Conan the Barbarian... August 30

To hear a Scott Joplin piano medley whilst reviewing today's comedic offerings, press here:

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[] NBC apologizes for Conan O'Brian's plane crash opening on the Emmy Awards broadcast Sunday. (Associated Press 8/28)

Tasteless, but not as tasteless as the Jon Benet Ramsey opening it replaced.

[] Emmy Nielsens were down 14% from last year. (Cable News Network 8/28)

They may have to go back to honoring shows that are still on.

[] Farrah Fawcett, Jaclyn Smith, Kate Jackson and Joan Collins pay tribute to Aaron Spelling at the Emmys. (USA Today 8/28)

While Tori and Candy Spelling agreed to abide by the cease fire resolution passed by the UN.

[] Matthew Broderick broke his collar bone when he fell off a horse while vacationing in Ireland. (Cable News Network 8/28)

When he called wife Sarah Jessica Parker for sympathy, all he got was "The sun'll come out to--mor--roooooow... "

[] A new biography of Elizabeth Taylor claims she's so bad at math, she counted on her fingers until she was 17. (USA Today 8/28)

Husbands.

[] Redskins owner Daniel Snyder picks up Tom Cruise after Paramount's rebuff. (USA Today 8/29)

Tom gets a guarantee of $10 million a year and Daniel has to change the name of his team to the "Red Scientologists."

[] Fugitive bigamist Warren Steed Jeffs is captured. (USA Today 8/30)

Caught buying wedding anniversary cards in a Rite-Aid.

[] Three football players have sued Mexico State University, claiming they were cut from the team for being Muslims. (USA Today 8/29)

They'd have gotten away with it, too, if they didn't insist on calling signals in Farsi.

[] San Francisco is awash in violence with 62 murders so far this year. (USA Today 8/30)

Tony Bennet has asked for his heart back.

[] The Today Show may expand to four hours. (USA Today 8/30)

To fill the fluff vacuum that Katie Couric left.

[] The House of Representatives will conduct a "Zero Tolerance Roundtable" on how to ban steroids from sports. (USA Today 8/30)

Post-roundtable party will feature a Barry Bonds pinata.

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Nearer, My C.O., to Thee... August 27

] NBC apologizes for Conan O'Brian's plane crash opening on the Emmy Awards broadcast Sunday. (Associated Press 8/28)

Tasteless, but not as tasteless as the Jon Benet Ramsey opening it replaced.

[] Emmy Nielsens were down 14% from last year. (Cable News Network 8/28)

They may have to go back to honoring shows that are still on.

[] Farrah Fawcett, Jaclyn Smith, Kate Jackson and Joan Collins pay tribute to Aaron Spelling at the Emmys. (USA Today 8/28)

While Tori and Candy Spelling agreed to abide by the cease fire resolution passed by the UN.

[] Matthew Broderick broke his collar bone when he fell off a horse while vacationing in Ireland. (Cable News Network 8/28)

When he called wife Sarah Jessica Parker for sympathy, all he got was "The sun'll come out to--mor--roooooow... "

[] A new biography of Elizabeth Taylor claims she's so bad at math, she counted on her fingers until she was 17. (USA Today 8/28)

Husbands.

[] Redskins owner Daniel Snyder picks up Tom Cruise after Paramount's rebuff. (USA Today 8/29)

Tom gets a guarantee of $10 million a year and Dan has to change the name of his team to the "Washington Scientologists."

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Pedo Feelers...

[] "Armor-of-God" based in Florida is offering childrens pajamas designed to resemble Catholic religious vestments. (HBO 8/25)

Available with the optional "Let's Play Pedophile!" board game from Parker Bros.

[] Sonoma County, CA bishop Daniel Walsh faces possible charges of failing to report a pedophile priest before he could flee to Mexico. (Associated Press 8/26)

In deference to rank, prosecutors dragged their feet so they wouldn't have to nail him to the cross during Lent.

[] A brush fire burned 40 acres of Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. (Associated Press 8/26)

Briefly threatening to engulf the Subpoena Wharehouse and the Shyster Lawyer Reception Center.

Michael was spotted dangling a firefighter out a second story window.

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Executive Privilege...

[] Long time State Farm Insurance agents told the FBI that the company routinely refused to pay Katrina victims and shredded fraudulently altered damage reports. (ABC News 8/25)

(Violins in background) "... Like a good neighbor... "

[] Forbes.com editor warns men that career women make poor wife material. (ABC News 8/25)

Especially when they demand a corner bedroom, their own key to the bathroom and a designated parking space in the garage.

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Water Hazard...

[] Tiger Woods has called for mandatory drug testing in the PGA. (Associated Press 8/26)

Under the terms of which, all tournament participants would receive an official scorecard, a pencil and a plastic cup.

Now if Phil Mickelson can just keep from choking mid-sample.

This gives a whole new meaning to the term "casual water."

It would go a lot easier if they could take the test after the 19th hole.

Good news and bad news: "You won the tournament, but your caddy has diabetes."

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Kosher Korner...

[] Jackie Mason has filed suit against "Jews For Jesus," alleging they published his picture without permission. (Cable News Network 8/25)

Can't blame him. It was that one of him flipping Ed Sullivan the bird.

Problem is, back then he looked like Mel Gibson.

[] Ellen Burstyn received an Emmy nomination for a 15 second performance in "Mrs. Harris." (USA Today 8/25)

Give people what they want and you'll be rewarded for it.

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30 Rock Cocaine... August 24

[] NBC has slashed the budget of "Saturday Night Live"----vets Parnell, Souz and Thompson move on----Fey and Poehler doing a new show----Darrell Hammond still unsigned. (USA Today 8/23)

For the first time, the drug dealers outnumber the cast.

[] Emmy goodie bags will include Emmy-shaped doggie treats ($200), "Ultimate Ears Custom Fit Earphones" ($900), a Giantto watch ($2500) and a "Hearts on Fire" diamond pendant. (USA Today 8/23)

Unfortunately, no sign of what the nominees really need----decent scripts. (Priceless)

[] Paramount has dropped Tom Cruise after 14 years, (USA Today 8/22)

When Sumner Redstone asks for baby pictures, he wants baby pictures.

[] Walter Jagiello, known as "Lil' Wally the Polka King" has passed away at age 76. (USA Today 8/24)

He was found mangled in the folds of his accordian following a late-night recording session.

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Sports Mania...

[] After being traded to the Jets, running back Kevin Barlow called 49er coach Mike Nolan a Nazi. (USA Today 8/24)

Mike was unavailable for comment traveling with the team for an exhibition game against Poland.

[] The University of Oklahoma has banned its athletes from working at Oklahoma City's Big Red Sports and Import Car dealership. (USA Today 8/23)

At most southern colleges, the used car sales career traditionally follows the gridiron career.

[] NASCAR driver Carl Edwards was fined $20,000 for intentionally colliding with Dale Ernhardt Jr.'s car. (USA Today 8/23)

He also has to watch "Talladega Nights" ten times in a row.

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Terrific & Scientific...

[] First proposed in 1904, the "Poincare Conjecture" surmises that some complicated shapes can be mathematically treated as spheres. (USA Today 8/23)

Not to be confused with the "Pointer Sisters Conjecture" which surmises that occasional halftime appearances do not a singing career make.

[] Archelogists digging in Mexico have unearthed evidence that the Aztecs captured, sacrificed and partially ate several hundred people in 1520. (USA Today 8/24)

Most condemning evidence is a faded sign reading "El Loco Gringo."

[] Some workaholics are being treated for addictive answering of e-mail. (ABC News 8/23)

Symptoms include nausea, dizziness and an uncontrollable desire to end every e-mail with LOL.

[] According to the National Traffic Safety Administration, motorcycle accidents rose 13% over the last 12 years. (USA Today 8/23)

Harley & Davidson meet Johnson & Johnson.

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Biz Fizz...

[] After animal rights protests, Ben & Jerry's canceled a contract with an egg supplier who mistreated chickens. (USA Today 8/23)

And pulled their flavor-of-the-month "Rhode Island Red Rocky Road Kill."

[] Willie Nelson has joined animal rights activists to seek a ban on the slaughter of American horses for the European market. (Cable News Network 8/22)

Like France's popular fast food chain, Mc Seabiscuit.

[] Many leading hotel chains now play louder muzak in lobbies, shops and restaurants to appeal to younger, hipper guests. (USA Today 8/23)

Which pretty much confines Yanni and Kenny G to elevators and dentists' offices.

[] Mike Roberts, number two man at McDonald's, has resigned unexpectedly. (USA Today 8/24)

According to industry analysts, he was McNudged out.

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Montezuma's Revenge...

[] Marine reservists, some having served up to four tours in Iraq, are being called back to shore up dwindling recruiting figures. (USA Today 8/22)

They have a new motto: "Semper Fi(nd) us a way out of this quagmire!"

[] NASA has named their new space vehicle "Orion." (USA Today 8/23)

The first in their new Salute to Movie Studios series. Next up, the Miramax Lunar Rover.

[] College students in New Delhi are protesting a government plan to allow admission of students from lower castes. (USA Today 8/23)

In Ivy League terms, that's like Alpha Phi Omega taking in a Gamma Delt.

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Locker Ruminations... August 22

[] New Orleans Saints rookie Reggie Bush was fined $10,000 for wearing glittering gold cleats in his first exhibition game. (Los Angeles Times 8/19)

Somehow, officials overlooked his sequined helmet and feather boa shoulder pads.

[] Three time Olympic gold winner Marion Jones tested positive for drugs. (Associated Press 8/19)

"They can't prove a thing!" fumed her performance enhancement coach, Barry Bonds.

[] New England quarterback Tom Brady on being linked to Barry Bonds's trainer, "A week from now, I don't think it will mean nothing." (Los Angeles Times 8/20)

Sounds like Tom may have cut a few English classes at Harvard.

[] ESPN will place the Little League playoffs on a 5-second delay after a player in the dugout was heard uttering an obscenity. (USA Today 8/22)

Obscenities, under well-established Little League rules, are the exclusive provence of the parents in the stands.

[] Adam Durley, Little League first baseman for Dhahran, Saudi Arabia, is six-eight. (USA Today 8/22)

His wife is tall, too.

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Amen Corner...

[] Pilgrims are flocking to a Fountain Valley, CA candy factory to view chocolate drippings in the shape of the Virgin Mary. (Los Angeles Times 8/19)

Holding a melted Tootsie-Pop baby Jesus.

[] The John Mark Karr case is a reminder of Thailand's image as a magnet for pedophiles. (USA Today 8/21)

Not as strong a magnet as the Catholic priesthood, but strong.

[] Princeton Review survey ranks Utah's Brigham Young University last as a party school. (Cable News Network 8/21)

Nothing wild or spontaneous has ever occurred there. Well... if you don't count the founder's binge marrying.

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Tops in Pop...

[] Rap artist Busta Rhymes was charged with third degree assault after a scuffle with New York police. (USA Today 8/21)

Details are sketchy, but involve "menacing gestures with sharp-edged gold jewelry."

[] Paris Hilton tells Blender Magazine about her new CD, "I like, cry, when I listen to it. It's so good." (Cable News Network 8/21)

I still, like, won't buy it.

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Specifically Scientific...

[] Researchers at San Francisco's Womans and Teen Girls Mood and Hormone Clinic found that women think about sex once a day while men think about it every 58 seconds. (USA Today 8/22)

And with a little luck line up with her once-a-day.

[] A National Academy of Science study concluded that small-brained, 3-foot tall "hobbits" were indeed human. (USA Today 8/22)

Which makes their American Idol stats secure.

[] A CNN poll found that 61% of Americans oppose the war in Iraq. (Cable News Network 8/21)

Coincidence maybe, but that's the same percentage who voted for Al Gore.

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Ten Hut!...

[] Finland has pledged 250 troops to serve as UN peacekeepers in Lebanon. (USA Today 8/22)

Members of Helsinki's battle-hardened 101st Sauna Followed By a Frigid Swim Battalion.

[] Over 80 US military recruiters were disciplined last year for sexual misconduct with potential recruits. (USA Today 8/21)

Under the controversial "I'll ask, but you won't tell" rule.

[] Gerald Ford had a pacemaker implanted at age 93. (CBS News 8/21)

Bush wants to keep him alive until Jerry can pardon him for getting us into Iraq.

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Government Befuddlement... August 20

[] The latest war on drugs, begun in 2000, has left the quality and availability of cocaine virtually unchanged. (Associated Press 8/19)

Ah, but don't forget they finally caught Rush Limbaugh.

[] Under the No Child Left Behind Act, Bangladore's TutorVista provides free tutoring to kids in the 10 poorest rural counties in the south. (Time Magazine 8/28)

Just what we need----hillbillies with an Indian accent.

[] The city of Santa Barbara, CA provides low-cost housing to buyers making up to $160,000 a year. (Los Angeles Daily News 8/20)

Still in the planning stages: easy-access soup de jour kitchens.

[] Boulder, CO police are gathering evidence in an attempt to corroborate John Mark Kerr's confession . (Los Angeles Daily News 8/19)

One little problem: He also confessed to the Kennedy assassination.

[] Bill Clinton celebrated his 60th birthday. (CBS News 8/19)

No cake this year, but Monica did blow out his candle.

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Biz Fizz...

[] Frys founder John Fry will build a $50 million Moorish castle to house the headquarters of the American Institute of Mathematics.

Who, all will agree who have ever shopped at Fry's, will find themselves out of luck if they have to return a defective theorem.

[] Ford will close ten assembly plants that make pickups and SUV's. (USA Today 8/18)
[] Boeing to shut down factory making C-17 cargo jets. (USA Today 8/19)

Problem is, all get about the same gas milage.

[] AAA reports that the most-stolen car in the US is the BMW Roadster. (CBS News 8/19)

Which most thieves return voluntarily after they take it in for routine maintenance.

[] BP checks for leaks in its Prudhoe Bay oil pipeline with a device called a "smart pig." (Time Magazine 8/28)

Don't know about you, but I'm happy to see that Tom DeLay is working again.

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Biblical Drivel...

[] The Archbishop of Canterbury has called for a meeting of high-ranking Anglican Church leaders to determine if the bible bans gay relationships. (Associated Press 8/19)

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wan't that question pretty much put to rest in Saint Peter's letter to the Carpathian Eunuchs?

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Triumphs of Science...

[] The FDA has approved a mix of listeria-killing viruses to spray on deli meat, hot dogs and sausages. (Associated Press 8/19)

Hardly new. 7-Eleven has offered viruses on their meat for years.

[] An article in the journal Nature reports the discovery of a key gene that helped the human brain evolve from that of chimps. (Associated Press 8/19)

Why it somehow managed to bypass George W. Bush has anthropologists baffled.

[] Orange County, CA health officials have warned residents to avoid freshwater crabs after paragonious parasites were found on several samples. (Los Angeles Daily News 8/20)

Putting its best spin on the outbreak, the Red Lobster has launched its all-you-can-eat "Crab Leg Penisil-A-Thon."

[] Barry Manilow will undergo hip surgery following his appearance in Las Vegas. (Associated Press 8/19)

Actually, it's a transplant. Tom Jones donated one of his.

[] Ellen Barkin won a $20 million divorce settlement from billionaire Ron Perlman. (Time Magazine 8/28)

Setting a new trophy wife record.

[] The Dixie Chicks canceled tour dates after abysmal ticket sales in the Land of Cotton. (Time Magazine 8/28)

No surprise here. Wasn't that a little like Marlene Deitrich booking Berlin during World War II?

[] Rumors swirl that Vanity Fair photographer Annie Leibowitz has taken photos of the Cruise-Holmes infant. (Time Magazine 8/28)

Without, the rumors say, the mood-altering drugs she had to force-feed the Brooke Shields baby.

[] CBS has purchased $10 million worth of New York City bus ads to hype Katie Couric's debut. (New York Times 8/20)

And the cover of the American Medical Association Journal will feature a shot from her colonoscopy.

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Euphemistics... August 18

[] To help downplay Iraq war casualty figures, Congress is considering a bill banning the publication of names or images of military personnel without their permission. (USA Today 8/17)

And from now on, grieving families will be asked to have the bugler just hum taps.

[] A federal judge held that Bush's warrentless surveillance program is unconstitutional. (USA Today 8/18)

He may continue, however, to use the FBI, the CIA and the Secret Service to keep track of Barb and Jenna while bar-hopping.

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Ecclesiastical Claptrap...

[] The Vatican has warned its priests stationed in Africa to stop moonlighting as witch doctors, fortune tellers and healers. (USA Today 8/17)

Because that, as they well know, is the pope's job.

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A Tisket A Tasket...

[] NASA has misplaced the original video clip of Niel Armstrong taking his first step on the moon. (USA Today 8/14)

Until it turns up, they're using an old Michael Jackson clip.

[] Astronomers want to add three more planets to the solar system. (USA Today 8/16)

Great. Something else NASA can lose track of.

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Illiteratti...

[] About a quarter of all entering college freshmen are required to take remedial literacy courses. (USA Today 8/17)

At least until the classics are reformatted as video games.

[] The FBI reports an alarming increase in teenage bank robberies. (USA Today 8/16)

In a more positive vein, it does force them to bone up on the spelling, punctuation and grammar required of an effective demand note.

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Populosity...

[] "Sixth Sense" star Haley Joel Osment faces charges of drunk driving and possession of marijuana. (USA Today 8/18)

"I see uniformed people."

[] "Snakes on a Plane" opens in theaters nationwide. (USA Today 8/18)

The plot is loosly based on a congressional junket hosted by Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff.

[] For the first time, the NFL will allow hand-held TV cameras on the field between the 35 yard line and the end zone during time outs. (USA Today 8/18)

As if defensive linemen weren't enough, now players will have to avoid the paparazzi.

[] According to TNS Media Intelligence, the average age of Emmy Awards viewers is 52, (USA Today 8/18)

The balloting is now conducted by Price Waterhouse and AARP.

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Papal Staples... August 14

[] The pope told Vatican radio, "My job is really tiring." (USA Today 8/14)

Not surprising with that daily routine: Morning prayers... Mass... review latest sex abuse subpoenas... prayers... reassign pedo-priests... prayers... sign pardons for pedo-priests... prayers... ordain more pedo-priests... prayers... private audience with defense lawyers... prayers... hide church assets... prayers... write encyclical condemning gay marriage... prayers... give address condemning Roe vs. Wade... prayers... meet Pat Robertson for golf...

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Tops In Pops...

[] To promote local animation, Peking has banned foreign cartoons on Chinese TV between 5 and 8 p.m. (USA Today 8/14)

Including "The Simpsons," Pokeman, Mickey Mouse and Bush's press conferences.

[] Lou Diamond Phillips is jailed for physically abusing his girlfriend. (USA Today 8/14)

He explained to police that he was preparing for his upcoming movie role as the lead in "The Ike Turner Story."

[] Kate Hudson and musician Chris Robinson have split after six years. (USA Today 8/15)

Kate's current release has been renamed "You, Me, Dupree and Not Chris."

[] Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards have "amicably resolved" all issues before the divorce court. (USA Today 8/15)

She gets title to the Malibu beach house which he gets to use on alternate weekends with no more than six hookers at a time.

[] Dell has recalled 4.1 million laptop batteries that could catch fire. (USA Today 8/15)

Just in time for their new ad campaign: "Hey, dude, you're getting a Dell... and a year's supply of Unquentine."

[] New cable network "Plum TV" will be devoted entirely to seniors. (Associated Press 8/15)

Their "Early Bird" prime time schedule will begin at 5:30 p.m. and end by 9.

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Sports of Sorts...

[] Jerry Rice was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame in South Bay, Indiana. (Los Angeles Times 8/13)

Even more impressive, he came within three votes of an Emmy nomination for "Dancing With The Stars."

[] After making a bad play, Minnesota Twins center fielder Torii Hunter microwaved his glove. (Los Angeles Times 8/13)

When Kobe Bryant screws up, he just buys his wife a ring.

[] Andre Agassi pulled out of the upcoming Cincinatti Masters because of back pain. (Los Angeles Times 8/13)

Which can only mean the Icy-Hot that Shaquille O'Niell gave him for his 36th birthday isn't working.

[] On "Kids Day" recently, the Dodger-Vision big screen showed a promo for the upcoming movie "Beerfest." (Los Angeles Times 8/13)

That's like promoing a Mel Gibson film on "Bonds For Israel Day."

[] New Orleans Saints reserve quarterback Adrian McPherson was struck from behind by a golf cart being driven by the Tennessee Titans racoon mascot, T-Rac. (USA Today 8/14)

Who was cuffed and taken off the field by McGriff the Crime Dog.

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Instant Gratification... August 13

[] Britain's MI-5 had the terrorist suspects under surveillance for months. (Cable News Network 8/13)

As opposed to U.S. terrorist policy which would have required immediate arrests, a "Good job, Brownie" from Bush, and a quick hunting trip for the suspects with Dick Cheney.

[] Israel and Lebanon agree to a cease fire to begin at 5 a.m. Monday. (New York Times 8/13)

Derailing Israeli plans to destroy Beirut, Damascus, Tyre and Mel Gibson.

[] Neither the military's traditional skills, nor its ability to battle Palestinian militias has proved sufficient against the highly-motivated, well-armed Hezbollah. (Los Angeles Times 8/13)

They haven't been watching the Iraq war in Tel Aviv?

[] Congress is considering a bill that would slash funding for research on Iraq war brain injuries. (USA Today 8/9)

Better to spend their time researching the brain injury that got us in there in the first place.

[] In the thirteen years since Congress passed the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" law, 11,000 members of the military have been discharged for being gay. (USA Today 8/11)

Looks like somebody told.

[] Bush's approval rating among southern women has dropped to an all-time low of 34%. (USA Today 8/13)

On a brighter note for Bush, Laura has promised to return to the fold.

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Science Giants...

[] A Harvard Medical School study shows that overweight infants have increased from 10.4% in 1980 to 17% today. (USA Today 8/8)

Which accounts for the sudden sales surge of Gerber's Low Fat Weight-Watchers Pabulum Bars.

[] The oldest known clay oven dating back to 4000 B.C. was found 45 miles south of Baghdad. (USA Today 8/11)

Marked "Muhammed's Pizzas - Ph. Euphrates V-XXLI."

[] Pigeons with backpacks and cell phones are being used to collect weather prediction information at California's U. C. Irvine. (Los Angeles Daily News 8/12)

Along with their usual duties locating statues for the U.S. Department of Monuments.

[] According to womangames.com, more and more men are opting to play womens' roles in video games. (Los Angeles Daily News 8/12)

Then inexplicably lose their ability to operate the controls.

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Pop Go The Weasels...

[] Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet kinkajou. (USA Today 8/12)

Had to have a tetanus shot. Not Paris, the kinkajou.

[] Martha Stewart's farm house in Westport, CT is up for sale at $9 million. (USA Today 8/12)

Slightly more if you want the moat.

[] Desperate to raise revenue, airlines now display advertising messages on tray tables, seatbacks, napkins, air sick bags and even the outside of the planes themselves. (USA Today 8/10)

For all of the products you weren't allowed to bring on board.

[] Bail for third round NFL draft pick Maurice Clarett, charged with possession of an assault rifle and two handguns, was set at $5 million. (USA Today 8/10)

And a parole officer to be named later.

[] According to his publicist, Robin Williams began drinking again after 20 years of sobriety. (USA Today 8/10)

Reportedly after he saw a screening of "R.V."

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Collateral Damage... August 9

[] Leiberman toppled----the first incumbant to lose his party's nomination since 1980. (USA Today 8/9)

On a more upbeat note, since he was killed by the Iraq war, he now qualifies for burial at Arlington.

[] The American Bar Association has condemned Bush's practice of writing "exceptions" to valid laws which he's done more than all previous presidents combined. (USA Today 8/9)

Which will alter the Furher's behavior about as much as their condemnation of Clarence Thomas's qualifications for the Supreme Court did.

[] Army nixes plan to build a theme park on the grounds of a Virginia military post. (USA Today 8/9)

Baghdad appears to be enough of a thrill ride at the moment.

[] Despite 110 degree heat in Iraq, the military will soon be required to wear four ceramic plates as body armor. (USA Today 8/8)

Designed after those required of Cheney's hunting buddies.

[] Over the past 20 years, the number of blood relatives in national politics has risen from 24 to 50. (USA Today 8/8)

Thanks mainly to incestuous inbreeding techniques learned from Britain's Royal Family.
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Goon Squads...

[] Wal-Mart has raised new hires' starting pay 6% in 1/3 of its 4000 stores. (USA Today 8/8)

A step in the right direction, although employees who even whisper the word "union" are assigned to stir the fat for the corn dogs.

[] Starbucks fired an employee who recruited co-workers to join the Independent Workers of the World. (USA Today 8/8)

His big mistake was inventing the "Jimmy Hoffa Frappacino."
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Pop Pulp...

[] Catherina Deneuve, 62, has signed to appear on "Nip/Tuck next season." (USA Today 8/8)

Tight-lipped producers will only say that the episode involves the world's first liver spot transplant.

[] The Rolling Stones will perform at the Home of the Kentucky Derby, Churchill Downs. (USA Today 8/8)

Track officials will waive the usual "no broken down thoroughbreds" rule for Keith Richards.

[] Paul Tagliabue has stepped down after 17 years as Commissioner of the National Football League. (USA Today 8/9)

In his honor, team owners will retire his chinos and Sperry Top-siders.
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Science Indigestion...

[] The seagull-sized sooty shearwater covers 40,000 miles in 200 days----the entire Pacific Ocean----in search of food. (USA Today 8/8)

About the same route taken by most luggage lost by the airlines.

[] The American Academy of Pediatrics reports that 24,000 children are injured by shopping carts each year. (USA Today 8/8)

Less alarming, the majority qualify for the "10 Bruises or Less" line.

[] A perfectly preserved gold and platinum dagger was found in a 5000 year old tomb in Bulgaria. (USA Today 8/8)

Scientists are at a loss to explain how O.J.'s DNA got on it.

[] Few patients are aware that many high-potency drugs are made in pharmacies. (USA Today 8/8)

Which accounts for Rush Limbaugh's controlling interest in Rite-Aid.

[] A new study shows that teens who watch professional wrestling on TV have a higher tendancy toward violence than others. (USA Today 8/7)

Except for those who habitually watch Jerry Springer.
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Rhymes with Stinks... August 7

[] The Egyptian military group Gamaa Islamiya has reportedly joined Al-Qaida. (Associated Press 8/6)

If Bush and his trigger-happy henchmen get wind this , we can kiss the pyramids goodbye.

[] Writes Bill O'Reilly in his Sunday column: "The big story is, and will remain, that Bush is an idiot." (Los Angeles Daily News 8/6)

Ah----at long last, Bill gets it.

[] The Army's 172nd Stryker Brigade was redeployed from northern Iraq to bolster security forces in Baghdad. (Associated Press 8/6)

"Stryker" is a military term meaning "Let's try rearranging the deck chairs again!"

[] France and the U.S. have reached an agreement on a U.N. resolution calling for a cease fire. (New York Times 8/6)

Now if they can just agree on one between Israel and the Hezbollah.

[] (Photo Caption) Congressional candidate Katherine Harris holds up a possum she purchased at the Wassau, Florida Possum Festival. (Associated Press 6/8)

The possum is the one only playing dead.
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Mom Heist...

[] Over 200 art objects were stolen from the St. Petersburg State Hermitage Museum. (New York Times 8/6)

Including the world famous "Gorbachev's Mother."

[] According to the American Communication Council, the number of public telephones nationwide has plummeted by half. (Los Angeles Daily News 8/6)

They've become so rare, Clark Kent was recently spotted changing clothes in an Andy Gump.
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Right Here in River City...

[] The Stanford marching band was suspended indefinitely for vandalizing a campus building they rehearsed in. (USA Today 8/7)

Police will only disclose that the rampage involved 76 trombones and several large containers of urine.

[] Forty "Our Gang" shorts filmed in 1938-44 are available free online at www.aol.com/in2tv (USA Today 8/7)

Might check 'em out. Bobby Blake could use the residuals.
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National But Neighborly... August 5

[] Bush cuts his traditional month-long vacation in Crawford to 10 days. (USA Today 8/30)

And he plans to spend three days of that helping Cindy Sheehan move her furniture in.

[] US military officers admit anonymously that civil war has come to Iraq but for political reasons are hesitant to use the words "civil war." (Associated Press 7/5)

Also, the terms "short-sighted," "arrogant," "blood-thristy" and "moronic" to describe the whole fiasco.

[] Members of the Kansas Board of Education who challenged the teaching of Evolution have been ousted after a recall election. (New York Times 8/3)

Several of them plan to relocate, but you can rule out Darwin, Australia.

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Market Mayhem

[] Ford recalls 1.2 million pickups, SUV's and minivans to correct a fire hazard. (USA Today 8/4)

But in all fairness to Ford, they've purchased a fleet of Toyotas to use as loaners.

[] A new study shows that cell phones contain more harmful bacteria than the average toilet seat. (MSNBC 8/4)

According to the experts, your best defense is the new "Mr. Whipple 5000" from Nokia.

[] China has become the world's second largest market for Mary Kay cosmetics. (Associated Press 8/3)

Following the company's highly successful "Saving Face" ad campaign.

[] Starbucks plans to open coffee houses in Brazil. (Associated Press 8/3)

Isn't that a little like opening a chain of body and fender shops in Baghdad?

[] Esther Snyder, co-founder of In-N-Out Burger, has died at age 86. (Los Angeles Daily News 7/5)

Viewing is scheduled at Forest Lawn Glendale's Drive-Thru on Tuesday, 9 to 5.

[] AOL will cut 5,000 employees from their global workforce. (USA Today 8/4)

To find out if you're on the list, write to Pinkslip@aol.com.

[] Greek mathematician Archimedes discovered the principle of bouyancy while taking a bath. (Associated Press 7/5)

Which led to his most successful invention, soap-on-a-rope.

[] Roman Emperor Charles V suffered from gout say pathologists at the University of Barcelona who examined his mummified pinkie finger. (Associated Press 8/3)

Unlike Nero who suffered from fiddle-induced carpel tunnel syndrome.

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Tops in Pops

[] Top Catholic prelates are calling Madonna's mock crucifixion "disrespectful"----her tour stops in Rome on Sunday. (USA Today 8/4)

Can't blame the cardinals. Madonna's crucifixion is okay, but she's no Mel Gibson.

[] Barry Bond's 715th home run ball sold on eBay for $220,100. (USA Today 8/4)

Even more impressive, an autographed steroid syringe went for $83.645.

[] A guard dog at a London childrens museum tore the head off a Teddy Bear once owned by Elvis Presley. (Associated Press 8/3)

Then systematically dismembered a Colonel Tom Parker action figure.

[] James Horner, Oscar winner for his score of "Titanic," is composing a new theme for "The CBS Evening News with Katie Couric." (USA Today 8/3)

Good thinking. If she tanks, she'll have the perfect music for it.

[] Dennis Miller has joined Fox News as a commentator. (Associated Press 8/5)

Joining O'Reilly, Hannity and Hume to complete Fox's new format----All Comedy All The Time.

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Castroenteritis... August 2

[] Fidel Castro cedes power to his brother, Raul, while he recouperates from intestinal surgery. (USA Today 8/2)

Much like Cheney turns things over to Bush whenever he goes under the knife.
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Bend Over...

[] Bush undergoes a 4-hour annual physical exam at the Naval Medical Center in Maryland. (USA Today 8/2)

Following which he issued an executive order declaring the digital prostate exam a form of stem cell research.

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Science Undigested...

[] The State of Maine has adopted a plan to tag authentic Maine lobsters to thwart imposters. (USA Today 8/1)

They got the idea from Massachusetts which has a program that tags authentic Kennedys.

[] According to the National Safety Council, the chances of being killed by a spider bite is higher than that of being killed on a thrill ride. (USA Today 8/1)

Or waking up naked in a sleazy motel lying next to Ann Coulter----although every bit as frightening.

[] Bush visited the National Hurricane Center in Florida where he was told by a government scientist that the link between "strong storms" and "global warming" is inconclusive. (USA Today 8/1)

They then had lunch together at a gathering of the Flat Earth Society.

[] A Pew Research study shows that 38% of drivers shouted, cursed or made obscene gestures while driving last year. (USA Today 8/2)

Mainly at their kids in the backseat or at unwelcome car pool members.

[] Using new genetic mapping techniques, marine biologists have identified 20,000 different species of bacteria in a single liter of seawater. (USA Today 8/2)

Which, percentagewise, even exceeds the Texas legislature.

[] Boston plans to build a low-cost, wireless internet network. (USA Today 8/1)

To provide a valuable service to its citizens----and to help police keep track of Patrick Kennedy.

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Would you like to link to this site? Write: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com
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Market Watch...

[] Avon has signed Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter to hawk a new mens cologne called "Driven." (USA Today 8/1)

It will be available in the fall in a boxed set with "Essense of Jock Strap" aftershave.

[] Toyota passes Ford as the nation's number two auto maker. (USA Today 8/2)

Looks like Tokyo had an even better idea.

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Court Shorts...

[] A High Court judge in London held that two Canadian lesbians are not entitled to have their "marriage" recognized in Britain. (USA Today 8/1)

Although he did concede that, over the centuries, the Royal Family has set a bad example in this regard.

[] GOP asks court to replace DeLay's name on the November ballot claiming he's no longer a Texan----his wife lives in Houston, but "he plans to live in Virginia indefinitely." (USA Today 8/1)

She can't stand him, either.

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Sound Off!...

[] A 41-year old Texas grandmother has joined the Army----will go through basic training with her daughter who's 21. (USA Today 8/2)

You think they fought in that apartment----just wait 'til they share a fox hole.

[] In keeping with the Army's new maximum age limit of 42, older recruits are allowed to pass with 24 pushups instead of the usual 35. (USA Today 8/2)

In lieu of the remaining 11 pushups, the seniors are allowed to relate a valuable life experience which may prove helpful in combat.

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Hostile Hostelry...

[] Hilton Hotels have set aside 15% of their rooms for smokers. (USA Today 8/2)

Which are, of course, also available to other healthy-habit-challenged guests----like Paris.

[] The British Home Office and MI-5 raise the terrorism alert to "severe"----one step below "critical." (USA Today 8/2)

"Critical" is declared only in rare situations of danger----like when Keith Richards checks into a 5-star hotel.

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Hammered... July 31

[] Mel Gibson in a 2004 interview with Dianne Sawyer: "To be anti-Semitic is a sin. It's been condemned by one Papal Council after another."(Los Angeles Daily News 7/31)

And you thought Mel nailed Jesus to the cross.

[] Studio chief scolds Lindsey Lohan for absences from the set of "Georgia Rule," costing Morgan Creek Productions "hundreds of thousands." (Los Angeles Times 7/29)

Lindsey was unavailable for comment, attending the Pampered Starlets of America's annual tribute to Marilyn Monroe.

[] Donald Trump was awarded his own star on Hollywood Boulevard. (CBS News 7/28)

It's easy to spot. They sweep the leaves from the side over the top of the curb.

[] Ken Jennings, winningest "Jeopardy" contestant of all time, blasts the show, dissing its blue sets, its stiff host and its obscure questions. (People Magazine 8/7)

I'll take "Abject Nobodies Given 15 Minutes of Fame," Alex.

[] Larry Hagman, Brooke Shields and Rosie O'Donnell have signed to appear as guests on next season's "Nip/Tuck." (Los Angeles Daily News 7/29)

Larry will undergo the world's first "headlift."

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Milky White Thighs...

[] The Romance Writers of America held their 26th annual convention in Atlanta. (Associated Press 7/29)

Highlight of which was a bodice-ripping workshop hosted by Jackie Collins.

[] National Barbie Doll Collectors Convention convenes in Los Angeles. (Los Angeles Times 7/29)

Most popular model being traded----the Pamela Anderson Barbie which comes with an optional "Kid Ken" doll.

[] Defiance, Ohio declares "Sam Hornish, Jr. Day" to honor their native son's Indy 500 win last May. (Los Angeles Times 7/29)

Even more impressive, they're naming their local Jiffy Lube after him.

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Liquid Assets...

[] Lloyd Landis' doping scandal my cost the cyclist millions in valuable endorsements. (Los Angeles Times 7/29)

On the plus side, new companies are lining up----Depends, Serenity, Huggies, Flomax...

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