10/29) Using what are called over there "incindiare explosione a la improvization."

Forty percent of scientists now working for the government say they're looking for other jobs because of Bush administration ethics that inhibit research. (Associated Press 10/29) Some say they may even apply at tobacco companies.

Fidel Castro appeared on Cuban TV to dispel recent rumors of his death. (Associated Press 10/29) He insists he's healthier than Cheney.

The pope told a group of Irish bishops that Catholics "continue to regard their clergy with affection and esteem." (Associated Press 10/29) As long as they keep their hands where everyone can see them.